New S:aab Catalog!
El Sparko Diablo
Here is the new catalog! I'd say more, but am very tired now and am going
to nap.
Enjoy!
The Complete and Unabridged (un)Official Space: Above and Beyond Holiday
Gift Catalog,
Volume 2 with updates
Plush and Cuddly Stuffed 58th Squadron Dolls, oops I mean Action Figures!
Vanson comes with *AI BESERKER KILLING RAGE*(patented) and reversible
Nomex Flight suit/ Bikini!
Hawks comes with miniature Boom Box and cd's, just right for annoying
those new recruits. He also has the (patented) OFFICIAL 2063 Marine Haircut
Kit. Neck Nipple Piercing optional.
Damphousse comes with (patented)Action Jaw Popping and Official Cal
Tech Diploma (suitable for framing)
West comes with expandable cheeks with built in "Chipmunk Action"
perfect for hiding things in; as well as the Patented AWOL Action features.
Wang comes with his own Bears shirt with (patented)Smell-o-Rama
Surround Smell and his own *Disposable Spacenet Girlfriend*! Pull his string
and find out what he says next!
TC McQueen comes with 20% of his body burned and book of meaningful
things to think about when going off to die! Hours of Inspiring enjoyment!
Also, Don't FORGET these new Space: Above and Beyond Accessories!
West Action AWOL set! Have hours of fun sending West across the
galaxy to
find his girlfriend! Watch as he destroys his Hammerhead (not included)!
Laugh as he cleans the USS Saratoga (not included) recycler system for
punishment!
Lt. Col. Mcqueen Plumber Kit! Includes Washers, Screwdrivers and
even a
Plunger! Yes now you too can find out why he is grounded! And remember, it's
Okay to be scared of the clogged toilet!
Kylen Celina Clone Bake Set! (Light Bulb not included) Includes
Molds for
making Kylen and 7 other Tellus Colony survivors! Watch the Dissolve Action
(patented) when you shoot your clone sicken your friends and family! No messy
bodies to dispose off, just mop and go!
Artificial Intelligence Erector set! Build your own AI, perfect for
dozens of
uses! Includes Windows 95 and Take a Chance software!
M-590 with optical scanner! Just what Dad wanted! Perfect for
hunting, now
you too can take out those pesky Chig Neighbors or AI snipers that always seem
to be around at the wrong times! Also works on Bill Collectors, Jehovah's
Witnesses or fellow Postal Workers! NRA Approved!
Aerotech Play set! Includes Sewell ID KIT and Official Joint Chiefs
or Staff
papers so that you too can take over a carrier at your whim! Enjoy hours of
entertainment as you send colonists to their death! Bribe Politicians, steal
military data, and be secretive just like real Defense Contractors!
My First Buzz Beam Mine! A perfect starter kit for little Johnny,
this helps
get rid of those annoying neighborhood pests (stray pets, salesmen, occupying
Marines) Can be attached to the Optional Fear Strobe Light Kit for a real
Halloween Scare! Uses 4 D-cell Batteries (not included).
Home In Vitro Lab! Another wonderful toy to help introduce your
children to
science, this can help you too! Includes gestation tank, Genetic Sequencer
and Fashion Neck Nipple Piercer (Genetic Material sold separately) Make your
life easier with an In Vitro around to do all of your chores/ unmentionables
(emptying the litter box, taking out the garbage, mining plutonium)! No
worries about In Vitro Rights or slave labor laws. Also is good for that
Jurassic Park Garden that you always wanted!
SA-43 Hammerhead! Never be late for work again in your own Indo-Exo
Atmospheric Fighter! Really show that guy that cut you off on the freeway the
other day! Perfect for cruising around the galaxy, looking for your
girlfriend! Cockpit detaches for when you have those little accidents! Not
responsible for explosive decompression, separate cockpit bay not included!
USS Saratoga Adventure set! Now you too can travel about the Galaxy
with more
firepower than most countries! Launch Hammerheads (not included) at your
enemies! Drop the Saratoga and watch Damage Control Teams (included) scurry!
Watch military contractors try to take over your ship and crew! Bunk Male and
Female Personnel in the same room and watch what happens! Optional Space Skis
and Sundeck not included!
Home Loyalty Test! Question everyone you know! Reprogram the
people that you
don't trust! Turn you little brother into a trained assassin! Great for
making your employees sweat!
