(fanfic) "A Work Of Fart"
Kyle Broslofski
it! :)
*Idea By Dave!* (Thank you, thank you, thank you! You totally kick
ass! Here's some cookies)
Written By Kyle Broslofski
<insert legal stuff here>
****************************************************************************************
[Museum--Mr Garrison and his class are standing in the lobby]
Stan: Dude! Why do we always go on such gay field trips?
Planetariums, museums, etc.
What the hell is this called?
Cartman: Yeah! Museums suck!
Kyle: Actually, dude, this might actually be kind of cool!
Sheila: Oy, spatzel! Are you out of your mind?
Kyle: No, dude! Didn't you hear about the feature exhibit?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Dude! You didn't?!? They have a priceless Terrance and Phillip
painting on display here this week! This thing is, like, so totally
valuable! Plus it's Terrance and Phillip, so it'll kick ass! The
painting is called "Fart".
Cartman: [wiping away tears] That...that's so inspirational. Sheer
genius! That name just totally reveals the meaning of life, our
purposes, dreams, goals, ambitions! It...it's so beautiful!
Mr. Garrison: All right, you little turds, go and look around now.
But, don't you dare try anything here. Mr. Hat can tell you the
consequences of misbehaving in a museum.
Mr. Hat: Causing trouble in museums turns you into a transvestite,
right Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat! Now, shut up and get the hell
away from me, you stupid kids.
Stan: Dude! Let's go find the painting!
Cartman: Yeah! Kick ass!
[In front of the special display]
[The painting is shown. It's a picture of Terrance and Phillip, you
guessed it, farting at each other]
Kyle: [laughing] Cool!
Cartman: Yeah! I wish I could have that painting!
[Pip enters]
Pip: G'day gentlemen! And, g'day, fair Sheila! You are looking quite
lovely today!
Cartman: AY! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!
[Pip, scared, backs away, and bumps into a little sculpture that's on a
shelf. The sculpture lands on Sheila's head]
Sheila: [with little pinwheels circling her head] OWW!!!
Eeeeeehahahahaha!!!! [sings] Pinwheel, pinwheel twirling around!
They're everywhere! Kyle's got a pinwheel growing out of his head!
Ehhahahahaha! Do you see the little blue aliens? I do! I'm gonna be a
muskrat! I'm gonna be a muskrat! Good for me!
Cartman: YOU...YOU KILLED SHEILA!!!!!
Kyle: Whoa, dude! Calm down! It's just temporary. Every time she
bumps her head, she gets like this. She may talk nonsense for a bit,
and start to see things for a few minutes, but that's all. She'll be
back to normal.
Sheila: [looks at Pip] *YOU*!!!!! You hit me on the noggin with the
statue thingie! It's all ouchie ouch! Now, I shall destroy you!
Pip: Uh oh!
Sheila: [eyes going pinwheely]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kyle: Dude! She's gonna explode! Run!
Stan: Move, fatass!
[Stan and Kyle run out of the room, Stan pushing Cartman. Kenny
follows]
Cartman: AY!
[Outside of the display room. The four boys are listening to what's
going on]
Sheila: [inside display room] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PINWHEELS!!!! DIE
DIE DIE!
Pip: [display room] OWWWW!!!!! Oh, dear! What on earth!?!
[Pip exits display room. He is walking funny]
Pip: [sees Mr. Garrison] Mr...Mr. Garrison. I, umm, just got a
pinwheel stuck up my rump. Can I go to the hospital?
[Sheila enters]
Sheila: Hi, everyone! I'm back now, my mind is!
Mr. Garrison: Sheila Broslofski! Did you shove a pinwheel up Pip's ass
again?
Sheila: Hey! Why is it that whenever a pinwheel gets shoved up
someone's ass, everyone always looks at me?!? I mean, give me the
benefit of the doubt! It's my constipational right, for crying out
loud!
Mr. Garrison: Did you or didn't you?
Sheila: Yeah, yeah. I did. [whining] But he was pissing me off!
Mr. Garrison: That's besides the point, Sheila. Right, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: That's right. No one gives a rat's ass about Pip. It's just
a rule that pinwheels aren't allowed on school field trips.
Sheila: WHAT?!?! YOU DARE TO INFRINGE MY CONSTIPATIONAL RIGHTS?!?!?
