Rosenfield Witticisms
katben...@yahoo.com
summer. The spacing will show up strange because I pasted them out of a
hastily-formatted Word document. Please note they are not 100% accurate
in that I've also used a few from scripts that were not ultimately
followed.
I wish to thank everyone here for giving me a vital heads-up, even
though we're just all strangers. I've made sizable improvements to my
life in the short time I've lingered in this discussion group. I like
to think that is the highest use of the rare specimens we have of
"intelligent television," and I think I might have been miserable by
now because of missed opportunities if I didn't learn to pull out of
that bad (career) situation and place myself in a series of steps
toward a much better and more productive one.
I offer a special thanks to the grumpiest Nancy-boys who have been
staying in this particular chickenhouse. I don't make a normal practice
out of changing other people's negativity into confidence and hard cash
purely for myself (I've always prefered to offer back as much as I can
to the negative person who is leaking libido, or whatever you like to
call it, as I can, just so long as that person does so consciously and
willingly), but I am not lying when I tell you that I've deposited
enough money in the bank and regained enough self-esteem in my soul to
cover me very comfortably for six months as I move to risk even more
life-improving decisions. That is 100% by keeping quiet and acting
quickly upon opportunities in response to various hateful comments that
various people have posted here. Some people would call it magic I
guess, but I don't have any working knowledge of magic that I know of,
only an Anthropology 101 knowledge of basic terms and concepts. I
didn't want to be a snot and I didn't want to jinx myself until the
checks cleared, but I suppose I've been quite naive about the general
quality of some people who like the fan groups. That is to say to each
his own, but I *really* dislike the attitude that many of you have
adopted - it causes me to question the prospect of having children if
people who think like some of you do exist in such numbers.) I consider
myself conditionally graduated to the point that I don't need to
involve myself with the kind of infantile denial and unconscious
(there's no other way to put it) rudeness I've seen. That is insanity,
denying the reality of something better just because you don't own and
control it. I've ALWAYS had little tolerance for people who intensely
desire that something not exist just because they're jealous and won't
admit it, and who are oblivious to the fact that they hurt the people
around them in addition to themselves until it's too late to recover
the truth of it. I guess that's a big part of why I frown upon people
who are tempted to make Star Trek the Next Generation into an
inappropriate substitute religion. STTNG hasn't taught anyone how to
THINK; rather it's served to flatter people, and now we have stalkers
and people with the intelligence of barnyard animals walking around
with a terrible attitude. It's based on so much blindness that poses as
vision by virtue of blocking visions of what is better. I won't and do
not need to abide by that. So Good Luck, God knows that it won't be
your own knowledge that ends up helping you!
Another example of how spoiled, ignorant, and domineering humanity has
become. A while ago I ran into a particularly nauseating piece of
slash-fan-lit involving Agents Cooper and Rosenfield in some pretty
kinky situations, and I wasn't shocked so much as hurt and disgusted
that fans feel entitled to misdirect their limited creativity in such a
way. Not that Lynch needs to be defended. I think he's pretty much in a
position to laugh it off. I read that piece long before I knew what
slash-fan-lit was, and I didn't have anyway of knowing that work like
that is stupid and offensive by definition, and that there's already a
lot of it. It makes better sense now. Agent Rosenfield was only a guest
star in Twin Peaks, but he's distinctly heterosexual despite the
series' not having explicitly addressed it. He's the type of man who
needs - and genuinely *deserves* - a wife and a stream of mistresses.
He's like the positive expression of the Alpha Male that nobody seems
to remember how to understand or respect anymore. Like, I can mention
"Alpha Male" and elicit all sorts of prejudices instead of recognition.
Because Albert appears to lack that connectedness with any kind of
collective sanity, his sexuality comes out in outspoken comments that
are partially justified and partially a result of the physical
displacement. That's to distinguish the fictional character from some
of the unpleasant (and not that much more real) people in this group!
