Lisa Simpson Quotes
Dave Hall
LISA SIMPSON QUOTES -- EXTRACTED FROM THE EPISODE CAPSULES
Compiled by Dave Hall (dave...@escape.ca)
A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean!
A hush falls over the general assembly as Stacy approaches the
podium to deliver what will no doubt be a stirring and memorable
address.
A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
Aah! It's the beating of that hideous heart!
Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims
residency, Dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to
have a celebrity in the neighborhood.
Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look exactly the
same even if you weren't.
And I'm going to the park to jam with The Little White Girls Blues
Quartet. Wanna come with me, Daddy-O?
And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a
brand new protractor.
And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a
one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.
And while on Ventnor Avenue, you'll be staying at the fabulous Hotel
Lisa. A valet will be around shortly to park your thimble. Of
course, there is the unpleasant matter of the bill...
As long as it's constitutional.
As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point
entirely.
Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one
creative outlet. It was the only way I could truly express myself.
Bart, I am so proud of you. You've showed a sensitive side of
yourself that can never be erased. From this day forward, we are
kindred spirits.
Bart, I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you lately. I got carried
away with being popular. But, now that I'm unpopular again, I want
you to know I'm here for you.
Bart, I'm sorry I'm going to miss your public humiliation, but the
Wolumbaloo Dirt Monument is just too exciting to pass up!
Bart, I've read about what happens to kids who's parents no longer
love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages.
Right now I'm in stage three, Fear. You're in stage two, Denial.
Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm
not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in
you.
Bart, in the split second before he died, I bet Scratchy appreciated
his birthday present. Do you see how this relates to us?
Bart, it's naive to think you can change a person...except maybe
that boy who works in the library...
Bart, my birthday's in two days. I'm going to be eight years old.
It's a big number, almost double digits.
Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any
meat product.
Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join
them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised to
get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask...
Bart, welcome to stage three -- Fear.
Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Bart, your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever.
For five dollars, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years!
Beware the Ides of March.
But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a
sense of humor and be robots.
But if we don't encourage her to vent her feelings, they can come
out in other ways.
But she's better than me at everything that makes me special!
But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born
with a soul -- that you have to earn one through suffering and
thought and prayer, like you did last night.
But, Dad, by striking, they're trying to effect a change in
management so that they can be happier and more productive.
Can I get my ears pierced?
Can I have wine?
Can I paint my nails?
Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
Can I wear your jewelry?
Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend,
someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him.
Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low!
Come on, Dad. It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's
failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after
scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game.
Come on, shampoo! You can do it! Yay! I won your stupid bathroom
products race.
Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special. And
with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus five at
Chicago.
Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes?
I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
Dad, look: I made fishsticks. They're burned on the outside but
they're frozen on the inside so it balances out.
Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty
memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn magnate
Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court
justice David Souter.
Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers, including Lauren
Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks.
Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two
people come together and stay together: there's something they give
each other that nobody else can give them. If you want to get Mom
back, you just have to remember what you give her that nobody else
can.
Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?
Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens
to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional
smart-alec quip, and by next week we'll be back to where we started
from, ready for another wacky adventure.
Don't worry, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head.
Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to feeding
time. So we sit around like cattle, chewing our cud, dreading the
inevitable...
Finally a copy of `Ethan Frome' to call my own!
Generation X may be shallow but at least they have tolerance and
respect for all people.
Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip.
Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your
superior ability?
He can make you laugh with no more than a frantic flailing of his
limbs.
He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!
Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such
ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor?
The simplest explanation is probably the correct one.
Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the
blockage! Below!
Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man
will have another finger.
Hey, I am above average! So what if Alison's ahead of me? There's
no shame in being second.
Hey, horse-face! Get your ugly hooks off that Summer Fun Set!
Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean
he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind
of food-crazed maniac.
Hi, Alison, I'm Lisa Simpson. Oh, it's great to finally meet
someone who converses above the normal eight-year-old level.
Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong, so I am choosing not to
watch it in the hopes that others will follow my example. That's the
last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time.
Hi. I remember you from such filmstrips as Locker Room Towel Fight:
the Blinding of Larry Driscoll.