SpaceNet Account! Yes the InterNet survived to 2063 and now you too
can join
what everyone has been raving about! Download pictures of Naked Chigs! Flame
your Squadron Commander! Hack into the Saratoga PA system and play cool
music! Have a romance, and still be able to score when that cute Military
Intelligence LT hits in you!
My First Colony Kit! 100% Guaranteed not to be exterminated by
angry aliens!
We Promise! No Kidding! Watch what happens when you switch who goes and who
stays! Adjustable clock for those planets that have more than 24 hour days!
Great tax write off!
Chance or Choice, the Home Game! Now you get to choose who dies and
who does
the dishes!
Red Stink Creature Cologne for that special Chig in your life!
And of course, Purina Chig Chow (a big tip of the hat to whoever
invented
this)! Guaranteed to make your Chig's coat shiny. Helps build strong teeth
and exoskeleton! They won't be able to tell it's not a Tellus Colonist!
Helps eliminate that embarrassing melting condition that is so annoying when
company arrives!
ISSCV! Like a winnebago, only better, now you and the whole family can
cruise about the galaxy taking in all of the sites! Wonderful mileage and
if you order now, we will even throw in, for no additional cost, child
safety seats! (meets 2069 standards!)
His Boy Elroy Videos! See everyone's favorite AI in some of his best
scenes! Featured in this tape are: Torturing the Human! Brainwash the
Prisoner! and Let's Make a Confession! Hours of nonstop laughs from the
Silicate Comedian!
Vanson-Damphousse Combat Arena! Now you and the kids can have all of the
fun of domestic abuse, and still call it productive! Includes electrified
barriers, small, confining cell and your own Chig to watch it all! Runs on
5 D-Cell batteries (not included) Purina Chig Chow not included. Not
responsible for accidental fatalities.
Box-O-Red-Stuff! Straight from Pulp Fiction to S:AAB to your home, now you
too can find out what all the excitement is about! Who will be the first to
solve this puzzle?
NEW ADDITIONS TO THE CATALOG!
Chig Berries! From the makers of Purina Chig Chow, Diablo Labs is Proud to
present the new Breakfast Sensation, Chig Berries Cereal! Chig Berries stay
crunchy in milk and will be sure to keep those kids bright eyed and bushy
tailed! They are also vitamin fortified and contain the mineral Chigium-X,
which has NOT yet be found to produce harmful side effects in humans, but
has caused cancer in igneous rocks. Rush out and but your ChigBerries today!
Home ECT Kit! Having those painful memories about something that you would
rather forget? Well now you can get rid of them with the Home ECT Kit!
That's right, you too can feel Peace and Contentment after running 50,000
volts through electrodes attached to your head! Be able to forget about
whatever has been bothering you, whether is was leaving your squadron behind
on a hostile planet, forgetting the kids at the mall, or that big promotion
that you didn't get! Blue Goo must be purchased separately and requires
additional shipping and handling costs. Kids try this one on your parents
when they are asleep for even bigger laughs!
Motion Sensor Claymore Mines! Have those pesky varmints in your
neighborhood outsmarted your My First-Buzz-Beam-Mine-Kits? Well look no
further than here at Diablo Labs for a timely improvement! So what if those
troublesome creatures don't want to step on your carefully placed mines.
Like the name says, all they have to do is move within the arc of the mines
sensors, and once they are in the kill zone, BOOM! Mine trigger is
adjustable from cocker spaniel and cats to Mack Trucks and larger! Perfect
for those times that you go on vacation and don't want to pay for a
house-sitter! Not for use in high traffic areas, unless you really want to.
Person DNA testing Kit! Has your entire squadron been killed (again)? Not
sure which boot belongs with which body? Well that's okay if you have the
DNA Testing Kit! Now you can feel free to send whoever you choose out to
die in mass quantities and not have to worry about proper Identification of
the remains! Perfect for those times when your troops want to play a joke
on you and switch uniforms! No more sending those coffins into space with
the wrong name on them, and then having to chase them down and correct it!
Buy yours today!
Space: Above and Beyond Action Dog Tag! Created as a companion to the
Personal DNA Testing Kit above, this can be used as an emergency substitute.
Has a picture of your faces engraved upon its genuine 24 kt gold plated
surface, as well as six lines of personalized information. Not responsible
if your face is sheared off in an accident, causing misidentification.
