What happened to the quote files?
Kelly Larson
to compile after every episode? I used to faithfully append each new
batch of simpsons quotes to my ever growing simpsons quotes file...
but it hasn't grown any now since quote #1338 from the 'Lisa the
Greek' episode. Has anybody out there been extracting quotes from the
capsules? Am I the only one who was collecting these things? Inquiring
minds want to know...
===============================================================================
/\ | / / \ | /\
Kelly Larson /\ / \ /\ | / / \ | /\/
k...@hpeskdl.fc.hp.com / \/ \ \/\| | /-\ /-\ | |\/ \
Engineering Systems Lab / / \ / | | / / /__/ | |/ \/
Hewlett Packard Company / / / | \ / / | \
/ COLORADO! / | \ / / |
===============================================================================
Dave
>but it hasn't grown any now since quote #1338 from the 'Lisa the
>Greek' episode. Has anybody out there been extracting quotes from the
>capsules? Am I the only one who was collecting these things? Inquiring
>minds want to know...
No, you're not the only one - I also haven't seen them since 1338.
I think the guy who was doing it got too busy, but before he resigned
he posted the script he was using to extract the quotes, so I guess if
someone really wanted to do it they could.
--
Dave Fischer att!hou2h!davef or da...@hou2h.ATT.COM
"You have left the New Jersey Turnpike. Obey local speed laws."
Raymond Chen
>No, you're not the only one - I also haven't seen them since 1338.
Here's the script:
sed '1,/^> Quote/d' $2|awk 'BEGIN{q='"$1"'}/^=/&&NR>2{exit}/^$/{f=0}/^[^%=]/{if(!f)++q;f=1;printf"%5d%%%s\n",q,$0}'
That's one long line.
I am actually quite disappointed that people just extract and append.
This means that they miss out on the changes (sometimes significant) in
the capsule updates, leading to the one thing I fear most: Outdated
information. Some of my typos have been quite embarrassing, and it's
even more embarrassing when I fix the typo, but nobody picks up on it.
That's why I have the wacky redistribution requirement, to make sure
nobody distributes outdated versions.
Quick exercise: Type the following
grep -s bidos quotesfile && echo Aaaaargh
If it prints "Aaaaargh", then you need to update your quotes file.
What everyone ought to do is chuck the quotes file and rebuild it
from scratch every month or so.
--
Raymond "What a kick in the teeth!"[7F22] Chen
Thomas A. Warren
A while ago, I offered to take over the job
as the curator of the simpsons quotes from
John Connelly who resigned to the real world.
Yep.. to get a job! :)
In article <1992May5.1...@Princeton.EDU>, r...@onion.princeton.edu (Raymond Chen) writes:
> In article <1992May5.1...@cbnewsh.cb.att.com> d...@cbnewsh.cb.att.com (Dave) writes:
> >No, you're not the only one - I also haven't seen them since 1338.
>
> Here's the script:
>
> sed '1,/^> Quote/d' $2|awk 'BEGIN{q='"$1"'}/^=/&&NR>2{exit}/^$/{f=0}/^[^%=]/{if(!f)++q;f=1;printf"%5d%%%s\n",q,$0}'
>
Yes, this is a nifty little script that was posted a while back.
> I am actually quite disappointed that people just extract and append.
Yep.. me too.
> This means that they miss out on the changes (sometimes significant) in
> the capsule updates, leading to the one thing I fear most: Outdated
> information. Some of my typos have been quite embarrassing, and it's
> even more embarrassing when I fix the typo, but nobody picks up on it.
> That's why I have the wacky redistribution requirement, to make sure
> nobody distributes outdated versions.
> What everyone ought to do is chuck the quotes file and rebuild it
> from scratch every month or so.
That's why I have a script to re-tabulate the quotes from scratch.
I'll post the master list after this... Stay tune...
-
Tom Warren Email: t...@springfield.bellcore.com 1-908-699-2896
Bellcore RRC-5H127 444 Hoes Lane Piscataway NJ 08855 USA
Thomas A. Warren
I have compiled a master list of the simpsons quotes.
As the curator of the simpsons quotes, I will send the `quote'
update every month or so. If the previous capsules were to
remain unchanged, I will send ONLY the `quote' update for the
new episodes. All you have to do is to append it to your
current list. Otherwise, the new master list will be posted.
Right now, we have 1773 Simpsons quotes!!!! The master
list is to follow in 10 parts... Stay tune for details.
Notice I'm missing the capsules for
7g09 Call of the Simpsons
7g10 Homer's Night Out
7g11 Jacques to be Wild (AKA: Life In the Fast Lane)
7g13 The Crepes of Wrath
thus the above episodes are not included. I don't know why the
above episodes are missing.. I believe Raymond Chen just has
not got around to them yet. (one of these days he will :)
I have also checked the cs.widener.edu archive and the episodes
mentioned above are not there.
Below is the current listing of the starting quote number of each
episode.
Episode Starting Number
7f01 1
7f02 27
7f03 62
7f04 73
7f05 84
7f06 115
7f07 148
7f08 183
7f09 216
7f10 253
7f11 296
7f12 336
7f13 377
7f14 424
7f15 455
7f16 485
7f17 526
7f18 545
7f19 588
7f20 614
7f21 651
7f22 683
7f23 716
7f24 744
7g01 794
7g02 818
7g03 843
7g04 883
7g05 938
7g06 970
7g07 1001
7g08 1019
7g12 1039
8f01 1080
8f02 1119
8f03 1161
8f04 1199
8f05 1253
8f06 1293
8f07 1345
8f08 1361
8f09 1400
8f10 1425
8f11 1471
8f12 1494
8f13 1545
8f14 1570
8f15 1597
8f17 1621
8f19 1644
8f20 1668
8f21 1709
8f22 1740
We now have 1773 quotes!!!!
Thomas A. Warren
Part 1 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part1"
====================== Begin of Part 1 of 10 =========================
1%Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything?
1%Lisa: Not yet, sir.
1%Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait?
1%Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I who feel the tranquility
1% outweights the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
1%Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son?
1%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
1%Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton, I'm an investigative reporter who's
1% on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk
1% that way to our elders.
1%Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
1% [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises]
1% All right! We eat tonight!
1%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
2%Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole
2%* Is Power Plant Responsible?
2%------------------------------------------------
2%Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms
2%------------------------------------------------
2%Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility
2%------------------------------------------------
2%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
2% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
3%Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole?
3%* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap
3%------------------------------------------
3%Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns!
3%------------------------------------------
3%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines,
3% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
4%Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to step in
4% and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.
4%Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find
4% better things to do with my time.
4%Marge: Like what?
4%Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday
4% back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry]
4% What a ripoff! I bust my butt day in and day out...
4%Marge: You're late for work, Homer.
4%Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me.
4%Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad.
4%Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer!
4%Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you...
4%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
5%Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy]
5%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
5% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
6%Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
6%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
6% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
7%Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
7%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
7% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
8%Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly]
8% Uh, just resting my eyes!
8%Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
8%-- The nuclear power plant inspection,
8% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
9%Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy,
9% deplorable...
9%Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and
9% thousands of dollars lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh,
9% Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we
9% return, the pile of money will be gone.
9% [leaves, waits, then returns]
9% Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are
9% still here.
9%Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying
9% to bribe me.
9%Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
9% [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets]
9% Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!
9%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
9% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
10%Smithers: [computing how much it'll cost to fix the plant]
10% Fifty-six million dollars.
10%Burns: Fifty-six million!
10%Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir.
10%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection,
10% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
11%Burns: Running for public office is too expensive for an honest man.
11%Homer: Well, <you> could afford it.
11%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
12%An election!? Ah no, isn't that one of those deals where they close the bars?
12%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
13%Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.
13%Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal?
13% I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion,
13% you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
13%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
13% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
14%Advisor: ... and smile, sir!
14%Burns: [view from back of head] I <am> smiling!
14%Advisor: You're going to have to do better than that.
14%Burns: [grunt, grunt]
14%Advisor: There you go!
14%Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace]
14% Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!
14%-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement,
14% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
15%Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.
15%Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.
15%Homer: Oh yea? Well, <I'm> a Burns Booster.
15% [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow!
15%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement,
15% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
16%Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey
16%Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey.
16%Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns.
16%Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns.
16%-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign,
16% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
17%Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are
17% up six points.
17%Burns: Ah, giving me a total of...
17%Advisor: Six.
17%-- Burns runs for governor,
17% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
18%Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state
18% are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their
18% intelligence and good judgement.
18%Reporter: Interesting strategy.
18%-- The gubernatorial campaign,
18% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
19%Bart: Is your boss governor yet?
19%Homer: Not yet, son, not yet.
19%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
20%Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.
20%Burns: Hot dog!
20%Advisor: But there's a down-side to it.
20% The latest polls say you're in danger of losing touch with
20% the common man.
20%Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!
20%-- Burns runs for governor,
20% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
21%Homer: Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns is eating dinner over here tomorrow night.
21%Marge: No, he's not. I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.
21%Homer: Kids, leave the room. I don't want you to see this.
21%Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away]
21%Homer: [on his knees] Oh, please please please please please please...
21%-- The power of persuasion,
21% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
22%Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime
22% tomorrow?
22%Lisa: `Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway
22% freight train. Why are you so popular?'
22%Advisor: Very good.
22%Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage
22% my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one
22% day render it uninhabitable?
22%Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine.
22%Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid...
22%Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure
22% she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
22%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt,
22% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
23%Bart: Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
23%Media: Gasp!
23%-- Saying grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
24%YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!
24%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
25%Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the
25% election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to
25% go to jail. That's democracy for you.
25%Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
25%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
26%Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? I don't like
26% the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing
26% to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't
26% you make it better, huh?
26%Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on
26% desert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on
26% weekends, no one man can destroy them.
26%Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up]
26%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish''
27%TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler?
27%Homer: Hitler!
27%Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota?
27%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
28%TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?
28%[all four simultaneously]
28%Bart: Blue! Orange! Red! Purple!
28%Patty: [bored] Green.
28%Selma: [bored] Green.
28%Homer: Yellow! Red! White! Black! Green!
28%Contestant: [pause] Green.
28%Homer: I was right!
28%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah''
29%Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to.
29%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
30%For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza,
30%Hair City, Utah.
30%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah''
31%Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough!
31%Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration
31%product in the trash]
31%-- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
32%We do have a product that is more in your price range. However, I must
32%assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be
32%purely coincidental.
32%-- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah''
33%Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint...
33% [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing.
33% [leaves, crying]
33%[at the nuclear plant]
33%Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing!
33% And I storm right out of there.
33%-- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah''
34%Dry fish-sticks! This sucks!
34%-- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah''
35%Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
35%Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
35%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
36%Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the
36%jackpot?
36%-- One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance
36% form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
37%Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen.
37%-- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah''
38%Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern!
38%Barney: Hey, it's the president!
38%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
39%Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
39%Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it.
39%Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar!
39%Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him]
39%Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh.
39%Marge: Oh, Ooh!
39%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
40%Patty: This is Homer? Oh, my!
40%Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling.
40%Patty: Look who's talking.
40%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah''
41%Burns: None of these cretins deserves a promotion!
41%Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within
41% per year.
41%Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter?
41%Smither: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more
41% dynamic and resourceful.
41%Burns: Simpson, eh?
41%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
42%Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive.
42%Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to
42%room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
42%-- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah''
43%Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough...
43%-- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
44%Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's
44% only a matter of time until they find you out.
44%Homer: Gasp! Who told you?
44%Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders,
44% the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself
44% in bargain-basement lime-green polyester.
44%-- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah''
45%Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high
45% worker accident rate.
45%Burns: [expels breath] Any suggestions?
45%Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots.
45%Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler.
45%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
46%Burns: How would you improve the worker situation?
46%Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when
46% the cafeteria would serve fish sticks...
46%Burns: Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about?
46%Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of
46% the sticks [sic]. Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it...
46%-- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah''
47%Let them have their tar-tar sauce!
47%-- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah''
48%You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself
48%is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level is
48%just as high as during Simpson's last vacation.
48%-- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah''
49%Oh, hey ho, men. You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when
49%I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox...
49%-- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah''
50%Hm... $1000? Dimoxinil? ``To keep brain from freezing''?
50%-- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah''
51%Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want?
51%Lisa: An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life.
51%Homer: Uh... How about a pony?
51%Lisa: Okay!
51%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
52%Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan
52% out of $1000.
52%Burns: What!? Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside]
52% And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher...
52%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
53%Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die!
53%Bart: I love you, Dad!
53%Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you,
53% but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the
53% rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your
53% family, and baldness is hereditary!
53%Bart: It is!?
53%-- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah''
54%Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion.
54%-- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed,
54% ``Simpson and Delilah''
55%Homer: [picks up a note]
55%Karl's voice: Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your
55% speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards. All the big words are spelled
55% phonetically
55%Homer: Phonanetically.
55%Karl's voice: God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special
55% creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there]
55% Your obedient servant, Karl. ... Good luck, sir.
55%Homer: [startles] Karl, so that <wasn't> just a sweet voice I heard inside
55% my head.
55%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
56%Homer: I'm just a big fool.
56%Karl: Oh no, you're not.
56%Homer: How do you know?
56%Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack]
56%Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl!
56%Karl: Now go get 'em, tiger!
56%Homer: [roar!]
56%Karl: [pats Homer's behind as he leaves]
56%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
57%Homer: [ahem] A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this.
57% [burns a dollar bill]
57%Burns: He's crazy!
57%-- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
58%Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair!
58%-- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah''
59%[card #56 reads: ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the
59%one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.''
59%Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for
59% a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and...
59% lots of money...
59%-- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah''
60%Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am?
60%Homer: I dunno. A hundred and two?
60%Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one...
60%-- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah''
61%Burns: I'm giving you your old job back.
61%Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
61%Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider.
61%Homer: Oh. Better hurry up.
61%-- ``Simpson and Delilah''
62%Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt?
62%-- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book
62% he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F''
63%Mrs.K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson: I think you know our district psychiatrist
63% Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
63%Homer: Hey, Dr. J.
63%Dr.J.: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what lay
63% humen [sic] refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an
63% underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this...
63% proud of it.
63%Homer: Hmmm.
63%Dr.J.: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead
63% to blah blah blah blah...
63%-- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F''
64%Bart: I can make you popular.
64%Martin: But I'm already popular.
64%Bart: Allow me to demonstrate. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs]
64%Martin: But I don't understand...
64%Bart: Perhaps you missed my point. [pushes him down again, more laughs]
64%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
65%Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes!
65%Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw
65% stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns.
65%Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible
65% `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head little man?
65%Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently.
65%Otto: Yeah huh...
65%Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade
65% if I don't shape up.
65%Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing
65% that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself,
65% twice! Look at me, man! Now I <drive> the school bus!
65%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
66%Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus]
66%Bart: No!
66%Martin: No?
66%Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the
66% back row. And that's <not> just on the bus, it goes for school and
66% church, too.
66%Martin: Why?
66%Bart [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing!
66%Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing]
66% the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity
66% to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart:
66% 1
66% M O( ---------]
66% P
66% A
66%Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that...
66%-- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F''
67%Pretty soon, you'll be able to try it with a <real> book!
67%-- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F''
68%Bart: [praying] Well old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know
68% I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school
68% tomorrow, I'll fail the test---and be held back. I just need one more
68% day to study, Lord. I need your help!
68%Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel.
68%Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll
68% cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do
68% it, you can! Thanking you in advance, your pal, Bart Simpson.
68%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
69%Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga!
69%Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb!
69%Bart: [sees Lisa standing in doorway] Hey!
69%Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your
69% prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or
69% what God is exactly, all I know is he's a force more powerful than Mom
69% and Dad put together, and you owe him big. [shuts the door]
69%Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa]
69% I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man!
69% [goes upstairs to his room]
69% I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that
69% stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be?
69% [looks out window...]
69%-- ``Bart Gets an F''
70%You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man!
70%-- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F''
71%I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed!
71%I passed! I . . . kissed a teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick!
71%-- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F''
72%Homer: We're proud of you, boy!
72%Bart: Thanks dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God...
72%-- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F''
73%Hello everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday.
73%Personally, I don't understand it. hmm hmm Kids worshipping ghosts,
73%pretending to be devils. oooh, things on TV that are <completely>
73%inappropriate for younger viewers. Things like the following half
73%hour. Nothing seems to bother my kids. But tonight's show, which
73%I totally wash my hands of, is really scary. So if you have
73%sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight
73%instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.
73%-- Marge's disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Terror''
74%Quit throwing garbage into our Dimension!
74%-- The Vortex, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
75%Do the blood thing again!
75%-- Bart to the ... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
76%House: They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all.
76% They all must die.
76%Bart: Are you my conscience?
76%House: I... [ponders] Yes, I am.
76%-- A conversation with the... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
77%This family's had its differences and we've squabbled,
77%but we never had knife fights before...
77%-- Marge, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
78%It destroyed itself rather than live with us. One can't help feeling
78%a bit rejected.
78%-- Lisa, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
79%Marge: Wow, you speak English!
79%Alien: No, we are speaking Rigelian, but by some remarkable
79% coincidence, they are exactly the same.
79%-- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens,
79% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
80%Alien: We get over a million channels.
80%Bart: Do you have HBO?
80%Alien: No, that costs extra.
80%-- Showing the UFO's entertainment center,
80% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
81%Alien: Everyone who has mastered intergalactic space travel raise your hand.
81% Ok, then.
81%Marge: I'm sorry. I'm sure your game is very nice.
81%-- After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO,
81% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
82%Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons!
82%-- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror''
83%Narrator: Quoth the Raven,
83%Bart: Eat my shorts.
83%Lisa: Bart!
83%-- Edgar Allen Poe's classic, with a twist,
83% ``The Raven'' in `Treehouse of Terror''
84%Homer: There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one
84% of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became
84% a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.
84%Barney: Please, Homer?
84%Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
84%Homer: Well, okay.
84%-- Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of
84% how he became a loser, ``Dancin' Homer''
85%[police sirens wail in the distance]
85%Heh, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ballpark! Awright!
85%Two birds with one stone!
85%-- Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
86%Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it
86% to the big leagues someday.
86%Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers?
86%Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here.
86%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
87%Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire.
87%Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the
87% right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself.
87%Marge: Mph.
87%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer''
88%Burns: Ah, the Gammels. Good to see you.
88%Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.
88%Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog!
88% [laughs]
88%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
88% ``Dancin' Homer''
89%Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
89%Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir.
89%Burns: Eh? [refers to the index card] Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson.
89% Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'.
89%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night
89% ``Dancin' Homer''
90%Marge: Here you go, Bart.
90%Bart: [reads the inscription] Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26,
90% How about it? -- Flash.
90%Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic,
90% Marge.
90%-- Marge gets a baseball autographed, ``Dancin' Homer''
91%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball,
91% the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest
91% and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!
91% [isolated smatterings of applause]
91%Smithers: Oh, they love you, sir.
91%-- At the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer''
92%Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend.
92%Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be
92%<surrounded> by them...
92%-- Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
93%Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we?
93%-- Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game,
93% ``Dancin' Homer''
94%Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the
94%post-game show.
94%-- Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville,
94% ``Dancin' Homer''
95%And I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to
95%do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle!
95%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
96%Our lives have taken an odd turn.
96%-- Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... ``Dancin' Homer''
97%Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos!
97%Lisa+Bart: All right!
97%Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm.
97%-- Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
98%For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me,
98%they were laughing <towards> me!
98%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
99%A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day...
99%-- Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt,
99% ``Dancin' Homer''
100%S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!! Springfield!!!!!
100%-- Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer''
101%Tex: Why don't you talk it over with your family?
101%Homer: Because they might say no.
101%-- Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team,
101% ``Dancin' Homer''
102%This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced.
102%I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife.
102%Oh, I shouldn't have called her that.
