NEW: The Lovers' Quarrel (1/1)
CY
literary purposes that does not reflect any representation from Fox and am
not acquiring any profits from this.
TITLE: The Lovers’ Quarrel (1/1)
AUTHOR: Susan Lynn
POSTING DATE: October 1999
RATING: PG for minor language.
CLASSIFICATION: Angst. Would prefer none.
KEYWORDS: None.
ARCHIVE: Please request.
SPOILERS: Two-Fathers/One Son
SUMMARY: If you read in the next 30 minutes, you get not one, but TWO
angst-ridden Special Agents. But wait! There’s more! Not only will you
get Scully and Mulder in one story but also a cameo appearance by our
favourite villainous character – yes, that’s right folks, Special Agent
Fowley! Yay!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Had to post this and let it out into the net. I apologize
for everyone involved. Any grammar mistakes - please send all complaints to
Bill Gates for his silly word-processing software.
FEEDBACK: No spams and if you flame unconstructively, I’ll be assuming that
you lit a match and let out some gas, thus admiring you for your courage
before I transport you into my trash box. Otherwise, all are welcomed.
***
The Lovers' Quarrel
by Susan Lynn
- You still love me. I know Fox.
- You can’t suddenly stop loving a person after the years we spent together.
It doesn’t mean I want anything from you.
I drew my breath and leaned my forehead against the doorframe knowing that I
shouldn’t be listening to this conversation. Two lovers in a quarrel.
Confirmation.
- You’ve had six years Fox. If there’s any time that gives us more reason
to seize this chance, it’s now. We don’t have the luxury of time anymore.
You came to my apartment, you looked at me and told me that you had to save
the ones you loved. Tell me that kiss meant nothing, tell me you held me
simply because you pitied my loneliness. You made me pack my bags to go
with you to El Rico Airbase because I was someone you loved. But please don’
t tell me you don’t give a damn because for the last six years, my life has
been you, fighting to return to you, fighting for you, for the X-Files, for
us.
- You left Diana.
Fragments fall into place. I turn to leave. Pass the elevator door, to the
basement car park, praying that I didn’t leave my keys in the office. I open
the car door swiftly. My hands don’t tremble.
These men rule our lives with an invincible iron fist and think that they
could trade humanity for their own freedom. They don’t get it. You can’t
give away people you love and expect forgiveness. You can’t save your own
soul by sacrificing others. In the end, you’re going to burn the ones you
love, yourself and forever in hell.
Mulder.
He was no different ideologically from those men who were killed when he
called me last night and told me that he was picking me up. He never told
me we were going to El Rico Airbase. We were to be spared and saved from the
terror of colonization. He may have revealed to me the details of this
unimaginably contemptuous conspiracy but he left out the finer details of
his actions. We would have died.
‘… save the ones you love.’
To save me as well, Mulder? Save me from what? Is this life is more than
just breathing, consuming, sleeping and living Mulder?
You gave up.
I slammed my hands on the steering wheel. I can’t see the road through my
tears.
He had intended to go along with the plan and his misguided intentions to
save the ones he loved. They must have promised Samantha along with the
deal. Fuck them for playing on his passions. Fuck him because he gave up.
His actions and his motivation endorsed what they do. What they did.
To Cassandra.
To me.
- Scully?
- Yes Mulder?
- You left the office early today.
I fall lightly against wall and sink to the ground. I should turn the light
on. But the dark embraces me all around. My palms are wet from tears and I
grip the phone tighter, holding it to my ear, listening to my steady voice.
Observing my calm like a shadow from across the room.
- Is something wrong Scully?
Yes. I hate you. For your misguided trust in her. For your wavering belief
in me.
- Scully?
What can I do? It’s not just you anymore. The X-Files is my interest. I
can’t walk away now. I have work to do. I believe now.
- What’s wrong Scully?
I can’t find my voice Mulder. Surely I would scream if I let out a sound.
