[FANSCRIPT]: "Marge the Missionary" Act II
ChaiTheDog
(Int. Marge's car. Marge is driving and attempting to make a new man out of
Barney. Barney is riding along.)
Marge: First off, Barney, you are never going to drink another beer again.
Barney: Why not?
Marge: While you're sober, think about all you don't have because you've
devoted all your time to being an inebriate.
Barney: Oh. I've already done that. Okay. What else?
Marge: Read the Bible a few times. It'll do wonders... er... but be sure to not
snub people who don't read the Bible, mind you.
Barney: I don't have one.
Marge (reluctantly) : Here, have mine. Here's a hundred dollars, so you can
check into a motel for a few nights.
Barney: Geez, lady. You must be pretty generous to give a rat like me all this
stuff.
Marge: (mind obviously elsewhere) Think nothing of it.
Barney: All right. But how do I get a reasonable amount of money?
Marge You get a job.
Barney: I had one, a while ago, but they fired me.
Marge: Well, do you have a resume?
Barney: Yeah, sure. Everyone keeps their resume on them. Here's mine. (Barney
pulls a stained piece of paper out of his pocket. It is crumpled and torn.)
(Marge reads the resume as she drives.)
Marge: Drunk... 1977 to present. Well, most employers want more than that. But
it's worth a shot. Just have faith and I'm sure you'll do fine at any job
interview.
Barney: You mean, you want me to pray to God before I apply?
Marge: It wouldn't hurt. Be confident. Here. (pulls into a fast food place.) Go
in and put your best face forward.
Barney: I don't think I can do it. I'm a loser.
Marge: You're not a loser. You can repent. You CAN do good. Everyone deserves a
second chance, Barney Gumble. And here's yours. You can either take it, and
maybe make something of your pathetic existence, or you can hole up for the
rest of your life in a boozehouse with the low-lifes of the world. Your choice.
Barney: Marge, please get out of this parking lot. This fast food dive is no
place for me.
Marge: Oh Barney...
Barney: NO! I mean, I'm gonna start at the top! Take me to the highest research
lab in the city of Springfield!
Marge: That's more like it... although there's really only one resea... well,
it doesn't matter.
(Homer is sweating profusely and driving like a maniac. Bart and Lisa are
watching nervously out the windows as angry pedestrians shout and angry drivers
honk their horns.)
Jasper: Damn teenagers!
Homer: Oh, Marge, where are you?!!!!!
Lisa: Dad, is killling all of us going to help get Marge back?
Bart: Where are we going? This is stupid.
Homer: Where are we going?! We're going to find Marge! She's been abducted, I
know it!
Bart: That has yet to be proven.
Homer (calmly): Lisa, look, you know it. I know it. I'm an emotional man. I'm
weak. I'm sensitive. And, therefore, it is first and foremost, although I
sometimes don't show it, on my list of priorities that the family remains
together, that the family REMAINS TOGETHER!.
Lisa: Dad, you forgot Maggie at home.
(Homer looks around and sees that he did indeed leave Maggie at home.)
Homer: OH CRAP! MAGGIE! We have to go home for a minute, kids. There's no
telling what sort of trouble that baby has gotten into.
(Ragtime music begins to play. Cut to the Simpson house, which is now full of
babies. Maggie is playing poker with a group of five local kids. One little boy
smiles and puts down a full house. Maggie angrily slams the cards on to the
floor. The camera pans left. In the background, Baby Herman (from "Who Framed
Roger Rabbit") smokes a cigarette and flips a coin. The baby from "Family Guy"
chases Baby Gerald with a ray gun. Several scantily clad female babies dance a
burlesque on the kitchen table. Two soused babies engage in a barroom fight,
while spectators watch, making baby noises. A baby flexes his muscles at some
girls. A baby with an ace up his sleeve counts his money. All the babies turn
and look towards the front door. They hear Homer's car enter the driveway. All
of them leave through the back door. Overhead shot of the Simpson house.
Rugrats flee in all directions.)
(The ragtime music ceases as Homer enters the house. It is silent. He quietly
walks up the stairs, sees Maggie asleep in her crib, and picks her up.)