102%Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Mmph. Ow!
102%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
103%Lisa: I can't leave Springfield!
103% I was born here and I thought I would die here!
103%Homer: It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else.
103%-- On moving to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
104%We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and
104%too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us.
104%-- Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
105%Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger!
105%-- Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
106%Sure, what would you like? Four years? Five years.
106%-- Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, ``Dancin' Homer''
107%Ned: I don't know how to say this, but uh...
107%Homer: Oh, knock it off, Flanders; don't start blubbering on me.
107% I'll miss you too.... [aside] not.
107%-- Homer prepares to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
108%Lisa: I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other
108% better, my leaving would actually have meant something.
108%Friends: Yeah.
108%-- Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, ``Dancin' Homer''
109%Kids, look! Street crime!
109%-- Homer drives the family through Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer''
110%Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings
110%of respect for me. It wouldn't last.
110%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
111%Goof: What exactly do you have planned for us?
111%Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city,
111% all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'.
111%Goof: Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend.
111%-- Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, ``Dancin' Homer''
112%Well, hello again, everybody. Dave Glass talking at ya.
112%We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome...
112%-- Calling the baseball game, ``Dancin' Homer''
113%Homer: [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of
113% concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand.
113%Vendor: Red hots! Getcher red hots here!
113%Homer: Ooh, red hots!
113%-- ``Dancin' Homer''
114%Oh, what a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I
114%realized how little that helped...
114%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer''
115%Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts,
115%the wrestling match of the century!
115%-- Announcer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
116%Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian!
116%Millhouse: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian?
116%Lisa: Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed
116% wrestling, perhaps forever.
116%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
117%[in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match]
117%Bart: If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
117%Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously.
117% Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet!
117%[in Moe's tavern]
117%Homer: Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand,
117% the Professor's got his patented coma lock.
117% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match.
117%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Daredevil''
118%Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro.
118%That's <got> to be disorienting...
118%-- Announcer for wrestling match, ``Bart the Daredevil''
119%If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail...
119%And if you're in jail, break out!
119%-- Announcer for ``Truck-a-Saurus'', ``Bart the Daredevil''
120%Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and
120% I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday.
120%Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something?
120%Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing. No, I don't think so.
120%-- at the dinner table, ``Bart the Daredevil''
121%I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday,
121%I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday.
121%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
122%Oh cruel Fate! Why do you mock me?
122%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
123%Skinner: Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
123%Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long.
123%Marge: Mmmmm.
123%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
124%Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo] My son! My son!
124%Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not <that> bad.
124%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
125%I reached him!
125%-- Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly,
125% ``Bart the Daredevil''
126%Let the destruction begin!
126%-- Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
127%The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger,
127%if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch!
127%-- Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
128%Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're
128%all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my
128%most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature and gravity by
128%leaping over this tank of water, filled with man-eating great white sharks,
128%deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and
128%perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion!
128%[a lion is added to the pool]
128%Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one
128%drop of human blood.
128%[pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously]
128%And in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so
128%buckle up!
128%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil''
129%Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold,
129%when he's not in class, he's risking his ass,
129%the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson!
129%-- Announcer in Bart's dream, ``Bart the Daredevil''
130%Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil.
130%Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things.
130%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
131%Lewis: Oh no, he's hurt.
131%?: Bad.
131%Millhouse: Let's get out of here!
131%-- kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil''
132%Marge: Are you all right?
132%Bart: Better than all right. I got stitches! [lifts the bandage]
132%Homer+Lisa: Ewwwww.
132%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
133%Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by
133%imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage.
133%-- Dr. Hibert, ``Bart the Daredevil''
134%Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.
134% This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a
134% recent TV wrestling match.
134% I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
134%Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
134%Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless
134% hours of top-notch entertainment.
134%Homer: Amen!
134%-- Dr. Hibert shows Bart the injury ward, ``Bart the Daredevil''
135%Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly.
135%I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever
135%find it.
135%-- Otto, on Springfield Gorge, ``Bart the Daredevil''
136%Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
136%Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something?
136%Bart: What?
136%Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!
136%-- ``Bart the Daredevil''
137%Otto: [humming into the bus microphone]
137%Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone?
137%Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only.
137%-- on the bus, ``Bart the Daredevil''
138%Murdoch: Doc, I heard a snap.
138%Dr. Hibert: Hm. I'm afraid the bone is broken. Well, that's all of them!
138%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil''
139%Now let me start by saying... Good for you son!
139%It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger.
139%Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy,
139%and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is:
139%Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America
139%has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!
139%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt,
139% ``Bart the Daredevil''
140%I'm sorry Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra
140%attention I'd receive, I'd miss you.
140%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil''
141%Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do.
141% He's as good as dead! [bawls]
141%Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.
141%Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!
141%-- Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
142%Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you!
142%Bart: Maybe.
142%-- Bart and the 9th commandment? ``Bart the Daredevil''
143%Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect
143%you to keep!
143%-- Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil''
144%Why that little liar! I should have...
144%And I was going to play pickle with him.
144%-- Homer, finding Bart's room empty, ``Bart the Daredevil''
144% (You need three people to play `pickle'.)
145%I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even
145%tried reasoning with you.
145%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil''
146%You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right...
146%-- Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil''
147%You think you've got guts. Try raising my kids.
147%-- Homer to Murdoch, ``Bart the Daredevil''
148%Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion]
148%Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
148%Bart: She took my glue!
148%Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue!
148%Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take
148% your glue away and then <no one> will have any glue to glue with.
148%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
149%Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality.
149% He only wants the glue because I'm using it.
149%Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it.
149%Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here.
149%Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.
149%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
150%Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose.
150%Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak.
150%Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his
150% own medicine. Ha ha.
150%Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill.
150%Announcer 1: Ha ha. Wait, what did... Did what I say make sense?
150%Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill.
150%Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt.
150%Announcer 2: What are you taling about, Bill?
150%-- Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
151%Son, this is a tradition. If they start building a balloon for every
151%flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a FARCE.
151%-- Homer watches the Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart,
151% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
151% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
152%It's broken, Mom. ... Mom, it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en,
152%Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en....
152%-- Bart `helps out' in the kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
153%See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys, Daddy's
153%favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half
153%points. Understand?
153%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
154%Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube.
154%-- Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
155%Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the
155% well-groomed go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!'
155%Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude!
155%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you
155% to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth,
155% the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!
155%-- Football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
156%Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh,
156%happy news. The following people have relatives who wished they could
156%be here today...
156%-- At the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
157%I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing...
157%You never do anything right.
157%-- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
158%Thank you! You're super! Be good to each other!
158%-- `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show,
158% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
159%In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything'
159%leaves the field! Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures
159%to work, but nobody seems to care!
159%-- Announcer for the halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
160%Holy moley! That's the biggest... one of those things I ever saw!
160%-- Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece,
160% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
161%And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
161%safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
161%Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
161%love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what
161%happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the
161%universe or what!
161%-- Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
162%I saw the best meals of my generation
162%destroyed by the madness of my brother.
162%My soul carved in slices
162%by spikey-haired demons.
162%-- `Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
163%Cool! The wrong side of the tracks!
163%-- Bart crosses the railroad tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
164%Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed!
164%-- Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
165%Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID.
165%Bart: Here ya go, doll-face.
165%Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax.
165%Bart: Ow!
165%-- Bart gives blood to make some money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
166%At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing:
166%I'm sorry I came.
166%-- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
167%Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything.
167% It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?
167%Homer: [sycophantically] Yes, Dad.
167%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
168%Twelve bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out]
168%-- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
169%All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row!
169%-- Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks,
169% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
170%Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers,
170% scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter,
170% or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way
170% place. Oh, we have our reasons. They're depressing, they wear
170% ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``crazy'',
170% they smell bad.
170%Guy: Hey, listen, man.
170%Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm going somewhere with this.
170%-- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen,
170% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
171%Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written.
171%Grampa: Sounds interesting.
171%Homer: Oh, okay.
171%Lisa: Ahem. `Howl of the Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson. Ahem.
171% `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television]
171%Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart!
171%-- Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
172%Kent: And how long have you been on the streets?
172%Bart: Going on five years, Kent.
172%Kent: Ah. Son, your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like
172% to say to them?
172%Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha ha! I didn't apologize!
172%-- Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
173%Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
173%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
174%If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and
174%collect my insurance!
174%-- Grampa rushes back to the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
175%Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't
175% blame ourselves.
175%Homer: We can and will!
175%Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.
175%-- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
176%Marge: Now we can blame him for everything!
176%Homer: It's your fault I'm bald!
176%Bart: [meekly] I'm sorry.
176%Grampa: It's your fault I'm old!
176%Bart: I'm sorry!
176%Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk!
176%Bart: I'm sorry!
176%Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way!
176%Bart: I'm sorry!
176%All: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!
176%-- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
177%Whoa! My whiffle balls! My frisbees! My wire rackets!
177%I've hit the jackpot!
177%-- Bart climbs to the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
178%Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because
178%I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already
178%that I don't... know... [sobs]
178%-- Lisa writes in her diary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
179%Lisa: Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried!
179%Bart: Really? Did they cry?
179%Lisa: Yes.
179%Bart: Whoa! Bulls-eye!
179%-- Lisa joins Bart on the roof after his brief career as a runaway,
179% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
180%I don't know! I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I enjoyed it!
180%And I don't know why I'll do it again!
180%-- Bart doesn't apologize to Lisa, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
181%You know, Marge? We're great parents!
181%-- Homer watches Bart apologize to Lisa on the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
182%Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family
182% one more crack at togetherness.
182%All: Amen.
182%-- Homer says grace at the second Thanksgiving dinner,
182% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving''
183%One o'clock. Still just a potato.
183%-- Bart, about his Science Project, ``Dead Putting Society''
184%There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all.
184%Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, `elfgrass'.
184%-- Homer defending crabgrass against Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
185%Homer: Marge, Where's the Duff!?!
185%Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
185%Homer: Doh!
185%Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
185%Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!!
185%-- Homer needs refreshment while mowing the lawn, ``Dead Putting Society''
186%Homer: All right, knock it off!
186%Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
186%Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here!
186% Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from <farther>
186% away, than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's
186% <butt> [gasp] is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
186%Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask to leave. I hope you
186% understand.
186%Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [finishes his beer]
186%-- a friendly visit to the Flanders rumpus room, ``Dead Putting Society''
187%Homer: Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff...
187%Marge: What exactly did he say?
187%Homer: Get this. He said, uh, he said...
187% Well, it wasn't so much what he said; it was how he said it.
187%Marge: Well, how did he say it?
187%Homer: Well, he...
187%Marge: Was he angry?
187%Homer: No.
187%Marge: Was he rude?
187%Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it, either.
187%-- Homer sore about Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
188%Mrs. Lovejoy: Honey, wake up. Honey, it sounds like Ned Flanders.
188% And some sort of crisis.
188%Rev. Lovejoy: Oh. Probably stepped on a worm...
188%-- Flanders calls in the middle of the night, ``Dead Putting Society''
189%Mm. I <was> going to wash my hair...
189%-- Marge, after Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing,
189% ``Dead Putting Society''
190%Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair.
190% If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor.
190%Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
190%-- Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, ``Dead Putting Society''
191%Play it where it lays, Homer.
191%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
192%Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit.
192%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society''
193%"The Toddmeister" (Todd Flanders): Hi Bart!
193%Bart: Get bent.
193%-- friendly greetings at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
194%Ned: Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there.
194%Homer: That shot's impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
194%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
195%Bart: Final score. Bart, forty-one. Homer... let's see...
195% six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus...
195%Homer: Never mind!
195%-- leaving the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
196%Todd: Wow! First prize fifty dollars!
196%Bart: Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters!
196%-- seeing a sign announcing a miniature golf tournament,
196% ``Dead Putting Society''
197%Flanders: So, my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament?
197%Homer: Yeah, he's entering.
197% And what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy?
197%Bart: I guess it's possible...
197%Flanders: Hey hey, I like that confidence.
198%Oh yeah? Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins
198%any day of the week! C'mon boy!
198%-- Homer tells off Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society''
199%Bart: But Dad! I've never won anything in my life!
199%Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is <not>
199% okay to lose!
199%-- The ghost of Vince Lombardi? ``Dead Putting Society''
200%Keep your head down, follow through. [Bart putts and misses]
200%Okay, that didn't work. This time, move your head and don't follow through.
200%-- Homer giving putting advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
201%Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a baseball bat is
201% to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that...
201% the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.
201%Bart: What?
201%Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
201%Bart: Mister Putter.
201%Homer: Doh.. You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's
201% name.
201%Bart: Mom.
201%Homer: Your putters name is Charlene!
201%Bart: Why?
201%Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy,
201% Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes
201% staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how
201% glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
201%Bart: Who's Charlene?
201%Homer: I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!
201%Bart: Grrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
201%-- a pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
202%Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind.
202%Homer: And?
202%Marge: I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little
202% kiddie golf tournament.
202%Homer: But Marge, but this is our big chance to show up the Flanders's.
202%Marge: Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that?
202%Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by
202% making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel
202% good about themselves!
202%-- Marge concerned over Homer's tactics, ``Dead Putting Society''
203%Bart: Hey Lis, whatdya call those guys in chess that don't matter.
203%Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're
203% referring to a pawn.
203%Bart: Right. I am a pawn.
203%Lisa: Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little
====================== End of Part 1 of 10 =========================
Delete everything from the dashed line above to the end of this file.
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Tom Warren Email: t...@springfield.bellcore.com 1-908-699-2896
Bellcore RRC-5D121 444 Hoes Lane Piscataway NJ 08855 USA
Thomas A. Warren
Part 2 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
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save to a filename "Part2"
====================== Begin of Part 2 of 10 =========================
203% to no interest in almost everything I do.
203% Bart, I think I can help you.
203%-- Lisa offers some sisterly advice, ``Dead Putting Society''
204%Golf... `Anecdotes'... `Eisenhower and'... `fishing'... `humor'...
204%`Japanese obsession with'... Ah, here it is... `Putting'.
204%-- Lisa, looking through card catalog under `Golf', ``Dead Putting Society''
205%Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
205%Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
205%Bart: Oh... heh, heh... gotcha! [wink]
205%-- in the library, ``Dead Putting Society''
206%Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it.
206%Bart: Wooooooo...
206%Lisa: It is time.
206%-- Bart finally gets it, ``Dead Putting Society''
207%Lisa: The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have
207% to do is hit the ball... here.
207% [Tap] [Clunk-clunk] [Clunk-clunk] [Duh-dunk]
207%Bart: I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry!
207%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society''
208%Homer: Keep your left arm straight, Bart! Rotate your shoulders!
208%Lisa+Bart: DAD!
208%Homer: Look son, all I'm asking is that you try.
208%Bart: Ok, I'll try.
208%Homer: Doh! Anybody can try! I want you to <win>!
209%Lisa: Eighth hole.
209%Bart: Aim for the octopus, third tentacle.
209%Lisa: Twelfth hole.
209%Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
209%Lisa: Nirvanha.
209%Bart: A state of bliss obtained through the extinction of the self.
209%-- pre-game drills, ``Dead Putting Society''
210%Lisa: Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she
210% wins the Kentucky Derby.
210%Homer: Newsflash, Lisa, Bart is not a horse!
210%-- the breakfast table the day of the contest, ``Dead Putting Society''
211%Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself,
211% I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. Here goes.
211% I believe in you.
211%Bart: Thanks, man.
211%-- pre-game pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society''
212%Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose you're out of the family!
212%Marge: Homer! [slap]
212%Homer: Ow.
212%-- words of encouragement during the golf match, ``Dead Putting Society''
213%This is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since
213%Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs.
213%-- Tearful announcer, ``Dead Putting Society''
214%Mm. My best dress...
214%-- Marge watches Homer mow the lawn in her Sunday dress,
214% ``Dead Putting Society''
215%Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
215%-- Lisa watching Homer mow the lawn in Marge's dress, ``Dead Putting Society''
216%Marge: [making pork chops]
216% A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram...
216%Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
216%Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care.
216% [continues her work]
216% A sprinkle of chervil, a teaspoon of tumeric, and a whisper of MSG.
216%-- How much care am I supposed to add? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
217%Homer: Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack.
217%Marge: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
217%Homer: It's no trouble! I got a whole <garage> of tools I never use!
217%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
218%Ah, here it is. The complete handyman's bookshelf. Volume 1: Spice racks.
218%-- Homer sets to work to build a spice rack, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
219%Bart: Hey Dad, can you move your head?
219%Homer: No, I can't. It's broken...
219%-- Is it in a cast? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
220%Maggie: [picks up a pencil] [wacko `Psycho' music plays]
220%Homer: Aaaaaaaaagh!
220%Marge: [picks up Maggie] No, Maggie, bad baby!
220%Homer: Keep her away from me, Marge!
220% She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!
220%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
221%Marge: You won't be watching these cartoons any more. Ever.
221%Lisa: But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense
221% of humor and be robots.
221%Bart: Really? What kind of robots?
221%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
222%You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ...
222%I told you! My baby beat me up! ...
222%No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ...
222%[sotto voce] Wise guy.
222%-- Homer phones in sick after, well, you know, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
223%Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
223%Homer: [laughs]
223%Marge: Mm...
223%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
224%Dear purveyors of senseless violence:
224%I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you
224%show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way.
224%Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine
224%programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
224%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
225%Myers: Take a letter, Miss White.
225% Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy
225% and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of
225% America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection.
225% In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research
225% shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big
225% a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
225%Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on?
225% I'll show them what one screwball can do!
225%-- A letter from the CEO, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
226%Marge: [through a megaphone]
226% How many of you were hit on the heads with mallets last week?
226% [crowd murmurs]
226% [man with head bandaged raises his hand]
226% [another man with head bandaged raises his hand]
226% [and a whole bunch more]
226%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
227%Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler!
227%Lisa: There's peas <everywhere>!
227%-- The infamous TV dinners, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
228%D'oh! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
228%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
229%Krusty: Hi Kids! [laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel!
229%Mel: [slide whistle three times]
229%Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
229%Kids: [really, parents] Boo!
229%Krusty: Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will
229% have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment, again.
229%-- Krusty faces Kancellation, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
230%Marge: What do we want?
230%Crowd: Less and less violence in children's programming!
230%Marge: When do we want it?
230%Crowd: Now!
230%-- We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more,
230% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
231%Meyers: That screwball Marge Simpson, we've got to stop her. But how?
231%Man #1: Drop an anvil on her?
231%Man #2: Hit her on the head with a piano.
231%Woman: Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?
231%Meyers: All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do?
231% You make me sick!
231%All: [agree meekly]
231%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
232%You know, some of these stories are pretty good.
232%I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
232%-- Homer watches Itchy and Scratchy, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
233%Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of `Smartline'.
233%Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, ``No, of
233%course not, what kind of stupid question is that?''
233%-- The value of objectivity in reporting, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
234%Joining us live, via satellite from Vienna, home of Sigmund Freud, the
234%world's greatest psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind,
234%Dr. Marvin Monroe.
234%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
234% [Does that make Freud or Monroe the world's greatest psychologist?]
235%Meyers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing...
235% There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
235%Kent: I see. Fascinating.
235%Meyers: Yeah, and know something, Karl? The Crusades, for instance.
235% Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went
235% on for thirty years.
235%Kent: And this was before cartoons were invented?
235%Meyers: That's right, Kent.
235%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
236%Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales
236%in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into
236%every day. I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning,
236%sexaholism, stuff like that.
236%-- Dr. Marvin Monroe on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
237%Kent: For another opinion...
237%Krusty: [laughs] Hi, kids! [laughs]
237%Kent: Krusty, please. We're giving you the opportunity to participate in
237% a serious discussion, here.
237%Krusty: Oh, I'm sorry Kent. Just that when the camera gets on me, I just...
237% Hey! [throws a custard pie in his own face] [honks horn]
237%Kent: Krusty!