AAAHHH!!!! TU LLEVAS LA MASCARA DEL QUESO Y MUERTE!!!!!!
[translation--You are wearing the mask of cheese and death--the Spanish
probably isn't perfect--it's not supposed to be]
Mr. Garrison: I wear the mask of cheese and death? You have got some
serious psychological problems.
Sheila: This coming from some sickass weirdo that screws gay hand
puppets.
Mr. Garrison: All right! This is it! Field trip over! We're going
back to school!
Kyle: [sarcastic] Thanks, Sheila!
Sheila: Kyle, <bleep> off!
Kyle: [to Stan] I think it's that time of the month.
Pip: Mr. Garrison? There's a pinwheel up my rump. Can I see the nurse
or something?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, shut up already, Pip. It'll come out next time you
take a shit. Quit being such a wussy French pansy.
Pip: [uncertain] Oh, okeedokee. Right-o.
Mr. Garrison: Now, everyone get back to the school bus. This trip is
over, since someone can't keep her comments or pinwheels to herself, not
to mention names here *SHERMAN BRAUTWURST*!
Sheila: It's SHEILA BROSLOFSKI!!!! What the hell is a "Sherman
Brautwurst"?
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, please answer this question!
Mr. Hat: EVERYONE GET THE <BLEEP> ON THE BUS!!!
[On the bus]
Stan: Dude! Where's Cartman?
Kyle: Dude! Good question! I haven't seen fatass for a while now!
[Cartman enters the bus, carrying a big rectangle covered with canvas]
Stan: Dude! What's that?
Cartman: Nothing. Nothing to worry your little hippie heads about.
Kyle: Let me see that!
[Kyle tries to take the mysterious item from Cartman]
Sheila: KYLE! I'll kill you!
Stan: Oh, you wouldn't want that to happen, dude!
[Sheila and Cartman go and sit at the back of the bus]
[Later that night. Kyle, Stan, Kenny, are watching TV in the Broslofski
house]
Stan: Dude! Where's fatass? You think he'd be hanging around here!
Kyle: I don't know, dude! This is pretty weird!
Kenny: {Maybe he's upstairs with Sheila...}
Kyle: Shut up, Kenny!
[Shot of television screen]
News announcer: And, this just in from the South Park Museum. Museum
employees say that a priceless Terrance and Phillip painting, entitled
"Fart", was stolen from its display case earlier this afternoon. So far,
there is no suspects in this crime, but if anyone has any information
regarding this incident, please call the South Park police. A sizeable
reward will be given to anyone who can turn in the thief and return the
painting.
Kyle: *DUDE*! I don't believe it!
Stan: Yeah! That's weird! We were just there this afternoon!
Kyle: Yeah, that's pretty unbelievable! I wonder who could have done
it?
[Kyle's thoughts are now shown. Shows Cartman, who is saying, "Yeah, I
wish I could have that painting!" Kyle also has a flashback of Cartman
carrying the rectangular mystery object onto the bus]
Kyle: *DUDE*!!! It cannot be, can it?
Stan: What?
Kyle: Cartman! Cartman stole the painting!
Stan: Dude! You're not serious, are you? He may be a stupid fat
<bleep>, but an art thief?
Kyle: All the evidence points to him! It only makes sense!
Stan: But, why? Why would he do it?
Kyle: I..I don't know that. But, Sheila may know.
Stan: Are you sure about this?
Kyle: Yeah! I mean, think of the benefits! Money, no fatasses bugging
us...
Stan: Dude, I guess! Well, let's go talk to Sheila about it. Maybe
she'll give us some more evidence.
[Upstairs. Outside Sheila's room]
[Kyle knocks on the door]
Sheila: [mysterious] Who goes there?
Kyle: It's me, Stan, and Kenny!
Sheila: OK. You may now enter.
[Kyle opens the door, and a big cloud of blue smoke floats out of the
room]
Kyle: Sheila, what the hell are you doing? Smoking crack up here or
something?
Sheila: [smug] No!
[The smoke clears away. In the one corner of Sheila's room, there is a
6 foot tall poster of Cartman. There's a bunch of candles lit around
the picture, and a smoke machine is to the left of this little shrine.
That's where the blue smoke was coming from. In another corner of her
room, there is a big shelf, and on top of that, is about 50 pinwheels
standing in a Tupperware-like container]
Stan: What the hell is *that* supposed to be?
