[LIST] The Comic Book Guy File
Paul Buxton
http://www.snpp.com/guides/cbg.file.html .
All submissions should be sent to pa...@snpp.com .
The Comic Book Guy File
v1.11
Maintained by Paul Buxton
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Table of Contents:
Characteristics
Major Appearances
Minor Appearances
Items For Sale by the Comic Book Guy
What Is The Comic Book Guy's Name?
Quotes
1. Characteristics
Yellow skin
Brown hair worn in a pony-tail
Fat and constantly eating
Waddles when walking
Highly sarcastic attitude
Owns the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
45 years Old
Virgin
Lives with parents
Voiced by Hank Azaria
2. Major Appearances
[7F21] Sold Radioactive Man #1 to Bart, Martin and Milhouse
[2F32] Sells Bleeding gums Murphy's album to Bart {mjs}
[2F17] Tells Bart and Milhouse about the proposed Radioactive Man Film
[3F02] Dealer in souls
[3F07] Gives Bart a lesson in sarcasm
[3F13] Copying his screenplay
[3F16] Screening 'Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat' on the 75th
Anniversary of Itchy and Scratchy
[3F18] Sells Hamburglar comic to Milhouse
[4F03] Returning the Ultimate Belt
[4F12] At the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie signing
[4F12] Giving his opinion of Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie to Bart
[4F15] Accosted by Rex Banner
[4F16] Refuses to honour Bart's credit card
[5F02] Vaporised by a nuclear missile
[5F11] Downloading pornography from the internet
[5F19] Outside Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin's summer retreat
[AABF05] At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con
[AABF06] Getting his car washed
[AABF08] Part of the Superbowl bus excursion party
3. Minor Appearances
[9F21] Holds stall at the Springfield Swap Meet
[2F17] Plays slot-car racing with Otto
[3F10] Forces Bart into buying Mad Magazine Special Edition
[3F12] Leaving restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
[3F16] Sells Bart an antique Itchy drawing (CBG is only heard in this scene)
[3F20] Seen briefly as the bear is loaded onto the truck and again outside
the Immigration and Naturalization Service building
[3F23] Waving goodbye to the Simpsons
[4F03] Seen briefly at the burlesque house demolition
[4F07] Seen briefly at the Kwik E Mart buying provisions
[4F13] In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic
[5F04] Reject bachelor
[5F07] Empties the contents of The Simpsons cutlery drawer into his pants
[5F08] Seen briefly at the carnival
[5F23] Getting married at the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony
[5F16] Sitting on a Portaloo reading a copy of "Zebra Girl" {je}
[5F17] On a bus wearing a helmet and a t-shirt which reads "Dungeon Master"
{hl}
[5F21] Couch scene - sitting in The Simpsons living room eating popcorn
4. Items For Sale by the Comic Book Guy
[7F21] Radioactive Man #72
[7F21] Radioactive Man #9
[7F21] Radioactive Man #1
[7F21] Radioactive Man figurine
[7F21] Gutar comic
[7F21] Carl Yazstremski 1973 baseball card {hp}
[9F21] "S' Wonderful, S' Marvellous, S' Krusty" Album
[9F21] "Melvin and the Squirrels" Album
[9F21] "Spinal Tap" Album
[9F21] "Meet the Be Sharps" Album
[2F32] "Sax On The Beach" Album
[2F32] The Ultimate Pog
[2F17] Comics: Batboy; Birdguy; Mr. Smarty Pants; Catgirl; Dog Kid; Bat
Chick; Snake Kid; Power Person; Manboy; Nick; Treeman; Mr. Hop; Lava Lad;
The Human Bee; Mister Amazing; Star Dog; Iguana Girl; Radiation Dude;
Radioactive Man
[3F02] Alf Pogs
[3F02] Bart's Soul
[3F02] Krusty comic
[3F02] Mary Worth comic strip in which she has advised a friend to commit
suicide
[3F07] Bonestorm video game
[3F07] Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge video game
[3F10] Magazines: Sick; Mad Magazine Special Edition; Cracked; Sniff; Poot;
Punch
[3F16] Krusty lunchboxes; Happy Little Elves lunchboxes; Uncle Ant dolls;
Disgruntled Goat dolls; Ku Klux Klam dolls; Itchy figures; Scratchy figures;
Antique Itchy drawing
[3F18] Photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore
[3F18] Hamburglar comic
[3F18] Radioactive Man comic
[3F18] 'Atomic' cherry bombs
[4F03] Ultimate Belt
[4F16] Comics: Zebra Girl; Zillionaire; Zoidzilla
[4F16] Hardbound Radioactive Man collection
5. What Is The Comic Book Guy's Name?
This has been much debated on alt.tv.simpsons but the fact is that we still
haven't been told what the Comic Book Guy's name is. The closest we ever
came to finding out was in the [4F12] Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie episode
where CBG asked Homer to sign his autograph, "Can you make one out to me,
and three out to my friend of the same name". In the 10th Season Superbowl
episode "Sunday, Cruddy Sunday" Lisa actively refers to the Comic Book Guy
as "Comic Book Guy".