237%Krusty: [honks horn] [cowers]
237%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
238%Meyers: [explaining on the phone]
238% Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and...
238%Animator: Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
238%Meyers: [to animator] Okay, a pie!
238% [to Marge] Anyway, Scratchy is understandable upset.
238%Marge: Uh huh.
238%Meyers: So we figured he could just, you know, grab Itchy and toss him into
238% a bucket of acid.
238%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
239%Marge: Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?
239% Then they would <both> have pie!
239%Meyers: [walks to storyboard, considers, steps back]
239% It's different, I'll give you that...
239%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
240%Announcer: It's a tool that every home handyman needs!
240% It's a jigsaw! It's a power drill! It's a wood-turning lathe!
240% It's an asphalt spreader! It's 67 tools in one!
240% How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
240%Homer: One thousand dollars!
240%Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet...
240%Homer: Oh, sorry.
240%Announcer: Because you also get...
240%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
241%They love! They share!
241%They share and love and share!
241%Love, love, love!
241%Share, share, share!
241%The Itchy and Scratchy Show!
241%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
242%Lisa: Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge...
242%Marge: Well, I think it conveys a very nice message about sharing.
242%Bart: I think it sucks.
242%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
243%Marge: Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
243%Bart: Naah. Come on, Li.
243%Lisa: Maybe there's something else to do on this planet...
243%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
244%Krusty: Hi, kids! [laughs]
244% [sees empty studio]
244% Huh? Is it Saturday?
244%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
245%Artist: This will be the art even of the century. The greatest
245% masterpiece of the Italian renaissance, Michelangelo's David,
245% on a coast-to-coast tour of United States.
245%Reporter: Uh, sir, which cities will be included on your itinerary?
245%Artist: Eh, New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago,
245% Boston, Los Angeles.
245%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
246%Helen: You've got to lead our protest against this abomination!
246% [shows newspaper article]
246%Marge: Mm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
246%Helen: [gasp] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body,
246% which, practical as they may be, are evil.
246%Marge: But I like that statue.
246%Helen: [gasp] I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity!
246% Come on, girls...
246%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
247%Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down?
247%That's our topic tonight on Smartline...
247%-- Kent Brockman, on the coming of Michelangelo's David to Springfield,
247% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
248%Kent: Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko?
248%Marge: Mm... Yes and no.
248%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
249%I guess one person <can> make a difference, but most of the time,
249%they probably shouldn't.
249%-- Marge, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
250%I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight.
250%Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, ``Religion: Which is the one true
250%faith?''
250%-- Kent Brockman on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
251%Well, there he is. Michelangelo's `Dave'.
251%-- Homer admires Renaissance art, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
252%Homer: Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School
252% is going to come and see this thing.
252%Marge: Really? Why?
252%Homer: They're forcing 'em! [laughs]
252%-- On Michelangelo's `David', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge''
253%Smithers: I think the boy is hurt.
253%Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going.
253%-- after... ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
254%Hey, cool, I'm dead.
254%-- Bart realizes he's dead, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
255%Please hold onto the handrail. Do not spit over the side.
255%[and repeated in Spanish]
255%-- Heavenly voice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
256%I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
256%-- Bart introduces himself to Satan, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
257%According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees
257%wins the pennant. That's nearly a century from now.
257%-- The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
258%Boy is my face red.
258%-- Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet,
258% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
259%Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
259%Satan: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
259%Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.
259%-- Bart leaves Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
260%Satan: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
260%Bart: Yes, sir!
260%-- Some parting advice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
261%Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law.
261% Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
261%Homer: Ooh, classy.
261%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
262%Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe,
262% nothing serious.
262%Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots!
262%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
263%Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
263%Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?
263%-- Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
264%Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
264%-- Chasing a gurney down the corridor, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
265%Marge: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
265%Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first.
265%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
266%Homer: If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office
266% right now and...
266%Smithers: Simpson!
266%Homer: Aah!
266%Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
266%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
267%Ah, Simpson. At last we meet.
267%-- Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident,
267% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
268%Burns: Throw him out, Smithers!
268%Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw <myself> out.
268%-- Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent,
268% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
269%The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing.
269%-- Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
270%Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah].
270%-- Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees,
270% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
271%Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement.
271%But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
271%-- Lionel Hutz, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
272%You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson.
272%You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace,
272%a $99 value, as our gift to you.
272%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
273%Just look at the X-rays! You see that dark spot there? Whiplash.
273%And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma!
273%-- `Doctor' Nick Riviera, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
274%With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's
274%not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera].
274%-- Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
275%Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma
275% in the facial area?
275%Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head] Just say when!
275%-- Bart is in the care of trained professionals, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
276%I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
276%-- In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
277%Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court
277% in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
277%Burns: You wouldn't dare!
277%Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.
277%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
278%Judge: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between
278% telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son?
278%Bart: Maybe.
278%Judge: Uh huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart?
278%Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No!
278%Bart: No.
278%-- Bart takes the witness stand, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
279%Defenseless child at three o'clock.
279%-- Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
280%Marge and Lisa: Mmm...
280%-- Reactings to Bart's ``Believable testimony'', ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
281%Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining.
281%I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys...
281%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
282%NOOOOOOOO!! TAKE ME!! I'M OLD!!
282%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
283%Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary
283%publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off
283%with a banana or two!
283%-- Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
284%Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth.
284%Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals.
284%Burn: Oh, I don't like everything about them. Just their heads.
284%-- Invited to the Burns mansion, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
285%Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
285%Burns: Yes.
285%-- A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
286%Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide,
286%twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds.
286%-- Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
287%Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing
287% but the truth, so help you God?
287%Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
287%Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
287%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
288%Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite
288% as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
288% [draws a giant zero]
288%Hutz: I think we should take it.
288%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
289%Homer: [thinks] A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
289%Marge: Homer? Would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
289%Homer: [thinks] Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous
289% snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you.
289%Marge: Some string beans?
289%Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing
289% back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you.
289%Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
289%Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you.
289%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
290%Moe: Oh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're
290% born to the day they die, they <think> they're happy, but trust me.
290% They ain't.
290%Homer: [thinks] Moe. Wish he'd shut up.
290%-- Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case,
290% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
291%Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing.
291%-- Marge, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
292%Homer: [thinks to himself] She's been your wife for ten years, you've had
292% three children together, it's time to be honest with her.
292% [out loud] I'm not sure I love you any more.
292%Marge: Gasp!
292%Homer: But, don't worry. Uh, I'll never let on. I'll still do all the
292% bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad.
292%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
293%All right, all right. Look at her if it'll shut her up.
293%Start with the feet. Still angry. Good! Good, Homer, good!
293%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
294%Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for <you> will never die.
294%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
295%Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher.
295%One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing.
295%-- Moe, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car''
296%Homer: Is it done yet? Is it done yet?
296%Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer.
296%Homer: D'oh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave?
296%-- Homer watches dinner cook, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
297%Four... three... two... one... Bing! We have meatloaf!
297%-- Homer watches dinner cook in the microwave,
297% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
298%I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa!
298%-- Homer serves dinner, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
299%Hm. Thursday. Meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
299%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
300%Homer: What are you getting at?
300%Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new
300% things, live life to the...
300%Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!
300%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
301%Marge: Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner.
301%Homer: Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed
301% pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87!
301%-- Marge suggests a change of pace, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
302%Hm. Friday night. Pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched
302%in stone and God's library somewhere in heaven...
302%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
303%Homer: Okay, okay, where do <you> want to go?
303%Lisa: Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken!
303%Homer: Fine! We'll go to Mars!
303%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
304%Marge: Mm, there's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street...
304%Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on
304% the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
304%Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point
304% entirely.
304%-- Marge suggests the family go to a Japanese restaurant,
304% `One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
305%Marge: Please, Homer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar]
305%Homer: No.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both.
305%Homer: If I said `no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to
305% say `yes' the second time?
305%Lisa: Nothing, but you may say `yes' the ninety-ninth time.
305%Homer: Oh? Try me.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad.
305%Homer: No.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad.
305%Homer: No.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad.
305%Homer: No.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad.
305%Homer: No.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad.
305%Homer: No.
305%Lisa: Please, Dad.
305%Homer: Oh, okay, okay.
305%-- If at first you don't succeed, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
306%This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping
306%with drunken Japanese businessmen.
306%-- Restaurant hostess, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
307%Bart: Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel.
307%Akira: Very good.
307%Bart: Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths?
307%Akira: Not today.
307%-- At the Japanese restaurant, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
308%Come on, pal! Fugu me!
308%-- Homer snaps at Akira the waiter, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
309%Apprentice: But master, we need your skilled hands.
309%Master chef: My skilled hands are busy!
309%-- The master chef making the pretzel with Mrs. Krabappel,
309% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
310%Fan-fugu-tastic!
310%-- Homer eats some fugu, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
311%No need to panic. There is a map to the hospital on the back of menu.
311%-- Apprentice chef at the Japanese restaurant,
311% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
312%Dr. H: You have twenty-four hours to live.
312%Homer: Twenty-four hours!
312%Dr. H: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.
312%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
313%Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all
313%until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes.
313%-- Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu,
313% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
314%Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through
314% five stages. The first is denial.
314%Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge]
314%Dr. H: The second is anger.
314%Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H]
314%Dr. H: After that comes fear.
314%Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear? [cringes]
314%Dr. H: Bargaining.
314%Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
314%Dr. H: Finally, acceptance.
314%Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
314%Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.
314%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
315%Homer: Marge! Why did you let me sleep so late?
315%Marge: You looked so peaceful lying there.
315%Homer: There'll be plenty of time for that!
315%-- Homer oversleeps to begin his final day on this earth,
315% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
316%I want to share something with you:
316%The three little sentences that will get you through life.
316% Number 1: [whispers] Cover for me.
316% Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
316% Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
316%-- Homer tells Bart the secret, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
317%Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares,
317%and stick one there... and there... and any place you're bleeding...
317%there... and there... Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on
317%your face.
317%-- Homer teaches Bart how to shave, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
318%Oh I want to be in that rumba
318%When the saints go over there!
318%-- Homer sings to Lisa's sax playing,
318% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
319%Ned: Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy.
319%Homer: Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it.
319%Ned: Heh heh, no sirree-bob!
319%-- Homer borrows Ned's camcorder, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
320%Homer: I'll even bring the thickest juciest T-bones you've ever seen.
320%Ned: Mm mm. Sounds terrif!
320%Homer: Heh, the joke's on him! I'll be dead by then!
320%-- Ned invites Homer over for a cookout,
320% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
321%Ahem. This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie! I'm
321%speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooooo! Hee hee hee, hope
321%that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown-up now, and unless
321%you've taped over this, you're probably wondering what sort of man
321%your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who
321%loved his children and... [phone rings] D'oh! [answers] Hello!
321%Yeah, he's here, who is this? [scratches his butt] ... Bart's friend
321%Millhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here!
321%-- Homer tries to make a tape for Maggie,
321% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
322%Homer: Dad, we've never been too close, have we.
322%Grampa: Not to my knowledge.
322%Homer: Never one went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.
322%Grampa: We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. Whatcher point?
322%-- Homer reconciles with his father,
322% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
323%Homer: [spots his harmonica-playing cell-mate]
323% That's sort of nice. What are you in for?
323%Man: Atmosphere.
323%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
324%Homer: [on the phone] You gotta help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
324%Barney: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
324% [waves across the street to Homer]
324% Hiya neighbor! I can see you!
324%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
325%Bart: Why are we all dressed up?
325%Marge: [staring out the window waiting for Homer]
325% Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner.
325%Lisa: Why are we using the good china?
325%Marge: Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china.
325%Bart: What's with the candles?
325%Marge: Sometimes it's fun to use candles.
325%Lisa: Why are we waiting for Dad?
325%Marge: Because we love your father and enjoy his company.
325%Bart: Why are we <really> waiting for Dad?
325%-- Homer is late for the last dinner of his life,
325% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
326%Burns: [peering through binoculars]
326% Smithers! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
326% [staring at her red pumps]
326% That's it baby, work those ankles!
326%Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
326%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
327%Homer: Hey Burns! Eat! my! shorts!
327%Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?
327%Smithers: Why it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from sector 7-G.
327%Burns: Simpson, eh?
327%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
328%Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
328%Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
328%Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz?
328% Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! [realizes]
328% Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my
328% hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
328%-- Yet another phone prank, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
329%Moe, another last beer, please.
329%-- Homer, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
330%Moe: Please, not in public.
330%Man: You <better> be dying!
330%Barney: Whoa! How European! [belch]
330%-- responses from the bar folk to Homer's good-bye kisses,
330% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
331%Marge: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called,
331% `To a Husband'.
331%Homer: Okay, okay.
331%Marge: (Ahem.) The blackened clouds are forming.
331%Homer: Oh, give me a break, Marge.
331%Marge: Soon the rain will fall.
331% My dear one is departing.
331% But first, please heed this call.
331% That always will I love you,
331% My one, my love, my all.
331%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
332%Goodbye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.
332%Goodbye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud.
332%Goodbye, Bart. ... I like your sheets.
332%-- Homer tucks in his children one last time,
332% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
333%Hi, I'm Larry King.
333%In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...
333%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
334%... lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.
334%Well, that's it. Old Fred [?] is standing by, we'll get some coffee,
334%we'll get some matzo-ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs,
334%by the way, if you're betting on the NBA this year, I think they'll
334%win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but... [closing music]
334%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
335%I'm alive! From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!
335%-- Homer realizes he's not dead after all,
335% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish''
336%Homer: Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up, or it'll hurt
336% your eyes.
336%Bart: It will not.
336%Homer: [makes a fist] Yes, it will...
336%-- ``The Way We Was''
337%Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state,
337% McBane. And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of
337% three of his bodyguards, and drove a bus through his front door?
337%McBane: But, Captain, I have prroof dat he is head of an international
337% drrug cartel!
337%Captain: I don't want to hear it, McBane! You're outta here!
337%McBane: [pushes the Captain out his office window, who falls into the
337% fountain in the plaza] Dat makes two of us.
337%-- Here's a typically brainless scene, ``The Way We Was''
338%Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery!
338% [bangs on the TV and the picture gets worse]
338%Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.
338%-- ``The Way We Was''
339%Cheap Chinese TV, what did I ever buy it for...
339%-- Homer tries to fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
340%Homer: [fiddling with the back of the set] Is that better?
340%Lisa+Bart: NOOOO!
340%Homer: How's this? [picture gets worse]
340%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
340%Homer: Okay, everybody remain calm.
340% [gives the TV a big whack; picture disappears]
340%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
340%-- ``The Way We Was''
341%Dear God, just give me one channel! [dramatic camera angle]
341%-- Homer can't fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was''
342%I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it.
342%-- Bart suffers through Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
343%Lisa: How did Dad propose to you?
343%Marge: Oh, well... [ flashback ]
343%Doctor: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
343% I think we've found the reason why you've been
343% throwing up in the morning.
343% Congratulations.
343%Homer: Doh! [ end of flashback ]
343%Marge: Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story ...
343%-- ``The Way We Was''
344%Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
344%Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
344%-- ``The Way We Was''
345%Friend: Don't you think you deserve to earn just as
345% much as a man who does the same job?
345%Marge: Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math.
345%-- ``The Way We Was''
346%Barney: [bell rings] Oh no, we're late for wood shop!
346%Homer: But... we're early for lunch! Let's go grab a burger.
346%Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you never gain a pound.
346%Homer: It's my metabomolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones.
346%-- Life as a high school senior, ``The Way We Was''
347%Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from
347% these male-imposed shackles! [lights a bra] [foom]
347%Friend: I didn't think it would burn so fast.
347%Marge: Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside.
347%-- ``The Way We Was''
348%Barney: Hey, Estelle? Will you go to the prom with me?
348%Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould!
348%Barney: Oh, shot down again...
348%Homer: Hey, don't worry, Barney, it's a big school. There's got to be a
348% girl nobody <else> wants to take the the prom.
348%-- ``The Way We Was''
349%Homer: So, uh, what are you in for?
349%Marge: I'm a political prisoner. Last time <I> ever take a stand...
349%Homer: Well, I'm here for being me.
349% Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here.
349%Teacher: Simpson, be quiet!
349%Homer: I haven't seen you in school before.
349%Teacher: Okay, Simpson,
349%Homer: What?
349%Teacher: You just bought yourself
349% another day of detention.
349%Homer: Maybe we should get together sometime.
349%Teacher: Two days!
349%Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.
349%Homer: I'm Homer
349%Teacher: Three days!
349%Homer: J.
349%Teacher: Four days!
349%Homer: Simpson.
349%Teacher: Five days!
349%Homer: It was worth it!
349%Teacher: Six days!
349% Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room!
349% [ return to present ]
349%Lisa: So it was love a first sight!
349%Bart: It was a jailhouse romance, man!
349%Homer: I reached Step One: She knew I existed.
349% The only problem was, she didn't care.
349%-- The beginning of a beeootiful friendship? ``The Way We Was''
350%Grampa: What's the matter, boy?
350%Homer: Nothing.
350%Grampa: You haven't said poo all night and usually I have to wrestle the
350% bucket [of `Shakespeare's Fried Chicken'] out of your greasy mitts.
350%Homer: Dad, I'm in love.
350%Grampa: Uh oh! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy.
350%Homer: But Dad, I don't drink ...
350%Grampa: Cut the crap!
350% [in a mocking voice] I just collect the cans, Daddy.
350% [in his normal voice] Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too.
350% Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker?
350%Homer: Uh huh.
350%Grampa: A lot on the ball? [ie, intelligent?]
350%Homer: Yeah.
350%Grampa: Oh, Son, don't overreach!
350% Go for the DENTED car,
350% the DEAD-END end job,
350% the LESS ATTRACTIVE girl.
350% Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago.
350%Homer: Thanks, Pop.
350%-- Grampa's three words of advice, ``The Way We Was''
351%Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor.
351%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
352%I just met this girl Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to like me.
352%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was''
353%The only advice I can give you is, uh,
353%try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend.
353%-- Guidance counselor dispenses advice, ``The Way We Was''
354%Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation?
354%Homer: Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT.
354%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Was We Was''
355%Heh, heh, Imagine me in a nuclear power plant. KaBOOM!
355%-- Homer thinks about life after graduation, ``The Way We Was''
356%Homer: My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something.
356%Mrs. B: Well, we have an opening on the debate team.
356%Homer: Debate, like, arguing?
356%Mrs. B: Yes.
356%Homer: I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT!
356% Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein.
356%-- Homer tries to share interests with Marge, ``The Way We Was''
357%Mrs. B: This year's topic is
357% `Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered
357% to 55 miles per hour.'
357%Homer: 55? That's ridiculous!
357% Sure, it'll save a few lives,
357% but millions will be late!
357%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
358%Homer: Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me?
358%Artie: Ignoramus?
358%Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it!
358%Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.
358%Homer: Not to me, there isn't!
358%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
359%Mrs.B: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal?
359%Homer: With pleasure. [turns around and moons the class]
359%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was''
360%Look, I'm not asking you to like me,
360%I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position
360%where I can touch your goodies,
360%I'm just asking you to be fair.
360%-- Homer smooth-talks Marge, ``The Way We Was''
361%Barney: Wanna go to the prom with me?
361%Girl: Good God, no!
361%Barney: Well-put.
361%-- Negative feedback, ``The Way We Was''
362%Bart: Great story. [bangs TV]
362% Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV]
362% [to TV] Damn you.
362%Homer: Bart! Pay attention,
362% you may be telling this to your <own> son if something breaks.
362%-- ``The Way We Was'' [double entendre alert]
363%Ooh. [spots hairs in his brush] Lost a few.
363%Well, there are plenty more where that came from.
363%-- Teenage Homer isn't worried about male pattern baldness, ``The Way We Was''
364%Homer: Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents
364%Marge: Consonants.
