Death of the Weasel (long)
chi...@fnalo.fnal.gov
episode:
Death of the Weasel
Wesley "Weas" Crusher is sitting with Geordie in ten
forward. They are having a spirited discussion about
Counsellor Troi, who is sitting several tables away.
[Weasel] Look, I'm telling you, they're _not_ real!
Silicone-city!
[Geordie] C'mon now Wes, you don't know that.
[Weasel] I'll prove it!
The Weasel dashes from the room, only to reemerge minutes
later, carrying a strange-looking electronic apparatus.
[Geordie] What's that, Wes?
[Weasel] Oh, it's just an old tricorder. I've connected the
output to a tachyon recreation field generator, and
grafted on a Laval Mk3 plasma wave inducer, along
with my mini-warp coil science experiment. It was
nothing really. See, all I did was-
[Geordie] Skip the science lecture, Captain Puberty. What's
the point?
[Weasel] Well, I just point it at Troi, and switch it on.
Any silicone molecules will resonante at a certain
frequency I just calculated, and be easily
detectable by the tricorder. Here, watch!
The Weasel points the device at Troi and depresses the
trigger. Suddenly, there is a hiss, and Troi's chest
deflates.
[Troi] Eeeeeeeeeeeek! My chest!
[Weasel] Oh darn! [The Weasel is too much of a goody-goody
to curse.] There must have been a misalignment in
the power grid. It completely disintegrated all the
silicone. Oh well. See Geordie, I was right! Nyah,
nyah, nyah.
At this moment, Riker, already PO'd because he's having a
bad hair day, walks in. He sees the Weasel pointing
something at a remarkably flat-chested Troi. Small wisps of
steam escape from her now-baggy uniform.
[Riker] That's it, Weasel! I've had it with your shit!
Your ass is mine!
[Weasel] Help! Mommy!
Riker pulls his phaser, sets it on "Crispy Critters," and
shoots at the Weasel. Unfortunately, the Weasel leaps out of
his chair in time, and the beam mostly misses him (merely
burning off his left ear, which is, though, quite painful),
but completely fries Mr. Barkley, who was sitting at the
table behind him. This has the very fortunate result of
eliminating another character nobody likes. The Weasel
sprints for the door, and Riker takes off in hot pursuit.
The Weasel races down the corridor, as Riker takes another
shot. This one connects with the Weasel's right hand,
utterly (and again, painfully) obliterating it. The Weasel
screams and snivels, as he runs around a bend in the corridor
and into the first door on his right. Riker doesn't see
this, so it looks like the Weasel might be saved....
Unfortunately for him, it's Warf's cabin he's stumbled
into, and Warf is performing the ancient Klingon ceremony of
Pggh Rxlrrthbhn, which no outsider is allowed to see.
[Warf] By all the gods of K'Pneer, you've gone too far! I
shall rip your arm off and shove it down your throat!
Then I'll rip your heart out, and eat it in front of you!
If your lucky, I might not poke your eyes out!
[Weasel] Aieeeeeeeee! No! Mommy! Help! Wait, I'm sorry,
I wish I hadn't d--Auuuuuuuuuuuuughgghghghhh!
Warf gets as far as ripping off the Weasel's left arm, but
before he can carry out the rest of his threat, he is
overcome by nausea at the whining, weasely display that
Wesley puts up. Whilst Warf is throwing up, the Weasel
somehow manages to stumble out of the cabin.
[Weasel, crying and sniveling] Oh! Oh! Ow! Help, I have no
hands! How will I ever be able to mastur-...well,
never mind. Ow! Ow! Mommy.
He drags himself down the corridor, heading to the
transporter room. On the way he meets a female cadet from an
earlier "The Weasel Falls in Love" episode.
[Weasel, gurgling and whining] Helllllp meeeee.
[Cadet] Eeeewwwwwww, like, get away from me, you little
creep. [She kicks him in the groin and runs away.]
[Weasel] Auuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The Weasel manages to drag himself to the transporter room.
He begins trying to punch in coordinates with the bloody
stump of his right arm. He can hear Riker, Warf, Troi, and
some of Barkley's friends stomping down the hallway cursing
him. He manages to drag himself to the transporter pad. It
energizes just as his pursuers burst into the room.
[Weasel, weakly] Ha, ha, I've escaped. You'll never get me
now.
Can it be? Can he really have escaped? Of course not! He
mis-set the coordinates, and beamed himself right into the
hull of the ship. This left his upper body sticking into the
friendly environment of the Enterprise, and his lower body
sticking out into the not-so-friendly environment of outer
space. His middle section, of course, was simply integrated
into the ship's structure. As you might imagine, this was
EXTREMELY painful. In fact, it was SO painful, and it took
him SO LONG to die, that, in order to protect the more
sensitive readers out there (and due to the fact that I'm
tired of typing), I can't describe it in any detail. But you
get the picture.
THE END
Next week......An alternate death: "The Weasel meets the
Borg"!!!!
Jeff Chilton