NEW: Senseless 'Shipper Survey - SR 819
Paul Wartenberg
Again, sorry for the delay...and please, email any response you
might have, except for anything that has the words "no money down" or
"you too can make bucko dinero" in it...
SR 819 NEW
Here we go...
1) The episode opens within a hospital as orderlies, nurses and
doctors run about frantically. It seems a patient being prepped for
emergency procedures has gone into shock. The doctor on call wants
someone to contact Agent Scully, as the patient is from the FBI and
he's about to die. You realize:
A) The patient must be Mulder, and the damn Punk must have drunk that
6-month-old orange juice left in his fridge again!
B) That if Anthony Edwards or Noah Wylie appear, someone's going to
have to tell them they're in the wrong show and ship them back off to
NBC...
C) That Dana is not about to give up her honeymoon with Fox just to
get Diana Fowley's shoe out of Spender's butt!
2) We realize the dying agent is instead Assistant Director Skinner,
and he whispers a name before his stats go flatline. As the doctor
says not to revive him, you:
A) Sit in shock to see a doctor fail in her obligations to use all
available means to save a patient. Oh, excuse me, St. Scully would
like to have a word with you before the ethics board...
B) Shudder to think who they'll get to replace Mitch on the show...oh,
God no, not Sinbad!! AIIEEE!
C) Sigh in relief...no more Walter/Dana slash stuff
anymore...<whew>...
3) From beyond the grave, Walter Skinner speaks to us, and in his
whispers we learn...that the words of the prophets are written on the
subway walls <writer gets trout-slapped> <oops>...he whispers how life
is defined by what and how we choose, and how he had always tried to
straddle the fence, choosing not to choose. You reply:
A) With the words of wisdom the Blessed One received from her father
once in the days of her youth: "All we are is dust in the wind."
<trout-slap> <ouch!>
B) With the words of wisdom received from listening to Rush
tunes...that even if you decide not to choose, you still have made a
choice... <trout-slap> <stop that!>
C) Uh, um, with the words of wisdom received in Conradt's Comparative
Politics class at the University of Florida...for God's sake, put that
trout down! <waits> Okay, the words of wisdom were "Communism doesn't
work because there's no money in it!" <nothing happens> <whew>
4) We flash back to Skinner's last 24 hours, as he prepares to take to
the ring to defend the title of "Most Kick-Ass Assistant Director." As
his manager does his best Burgess Meredith impersonation while Skinner
takes some punches, you discover:
A) That if that manager guy starts doing the "Waugh! Waugh!" laugh of
the Penguin, you will have no choice but to toss the t.v. out the
window and resign yourself to reading Rimbaud for the rest of your
life
B) That Skinner never seemed to be a boxer type, and I ain't talking
about his underwear!
C) That it's been ten minutes into the show already and Dana and Fox
have yet to...to...oh, you don't suppose we're obsessing a little too
much on the hand-holding, do you?...
5) Skinner gets knocked senseless and finds himself waking up in a
hospital weak and oddly bruised around his ribs. As he stumbles back
to his office, he passes by Fox "One More Pencil And I'll Beat
Letterman" Mulder who notes how sickly his former boss seems. Mulder
quickly calls in the expert, Dana "Why, Yes, I Look Great All Hours Of
The Night" Scully, and as she takes one look at Skinner you believe
she will:
A) Declare a quarantine, get into her medical scrubs, yell at clueless
underlings to "make things happen", and basically turn into the
Take-Charge kind of Saint you've always wanted
B) Give Skinner two aspirin and send him home for a bowl of chicken
soup
C) Ignore Skinner and turn instead toward Fox, giving him the
lung-sucking, knee-trembling, bee-damning kiss you've always wanted
Dana to give him. <very deep sigh>
6) Scully tries to figure out why Skinner has a nasty bruise, while
Mulder tries to figure out why Skinner received an electronically
scrambled warning that he had 24 hours to live. Mulder thinks it still
has something to do with the X-Files as Skinner supervises Spender and
Fowley. When the agents go over Skinner's day, with him "waking up
alone," you swear:
A) That you heard people snickering over Mulder's conviction this has
to do with the X-Files...like Skinner says, it's all about you isn't
it, you Punk!...
B) That you heard about 20-million-plus Skinner fans weep and start
writing fanfic with them helping poor Walter wake up with somebody
(preferably the one writing the fanfic!)
C) That you heard a huge sigh of relief from 'Shippers who were
worried Dana was helping Walter with breakfasts...<whew>...Fox still
has a chance!...
7) Skinner remembers meeting someone in the halls of the Hoover
building that morning, and in flashback we also see a bearded man
walking by, all before saying hello to his red-headed secretary. You
worry:
A) That Skinner has intentionally taken this route to work in order to
avoid Weasel Boy and Fowl-Like before he can enjoy a danish and a cup
of decaf...well, hey, actually this doesn't bother you at all!...
B) That security at the FBI headquarters has been incredibly lax ever
since they started letting in guys who write "Pass" on a scrap piece
of paper
C) That Walt's got a thing for red-heads...uh-oh...