364%Homer: consonants, with your beautiful mouth,
364% your beautiful breath pushing past
364% your beautiful teeth...
364%-- ``The Way We Was''
365%So will you go out with me? Please say `Oui'.
365%-- Homer to Marge after a French lesson, ``The Way We Was''
366%Homer: My tux is going to have the widest lapels, the most
366% ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw!
366%Marge: And maybe I'll wear my hair ... up.
366%-- Marge accepts Homer's invitation to the prom, ``The Way We Was''
367%Get off the edge of your seat.
367%They got married, had kids, and bought a cheap TV, okay?
367%-- Bart fails to enjoy Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was''
368%Artie: Would you go to the prom with me?
368%Marge: Oh,
368%Artie: I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments.
368% Now the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974 ...
368%-- ``The Way We Was''
369%Mrs.B: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow.
369% A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear.
369%Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this?
369%Mrs.B: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge.
369%-- ``The Way We Was''
370%Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time.
370%Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out.
370% [Or maybe Patty and Selma. It's hard to tell.]
370%-- ``The Way We Was''
371%Homer: You said you'd go the prom with me.
371%Marge: I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then.
371%Homer: I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from
371% you completely, even though it meant skipping school
371% for three weeks and graduating this summer. I hope.
371%-- ``The Way We Was''
372%Wait a second. Is that a bong-g? [student points at his throat]
372%You have asthma? All right. Move along.
372%-- Mr. Dondelinger chaperones the prom, ``The Way We Was''
373%Hello, classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy,
373%you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you.
373%-- Artie Ziff's acceptance speech, ``The Way We Was''
374%Driver: Well, where to now, Romeo?
374%Homer: Inspiration point.
374%Driver: Okay, but I'm only paid to drive.
374%-- Homer goes (alone) to Inspiration Point, ``The Way We Was''
375%Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it
375% if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands.
375% Not so much for myself,
375% but I am so respected,
375% it would damage the TOWN to hear it.
375% Good night.
375%Marge: Yeah, right.
375%-- ``The Way We Was''
376%You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life.
376%-- Mr. Bouvier, ``The Way We Was''
377%The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live.
377%I will now read them in no particular order.
377%-- Moses, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
378%I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!
378%-- Flanders is upset at the cable TV hook-up man,
378% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
379%So you've decided to steal cable.
379%Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
379%Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations,
379% which makes it okay.
379%-- Homer reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
379% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
380%It's funny 'cause it's true.
380%-- Homer laughs at a stand-up routine, [inside joke alert!]
380% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
381%I have an announcement to make: The Simpsons have cable!
381%-- Homer's important announcement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
382%Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before.
382% You really think we can afford it?
382%Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
382%-- The Simpsons have cable! ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
383%Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies.
383%Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less
383% and are repeated ad nauseum.
383%Hmm I don't know.
383%-- Marge reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet,
383% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
384%TV: Hear Me Roar, the Network for Women.
384% In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid
384% bill in half by making your own band-aids.
384%Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea.
384%TV: Now before we begin, you need five yards of sterilized cotton...
384%-- Something for everyone on cable, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
385%Homer: Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
385% You know, down there, it's a <real> sport. ...
385%Bart: Ooh, this is where Jaws eats the boat. ...
385% Ooh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window. ...
385% Ho ho, this is where Wall Street gets arrested, ha ha. ...
385%TV: ``Mr Speaker, if I could call your attention to the
385% retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill,
385% I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and...''
385%Homer: They must think people will watch anything...
385%TV: ``Live, from New Orleans, this is the World Series of cock-fighting!
385% Oh, son-of-a-gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.'' ...
385% [time passes]
385% ``We could get there quicker if I borrowed Dad's car.''
385% ``I don't know, Davey...''
385%-- Watching cable all night, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
386%Rev. Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks
386% he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his
386% instant pizza-pie.
386%Homer: Ooh, pizza. [licks his lips]
386%-- Sunday sermon, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
387%Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell.
387%Kids: Ooh.
387%Bart: All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness.
387% <Finally> we get to the good stuff.
387%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
388%Miss Allbright: Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms
388% your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll
388% be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact,
388% if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die.
388%Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright.
388%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
388%Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
388%M.A.: No.
388%Bart: [raises his hand]
388%M.A.: Yes, Bart.
388%Bart: Are there pirates in hell?
388%M.A.: Yes. Thousands of them.
388%Bart: [rubs hands] Hoo hoo, baby!
388%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
389%Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
389%Bart: Hell.
389%Homer: Bart!
389%Bart: But that's what we learned about.
389% I sure as HELL can't tell you we learned about HELL
389% unless I say HELL, can't I?
389%Homer: Well, the lad has a point.
389%Bart: Hell, yes!
389%Marge: Bart!
389%Bart: [singing] Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, ...
389%Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
389%-- Coming home from church, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
390%Troy: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as
390% `Cry, Yuma' and `Here Comes the Coast Guard'! But today I'd like
390% to tell you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans
390% and straightens your teeth!
390%Homer: Oh, goodie! A program-length advertisement!
390%Woman: [methodically] Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused.
390% Did you say, cleans <and> straightens?
390%Troy: There's no confusion, Tina. Just good science. Ladies and
390% gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
390%Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody!
390%Studio audience: Hi, Dr. Nick Riviera!
390%-- The `I Can't Believe They Invented It!' show,
390% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
391%Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh.
391% It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL!
391%Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out]
391%Marge: What's gotten into Lisa?
391%Bart: Beats the HELL out of me!
391%Homer: Bart!
391%-- Lisa's conscience speaks, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
392%Lisa: Mom, what are you doing?
392%Marge: What, what do you mean?
392%Lisa: Don't you remember the eighth commandment?
392%Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um,
392% graven images, something about covet...
392%Lisa: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!
392%-- Marge eats two grapes in the supermarket,
392% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
393%If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it
393%someplace else ... We've got it! On the Blockbuster Channel!
393%-- TV advertisement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
394%Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
394%Homer: [sotto voce] Oh, great...
394% [speaking up] All right, what makes you say that?
394%Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
394%Homer: Well, DUH.
394%Lisa: But everybody does it.
394% I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
394%Homer: Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning,
394% did you pay for it?
394%Lisa: No.
394%Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
394%Lisa: No, I didn't.
394%Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!
394%Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
394%Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
394%-- There, I've run rings around you logically,
394% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
395%It's Watson-Tatum 2. This time... it's for money!
395%-- `The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out',
395% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
396%How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness!
396%-- Homer on the wonders of cable TV, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
397%Len: Hey, big fight coming up.
397%Karl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round
397% updates on the radio?
397%Len: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the
397% still photos on the 11-o'clock news.
397%Karl: Not too shabby!
397%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
398%Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones in sector 7-G.
398%-- Smithers to Mr. Burns, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
399%Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir?
399%Burns: Permission granted.
399%Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy, ...
399%Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
399%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
400%I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds.
400%-- Apu excited about watching the upcoming fight,
400% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
401%Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family,
401% that would be stealing?
401%Rev.: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
401%Lisa: I see.
401%-- A clarification from Reverend Lovejoy,
401% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
402%TV: You're watching `Top Hat Entertainment'. Adult programming
402% all day, every day. (Except in Florida and Utah.)
====================== End of Part 2 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 3 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part3"
====================== Begin of Part 3 of 10 =========================
402% Coming up next, `Stardust Mammaries'...
402%Bart: Aye, Carumba!
402%Homer: Bart!
402%Bart: Dad! [He didn't yell `Homer!']
402%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
403%Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for
403%mommies and daddies who love each other very much.
403%-- Homer catches Bart watching an adult cable channel,
403% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
404%Lisa: Hi, Dad.
404% I think stealing cable is wrong,
404% so I am choosing not to watch it
404% in the hopes that others will follow my example.
404% That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
404% Thank you for your time.
404%Homer: Hey, Lisa... `Racing From Belmont'? Horsies!
404%Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
404%-- Lisa takes the high ground, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
405%There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral.
405%Why can't she be more like ... well, not like Bart...
405%-- Homer muses on Lisa's moral posturing,
405% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
406%The cable stays! The foot has spoken!
406%-- Homer puts his foot down, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
407%Homer: Hey, how'd you get in here?
407%Man: Oh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way.
407%-- Homer finds a man in his living room,
407% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
408%Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere.
408%And I'm not talking about the small forgiveable stuff.
408%-- Homer installs bars on the windows,
408% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
409%Bart: Come one, come all! Top Hat Theater is on the air!
409% The most beautiful women in the world!
409% Just fifty cents!
409% I am your host, Bart Simpson!
409% (Must be at least eight years old to enter.)
409%TV: And now, the `Top Hat' channel is honored to present...
409% `Broadcast Nudes'.
409%Gang: Oooooohh...
409%Millhouse: Gross!
409%Martin: Yet strangely compelling...
409%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
410%Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.
410%-- Bart is caught watching a cable porn channel, [Burger King alert!]
410% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
411%Here, I brought some imported generic beer.
411%-- Barney brings a gift, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
412%Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer. I brought an assortment of jerkys.
412%Homer: Oh, did you swipe those from work?
412%Apu: Certainly not. What has been implied here?
412%-- Apu arrives to watch the fight on Homer's stolen cable TV,
412% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
413%I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching
413%this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.
413%-- Lisa refuses to watch stolen cable,
413% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
414%Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!
414%-- Homer yells at Lisa who simply stares at him,
414% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
415%Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
415%Bart: Borrowed?
415%Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work.
415%-- Panicking when Mr. Burns arrives, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
416%Will you quit staring at me like that!?
416%-- Homer to Lisa who is staring innocently at Homer from outside,
416% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
417%Cop: Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup.
417%Homer: No! No, I... It wasn't me. It was my wife. My wife's idea.
417% Yeah, yeah, ...
417%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
418%When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end,
418%they will do the right thing.
418%-- Marge to Lisa, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
419%Announcer: The challenger learned how to fight in the notorious province[?]
419% of Capital City, and honed his skills while serving time for
419% aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.
419%Barney: Awright! A local boy!
419%Tatum: For five years, I was incarcerated, away from my family, and
419% the mothers [sic] of my children...
419%-- Watching the pre-fight hype, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
420%I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that
420%I've made a couple of really important decisions.
420%Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and
420%Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.
420%-- Homer, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
421%Lisa: Dad, we may have saved your soul.
421%Announcer: [from the TV inside] Tatum is reeling from the champ's
421% exquisite hailing...
421%Homer: Yeah, at the worst possible time!
421%-- Cutting the cable hook-up, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
422%Apu: What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
422%Burns: Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett
422% fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen
422% rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than
422% fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!
422%-- After watching the big fight, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
423%Dad, I beg you to reconsider.
423%Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin!
423%-- Bart begs Homer not to cut the cable hook-up,
423% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment''
424%Marge: Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well.
424%Lisa: I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.
424%-- Lisa wakes up ill, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
425%Homer: Maaarge, the dog is hungry.
425%Marge: Well, then, feed him.
425%Homer: Yeees, Master.
425%-- Do I have to do everything around here? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
426%Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa[?] stays home, <I> stay home.
426%Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
426%Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute...
426% [eyes dart madly as an indication of frantic neural activity]
426% If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa
426% stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
426%Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
426%-- There, I've run rings around you logically.
426% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
427%Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!
427%-- Bart telling Lisa how to enjoy being ill,
427% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
428%You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.
428%-- Apu shooing Santa's Little Helper away, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
429%You know, they've got the velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue,
429%built-in odometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity licence plates!
429%-- Ned Flanders showing off his `Assassins' sneakers,
429% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
430%Dr. Hibert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
430%Lisa: Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
430%Dr. Hibert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
430%-- Lisa is diagnosed with the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
431%Take a rest, have yourself a wowwipop.
431%-- Dr. Hibert's prescription for the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
432%Yello? ... Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? ... The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.
432%-- Homer learns on the phone that Lisa has the mumps,
432% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
433%The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins.
433%-- Marge telling Lisa she is genetically programmed to know how to sew.
433% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
434%You just need to develop a callous. [pricks her finger and lights a lighter
434%under it] You see? Now <that's> a sewing finger, honey.
434%-- Marge showing Lisa how to sew, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
435%Homer: Oh, 125 bucks...
435% [Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head]
435%Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
435% spoil yourself...
435%Homer: But I can't afford to...
435%Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!
435%Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh.
435%-- Homer and his conscience? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
436%Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
436%Lisa: Ooh. Phonics, functions, vocabulary, ... remedial reading?
436% Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
436%Bart: D'oh!
436%-- Bart delivers Lisa's homework, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
437%Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
437%Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones!
437%Homer: D'oh!
437%Marge: 125 dollars?!?
437%Homer: Bart! [strangles Bart]
437%Bart: Wauuugh!
437%Marge: Homer!
437%Homer: D'oh!
437%-- Caught in the crossfire, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
438%Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
438%Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
438% a single fire.
438%Marge: Mmm...
438%-- Homer buys expensive sneakers, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
439%As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!
439%-- pitchman Troy McClure on `I Can't Believe They Invented It!'
439% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
440%Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
440%Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything...
440%-- finding a school for Santa's Little Helper,
440% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
441%Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
441%Miss Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and
441% change color, ever so slightly.
441%Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
441%Miss Winthrop: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that.
441% `Choke chain' is a misnomer.
441% Trust me. They are always breathing.
441%-- demonstrating the use of the choke chain, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
442%Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
442%Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out.
442% I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma,
442% and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.
442%-- watching a love scene on a TV soap opera, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
443%Woman: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.
443%Fr. McGrath: I was!
443%-- soap opera on television, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
444%I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
444%-- shoe store clerk, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
445%Girl: Aloha! Would you like a free sample?
445%Homer: The price is right! [stuffs them furiously into his mouth]
445% Mmm.. Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts.
445%Girl: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each.
445%Homer: Oh, so <that's> your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack
445% up the price! [as he talks, cookie crumbs splatter out of his
445% mouth, dirtying up his shirt] ... [meekly] Well, you win.
445%-- at the Cookie Collossus store, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
446%Look Mom, I've finished my patch.
446%It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life.
446%[cough cough]
446%On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school?
446%He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of
446%its beauty and soul.
446%And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy.
446%He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out
446%of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.
446%-- Lisa describes her contribution to the Bouvier Memory Quilt.
446% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
447%Marge: [weeping] My quilt! Six generations, ruined!
447%Homer: Now Marge, honey honey honey. Come on, come on, don't get upset.
447% It's not the end of the world. We all love that quilt,
447% but we can't get too attached to... OHH!!! MY COOKIE!!!
447%-- Homer tries to console Marge after Santa's Little Helper
447% chews up the quilt (and Homer's cookie) ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
448%Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting.
448%Bart: We never had a family meeting before...
448%Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
448%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
449%Lisa: I'm sure Mom agrees with me.
449%Marge: Mmm. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father.
449%Homer: You do? [taunting and dancing] Ha ha ha ha ha.
449%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
450%Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition,
450% but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the
450% way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it away?
450%Homer: [weeping] Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me,
450% I want you in my corner, honey.
450%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F''
451%``Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says `I Love You'
451%on command.''
451%-- advertisement for selling Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F''
452%Now... Sit!
452%I said, Sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away]
452%Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt.
452%See? He does exactly what I tell him.
452%-- Bart trying to demonstrate his control over the dog,
452% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
453%You son of a bitch. Good show!
453%-- Dog obedience instructor to Santa's Little Helper,
453% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
454% Buddy -- Ran away from home.
454% Lao Tzu -- Ate poison toad: now in a coma.
454%Santa's Little Helper -- Bit Bart. Homer didn't mind.
454%-- The eventual fates of the dogs in the obedience school,
454% ``Bart's Dog Get an F''
455%Homer: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you!
455% [one word per finger] Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue...
455% [realizes he needs his left hand] Pit.
455%Marge: Oh, Homey, remember you told me you'd try to limit pork to six
455% servings a week?
455%Homer: Marge! I'm only human!
455%-- ``Principal Charming''
456%Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances...
456%-- Rev. Lovejoy greets the wedding guests, ``Principal Charming''
457%Lisa: Aunt Selma?
457%Selma: [grunt]
457%Lisa: Do you think you'll ever married?
457%Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody?
457%Lisa: No.
457%Selma: [grunt]
457%Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece,
457% I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant
457% number of forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince.
457%-- ``Principal Charming''
458%Marge: You owe me a favor.
458%Homer: [whining] Oh...
458%Marge: To be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire.
458%Homer: But that was just an idle promise!
458%-- Marge cashes in a favor, ``Principal Charming''
459%Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
459%Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines,
459% and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
459%Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like
459% to be ... you know ... touched.
459%Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy
459% thrust upon her.
459%-- ``Principal Charming''
460%Marge: You will find her [Selma] a man!
460%Homer: [conceding] All right.
460%Marge: And not just any man.
460%Homer: [annoyed] Okay!
460%Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
460%Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?
460%-- ``Principal Charming''
461%Mrs. K: Sodium tetrasulfate is highly toxic, and can remove your skin.
461% [pours into a beaker] Say when... [chuckles]
461%Martin: That will do. [Mrs. K stops pouring, and spills quite a bit]
461%Bart: What's this stuff for?
461%Martin: It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and
461% as a preservative in fast foods.
461%-- Chemistry class, ``Principal Charming''
462%Karl... Too handsome.
462%Smithers... Jerk.
462%Ms. Finch... Not a man.
462%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
462% ``Principal Charming''
463%Boy, a good man really <is> hard to find.
463%-- Homer searches for a husband for Selma, ``Principal Charming''
464%One seafood burrito, Apu.
464%-- Homer makes a purchase from the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Principal Charming''
465%Apu... Pro: Discounted snack treats. Con: Dangerous profession.
465%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
465% ``Principal Charming''
466%I am loathe to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for
466%money to change hands.
466%-- Apu snaps Homer out of his daze at the Kwik-E-Mart register,
466% ``Principal Charming''
467%?... Pro: Nice stride. Con: Complete stranger.
467%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
467% ``Principal Charming''
468%Pro: Smoker. Con: Just a sign.
468%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
468% ``Principal Charming''
469%Say what they will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best
469%tater tots money can buy.
469%-- Principal Skinner eats his lunch at school, ``Principal Charming''
470%Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew that you were
470% writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters on the field, and that
470% you would be caught.
470%Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
470%Principal Skinner: There are no other Barts!
470%Bart: Uh oh.
470%-- Another visit to the principal's office, ``Principal Charming''
471%Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
471%Moe: Homer who?
471%Bart: Homer... Sexual.
471%Moe: Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on,
471% come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! [guffaws from the
471% gang] You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my
471% teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
471%-- ``Principal Charming''
472%Principal Skinner...
472%Pros: * Uses big words.
472% * Dislikes the boy.
472% * [something]
472%Cons: * Possible Homer Sexual.
472%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law,
472% ``Principal Charming''
473%Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely
473% (and available) sister, Selma.
473%Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty!
473%Homer: What!?
473%Skinner: [dreamily] Patty...
473%Homer: D'oh!! Wrong one!
473%-- Homer introduces Principal Skinner to the wrong woman,
473% ``Principal Charming''
474%I tried to repel him, I really did!
474%-- Patty to Selma, on Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
475%Patty: I'll have a Lady Laramie 100's please.
475%Selma: We both know it could have easily been me. Very easily.
475% [to Apu] Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day.
475%Apu: Ooh, all right, here you go. Smoke them in good health.
475%-- ``Principal Charming''
476%I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant.
476%You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
476%-- Principal Skinner takes Patty out for a date, ``Principal Charming''
477%Principal Skinner: That was the worst movie I've ever seen.
477%Patty: Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
477%Principal Skinner: Ho ho ho. Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
477%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
478%Principal Skinner: So, see me again tomorrow?
