[list] Cool Apu Quotes... (repost)
Dave Hall
Cool Apu Quotes...
Compiled by Dave Hall (dave...@cyberspc.mb.ca)
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Compiled from 10 zillion alt.tv.simpsons articles, and verified when
possible from the episode capsules, the following are Apu quotes and scenes
everyone seems to love...
"Ah, my old Squishee machine. And my scum bucket with fly!"
"An all syrup Super Squishy? Oh, such a thing has never been done."
"Are there any women here?"
"Are you a beautiful woman?"
"At last, I finally have a garment fine enough to be married in."
"Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle."
"Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have
51% of the carcass!"
"By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie."
"Don't you kids take anything. I'm watching you. I've got eyes in the back
of my head."
"Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honour."
"Everybody to my place for blueberry squishies and microwave burritos."
"He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the
best damned employee a convenience store ever had."
"Here's a pointer. Try to take it in the shoulder."
"Hey! Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You
leave me no choice but to...ask you nicely again."
"Hey! Hey! Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game."
"Hey! hey! This is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that
thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!"
"Hindu! There are 700 million of us."
"Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on
the dairy products!"
"I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment."
"I'm Sgt. Pepper's Lone Heart's club v'an. I hope I will enjoy my show."
"I have been shot eight times this year. As a result, I almost missed
work."
"I take it from your yelling that you like my tofu dogs?"
"I won't lie to you. On this job, you will be shot at."
"If you survive, please come again!"
"In a few minutes, I tried to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head."
"Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me."
"Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices."
"Mrs. Simpson, I--I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual
depantsing."
"My ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than who is about
to shoot me."
"Nickel off on expired baby food."
"No offense, but we're putting the bitch on ice."
"Now this is just between me and you...smashed hat."
"Oh, hello Mrs. Homer. I brought an assortment of jerky."
"Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you!"
"Oh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave."
"Okay, don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth."
"Ooh, she's gotta have it!"
"Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin.
Almost sensuous."
"Oooo, a headbag. These are chock full of...heady goodness."
"Please don't offer my God a peanut!"
"Please throw the dice now, please, now."
"Relax, please. You do not have anything I have not seen before."
"Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the
Windex."
"Shiva H. Vishnu!"
"Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie."
"Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run."
"Stop him dead, little girl!"
"Such a mighty wallop."
"Thank you for coming. I'll see you in Hell."
"Thank you for knocking over my inventory. Please come again."
"There she is--the world's first convenience store! Surprisingly
expensive!"
"This is not as hot a party as I anticipated."
"This store is open 24 hours a day. It puts great demands on my time."
"Today, I am no longer an Indian living in America."
"Tweeeeeeeeeee.....tweeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my
ribs..."
"Will this bewitching floozy, seduce this humble newsie? Oh, what's a
paperboy to...doooo?"
"You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero
is long gone."
"You can really taste the Chutney!"
"You ducks are really trying my patience...but you're sooo cute!"
"You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation."
"You're hired. Oh, how I dreamed the day would come when one of you would
be working for me."
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Some Apu Scenes (verified from the episode capsules when possible)...
[7G12]
Krusty: [holding a gun] Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery.
I do work in a convenience store, you know.
[7F18]
I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.
I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu,
pushed too far by convenience store bandits.
I call it "Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey".
[8F17]
Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run.
Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with
my wife.
Apu: I promise nothing.
[9F01]
Homer: No offence Apu, but when they're handing out religions you must be
out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again.
[9F09]
Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are
responsible for his wretched health?
Customer: Give me some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
[9F21]
Apu: [introducing himself] Apu Nahasapeemapetilan.
Nigel: Hmmm. Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu
de Beaumarchais.
Apu: That is a great dishonour to my ancestors and my god...but okay!
[1F10]
Apu: There she is -- the world's first convenience store!
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you dump on everything we do?
[1F10]
Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for
squealing, but then I realised, it was _I_ who wronged _you_. So
I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're...selling _what_, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the
cosmos. [slams the door]
Apu: He's got me there.
[1F10]
Inspector: Apu Nahasapeemapetilan, you have disgraced the Kwik-E-Mart
Corporation.
Apu: But, sir, I was only following standard procedure.
Inspector: Ah, true. But it's _also_ standard procedure to blame any
problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.
Apu: Uh huh, and if I can obtain for you these animals?
[3F03]
Lisa: Wow, a secret staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a
non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up.
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Dave Hall (dave...@cyberspc.mb.ca) <http://www.cyberspc.mb.ca/~davehall/>
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R.H.
You didnt include my favorite
Apu: "Young man, you are making a mockery of our self-serve policy"--when
Bart was filling a self-serve squishy to the top
--------> Rami H
>>email: e0fk...@credit.erin.utoronto.ca
Nat Mastick
Don't forget "Oh, I see you are only ARRANGED to be married!"
Nat
Dave Hall
jwil...@bway.net wrote:
>Sorry my learned friend but you've missed the best Apu line of all:
>
>Apu to Marge:
>
>"Please do not offer my God a peanut."
Apu never said that line to Marge, it was Homer and I have already
included it in the list.
--
``Don't correct the man, Brat!''
-- Homer Simpson
jwil...@bway.net
Sorry my learned friend but you've missed the best Apu line of all:
Apu to Marge:
"Please do not offer my God a peanut."
GONZ13
Don't worry. I will tell everyone that you were Untouchable.