AUR: World's Worst Jokes [Long]

[Marcus Lauer]

[Don't worry, some of them are quite funny. Found on rec.humor]

In article <Pine.SGI.3.91.970109152637.21546A-100000@hawk>,
Craig Kelly <cp...@le.ac.uk> wrote:
)
) World's Worst Jokes
)
)Here's my (growing) collection of really bad jokes. If you have any bad jokes
)that you think I'm missing feel free to email me :).
)
)Well, enjoy!
)
)
) Newscaster: 'Someone has stolen all the toilets at Scotland Yard.
) Police say they have got nothing to go on.'
)
) Who invented the first pen?
) The Incas.
)
) Used cars are fine as far as they go.
)
) What is Mary short for?
) She's only got little legs.
)
) What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
) Wiped his bum.
)
) Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
)
) Why did the lepers stop playing ice hockey?
) Because there was a face off in the corner.
)
) How do you tell who is the blind man at the nudist camp?
) It's not hard, is it?
)
) Whats red and lies at the side of the road? A dead bus.
)
) Whats brown and sticky? A stick
)
) Jesus Saves!
) ...But Satan gets in on the rebound.
)
) When I got home yesterday, my parents started throwing lettuces at me.
) And thats just the tip of the Iceberg.
)
) I took my car for a service yesterday, but I couldn't fit it through
) the church doors.
)
) "I don't understand it."
) "What?"
) "Chinese!"
) "I can't get over it."
) "What?"
) "A ten foot wall!"
) "You've got to hand it to them."
) "Who?"
) "Ticket collectors!"
)
) Whats red and sits in a tree?
) A sanitary owl.
)
) Two Irishman were sitting on the floor. One fell off.
)
) What did the bottle of orange say to the glass of water?
) I'm diluted to meet you.
)
) What goes black-white-black-white-black-white?
) A penguin rolling down a hill.
)
) What did the tie say to the hat?
) You hang around and I'll go on ahead.
)
) Why did the skeleton burp?
) He didn't have the guts to fart!
)
) Car Sticker: "If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!!"
)
) Car Sticker: "I love animals - They taste great!"
)
) Car Sticker: "Preserve wildlife! Pickle a squirrel!"
)
) "Mummy, Mummy, can I go out and play with the other kids?"
) "Shut up and deal."
)
) "Mummy, Mummy, I don't like Daddy!"
) "Well, leave him on the side of your plate."
)
) "Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the bowl?"
) "No, flush it like everyone else."
)
) Psychiatrist: "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
) Man: "Its really my family, they sent me here."
) Psychiatrist: "Why do you feel your family want you here?"
) Man: "I suppose its because I like suasages."
) Psychiatrist: "Well, there's nothing wrong with that, I like sausages
) too!"
) Man (manic): "Do you?! COME TO THE HOUSE! I'VE GOT THOUSANDS!"
)
) Psychiatrist: "Well, what seems to be the problem?"
) Man: "I think I'm a dog."
) Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! Come and lie on the couch."
) Man: "Oh no, I'm not allowed on the couch."
)
) Did you hear the one about the two elephants who fell off a cliff?
) Boom Boom!
)
) Sellafield are famous for talking balls... And other strange side
) effects.
)
) Why did the Irishman take a car door to the desert? So when he got
) hot, he could wind the window down!
)
) Thief, "I really can't stand it when people squeeze the toothpaste
) tube from the middle! Oooooooo, or when people put used matches back
) into the box!"
) Policeman, "I am arresting you for being a petty thief!"
)
) Why does no one like Count Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
)
) The Government has just announced that there is a milk shortage. Well,
) plenty of milk is being produced, its just not getting into the
) bottles. And if that brings tears to your eyes, just think what its
) doing to the cows.
)
) A priest on confessional duty saw a drunk stagger into his church,
) look around, see the confessionals, and immediately go into one. The
) priest quietly walked down the aisle, and entered his appointed booth
) beside the drunk. He opened the window between the two booths and said
) "May I help you my son?" The drunk replied, "Yeah, you got any toilet
) paper in your side?"
)
) What do you call an Irishman with a bottle of Shampoo on his head?
) Tim O' Tay.
)
) Why do elephants have big ears?
) Because Noddy won't pay the randsom.
)
) 2 pilots are flying over Iraq. They see 2 flying carpets coming
) towards them.
) Pilot 1: "Are those enemy carpets?"
) Pilot 2: "No, they're allied."
)
) Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump, his
) sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If
) it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you
) land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath
) and jumped. He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing
) happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he
) careened crazily earthward, he said to himself: "Now I'll bet that
) truck won't be there either!"
)
) Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend;
) Indide of a dog, it's too dark to read.
) -Groucho Marx
)
) A woman is arguing with a meat counter clerk who is trying to tell her
) that the store is out of chicken. Finally the clerk calls the manager
) to come over and help.
) "Lady," says the manager, "how do you spell the tom in tomato?"
) "T-O-M," she replies.