478%Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
478%Principal Skinner: Then the day after that.
478%Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do.
478%Principal Skinner: The day after that, then.
478%Patty: Seymour, you're touching me.
478%Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties.
478%Patty: Hai-ya! [gives him a healthy karate (or whatever) chop]
478%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming''
479%Principal Skinner: I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
479%Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour.
479%-- ``Principal Charming''
480%Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man. [belch]
480%-- Barney comes to the rescue when Homer needs to find a husband for Selma?
480% ``Principal Charming''
481%Clerk: A good rule of thumb is two years' salary, sir. Try this.
481%Principal Skinner: I can't afford that, I'm an educator!
481%Bart: Seymour...
481%Principal Skinner: I'll take it.
481%-- Buying an engagement ring for Patty, ``Principal Charming''
482%Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all,
482%tomorrow is another school day!
482%-- Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming''
483%And then when I got out of the service, eh, uh... Well, the next few years
483%are a blur.
483%-- Barney, ``Principal Charming''
484%Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. [sobs]
484%Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
484%Barney: [perks up] Well, whaddya know! You're right!
484% And look, a whole pitcher to myself!
484%-- Every cloud has a silver lining? ``Principal Charming''
485%Grampa: The screen was too small.
485%Jasper: The floor was sticky.
485%Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on.
485%Jasper: In short, we demand a refund.
485%-- Complaining at the movie theater, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
486%... and thank you most of all for nuclear power,
486%which has yet to cause a single proven fatality.
486%At least in this country. Amen.
486%-- Homer, saying grace, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
487%Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons,
487%and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
487%-- Homer, threatening his kids, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
488%Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
488%Homer: What is it, Dad?
488%Grampa: Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh.
488% Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die
488% someday.
488%Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
488%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
489%Hey handsome, wanna `dunk' the `clown'?
489%-- Carnival girl/prostitute, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
490%She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.
490%-- Grampa, remembering an affair, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
491%Granma: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father.
491% He must never know about that, that carnival incident.
491%Grampa: Okay.
491%Granma: Promise you won't tell him.
491%Grampa: I promise.
491% [end of flashback]
491%Grampa: Oops! Forget what I just told you.
491%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
492%Homer: This makes me special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that
492% must mean you really loved me.
492%Grampa: Mm. Interesting theory.
492%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
493%Lisa: A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian!
493%Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
493%Homer: Bart!
493%Bart: His parents aren't married are they?
493% It's the correct word, isn't it?
493%Homer: I guess he's got us there.
493%Marge: Mmm...
493%Bart: [singing]
493% Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard!
493%Marge: Bart!
493%Homer: Bart! Baart!
493%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
494%Homer: Oh brother, where art thou!
494%Attendant: Take it easy, buddy, they moved across the street.
494%Homer: Oh, hee hee. Sorry.
494%-- looking for the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
495%Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
495% I myself have spent years searching for <my> long-lost twin brother.
495%Homer: Yeah yeah yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking
495% for <my> brother today.
495%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
496%Director: Your brother could be anywhere. Even ... Detroit.
496%Homer: I know he could be <anywhere>,
496% that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
496%Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of <brotherly> love
496% isn't Philadelphia, it's ... Detroit.
496%Homer: Well, if you asked me, changing the subject makes you the
496% most worthess, heartless excuse for a human being I ever...
496%Director: Read between the lines, Mr. Simpson!
496%Homer: Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you
496% tell me where my brother lives?
496%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
497%Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell...
497%Pomerantz, Poole, Popkins, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randal, oops, too far.
497%-- Homer, looking through the phone book, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
498%Homer: Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! [bangs the phone]
498%Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here!
498% I'm just silent because of the emotion involved.
498%Homer: Oh. Sorry.
498%-- first contact with his brother, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
499%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
499%Homer: Just a little further!
499%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
499%Homer: Just a little fur...
499%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet?
499%Homer: Just a little further!!
499%Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car
499% right around and go home.
499%Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother!
499%Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
499%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
500%Herbert: Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese and I want to know why.
500%Advisor: Oh, unfair trade practices?
500%Advisor: Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
500%Advisor: Some sort of gypsy curse?
500%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
501%People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads!
501%-- Herbert Powell, board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
502%Herbert: You, what are your roots?
502%Advisor: Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met
502% the Saxons... [all except Herbert chuckle]
502%Herbert: Or in other words, when white met bread.
502%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
503%Holy moly, the bastard's rich!
503%-- Homer, seeing his brother's mansion, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
504%Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa ...
504%Maggie: [falls down] [thud]
504%Homer: ... and Maggie.
504%Bart: Hello, sir.
504%Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.
504%Herbert: All born in wedlock?
504%Homer: [whispers] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
504%-- introducing his family, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
505%Herbert: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home.
505% Any time you're hungry, any time day or night,
505% Cook will make you anything you want.
505%Homer: Even pork chops?
505%Herbert: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool,
505% a screening room...
505%Homer: If I want pork chops any time in the middle of the night,
505% your guy will fry them up?
505%Herbert: Sure, that's what he's paid for.
505% Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids...
505%Homer: Wait, wait, wait. Lemme see if I got this straight.
505% It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach...
505%Marge: Homer, please.
505%-- touring the estate, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
506%Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
506%Marge: Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three
506% beautiful children.
506%Herbert: Wow. We have so much catching up to do.
506%Marge: Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
506%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
507%Bart: Watch me dive!
507%Lisa: Watch me dive!
507%Homer: OKAY, we're watching!
507%Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them...
507% [they dive]
507%Bart: Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
507%Lisa: Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...
507%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
508%A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one.
508%-- Grampa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
509%Bart: Unkie Herb, can I spit over the side?
509%Herbert: Heh heh heh. I love this kid. Hock your brains out!
509% [Bart spits, as does Herbert]
509%Bart: Ho! Got him!
509%-- in a balloon, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
510%Hello, cook?
510%Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some...
510%That's right. Don't forget the applesauce!
510%-- Homer, on the phone late at night, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
511%Herbert: And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
511%Homer: And I want to let you!
511%-- hiring Homer as a consultant, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
512%Herbert: Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
512%Homer: Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other
512% and rack-and-peanut steering.
512%-- first day on the job, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
513%Herbert: Do you understand?
513%Homer: Sort of.
513%Herbert: Homer?
513%Homer: What.
513%Herbert: Answer me again with self-confidence!
513%Homer: SORT OF!
513%-- pep talk, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
514%Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style!
514%Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting...
514%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
515%Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said.
515%-- Herbert, to his advisor, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
516%I want a horn here, here, and here.
516%You can never find a horn when you're mad.
516%And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.
516%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
517%Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids
517% with optional restraints and muzzles?
517%Homer: Bullseye!
517%-- designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
518%Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy.
518%Bart: They hate each other.
518%Lisa: And they're not shy about expressing it.
518%-- ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
519%To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings,
519%when I could've been watching cartoons!
519%-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy'
519% ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
520%Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?
520%-- Lisa, talking to a penguin at the zoo, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
521%Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders,
521%members of the press, Your Holiness...
521%-- Herbert Powell, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
522%All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
522%Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
522%Now, at last, I have found it.
522%-- Homer, describing his car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
523%Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all
523% your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been
523% better off if I'd never come into your life.
523%Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off?
523% MAYBE!
523% Why you sponge-head. Of COURSE I'd have been better off.
523% As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
523%Marge: Mm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.
523%-- Herbert leaving forever, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
524%His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson.
524%-- Lisa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
525%Bart: Dad?
525%Homer: What is it, boy?
525%Bart: I thought your car was really cool.
525%Homer: Thanks boy! I was waiting for someone to say that.
525%-- driving home, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''
526%Marge: You know, <we'll> be old someday.
526%Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home
526% like I did to my dad, would you?
526%Bart: [considering the idea] Well...
526%Homer: Aaah!
526%-- After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, ``Old Money''
527%Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place
527%at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!
527%-- Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, ``Old Money''
528%Yo, active wear? Need a price check on a wool shoal.
528%-- Clerk at `Grandma's World', ``Old Money''
529%Do not feed the animals. Do not allow animals inside the car.
529%Do not make eye contact with animals.
529%-- Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, ``Old Money''
530%Mr. Simpson, I presume.
530%-- Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, ``Old Money''
531%You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know
531%she died of a broken heart.
531%-- Grampa mourns Bea's passing, ``Old Money''
532%You can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer.
532%-- Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, ``Old Money''
533%Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad.
533%Grampa: Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything.
533%Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing!
533%-- Grampa disowns Homer, ``Old Money''
534%Hutz: There is one catch... You must spend one night in... a haunted house!
534%Grampa: [gasp!]
534%Hutz: Just kidding.
534%-- Grampa inherits $106,000, ``Old Money''
535%Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks
535%just like a cigar. Isn't that something!
535%-- Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, ``Old Money''
536%Grampa: Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated
536% like human beings! whether they have money or not?
536%Director: Yes, but it passes.
536%-- The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... ``Old Money''
537%Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting
537%a family in Texas.
537%-- Bea's ghost appears, ``Old Money''
538%Hiya. You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line.
538%If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW!
538%If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW!
538%If you have trouble maintaining an...
538%-- ``Old Money''
539%Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive
539% food and water. The floor can become electrified, and showers of
539% icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it... The Monroe Box!
539%Grampa: Uh huh. Sounds interesting. How much will it cost to build?
539%Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part! It's already built! I need the money
539% to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty.
539%Grampa: What are you trying to prove?
539%Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and
539% will harbor a deep resentment towards me.
539%Grampa: Mm. Interesting.
539%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
540%Man: With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy
540% an area the size of New York City.
540%Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them!
540%Man: Oh. Well, to be honest, the ray only has <evil> applications...
540%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money''
541%Lisa: The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums.
541% They're little children who need more library books, and they're
541% families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted
541% to, you could buy me a pony.
541%Grampa: You're right!
541%Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!
541%-- Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... ``Old Money''
542%Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and
542% for God's sakes, hurry!
542%Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone]
542%-- The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, ``Old Money''
543%Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: If you can make one heap
543% of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
543% and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe
543% a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is
543% in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
543%Homer: You'll be a bonehead!
543%-- Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, ``Old Money''
544%Grampa: Put it all on 41. [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
544%Roulette man: The wheel only goes to 36.
544%Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36.
544% [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number.
544%-- Grampa at the casino, ``Old Money''
545%Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to...
545%Kids: Kroon Along With Krusty! Yeah!
545% [singing]
545% I want to go to Mt. Splashmore,
545% Take me, take me, take me, take me now!
545% Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
545% Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now! Yay!
545%-- ``A rather shameless promotion'', ``Brush with Greatness''
546%Homer: [asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth]
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No!
546% [following Homer walking down the hallway]
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546% [at the dinner table]
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No!
546% [as Homer watches television with a beer in his hand]
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No.
546% [as Homer takes a shower]
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: No!!
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: NO!!!!
546% [as Homer tries to get some sleep]
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: NO!!!!!!
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: NO!!!!!!!!
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: NOOO!!
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: NOOOOO!!!
546% [Marge pulls her pillow over her head]
546% If I take you will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME!
546%Bart: Yeah!
546%Lisa: Of course!
546%Bart: Well?
546%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
546%Homer: Yes!
546%Bart+Lisa Thanks, dad!
546%-- The persistence of memory? ``Brush with Greatness''
547%Everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ...
547%[turns around, everybody is gone] D'oh!
547%-- Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore,
547% ``Brush with Greatness''
548%Challenge the raging water of DEATH.
548%Dare to discover what water is really made of!
548%H2WHOA!
548%-- Mt. Splashmore announcer, ``Brush with Greatness''
549%Bart: Okay, Lis. Turn on the water works, babe.
549%Lisa: [crying] Mommy! I want my mommy! [sob sob]
549%-- How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt. Splashmore,
549% ``Brush with Greatness''
550%Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and
550%five hundred pounds.
550%-- Newscaster on Homer's getting stuck in the water slide,
550% ``Brush with Greatness''
551%Krusty: [surrounded by reporters]
551% No, this slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident.
551%Kent Brockman: I understand that Krusty... [lost in the reporters' yelling]
551% Krusty! Was that exactly what you said just before the recall of
551% tainted `Krusty Brand Mayonnaise'?
551%Krusty: Now kids, you know that question is out of bounds.
551% This interview is over.
551%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
552%Homer: All right, family. I want the truth. Don't pull any punches.
552% [sweetly] Am I just a little bit overweight?
552% [silence]
552% [angrily] Well, am I?
552%Lisa: Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response.
552%-- Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, ``Brush with Greatness''
553%Oh! Four hundred and thirty-seven... Fifty pounds?
553%Oh my God! Three hundred and... A hundred and fifty?
553%OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh.
553%Oh my God! It's two hundred and sixty pounds!
553%I'm a big fat pig!
553%-- The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, ``Brush with Greatness''
554%Marge: You do have big bones.
554%Homer: Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bones!
554%-- Homer finds he weighs 260 pounds, ``Brush with Greatness''
555%I am going on a diet.
555%From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent!
555%No donut too tasty!
555%No pizza too laden with delicious toppings
555%to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight!
555%As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!
555%-- Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
556%Bart: Hey, Homer, I found your weights.
556%Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer...
556%-- Up in the attic, ``Brush with Greatness''
557%Marge: Oh Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl.
557% The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on him.
557%Homer: A likely story...
557%-- Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings,
557% ``Brush with Greatness''
558%Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?
558%-- Homer, setting out on his diet, ``Brush with Greatness''
559%Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things!
559%-- Homer admires a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
560%Hello! Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?
560%-- Homer bites into a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness''
561%Hey Mom, these paintings are good.
561%While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is,
561%I'd love to hear the particulars of how <your> gift was squashed.
561%-- Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting talent,
561% ``Brush with Greatness''
562%Lisa: Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College.
562%Marge: I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer?
562%Homer: Do I have to do anything?
562%Marge: No.
562%Homer: Great! Fine! Go nuts!
562%-- A loving, supportive husband, ``Brush with Greatness''
563%I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class.
563%I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu,
563%pushed too far by convenience store bandits.
563%I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'.
563%-- Apu, at Springfield Community College, ``Brush with Greatness''
564%Marvelous!
564%-- Prof. Lombardo sees a handyman paint the handrail, ``Brush with Greatness''
565%Now, using the Lombardo method, you learn to see everyday objects
565%as a simple grrouping of geometrical shapes. Heah, we see how two
565%concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses, and yes! even a rrhombus!
565%can create an adorable little bunny-rabbit. It's just that easy!
565%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
566%Bravo! Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages.
566%[to next student]
566%You! Not another stroke! Oh well, maybe one more, that's it! Perfect!
566%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness''
567%Marge, please, I don't take praise very well!
567%[sees a sign painter]
567%Oh! Another triumph!
567%-- Prof. Lombardo, ``Brush with Greatness''
568%Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait
568%was as half-baked as your idea about me having children!
568%-- Burns chews out Smithers, ``Brush with Greatness''
569%Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson.
569%Burns: Who?
569%Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair,
569% and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily
569% intimidated.
569%Burns: Excellent.
569%-- Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
570%Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
570%Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
570%Burns: Shut up.
570%-- Too much of a good thing? ``Brush with Greatness''
571%Marge: That's wonderful, isn't it kids?
571%Lisa: [to Bart] Pass the moo juice.
571%Marge: Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support?
571%Lisa: Way to go, Dad!
571%Bart: You look mahvelous!
571%Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula]
571%-- Homer reaches his weight goal, ``Brush with Greatness''
572%Donut man: Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up.
572%Worker: Heh. Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet.
572%Donut man: Oh my God. And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead]
572%-- Homer's diet depresses the local economy, ``Brush with Greatness''
573%Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
573%Marge: Well, no. Just Ringo Starr.
573%Burns: Ring-Go?
573%Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called
573% the Beatles, sir.
573%Burns: Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key
573% caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What <was> Ed thinking?
573%-- Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
574%Smithers: Ah, sir. At least the world will see you as I always have.
574%Burns: [trying to get him to shut up] Yes, yes, yes.
574%-- Preparing for a portrait, ``Brush with Greatness''
575%Marge: What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns?
575% Did you have a dog that you loved?
575%Burns: Well... Daah! There's something on my leg. [waves his leg]
575% Get it off! Get it off! [Maggie is clutching his leg] Ugh!
575%Marge: [takes Maggie, holds her up] Mr. Burns, she's just a baby.
575%Maggie: [suck suck suck]
575%Burns: [still scared] Ooh!
575%-- Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', ``Brush with Greatness''
576%Homer: All right, all right. Who took the funny pages?
576%Smithers: [reading to Burns] So Ziggy goes to the repair shop,
576% there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'.
576%Burns: Heh heh. Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?
576%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
577%Bart: Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body?
577%Burns: [opens the door] I heard that.
577%-- Marge accidentally bursts in on Burns (naked) in the bathroom,
577% ``Brush with Greatness''
578%Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir?
578%Burns: Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor.
578%-- Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, ``Brush with Greatness''
579%Burns: [off camera] Smithers! I want my tea!
579%Marge: Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
579%Smithers: Oh ho ho. Actually, I value every second we're together.
579% From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning,
579% til I tuck him in at night.
579% He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too.
579%Burns: [sipping the tea] Bah! Too hot! [spills it on Smithers]
579%Smithers: Right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak.
579%-- ``Brush with Greatness''
580%Dear Sally. In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966,
580%me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard.
580%Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo.
580%PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
580%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
581%Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt!
581%-- Homer is proud of his weight loss, ``Brush with Greatness''
582%If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. [leaves, crying]
582%--Homer reacts to Burns' insulting his weight, ``Brush with Greatness''
583%Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung
583%it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question,
583%yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French
583%fries `chips'. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply.
583%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness''
584%Friends, art lovers, security personnel...
584%-- Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing of the
584% art museum, ``Brush with Greatness''
585%He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it.
585%-- Art critic, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
586%You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate.
586%-- Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, ``Brush with Greatness''
587%Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
587%Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did.
587%-- On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness''
588%1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover?
588% She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake.
588%2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well.
588% [Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying]
588%Lisa: My God, she's been dumped again...
588%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
589%Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long.
589% I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease.
589% Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
589%Ralph: What's lyme disease?
589%Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one. [goes to blackboard] Lyme disease
589% is spread by small parasites called `ticks'. [writes `TICKS'
589% on blackboard] When a diseased tick attaches itself to
589% you, it begins sucking your blood...
589%Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
589%Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually
589% spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
589%Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God...
589%Class: Wow!
589%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
590% [a scream is heard from the room above]
590%Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you!
590%-- Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, ``Lisa's Substitute''
591%Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
591%-- Bart shows a videotape of kittens being born, ``Lisa's Substitute''
592%Bergstrom: [enters the classroom, guns ablazin']
592%Skinner: Are you the substitute?
592%Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
592%Skinner: Are you insane?
592%-- Principal Skinner doesn't quite get Bergstrom's unorthodox teaching
592% technique, ``Lisa's Substitute''
593%And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen.
593%Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely.
593%-- Mr. Bergstrom's lesson on the American West, ``Lisa's Substitute''
594%Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library,
594% featuring an ABC of the over[something] genre. Asimov,
594% Bester, Clarke!
594%Student: What abouy Ray Bradbury?
594%Martin: [dismissing] I'm aware of his work...
594% [orating] Thank you, and... Keep watching the skies...
594%-- Martin's campaign speech for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
595%Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat.
595% How can I put this? Does your father help you with it.
595%Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
595%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
596%Martin: [campaign speech] In a sample taken in this very classroom,
596% a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
596%Bart: That's not enough! We demand MORE asbestos!
596% [leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS']
596%-- Martin and Bart run for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
597%Homer: Wow! You made the front page!
597%Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest?
597%Homer: JUST a popularity contest?
597% Excuse me. What's more important than popularity?
597%-- Bart runs for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
598%I always knew you had personality.