Homer: Yoink. And no one's the wiser.
(As Homer exits the house w/Maggie, Maggie gives a sneaky smile to the camera.)
(Barney is sitting with Prof. John Frink.)
Frink: Mm-hay. Do you have any credentials? Anything?
Barney: Umm... I believe that a creative mind is the most important credential.
Frink: (scoffing noise) Wblahay, creative mind. Why, your intellect is... so
inferior, it.... quite disturbing. GLAY! I myself, on the other hand, hold the
patents for eighty-five stunning new inventions, including low-efficiency
gasoline, a clay shirt, an electric bowling ball, and a card game that uses 52
aces. Plus, a birth control pill that works for thirty years! There's no way
you'll ever work under me, mm-bleh.
Barney: Oh. But, I believe in God.
(Frink looks disgusted.)
(Barney is thrown from the lab.)
Barney: Ouch. My bum.
(Barney walks into Mr. Burns' office.)
Mr. Burns: Oh, great, Smithers. Another insoluble rat dispenser. Well, sit
down, you blubbery pile of walrus droppings. Give me your pathetic stimulus for
demanding a position here at our facility.
Barney: (now intensely jarred.) Uh... well, I... don't complain, I'm a good
team worker. I studied Physics my senior year in high school.... almost
passed...
Mr. Burns: Quit stammering, Mr. Limbaugh! I know why you want a job. You suffer
from a humongous impetus to xertz your liquor, you drunkulous monolith! Now get
out of my office! You're fired!
Barney: Oh, nuts. Fired before I even started working.
(A bright, happy chord plays, as Barney stands proudly in the police station,
wearing a police officer's uniform.)
Wiggum: (offstage) Hey! Who the hell took my suit?
Lou: (offstage) Look, chief. I think that weirdo took it.
Eddie (offstage): Let's chase him so we can beat the crap out of him.
(Police officers chase Barney offscreen.)
(Barney sits in a television studio. A well-to-do man holds a briefcase filled
with money.)
TV Guy: Mr. Gumble, we're with PBS. We want to pay you 10 grand a week to watch
the McLaughlin Group every day. Do you accept?
Barney: What are you, nuts?
(Barney is in the Springfield Retirement Castle.)
Grampa: I'll pay you half my social security to listen to me whine. You kin
start now. Ohhhhhh, I hurt. What's with these younguns these days? I got
bunions the size of onions! I got corns that feel like thorns. I've got
chancres the size of tankers! Man, times are awful, with our evil president in
power. Back in my day, everyone was good and generous. Now look. They charge
you eighty dollars an hour, just to buy a coke. Back in my day, you could get a
coke for...
Barney: This is the worst job of them all. Goodbye.
(Barney slumps forlornly as Marge drives.)
Marge: Cheer up, Barney. You can't let a few losses get you down. Remember, you
can do it. I know you can.
Barney: There's something very rejecting about getting turned down by five jobs
within the better minute.
Marge: Don't let it get you down. This is America. Land of the free. God smiles
upon this country. Every half-wit in this country has a job, and I'm sure you
can find one.
(Barney sees a cheesy motel.)
Barney: Drop me off here. I wanna get some sleep. Thanks for trying.
Marge: Don't give up, Barney. I've faith in you. Try to read your Bible. And
whatever you do, don't drink ANYTHING!
Barney: But I'll get dehydrated.
Marge: Anything alcoholic, that is. Good night.
Barney: Night.
(Homer is careening across Springfield. Maggie is sitting in a baby seat
between Bart and Lisa. He slams on his brakes and rolls down his window. That
salesman-type-guy-who-talks-with-a-New-Yorkish-accent stands on the sidewalk.)
Homer: Mister, you have to help me! My wife's been abducted by space monsters!
Can you give me directions to Outer Rigellia?
STGWTWANYA: Yeah, sure, buddy. Try going up. (laughs) But seriously though, you
take a left at the next light, go straight for three blocks and then take the
next right. Three miles later, you should be there.
Homer: Thanks, mister. (begins to rolls up window, realizes something) HEY!
