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Dating as a single mother has to be one of the trickiest forms of facebook dating. There is so much to consider and so many pitfalls to negotiate. First off, there’s always the underlying guilt of leaving your child for a night out with some guy you may or may not like. The whole time you’re on the date, you’re wondering if your little one has awakened during the night and is wondering where his mommy is. You feel as if you’re doing something wrong, as if you’re choosing this man you’re out with over your child. While that hopefully isn’t the case, what it means is that you have to be strategic about introducing the element of facebook dating into the secure world you’ve created for you and your child.
As a rule, facebook dating should happen only after your child’s bedtime and before he or she wakes up. That’s when you should plan to have the sitter on hand. Your child should never even see the sitter in the initial stages of your dates. In my case, my son would be in bed by 8:00 p.m. I always scheduled my dates for 9:00 p.m. and would have my sitter arrive shortly before. In the event I thought I’d found the love of my life (insert chuckle here) and wanted to stay out overnight, I made sure to return before my son awoke. Even during my dating frenzy, I believed my sitter should never be the one to rouse my son out of bed, prepare his breakfast, get him ready for school, or anything else. I never wanted him to see the sitter come or go, especially when he reached school age. At that point, his sensitivity heightened as he became more cognizant of my actions and our schedule as a family. Everything I did, if not properly handled, had the potential to become detrimental to his feelings and behavior. I don’t believe your children, during their young, formative years, should ever see you leaving for or coming back from dates. Your departures can be traumatic for young children as it is. If they see you leaving for a date, it may seem as though you’re picking someone else over them. If they never see it happen, then they never even know you were out and won’t be impacted by it.
Despite knowing this, there was still a time when I was so sure I had found the man I’d spend the rest of my life with and, without thinking, allowed him and our relationship to take precedence over my better judgment and my responsibilities as a mother and the figurehead in my young son’s life. I lost myself in the moments of excitement brought about by his private jets and fancy red-carpet events. Like many of us, Ifelt I wanted to be more than just a mom. I wanted to enjoy life and find my own identity, one that was not attached to the PTA and play dates. On paper, the theory looked solid, but in actuality, by the time my son was five and began kindergarten, I’d disrupted the balance I’d created for him just a few years before. I became determined to break away from mommydom each and every single weekend, and the adverse change in my son’s behavior became painfully evident. He began acting out in school and lost his ability to focus and uphold his good grades. When I realized how selfish I’d been, I became as devastated as he had been when, in his eyes, his mommy had found a replacement for him. As with anything else in life, we as mothers have to find balance in our dating habits.
So, you ask, what if my child w akes up during the night, comes out for a glass of w ater or to go to the bathroom, and sees the sitter? Now what? Is he going to be traumatized because Mommy’s not home? Your sitter should be someone you know, someone with whom your child will feel at ease in your home. It should be a family member, a best girlfriend, or someone close to you whom you and your child trust. If it’s someone you have to hire, you should find a way tomake this person your friend. Treat the sitter the way you would a suitor. You take the time to get to know a suitor—do the same with the sitter. Visit the sitter’s house. Get to know the sitter’s family and friends. Ensure that this person is trustworthy. Once you’ve gained a certain level of confidence, then, and only then, introduce the sitter to your child as one of your friends so that your child will view the sitter as such. The sitter should not just come over for work but should be welcome during times outside of work. She (or he) should genuinely become your friend. That way if your child wakes in the night and sees the sitter, it doesn’t necessarily mean Mommy went out. It just means Mommy’s friend came over to hang out like she always does.
Many of you who work outside of the home may already have day care for your child, which you use during the workweek. You may find equal success using them for aftercare services, if available, since you and your child will already be familiar with them and have a certain comfort level.