598%The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
598%-- Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president,
598% ``Lisa's Substitute''
599%He says there aren't any easy answers.
599%I say, he's not looking hard enough!
599%-- Bart's campaign speech against Martin, ``Lisa's Substitute''
600%Martin's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy!
600% Bart's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! [scrawled]
600%-- The campaign for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
601%You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
601%-- Lisa comments on Bart's campaign antics, ``Lisa's Substitute''
602%Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow,
602% and I think you should take her.
602%Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning
602% on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching
602% TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the
602% boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.
602%Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your
602% relationship with her.
602%Bart: Me too, Mom. I think you're drifting apart.
602%Homer: Shut up, boy.
602%Marge: Homer, please.
602%Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
602% [thinking to himself] You're trapped. If you were smarter, you
====================== End of Part 3 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 4 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part4"
====================== Begin of Part 4 of 10 =========================
602% might think of something. But you're not, so you just might as
602% well... [speaks up] All right, all right, I'll take her.
602% [sotto voce] Lousy brain.
602%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
603%Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'?
603%Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir.
603%Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero?
603%Clerk: That is up to you.
603%Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it?
603%Clerk: Yes.
603%Homer: I see. And you think that people are going to pay
603% you $4.50 even though they don't have to?
603% Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs]
603% Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it!
603%-- Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum entrance,
603% ``Lisa's Substitute''
604%Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
604%-- Homer admires the mummy at the museum, ``Lisa's Substitute''
605%She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education,
605%youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, ``Why me? What
605%did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...'' [cries]
605%-- Homer talks to Mr. Bergstrom on Lisa's need for a strong male role model,
605% ``Lisa's Substitute''
606%Mr. B: There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
606%Homer: Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
606%Mr. B: I <am> giving her an A.
606%Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
606%Mr. B: Mr. Simpson, she <did> earn it.
606%Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that.
606%-- On Lisa's education, ``Lisa's Substitute''
607%Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner?
607%Lisa: Oh, Mom! That's wonderful!
607% Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it?
607%Marge: Sure.
607%Lisa: Can I wear your jewelry?
607%Marge: Sure.
607%Lisa: Can I get my ears pierced?
607%Marge: No.
607%Lisa: Can I dye my shoes pink?
607%Marge: Yes.
607%Lisa: Can I paint my nails?
607%Marge: No.
607%Lisa: Can we have wine?
607%Marge: Yes.
607%Lisa: Can I have wine?
607%Marge: No.
607%Lisa: Does Bart have to be there?
607%Marge: Yes.
607%Lisa: Can we do it this week?
607%-- Setting the ground rules, ``Lisa's Substitute''
608%Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be
608% [spells it on the board] psychosomatic.
608%Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?
608%Student 2: No, that means she was faking it.
608%Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both.
608%-- Miss Hoover returns to teaching, ``Lisa's Substitute''
609%Bart: I demand a recount!
609%Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin.
609% Would you like another recount?
609%Bart: [realizing he's beat] No.
609%Ms. K: [enjoying it] Well, I just want to make sure.
609% One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles]
609%-- The Apathy Party loses again, ``Lisa's Substitute''
610%That's the problem with being middle-class.
610%Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.
610%-- Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, ``Lisa's Substitute''
611%Bart didn't get one vote?
611%Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us!
611%-- Homer, on Bart failing to be elected class president, ``Lisa's Substitute''
612%Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
612%-- Homer tries to understand Lisa, ``Lisa's Substitute''
613%Lisa: You, sir, are a baboon!
613%Homer: [gasp] Me?
613%Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!
613%Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying...
613%Lisa: BABOON! [leaves in tears]
613%Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe
613% it was her.
613%-- ``Lisa's Substitute''
614%Mmm... Horse doovers...
614%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
615%Marge: [slaps Homer's hand] Homer! You promised.
615%Homer: I promised I wouldn't eat? Never! You lie!
615%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons''
616%Homer: Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all
616% the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything?
616%Marge: That was our wedding!
616%Homer: Oh.
616%-- pre-party discussion, ``War of the Simpsons''
617%Marge: Oh, they're here. How does everything look?
617%Homer: Yeah, how do I look?
617%Marge: Do we have enough glasses?
617%Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes?
617%Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on.
617%Homer: What are all our friends' names again?
617%-- pre-party panic, ``War of the Simpsons''
618%And the house! You've done...
618%[looks at the living room; nothing spectacular] Whatever!
618%-- Ned tries to compliment the Simpsons, ``War of the Simpsons''
619%Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it!
619%Ned: Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of
619% bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor.
619%Homer: Really? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem
619% to be slurring my speech. You're right! Gimme another.
619%-- Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, ``War of the Simpsons''
620%Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol. Remember last year at the Winfields'
620% party when you threw up in the laundry hamper?
620%Homer: No.
620%Marge: Mm.
620%-- Homer starts getting tipsy, ``War of the Simpsons''
621%Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right?
621%I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful.
621%[she maces him] Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough]
621%Is that a new kind of mace? It's really painful.
621%-- Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), ``War of the Simpsons''
622%Dr. Hibert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you
622% roll him onto his stomach.
622%Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert. Thanks for coming.
622%Dr. Hibert: Remember, I said `if'.
622%-- The party's over, ``War of the Simpsons''
622% [And notice that she didn't roll him over! -- Chuck Anderson]
623%Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
623%Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
623%-- The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, ``War of the Simpsons''
624%I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there
624%was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you.
624%But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it!
624%-- Marge, ``War of the Simpsons''
625%Marge: You are going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred
625% him for life.
625%Homer: No, I didn't! I ... Oh, you mean inside, don't you.
625%-- ``War of the Simpsons''
626%Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little
626% strange and you probably don't understand why.
626%Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
626%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
627%Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect
627% for me.
627%Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
627%Homer: Awww.... [pats Bart's head]
627%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons''
628%We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including
628%`Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners'
628%and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'.
628%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
629%Marge: Grampa, could you do something?
629%Grampa: I can dress myself.
629%-- Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
630%Bart: Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this.
630% It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do.
630%Grampa: [reads] Eh heh. Uh huh. You're allowed to smoke cigars?
630%-- Marge leaves the kids in Grampa's care, ``War of the Simpsons''
631%Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty
631% Burger, and head for the arcade.
631%Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man. He trusts us. Are you sure it's
631% right to take advantage of him?
631%Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or
631% wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, ``Bleed Gramps dry.''
631%-- Grampa babysits the kids, ``War of the Simpsons''
632%A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer.
632%It takes a whole weekend to do that!
632%-- Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
633%Rev.: We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way, a happy marriage,
633% heh heh, won't be the one that got away.
633%Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions.
633%-- Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter retreat,
633% ``War of the Simpsons''
634%Ah, three couples. Our best turnout yet!
634%-- Rev. Lovejoy opens the marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
635%Ned: Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in <my> Bible
635% because she can't find hers.
635%Homer: [mutters] Oh. Lucky they don't keep guns in the house.
635%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
636%Rev.: Marge is going to tell us about your faults, why don't you tell
636% us about hers?
636%Homer: Oh, she's perfect.
636%Rev.: Come on, Homer, what are her faults?
636%Homer: Well, sometimes it can be annoying.
636%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
637%Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy
637% bar with bums and lowlifes.
637%Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
637%Rev.: Homer, don't interrupt.
637%Homer: Sorry.
637%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
638%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate.
638%Bart: Check.
638%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge.
638%Bart: Check.
638%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip.
638%Bart: Yep.
638%Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list?
638%Lisa: Grampa, what a question!
638%-- Shopping for groceries, ``War of the Simpsons''
639%It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis.
639%-- Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking advantage of Grampa,
639% ``War of the Simpsons''
640%Grampa: [pours Lisa a cup of coffee] Sugar?
640%Lisa: Yes, ten please.
640%Bart: [shaking] Hey Grampa, top me off.
640%Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee?
640%Bart: [snaps] For the last time, yes!
640%-- My breakfast with Grampa, ``War of the Simpsons''
641%Helen: Now, this is a trust exercise.
641% You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you.
641%Marge: Do I have to do this?
641%Rev.: No. Even if your husband <were> here, I wouldn't recommend it.
641%-- Marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons''
642%Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where
642%I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault.
642%I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.
642%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons''
643%Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is.
643%Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show.
643%-- Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', ``War of the Simpsons''
644%Holy mackerel!
644%-- Homer lands a catfish, ``War of the Simpsons''
645%Otto: Any chicks over eight?
645%Bart: Not yet, but the afternoon is young.
645%-- Bart throws a wild party, ``War of the Simpsons''
646%Bart: Lisa, what's wrong?
646%Lisa: Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's
646% rights movement for decades to come.
646%Bart: You're great at a party, Lis. Really great.
646%-- Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, ``War of the Simpsons''
647%Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
647%Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.
647%-- Is it contagious? ``War of the Simpsons''
648%I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage.
648%-- Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake,
648% ``War of the Simpsons''
649%I'll never trust another old person...
649%-- Bart realizes Grampa duped him, ``War of the Simpsons''
650%Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of
650% bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but
650% if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day.
650%Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him?
650%Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet
650% tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel,
650% cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell.
650%-- The making of a legend, ``War of the Simpsons''
651%Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will
651% be gone!
651%Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper
651% the Wimpy Ghost.
651%Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and
651% I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
651%Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of
651% Richie Rich. [shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich]
651%Lisa: Hey, they do look alike!
651%Bart: Wonder how Richie died.
651%Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and
651% took his own life.
651%Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?
651%-- driving to the comics convention, ``Three Men and Comic Book''
652%Too bad you didn't come dressed as a popular cartoon character.
652%-- Lisa to Bart at the comics convention, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
652% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment]
653%Bart: Oooh, what's that?
653%Otto: My very own idea for a comic book, little man.
653% [unveils his conception of Busman, which bears a distinct resemblance
653% to Otto despite some anatomically awesome features]
653% It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night,
653% fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone!
653%Bart: Cool!
653%-- A Heroic Ideal, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
654%Radioactive Man: Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves that
654% I need to combat evil.
654%Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wished I was old enough to
654% smoke Laramies.
654%Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen.
654%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
655%Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his
655%bullet-riddled body was found?
655%-- Bart asks a pointed question at a Q&A session at the comic convention,
655% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
656%Bart: Wow, Radioactive Man #1! I bet it's worth a million bucks!
656%Dealer: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for a hundred, because you
656% remind me of me.
656%-- A deal that's hard to beat, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
657%Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know:
657%To buy that comic book!
657%-- Bart, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
658%Bart: I need a hundred dollars for a comic book.
658%Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michael Milangelo?
658%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
659%Bart: I want this more than anything in the world.
659%Homer: Well, T.S.!
659%-- Bart wants $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No.
660%Bart: Please, Dad.
660%Homer: No! Now look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like
660% this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. (It shows
660% you've been paying attention.) But we all know I'm not gonna give
660% you a hundred dollars. Now, are you going to stop bugging me?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: No.
660%Homer: Are you?
660%Bart: OKAY!!!!
660%Homer: Hoo hoo! I win! In your face! Yeah, how do you like them apples?
660%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
661%Young Selma: We'll give you half our allowance.
661%Young Patty: Uh huh. But you have to be our slave.
661%Young Marge: Oh, okay.
661%Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time.
661%Young Patty: Uh huh. Let's take up smoking.
661%-- Marge wants to buy a light-bulb toy oven, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
662%Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
662%Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. Your already taking care
662% of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
662%Lisa: She means <you> should get a job, stupid!
662%-- Bart needs $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
663%Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, a la Wonder Years] Me? Get a job? Were they
663% serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my
663% childhood had slipped away, forever.
663%Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
663%Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither
663% did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we...
663%Homer: Bart! Stop it!
663%Bart: Sorry.
663%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
664%Bart: Ching-ching-ching! [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received
664% from Patty and Selma] [goes to the bank] Americanize this, my good man.
664%Clerk: Okay.
664%Bart: All those coins were only worth three lousy cents?
664%Clerk: Let the good times roll!
664%-- Bart is desperate for money, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
665%Bart: There you go, Apu.
665%Apu: Ah, very good. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a
665% jumbo cherry squishy?
665%Bart: No, not today, I need the dime.
665%Apu: Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade.
665%-- Young entrepeneurship, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
666%Barney: Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this
666% week.
666%Bart: Beat it.
666%-- No harm in trying, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
667%Cop: Hey, uh, do you have liquor license here, young fella?
667%Bart: Uh, my dog ate it.
667%-- Bart's one-time lemonade stand is now a beer stand,
667% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
668%Dried apricots? Almond paste? Sauerkraut candy!
668%-- Mrs. Quick offers Bart some sweets, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
669%[Asa pulls the pin, ready to throw the grenade]
669%This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the
669%boys in D company. Yeah... Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob. And Reggie. Yeah,
669%even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to know hi...
669%[*** KABOOM ***]
669%-- And the rest is history, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
670%Woman: Jack, please, I'm married.
670%Jack: [embraces her] Ha. Must be what's turning me on. [hot stuff ensues]
670%Mrs.Q: Filthy! But genuinely arousing.
670%-- Mrs. Quick watches a smarmy soap, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
671%Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
671%-- Bart, Romancing the Comic, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
672%No, no, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch.
672%Amputate my arm, but not the .... AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
672%-- Bart is treated by Mrs. Quick, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
673%Mrs. Quick: Bart! You didn't say `Thank you'.
673%Bart: Listen Lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can
673% leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I
673% am saying `Thank you'.
673%Mrs. Quick: You're welcome!
673%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
673% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
674%Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money.
674%Bart: Really?
674%Homer: Naah.
674%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
674% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
675%Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
675%Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was <twice> your age before I figured
675% that out.
675%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents,
675% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
676%Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars?
676%Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that?
676%Martin: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home.
676% I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake!
676%Dealer: No way. [notices Bart] What do you want?
676%Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five?
676%-- Unsuccessful haggling, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
677%Bart: Look pal, we got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy
677% Radioactive Man #1. So why don't you just waddle over
677% there and get it?
677%Dealer: Yes, sir.
677%-- Bart in charge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
678%Martin: I would've thought that being hit by an atomic bomb would've
678% killed him.
678%Bart: Now you know better.
678%-- The gang read the original `Radioactive Man' comic,
678% ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
679%Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays,
679% Millhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will
679% take it Wednesdays and Saturdays.
679%Bart: Perfect!
679%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays?
679%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what <about> Sundays?
679%Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number
679% generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Millhouse will
679% have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9.
679%Bart: Perfect!
679%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0?
679%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what <about> 0?
679%Millhouse: Yeah.
679%Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined
679% by Rock Scissors Paper competition, best 3 out of 5. How's that?
679%Bart and : Oh, okay.
679%Millhouse: Yeah, all right.
679%-- An Equitable Split, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
680%Bart: Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers.
680%Martin: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go
680% to the bathroom?
680%-- Crime and Punishment, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
681%I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows?
681%-- Marge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
682%Bart: We worked so hard, and now it's all gone.
682% We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share.
682%Millhouse: What's your point?
682%Bart: Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off.
682%-- The moral of the story, ``Three Men and a Comic Book''
683%Diamond Joe Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests,
683% I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the
683% off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the
683% good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
683% [sign lights up, ``Relax. Everything is fine.'']
683%Crowd: Aah. [applause]
683% [sign lights up, ``Minor leak. Roll up window.'']
683%Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
683% [sign lights up, ``Meltdown. Flee city.'']
683%Crowd: [scattered applause]
683% [sign lights up, ``Core explosion. Repent sins.'']
683%Crowd: [stunned silence]
683%Homer: Hee hee. Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any
683% power to light that sign!
683%-- Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster Warning Sign,
683% ``Blood Feud''
684%No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's
684%an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out]
684%-- Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, ``Blood Feud''
685%Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me
685%really hit the spot.
685%-- Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the blood necessary
685% to save his life, ``Blood Feud''
686%I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions
686%of dollars who needs our help. And you don't want to cash in?
686%-- Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of his coworkers
686% wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
687%[showing Maggie flashcards] Maggie, look! What's that? Lemur.
687%[slowly] Le-mur. [next card] Zebu. [slowly] Ze-bu.
687%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
688%Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu?
688%Lisa: It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap.
688% [indicating to Maggie] [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap! Hump and dewlap!
688%-- Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
689%Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
689%Bart: Is it a Bible story?
689%Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion
689% who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it
689% out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And
689% Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is,
689% the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
689%Bart: How did a lion get rich?
689%Homer: It was the olden days!
689%Bart: Oh.
689%-- ``Blood Feud''
690%Burns: [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to
690% dictate my epitaph.
690%Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead.
690%Burns: Charles Montgomery Burns. ... American... Patriot... American...
690% Patriot... [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge
690% of the despot! [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant! Hear his
690% mighty name, and quake! [gets up] Smithers, I'm back!
690%-- Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
691%Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye! Why, look who's here!
691% It's ... good old... You!
691%Man: Hi, Mr. Burns.
691%Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes! How about that ..
691% local sports team!
691%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
692%Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar!
692%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
693%You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and
693%tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood
693%of a young boy.
693%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud''
694%Burns: By the way, what was the lad's name?
694%Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
694%Burns: Who?
694%Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs
694% in sector 7-G.
694%-- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, `Blood Feud''
695%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
695%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
695%Summons. [tosses into wastebasket]
695%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket]
695%-- Homer goes through the daily mail, ``Blood Feud''
696%Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors
696% can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on more lights. Oh, do
696% something!
696%Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler]
696%-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''
697%Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even
697%a lousy card! Wait a minute... there <was> a card...
697%-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a
697% thank-you card, ``Blood Feud''
698%Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do
698% them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
698%Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly]
698% you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells
698% and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
698%Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.
698%-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood, ``Blood Feud''
699%Homer: Bart! Take a letter!
699% Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my
699% son's blood. And your `card' was `just great'. In case you can't
699% tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last
699% part back to me?
699%Bart: `You stink!'
699%Homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy,
699% with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...'
699%Bart: An elephant's butt?
699%Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.'
699%-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, ``Blood Feud''
700%I'm with you, Homer! Fight the Power!
700%-- Barney provides encouragement as Homer kicks the mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
701%Homer: I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will
701% be able to read it!
701%Bart: Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there?
701%Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo!
701% You know the kind of letters people write. ``Dear somebody you've
701% never heard of, How is so-and-so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
701% Yours truly, some bozo.'' Big loss.
701%-- On watering the mail to prevent a letter from being mailed, ``Blood Feud''
702%Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you
702% know my name and address and everything, huh?
702%Postal Worker: That's right.
702%Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]
702%-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, ``Blood Feud''
703%Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous?
703%Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself] What in blazes!
703%-- Burns hires a ghost writer, ``Blood Feud''
704%Homer: [trying to disguise his voice]
704% Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
704%Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
704%Homer: [brief pause] I don't know.
704% [outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
704%-- Trying to intercept a letter, ``Blood Feud''
705%Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
705%Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and
705% your father is trying to worry.
705%-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, ``Blood Feud''
706%Burns: Who are you?
706%Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.
706% [aloud] Homer Simpson.
706% [thinks] D'oh!
706%-- Thinking fast on your feet, ``Blood Feud''
707%I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is
707%a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell.
707%I'll just crush him like an ant.
707%-- Burns plans his next move, ``Blood Feud''
708%Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never
708% believed it.
708%Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it.
708% We were just trying to scare you.
708%-- Bart destroys the family, ``Blood Feud''
709%In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you.
709%`What's that?' you say? Me thanking you?
709%No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much
709%as you enjoyed reading it. The End.
709%-- Burns finishes his book, ``Blood Feud''
710%Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
710%Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
710%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has
710% anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons]
710% [to phone] Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going
710% to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with
710% an ice pick.
710%-- Another phone prank, ``Blood Feud''
711%Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
711%Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
711%Moe: Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems.
