How to write short stories. A self-help tutor for males.
Anopheles
How to Write a Modern Short Story
(A Self-Help Book for Males)
by Barry Aitchison
So, you're male and want to write short stories? Well, go ahead but it's
not as easy as you might think. I ought to know, I've spent years trying to
get published.
Few novice writers appreciate the craft has evolved. Short stories are no
longer stories. In fact, if you can detect the least thread of coherence,
you've probably lost the plot altogether. One wouldn't call a modern short
story a story, just as one would never call modern classical music, "music".
Like music, modern writing is more a rambling, an unconscious out-pouring of
fortuitous thought. It's far beyond modernism, it's post modernism, in fact,
post, post, post, post modernism, which I like to call "fence modernism".
Of course, if you're male, you will need a female nom-de-plume. In case you
haven't twigged yet, and you must really be a new chum, the whole bloody
industry's female: the editors, judges, publishers, writer's groups, and
most writers, they're all women. Even the few men in it!
Look at a story that won a prize in my local newspaper recently. Written by
a woman, she's writing as a man. Now, any man can see right through that,
it's obvious the writer's not male, she hasn't the foggiest, but you have to
pretend not to notice. You say, "Oh, that's nice," when the piece goes on
and on, discussing things about men only women could possibly find
interesting.
Another thing, never let anything actually happen in your story, certainly
no violence, nothing resembling action, and positively nothing too funny,
ha-ha or peculiar. It has to flow as if emanating from a semi-consciousness,
like coming out of an anesthetic.
It's difficult for men to achieve this and they mostly make a meal of it. I
find the best way is to stop thinking and just write. A few brandies help.
So does staying awake over thirty six hours. Men have to learn to do what
women have been doing to them all these years. Faking it!
Don't try to analyse modern short stories, you'll go nuts. It's like
looking for the proverbial in a haystack when none exists. Instead, try
divining what medication the writer was on at the time, how many Nembutal,
for example, how many Valium. If you can actually force yourself to read the
piece right through, try to detect where the end point was and, if it was
detectable, was it interchangeable with the beginning. I know it's hell but
you do need to get on the right track.
Now, begin writing. You'll need a Key Character (KC) who is either female
or a Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG). If you first write the SNAG around one of
your old loser girl friends, then change the name from Libby to Frank at the
last minute, you'll come close to market expectations. This KC must have
absolutely no idea of what is going on in their life. Surround the KC with
weirdoes struggling to make sense of it all without a snowflake's chance of
doing so. Waffle a lot. Write things down that pop randomly into your mind.
Do you remember the guys that pulled the Ern O'Malley prank? They invented
a poet and drew phrases from a hat to write his poems and some of
Australia's finest were fooled. Are we on the same wavelength?
It's no use decrying the erosion of good storytelling for we are all
responsible. These days, men don't read, they watch. That's a little like
everyone becoming voyeurs; everyone watching and not a lot happening.
Still, there are things one can do, if you're male and desperate to see
your work in print. Of course, the first is very expensive and will
absolutely horrify your friends and rellies. Finding a compliant doctor is
difficult too.
Self-publishing is another option. These days, even a man can make a go of
desktop publishing, almost without any female help at all. (Providing your
masterpiece doesn't need artwork). If you can borrow a few thou from someone
that actually has a job, you can run up a first printing of, say, one
thousand copies. (TIP - Label the first lot "Third Printing.")
Of course, if you can't persuade a friend to lend you the money, or, if
they have but actually insist on getting it back, you'll have to sell some
of these books. This can be a rather depressing prospect at first. Don't
worry, here are some tacks you can take.
* Hang around trash and treasure markets for the next ten years, your books
displayed on a rickety card table. Eventually the promoters will get tired
of you and buy all your stock.
* Walk into every bookshop you can find, your book prominently in hand. Hold
the book lovingly while asking after some esoteric romance by a woman dead
for at least a century. When they ask you about the book you're carrying,
say you know the author, a frail but loving woman dying of consumption.
* Hire an Edwardian suit from an outfitter and hawk your books around the
traps. Only approach women and never tell them what the book is actually
about. (Remember, if it's about anything at all they'll drop you like a
sporting shooter.)
* Get on one of the afternoon TV shows and talk about writing. Describe how
much you love exploring diametrically opposed characters and the many shades
of love and pain. Rave on about dark personalities. Run your fingers through
your hair a lot and stare passionately at the ceiling.
Success is hard to come by but some guys do make it. How eludes me but I'm
still trying. The frightening part is it's beginning to fascinate me. I read
a whole anthology of short stories last night and suddenly suspected I might
have enjoyed them.
Why, I have no idea. It's like sinking deeper and deeper into a swamp. You
know you're completely out of your depth and you are about to drown, but
you're trapped. Then, just as your nose is about to submerge, and you've
quietly accepted death, your left foot feels a rock. Suddenly, you're
overcome with joy!
Copyright Barry Aitchison
Anopheles
Prince Richard Kaminski
Anopheles wrote:
> How to Write a Modern Short Story
> (A Self-Help Book for Males)
> by Barry Aitchison
>
> So, you're male and want to write short stories? Well, go ahead but it's
> not as easy as you might think. I ought to know, I've spent years trying to
> get published.
And we can see why .... But don't worry. Patricia says that unpublished authors
are far more talented than published ones. You wouldn't want to lose your talent
by getting published, would you. After all, look what happened to Patti.
Edwin J Noonan
Anopheles wrote...
>
> How to Write a Modern Short Story
> (A Self-Help Book for Males)
> by Barry Aitchison
>
> So, you're male and want to write short stories? Well, go ahead but it's
> not as easy as you might think. I ought to know, I've spent years trying
to
> get published.
Oh, moan and groan. If you had ever made a serious effort to get published,
you woulda been. Survey the saga, it'll change your life.
EJN
Anopheles
Edwin J Noonan wrote:
>
> Anopheles wrote...
> >
> > How to Write a Modern Short Story
> > (A Self-Help Book for Males)
> > by Barry Aitchison
> >
> > So, you're male and want to write short stories? Well, go ahead but
it's
> > not as easy as you might think. I ought to know, I've spent years trying
> to
> > get published.
>
published,
> you woulda been. Survey the saga, it'll change your life.
Well done, Ed. So your diatribe against fat people is called satire while
other people's atempts are called autobiographies?
Anopheles
EricR
--
Yankthechain.com - articles, reviews, interviews, comics, assorted misanthropy and the Mark Hamill Watch .
www.yankthechain.com
EricR
I would also like to point out that if you're looking for stories by men,
why don't you look in the sci-fi market. That's almost all men.
ER