Kent Brockman Quotes...
Deat...@webtv.net
<< Kent: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman! Our top stories tonight: a
tremendous explosion in the price of lumber, President Reagan dyes...his
hair, plus Garry Trudeau and his new musical comedy revue. >>
Shouldn't this read:
HELLO, I'm Kent Brockman! Our top stories tonight: a tremendous
EXPLOSION... in the price of lumber; President Reagan DIES... his
hair... says Garry Trudeau in his new musical comedy revue... "
Meh. Whatever.
TPE!
---------------------------------
"I have to take down the Laughing Japanese Man." - TE
Dave Hall
COOL KENT BROCKMAN QUOTES...
Compiled by Dave Hall (dave...@escape.ca)
Compiled from 10 zillion alt.tv.simpsons articles, and verified when
possible from the episode capsules, the following are Kent Brockman quotes
and scenes everyone seems to love...
"...This just in, go to hell!"
"...ockman, just outside the County Courtroom where an argument
about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in
Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle
out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have
dubbed `Beat-Up Waiter.' Pfff, this reporter suggested
`Waitergate', but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's
illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, so we'll have
to be quiet...[door slams in his face] D'oh!"
"At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be
dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their
behaviour could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical
proportions. ...It's in `Revelations', people!"
"Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until
now none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At three p.m.
Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a
tense confrontation at town hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby
hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to
a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to `alive'."
"Gabbo's kind of language has no place on or off TV. And that's my
two cents...that ought to hold those S.O.B.s."
"I'm Kent Brockman. On the eleven o'clock news tonight, a certain
kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you
which one until after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny
Storm."
"I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't
work."
"Ladies and Gentleman, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq;
and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse
than all of them put together."
"Ladies and gentlemen, er, we've just lost the picture, but, uh,
what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has been
taken over -- `conquered', if you will -- by a master race of giant
space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether
they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One
thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon
be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd
like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be
helpful in rounding up others to... toil in their underground sugar
caves."
"Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for
one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to
matter now, so...the following people are gay..."
"Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began
with rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of
Mozart's `The Magic Flute'. So, what's the answer? Ban all music?
In this reporters opinion, the answer, sadly, is `yes'."
"Recapping our day's top story: the winner of today's state lottery
is me: Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me?... there you go. In
other news Uhh, tragic mix-up today in Cleveland... many people
killed... Uhh... goodbye!"
"Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the
unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy
majors."
"The economic slump began last spring when the government closed
Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution
industries. Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter
places the blame squarely on you, the viewers!"
"This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the
Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for
highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came
and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was
harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the
Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera.
So, let's turn it on.
Now, this technology is new to me, but...I'm pretty sure that's
Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. His body temperature
has risen to over 400 degrees -- he's literally stewing in his own
juices."
"This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield.
Early reports indicate, and this is very preliminary, that one of
the fighters is a giant lizard. Do we have a source on this? ... Uh
huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. ...Aright, I could use some
names. I. P. Freeley."
"Though it was unusual to spend 28 minutes reporting on a doll, this
reporter found it impossible to stop talking. It's just really
fascinating news, folks. Good night! [Music starts playing and
credits roll] Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More
on that tomorrow night, or you can turn to another channel...
Oh! Do not turn to another channel."
"Tonight, on `Eye on Springfield`: just miles from your doorstep,
hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The
government calls it the "army", but a more alarmist name would be
-- `The Killbot Factory.'"
"Well it looks like we have our first caller...and I mean ever,
because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on the air."
"Well, this reporter was... possibly a little hasty earlier, would
like to... reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human
president. May not be perfect, but it's still the best government
we have. For now... Oh, yes, by the way, the spacecraft still in
extreme danger, may not make it back, attempting risky reentry,
bla bla bla bla. We'll see you after the movie."
"Yes, I'm back. Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would
leave a $500,000 a year job just because he won a lottery.
Hey, I'm a journalist."
===============================================================================
Some Kent Brockman scenes...
(verified from the episode capsules when possible)
==[8F17]==================
Kent: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman.
Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I lost my dog.
Kent: Mm hm. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm?
You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a
piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this and hungry that...
Bart: Gee, I'm sorry, mister.
Butler: Sir, your llama just bit Ted Kennedy.
Kent: Good!
