Anggi Luna Linklink Updates 27/03/2022

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angie luna

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Mar 28, 2022, 1:45:49 AMMar 28
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I spend a lot of my time on Reddit and maybe it's time for a break...because I'm flat out disgusted with the blackladies subreddit. It's a toxic ass place, with some bitter women with a heap of personal issues - not wanting to seek change, they just want to continue being really vicious with a chip on their shoulder. Some of them are hostile as fuck against black men. A black man (God forbid they admit they are a man) can comment on a topic, nearly any damn topic, and next thing you know, they are attacked with blanket statements. For example, if a user posts a topic about taking care of their hair, or getting familiar with products for their hair texture, someone may comment, "what do you know about a black women's natural hair? You black men only care about our hair when it's bone straight with a perm and even then, you'll have something to say about it."

This is a very true statement of course...some black men are just judgmental, sexist, shallow bastards and they actually think all the things a black woman do should cater to their preferences and beliefs...it's fucked up and beyond infuriating, this entitlement that these men tend to have. HOWEVER, for these women to just attack this dude for commenting when they don't know jackshit about him but his gender, is wrong too. Whenever you are arguing with someone, we all know generalizations make your point moot, so it often goes without saying. Yet most of the women in this subreddit ignores this rule and just start going for the jugular should a user admit he is a black man or if his profile is telling of this fact. Obviously, these women do this because it is the internet. We all know anonymity makes people comfortable and honestly, it may feel so damn good to say this shit to this black man on Reddit when maybe they didn't say it when it really mattered i.e., in real life situations. This could be their own sick form of therapy... making up for lost time just lashing out and forgetting what they wrote the next day.

Although I'm angry at such mean ass behavior, I sympathize with these women because they are deeply hurt and they feel no one truly cares, whether it be in their personal life and/or their respective societies overall. The topics in that subreddit can be fuckin tough to read because well, being black is a tough experience. I could have easily been like those women in so many ways, but I just refuse to let my feelings of inferiority make me do something as silly as that on a daily basis. I was bitter in my own ways - still am. But all that bitterness and hatred is mostly directed towards myself only, I never lash out or try to ruin someone else's day. I'm trying to change and I desperately want to. Some of the women I see in that subreddit, I don't think they want to change because they do the same thing every day...Maybe it isn't that they don't want to, they don't know how to...I'm getting annoyed that I even care this much to spend my time writing on this now. I'm exhausted and shouldn't try so hard to understand or even care about what people do on the internet. It's their business. At the end of the day, they are strangers on the internet and although it's easy to judge, I really shouldn't as I don't know wtf they go through offline.

I joined that sub obviously because I'm a black lady and I wanted to have yet another sub to feel a sense of "belonging". Butttt, I've never felt that sense in every day life. Pretty sure it isn't a shock to know where this is going. I went to all black public schools up until high school. I had no self awareness back then; I was such an innocent child and naturally weird. Shy, timid, quiet, a bit dorky and introverted on top of all that. I was considered "gifted" or "smart" by my teachers and peers so I feel like that put a target on my back too. I was bullied throughout the years, sometimes really, really bad, like beat up bad.. I remember thinking when I moved up a grade, "who is going to be this time?" Like, I just came to expect this shit and worst of all, I never fought back. I never said anything. I was so passive and submissive. This fact hurts me more than the bullies, really. At the end of the day, I didn't even have MY OWN back. It's a very sad thing to look back on but I will revisit these traits and explore further how much they affected me.

Some teachers saw these events, especially in elementary & middle school and nothing was done. Of course, I didn't "tell" on the bullies in an effort to conserve whatever little dignity I had left. I was just embarrassed plain and simple. I didn't say anything to anyone, but my classmates knew and saw. I would laugh it off or pretend I was a part of the joke. They knew I wasn't. I'm sure they pitied me and I did too. I didn't tell my parents because again, black child being bullied, if anything, you'll face more shame at home. So I just constantly endured this throughout the years and little did I know, I internalized it so much and began to see myself as a victim for so long. (I used much harsher words, believe me.) I'm a full grown adult with very vivid memories of what happened in elementary and middle school. I don't even remember the "good" moments a whole lot. Even with the bullying going on, my grades, attendance and behavior still was damn near perfect. Looking back on it, maybe those dumbass teachers thought I wasn't suffering as bad since there were no other outward signs. All in all, they were careless assholes.

High school wasn't as bad and I actually stood up for myself in some moments. Other times, I did step down from fights and altercations. The times I stepped down were against "popular" girls who had boatloads of friends. These girls were, *surprise*, black. I knew I couldn't win against those girls, because they would either jump me after school or just make my life IN school a living hell. Looking back on it, I understood my fear but I deeply regret not standing up. Even if it resulted in me being driven to the hospital in an ambulance, I wish so hard I could go back and just stand up to those bitches. Show them they can't treat me however the fuck they want just because I was quiet and different. Had I stood up for myself in every circumstance I needed to, I would probably be a professional boxer or MMA fighter currently because that's how many times others picked on me. Sometimes I wonder how I would be now if I stood up for myself 100% of the time. That's a scary thought lol, because I would probably be dangerously confident and competent in every way I can imagine.

