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One good thing about having your own, exclusive room in a posh suburb is the personal space that we all love. The one bad thing or lets say the 'n' bad things? Well you don't want to go there. I however do. I have to. Because I am right there, in the situation or to use a cliché, neck deep in hot water – make that deeper, I am way under.

Picture this, a lovely view, good food, plenty of light minus the UV rays, a Bose music system, full 1080i HDTV to watch them movies….you would think I count myself among the lucky. Now, add to the list the voyeuristic pleasure of spying on some 'not on demand sex shows' live, cat fights and peace camps. Lucky chap eh? Having a whale of a time you say? I would not, nor would you, if your situation had turned rotten like mine.

Now don't get me wrong – I am not describing my incarceration in Prison for Crimes against old women or for conning trusting Home buyers. I got to live this lifestyle on my own merit. Much as I hate to write odes to myself, I have to say that in the land of Burger's and Pizzas I would be a generous dollop of Beluga Caviar, that would be the premium variety by the way. Or if you don't eat fish eggs, call me the Truffles' of fungi fame. That would be 700 Euros a kg if you please.

William, that's my name and if you suspected that I have blue blood – its only natural.

To describe my standards as regal would be unfair. I like my comforts but don't throw tantrums when it's rough. I know that I am a house guest here although on my arrival it was announced that I was very much a part of the family.

Do I get to watch the latest Hollywood flick or Comedy shows on HD screens – Yes I do - but what if I am minus my share of O2, when I do my version of Couch Potato eh? Gasping for breath when Jay Leno cracks a rare good one - just does not equal a belly shaking laugh. Open a window and get some fresh air you say? Sniff, now you are being insensitive.

The food was good, is still good – when I get it. Yes sir. Imagine ten large steaks being dumped on you as breakfast and then being ignored, without a meal in sight, for a couple of days. Draw the parallel on this. Call that healthy eating? Consider the acidity of my gastric juices on an average day – I'd be lucky to have any insides left.

Don't even enquire about the view and the music. I cannot breathe the view or eat the music.

Now the side shows. Here I have to tell you that I am appalled at the exhibitionistic infidelity displayed by the king of all species – yes humans. Take this guy; he regularly paws the maid when his wife is in the shower. Tell me, has he no shame? I mean, he seems to enjoy the possibility that I may be watching him do this – what a show off!

Now about his wife, she is a sweet girl but has the bored look of a shark lost in a flower show. Their sessions are like passé, you know, the old yawn, reruns of ancient TV shows etc. They seem to be fulfilling contract obligations the way they go through the motions. Here again, I cannot fathom their absolute lack of tact…Hello! I have two eyes and if I have to endure this – at least make it interesting.

Of course, to be fair (which I am) – they don't expect me to be spying on them and getting all these blue feelings. True enough - but let me ask you, why can't they both get a life at the very least – eh? Maybe radiate some positive vibes my way.

Fights and Patch-ups are part of life – but not when the remote thrown at the Husband's head lands bang in my eye. What was that I read about spectator rights (or was it riots?) LOL – this game is not safe for those in the front rows.
Why would anyone with my Pedigree want to endure this? Well asked (Applause – mine). Let me open my heart to you.

All I need in life are clean air, decent water (no to fungus, virus or bacteria if you don't mind) and good food 3 times a day. Take the rest of the freebies away. I am happy with the bare basics. Oops I forgot, I'd like it if the water's PH is between 6 and 7.

I mean come on – which heartless nincompoop, would buy a pet fish for 100 bucks, put it in a 500 buck aquarium in his bedroom and after four short weeks, lose interest in his new found hobby? Don't know the answer to that? Well I do – I am looking at him right now and he is ignoring me, busy scratching his - you know what - Yuk!

The water has gone bad, the air filter is all clogged, climate control is busted, I have developed fungal rashes, there is scum floating around and the last time I saw food was when his darling son threw his veggies into my tank. Pedigree or not, I still cannot fly out of here.

So here is my plea. When you folks are out there screaming "Save the whales', do spare a whisper for me too.

My name is Will, not Willy – Free me anyway.

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