Anggi Luna Linklink 27/03/2022
Anggi Luna Linklink
I just happen to find this online journal website and I'm shocked I didn't find it before. Or think to google it. It's not a "stoner" cliche: when you're "on a cloud", you do turn into a genius. A genius in that, you learn to actually process things thoroughly as opposed to thinking quickly for no reason, as I usually do. I think what make geniuses so intelligent and impressive is because they are able to actually utilize their brain. They just acknowledge a problem, observe some solutions and try them out to see what works. I've been by teachers, professors, other smug adults that we only use 10-20% of our brain, meaning we have so much potential locked inside just waiting to be released. I tend to think sooo quickly, I breeze right by the most obvious answer. I'm a genius right now even though my IQ didn't increase an iota. Thank god for D9, I've finally found something to give myself a break from my mind. My own little secret. It feels nice to have something to myself for the most part, though I would like someone to speak to while I'm "on a cloud". Makes things interesting. One day I shall experience psilocybin and hopefully have another breakthrough. Those are always fun and such a cheaper route than therapy.
I had a random thought today in the shower. It wasn't an epiphany since I already kind of knew this but, it turns out I'm not over all the shit I experienced when I was a CVT. I'm not even sure if the scummy, nasty people in that field gave me trauma, or if I traumatized myself since I am so intensely hard on myself. The worst thing in my mind at the time was to not be perfect, which is an impossibility. Of course, didn't stop me from trying. I think I knew deep down I chose the wrong career but I was too stubborn to not see it through. Though there were knowledge and skills I enjoyed learning and honing, I did not like the dynamics of this field. I did not like all the sacrifices I had to make only to endure constant emotional stress and wonder if I would have my 30 minute lunch break in my 14 hour shift. I thought those sacrifices would make me happy, instead it just made me bitter. At that time, I placed my value as a person in how hard I worked; You work hard, you feel good. You work hard, it means you're good at something. You work hard, it means you love something. You work hard, it gives you confidence. What a cute fool I was.
Ugh, just remembering this shit and how I felt I had to be during this time. What a waste of my youth and energy. But truly it's ok. I was so young during this time and so naive. All I wanted was to "save animals". I hate typing this corny shit out but this was an actual thought in my head. I got into that field for all the right reasons and I knew how difficult it was going to be, but I wanted that. I wanted to have something else to overcome, I guess. Wanted to prove I can execute such a hard job day in and day out and be happy to do it again and again. As usual, what I needed wasn't important; I couldn't even see what I *needed*. I thought that career would make me happy. I thought it was a NEED. It was just a passionate want in the end. An expensive 40k mistake. I wasn't happy during that time. Wasn't happy in any facet at all, so I put all my eggs in that basket only for that basket to go up in flames just one year after I graduated VT school. No question, til this day, I do admire the workers in that field, I fully understand that hard work and that passion...I just don't understand how they let it kill them. Even when my self esteem was at its very lowest, I wasn't going to let those fuckin selfish bastards kill me. All that shit I endured, them looking down on me. Me feeling small. Me trying my best and it just not being enough, for whatever reason, I still had a bit of sense to know I had to gtfo of that field or I would end up killing myself surely. And I did gtfo. I quit my last that shitty job in January 2019, spiraled a little bit in self pity and guilt of course. Even asked my mom to 302 me just so I can be free from caring about how badly I fucked up.
Then at my mother's suggestion, I went into medical coding. The rest is history. I'm proud of how ambitious and resilient I was during that time period. Nothing was going to get in my way of being independent. I was so proud. And looking back on my time as a CVT, I had big ass balls. I did a lot of shit I wouldn't dare think I could do. I did it. It wasn't always perfect or seamless but I did it. I hate how some of those memories, and those bad feelings, I hate how they just randomly come back and put a damper on my mood. I realize I give these memories way too much control. They just pile on...
The biggest regret I have as a CVT was not fully advocating for myself and telling those who doubted me or were rude to me, to shut the fuck up and kiss my fuckin ass. I never TRULY stood up for myself in that way and oh boy, oh boy, how I wish I fuckin did. I always wanted to be professional, damn near stoic, but always positive and mature if that makes sense. I wanted to show that I was the "good one". the "sweet one". The "mature one".
Fuck that. Life is too short to act like shit doesn't bother you and to be mature. I should have told those bitches to fuck right off and walk out of those shitty soul snatching hospitals. 6 months was way too long for me to be there. And I should have spat in the face of that selfish, careless fucker who owned that shitty clinic. He was a big jackass dickhead who cared about no one and nothing as long as they were able to work his shitty hours. Fuck him and I hope there's a hell for his cold ass.
Because of my time as CVT, going to school for about three years, and working for just one year until I just burnt the fuck out, my family relies on my opinion when it comes to their health of their animals. I told them repeatedly, "I'm not in practice anymore and I don't read up on this shit. I am not a CVT. Please stop asking me."
Of course they don't. They sing my praises and everything. It disgusts me honestly and makes me mad. When I realized they weren't going to stop, I took on this role of trying to pretty much know everything.. I took it on and stopped resisting. This was the wrong thing to do. There's that "people-pleasing" behavior in me that I just can't stand.
It makes me mad because I hate the feeling of that pressure and I hate that they don't listen after I've told them many times. Then I really take an inward look at myself and it's not entirely just those feelings of not being heard and being pressured that bothered me. I believe at my core, I got so angry because I felt like a failure. Like, "hey! stop asking me shit about whether your dog is sick or not...I'm not a CVT. I crashed and burned! I'm stupid!" (Very mean thing to say to myself and I hate that I said those things for so many years.)
It was like they were picking at an old wound and I just wasn't sure how it got there. Idk. I think my stint as a CVT was during a time I really did not know myself and I was desperate to find anything to make me happy. Not like I just randomly chose that career, I wanted to work with animals since I was a child. But all in all, maybe it is something I haven't really healed from. I believe I can eventually heal from it if I begin to assert myself in all facets of my life. Idk, I guess to redeem myself from those moments where I didn't really stick up for myself.
I used to have such self-piteous thoughts, even dreams about how weak I was and how people just steam rolled over on me. It was like I was punishing myself for not advocating for myself. Because it really bothered me. And you know what, the things I said to myself, the tricks my mind played on me during that time, it's worse than all the shit I endured by others in that scummy, nasty field. It really is true: you are your own worst critic. If anything, I should have been my biggest advocate instead of my biggest enemy. Ugh. I hate writing this and dredging these memories up but I'm trying to explore myself and get to know myself better so I can be better mentally.
I understand in order to get over this my way, I have to be honest with myself, I have to be kind and I have to accept myself fully. Take responsibility for the things I failed to do and promise to myself to be better. And not on some stupid, fake bullshit. ACTUALLY be better. Physically do things to increase my confidence, the love I have for myself, as I absolutely hated myself during this time, before and absolutely beyond to this current period.
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