The epithet Nancy-boy indicates what I've sensed in this strange
discussion group in distinction to that dramatic character. I've worked
to heal people who are much worse off than anyone on here, and to
experience the spoiledness here that I have empathically experienced,
well, it felt the same way as reading that piece of slash-fan-fic: it
was sexually repulsive, and not sexually repulsive in the way that a
Down's syndrome person is but in precisely the opposite way; it was
repulsive in its pretensions. Albert's character is cohesive enough to
pull off such judgments. I'm guessing that mine is at least headed in
that direction, and if you want to disagree you certainly can because
I'm not into cybersex! Too bad women both in the series and in the
world the series drove the creation of would rather pretend to think
and attack those who've done the work of learning to think (a la
interchange between the Christ and Simon concerning the Magdalene in
the Gospel of Thomas) out of murderous jealousy instead of deferring or
actually doing something real and genuine to make the world a better
place themselves. I don't totally buy that Agent Cooper sacrificed his
soul for 100% altruistic reasons, as has been argued elsewhere. He was
a great character but not a perfect one, and I noticed that especially
when Sheriff Truman was going through Josie-withdrawal. I have no idea
what thematic statements, if any, run through Lynch's head, but it's
clear to me he was raised Protestant and took a liking to both some
elements of Buddhism and much older forms of art than filmmaking. Part
of his charm is that so much of his consciousness is in creating the
details and nuances so that he doesn't need to involve himself in such
dreck as what they mean. So far as he's concerned, what he does is what
has meaning, and that is a wonderful thing to aim for if you know how.
My deal is that I've known how, but my original motivation has been
taken away. My next decision will involve which generation or
generations to direct my love to, since my own is not really worth
believing in I've decided. What a tragic thing to be confronted with
such a decision, and it was very difficult! Anyway, if any of you have
a use for these collected snippets then please use them. I'm off to
Stanford tomorrow. That's not to say you aren't free to flame the
flame. It's simply to say I've better things to do and care about! Will
go back to using an ordinary toilet bowl once the company improves.
It's so funny to see how evil fights evil because it knows NEITHER
itself NOR its enemies. (Usually good to have a positive starting
point.)
Will not bother to edit, truncate, or sweeten it. If you don't like it,
protect yourself better and try to get real. Some of you are literally
leaking thousands of dollars. This right here is all the heads-up I'm
willing to return. If you don't like it then do your own years of
therapy and dedication to others, your choice.
Ciao, Kat
The Collected Wisdom of Albert Rosenfield
fictional pathologist extraordinaire
(1989-1992)
Cooper: It's an "R." Diane, give this to Albert and his team.
Don't go to Sam. Albert seems to have a little more on the ball.
<To Sheriff Truman> We need to bag and tag this.
Cooper: Harry, Albert and his team are the cream of the crop.
Albert's a forensics genius.
Truman: Working for you, I wouldn't expect anything less.
Cooper: <Putting his opposite arm behind Truman's back> But I gotta
warn 'ya, Albert's lacking in some of the social niceties.
Truman: <Looking behind himself the wrong way> Nobody's perfect.
Cooper: <Tweaking Truman's nose and making a QUACK noise> Isn't
that the truth! <They both laugh.>
Albert: Tell Agent Cooper that Albert and his team are here.
Lucy: Albert?
Albert: A-L-B-E-R-T. Are we going to have to stand here all afternoon?
Lucy: No-
Albert: -Albert Rosenfield-
Lucy: <Over intercom> Sheriff, this is Lucy-
Albert: -R-O-S-E-N-F-I-E-L-D.
Lucy: <Over intercom> Is Agent Cooper there with you?
Truman: <Over intercom> Yes, he is.
Cooper: <Over intercom> Are Albert and his team here, Lucy?
Lucy: <Over intercom> Yes, he is ... they are.
Cooper: <Over intercom> We're on our way.
Lucy: <To Albert> Agent Cooper will be right with you.
Albert: Yeah, I can hear perfectly well, Curly.