Wait a minute! That's the mental institution!
STGWTWANYA: Oooo, sorry mister. It looks like you've got me. Sorry I can't give
you any assistance.
Homer: Well, would you like to get in, and help me look for her?
STGWTWANYA: Of course. I love entering the vehicles of deranged lunatics at
11:00 at night. Makes a day complete, let me tell you. (Calmly opens passenger
door and enters. Homer slams on the gas again.)
Lisa: Dad, was there any purpose to picking up this guy?
Homer: Of course, honey. This man speaks Outer Rigellian.
Bart: Really?
STGWTWANYA: Yes, and I also am fluent in Slyptonish, Fleedleflazen, and other
nonexistent languages. (Bart gives an ired look)
Bart: Dad, as much as I hate to say this, shouldn't we go home? I mean, it's a
whole lot of fun careening down the road at 100 miles per hour with some
sarcastic loon you picked up for no reason, but I have school in the morning...
Never thought I'd say that.
Lisa: Yeah, there isn't a lick of evidence that points to foul play. Let's just
go home, and I'm sure mom will be there.
Homer: You're right, kids. Looks like there's nothing we can do. (kicks
STGWTWANYA out the window.)
STGWTWANYA: Ouch. That really hurt. No really. It did.
Homer: Maybe her car will be in the driveway when we get home.
Lisa: Maybe.
(When they get back home, Marge's car is not in the driveway. A scary chord
plays.)
(Homer, Bart, and Lisa enter the house and sit on the landing sadly.)
(Marge walks through the door.)
Marge: Hi, I'm back!
Homer: Oh Marge! Where did you go?
Marge: Well, I left a note...but anyways, (to Lisa) I thought about what you
said, and I realized that you're right, so in an attempt to make it up to you
and society, I'm trying to help Barney Gumble, the most atheist man I've ever
met, get a new start.
Homer: Like that's gonna happen.
Marge: No. He's doing a whole lot better. He's making an improvement. He hasn't
drunk anything since noon.
Homer: Poor Barney.
Marge: You kids should go to bed. It's almost midnight. You have school
tomorrow.
Bart & Lisa: Goodnight, mom.
Marge: Goodnight.
(Bart & Lisa exit.)
Homer: Ohh... why do you have to change Barney? He's fine the way he is,
intoxicated and harmless.
Marge: I feel I need to. Like there's some divine force telling me I should.
Homer: But Barney's not bad the way he is. He's just a loser.
Marge: I'm trying to make him 'not be' a loser. Besides, Homer, beer has caused
you all sorts of harm.
Homer: No it hasn't.
Marge: Sure it has. Remember that time in 1988?
(Cut to Moe's Tavern. Homer, with more hair than he does now, sits, quite
soused, on a stool. An extremely buxom woman sits on his right, and a husky,
muscle-bound Hell's angel (roadster) sits to her right. Homer cannot keep his
eyes off the young woman.)
Hell's Angel: (to Homer) Hey, buddy! Are you staring at my woman?
Homer (irrational, disoriented) Hell yeah.
(The roadster stands up quickly, his hulking 7' mass looming over Homer. The
barstool he was sitting on falls over. Cut back to Simpson House.)
Homer: Actually, I DON'T remember that.
Marge: You were in a coma for eight weeks. And, another time, when you had that
fever of 103? You drank a six-pack in eight minutes.
Homer: The doctor said to drink plenty of liquids.
Marge: Not THOSE kinds of liquids, Homer. Then, when we tried to take your
temperature, you ate the thermometer! You passed out and we had to send you to
the hospital AGAIN. You worry me so much.
Homer: Mmmm, mercury.
Marge: Well, you can't stop me. I'm going to make a better man out of Barney. I
promised him I would, I've no intention of breaking that promise.
(Cut to the motel at which Barney is staying.)
Marge: So, Barney, did you read the Bible?
Barney: Yeah, it was quite profound. It was reminiscent of Hemingway in the
graphic symbolism throughout. That God character seemed a bit too pretentious
for my liking though. I'll give it an 8 out of 10.