6. Comic Book Guy Quotes
[7F21] Three Men and a Comic Book
At the 12th Annual 'Close Encounters of a Comic Book Kind' Convention.
CBG: Tell you what. I'll show you something very special, if you promise to
put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep them there.
(CBG unlocks briefcase and opens it)
CBG: Behold.
Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man number one.
CBG: None other.
Bart: I bet it's worth a million bucks.
CBG: It is my lad, but I will let you have it for a hundred because you
remind me of me.
Bart: Aw, all I got is thirty.
CBG: Then you cannot have.
Bart: But I must. Until this moment I never knew why God put me on this
earth, but now I know, to buy that comicbook.
CBG: Your motion is out of place here, son.
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
CBG: Forty bucks?! Forget it! You made me get off my stool for that?
Martin: It's all I've got! I sold seeds, I visited my aunt in the nursery
home, I fished a dime out of the sewer for God's sake.
CBG: No way. (Turns to Bart) What do you want?
Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five.
CBG: No! No, freakin' kids. I do not need this, I've got a masters
degree in folklore mythology.
Milhouse: Excuse me. Do you have the Carl Yazstremski baseball card from
1973, when he had big sideburns? {hp}
CBG: Show me the thirty bucks, 'cos if you a'int got it, I a'int
getting off the stool.
(Milhouse waves thirty bucks in the air)
CBG: Okay.
(CBG goes to retrieve the baseball card)
Bart: Wait a minute. Martin, if you, Milhouse, and I went in together,
we could buy a copy of Radioactive Man number one right now.
Martin and Milhouse: Wow!
CBG: Here you go, mutton-chop Yaz.
Milhouse: I don't want it.
CBG: Freakin' kids.
Bart: Look pal, we've got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
Radioactive Man number one, so why don't you just waddle over there and get
it.
CBG: Yes sir.
Outside the shop
Bart: Wow! Breathe it in boys.
Martin: Ah, this is the stuff dreams are made of.
Milhouse: It smells like my Grampa.
Bart: Oh-oh, looks like rain. We'd better get this baby home.
(All three boys take different directions with one hand on the comic)
Bart: Oh-oh.
CBG: Looks like you bought more than you bargained for boys.
[9F21] Homer's Barbershop Quartet
At the Springfield Swap Meet
Bart: What the hell's this?
CBG: Melvin and the Squirrels, part of the rodent invasion of the early
sixties.
[2F32] 'Round Springfield
Lisa looks for Bleeding Gums Murphy's album
Lisa: Two hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that album to honour the
memory of Bleeding Gums Murphy.
CBG: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so.
(CBG crosses out $250 on the price tag and writes $500)
Lisa: Awww.
Bart spends some money
Bart: 'Scuse me, my good man, I have five hundred dollars to blow. What've
you got?
CBG: Behold, the ultimate Pog. (indicates the Steve Allen Pog)
Bart: I'll take it. (Bart hesitates as he sees Lisa walk by the shop)
Bart: Mmmm!
[2F17] Radioactive Man
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
CBG: So you kids fancy yourselves experts eh?
Bart: Well, between us we've read all eight hundred and fourteen issues
of Radioactive Man.
Milhouse: Yeah, and we both have a special limited edition issue where he
and Fallout Boy get killed on every page.
CBG: Well I suppose you know then that Hollywood is planning a
feature-film about Radioactive Man.
Bart and Milhouse: (hats fly upward) Gasp!
CBG: I have got to do something about that air conditioner suction.
Bart: Who's gonna play Radioactive Man?
CBG: I will tell you in exactly seven minutes.
(He moves to his computer)
CBG: Okay, here we are, alt dot nerd dot obsessive. Need know star RM
pic.
CBG and Otto are racing slot-cars
Bart: Have you seen Milhouse?
CBG: No. Now go away, we are racing for the title of Champion of the
Universe.
[3F02] Bart Sells His Soul
Bart waits for the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop to open
CBG: If you are waiting for the 'Hi and Lois' signing, you are too late. It
has been moved to the Springfield Colosseum.