) "Now how do you spell the pot in potato?" he asks her.
) "P-O-T," she answers.
) "Then how do you spell the stink in chicken?" he asks.
) "There is no stink in chicken," the woman answers.
) The manager exclaims, "That's what we've been trying to tell you!"
)
) Why did the lady go outdoors with her purse open?
) Because she expected some change in the weather.
)
) What did the salt say to the pepper?
) Season's Greetings.
)
) What has more lives than a cat?
) A frog. It croaks every night.
)
) Do you know why the oyster did not want to give up his pearl?
) He was a little shellfish.
)
) What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
) Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
)
) Where do you find the most fish?
) Between the head and the tail.
)
) How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
) A phew.
)
) What do you use to paint a rabbit?
) Hare spray.
)
) How did they know the man eaten by sharks had dandruff?
) They found head and shoulders on the beach.
)
) Where does a rancher record his inventory?
) In a cattle-log.
)
) A women stopped at a petrol station to fill up her car. While she was
) filling her tank, petrol got on her arm, she paid it no attention. She
) paid the petrol station attendant and left. A little ways down the
) road she lit a cigarette. Unfortunately she lit her arm in the
) process. Frantic she rolled down the window thinking the wind would
) put out the flames. It didn't. She pass a police car, still franticly
) waving her arm out the window. Seeing this the policemen followed and
) stopped the women Once stopped the police arrested the women. Charges:
) Illegal use of a FIREARM!
)
) What do you call a chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
) Irene.
)
) "Doctor, doctor I have a fish on my head"
) "Yes, I'm afraid you have a brain tuna"
)
) There are two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How the hell do
) you drive this thing??"
)
) There are two parrots sitting on a perch. One says "I smell fish."
)
) Did you hear about the new shampoo for tramps?
) It's called "Go and Wash".
)
) A brain goes into a pub and orders a pint. "Sorry" says the barman
) "but your already out of your head."
)
) A sandwich goes into a bar and orders a pint. "Sorry" says the barman
) "but we don't serve food."
)
) A horse goes into a bar. The barman notices him and wanders over. He
) looks at him for a while then asks "Say, why the long face?"
)
) What's the man who buys and sells old flies called
) An ant-tic dealer
)
) How do you know there's an elephant under your bed?
) Because you need a ladder to get in.
)
) English History Lesson. The teacher said to Flanagan, "Where was Ann
) Boleyn beheaded?".
) Flanaghan said, "Below the chin."
)
) What do you call an Irishman who hangs from the middle of the ceiling
) of a banquet hall?
) Sean D'Olier.
)
) Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
) Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.
)
) Son: "Dad, I don't want to go to Australia."
) Father: "Shut up, and keep digging!"
)
) Have you heard about the Irishman who had to give up his job as a
) fireman? It used to take him nearly two hours to slide back up the
) pole!
)
) Bookseller: "This excellent book will do half your work."
) Gordon: "I'll take two."
)
) An Irishman was charged with deserting his wife.
) "I award your wife 1000 pounds a month," said the Judge.
) "Thats very generous of your honour," said the Irishman. "I'll try and
) give her a few quid myself as well."
)
) And what about the Explorer who paid ten pound for a sheet of
) sandpaper?
) He thought it was a map of the Sahara desert.
)
) What did Hamlet say to weight watchers?
) Tubby, or not tubby...
)
) What should you do if you find a Rhino sleeping in your bed?
) Sleep somewhere else.
)
) What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
) About half a mile an hour.
)
) What do you call two rows of cabbages?
) A dual cabbage-way.
)
) What game can 100 elephants play in a car?
) Squash.
)
) What do ants do when they are ill?
) Take antibiotics.
)
) How do fleas travel?
) By itch-hiking.
)
) "Why have you got your shoes on the wrong feet, Anne?"
) "They're the only feet I've got Mum!"
)
) Why do witches fly about on broomsticks?
) Because vacuum cleaners don't have long enough cords.
)
) What is a bee with its legs crossed doing on the motorway?
) Looking for a BP station.
)
) What animal goes to bed with its shoes on?
) A horse.
)
) What happened to the piano that sounded a bit fishy?
) They took it to the tuna.
)
) What's copper nitrate?
) A policeman's overtime.
)
) What is a common illness in China?
) Kung-Flu.
)
) What kind of meringues repeat?
) Boo-Meringues.
)
) What driver can't drive?
) A screwdriver.
)
) Why do cows wear bells?
) Their horns don't work.
)
) Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud and then
) cross back again?
) Because he was a dirty double crosser.
)
) Did you hear about the Irish jellyfish?
) It set.
)
) How do you make a sandwich spread?
) By sitting on it.
)
) Why is it difficult to keep a secret on the North pole?
) Because your teeth tend to chatter.
)
)
)You got to the bottom? Wow. Well done.

---------------------------------------------------- Marcus Lauer -------
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