Sheila: My Cartman Shrine!
Kyle: You're totally screwed up, you know that?
Sheila: [dramatic] CARTMAN...ES...MUY! [translate--Cartman is very!]
Stan: Cartman is *WHAT*?
Sheila: Cartman es muy.
Stan: Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Kyle: What the hell is that? [points to a stack of books]
Sheila: Pictures of Cartman.
Kenny: {Any nude ones?}
Sheila: No, Kenny. And if you make any more remarks, you will be
personally paid a visit by a hostile pinwheel. Or some hitman named
Bubba who thinks he's any female pop vocalist from the 1980's.
Kyle: Ok, ok. Down to business. Sheila, we have some questions, and
we want answers!
Sheila: OK. Pi equals 22/7. If you took a banana and stuck it in your
belly button, you would be in severe pain until it causes your stomach
to explode. If you eat too much ice cream, your brain freezes. If you
cross your eyes for too long, your eyes will pop out your ears, hit some
dude in the head, and you'll find yourself in one hell of a lawsuit,
while some penguins steal your handkerchief as some guy with a goatee,
who's really Bubba, sings "Red, Red Wine" since he likes to get drunk
and wear platform shoes.
Stan: *WHAT*?!?
Kyle: No, Sheila. Umm, I don't know *WHAT* questions you answered, but
they certainly weren't the ones we were gonna ask!
Sheila: They weren't?
Kyle: NO!
Sheila: Ok, then, what do you want?
Kyle: Do you know what Cartman was carrying on the bus on our way back
to school today?
Sheila: No. Why?
Stan: We suspect he stole the Terrance and Phillip painting! It was
missing, and all evidence points toward him. The mysterious package,
his comments that he'd like to have that painting...
Sheila: YOU BASTARD!!!!!
Kenny: {Hello? I'm still alive here! Are you completely braindead?}
Sheila: No, not that! I *MEAN* you *BASTARD*!!! Accusing my sweetie
of stealing a painting?!? That's just totally *HORRIBLE*!
Kyle: I'm sorry to tell you, but it seems to be the only explanation of
the painting's disappearance! We were hoping you might be able to
help! There is a reward involved...
Sheila: I totally can't *believe* you three! How shallow and
materialistic can you possibly be?!? Cartman did not and would not
steal a painting! And, you guys are thinking about rewards?!?! Rewards
and false accusations?!?! I won't stand for it! CARTMAN ES MUY! YOU
GUYS SUCK! SO, NYEH! I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
[Sheila throws some gourds, that are just sitting around for no
particular reason, at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny]
Kenny: {Oh my God! She's throwing dildos at us!}
Sheila: GOURDS!!!!! *NOT DILDOS*!!!!! YOU CAN ALL GO <BLEEP>
BUFFALOES!!!!!
Stan: Sheila, calm down! No need to totally freak out here!
Sheila: I AM CALM!
[Her eyes are all pinwheely]
Kyle: [quietly] This was a bad idea. She's no help. I guess we have
to do some investigating. We have to see if we can catch the thief with
the stolen goods!
Stan: Yeah, dude. I think that would be a better idea.
[Kyle, Stan, and Kenny exit]
[Cartman's House]
[Doorbell rings]
[Ms. Cartman answers it]
Ms. Cartman: Oh, hello boys.
Stan: Hi. Where's Cartman?
Ms. Cartman: Eric is upstairs in his room.
Kyle: Thanks.
[They go up the stairs. They reach Cartman's room. They try to open
the door, but it is locked]
Kyle: Dude! Open up! We know what you're up to!
Cartman: AY!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!
Stan: Not until you show yourself!
[Cartman mumbles to himself, as he exits his room. He keeps the door
shut, so no one can see in]
Kyle: What's in your room?
Cartman: [nervous] No..nothing! Now, get outta here!
Stan: I think you're hiding something. Let us look around your room!
Cartman: NO!!!! You stupid hippies keep out! None of your business,
you assholes!!!
Kyle: He stole it! This proves it. Now, for interrogation. OK. We're
taking him.
Cartman: What?!? What the hell is going on here?!?!
[They drag Cartman down the stairs]
Cartman:
OWW...You...<bleep>ing...hippies...are...gonna...be...kicked...in...the...*NUTS*!
Kyle: Yeah, yeah. And we'll cut yours off.
