Need Advice!
shoo...@airmail.net
In article <620oo6$82n$1...@news.tamu.edu>, tus...@hotmail.com wrote:
The trouble comes into
> play where the corsages and bout.'s are concerned. My father says
> that I should order one for "step" grandparents as well.
Etiquette sides with your father for a myriad of reasons not the least of
which is the fact that you will insult your "real" grandparents if you
slight their spouses by forgoing the flowers. You don't have to have warm
fuzzy feelings for these people to be considerate of them and their
position in the family (whether born or married in).
Hope this helps,
Gail
--
*******************************************************
* My basic principle is that you don't make decisions *
* because they are easy or cheap or popular; you make *
* them because they're right. *
* -Theodore Hesburgh, Notre Dame *
*******************************************************
Summer
Okay, here's what's going on. My paternal grandmother has been
remarried since I was born. I do not, and never have considered this
man to be family, much less my grandfather. The trouble comes into
play where the corsages and bout.'s are concerned. My father says
with it, is that he has never been a loving family member to me at
all. He's just not my pawpaw, so to speak. I don't think he should
wear a bout. if he isn't my real grandfather. What do you think?????
I'm also having this problem with my maternal "step grandmother." She
has never been a grandma to me at all. Does she get to wear a corsage
just because her husband is my grandfather????? I don't like the idea
of it one bit. Help!!!!!!!
Summer
Smonty
I would like to ask how young you are.
Follow your father's advice. It's only a few flowers.
Are you excluding the step-grandparents from your wedding pictures?
Life is too short and your wedding day will fly by very quickly.
I wish you and your fiance all the very best.
Sands
Summer <tus...@hotmail.com> wrote in article
<620oo6$82n$1...@news.tamu.edu>...
SupareX
In article <19971015165...@ladder02.news.aol.com>,
sup...@aol.com (SupareX) writes:
>And this goes for most brides: There's a difference between "It's my
>dad--I should be able to do what I want!" and "I don't care who's feelings
>I hurt!" For one moment put yourself in the other's place and see if it
>would matter to you, whether it be an invitation, a corsage/bout, etc
Sorry...should've proofed this...Should be "It's my DAY--I should be able
to do what I want . . ."
klo,
Sayre, PA
SupareX
Geez. I wish i had your problem! Neither Andy nor I have _any_ living
grandparents, and his father died exactly one month before our wedding
(which will be Oct. 25.) Suck it up. Order them corsages and pin them on
with a smile. It could open the door to some wonderful new relationships.
Maybe they've never felt like a part of your family because they sense your
stand-offishness.
And this goes for most brides: There's a difference between "It's my
dad--I should be able to do what I want!" and "I don't care who's feelings
I hurt!" For one moment put yourself in the other's place and see if it
would matter to you, whether it be an invitation, a corsage/bout, etc.
klo,
Sayre, PA
Lisa Masterman
In article <620oo6$82n$1...@news.tamu.edu>, Summer <tus...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>Okay, here's what's going on. My paternal grandmother has been
>remarried since I was born. I do not, and never have considered this
>man to be family, much less my grandfather. The trouble comes into
>play where the corsages and bout.'s are concerned. My father says
>that I should order one for "step" grandparents as well. My problem
>with it, is that he has never been a loving family member to me at
>all. He's just not my pawpaw, so to speak. I don't think he should
>wear a bout. if he isn't my real grandfather. What do you think?????
I'd put a flower on him. My grandmother remarried when I was an infant,
and no one in the family was comfortable with me growing up calling
him "Grampa," so we called him "Ben." I knew him all those years,
but for some reason there was always this separation between the role
he played and a "real" grandfather. When he passed away, I suddenly
realized that I should never have allowed that separation to persist!
I'm going to commemorate him in my wedding program as my *grandfather*,
though I wish I could have called him that when I was growing up.
>I'm also having this problem with my maternal "step grandmother." She
>has never been a grandma to me at all. Does she get to wear a corsage
>just because her husband is my grandfather????? I don't like the idea
>of it one bit. Help!!!!!!!
This makes things more complicated. If you extend beyond blood ties
on one side, it makes sense to do the other, but I understand how you
feel. Maybe someone else with experience regarding remarried family
members in the wedding party can help out.