Ideally, make a friend your sitter, but if that’s not possible, make your sitter your friend. For those of us who don’t have family or friends to depend on, there is an added stress of trusting a sitter with your most precious possession. Even though you’ve befriended your sitter and gotten to know her background, you’ll still find yourself calling home throughout your date, checking to make sure everything at home is okay. Eventually, you will adjust, and as long as you have found balance between your facebook dating and your family life, so will your little one. But it’s usually awkward in the very beginning.
Once you’ve gotten past the sitter issue, an even greater one has the potential to present itself. What happens when you meet a man you actually know (and not just think) might be the one, but he hasn’t met your child yet, since you’ve been cautious and deliberate about introducing men into your environment? This is the part where your heart jumps into your throat—the day the kid meets Mommy’s “friend.” This can be terrifying for a single mother and terribly overwhelming for our children. You wonder what your child will think about all this. Our kids are so fragile, capable of being enormously impacted by what we bring into their world. You wonder, Will he like the man? What title and description have you given identifying who this man even is? Have you and your man definitively concluded that you are, in fact, in a serious relationship? Real relationships don’t just happen. They have to be decided upon and agreed to mutually before you begin to get your children involved. You and this man should have common objectives and plans with every intention of moving toward them and which include your child. When you finally introduce your child to your man, it should be with the explanation that this is your mate, and he has come to be a part of both of your lives.
Your child should be included in the decision of bringing a man into your family. When children aren’t included, they often act out, and you end up having two separate relationships—one with your lover and one with your child, which is the mistake I made and explained above. Having two separate lives may sound as if it can work, but it can’t—not successfully. If you’re in a relationship, it means your child is in that relationship, as well. The nature of your romance should be explained to all the necessary members of both your families so that there’s no confusion. Your children should never feel uncertain about the standing of the person you are bringing into their lives, having to guess what this man’s role will be. Even more important, he absolutely has to make his intentions evident through his actions: taking time to get to know your child, allowing your highly impressionable young one to see him being a helpmate to you and not a hindrance.
Your children have to see this man making you happy, helping you around the house, and helping to make a difference in their lives without forcing his presence upon them. Ever so gently and cautiously, your mate should interject those male wisdoms that only a man can. Even though so many of us have been told, or convinced ourselves, that we can be both mother and father to a young girl or boy, this is one of the biggest lies being passed off today, to the detriment of children and families everywhere. There are things a man can give to both you and your children that will enrich your family beyond your expectations, if you’ve taken the time to be sure your man is the right man for all of you. Between teaching your young son about household and financial responsibilities and the proper way to care for and about women, and instructing your young daughter on how to pay those fresh little boys in school no mind and hold her chastity close, a man’s words can be highly influential and life-altering.
It is imperative that we make sure to date only men who want to have children, are fans of and champions for them. To do otherwise will create tremendous drama, frustration, and conflict for you, your man, and your child. This was the underlying reason why, in the relationship I referenced earlier, I was unable to include my son in activities with my man. I wound up creating an alternate life and a lifestyle that allowed no place for my son. The moment I heard this man was no kid lover, I should have walked away and found a man worthy of us both. This was my mistake. I only hope you will do the opposite and spare both you and your child unnecessary pain.
And let’s not forget your child’s father. Whether he’s a baby daddy or your ex-husband, he’ll need to be notified as to who the new man in your and his child’s life is going to be. Be careful, however. Make this introduction only when you’re sure it’s the real thing. Real, as in engagement-ring real. Even if your ex is the worst man in the world, you have to respect him enough to make him aware that another man is coming into your world, thus having the ability to affect his child. There are plenty of good men who are concerned about having their children around someone who could potentially cause them harm.
Recap
You have to be strategic about introducing the element of facebook dating into the secure world you’ve created for yourself and your child.
Your child should never even see the sitter in the initial stages of your dates.
Make your friend your sitter, but if that’s not possible, make your sitter your friend.
Your child should be included in the decision of bringing a man into your family.
Make sure to date only men who want to have children and are fans of them.
Even if your ex is the worst man in the world, you have to respect him enough to make him aware that another man is coming into your world, thus having the ability to affect his child.
