Hello All

[Moon...@gmail.com]

Hello, My name is Will. I am 19 and a college sophomore.

I bolded the main issue if you don't prefer to read through it all.
Though it gets more deeper than that.

My problem that I had is that I have no idea how to make small talk.
Which prevents me to go up and talk to anyone. I have this problem with
anyone I try to talk to. When I say I am shy, I mean the worst case
scenario of shyness. I never talk to people, unless i need help. My
second year in college, I have no one I consider friends. My definition
of a friend is a person i talk to and hang out with on a regular basis.

Sometimes, maybe onece a week, I may stop into one of the people in my
dorm unit. This is how the meetings usually happen.

"Hey, whats up?" "Playing battlefield 2" "can i watch?" "sure go ahead"
--10 minutes pass-- "got to finish hw, see you around"

usually it's the person i visit who asks the questions...

Now that the background info is done, my main question is I have no
idea how to make small talk. I only talk with purpose. Like questions
about hw, etc. usually when i talk, it's a question..

This makes it harder to talk to girls, because of this purpose thing.
What purpose would i have in talking to a girl i dont even know? Would
she think I am only talking to her because she thinks I am interested
in her(in most cases that's the case. never having a girlfriend before
really depresses a person. Kinda makes me wish or wouldn't mind any
girl i talked to to be a GF)? I see how shallow it might seem and it
keeps me from approaching. How do i go about talking to some random
girl, like in the hallway in school? It seems out of place.

I do a lot of thinking about this... And I think I am the way i am is
because I fear being transparent. I dont like people knowing what I am
doing. So like sitting with a random girl at a lunch table or any
example i have given previously, would prove this type of thinking
within me.

Sorry for the long question... I just wanted to try to make a thorough
explanation of my issue.

An idea i had if anyone of you would be willing to help me out, is we
get a VOIP thing going, like with skype, or AIM talk, etc... So you
could hear how hard it is for me to talk with people. Messeges are
easy, i can think things through and send it out, but over voice, it's
a whole new ballgame.

[Benjamin Kann]

Yo dude, I am glad you spoke up on this subject as it is one that I may just
be able to help with as making small talk is one of my greatest skills. For
me, my anxiety happens more within myself as internal conflicts in dealing
with obligations such as school, work and all that. In any case, I can
write more about myself later as this is more about you than me. When I
make small talk I normally try to see something that is worth bringing up.
For instance, if someone is wearing a a shirt or hat with something that I
find interesting in any way on it, I will bring that up. I know how cliche
it is but the weather is always something that everyone can relate to. All
you need is that ice breaker and normally people will catch on. Sometimes
they dont and this is not to be taken in a negative way if that is possible
for you as it can be tough being rejected. More oftern than not it is more
their loss than yours anyway. This may be a personal question and you are
more than welcome not to answer but have you tried therapy? I have been
going for quite a while and I have also found great benefits in medication
through cooperation with my shrink, doctor and myself. It is always
something to consider and often schools can provide some forms of therapy
and also referrals. I am also a college sophomore yet I am 28. Feel free
to ask as many questions as you like as this is a great help with treating
my own anxiety. I will try my best to respond quickly but remember that I
am a student and full time worker so it may take a day or so. In any case,
I hope this helps. Peace, Benn

[Moon...@gmail.com]

I talked to the school councellor but she wasn't any help. I also
tried paxil, that didn't work after 6 months ona 12.5 miligram dose and
the doctor kept saying one more month until upgrade, but I don't have
the money or the time for that. I never tried an actual therapist
before. I have thought about it, and it does seem like a great idea.

My problem is also affecting my schoolwork. I feel like I just don't
care anymore. If I am always going to be alone, no girlfriend, no
marriage, then why even bother... But,

yea. Anyway, ill try those icebreakers. Usually i can figure out what
i should of said after a social opportunity passes :-\

[Dave Burns]

Biofeedback may be an option.

----- Original Message -----
From: <Moon...@gmail.com>
To: "Anxiety and Panic" <Anxiety-...@googlegroups.com>

> --
> No virus found in this incoming message.
> Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
> Version: 7.0.344 / Virus Database: 267.10.22/97 - Release Date: 9/12/2005
>
>

[Benjamin Kann]

Dude, I dont know you personal situation regarding finances and insurance
and all that but you really should talk to someone beyond your regular
doctor as the knowlege of a general practitioner, while effective and
important, never really delve into issues regarding mental state unless you
are in a really really poor state. Yes, you doctor did prescribe Paxil but
often therapy is a big part of making those drugs work. It is also possible
that Paxil is not the proper drug for you although it is very common for
S.A.D. It took me about a year of fine tuning my dosage along with some
anti-anxiety meds such as Adivan. Everyone is very different and therapists
and psychologists often owkr together in coming up with proper plans for
treating ones specific needs.

The reason I say all this is because you say that is starting to affect your
schoolwork and your attitue. Feeling like there is no reason to bother with
things like school are seeming hopeless is a more or less normal feeling for
people with anxiety issues but that does not mean for one second that you
should have to feel this way all the time. There really is a way to cope
with and manage anxiety and it is very possible that you can get to this
point. What it does require is you wanting to feel better and doing
everything possible to get help if you feel you need it and if you dont, to
take pro-active steps in fixing the situation. The problem is that it can
be hard to take these steps on your own without an outside person possibly
providing some insight into your situation. Someone with expertise in this
field. Many are willing to work with all types of people with all types of
income levels. It might require some research but I found great success
with local mental health referral services.

Like I said before, I only know you from your e-mails so all I can do is
provide my personal insight based on my personal experiences. What works
for me may very well not work for you. This is why is suggest a
professional as you seem to be quite distressed.

I appreciate discussing this though. Any questions at al you might have I am
happy to let you know what I think. Take care, Bennl

[Roger Cole]

good insight..... I will look into / seek pro help. A month ago I found myself suicidal. Things are getting better.... it's too easy to lose oneself.

Benjamin Kann <benn...@hotmail.com> wrote:

>To: "Anxiety and Panic"

[Moon...@gmail.com]

I'd never do the suicide thing... If I die, I wont be able to watch
24, smallvile, lost,stargate. :(