I still love you. I’ll always love you but I hate you in equal measure
right now and perhaps for a long time to come. I hate that from now on, I’
ll look at the sun falling through the leaves or hear the sound of a child’s
laughter or my mother’s voice and think that this may be the last time I’ll
see and hear these things. There’s no world out there, no creature beyond
this planet, no galaxies beyond this realm that could replicate all the
small joys in my life and in humanity.
How dare you assume my happiness for me? How dare you make what they stole
from me so small, so necessary and insignificant compared to the larger
scheme of things? You should have fought Mulder. You should have stayed
behind even if to die rather than endorse the notion that life can be
bartered.
- I’m coming over right now Scully. Stay right there.
So I walked. I stop at houses and apartment blocks and strain to hear the
conversations inside but all I hear is a convergence of voices that make no
sense. Laughter, words and family having dinners. The silhouettes of
people moving across translucent curtains, never quite real. Like Thai
puppets. And one soft breeze would dissolve them into air.
He might break down my door when I don’t answer. Perhaps he’ll be sensible
and use the keys. He’ll find me gone but my things will still be there. He
’ll dial my number and hear my cellular phone ring on the kitchen table. He
might panic and start scouring the block. He might call Skinner. He might
check that my car is still there and start calling the hospital emergency
rooms.
He might wait.
I want silence right now. I don’t want to deal with him and I don’t want to
exchange angry words. There is nothing to be said that can undo what has
been done. How many times had I imagined falling into his arms, letting go,
falling, falling, falling? How many times had I just wanted to kiss him,
silence the noises that haunt me in my nightmares and sink? It all seems so
trivial now. I could kiss him now and the noise will never stop, I could
fall into his arms and think twice about his hold on me.
- Where the hell have you been?
He runs down the steps of my building only to stop short in front of me.
Should he hold me or shake me, he thinks?
- For a walk Mulder. I went for a walk.
He must see my face. He might see that I have been crying. Perhaps he doesn
’t. I hide it well. I always hide it well.
- Scu ..
He takes my shoulder and I know he wants to shake me. He squeezes it as
though restraining himself from hurting me more severely.
- Scully … Is it Diana? I thought we were through with that discussion.
She’s a friend. I trust her. It’s may not be something you can empathize
with -
It was easy to push his hands away from me when he had held on so tight a
few moments ago.
Flippantly
Lightly.
Casually.
- I don’t care about your relationship with Diana Fowley.
It was true; I care little for what he does with his personal life as long
as he doesn’t kill himself in the process. It pales to what is important
now. Diana Fowley is a traitor. I know that in my heart even though he
refuses to believe. Whether he’s fucking her in his spare time is not of my
concern anymore.
- Go home Mulder.
- You’ve always been truthful to me Scully. Don’t walk away now.
- We always walk away Mulder. Our work is our lives and anything beyond
that is fringe benefit. I’ve been angry at you before – you’ve never cared
and we sweep it under the carpet and get back to what it is we do best.
Work. Leave it there in the office and don’t come knocking at my door
demanding for rights that don’t belong to you.
- And what rights am I demanding?
- The prerogative to know how I feel - about you, about Diana, about
anything Mulder. Nothing validates that right for you to have anything to
do with me except the paycheck in your mail, your employment in the FBI and
that you are my partner.
- Calm down Scully.
I take a breath. And another.
Enough for an eternity of silence between us.
- Leave Mulder. I will see you tomorrow morning in the office.
He looks at me with uncanny sadness until the clouds pass over the moon
above us and we’re shrouded in darkness again. I thought I saw hurt, as
though he would never forgive me for shutting him out. I thought I might
have seen pity for a woman like me who goes insane once in a full moon but
won’t allow any comfort.
He nods. He passes me and brushes my shoulder. Even though I didn’t turn to
watch him go, I know he doesn’t look back one more time before he gets into
his car and leaves.
We go on from tomorrow pretending not to be strangers. Nothing will be the
same. Everything changes. Everything dies.
FINIS