Dating as a single mother has to be one of the trickiest forms of facebook dating. There is so much to consider and so many pitfalls to negotiate. First off, there’s always the underlying guilt of leaving your child for a night out with some guy you may or may not like. The whole time you’re on the date, you’re wondering if your little one has awakened during the night and is wondering where his mommy is. You feel as if you’re doing something wrong, as if you’re choosing this man you’re out with over your child. While that hopefully isn’t the case, what it means is that you have to be strategic about introducing the element of facebook dating into the secure world you’ve created for you and your child.
As a rule, facebook dating should happen only after your child’s bedtime and before he or she wakes up. That’s when you should plan to have the sitter on hand. Your child should never even see the sitter in the initial stages of your dates. In my case, my son would be in bed by 8:00 p.m. I always scheduled my dates for 9:00 p.m. and would have my sitter arrive shortly before. In the event Ithought I’d found the love of my life (insert chuckle here) and wanted to stay out overnight, I made sure to return before my son awoke. Even during my dating frenzy, I believed my sitter should never be the one to rouse my son out of bed, prepare his breakfast, get him ready for school, or anything else. I never wanted him to see the sitter come or go, especially when he reached school age. At that point, his sensitivity heightened as he became more cognizant of my actions and our schedule as a family. Everything I did, if not properly handled, had the potential to become detrimental to his feelings and behavior. I don’t believe your children, during their young, formative years, should ever see you leaving for or coming back from dates. Your departures can be traumatic for young children as it is. If they see you leaving for a date, it may seem as though you’re picking someone else over them. If they never see it happen, then they never
even know you were out and won’t be impacted by it.
Despite knowing this, there was still a time when I was so sure I had found the man I’d spend the rest of my life with and, without thinking, allowed him and our relationship to take precedence over my better judgment and my responsibilities as a mother and the figurehead in my young son’s life. I lost myself in the moments of excitement brought about by his private jets and fancy red-carpet events. Like many of us, Ifelt I wanted to be more than just a mom. I wanted to enjoy life and find
my own identity, one that was not attached to the PTA and play dates. On paper, the theory looked solid, but in actuality, by the time my son was five and began kindergarten, I’d disrupted the balance I’d created for him just a few years before. I became determined to break away from mommydom each and every single weekend, and the adverse change in my son’s behavior became painfully evident. He began acting out in school and lost his ability to focus and uphold his good grades. When I realized how selfish I’d been, I became as devastated as he had been when, in his eyes, his mommy had found a replacement for him. As with anything else in life, we as mothers have to find balance in our dating habits.
So, you ask, what if my child w akes up during the night, comes out for a glass of w ater or to go to the bathroom, and sees the sitter? Now what? Is he going to be traumatized because Mommy’s not home? Your sitter should be someone you know, someone with whom your child will feel at ease in your home. It should be a family member, a
best girlfriend, or someone close to you whom you and your child trust. If it’s someone you have to hire, you should find a way tomake this person your friend. Treat the sitter the way you would a suitor. You take the time to get to know a suitor—do the same with the sitter. Visit the sitter’s house. Get to know the sitter’s family and friends. Ensure that this person is trustworthy. Once you’ve gained a certain level of confidence, then, and only then, introduce the sitter to your child as one of your friends so that your child will view the sitter as such. The sitter should not just come over for work but should be welcome during times outside of work. She (or he)
should genuinely become your friend. That way if your child wakes in the night and sees the sitter, it doesn’t necessarily mean Mommy went out. It just means Mommy’s friend came over to hang out like she always does.
Many of you who work outside of the home may already have day care for your child, which you use during the workweek. You may find equal success using them for aftercare services, if available, since you and your child will already be familiar with them and have a certain comfort level.