==[1F04]==================
Kent: Another local peasant has been found dead; drained of his
blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was
been found on the scene. Police are baffled.
[cut to Chief Wiggum]
Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a
mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of
the Springfield Museum destroyed.
[Eddie and Lou seen destroying stuff]
Nice work, boys.
==[1F09]==================
Kent: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for
some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what
the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack
each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Prof.: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.
==[1F09]==================
Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty
vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy
sack-beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.
Forty percent of all people know that.
Kent: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group
has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing
crimes.
Kent: [pause] Well, touche'.
==[1F09]==================
Kent: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This
reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster
like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor:
would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Prof.: Yes I would, Kent.
==[1F12]==================
Daughter: My new doll is much better than Malibu Stacy. Do a newscast
about her.
Kent: Ho ho, please, honey, Daddy's job is to bring people important
news. Right now I'm busy preparing a report about the
fortieth anniversary of Beetle Bailey.
Daughter: Oh, Daddy, that is boring. Talk about the dolly!
Kent: Well, you were right about the Berlin Wall...
==[2F05]==================
Kent: Hello, I'm Kent Brockman! Our top stories tonight: a
tremendous explosion in the price of lumber, President
Reagan dyes...his hair, plus Garry Trudeau and his new
musical comedy revue. But first! Let's check the death
count from the killer storm bearing down on us like a
shotgun full of snow.
Weatherman: Well, Kent, as of now the death count is zero. But it is
ready to shoot right up.
Kent: Oh my God! ...Damn you snow!
===============================================================================
Kent Brockman's list of "gay people" (from 2F11)
Al Jean (Writer/Consulting producer)
Alf Clausen (Music)
Allison Ellott (Post Production Supervisor)
Annette Andersen (Matt Groening's assistant)
Bill Oakley (Writer/Supervising Producer)
Chris Ledesma (Music Editor)
David Cohen (Story Editor)
David Mirkin (Executive Producer)
David Silverman (Producer)
Dominique Braud-Stiger (Post Producer Assistant)
Don Gilbert (Producer Assistant)
Elizabeth Jacobs (David Mirkin's assistant)
George Meyer (Writer/Co-Executive Producer)
Greg Daniels (Writer/producer)
Griag Feeney (Producer Assistant)
Jane O'Brien (Producer Assistant)
Jacqueline Atkins (Producer Assistant)
Jennifer Crittenden (Staff Writer)
Joel Kuwahara (Producer Assistant)
Joseph Boucher (Producer)
Josh Weinstein (Writer/Supervising Producer)
Ken Tsumura (Animation Co-Producer for Gracie Films)
Mark McJimsey (Editor/Dialogue Sound Editor)
Matt Groening (Creative Consultant)
Mike Reiss (Writer/consulting producer)
Mike Scully (Writer/producer)
Ping Warner (Post Producer Assistant)
Richard Raynis (Producer)
N. Violet Diaz
Richard Havis
[This document was compiled by Dave Hall (dave...@escape.ca)]
===============================================================================
a.k.a. Capn Twill
> unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy
> majors."
God, I love that quote.
My roommate last year was a philosophy major, so we always used to apply that
line to him.
I believe the next part is something like "Now useful people are feeling the
pinch."
I'd check, but it's 3 in the morning, for Pete's sake!
Cap'n Twill
"My cat's name is Mittens."
sjtr...@my-deja.com
> COOL KENT BROCKMAN QUOTES...
You left out my Favourite Line:
"...Authorities say the Phony Pope can be recognized by his high-top
sneakers and incredibly foul mouth"
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
reo
My apologies for having copied this Kent quote from the "The Simpsons" guide
to OFF, but I couldn't possibly have recited it from memory. Anyway, it's
pretty "kewwl." In fact, Kent is the epitome of "kewwlness," (awesome
statement, eh?)
KENT: [in "Deep Space Homer"]
"Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what
we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been
taken over - 'conquered,' if you will - by a master race of giant space
ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will
consume the captive Earthmen or merely enslave them....One thing is for
certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here....And I, for
one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a
trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in
their underground sugar caves."
I also like that moment in "Dog Of Death" when Kent is reading the news live
and he goes wild when he discovers he has won a huge lottery jackpot.
REO (U.K.)
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