An observation.... I don't know where this is headed, but the only
one of us with the coordinates for this destination in his hardware is
you. Go on whatever vision-quest you have to. Stand on the rim of a
volcano. Stand alone and do your dance. Just find this beast before
he takes another bite. <Turning to Truman> And perhaps you could
follow behind him with a bug light attached to a pith helmet. -Albert
to Cooper on the brink of finding Killer BOB
Yes, it's a great big psychedelic circus ride, isn't it, Cooper?
Albert: What the hell kind of two-bit operation are they running out of
this tree house, Cooper?-
Cooper: -Albert, this is Sheriff Truman-
Albert: -I have seen some slipshod backwater burgs, but this place
takes the cake.
Albert: Same bullets, same gun, same killer. Let's go get her.
<Cooper holds his hands up to stop Albert.>
Cooper: Albert, hold your horses.
Albert: Coop, I appreciate any reluctance you might have for busting
your pal's old lady, but the woman ventilated you and left you for
dead.
Cooper: Albert, I don't take it personally. What about the gloves,
the powder tests?
Albert: News at five. All right, fine, you're not mad but there's
an epidemic of multiple gunshot wounds following this chick around.
She is a menace.
Cooper: I'll talk to her. Maybe she'll confess, turn herself in.
Albert: Maybe she'll grow wings and join the circus.
Cooper: Fellas. Let's stand together for a moment. It's time I
mentioned something to you. I'm not sure, but I believe I was
visited by a giant. In my room. Twice. He gave me three clues. The
first had to do with Jacques in his body bag and came true almost
immediately. The second was, "The owls are not what they seem,"
and the third was about a man who points without chemicals.
Truman: You were visited by a giant?
Albert: Any relation to the dwarf?
Page 2
Cooper: Bobby Briggs. What's he doing here?
Truman: Doesn't look sick.
Albert: Sheriff Truman, to see this kind of investigative genius at
work is just a real treat. for me. <Yelling after Bobby> Get a life,
punk!
Gordon Cole: <Very loudly> I BELIEVE IN SECRECY, COOP! I'LL MAKE
THIS FAST! I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS IN FRONT OF THE MEN! IT'S
ALBERT'S OPINION YOU MIGHT BE GETTING IN OVER YOUR HEAD AGAIN! THAT
WORRIES ME, COOPER! I FEEL A CERTAIN RESPONSIBILITY-
Cooper: -Gordon, Albert's wrong-
Cole: -YOU WENT INTO THE CHUTE IN PITTSBURGH, COOP! I WANT TO MAKE
DOUBLE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN. COPY?
Cooper: Pittsburgh was a completely different story. <Pause. Raises
his voice> I WAS WOUNDED IN PITTSBURGH BUT OTHER THAN THAT THE CASE
BEARS NO SIMILARITIES!
Cole: I MUST SAY YOU LOOK ALL RIGHT! CIRCLES UNDER YOUR EYES, YOU
COULD CATCH UP ON YOUR SLEEP, BUT THAT PRETTY MUCH COMES WITH THE
TERRITORY-
Cooper: -GORDON, I AM TIRED! THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF WORK TO DO,
BUT MIND, BODY AND SPIRIT ARE UP TO THE TASK! WITHOUT A DOUBT,
EVERYTHING IS A-OKAY! <Cole and Cooper give each other a thumbs-up.>
Truman: <Knocking and entering room> Coop, just thought you ought to
know we can hear everything you're saying out there.
Cooper: Thanks, Harry.
Truman: So what did the Giant sound like? Kind of a big booming voice?
Cooper: No, he spoke very softly, directly and distinctly.
Albert: And you gave him the beans you were supposed to use to buy a
cow.
Cooper: <Grinning and holding up his hand> No, I gave him my ring.
Albert: <Deadpanning and opening his briefcase> Confining my
conclusions to the planet Earth <placing three small packets on the
table>, the cocaine you found in James Hurley's gas tank was a match
to what we found in Jacques' car and at Leo Johnson's house. Get
the picture?
Cooper: I've even got the frame.