711%Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch]
711%-- But does it work? ``Blood Feud''
712%We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable,
712%utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
712%-- Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? ``Blood Feud''
713%Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here.
713%Bart: Wow, a crowbar!
713%Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.
713%-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, ``Blood Feud''
714%Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard]
714%Lisa: No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly] Ol-mec.
714%Maggie: [falls down]
714%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''
715%Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing!
715% Just a big scary rock.
715%Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
715%Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a
715% good deed is its own reward.
715%Bart: Hey, we <got> a reward. The head is cool.
715%Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
715%Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've
715% gotten anything.
715%Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
715%Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
715%Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
715%Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
715%Homer: Amen to that!
715% [laughter all around]
715%-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, ``Blood Feud''
716%Ned: Come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're going to fire up ol'
716% Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy-nummy-num!
716% [hands Homer an invitation]
716%Homer: I'll be there! [sotto voce] Notty-notty-not.
716%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
717%The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon.
717%Incredible Ned-ibles.
717%Maude-acious vittles.
717%-- Lisa reads Ned's barbecue invitation, ``When Flanders Failed''
718%Stupid Flanders. Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back
718%and I was dead from not eating. They'd cry their eyes out. [mock crying]
718%``We should have never gone to the Flanders'. Oh, why did we go to the
718%Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?'' And I'll be laughing,
718%laughing from my grave, ha ha ha.
718%-- Homer really knows how to show 'em, ``When Flanders Failed''
719%Hmm, let's see...
719%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
719%Naah...
719%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON DECLARES WORLD PEACE]
719%Mmm...
719%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON WINS SUPER BOWL]
719%Hey!
719%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
720%Come on, Homer. I've got an ambition to do some wishin'!
720%-- Ned Flanders, ``When Flanders Failed''
721%[dreams of a penniless Ned]
721%Ooh!
721%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
721% a `Going out of business' sign]
721%Heh heh heh heh.
721%[dreams of a grave with the tombstone, ``RIP Ned Flanders']
721%Eh, too far.
721%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with
721% a `Going out of business' sign]
721%Mm! Okay, ready.
721%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed''
722%Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
722%Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.
722%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
723%Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend.
723%-- Homer explains, ``When Flanders Failed''
724%Akira: Hello, I am Akira. Ha! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
724% That didn't hurt very much, because I know the ancient art of karate.
724% [lying on his back with a giant rock on his chest, as two men pound the
724% rock with sledgehammers]
724% Karate focuses the mind and gives you self-confidence.
724% People from all walks of life...
724% Doctors...
724%Man: Hai-ya! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead, in the process,
724% breaking his glasses, which he forgot to take off]
724%Akira: Home makers...
724%Woman: Hoi-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
724%Akira: Landscape architects...
724%Woman: Haiiiii-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead]
724%Akira: Choreographers...
724%Man: Hoa! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead]
724%Akira: High karate, at low, low prices.
724%George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal!
724% [smashes a wooden board with his head]
724% [TV caption: Washington's Birthday Sale, $10 a lesson]
724%-- TV advertisement, ``When Flanders Failed''
725%Absotively posilutely!
725%-- Ned Flanders' way of saying, `yes', ``When Flanders Failed''
726%Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it.
726%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy.
726% Can we break out the nunchucks?
726%Akira: Ah yes, the impetuousness of youth. For now, let us read...
726%Bart: Akira, my good man, when do we break block of ice with our heads?
726%Akira: First, you must fill you head with wisdom, then you can hit ice with it.
726%Bart: Yo, sensei. Can I go to the bathroom?
726%Akira: You can if you believe you can.
726%Bart: [leaving] Pay money to read books, pffft. The hell with this!
726%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
727%Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
727%Homer: No, I do not know what shaden-frawde is.
727% [sarcasm] Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
727%Lisa: It's a German term for `shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering
727% of others.
727%Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
727% [getting mad]
727% He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones,
727% and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy
727% thing of yours?
727%Lisa: [nastily] Sour grapes.
727%Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!
727%-- Selbstverstaendlich! ``When Flanders Failed''
728%Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
728%-- Marge, ``When Flanders Failed''
729%Homer: Hey, boy! How was class?
729%Bart: Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him
729% before he dies!
729%Homer: Ooh. That'll learn him.
729%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed''
730%Ned: I think word of mouth is starting to spread.
730%Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase.
730%Ned: Oh, right as rain! Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh.
730%Man: Just stamp the ticket.
730%Ned: Oh, okay.
730%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
731%Burns: And what's your name?
731%Homer: Homer Simpson, sir.
731%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'm Monty Burns.
731%-- Pleased to meet you, again, ``When Flanders Failed''
732%Burns: [reads an entry in the suggestion box]
732% `Keep that handsome owner out of sight,
732% he's distracting the female employees'.
732% Oh, Smithers...
732%Smithers: You got me, sir.
732%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
733%Burns: Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!
733%Homer: Um, Mr. Burns? ... [dreams of Ned's Leftorium store]
733%Ned: [in Homer's dream] Come on, Homer, tell him about the store!
733% I'm dying out here!
733%Homer: Sorry, Flanders. [leaves]
733%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
734%Ned: See anything you like? [at Ned's lawn sale]
734%Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough
734% for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello!
734%-- Homer espies Ned's gas grill, ``When Flanders Failed''
735%Homer: Hey, Bartly-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney?
735%Bart: Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly!
735%Homer: Heh heh, duddly-doodly.
735%-- Talking like Ned Flanderoosky, ``When Flanders Failed''
736%I'm sure <you> did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery.
736%-- Lisa, ``When Flanders Failed''
737%Chuck: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Chuck Ellis, from the Springfield Collection
737% Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay
737% your bills.
737%Homer: Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many!
737%Chuck: Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money?
737% We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders.
737%Homer: I know, but... Wait a minute, I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives
737% over there. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure?
737%Chuck: Ha. We don't make mistakes.
737%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
738%Ned: At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace,
738% but even the Good Book can't help me now.
738%Homer: Why not?
738%Ned: I sold it to you for seven cents.
738%Homer: Oh.
738%-- ``When Flanders Failed''
739%Homer: Listen, Flanders, you still have that store?
739%Ned: For two more days. [sniff] It becomes Libertarian Party headquarters.
739% I hope they have better luck than I did.
739%-- Fat chance, ``When Flanders Failed''
740%`Kiss me, I'm left-handed''? [laughs] Oh, that's a classic! [laughs]
740%Whoa! [falls off the table]
740%-- Barney, bastion of balance, ``When Flanders Failed''
741%It's all here, and it's all backwards!
741%-- Homer hypes Ned's Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
742%Burns: [talking to a tin can]
742% Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend?
742% Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of
742% the left hand of Burns!
742%Moe: My life begins today!
742%Barney: [wearing a `Kiss me, I'm left-handed' shirt] Wow, what an icebreaker!
742% [two pretty girls kiss him]
742%Chuck: Left-handed ledgers! Now I can write all the way to the edge!
742%Akira: Ha ha ha. Left-handed nunchucks!
742%-- Shopping at the Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed''
743%Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends.
743%-- Ned, ``When Flanders Failed''
744%Hey, we're like the Waltons. We're praying for the end of the Depression, too.
744%-- Bart reacts to President Bush's 1992 State of the Union Address
745%Lisa: [wakes up Bart]
745%Bart: Lisa! It's 6am! Something's wrong. Dad died!
745%Lisa: No no, he's fine!
745%Bart: Well, whaddya know, I'm relieved.
745%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
746%Lisa: Bart, in two days, I'm going to be eight years old.
746% It's a big number, almost double digits.
746%Bart: Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the
746% big one-oh. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good
746% any more...
746%Lisa: Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out?
746%Bart: Sorry, this old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he.
746%-- Pre-life crisis? ``Stark Raving Dad''
747%Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hot-Line!
747%If you haven't asked your parent's permission, naughty-naughty!
747%But Krusty forgives you.
747%($2 for the first minute, 50 cents for each additional minute.)
747%[laughs and laughs and laughs]
747%Thanks for calling, kids! A new message every day!
747%-- 1-909-O-U-KLOWN, ``Stark Raving Dad''
748%Marge: Bart, I asked you to watch your sister [Maggie].
748%Bart: I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me!
748%-- A likely story, ``Stark Raving Dad''
749%Aagh! Pink?
749%Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work.
749%Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different...
749%-- Homer finds all his shirts are pinko, ``Stark Raving Dad''
750%Burns: Why is that man in pink!
750%Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir.
750% He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
750%Burns: Simpson, eh?
750%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
751%Burns: Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of
751% free-thinking anarchist.
751%Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
751%Burns: Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already
751% paid for themselves...
751%-- Homer wears a pink shirt to work, ``Stark Raving Dad''
752%Burns: Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here?
752%Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity
752% took months. That's all changed, thanks to the Marvin Monroe
752% take-home personality test. Twenty simple questions that will
752% determine exactly how crazy or [makes quotation sign with fingers]
752% `meshuggeneh' someone is. [hands it to Homer]
752%Homer: [reading] Print name? [moans] Oh...
752%-- In triplicate, please... ``Stark Raving Dad''
753%Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?
753%Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.
753%Homer: D'oh!! Oh, okay.
753%Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson.
753% [reads]
753% I had a cat named Snowball --
753% She died! She died!
753% Mom said she was sleeping --
753% She lied! She lied!
753% Why oh why is my cat dead?
753% Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?
753% [next verse]
753% I had a hamster named Snuffy --
753% He died...
753%Homer: [takes his form] No deal.
753%-- Death and Transfiguration, ``Stark Raving Dad''
754%Bart: Dad, maybe you should do this.
754%Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me.
754% Remember that absentee ballot?
754%-- On filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
755%Announcer: Our $50,000 home video finalists are...
755% Man Breaking Hip. [sound of bowling pins, followed by a scream]
755%Homer: [chuckles]
755%Announcer: [chuckles]
755% Dog On Fire.
755% [doing a doggy voice]
755% Ruff, anybody order a hot dog?
755%Homer: [laughs uproariously] Oh, look at him!
755%Announcer: And finally, Baby With a Nail Gun. [kachunk]
755%Homer: Aww....
755%Announcer: Cast your votes now!
755%Homer: Dog On Fire! Dog On Fire!
755%-- America's Stupidest Home Videos, ``Stark Raving Dad''
756%Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices?
756%Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV...
756%Bart: [checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger?
756%Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up!
756%Bart: [checks] Yes. Do you wet your pants? Well, even the best of us
756% has an occasional accident.
756% [checks the remainder of the form `Yes' all the way down]
756%-- Filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad''
757%Careful, men. He wets his pants.
757%-- Smithers' instructions to security, ``Stark Raving Dad''
758%Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot]
758%Homer: Eh, the devil with his fly open.
758%Doctor: Right. [shows another]
758%Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're
758% going to eat it.
758%Doctor: Good. [shows another, which looks like Bart]
758%Homer: THE BOY!!!!!! [restrained by two orderlies]
758%-- I'm perfectly normal, really... ``Stark Raving Dad''
759%Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane?
759%Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method.
759% [stamps his hand, `INSANE']
759% Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane.
759%-- Does that mean he can come back for free? ``Stark Raving Dad''
760%Homer: Who are you?
760%Man: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons.
760%Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons...
760%-- Homer meets his cell-mate at the asylum, ``Stark Raving Dad''
760% [A little meta-humor for your enjoyment.]
761%Man: I can't believe you never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer.
761%Homer: Oh, of <course> I've heard of you! I mean, you'd have to be living
761% under a rock not to know... What'd you say your name was?
761%Man: Michael Jackson.
761%Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.
761%-- I own a mansion and a yacht... ``Stark Raving Dad''
762%Man: Well, have you heard of MTV?
762%Homer: No.
762%Man: Motown.
762%Homer: No.
762%Man: Beat It.
762%Homer: <You> beat it!
762%Man: Thriller.
762%Homer: What was that last one?
762%Man: Thriller.
762%Homer: Nope.
762%Man: Well, how about this...
762% [sings Billy Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab,
762% and moonwalk]
762%Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet?
762%Man: The moonwalk?
762%Homer: No, that thing with your feet!
762%Man: Here, look. Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on
762% the ball of your foot. [demonstrates]
762%Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards] D'oh!
762%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
763%Man: You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here?
763%Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt.
763%Man: I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed...
763%Homer: What'd you wear?
763%Man: One white glove, covered with rhinestones.
763%Homer: [crosses his eyes and does that `bebebebebebe' thing with his lips]
763%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
764%Lisa: Bart, in the split second before he died,
764% I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present.
764% Do you see how this relates to us?
764%Bart: Hey, you want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it, Sis.
764%- Lisa fishes for a birthday gift, ``Stark Raving Dad''
765%Man: Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. Give him any two
765% numbers, and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
765%Homer: Okay. Five times nine.
765%Floyd: Forty-five.
765%Homer: Wow!
765%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
766%Homer: I gotta call my family. Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling them
766% from a nuthouse. I mean, they think I'm a god!
766%Man: I could call them for you.
766%Homer: Oh great. And uh, try to put a good face on it.
766% Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight.
766%-- HS, Phone Home... ``Stark Raving Dad''
767%Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
767%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
768%Man: Hello? Who's this?
768%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
768%Man: I'm Michael Jackson.
768%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
769%Man: I'm Michael Jackson.
769%Bart: <The> Michael Jackson? [makes scoffing sound] No way!
769%Man: It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.
769%Bart: Uh huh. And is Elvis with you?
769%Man: Could be. It's a big hospital.
769%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
770%Man: Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a
770% lobotomy, do you?
770%Bart: Hm... lobotomy...
770% [begin dream]
770% [Bart is playing in the house and breaks a lamp]
770%Homer: [stitches on forehead still visible, wearing his pink shirt]
770% [zombie-like] That's all right, son...
770% [end dream]
770%Bart: Well, there's probably a down side I don't see.
770%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
771%[Bart jots down a message]
771%Uh huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us. Needs us. Fears he may never see
771%us again. Got it. [hangs up]
771%Michael Jackson, woo hoo! I love you, man!
771%-- A difference of priorities, ``Stark Raving Dad''
772%Bart: Hey, Mom! Dad's in a mental institution!
772%Marge: Oh, my God... Mother was right!
772%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
773%Man: Don't you worry. Your family's going to be here before you know it.
773%Patient: Forget it, pal.
====================== End of Part 4 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 5 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part5"
====================== Begin of Part 5 of 10 =========================
773% There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty.
773%Homer: What's that?
773%Patient: Dating a nurse.
773%Homer: [whining] Oh!
773%-- Escape from New Bedlam, ``Stark Raving Dad''
774%Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house!
774%Bart: No, Mom, you said poor house.
774%Marge: I said crazy house.
774%Bart: Poor house.
774%Marge: Crazy house.
774%Bart: Poor house.
774%Marge: Crazy house!
774%-- Den of iniquity? ``Stark Raving Dad''
775%Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam ``Wrongly Committed'' Hot-line.
775%All of our operators are currently busy. Please stand by.
775%[Muzak is `Crazy', Patsy Cline's biggest hit (written by Willie Nelson).]
775%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
776%Homer: [talking in his sleep] pancakes... football... boobies...
776% pork rinds... waffles...
776%Man: [to his stuffed animal] Bubbles, it's going to be a long night.
776%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
777%Dave: So I was working in an insurance company, right? Youngest VP
777% in the history of the firm, okay? The job was my life.
777% Then one Monday morning, I got up. I got up, I couldn't leave
777% the house. I just couldn't.
777%Homer: Was the door locked?
777%Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there.
777%Homer: Was it raining?
777%Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and
777% crowds. Please, Dave, go on.
777%Dave: Thank you. Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that
777% long drive to work.
777%Homer: Were you out of gas?
777%Nurse: [glares at Homer]
777%Homer: Pffft. Baby...
777%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
778%Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution
778% complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility.
778%Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning
778% our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
778%Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!
778%-- Springing Homer from the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
778% ``Stark Raving Dad''
779%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no
779% threat to yourself or others.
779%Homer: That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me.
779% Can I have it in writing, please?
779%Doctor: Of course. [hands Homer a certificate:
779% This certifies
779% HOMER SIMPSON
779% not insane.]
779%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
780%Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us.
780%Man: Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily.
780%Homer: You are!? Why?
780%Man: Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my `Off the Wall'
780% album just got one lousy Grammy nomination.
780%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
781%Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
781%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad''
782%Homer: [on the phone with Bart]
782% I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days.
782% [aside] Isn't that cute, he's heard of you.
782% [to phone] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some
782% beer on ice...
782%Man: Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
782%Homer: Are you <sure> you're here voluntarily?
782%-- Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting,
782% ``Stark Raving Dad''
783%Bart: [on the phone]
783% Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul.
783% ...
783% No, not even Millhouse. [hangs up]
783% [intense, but brief, mental struggle]
783% [dials phone]
783% Hello, Millhouse? Can you keep a secret?
783%Millhouse: No.
783%Bart: Oh, well, who cares.
783%-- I've got a secret, ``Stark Raving Dad''
784%This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town
784%since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that
784%Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be
784%henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway.
784%-- Mayor `Diamond' Joe Quimby, ``Stark Raving Dad''
785%Lisa: Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join
785% them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised
785% to get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask...
785%Bart: You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask.
785%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
786%Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me <for my birthday>
786%to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps
786%if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant
786%family reunion. But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [sobs]
786%-- Lisa writes a letter to Bart, ``Stark Raving Dad''
787%Bart: I can't write a song, I'm only ten.
787%Man: Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records!
787%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
788%Bart: Looney Toons, this is what Michael Jackson looks like.
788% [shows an album]
788% You're nothing but a big fat mental patient.
788%Man: You'd be amazed how often I hear that.
788%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
789%[to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March]
789%Lisa, her teeth are big and green.
789%Lisa, she smells like gasoline.
789%Lisa, da da da Disa.
789%She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a.
789%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
790%Man: Oh, she looks sad.
790%Bart: That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her.
790%Lisa: [turns] Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look
790% exactly the same even if you weren't.
790%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
791%Man: Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight?
791%Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike...
791%Man: Good. That's good. [plays and sings]
791% Your training wheels come off your bike,
791% You start to notice boy you like. Hee hee hee!
791%Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial.
791%Man: [chuckles]
791%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad''
792%Man: [in his normal voice] Well, my work is done here.
792%Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice?
792%Man: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer
792% from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one
792% day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this.
792% [in his normal voice] All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me,
792% and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it.
792% To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
792%Homer: Not me, I've got this! [shows his certificate]
792%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
793%Marge: Bye-bye, Leon.
793%Lisa: You're a credit to dementia!
793%-- ``Stark Raving Dad''
794%Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate.
794%Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling
794%going on, folks...
794%-- Bill Pie ``in the Sky'', KBBL traffic report, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
795%This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble. All talk, 24 hours a day.
795%If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening
795%audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin
795%Monroe. The number is 555-PAIN.
795%[Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone]
795%Don't be afraid, call now!
795%[Marge dashes for the phone]
795%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
796%Dr.MM: Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of
796% a marriage.
796%Homer: Hey, turn it up! I love hearing those wackos!
796%-- The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
797%Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist] Tell me about your husband, Marge.
797%Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more
797% romantic! ... [beginning to sob] And forty pounds thinner,
797% and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently] And he ate
797% with utensils! [breaks down crying]
797%-- Marge calls KBBL, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
798%Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing.
798%Marge: [pause] Oh, okay. Well, thank you. [about to hang up]
798%Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up!
798%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
799%Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother.
799% You are not the hot love object you deserve to be!
799%Marge: Really?
799%Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying.
799% Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got
799% to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you,
799% you will be leaving.
799%Marge: Leave Homer!?
799%Dr.MM: Please! Don't use his real name!
799%Marge: Leave Pedro!?
799%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
800%Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again!