Bart: Please, you have something of mine on a little piece of paper.
CBG: Oh, so you're Bart Simpson, eh. Well since my breakfast burrito is
congealing rapidly I will be blunt. I sold your soul last night. I found a
buyer right away for that item.
Bart: Who?
CBG: I am not at liberty to divulge the party, but they were most
interested in having possession of little boy's soul.
(Bart bangs his head repeatedly on the counter)
CBG: Er, excuse me. No banging your head on the display case please, it
contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit
suicide. Thank you.
[3F07] Marge Be Not Proud
Bart sees a sign in the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop window
Bart: (Gasps) 99 cents.
(Bart enters shop)
Bart: I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm, here's 99 cents.
CBG: Huh. Allow me to summarise the proposed transaction. You wish to
purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents, net profit to me, negative 59 dollars.
(CBG opens the till)
CBG: Oh, oh, please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it, it's yours.
(Bart reaches for the money)
CBG: Er, er, er. Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close
the register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.
Bart: Oh, then may I please rent it, please?
CBG: No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising amount of
Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.
Bart: Aww.
[3F10] Team Homer
Bart & Milhouse look at magazines
Bart: My God! The Mad Magazine Special Edition. They only put out
seventeen of these a year.
Milhouse: Boy! They're really sockin' it to that Spiro Agnew guy again, he
must work there or something.
Bart: Let's do the fold-in.
Milhouse: Okay. What higher power do TV evangelists worship?
Bart: I'll say God.
Milhouse: I'll say Jesus.
(They fold the magazine to reveal...)
Bart & Milhouse: The Almighty Dollar!
CBG: You fold it, you bought it.
[3F12] Bart The Fink
Leaves restaurant with a wheelbarrow full of tacos
CBG: Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.
[3F13] Lisa The Iconoclast
At 'The Copy Jalopy'
CBG: Question: Is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
CBG: Well then, I would thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, Homer.
And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will
know that you stole my idea.
Homer: I'm just waiting for my kid.
Homer's Brain: Mental note: steal his idea.
[3F16] The Day The Violence Died
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
(After a screening of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat)
Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy and Scratchy before?
CBG: Perhaps because you are a pre-pubescent ignoramus. This is a bootleg
copy of Itchy and Scratchy meet Fritz the Cat. Because of it's frank
depiction of sex and narcotic consumption, it is not for infantile
intellect, such as yours, now toodle-oo.
Bart: Aww.
(Bart and Lisa turn to leave. Bart sees a framed drawing of Itchy)
Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
CBG: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois because you are making me laugh.
That drawing is worth exactly 750 dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?!
CBG: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to
waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very
moment. Go, go, for the good of the city.
Bart: Loser.
Bart runs into Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
(Kerching of the cash register)
CBG: Thank you.
[3F18] 22 Short Films About Springfield
CBG is talking on the telephone
CBG: Yes, and one with extra cheese, thank you.
(CBG puts down the telephone as a distressed Milhouse enters the shop)
Milhouse: Can I use your bathroom?
CBG: No, you may not. The bathroom is for paying customers only, if you
purchase an item you may use the bathroom.
Milhouse: Aw, ok, how about that?
(Milhouse points to a framed photo)
CBG: That is a rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore, it is
worth one hundred and fifty dollars.
Milhouse: Aw, what can I get for 75 cents?
CBG: (sigh) You may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure. A
child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
(Milhouse pays for the comic as his father enters the shop)
Kirk: Er, Milhouse, what's going on? You said you just needed to use the
bathroom, now I find you buying comics.
CBG: Oh, our transaction is completed, you may take the boy.
Milhouse: Wait!
[3F23] You Only Move Twice
CBG waves goodbye to the Simpsons
CBG: Toodle-oo
[4F03] The Homer They Fall
At 'Miscellaneous Etc.' gadget store
CBG: Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote unquote,
Ultimate Belt.
Storekeeper: I see, do you have a receipt, quote unquote, sir?
CBG: I do not have a receipt, I won it as a door prize at the Star
Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical as
the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt.
Storekeeper: Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil
with the ladies.
CBG: Hey, I... Huh... Tha... Oh...
Storekeeper: Gee, I hate to let you down Casanova, but uh, no receipt, no
return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
CBG: Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I
dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
[4F12] The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
At the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
CBG: Ahem, your attention please.
I&S fan: Er, in the episode...
CBG: Er, your attention please. Mr. Simpson will now be autographing 8
by 10 glossies of Poochie. Please form a line, there will be no cutting. I'm
talking to you Mr. Cutter.