Albert: The handiwork of Leo Johnson, currently appearing at Calhoun
Memorial Hospital as Mr. Potato Head. <Retrieves a copy of Fleshworld
magazine from his briefcase.> The boots are a CircleBrand rare work
boot. The ones we found haven't been worn or tampered with. The
letter "B" from Ronette's finger was cut from a copy of
Fleshworld. A perfect match. This edition features a swingers club
for double amputees. No comment.
Sounds like you've been snacking on some of the local mushrooms.
I think it's going terrifically well, don't you?
Maybe that's all BOB is. The evil that men do. Maybe it doesn't
matter what we call it.
Maybe she heard a Sousa march and was looking for her baton. I'll do
a workup on the I.V.
Cooper: Good work, Andy. <Andy smiles brightly and Albert looks at
Andy.>
Albert: Yeah. Woof.
Truman: <Privately> Albert, got a minute? I hear you're real good at
what you do.
Albert: Yeah, that's correct.
Truman: Well, that's good, because normally if a stranger walked into
my station talking this kind of crap, he'd be looking for his teeth
two blocks up on Queer Street.
Page 3
Cooper: <Handing Albert a folder> Results from the local
pathologist's report.
Albert: Welcome to Amateur Hour. Looks like an all-nighter, boys.
Cole: ITEM: A VICUNA COAT! FIBERS ALBERT FOUND IN THE HALL OUTSIDE
COOPER'S ROOM ARE FROM A VICUNA COAT!
Truman: The coat was vicuna?
Cole: SOUNDS REAL GOOD, SHERIFF, BUT I ALREADY ATE! GOT THE LAB REPORT
FROM ALBERT ON THE ONE-ARMER'S SYRINGE! SAYS HE'S NEVER SEEN A
DRUG LIKE IT! A COMBO, REALLY WEIRD STUFF.... THERE'S THE ONE-ARMER
NOW!!!
Mike: Since when is selling shoes against the law?
Truman: We need to ask you a few questions, Mr. Gerard. Why don't we
all move to my office?
Albert: Let me put it to you this way, Coop. Either Josie Packard
pulled the trigger or she's loaning her winter wear to the wrong kind
of people. A perfect match.... Coop, as you know, Truman and I have
had our differences in the past, but the big lug's got his heart in
the right place if nothing else. And I'm not above feeling a little
sympathy for the stalwart and the dull.
Cooper: What's your point?
Albert: Speaking frankly, our Sheriff's got a serious problem with
his girlfriend.
Andy: Harry! Do you know who it is? Harry!! <Off screen and muffled>
Harry! Harry, do you know who it is?
Cooper: What's that?
Hawk: It's Andy. He seems pretty upset about something.
Andy: Harry, it's Agent Rosenflower! <As Andy is running to the
house he steps on a plank and hits his head with it, almost knocking
himself unconscious.>
Albert: And it's another great moment in law enforcement history.
Cole: Quickly, men. Word association. Coop, what are you thinking
about right now?
Cooper: Teresa Banks.
Cole: Albert?
Albert: Tylenol ™.
Cole: <To Cooper> Why are you thinking about Teresa Banks, Coop?
Cooper: It was a year ago today that Teresa Banks was killed. I'm
wondering if the murderer will ever kill again.
Cole: Albert, why Tylenol™?
Albert: No offense, sir, but after a day with you it is mandatory.
Albert: <Examining Cooper's wounded ribs> Does that hurt?
Cooper: Yes. Albert, the point is you're not going to win any local
popularity contests.
Albert: No. The point is that Gordon Cole ordered me back here.
Albert: Meanwhile, one of your principal suspects is killed in his
hospital bed and the other is shot in his living room. You tell me:
vigilante justice or just clean country living?
Cooper: Albert, where does this attitude of general unpleasantness come
from?
Albert: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Cooper: Well, if you don't want two black eyes on a regular basis, I
suggest you make some kind of peace with rural life.
Albert: Great. After the square dance maybe we can all take a hayride.
Suffered some bumps on the old noggin', eh, Phil?
Cooper: What else?
Albert: Windom Earle.