[Sheila's room. Only, for some strange reason, Sheila isn't around.
Cartman is sitting on a chair, with the single light dangling from the
ceiling above his head]
Kyle: OK. Where were you earlier today?
Cartman: At the museum. *DUH*!!!
Kyle: Did you take anything from the museum?
Cartman: *WHAT*?!? Like what?!?
Kyle: Like a painting! A painting called "Fart" that just happened to
portray Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman: *NO*!!! Why would I take that painting?
Kyle: You said you wanted it! And, you also had a mysterious package
with you on the bus!
Cartman: But, I just said I wanted it cause it's a cool painting! You
guys thought so too! And the package on the bus was a *copy* of the
painting I bought at the gift shop!
Kyle: Let me see the painting!
Cartman: Eh, ok. [He pulls the copy of the painting out of his
pocket--it's a wonder how that huge thing fit in there]
Kyle: [examining it] Looks original to me! No way can a copy be this
accurate!
Cartman: [whining] But, it's just a copy! You gotta believe me!
Stan: Dude, you're guilty of stealing the painting. That's all there
is to it.
Kyle: Now, we get our reward for finding the thief!
Cartman: [in tears] But...but...
[Sheila enters]
Sheila: Enough bullshit! Kyle, Stan, and Kenny, you three really
suck! Die, die, die!
Come on Cartman! We're canteloping!
Kenny: {Why is it that I'm being blamed here?}
[Sheila and Cartman exit. Sheila slams the door, which cause a bunch of
pinwheels on the top of one of her shelves to take a divebomb down at
Kenny. They fly down like blades, and slice him up]
Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Stan: Dude! That was just like those salad shooter things!
[The next day]
[Mr. Garrison's classroom]
[Sheila is sitting in the corner, staring at the wall]
Kyle: Umm, Sheila?
Sheila: Go away. You've been enough of an asshole to last your entire
life! I mean, Cartman is in *JAIL*!!! What were you thinking when you
told Officer Barbrady that you found the painting?!? Sure, you may have
your reward, but Cartman really didn't do it. I don't know how or why
the painting is missing, or who took it, but all I know is that it
wasn't Cartman!
Kyle: Sorry...
Sheila: Go <bleep> a gourd.
[Shot of Cartman--in jail]
[He is dressed like Elvis, singing the Jailhouse Rock--I'd put in the
lyrics, but I forget them]
[Back to classroom]
[Pip is waddling around]
Pip: Oh, my rump. Ohh, the pain, the pain!!!
Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Pip!
Pip: But, the pinwheel is still there! I tried to poop it out, but I
do believe the pinwheel is blocking the passage!
Clyde: Traffic jam.
[Class laughs]
Mr. Garrison: OK, class, as you all know, Eric Cartman stole the
Terrance and Phillip painting, and is now in jail.
[Sheila screeches and throws a gourd at Mr. Garrison]
Sheila: TU LLEVAS LA MASCARA DEL QUESO Y MUERTE!!!!!!!
Pip: Oh, dear me! The pain is unbearable! OOOOOOWWWWWW!!!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, go to the nurse already Pip! Just shut up about your
stupid ass!
[Pip waddles out]
[Later that day, in the jail]
[Sheila is visiting Cartman--she just left school during recess]
Sheila: This is so totally <bleep>ed up. I mean, you're innocent!
Cartman: You think those stupid dildos could tell the difference
between a fake little gift shop painting and the original one!
Sheila: Well, no worry now! I'm busting you outta here!
Cartman: Kick ass! How?
Sheila: [grinning evilly] Watch this!
[She pulls out a pinwheel]
Sheila: Stand back!
[Sheila blasts a hole in the cell with a laser that shoots out of the
pinwheel]
Cartman: *DUDE*! Thanks!
[Sheila blows the smoke away from the top of the pinwheel]
Sheila: Don't mention it!
Cartman: I guess we could go to school.
Sheila: Yeah, we should beat up Stan and Kyle!
[At school--everyone is in the nurse's office, looking at Pip and
something that is under a sheet on the table next to him]
Kyle: I don't believe it!
[Sheila and Cartman enter unnoticed]
Nurse Gollum: The missing painting, that was presumed stolen, was up
Pip's ass all this time!
Stan: *DUDE*!