Ideally, make a friend your sitter, but if that’s not possible, make your sitter your friend. For those of us who don’t have family or friends to depend on, there is an added stress of trusting a sitter with your most precious possession. Even though you’ve befriended your sitter and gotten to know her background, you’ll still find yourself calling home throughout your date, checking to make sure everything at home is okay. Eventually, you will adjust, and as long as you have found balance between your facebook dating and your family life, so will your little one. But it’s usually awkward in the very beginning.
Once you’ve gotten past the sitter issue, an even greater one has the potential to present itself. What happens when you meet a man you actually know (and not just think) might be the one, but he hasn’t met your child yet, since you’ve been cautious and deliberate about introducing men into your environment? This is the part where your
heart jumps into your throat—the day the kid meets Mommy’s “friend.” This can be terrifying for a single mother and terribly overwhelming for our children. You wonder what your child will think about all this. Our kids are so fragile, capable of being enormously impacted by what we bring into their world. You wonder, Will he like the man? What title and description have you given identifying who this man even is? Have you and your man definitively concluded that you are, in fact, in a serious relationship? Real relationships don’t just happen. They have to be decided upon and agreed to mutually before you begin to get your children involved. You and this man should have common objectives and plans with every intention of moving toward them and which include your child. When you finally introduce your child to your man, it should be with the explanation that this is your mate, and he has come to be a part of both of your lives.
Your child should be included in the decision of bringing a man into your family. When children aren’t included, they often act out, and you end up having two separate relationships—one with your lover and one with your child, which is the mistake I made and explained above. Having two separate lives may sound as if it can work, but it can’t—not successfully. If you’re in a relationship, it means your child is in that relationship, as well. The nature of your romance should be explained to all the necessary members of both your families so that there’s no confusion. Your children should never feel uncertain about the standing of the person you are bringing into their lives, having to guess what this man’s role will be. Even more important, he absolutely has to make his intentions evident through his actions: taking time to get to know your child, allowing your highly impressionable young one to see him being a helpmate to you and not a hindrance.
Your children have to see this man making you happy, helping you around the house, and helping to make a difference in their lives without forcing his presence upon them. Ever so gently and cautiously, your mate should interject those male wisdoms that only a man can. Even though so many of us have been told, or convinced ourselves, that we can be both mother and father to a young girl or boy, this is one of the biggest lies being passed off today, to the detriment of children and families everywhere. There are things a man can give to both you and your children that will enrich your family beyond your expectations, if you’ve taken the time to be sure your man is the right man for all of you. Between teaching your young son about household and financial responsibilities and the proper way to care for and about women, and instructing your young daughter on how to pay those fresh little boys in school no mind and hold her chastity close, a man’s words can be highly influential and life-altering.
It is imperative that we make sure to date only men who want to have children, are fans of and champions for them. To do otherwise will create tremendous drama, frustration, and conflict for you, your man, and your child. This was the underlying reason why, in the relationship I referenced earlier, I was unable to include my son in activities with my man. I wound up creating an alternate life and a lifestyle that allowed no place for my son. The moment I heard this man was no kid lover, I should have walked away and found a man worthy of us both. This was my mistake. I only hope you will do the opposite and spare both you and your child unnecessary pain.
And let’s not forget your child’s father. Whether he’s a baby daddy or your ex-husband, he’ll need to be notified as to who the new man in your and his child’s life is going to be. Be careful, however. Make this introduction only when you’re sure it’s the real thing. Real, as in engagement-ring real. Even if your ex is the worst man in the world, you have to respect him enough to make him aware that another man is coming into your world, thus having the ability to affect his child. There are plenty of good men who are concerned about having their children around someone who could potentially cause them harm.
Recap
You have to be strategic about introducing the element of facebook dating into the secure world you’ve created for yourself and your child.
Your child should never even see the sitter in the initial stages of your dates.
Make your friend your sitter, but if that’s not possible, make your sitter your friend.
Your child should be included in the decision of bringing a man into your family.
Make sure to date only men who want to have children and are fans of them.
Even if your ex is the worst man in the world, you have to respect him enough to make him aware that another man is coming into your world, thus having the ability to affect his child.