Marge: Okayyyyy... so, do you think you're ready to become a Christian?
Barney: Sure.
(Cut to the church. Lovejoy is rehearsing a eulogy.)
Lovejoy: Benjamin Richard Morkinson died a happy man, no no. Too personable.
'Passed away'. there, that's better. Benjamin Richard Morkinson passed away a
happy man...
(Cut to a desolate area. Two men are standing on the edge of a cliff.)
Man #1: (Telling a joke) ...TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!
(The second man burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.)
Man #2: WAAHHAHAHA OTHER SIDE!! HARHAR! (He falls off the cliff.) AAAAAAAAHHH!
Man #1: Oh my god! Ben!
(Cut back to Lovejoy.)
Lovejoy: ...a happy man, at the age of 42, the same age as his older brother
Gene, another happy man.
(Cut to a metropolitan sidewalk. Gene walks along the sidewalk musically.)
Gene: (Grabbing lamppost) Hello, lamppost. Whatcha knowin'? I've.. (The
lamppost crashes down on top of Gene.)
(Back to Lovejoy again.)
Lovejoy: 'We have gathered here today to honor this wonderful...' Well, he
wasn't really wonderful. (Enter Marge.) Oh, hi Marge.
Marge: Hello, Reverend. This is Barney Gumble. He would like to become a
member.
Lovejoy: Hallelujah. We could always use a slob in our church. Alrighty. Mr.
Gumble, do you reject Satan?
Barney: Why would I do that? Satan has feelings too.
Lovejoy: Uh-huh. (Lovejoy now obviously has lost faith in Barney.) Tell me,
what is the most common word in the Bible?
Barney: Um, Jesus?
Lovejoy: And, what of religion am I?
Barney: Uh... Quaker?
Lovejoy: Quaker?!
(Marge and Barney stand outside the church.)
Marge: Well, you made it! Congratulations.
Barney: Thanks. Marge, you've made me into a new man. You know, that motel I
stayed at offered me a job. They'll pay me a dollar an hour. That's eight
dollars a day, which is as much as I pay for the room I'm sleeping in! I'm back
on my feet, and it's all thanks to you, Marge. If you ever need anything, I'll
be happy to help you.
Marge: Don't thank me, thank God.
Barney: I'll thank Him later.
Marge: Buh-bye. My what a charming ending. I wonder what other exhilarating
events shall befall me on this lovely Monday morn.
Barney: See ya. I won't ever drink alcohol again.
(Cut to Moe, hundreds of miles away, sleeping in his hotel room. He wakes up
suddenly.)
Moe: Don't do it. Don't say it, Barney! No. No! NOOOOOO!!!!!
End of Act II.
SurgeDies
>salesman-type-guy-who-talks-with-a-New-Yorkish-accent
Is that the one who made fun of CBG when he tried to return the "ultimate belt"
and told Lisa her hamster wrote mysteries under the name of J.D. McGregor?
Jenn~*
ChaiTheDog
knew. He's just a voice. He's had a different body in every episode in which
he's appeared.
Andrew Gill
<19990321104544...@ng-fz1.aol.com>...
Maybe we should call him Mr. Death.
--
|Andrew A. Gill |I posted to Silent-Tristero and|
|<fruadman_tru...@juno.com> |all I got was this stupid sig! |
|alt.tv.simpsons CBG-FAQ author | |
| (Report all obscene mail to Le Maitre Pots)|
|<http://www.geocities.com/ResearchTriangle/7399> Temporary sig: --
Now, see who gets *that* reference!
Curtis Gibby
Andrew Gill <fruadman_tru...@juno.com> wrote in message
news:01be73ce$0d6f2e80$a1487680@hal-9000...
>
> Maybe we should call him Mr. Death.
>
Not me. I like Generic Clerk, which is how he's been identified in a few
capsules.
Curtis
-------------------------
"They were the suckiest bunch
of sucks that ever sucked!"
Joey AKA Gary
--
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Joey Jo-Jo Jr. Shabadoo (also known as Gary Wilson)
www.come.to\spyland
====================================================