--lisa
--
// Lisa Masterman http://www.eecis.udel.edu/~masterma //
// mast...@cis.udel.edu Associate, SFLAaE/BS //
// "You want this done faster, you do it yourself. You know how bad //
// machines are with natural language." - from _Sleepy_, by Kate Orman //
Susan Rankin
In article <620oo6$82n$1...@news.tamu.edu>, tus...@hotmail.com says...
>
>Okay, here's what's going on. My paternal grandmother has been
>remarried since I was born. I do not, and never have considered this
>man to be family, much less my grandfather. The trouble comes into
>play where the corsages and bout.'s are concerned. My father says
>that I should order one for "step" grandparents as well. My problem
>with it, is that he has never been a loving family member to me at
>all. He's just not my pawpaw, so to speak. I don't think he should
>wear a bout. if he isn't my real grandfather. What do you think?????
>
>has never been a grandma to me at all. Does she get to wear a corsage
>just because her husband is my grandfather????? I don't like the idea
>of it one bit. Help!!!!!!!
>
>
Congrats Summer! Ok, this really isn't as hard as it looks. Give them a
bout' or corsage (as the case may be). Why? It's a nice gesture that might open
new doors for everyone. Being a stepparent, -grandparent is a tough job that not
everyone can do, but obviously the paternals think they're special and love them
regardless fo whether they fit in or not. It's out of respect for that position as well as
respect for your paternals that you should do this. IMagine how hurt your paternals
might feel if you didn't see fit to include their loved one in such a way that seems
insignificant to you, but can mean the world to them. As my grandmother used to
say, It's the little things that matter the most.
Sue
PS. My sister did not provide a bout' for my fiance at her second wedding.
She doesn't like him. Don't think for a second that I didn't notice.
Flowerrr
Do you love your grandparents? Do you want them to come to your wedding and
not feel bad because you are turning your noses up to their loved ones?
Get them the Bout's or corsages or whatever it can't cost that much more.
geez
Sandi Rollins
In article <62363r$gg3$1...@dewey.udel.edu>,
>>has never been a grandma to me at all. Does she get to wear a corsage
>>just because her husband is my grandfather????? I don't like the idea
>>of it one bit. Help!!!!!!!
>
>on one side, it makes sense to do the other, but I understand how you
>feel. Maybe someone else with experience regarding remarried family
>members in the wedding party can help out.
OK, here is my .10 worth:
Be generous. Weddings are the time to bring people together in joy
and forgiveness, *not* the time to be drawing lines in the sand and
defining your resentments and blood relations. Many families are
defined by affection, not blood. By insisting on tying blood relationships
to whether someone receives a flower, fer Godsakes', is immaturity beyond
belief, IMO. It accomplishes nothing, and destroys warmth and fond
feelings that your step-grandmother may have. It's cruel.
My parents have been split for 25 years, both are remarried, and there
has been nuclear-explosion-level hatred between them for years. When
Dave and I started this, I gave a "reality check" phone call to *both*
my parents, and told them that wedding planning was going to be stressful
enough without me being the flag-bearer for their angst and anger.
*So*, if one step-parent was to be treated in a particular way, *both*
would be. Examples:
If my mom expected my stepdad to be invited to the rehearsal dinner,
both my dad and my stepmom would also be included.
If my stepdad's name was on the invitation, so was my stepmom's.
If my mom wanted a boutineer for my stepdad, then my stepmom got a
corsage.
If my stepdad is seated in the front row as "family", my stepmom will
get the same honor. Get it?
It's worked *terrifically* well. (OK, we still have 2.5 weeks to go, but
my mom has learned volumes about letting go her anger, and my dad (who
is feeling included and not left out) isn't defensive and nasty,
making snide comments left and right).
The important guideline: *nothing* would be done in a spirit of
exclusion, *everything* would be done in a spirit of inclusion. I've
had to *ask* what they wanted at times, but the results are amazing.
And because they've both exceeded my expectations, I'm feeling really
happy, instead of stressed (which had been my biggest fear about the
pre-wedding atmosphere).
Frankly, it's not worth the hurt and hostility and anguish you'll inspire
if you insist on giving one half of a married couple a corsage or
a boutineer. If you DO decide to be petty about it, your family will
remember it for *years*. And if you decide to be generous about it,
people will remember that for years. Err on the side of generosity --
you won't regret it.
Sandi (and Dave)
11/3/97 (a Monday, 18 days to go!)