(CBG cuts to the front of the line)
CBG: Pardon me. Look out. Pardon me. Excuse me. Hot soup. Hi, can you
make one out to me and three out to my friend of the same name.
After the first episode of Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie
CBG: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode
ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my
disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
CBG: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free.
What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
CBG: Worst episode ever.
[4F13] My Sister, My Sitter
In the wheelbarrow line at Dr. Nick's clinic
CBG: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
[4F15] Homer Vs. The 18th Amendment
CBG is accosted by Rex Banner
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
CBG: Yes, but only by night. By day, I am a mild-mannered reporter
for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me tubby.
CBG: Tubby? Oh yes, tubby.
[4F16] The Canine Mutiny
Bart shops for comics
Bart: ...and Zebra Girl, and Zillionaire, and Zoidzilla.
CBG: And will there be any more spurging today?
Bart: Oh my, yes. Mmmm. I'll take that hardbound Radioactive Man collection.
CBG: Ah, a superb choice. In volume two Radioactive Man travels through
time to defeat Jesse Owen in the 1936 Olympic Games.
Bart: Put it all on my credit card my good man.
CBG: Oh, pardon me Santos, if that is your real name, Bart Simpson, but
your phoney credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants and split.
Bart: Awww.
[5F02] Treehouse Of Horror VIII - The Homega Man
CBG walks along the road reading a comic book
CBG: But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills, you're from two
different worlds.
(CBG sees missile approaching)
CBG: Oh, I've wasted my life.
[5F23] The Joy Of Sect
CBG attends the Movementarians mass marriage ceremony
CBG: (to new bride) So, do you enjoy comic books?
[5F11] Das Bus
CBG sits at his computer
CBG: Oh, Captain Janeway. Lace: The Final Brassiere. Oh hurry up, I'm a
busy man. Ugh, this high-speed modem is intolerably slow. (The download is
interrupted by a banner advertisement) Hey, what the? Huh, the Internet
King. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity.
(scene changes to Homer's office)
Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
CBG: I'm interested in upgrading my twenty eight point eight kilobaud
internet connection to a one point five megabit fibre-optic T-1 line. Will
you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring
Ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: (after long pause) Can I have some money now?
[5F16] King Of The Hill
CBG sits on a Portaloo reading "Zebra Girl"
CBG: Oh, it appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.
[5F17] Lost Our Lisa {hl}
CBG sits on a bus wearing a helmet
Lisa: May I have that seat?
CBG: Yes. If you can answer me these questions three. Question the first...
Lisa: Never mind.
[5F21] The Wizard Of Evergreen Terrace - Couch Scene
CBG sits in The Simpsons living room eating popcorn
Homer: (Steals some popcorn from CBG) Mmmm.
CBG: Hey!
[5F19] When You Dish Upon A Star
Outside the home of the celebrities
CBG: Alec, Alec, regarding that so called "silent" propulsion system in "The
Hunt For Red October", I printed out a list of technical errors which I
think you'd enjoy discussing.
[AABF05] Mayored To The Mob
At the Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con
CBG: Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spiderman" in with the "Peter Parker -
The Spectacular Spiderman" series. This will not stand.
Woman: Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious cash offer for this stack
of water damaged Little Lulus.
CBG: Huh, "A" that is not water, it is Diet Mr. Pib, and "B" I... (CBG
turns to look at the woman) Ohh... Err... Tell me, how do you feel about 45
year old virgins who still live with their parents?
Woman: Comb the Sweet Tarts out of your beard and you're on.
CBG: Don't try to change me baby.
[AABF06] Viva Ned Flanders
At the car wash
CBG: I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and
humorous bumper stickers, particularly this one (he indicates a sticker
which reads "My Other Car Is A Millennium Falcon") which was given to me by
a Harrison Ford lookalike.
Other bumper stickers
The Truth Is In Here
I Brake For Tribbles
Kang Is My Co-Pilot
My Child Is An Honor Student At Starfleet Academy
Keep Honking, I'm Charging My Phaser
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CONTRIBUTORS
hp - HndsomPete (Hndso...@aol.com)
mjs - Mike Smith (mjs...@brightok.net)
hl - Haynes Lee (hay...@snpp.com)
je - Jordan Eisenburg (JEd...@aol.com)
Paul Buxton http://www.kampkrusty.demon.co.uk
pa...@kampkrusty.demon.co.uk pa...@snpp.com
S1.2 OFF++ FRI+++ f+++ n++ Ilpswo $++++ 7F07, 3F05 M33
"But nothing Marge! She's a heifer, plain and simple." - Homer