Hmm. Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight. We're going to
have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.
Hmm. Pablo Neruda said, Laughter is the language of the soul.
Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has
little to no interest in almost everything I do.
How Zen...
How doth the hero strong and brave, A celestial path in the heavens
pave.
Hush, field-trip boy!
I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when
she's really upset.
I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the
shackles of our male oppressors.
I appreciate the offer, but it goes against every moral fiber in my
body.
I believe they prefer to be called conjoined twins.
I can feel an evil presence in this house.
I can see through time!
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've
actually picketed against burned up the comet.
I can't eat this. I can't eat a poor little lamb.
I can't help but feel that if we had gotten to know each other
better, my leaving would actually have meant something.
I can't leave Springfield! I was born here and I thought I would die
here!
I could've been the flower girl. And I wouldn't keep falling down,
either.
I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a
convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon
would get so few.
I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
I feel more popular already.
I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.
I have to join the team or I'll get an F that will haunt me for the
rest of my life.
I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your
prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or
what God is exactly, all I know is He's a force more powerful than
Mom and Dad put together, and you owe Him big.
I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any
proof, but doesn't the Bible teach us, Judge not, lest ye be judged,
Reverend?
I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed
with his physical appearance --
I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap slivers
together!
I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer!
I need help, Mom. There's another girl at school who's smarter,
younger, and a better sax player than me. Ew, I feel so average.
I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the
message that violence against animals is funny.
I prefer my phrasing.
I stand corrected.
I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm
sorry I messed up your barbeque.
I think it's great you're a teacher, Dad. So, will be you lecturing
from a standardized text or using the more socratic method of
interactive class participation?
I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would
have fallen to his death.
I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday
world and following a dream...of sorts.
I think this tomato could wipe out world hunger.
I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock
Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow,
even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.
I thought I could ride this thing out, but everything's just too
weird here.
I want the most intelligent hamster you got.
I want to meet the first female Stealth Bomber pilot. During the
Gulf War she destroyed seventy mosques and her name is Lisa too.
I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
I warning you, Mom: I may get a little crazy.
I will, Mr. Gumble, but if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad
for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him
around for a day to see what makes him tick.
I wish for world peace.
I wish we lived in the kitty house.
I won't say anything controversial.
I wonder if this kind of violence really does desensitize us?
I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde
stomach pump.
I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.
I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
I'm defending a country where people can think and act and worship
any way they want.
I'm going to contribute my money to the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting.
I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate!
I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just
cause and you were wrong wrong wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm
going to my room!
I'm not a little egg-sucker, am I?
I'm not a sniveling toad, am I?
I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of a car. The
idle farmer whose land has been taken away by uncaring bureaucrats.
The West Virginia coal-miner caught...
I've got a weekend job helping the poor and I'm only eight.
I've got to stop being so petty. I should be Alison's friend, not
her competitor. I mean...she is a wonderful person...
I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic
steroids.
If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a
sound?
If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
If the pets die, don't replace them, I'll know!
If there had to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's
you.
Impaled on my Nobel Peace Prize -- how ironic.
In fact, in Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and
hamburgers eat people.
Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional,
or is it just a horrible mistake?
Is there a reward? ... If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the
children's rights movement for decades to come.
Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
It is unfeasible to resurrect the dead, Bart. And even if the Three
Stooges were alive I doubt they'd want to hang around with you.
It looks like a vortex. A gateway into another dimension.
It may be bleak, but this music is really getting to the crowd.
It seems like I've been wearing this same red dress forever!
It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught fire.
It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.
It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that
this is the right way to act -- that they can never be more than
vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich
husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous
friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and
have a rich husband!
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad.
We watch an appalling amount of TV.
It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue!
It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation
Xers.
It's simple, Bart: you've defined yourself as a rebel, and in the
absence of a repressive milieu your societal nature's been co-opted.
Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge...
Janey, school is never a waste of time.
Judging from your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy.
Or a man named Andy.
Just as I was getting over my Chester A. Arthritis.
Just buy. You don't have to rationalize everything.
Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
Just trying to fill the void of random, meaningless destruction
Bart's absence has left in our hearts.
Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use
the same word for crisis as they do for opportunity?
Look, there's only one way to settle this. Rock-paper-scissors.
Luckily I've prepared for this, so I'm not too worried.
Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to
the casino and let her know...
Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before
dark.
Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. I had a cat named
Snowball -- She died! She died! Mom said she was sleeping -- She
lied! She lied! Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler
hit me instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy -- He died...
Milhouse! Knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo! Jimbo, go for
the face! Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone!
Hack the bone!
Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
day render it uninhabitable?
Mom! I found Sideshow Bob's hideout and I got a secret message to
the police and I had a blimp fall on me and I was in an atomic blast
but I'm OK now!
Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean...Milhouse.
Mom, doesn't any love story have a happy ending?
Mom, is Dad going to kill us?
Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always planned my dream
wedding and you always promised to...you know, well, keep Dad from
ruining it?
Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by
Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
Mom, this is really scary. I'm going to get my first F ever.
Mom, was catching that guy the most incredibly exciting thing you've
ever done?
Mr. Lincoln? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far
outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
My conscience is bothering me.
My name is Lisa Simpson and I made a chart of all the suspects in
the Burns case. Look! Mr. Burns hurt all these people financially.
Nightclub owner Moe Szyslak: his bar was closed because of Burns'
negligence. Liquor connoisseur Barney Gumbel: when Moe's closed,
Barney lost his only means of support -- sucking coins out of the
Love Tester machine.
My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Li'l Miss Springfield so I
can make our town a better place.
No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV!
No Dad, Krusty is our guest. Your pratfalls and Punchinello antics
aren't necessary here.
No Dad, that's Hebrew! Krusty must be Jewish.
No Maggie! Come here girl, come to me.
No Maggie, don't go for the glitter, look for substance.
No Mom, it's very reassuring, and I've learned a great deal from
this cow's heart I got at the butcher's shop.
No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you
always taught us was wrong.
No! Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix:
it's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.
No, Bart, it's a 3000-year-old riddle with no anwer. It's supposed
to clear your mind of conscious thought.
No: Nevada makes my butt look big.
Not exactly...they pieced it together from old shows, but it seems
new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. And if any part
of you should fill that air, it's your own fault.
Oh Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call Over-
compensation... Mom is racked with guilt because their marriage is
failing.
Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular! ...More so!
Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously. Even a 5-year-old
knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet!
Oh, great. I'm stuck in this lousy tub for the rest of my life.
Shouldn't you people be groveling? And bring me some shoes. Nice
ones.
Oh, nothing. I just scheduled a tetanus booster. Maybe I'm being a
little anal, but barefoot season is coming up and there's a world of
rusty nails out there!
Oh, well, you know, it ain't so great. Bart, it's the best thing
that ever happened to me in my whole life! Well, anyway, I brought
you a present. It's a telescope I won at the optics festival.
Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster!
Ohhh, my family just doesn't understand my new found vegetarianism.
Compared to them the public schools are a haven of enlightenment.
Okay. I like... Langdon Alger.
Old people deserve our respect. Look at Jacques Cousteau and Goldie
Hawn; you wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens.
Ooohh, you are so cute, yes you are you are I just love you.
Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me
about?
Our lives have taken an odd turn.
Pass the moo juice.
Perfect. Let's roll.
Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and
took his own life.
Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Pfft. Tutoring? The only thing Bart's teaching is guerilla combat
in Shelbyville.
Please tell me when the scary part's over.
Please, Bart, I've seen your stupid Shemp.
Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel.
Remember Dad, all glory is fleeting.
Shut up, brain! I got friends now. I don't need you any more.
Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old
niece, I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically
insignificant number of forty-year-old single women who ever find
their fair prince.
So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would
be stealing?
So it's true: some cartoons do encourage violence.
So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself.
So, Bart, have your insides been gnawed away by guilt yet?
Sorry Bart, I would love to help you but I am mired in stage five,
Self-pity.
Sorry, Mom. I've decided to save my love for someone who's
guaranteed not to reject me. Soon, Corey, soon.
