Wesley is a Stud!
Andrew Clark
Why does this newsgroup exist? Wesley is a stud!
Blind drunk, he saves the _Enterprise_ from certain destruction. Not that
he could do it sober, but still... we should be properly appreciative.
I suggest that Cadet Wesley be prematurely graduated and promoted to the
rank of Lieutenant. I suggest that he be promoted to command a vessel.
The _USS Wesley_, of course. Crew of one, long-range exploration vessel.
Proud of his new status, he unwisely attempts to seduce one of his
former classmates. She consents, only to video-tape his clumsy attempts
at lovemaking and broadcast them throughout the StarFleet. She considers
the ten minutes of discomfort well-worth the results; Wesley's libido is
forever shattered. Even his right hand holds no comfort for him now. He
comforts himself with fond rememberances of the only woman who could ever
love him -- his mother, Beverly Crusher.
Mission one : make peace with the Romulan Star Empire.
After four months of painstaking medical reconstruction of his
tortured cadaver, delivered in pieces to a Federation Embassy near the
Neutral Zone, Wesley discovers that he has been demoted to Ensign and
will never serve aboard a starship. The _USS Wesley II_ is bulit, just
for him, and he is sent on mission two.
Mission two : clear an abandoned minefield in deep space.
Wesley converts the tractor beam aboard his miniscule ship to a
repulsor beam, but makes a minor error. The intensity is 100 times
greater than he expected. One cleared minefield and a nanosecond later,
his ship is without power or communications. The _Wesley II_ has no
entertainment equipment, and the computer is shut down. Wesley is bored
with absolutely nothing to do except eat from the food synthesizer, which
just happens to be programmed solely for Klingon gagh. It is two years
before someone thinks to check on him, and in the process Wesley has gained
forty pounds of body weight. His failure is duly noted, his personal salary
is docked for the rest of his life to pay off the damages to the _USS
Wesley II_, and Wesley is reassigned to Deep Space 9.
Mission three : serve as a crewmember on Deep Space 9.
Wesley is caught in the holobrothel having sexual congress with
a holoimage of his mother, Beverly Crusher. Enraged, his commanding
officer (who had obtained the holoprogram in the first place) sends
a full 3D documentary to every communications port on the USS Enterprise.
Doctor Beverly Crusher disowns her son, and Wesley's secret dreams of
Oedipal bliss are shattered. Wesley is reassigned to a psychiatric
hospital on Betazed.
Mission four : recover from an Oedipal complex.
Wesley's male Betazed counselor makes the mistake of letting his
thought shields slip for a moment. He goes insane seconds after looking
into Wesley's mind -- an apparent coincidence. Wesley is charged with
murder but acquitted by order of Starfleet Command. Petty Officer
Wesley is assigned to ritually renegotiate a peace treaty with an
obscure race known as the Peradora.
Mission five : confirm the peace treaty with the Peradora.
Wesley wins several major concessions for the Federation. He has
great hopes of winning back officer rank due to his outstanding and
effective performance. Then, Wesley finds out that the normal way to
seal a peace treaty between two tribes on Perador is for both
representatives to ritually disembowel each other in time with 20th
century elevator music. Wesley deserts the planet, and all his hard
work is made useless. Wesley (no longer having the last name of
Crusher) is known throughout Starfleet as Wesley Coward. Wesley
believes that he has been brought to the ultimate low point possible.
Mission six : there is no mission six.
Wesley decides that there is no more to life than this, and
attempts to commit suicide. Q intervenes at the last possible second
and offers Wesley a gift that will change his mind about the meaning of
life and death. Wesley foolishly accepts, and is made immortal.
He is doomed to wonder the universe forever as Wesley Coward, unable to
even find a last resting place. His one moment of joy, his assassination
attempt on Admiral Picard, is shattered when Lieutenant Commander Worf
stops him with a phaser set on 'lubricate.' Wesley is still able to
suffer pain, and he is incensed at being used as an ever-living
cadaver for children to dissect in biology class. His alternative is
even worse -- becoming Worf's sparring-partner.
Wesley will never die -- to paraphrase Orwell in _1984_.
"Imagine a boot stamping on Wesley's face, forever. That is the future."
--
cla...@netcom.com Andrew Clark My ignorance is my own fault. :}
"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" | poli sci undergrad at UC San Diego, USA
"Why? This is the Internet." | Yo! Exercise your rights or lose them.
----=> God's got a sick sense of humor, but she's only human <=----