Cooper: Agent Earle? He's retired.
Albert: Yeah, to a nice comfy chair complete with wrist restraints at
the local laughing academy.
Cooper: What happened?
Albert: Nobody knows. Your former partner flew the coop, Coop. He
escaped, vanished into thin air.
Cooper: That's not good.
Page 4
Albert: Distinctive wounds on Laura's shoulders and neck. Appear to
be claw marks, bites of some kind.
Truman: An animal?
Albert: Look. It's trying to think. <Cooper silences Albert with a
stern look. Albert produces plastic envelope.> A small plastic
fragment from her stomach, partially dissolved by digestive acids.
I'm taking it with me back to the lab for reconstruction, as the
local facilities give new meaning to the word "primitive." <He
closes the file.> Those are the highlights. I'm not entirely
displeased, but a couple more days with the body and who knows what I
might have come up with-
Cooper: Good work, Albert.
Cooper: Buddhist tradition first came to the Land of Snow in the fifth
Century A.D. The first Tibetan king to be touched by the Dharma was
King Hathatha Rignamputsun. He and succeeding kings were collectively
known as the Happy Generations.
Albert: I am thrilled to pieces that the Dharma came to King Ho-Ho-Ho,
I really am, but right now I'm trying hard to focus on the more
immediate problems of our own century right here in Twin Peaks.
Cooper: Albert, you'd be surprised at the connections between the
two.
Albert: Color me amazed.
What are you waiting for, Christmas? We have got work to do, damn it.
They're putting this girl in the ground tomorrow and we've wasted
half the day traveling out here to the middle of nowhere.
Where do they keep his water dish?
I know, Andy, I know. It's what we call a three-hanky crime.
Will Hayward: You're the most cold-blooded man I've ever seen.
I've never in my life met a man with so little regard for human
frailty. Have you no compassion?
Albert: Oh, I've got compassion running out of my nose, pal. I'm
the Sultan of Sentiment. Dr. Hayward, I have traveled thousands of
miles and apparently several centuries to this forgotten sinkhole in
order to perform a series of tests. I do not ask you to understand
these tests. I'm not a cruel man. <Waving surgical instrument in
Hayward's face> I just ask you to get the hell out of my way so that
I can finish my work! Is that clear?
Hayward: We're here to conduct Laura Palmer's body to the cemetery.
If you think that for one minute we're going to leave here without
her, you're out of your mind! <He grabs Albert's jacket. A
scuffle ensues.>
Benjamin Horne: All right, all right, all right. All right! Mr.
Rosenfield, please. <Removing his glasses> Now, Leland Palmer
couldn't be with us today but I know I speak for everyone, the Palmer
family included, when I say that we appreciate and understand the value
of your work. But as their representative, I must insist that we
consider the feelings of the Palmer family as well. <Puts his glasses
back on.>
Albert: Mr. Horne, I realize that your position in this fair community
pretty well guarantees venality and sincerity and a rather irritating
method of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however <jabbing surgical
instrument at Horne's arm like a gun> is not necessarily an inherent
trait. Therefore, please listen closely. You can have a funeral any
old time. You dig a hole, you plant a coffin. I, however, cannot
perform these tests next year <slamming down instrument>, next month,
next week or tomorrow. I must perform them now. <Putting goggles over
eyes, he grabs a high-speed pneumatic drill and triggers it to test it,
VEEP, VEEP! Speaking over the drill noise,> I'VE GOT A LOT OF
CUTTING AND PASTING TO DO, GENTLEMEN, SO PLEASE WHY DON'T YOU RETURN
TO YOUR PORCH ROCKERS AND RESUME WHITTLING! <He applies the drill to
Laura's forehead, VEEEEEEP....>
Hayward: That does it. <Removing pneumatic supply cable out of
machinery> I'm taking charge of the body and you don't touch Laura
from this moment on!
Albert: The hell you- <Albert removes goggles and another scuffle
ensues. Truman and Cooper arrive..>
Cooper: Gentlemen!
Truman: What's going on?