The Feliciti Fun Pack! Oh Yes! It has Finally arrived! When we test
marketed this product in certain locations, it sold out so quickly that our
sales staff (when they returned from the ER) said that we would have to our
Factories to make enough! And boy were they right! Your Favorite Silicate
now comes with her own excess-ories so that you and the whole family can
enjoy! Includes the Bisquick, Crisco, Wesson Oil, and Blue Goo Action
Series of products so that you can experiment on you own! Also includes
Several costume changes for your Feliciti AI. Leather Feliciti, French Maid
Feliciti and Nurse Feliciti costumes not included. Video Equipment must be
purchased separately. One pair of Feliciti Handcuffs included, but
additional restraints must be purchased separately. Be sure to be the first
one on your block to get one! Be the envy of your Neighbors! Make them
wonder just what all the noise is!
Space: Above and Beyond Pops! Created by one of our resident scientists,
Crazy Cat Suzanne, this wonderful snack product comes in three wild flavors:
Chig Chow, Spooge and Kylen on a Stick! The dessert sensation that is
sweeping the nation! Just bite into one and you will feel the release that
is embodied in every Diablo Labs Product!
Chig Choke 24 Hour Cold Tabs! Created by Shadowdancer in out
Medical/Bioweapons division, Chig Choke Tabs are good for whatever may ail
you! Sore throat? Take one of our Soothing Relief Tabs! Splitting
Headache? We have several varieties to suit your needs! Also comes in
Extended release and Children's versions!
Sex Ed 101 Kit! The perfect companion kit to give with your McQueen Action
Figure, invented by none other than the Crazy Cat herself! This kit is best
described by Guest Instructor McQueen: "Listen up! This is Sex Ed 101. We
will be covering the basics in the first half. Then we will get into nitty
gritty details with books, slides, techniques and tools. It's going to be a
real knife fight! Later we will have a hands on exercise. So cover your 6!
We don't want any mistakes not to mention misplaced materials. Get your kits
and remember it's okay to be scared! This *IS* Sex Ed 101!" Perfect for anyone!
Diablo Labs Line of Skin Care Products! Have problems with your appearance?
Let Diablo Labs help you! We have ways of turning even the Greenest Chig
into a Human Lookalike! Wait till your significant other sees you! Change
your appearance to whatever, or whoever, you want! After your Conversion,
Diablo Labs is not responsible for dissolution upon injury, or aversion to
human blood.
Lt. Col. T.C.McQueen Screen Saver! Tigger in our Hard/SoftWarez division
came up with this one, but she wont tell us where she found the nude
pictures! 17 million Enhanced pictures of everyone's favorite InVitro
Marine Colonel from every side, angle and position! Even includes the
rarely seen McQueen Grin (TM) that is sure to set your heart a flutter!
Ladies, get one today and you may find yourself NOT working so that you may
enjoy the beauty of the only other Diablo Labs Product to match the sales of
the Feliciti Fun Pack. Window 95 capable and available on 5.25, 3.5, or
CD-ROM to meet YOUR HARDware needs!
And Last but not least we have:
Space AAA membership! Have you ever been lost in space? Chances are that
you haven't if you are reading this catalog, but do you really want to take
the chance? Apply now and receive the same benefits of our other members
throughout the cosmos! Lose engine power? Relax and we will send a comet
to tow you back to occupied space. Get locked outside of your ISSCV again?
We will send someone to let you in right away! And our 24 hour Space
emergency lines are always open! Join up today!
El Sparko Diablo
sparky@ iglou.com
}:| (El Sparko Diablo reminds you that censorship is Unamerican (No offense
to the other nationalities); If the monkey is bad, SPANK IT!- The Daily
Wisdom of Interpreting the Emoticons of El Sparko Diablo)
"You can run, but you'll only Die Tired"
Don't forget to place your Order in the (un)Official Space:Above and Beyond
Gift Catalog! Spacenet Orders Welcome! Operators are standing by now!
DIABLO LABS ----->Pushing the Envelope for you!
--
mailto:list...@server.microserve.net http://www.microserve.net
Hank Lee
> Vanson comes with *AI BESERKER KILLING RAGE*(patented) and reversible
>Nomex Flight suit/ Bikini!
Oooh, baby! ;)
>The Feliciti Fun Pack! Oh Yes! It has Finally arrived! When we test
Say, do we have'ta read the instructions before we begin?
--
Hank Lee <rais...@sfsu.edu>
http://www.geopages.com/Paris/2371
IRC: Undernet #SPACE (known as the sheep)