Stop it Stop IT! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by
corporate propaganda?
THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!
That doesn't seem like a happy ending. That seems more like a
detached tale of modern alienation.
That is so sad.
That music always sends a chill down my spine.
That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who
he is?
That story isn't suitable for children.
That's guilt. You feel guilty because your stunt wound up costing
a man his job.
That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it.
That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting
chewed out?
That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying
to scare you.
That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent
competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if
it's a fatherly gesture of love.
The FOX network has sunk to a new low.
The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy.
The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the
slums. They're little children who need more library books, and
they're families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really
wanted to, you could buy me a pony.
The writers should be ashamed of themselves!
Their dad has a shirt on!
There's an amnesty that was declared for people who've lived here as
long as you. You can take the citizenship test!
There's no way I'll get into an ivy league school now. At this rate
I probably won't even get into Vassar.
They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
This award show is the biggest farce I ever saw!
This is madness. He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers.
This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition,
but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that
the way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it
away?
This is so cool, Bart. We're just like Woodward and Bernstein.
This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens...or Melrose
Place.
This piggy bank contains fifteen dollars I've saved from my
allowance. It isn't much, but I would like to help.
This tooth will be perfect for my science project. Science has
already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol and chinese food,
but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!
Trust in yourself, and you can achieve anything!
Tsk, tsk, tsk, the remorse of the sugar junkie.
Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
Uh oh. Should I laugh? Was that dry British wit, or subtle
self-pity? Ooh, they're staring at me, better respond.
Uh, excuse me, I had the chocolate milk.
Uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and
wisdom.
Wait, Dad. Mm, an essay contest. Children under twelve, three
hundred words, fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting.
Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection
to reggae music.
Well I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted
murder.
Well I'm not going to accomplish anything just sitting here --
Well don't push her. Remember, 'tis better to remain silent and be
thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.'
Well, I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental
problem.
Well, I guess you can't beat big business. There's just no room for
the little guy.
Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart, Seattle
because they've got something to prove, and the Raiders because they
always cheat.
Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has
the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have.
Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will
govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear
in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too
young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all
figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy
blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of
drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and
I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.
Well, I'm sure I could have, but, heh, I'd hate to leave behind my
wonderful friends.
Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly of killing
innocent animals for fashion.
Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're
referring to a pawn.
Well, did you ever talk to anyone at the school? Make a few calls
on my behalf? Maybe you could have been nicer to Principal Skinner,
if ya know what I mean.
Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May
I suggest...good-natured doormat?
Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.
Well... Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will get a big
surprise.
What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty
years.
What about the great feeling you get from knowing you're better than
regular people?
What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter
in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They
built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the
world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall.
What's the point of all these precautions? I've already lost the
only thing that matters to me.
When I get married, I'm keeping my own name. Oh, no, that should
probably be If I choose to get married.
Where'd you get five bucks? I want five bucks.
Why am I still rotting away in the second grade instead of being
skipped ahead?
Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?
Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
Wow, Bart, I'm so impressed you were able to give Milhouse a
concussion.
Yeah. It seems like our house, but everything's got a creepy Pat
Boone-ish quality to it.
Yeah. Maybe this means the end of our wacky adventures.
Yes, I do. And just like your love stories, it's tragic and filled
with hurt feelings and scars that will never heal.
Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot.
Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed wrestling,
perhaps forever.
You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't for kids. They have a place
called Parents' Island. Yeah! Dancing, bowling, fashionable shops,
over one hundred bars and saloons, and a world-class chemical
dependency center.
You know, Maggie hasn't been a Simpson as long as us. I think she's
beginning to forget Mom and Dad.
You know, in a way, all Americans are immigrants. Except, of course
Native Americans.
You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious
competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?
You think you know fear? Well, I've seen 'em naked!
You want a piece of me?
You were Ronny to his Nancy!
You're a credit to dementia!
You're experiencing spiritual emptiness because your power has
isolated you from other human beings.
[This compilation by Dave Hall]
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Dave Hall (dave...@escape.ca)
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