It's ironic because considering my last entry, I was kinda fed up with Reddit but because I find the site therapeutic, I just couldn't stay away. It's my "social media" if you will. The good thing about Reddit is...you can use it however you want - it really is a universal site with a place (subreddit) for everyone. And I mean everyone. While riding my happy high, I wrote a very raw and detailed post about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my teenaged cousin from the ages of 7-12 years old. I wanted to know if I was processing what happened in a healthy way (spoiler alert, I don't think I am...my coping mechanism is quite twisted, but that's ok. -elaboration incoming-) and I posted in several related subreddits, among them being C-PTSD, Molestation, and Rape.
I exposed myself in such a way it led to further realizations that I really appreciate and understand, thanks to the responses of others and their resources. It allowed me to accept these events and myself even more in addition to understanding the way the human brain works. Sexual abuse just outright fucks up your development, really throws a monkey wrench in the whole process. To me, it's like when your computer gets a virus; there's confusion, frustration, a sense of lost, sadness etc., It's just hard to get things back to the way they were before. You may think your body is betraying you...you may think the things that cause sexual arousal makes you a nasty, disgusting person, like your abuser. It may confuse you into thinking you may have liked the abuse. It's not cut and dry that way. It's incredibly complex but there is a line: as long as you don't perpetuate the cycle by violating someone else, it's ok. That's the grace I give myself. My brain may be a tad bit scrambled but I'm a good person that wouldn't dare hurt another in such a depraved way. Maybe the way I'm coping isn't the healthiest, but I rather it be this way than how it was before: I wasn't able to enjoy sex with a partner nor masturbation. I would actively avoid these things even though I wanted so badly to do them. It put a real damper on my first relationship. He was immature in many ways (we were both 16 year old kids) and he did not handle my telling him very well. (I told him and he was the one that gave me the strength to tell my mom and grandmother, I'll forever be grateful to him for that.) It was really sexist, insensitive and shallow. If I had higher self esteem back then, I would have acted on that red flag, rather than just acknowledging it silently and letting it go.
Looking back, I was just too honest with my first boyfriend. I told him too much, unloaded too much on him all the time. He was just a dumb kid like I was. He didn't know wtf to do or say to help me. He couldn't! I need real guidance...I was just really emotional and fragile back then. I could not have sex without those memories flooding back. Once I lost my virginity at 16 (which I questioned if I was really a virgin at the time to begin with), I began to have dreams of the abuse. I didn't know it then, but it was mild PTSD. I say mild because I wasn't having panic attacks, I wasn't having violent nightmares, I was able to go out and live my life for the most part. I told my boyfriend then about the recurring dreams and how the memories would come back while we had sex. He didn't handle it well. He was more concerned if I was a virgin really and he just said "ew, how can you have those thoughts when you're with me? I'm your boyfriend!"
He didn't understand trauma at all. And I clearly didn't either because I chose his feelings over mine. It made me feel like damaged goods. This is a question I asked him and he didn't flat out affirm that feeling but he didn't exactly deny it either. Anyways, beyond our inevitable and needed break up, there was something inside that snapped. I was tired of feeling shame for something I didn't choose to be a part of. I was a child. I was a victim. Why let my abuser get away with fuckin up my sex life? Why let him continue to win? NO. So what I began to do once those memories would invade my mind, whether it be during sex with someone or masturbation, I wouldn't let those memories fuck me over. I did not allow them to deter me from climaxing. I let the memories invade my mind and I didn't fight it. Show me the events again. Show me. I'm still going to climax. If I can't control those thoughts, I'm going to at least try to control my feelings. And that's what I did. I didn't let it continue to take over. Some will say this is a poor coping mechanism, some will say this is just my way of reclaiming my power/control which I can agree with. Some will say quitely brazenly, that this is sick as shit and I should seek help.
I've done the therapy dance/musical chair process enough. I've had 5 therapists over the last decade. My last session was months ago. I'm tired of giving my money to "professionals" who make my issues worse or just plainly don't fix them. I'm just done reaching out for help. I'm not helpless. I'm trying my best to heal in my own way. It may not be perfect but dammit, I'm making more progress with just several months under my belt than the years I gave those eggheads. I'm done being ashamed. My abuser isn't in jail. He's a piece of shit with a terrible life but he isn't in jail. He's living his life, probably fuckin underage girls, who knows? He doesn't give a damn about what he did to me. He tried to make it seem like we were playing a game. It wasn't a fuckin game. He called me a liar. He said it was innocent. We were playing "house".
No the fuck we weren't you fuckin cretin. You nasty slimy fucked up bastard.
I'm going to heal my own wounds my own fuckin way, without spending 100$ a month, without practicing useless meditations and empty positive affirmations in the mirror. I'm done lying to my fuckin self. I'm accepting every last part of me, the good, the bad and the ugly, because I now understand that's the key to getting over traumatic shit. Just stop resisting, face it boldly and honestly and find a way to fine tune it. You're never going to erase it from who you are. You just have to find ways to make it smaller, bit by bit. I'm currently 30 years old. My 20s were a very emotional time. I did not have fun. At all. I'm changing that for this decade. I refuse to die broken and unhappy.