8) Mulder drags Skinner out to confront Dr. Orgel, the man who met the
assistant director in the hallway. While the boys get some fun in a
shoot-out with the thugs who are kidnaping the poor physicist, Scully
goes to confront the doctor who saw Skinner earlier, and finds that
the blood sample for her former boss is filled with...something. As
you watch these microscopic fiendish thingees multiply, you realize:
A) That Scully is, as always, the one who is seriously doing her job
while the Punk and the Bald Stud fill their shoot-out quota for the
season
B) That "Triangle" was the holodeck episode, "Rain King" the Barclay
episode (!), and now they've got the nanite episode...yup, they're
finally getting all their recycled Trek scripts out of the way!...
C) That if Skinner is going to be as sick as Dana thinks, she's going
to have to call her mother to come by for a hospital vigil so someone
can finally call the guy "Walt"...;-)
9) Mulder and Skinner capture a thug, but have to let him go because
he has diplomatic immunity with the Tunisian embassy. Tunisia? Doesn't
that mean:
A) More corn? More bees? More double-dealing blondes? Argh...
B) These thugs are from Mos Eisley, a wretched hive of scum and
villainy? And it looked like Boba Fett was driving the car!...
C) Dana and Fox have an excuse for an exotic overseas vacation when
they go chasing these guys back to their homeland? Yes!...
10) Mulder finds a connection between Dr. Orgel and his congressional
patron Senator Matheson. Mulder wakes the senator trying to find out
what Orgel was working on: something called Senate Resolution 819, a
health and medical aid package for third world nations. You're pretty
sure that SR 819 really is:
A) A Senate resolution declaring St. Scully to be one kick-ass cool
FBI agent. Yeah, she's one bad <OBSSE sisters: you shut your mouth>
Hey! Just talking about Scully. <OBSSE sisters: we can dig it!>
B) Yet another pork barrel money deal for the special interests that
was planned out by political hacks while their boss Clinton was busy
playing, uh, Parcheesi <we hope>
C) A secret endeavor by the Powers That Be to keep
spooky-and-beautiful FBI agents from making out with their
redheaded-and-witty partners...so Dana and Fox HAVE to STOP that bill
before it's TOO LATE!...
11) Skinner follows the Tunisian thug into a darkened parking lot,
where he gets shot at. Another gunfight ensues as a sicker Skinner
loses his focus and his stamina just as the thug finally gets the drop
on him. But then, a car squeals out, the bearded driver slamming his
vehicle and killing the thug before he killed Skinner. As the weakened
assistant director collapses against a nearby car, you notice:
A) That bald men of authority never listen to their doctors! Picard
never listened to Crusher, Stubing never listened to Doc...and how
many times did those guys come close to death? Count 'em!...
B) That dent in the car where Skinner slammed into it...damn, they
just don't make $200,000 cars like they used to
C) That the bearded guy must have stolen Fox or Dana's car...didn't
you see the "Just Married" sign on the rear window and the cans tied
to the bumper?...No?...
12) Skinner is brought to a hospital where the surgeon on call,
deciding the bruising and bulging skin is too diseased for recovery,
is about to cut his arm off. When Scully bursts in to the room, using
her powers to stop the surgery, you:
A) Cheer the righteousness of the Blessed Skeptic and drink a
Scullyrita to her good fortunes that Joan Rivers is getting blocked
from working the celeb line at the Oscars this year...At last, GA is
safe from the evil that is...Joan! <shudder>
B) Realize that this has been the goal all along...to get a one-armed
Skinner! Sadly, there ARE some Skinner-Philes who'd think that
was...kinky...<shudder>
C) Recoil from the memory of...of...Nurse Nancy and her cutting tools!
<shudder>
13) Scully stops the surgery while Mulder uncovers more evidence of
what SR 819 was all about. They meet outside Skinner's hospital room
to trade info and discuss strategy: Mulder believes Orgel was going to
warn Skinner about possible trade violations of new technology; Scully
might have an idea what that new technology is. As someone's cel phone
starts ringing, you discover:
A) That Scully needs to answer her phone and relay some arcane medical
knowledge to one of her colleagues
B) That Mulder needs to answer his phone and confirm that, yes, he'd
LOVE to get that low phone rate for those 1-900 numbers of his!
C) That Dana and Fox need not answer that phone and instead whisper to
each other a bit more in that hallway...that's it, move closer!
Whisper a little lower! Lean in, lean in! <pant> <pant>
14) Mulder chases the Bearded Man from the hospital and gets the
forensics team to check for clues on Bearded Man's car. Scully tries
to comfort Skinner with a radical procedure to stop the micro-machine
invasion. Skinner gets a bit misty-eyed, and apologizes for not being
"the kind of ally that I could have been" in the agents' quest against
the forces of darkness. When Scully comforts him by holding his hand,
you:
A) Ponder if St. Scully is using her link to the Force to heal Skinner
right then and there...naw, the Punk would think it was aliens or
something...