In high school, I was awkward, edgy and angsty as hell. No surprise. Life at home wasn't the best in this time and you could look at me and come to that conclusion as well. My high school was a predominantly white catholic school in the suburbs aannnndddd ohhh, my godddd, it was an ALL GIRLS SCHOOL. My worse fuckin nightmare come true as all of my past bullies have been girls.
You would think because I was awkward/eccentric/dorky etc., I would somehow find my tribe and thrive in this predominantly white school due to the stereotypes you see on TV...

NOPE.

I was weird and generally disliked there as well and my friends (handful of them) would be considered the outcasts, whether they were "the school slut", "the smelly girl" and other "weirdos". We just bonded together for the sake of survival. Long story short, I wasn't a good friend to these girls at all. I would look back at these memories and feel like a straight solid bitch. I would say to myself, "of course no one likes you, you are a bitch. cold, uncaring, spoiled and moody." Those insults didn't scratch the surface of what was really happening at the time: I didn't know how to be a proper friend to these girls. I felt at one point they cared about me, but I did not care about them.

It wasn't that I was a sociopath or anything. I didn't know how to be a friend because I obviously never had a black girl (let alone girls of other races) as a genuine friend. On top of having social anxiety, I always felt on edge as just a natural response because of the bullying. It's embarrassing to admit but I honestly think that was the reason and it would explain friendships prior to and beyond high school that just did not work out - I believe I was mostly to blame because I did not recognize I had a problem in varying degrees. Having friends wasn't even on my priority list. Instead, I was more interested in finding a boyfriend. It wasn't that I was wild or eager to be sexually active, I just romanticized having a relationship...having that one person that understood you and would be there for you unconditionally....that was what I was pursuing. I had the idea that I wasn't completely whole, I needed someone to give me validation and make me happy. This incredibly naive thinking got me in a lot of trouble as I found my first boyfriend (lasted 8 years - WAY TOO LONG) in high school - next door actually, as there was the neighboring all boys school just a few feet away.

To get back to my traits - passive and submissive. I was sexually abused by a teenaged family member from the ages of 7-12 years old. I feel like that experience may have cemented those traits in me. It's easy to abuse a child, you threaten them or hit them to do what you want and that's what I experienced. There were times I would resist, get fed up and ask questions "why are you doing this to me?" "why do you wanna see this?" "NO." and it wouldn't matter. It was like I was taught that what I wanted did not matter and maybe that is when the self-hatred and low self esteem began honestly. Like, hey, "of course you don't matter" or "of course this happened to you" because that experience instilled in me feelings of worthlessness and submissiveness. Maybe. I'm still fine-tuning that idea. But I do believe it is related.
As a child, you are already powerless so it's kinda hard to outgrow that mindset when you get older and especially when you are so set in your ways of not resisting anyways. When I look back on those memories, I'm incensed, not at my abuser but at myself mostly. I blamed myself for so long. "Why didn't I just tell someone" "I'm so stupid, I'm so weak." This is unrealistic and callous thinking.

I was a FUCKIN CHILD. Shy as shit and timid as a churchmouse at that. Abusers usually are able to keep abusing because they choose the right victim. My cousin knew me very well to know I wouldn't say anything as long as he threatened or hit me etc. He knew my characteristics. He is the ABUSER. That's what they literally do!!! Extroverted, loud ass kids normally don't get abused because they SPEAK. They want to be HEARD! So, no. I no longer blame myself for that shit. I can't change the blueprint of who I am and was as a child. I'm not blaming myself for shit anymore. He should have left me the fuck alone period. We're family. You stupid nasty dickhead. Why would you do something like that to your fucking FAMILY?!
Funny how I just used that word, because after that experience and many others, "family" is literally just a word to me. It holds no meaning. But for sake of healing, my point still stands: You don't do that shit period and you especially don't do that creepy, perverse, depraved humiliating shit to family.

Coming back to present time and my feelings on the blackladies subreddit...I recognize I still have those feelings of not knowing how to be a great friend and still having this heightened response to some black women, usually the ones that are extroverted and confident because surprise, those were the traits of my bullies. All very loud, seemingly confident girls. Some bigger than me too. These feelings are complicated; envy, admiration, hatred, rage, and fear. My feelings and perception is ironic considering if one was really confident, they wouldn't have to bully others to feel better about themselves - I whole heartedly understand this now - Even though these feelings remain, I think to get over this insecurity, I have to remind myself of that fact and venture out to functions for black women to create positive memories and experiences. Maybe that's the true reason I joined that subreddit...a small attempt to get over this insecurity because in a world with covid, it's hard to meet new people. Overall, I need to remind myself that this feeling is an insecurity. It's rooted in fear, a conditioned response. Feelings are not facts.

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