Anyways, I found this absolutely bonkers post in the confession subreddit. A woman bluntly confessed that she was raped and she "liked" it. She said she orgasmed intensely and loved every bit of the encounter. She felt very guilty and much shame for liking this, especially since she was a feminist. She even fantasizes about that night when she is with other men. It blew me away!!! And...considering my last entry where I mentioned my own twisted coping mechanism, I really felt validated a little bit. Now, don't misunderstand: I did not enjoy my abuse at all. Whatsoever. That is not denial, I did not ENJOY IT. However, what I had in common with the woman was a similar twistedness regarding the trauma we experience. On top of that, the comments were very educational and relatable. Pretty much, your body communicates physicality while your brain communicates emotion and logic. So, the woman is obviously confused. I mean, ok, fine maybe she did really enjoy being raped, but I believe she thinks she enjoyed because her body was simply reacting to the stimulus. It was what I was saying in my previous entry. Your body is going to respond regardless - if you're being tickled, you will laugh. And hey, it's a good thing she wasn't dry when she was raped; real damage could have been done.
Some comments in the thread mentioned she orgasmed just so her body would be protected. As if the brain communicated to the body, "hey, trauma incoming, activate vagina now to minimize damage!" I kinda think that's a bit far-fetched. I don't think the brain works in that way? It had nothing to do with the brain imo. The body just responded. I mean, when we were just cavemen and women - do people really think there was romance back then? Like a caveman saw a cavewoman, just picked some flowers and took her to some prehistoric restaurant to eat bougie dinosaur burgers etc? No. I'm quite sure since we weren't civilized back then, cavewomen were raped and it wasn't a crime. It wasn't "bad". It was just how "mating" went. Sex wasn't romantic, it was purely for procreation. It was animalistic and savage.
So, while I thank the woman for her confession, I do believe she may be a tad bit confused. But that's ok. Sexual abuse really, really complicate things. It's ok to not fully grasp what happened. Y'know, after I wrote my previous entry, I didn't feel good about writing it deep down. As much as I stated I wouldn't feel ashamed, I kinda did. I did feel a tad bit dirty inside and wondered why I was so fucked up. BUT! I was too hard on myself. AS USUAL! It's ok! It really is, ok. And I did in fact, truly make strides in getting over this and accepting it. I no longer recoil from my memories, I just accept them. It's all ok - my brain is ok. Because it's a natural response. Ok...my brain is slowing down now. I lost my train of thought....I feel...more confident to have sex now. I feel even more comfortable if those memories were to come back while I have sex or masturbate. I actually want to have sex just to test out my brain...Like, I naturally want to have sex and then I want to test out my responses. I just...feel like I'm able to accept myself even more. I'm relieved to know I'm not fully crazy. That what I'm experiencing and what that woman is experiencing, is just a part of this process. It is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. What happened to us wasn't normal, so of course our thoughts and feelings thereafter would not be either.
I think the key of getting over trauma is accepting it. Don't beat yourself up, don't allow the guilt to consume you. Yes, it's easier said than done, but it's important.
I'm very happy today. But also very sad. My brother's dog passed away two days ago. 1/11/22, which is also my brother's birthday. He cried. He is such a resilient and stoic person. He hides his emotions away. He is sad right now, he's in pain. We no longer live in the same state and I truly wish I could be with him and just hug him. I know full well what it's like to lose a companion. I miss mine everyday.
I want to bottle this feeling and keep it forever. I just feel so at peace. I really need to make love to my husband. I hope he makes love to me tonight. I just love being intimate with him. I hate tongue kissing, I think it is gross but because he enjoys it so much, I let him slide his tongue in my mouth, and I return the favor. I would do anything for him. He's a genuine good man and sometimes I do feel like I don't deserve him. He's so nice to me. Very sweet, very caring. He really loves me too. That's what I love most. I just love everything about him. He's so smart. He's so sensitive. He's so funny. He has a really, really nice butt. It's like a nice jello butt. I hope he doesn't die before me. I'd be so lost. I have to brush my teeth.