Hayward: Thank God.
Albert: Cooper, this old fool is obstructing a criminal investigation.
Cuff him.
Hayward: He won't release Laura's body for the funeral. He's not
human!
Truman: What's the holdup?
Page 5
[Continued]
Biloxi, Houston, Oklahoma City, Salina, Lincoln, Chicago. Earle's been
sending gift-wrapped packages to police departments and offices of
major law enforcement agencies. Each look like mail bombs, but turn out
to be harmless. Deliveries are paid for with phony credit cards signed
"Windom Earle." Cole's doing the follow-up on this. He should run up
here after that. One article of clothing in each. <He shows the
photos.> A white net veil, a garter, a pair of white slippers, a string
of pearls, and, finally, a wedding dress.
Cooper: Caroline ...
Albert: He's got the DEA, FBI, Treasury, Postal Service and the
Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Illinois state patrols looking for him. All
are invited to the party, but my guess is he won't dance with anyone
but you, Coop. <Cooper is unnerved. Albert retrieves more work from his
case.> The vagrant in the office died from a knife wound severing the
aorta. He'd been dead for two days.
Truman: But his finger was pointing to the chess board. How did he
manage that with the rigor mortis?
Albert: Rigor mortis goes from head to toe, but after two days leaves
the body toe to head. Earle waited for it to leave the arms and fingers
so that he could maneuver them on the chess board. <Moving on,> And
then he played Zeus at the power station.
Cooper: How do you know?
Albert: He left us this map. Taped under a table. <Cooper moves away
from the map and stares out the window. Albert, looking worried for his
friend, approaches him in confidence.>
Albert: <Picking up a piece off the chess game,> He's making his move,
most definitely. <Trying to cheer Cooper up,>
About the uniform, Coop. Replacing the elegance of the dark suit and
tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones is a form
of fashion suicide, but, uh, call me crazy - on you, it works.
<Albert leavest. Truman studies the frightened Cooper.>
All material quoted from scripts and transcripts of Twin Peaks and Twin
Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.
~finis~
Page 7
Smpack
katben...@yahoo.com wrote:
> I wish to thank everyone here for giving me a vital heads-up, even
> though we're just all strangers. I've made sizable improvements to my
> life in the short time I've lingered in this discussion group. I like
> to think that is the highest use of the rare specimens we have of
> "intelligent television," and I think I might have been miserable by
> now because of missed opportunities if I didn't learn to pull out of
> that bad (career) situation and place myself in a series of steps
> toward a much better and more productive one.
I understand you're on the defensive right now, and I don't blame
you. I hope you're not talking about me at all. Certainly I have a
right to answer you if you're implying I'm a loser and everyone else
here is. I'm glad you're going to Stanford. But aren't you pulling
rank needlessly? I'm done with school for now. I went to the
University Of Washington and graduated with Honors. I'll go to Law
School when I feel I'm ready. Otherwise I would have gone before.
Whether or not I'm keeping-up with you isn't your concern.
In fact, it's foolish to rush into such a large amount of debt
without making sure all one's affairs are in order. I'm sure you've
never experienced depression. I'm sure you've never surmounted the
obstacles I've had to surmount. Frankly, if anyone were to pull rank
here, if you truly understood, it would be me. But I'm not here to
show how smart I am, I'm here to chat and post the occasional
intelligent message. I'm sorry others were mean to you (they've been
mean to me too, you know). But you're acting the same way. If you
spent more time on the newsgroups you'd get de-sensitized to it.
Sara
damnfine
words, please.
--
damnfine
daniel cairns
Daniel Cairns
<katben...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1131140539.9...@g43g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Ciao, Kat
fictional pathologist extraordinaire
(1989-1992)
Page 2
Albert: Tylenol T.
Cole: <To Cooper> Why are you thinking about Teresa Banks, Coop?
Cooper: It was a year ago today that Teresa Banks was killed. I'm
wondering if the murderer will ever kill again.
Cole: Albert, why TylenolT?
Ries
har har
--
A Coral Room