Posted stuff to thread on that vibrant evergreen which has given
extravagant joy to so many toilers in the vineyards of our language,
to wit: "Wot are the times you use semi colons?"
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.usage.english/browse_thread/thread/7e8779c478a32f63/ab8654a01dbf077b?q=
I ridiculed and derided their use there and, God granting me
sufficient sap for my pistol, will continue to mock and sneer a
fortiori with fortississimo strapped on for decades to come. But
still, a thought snuck uninvited to my Mongol horseman's brain. What
about the following? You will see its like in many a cinematic
review:
Films nominated for the award of "Best Accompaniments to Frenzied
Mutual Masturbation" are:
Me, Myself and Irene, Drive, he said, Europa, Europa, White Hunter,
Black Heart, Lust, Caution, Sex, Lies, and Videotape, One, Two, Three,
Suddenly, Last Summer, O Brother, Where Art Thou? and X, Y and Zee. "
You probably have heard of most of these films, but try to imagine
that you have NOT. Now, how would you read this list? Would you make
such mistakes as assuming, for example, that there was a film called
"Suddenly" and another called "Last Summer"? To me, that possibility
is quite plausible. I'd go and see a film called "Suddenly". Good name
for a book too. Might write one. Right now in fact. "Suddenly". Too
right. Am already reading critics: "A work of heart-breaking genius
frets a new constellation onto the canon of Great Literature, and its
name is Myles Paulsen", "I laughed and cried so hard, I shit
myself...", "No novel has made me cum in my pants without me helping
it along, and this one sure did, and I'm 87..." and so on.
Otoh, I do not imagine that there would be many (of we chaps and
chappettes anyway in this hallowed froup) who might have to be
disenchanted of the surmise that there are TWO films called Europa.
You see, the first one was a dud, so the director said he'd have
another bash at it. Or, perhaps, like the priest who gave EXACTLY the
same sermon on consecutive Sundays coz "You didn't do wot I said God
wanted you to do the first time I told you. When you do, I'll give you
summink different . It's called revision." Blow me down, if the God
botherers took that line, there would be a hell of a lot more repeated
sermons, wouldn't there be now, eh, eh wot!? A HELL of a lot more!
Which of the words separated by commas SOUND like they might be films,
and which are obviously not? Throw that around for a bit and get back
to me, will ya? Just to pass the time, like. For example, if you did
NOT know that "White hunter, Black Heart" was a single film, the two
components of that title would BOTH sound like good film names,
wouldn't they? "Black Heart", the scorching account of Gina
Rinehart's grab for media control. Tag: "I'll own it all, the whole
fucking world, ALL of it!!"
Some of the titles do give the game away, but not without a shadow of
a doubt. "X, Y and Zee" might be two separate films, the first one,
the formidable "X" being the story of Bradley Manning. Here's a little
trailer. Commander comes to HQ where Brad is sending two million files
to Julian Assange and knocks on door. Brad answers door dressed only
in suspenders and a tutu, with full makeup on, and with a bong in one
hand and a bottle of Jack Daniel's in the other. Officer says "Is your
commanding officer in there?" Brad says "What do you think?"
And then "Y and Zee" could be about, well, about, you tell me what
about? Tag says "Wot the fuck happened to X?"
And natch, there MIGHT have been a film called "Lust, Caution, Sex".
Bloke gets really horny and has got a woody like a broom handle. Then
his lover says "Hang about a mo, Seth. Just coz I bang like a shit
house door in a hurricane, don't mean I want to get preggers. Put this
on" and she throws him a condom. It's a school sex education film, for
12 year olds. Mitt Romney made it, and plays in it. He's the producer,
and plays Seth. That's why it's got four sheilas ALL throwing him
frenchies, every colour under the sun, even tho he's only got one
dick. He's waving said dick back and forth like a light saber coz he
don't know which 14 year old he's gonna hump first. And there all
begging him for it. Now they are throwing him money, begging to be
first. He wrote it! It's one HELL of a sex education film, I'll give
him that. He shows that Obama is not the only cool dude around these
parts of the U S of A. No sir. "Yes, WE CAN? Why, just stand back and
watch this. GERONIMO!!" And now Mitt's moving like a hamster on crack
as he pounds away. "Oh yeah yeah yeah!! And I can too…"
So wadda ya think?
Myles [I went too far, didn't I? Not again! Aaaarghhh…] paulsen