Sheila: What?!? That was a *PAINTING* I shoved up his ass?!?! I
thought it was a pinwheel! Oh, *YEAH*!!!!! The statue got me all
hallucinating and stuff when it hit me on the head, so I guess I was
seeing pinwheels where there weren't any!
Mr. Garrison: Well, the police are on the way to straighten this all
out!
[Officer Barbrady enters]
Mr. Garrison: We found out who the real thief was. It was Pip's ass.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, imagine that! A thieving tooshie! Oh, well, you
have the right to remain silent, blah blah blah, I place your ass under
arrest!
Stan: His ass is under arrest?
Officer Barbrady: It only makes sense. After all, the rest of him
didn't steal the painting! Just his ass!
[Officer Barbrady attempts to put handcuffs on Pip's ass. It is
impossible. He just pushes Pip out the door]
Sheila: Welllll, I *TOLD* ya so! Cartman was innocent all along!
Kyle: Sorry! But all the evidence pointed to him!
Sheila: So? You were just being an asshole, as usual! I'm pissed
off. So, now you gotta pay.
[Cartman kicks Stan and Kyle in the nuts]
Stan and Kyle: OOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
Kyle: [choking] Well, I guess I sorta deserved it.
[In jail]
[Pip is sitting, so that only his ass is in a jail cell]
Pip: Oh, dear!
[END]
****************************************************************************************
How was it? Comments, criticisms, etc. are *always* welcome! :)
~Kyle Broslofski~
Ds2587sp
ZoeHeris
girl, you're *good* at this!
-Kim (trying to think of some new compliments besides 'That was great')
Martin Hazelbower
--
Martin
"I listened to Black Sabbath at 78 speed... I saw God, man."
--Tommy Chong
(Remove kill_all_the_spammers to reply)
the_da...@my-dejanews.com
kyle__br...@hotmail.com wrote:
> EEEEEKKK!!! New fanfic, after a 2 week vacation! :) Hope y'all like
> it! :)
>
> *Idea By Dave!* (Thank you, thank you, thank you! You totally kick
> ass! Here's some cookies)
>
> Written By Kyle Broslofski
> How was it? Comments, criticisms, etc. are *always* welcome! :)
>
> ~Kyle Broslofski~
>
<Wild Applause.> G-R-E-A-T great. Are you sure you're not possesed by Matt &
Trey when you write these things? Definately entitled the rank of kemosabe.
the_davester
Visit my website, yadda yadda yadda...
http://www.geocities.com/~dgisoft/nirvana/
Proudly Daving one Dave a Dav- err... day -- Meee!
"And you'll have to admit I'll be rich as sh*t."
-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Gyrex
Incredible Kyle! You WILL become a writer someday!
MEGA APPLAUSE!!
Gyrex
---------
"*PLONK*"
--Originated from alt.tv.southpark
NOTICE: NO PEOPLE WERE PLONKED IN THE MAKING OF THIS SIGNATURE (unless you
are a troll)
AshRead
>girl, you're *good* at this!
>
>-Kim (trying to think of some new compliments besides 'That was great')
yeah I agree..hey kim, I got it!!! DUDE! hehe...
Ash
"We do not see things as they are,
We see them as we are." -Anais Nin
"To those who can dream there is no such place as faraway."– Anonymous
Alyssa
a wonderful writer. One part I particularly liked (being a Kennite, and
all):
> Sheila: YOU BASTARD!!!!!
>
> Kenny: {Hello? I'm still alive here! Are you completely braindead?}
<passes a bigass tray of cookies - you know, if this "cookies for good
fics" tradition keeps up, some of us are gonna be about as fat as
Cartman...but who cares? ;)>
Alyssa
Kristling Dreamwalker
> fics" tradition keeps up, some of us are gonna be about as fat as
> Cartman...but who cares? ;)>
>
> Alyssa
Alll I'll say is I piced the write time to join the group. This was
GOOD.
I'll have to remember this cookie traditon...
__+_Kristling_+__
Mike Jakeman
<kyle__br...@hotmail.com> writes
>EEEEEKKK!!! New fanfic, after a 2 week vacation! :) Hope y'all like
>it! :)
Like it? I *loved* it! Really good fun! <much applause and throwing of
fake flowers>
--
[I need another quote]
Mike Jakeman ICQ #17759351
mike(at)jakeman(dot)demon(dot)co(dot)uk