B) Realize all they need to do to purge Skinner of the nanites would
be to have Data perform a Vulcan mind-meld with them, dealing to their
collective-mind, convincing the nanites to exit the man's body, enter
a vial, and getting shipped off to the Satellite of Love where they
can do some damage, uh, good, do some good!...
C) Worry that Dana and Walt are...could...no, OH GOD NO...<whimper>
15) Mulder goes looking for the Bearded Man, who has infected Orgel
and who kills the doctor before a horrified Matheson. Mulder confronts
his benefactor over the technology of nanites, technology meant to
heal but if perverted able to kill. Meanwhile, the opening scene is
replayed, and Skinner dies...but then he returns to life, watching in
pain as the Bearded Man (who looks awfully familiar) disappears from
view. You take this all in and:
A) Know that Skinner whispered the name of Scully, thus becoming
healed by his faith in her, so it's a miracle, a MIRACLE! Quick, send
that letter off to the Vatican and start the beafication process
ASAP!...
B) Know that Skinner whispered the name of his sled...<writer ducks
every conceivable object being thrown at him>
C) Know that Skinner whispered the name of his one true love Vosh...or
was that Jenny, the girl he had a huge crush on in the fifth grade?
Maybe it was Kara, that Hawaiian girl he met on that weekend pass
between 'Nam and California...or was it <insert entire name list of
the Walter Skinner Love Slave Fan Club here>? Hmm...
BONUS: It's over. Whatever infected Skinner has disappeared from all
forms of medical detection. The bill for SR 819 was defeated for some
unknown reason. Mulder wants to continue the investigation, especially
to look for the Bearded Man, whom Skinner now refuses to identify. The
assistant director refuses, much to Mulder's confusion and Scully's
dismay, to allow further inquiry. Later, he goes to his car and talks
to the man waiting in the backseat: Krycek, who had been the Bearded
Man all along, threatens Skinner with the nanites lying dormant within
his body, and leaves the car hinting that Skinner is his little puppy
now. Which leaves you to:
A) Wonder if Skinner is going to need a Holy Handkerchief from now on
to symbolize his conspiracy-induced illness...
B) Want Skinner to lock his car doors! C'mon, pal, just because the
parking garage has a gate doesn't mean your car is completely safe!
Sheesh...
C) Worry about the overflow of slash fanfiction that'll clog the
newsgroups for the next month or so...
If you more often than not answered:
A) Then you are an OBSSE believer who's convinced that Scully would
have learned how to get rid of the nanites if she had just borrowed
Frohike's copy of that Next Generation episode from Season Three...
B) Then you are a fan of Star Trek who knows just how to deal with
nanites...it's in the brochure they come with, duh! Just have to know
how to read Ferengi, that's all...
C) Then you are a 'Shipper who's measured Skinner's body language
around Dana, the way he opens up to her for confessions, the fact his
secretary looks like a Scully body-double, and conclude...uh-oh.
Walt's in love with Dana! Fox, DO SOMETHING! Marry her before it's TOO
LATE!!!
--
Paul Wartenberg ----------------------- | --Chat channels-----
z004...@bc.seflin.org ---------------- | --Undernet, #seflin-
-----or vill...@gate.net ------------- | --Chatnet, #obsse---
http://members.icanect.net/~village6 | --you will know me--
-----X-Files 'Shipper Archives--------- | --As roguelib-------
AlexaRat
> B) That "Triangle" was the holodeck episode, "Rain King" the Barclay
> episode (!), and now they've got the nanite episode...yup, they're
> finally getting all their recycled Trek scripts out of the way!...
What do you mean, "the" holodeck episode??? *shriek* Do you know how many damn
holodeck episodes there were??????????????
>A) That bald men of authority never listen to their doctors! Picard
> never listened to Crusher, Stubing never listened to Doc...and how
> many times did those guys come close to death? Count 'em!...
Yeah, that Cap'n Stubing was a regular James Bond, alright!
~Alexa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Newly-Obsessed Krycek Fanatic
In Denial Re: the Debacle That Was "Terma"
(but loving the stupid-ass haircut!)
Email me re: all things Krycek at Alex...@aol.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sean Carroll
>
> 2) We realize the dying agent is instead Assistant Director Skinner,
> and he whispers a name before his stats go flatline. As the doctor
> says not to revive him, you:
>
> anymore...<whew>...
HEY! I'm offended. Just because this is my answer doesn't mean I'm
having shippy thoughts.
--
--Sean
http://freecenter.digiweb.com/science_fiction/Pendrell_Jr/index.html
"Nothing happens in contradiction to nature. Only in contradiction to
what we know of it." --Dana Scully
reynard muldrake
(Y) yappi
virgil incanto
cake.
2Shy
Sean Carroll
>
> Isn't senseless "shipper", an oxymoron???
No, it's repetitive. :Ş
Dawn Mariko Lester
yes, picard doesn't listen to dr. crusher. but did you ever notice that
dr. crusher is a red-head? the bald stud and the red-head.
:)
Dawn
Dueser Phile
*****************************************************************************
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
*****************************************************************************
reynard muldrake
night.
yapp
fiendis...@my-dejanews.com
Don't you mean "redundant?"
Miles
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