800%Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor.
800%Moe: Moe's Tavern.
800%Bart: Hello, is Al there?
800%Moe: Al?
800%Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
800%Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic.
800% Is there an Al Coholic here?
800% [bar denizens laugh]
800% Wait a minute...
800% [to phone]
800% Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out
800% who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
800%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
801%Homer: Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
801%Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am! [huge belch]
801%-- From someone who should know, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
802%Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the
802% town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards.
802%-- Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
803%Homer: [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers.
803%Florist: What kind of flowers?
803%Homer: Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead.
803%Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55
803% a dozen.
803%Homer: [thinks] One, please.
803%-- Think small, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
804%Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment.
804%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
804%Bart: Is Oliver there?
804%Moe: Who?
804%Bart: Oliver Clothesoff.
804%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver
804% Clothesoff!
804%Bart+Lisa: [laugh]
804%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
805%Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree!
805%Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive!
805%Homer: It matters not, mon frere!
805%-- A night on the town with the boys? ``Some Enchanted Evening''
806%Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service!
806%Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son.
806%Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago?
806%Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson.
806%-- Just checking, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
807%Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a
807%quite misunderstood and underrated family.
807%-- Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
808%Aye-aye, Mambo-Man!
808%-- Bart, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
809%[moaning] Oh! The Elves! The Elves!
809%-- Quasi-Bart-o, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
810%Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more!
810%Lisa: But I want to see what happens.
810%Bart: You <know> what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure.
810% All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The End.
810%Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.
810%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
811%The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous.
811%If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL.
811%-- ``Some Enchanged Evening''
812%The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living
812%room, while the bandit roamed the house at will,
812%[TV pans over an empty house]
812%stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for!
812%-- Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', ``Some Enchanted Evening''
813%Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this.
813%-- Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt,
813% ``Some Enchanted Evening''
814%Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski.
814% You're the Babysitter Bandit.
814%Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep
814% your mouth shut.
814%Lisa: He isn't.
814%-- A little knowledge, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
815%Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you?
815%Lisa: We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit! She's tied up
815% at our house right now!
815%Bart: Ask if there's a reward.
815%Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts.
815%Bart: Yeah!
815%-- Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
816%Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice?
816%Homer: Sure.
816%Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second.
816%-- Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, ``Some Enchanted Evening''
817%Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
817%Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, you raised three
817% children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger,
817% you must be doing <something> right.
817%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening''
818%Lisa: `Id', triple-word score!
818%Homer: No abbreviations.
818%Lisa; Not I.D., Dad, `id'. It's a word!
818%Bart: As in ``This game is stoop-id''.
818%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
819%Bart: Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O.
819% Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points
819% for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. [gets up]
819%Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right]
819% Wait a minute, you little cheater!
819% You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.
819%Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
819%Marge: And a short temper.
819%Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
819%Bart: [making his escape] Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!
819%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius''
820%Pr.Sk: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
820%Martin: And a sloppy speller, too.
820% The preferred spelling of `wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R,
820% althoug E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
820%Pr.Sk: Good point.
820%-- Either way, he's still a weiner. ``Bart the Genius''
821%Now I don't want you to worry, class. These test will have no effect on your
821%grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
821%[looks at Bart] If any.
821%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
822%Remember to visualize the complex problem.
822%And relaaaaax. The test will start... [looks around calmly] [yells] Now!
822%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius''
823%Bart: [reading a test question]
823% The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe
823% bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away.
823%Ms.K: Shhh! [points to her head] Visualize it, Bart!
823%Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white] At the same time, the local train
823% travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix
823% bound for Santa Fe. It is eight cars long and always carries the
823% same number of passengers in each car. [Bart counts five passengers on
823% the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head)
823% and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5. The train travels through a numerical
823% landscape.]
823% An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of
823% minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six
823% get on. [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.]
823% At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice
823% as many get on as got on at the first stop. [Trampled again.
823% Bart spits out a number.]
823%Train conductor: Ticket, please.
823%Bart: I don't have a ticket!
823%Train conductor: Come with me, boy.
823% [drags Bart off. Numbers circle Bart's head]
823% We've got a stowaway, sir.
823%Bart: I'll pay! How much?
823% [the train engineer is... Martin! Shoveling numbers into the engine.]
823%Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare
823% Albuquerque to El Paso! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
823%-- Math is Hell, ``Bart the Genius''
824%What are you looking at, Bart! Are those naughty dogs back again?
824%-- Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, ``Bart the Genius''
825%Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning.
825% We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly
825% unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
825%Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do?
825%Marge: [whispers to Homer]
825%Homer: Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner]
825% My wife thinks you want <me> to pay for it.
825%Pr.Sk: That <was> the idea.
825%Homer: Oh.
825%-- ``Bart the Genius''
826%What do <we> need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
826%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
827%Dr.J: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but
827% as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt.
827% [hands Homer a slip of paper]
827%Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!?
827%Dr.J: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen.
827%Homer: [disappointed] Oh.
827%-- ``Bart the Genius''
828%Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers]
828% Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
828%Bart: Oh, you bet.
828%Dr.J: Mm hm. Do you ever feel a little frustrated?
828%Bart: All the time, sir.
828%Dr.J: Uh huh. And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own
828% intellectual development on an independent basis?
828%Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man.
828%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Genius''
829%Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him.
829%Dr.J: No, I think we should move him to another school.
829%Pr.Sk: Even better!
829%-- ``Bart the Genius''
830%Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen?
830%Dr.J: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity
830% and environment.
830%Homer: [stares blankly]
830%Dr.J: Although in some cases, it's a total mystery.
830%-- ``Bart the Genius''
831%Marge: It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more
831% nutritious.
831%Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he
831% is today! [looks at the box] It must be one of these chemicals
831% here that makes him so smart... Lisa?
831%Lisa: [looks up from her granola]
831%Homer: Maybe you should try some of this.
831%Marge: Homer!
831%Homer: I'm just saying, why not have <two> geniuses in the family?
831% Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
831%-- First day of genius school, ``Bart the Genius''
832%Bart: Oh no, ties!
832%Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine.
832% Here, let me show you how to put on a tie.
832% [takes off his clip-on]
832% The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there.
832%-- ``Bart the Genius''
833%Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may
833%achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations:
833%You may outsmart someone!
833%-- Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children,
833% ``Bart the Genius''
834%Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
834%Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him]
834% Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.
834%-- ``Bart the Genius''
835%Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm...
835% mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
835%Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum ``I dunno'']
835%Lisa: [brightly] Nurturing.
835%Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain.
835%-- ``Bart the Genius''
836%Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed,
836% it starts at eight.
836%Bart: [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight...
836%Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead
836% and enjoy the show.
836%Marge: Homer, you're going, too.
836%Homer: But I'm not a genius! Why should <I> suffer!?
836%-- ``Bart the Genius''
837%Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor.
837%Please use the cuspador.
837%That's what it's for.
837%-- Bart at the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
838%Marge: Bart, stop fooling around!
838% Homer, stop encouraging him.
838%Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're <supposed> to encourage him.
838%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
839%Homer: Who's the lard-butt?
839%Lisa: He's the bullfighter.
839%Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
839%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius''
840%Ms.M: So y = r^3/3. And if you determine the rate of change in this
840% curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
840%Class: [chuckles]
840%Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr,
840% or r dr r. Har-de-har-har, get it?
840%Bart: [not amused] Oh, yeah. [forced laugh]
840%-- Making math fun, ``Bart the Genius''
841%It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong.
841%-- Dr. J. Loren Pryor, ``Bart the Genius''
842%I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors
842%before he invented the light bulb.
842%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius''
843%Ms.K: [blows whistle] Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a
843% repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So
843% I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you,
843% Bart Simpson.
843%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!
843%-- It was like that when I got there! ``Homer's Odyssey''
844%Oooh, sorry little dudes. Party hearty equals tardy.
844%-- Otto, ``Homer's Odyssey''
845%Bart: Hey Otto! Hey Otto-man!
845%Otto: Hey Bart-dude!
845%Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto?
845%Otto: Ho! Funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up
845% with this one. [lifts his sleeve]
845%Bart: Cooool! I want one!
845%Otto: Not till your fourteen, my little friend.
845%Bart: [forlorn look]
845%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``Homer's Odyssey''
846%Please try not to shake the seat like that.
846%-- Wendell rides on the school bus, ``Homer's Odyssey''
847%Ms.K: Now class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the
847% window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck
847% his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck
847% coming in the other direction.
847%Bart: [arm tucked inside his shirt] And I was that fool!
847%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
848%Lewis: Look, there's our school again!
848%Ms. K: Otto, are you sure you...
848%Otto: It's a shortcut Mrs. K, trust me!
848%-- Field trip, ``Homer's Odyssey''
849%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel!
849%Mrs K: Bart! Not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the
849% humiliation of making you sing in front of the class.
849%Bart: Can I pick the song?
849%Mrs K: No! The song will be `John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man'.
849%Bart: [moans] Oh no. [zips his mouth shut]
849%Sherry: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson.
849%Terry: Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing.
849% [they consult privately, giggle, then both lean over the
849% bus seat and kiss Bart]
849%Bart: Waaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
849%Ms.K: That's it Bart! Oh, why can't you be more like... uh... uh... uh...
849%S+T: [raising their hands] Us, Mrs. Krabappel?
849%Otto: Yeah... Sherry and Terry, they know how to behave.
849%S+T: [halos appear over their heads as they sit angelically on the bus]
849%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
850%Bart: Da-da, da da-da, DA, Whoa!
850% They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard. [ungh]
850% And buried him in the sand. (oh yeah)
850% And every locomotive that came rollin' by
850%Ms.K: Bart!
850%Bart: said
850% There lies a steel-driving man,
850%Ms.K: Bart!
850%Bart: (lord lord, ooh)
850% There lies a steel...
850%Ms.K: Okay, Bart, that's enough!
850%-- Bart sings as punishment, ``Homer's Odyssey''
851%Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this...
851%A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly]
851%-- Nuclear Energy, our misunderstood friend, ``Homer's Odyssey''
852%Uh-oh. Looks like there's a little left-over nuclear waste.
852%[pulls out a hand broom] No problem!
852%I'll just put them where nobody will find them for a million years!
852%[sweeps the wasties under a throw rug and stomps them down]
852%-- Smilin' Joe Fission, ``Homer's Odyssey''
853%Sherry: Hey Bart! Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
853%Bart: What does incompetent mean?
853%Terry: It means he spends more time yacking and scarfing down donuts than
853% doing his job.
853%Bart: Oh, okay. I though you where putting me down.
853%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
854%Ya know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and
854%ones baked today!
854%-- Homer enjoys some donuts, ``Homer's Odyssey''
855%Supervisor: All right, who's responsible for this?
855% [everyone points at Homer]
855%Homer: [meekly raises his hand]
855%Supervisor: I might have known it was you, Simpson.
855%Homer: But sir, I...
855%Supervisor: I don't want to hear about it Simpson, your fired!
855% [looks up to catwalk]
855% Oh, hi, girls!
855%Sherry+Terry: [waving] Hi, Daddy!
855%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
856%Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory.
856%Homer: Those perfectionists, forget it.
856%Lisa: How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump.
856%Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor.
856%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
857%There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of
857%industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.
857%-- Marge, ``Homer's Odyssey''
858%I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.
858%-- Homer bemoans his lost job, ``Homer's Odyssey''
859%Bart: Is Mister Freely there?
859%Moe: Who?
859%Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
859%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here?
859% Hey everybody, I. P. Freely!
859% [the customers laugh]
859% Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a
859% hold of you, your dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half.
859%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
860%Marge: Are you all right, Homer?
860%Homer: I'm fine, I'm just thinking.
860%Marge: I've been thinking, too. You know Homer, you've always been such a
860% good provider... but when we got married, even Mr. Burger promised I
860% could come back to my old job any time I wanted.
860%Homer: You think you can still do that line of work?
860%Marge: Sure, you never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle.
860% [at a drive-in restaurant]
860%Otto: Hey Momma, where's my fries already!
860% [Marge skates in, somewhat annoyed]
860%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
861%Lisa: Dad! Eat something! [holds up a sandwich] It's got mustard on it.
861% [Homer's eye view of the ceiling]
861% [Bart leans in and waves his hand. Lisa also leans in.]
861%Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.
861%Lisa: I don't know what else to do.
861%Maggie: [pokes Homer in the eye. The picture fuzzes.]
861%Bart: There's only one thing we can do... take advantage of the old
861% guy. You've gotta sign my report card, Dad.
861% [Bart takes Homer's hand and scrawls his name]
861%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
862%TV Announcer: Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be
862% back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.
862%Duff Beer commercial: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat
862% around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer
862% that makes the days fly by!
862%Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
862%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
863%Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
863%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
864%[smashes open Bart's piggy bank with a hammer]
864%Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank,
864%and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer.
864%Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... [counts] not even close.
864%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
865%Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
865%Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not.
865% Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
865%-- Homer walks down the street with a rock tied to his waist,
865% ``Homer's Odyssey''
866%Homer: Boy! This intersection is dangerous. Someone oughta put a
866% stop sign here. [a beam of sunlight graces Homer's face]
866%Marge: Oh, Homer, how could think of killing yourself? We love you.
866%Lisa: Yeah, Dad, we love you.
866%Bart: Yeah!
866% [during Homer's speech, the sun rises slowly in the distance]
866%Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now
866% I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to
866% face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until
866% this street gets a stop sign!
866%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
867%Chief Wiggum: Well it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a
867% graffiti vandal know as El Barto. Police artists have a
867% composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information,
867% please contact us immediately.
867%Bart: [looking at the `Wanted' poster that shares only a slight resemblance]
867% Cool man!
867%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
868%Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls,
868% retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many,
868% many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman
868% ancestors, to the...
868%Esteemed Councilman: Simpson! Get to the point.
868%Homer: I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The
868% other...
868%Councilman: All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye.
868% Approved, Meeting adjourned.
868%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
869%If they think I'm going stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
869%-- Homer becomes safety-conscious, ``Homer's Odyssey''
870%Homer: But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a
870% danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together.
870%Lisa: What, Dad?
870%Homer: I'm talking about <that>! [points at the SNPP]
870%Marge: You mean your going to pick on your old bosses?
870%Lisa: Wow!
870%Bart: Gee, Dad's a hero.
870%Homer: Whadja say, son?
870%Bart: Nuthin'.
870%Homer: That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I though I heard you say.
870%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
871%He also brought you the speed bump [cheer!]
871%The dip sign [cheer!]
871%The fifteen mile per hour speed limit on Main Street [boo!]
871%I give you the man who's very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson!
871%-- Demonstration in front of SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
872%Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.
872%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
873%Burns: Look at that man, he has the crowd in the palm of his hand. I
873% haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. [to Smithers]
873% Who is he?
873%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant,
873% but we fired him for gross incompetence.
873%Burns: Ah, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here
873% right now.
873%Smithers: But Mr. Burns!
873%Burns: I said do it, now DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
873%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
874%Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I,
874%many of them incompetent boobs.
874%I know this because I worked alongside them,
874%gone bowling with them,
874%watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.
874%And I say... This stinks!
874%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
875%Smithers: Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately.
875%Homer: [still speaking through the megaphone] Privately?
875%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey''
876%Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet.
876%-- Monty Burns' famous words, ``Homer's Odyssey''
877%Burns: Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical
877% supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you
877% used to be. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant.
877%Homer: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more
877% accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward]
877% including a few doozies no one every found out about.
877%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
878%Homer: [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety?
878% This place could blow sky-high.
878% Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now.
878% Hey, this guy's desk sure is big.
878% I can't let Marge support the family!
878% This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen.
878% What should I...
878%Burns: Simpson! Time's up.
878%Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job.
878%-- A carefully-thought-out decision, ``Homer's Odyssey''
879%Burns: You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just
879% for your principles?
879%Homer: Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched,
879% but that's the lug your looking at... and I vow to continue
879% spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of
879% course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me
879% the job.
879%Burns: Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing
879% indicates.
879%-- ``Homer's Odyssey''
880%Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
880%-- Monty Burns, ``Homer's Odyssey''
881%Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog.
881%So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow
881%yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You
881%have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us,
881%and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The
881%only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you...
881%But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at
881%this very plant, and a big fat raise!
881%-- Homer's announcement, ``Homer's Odyssey''
882%You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.
882%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey''
883% Bart: Yeah, Oh yeah! yeah! oh Yeah!
883% Lisa: yeah! yeah, yeah, Yeah!
883% Homer: [running into the room, picking both kids up by the collar]
883% Hey! What's the problem here?
883% Lisa: We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
883% Homer: [touched] You where? [sniff] Aww -- well, go ahead.
883% [releases the kids]
883% Bart: You love him more.
883% Lisa: No, you do!
883% Bart: No I don't!
883% Lisa: Yes you DO!
883% Bart: NO I DON'T!
884% Homer: [growling] Look! You better get this out of your system right now,
884% I don't you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
884%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
885% Homer: Hhmmmm, marshmallows,,
885% [helps himself to one, then belches a la' Barney]
885% Marge: [standing in the passageway to the den, arms folded] Ho-mer!
885% Homer: I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate flatuations (?)
885% out of my system while I can, Marge. I don't want to embarrass
885% myself at the company picnic.
885%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
886% Homer: [looking to the kitchen counter] Are you sure that's enough? You
886% know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin dessert!
886% Marge: Oh Homer, Mr Burns just said he liked it,, [indicates with her
886% finger] Once.
886% Homer: Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the
886% word [dejectivley] Bonehead.
886%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
887% Homer: Okay, now look. My Boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want
887% you to show your father some love and/or respect.
887% Lisa: Tough choice.
887% Bart: I'm picking respect.
887%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
888% Burns: Oh please please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good
888% time. [to Smithers] Fire that man Smithers, I don't want him, or
888% his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
888% Smithers: He'll be gone by the Tug-o-war sir.
888% Burns: Excellent.
888%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
889% Homer: Ah, afternoon Mr Burns!
889% Burns: Hello there.. ah.. ah..
889% Homer: [whispering to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.
889% Smithers: [handing a record card to Burns] Here you go sir.
889% Burns: Ah! Oh yes,, [reading the card] Oh, and this must be your lovely
889% wife [pauses] Marge. [she smiles]
889% Ho ho, look at little.. ah [consults the card] Lisa! Why, she's
889% growing like a weed.
889% And this must be.. ah, Brat!
889% Brat: [unimpressed] Bart.
889% Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
889%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
890% Burns: [slapping forehead] Oh for the love of Peta,, that's all that
890% anyone brought. Some damned fool went around telling everyone that
890% I loved that slimy goop! [family taken aback] Well, toss it in the
890% pile over there [pointing to several rooms full of GD], and... make
890% yourself at home.
890% Bart: Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch
890% yourself.
890% Homer: [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me!
890% Burns: Trouble, Simpson?
890% Homer: [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating
890% the son on a fine joke about his old man. [nervously pats Bart's
890% head]
890%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
891% Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
891% Lisa: Hey Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
891% Homer: D'oh! [chasing after the two] Be Normal! Be Normal!
891%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
892% Marge: Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
892% Mother1: Your right. [turns on the TV]
892%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
893% Homer: Bart! Lisa! [swans stampede Homer] Willya,, D'oh,, Where are are
893% you kids! [Bart beans Homer with a rock] Ow!
893% Bart: Oops. [Homer grabs Bart] Whoa, careful Dad. Blow a gasket, and
893% you lose you job.
893% Announcement over Loudspeaker:
893% NOW HEAR THIS, THE FATHER-SON SACK RACE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES
893% ON THE NORTH LAWN. PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY, REPEAT MANDATORY.
893% THAT IS ALL.
893% Homer: You remember the rules from last year?
893% Bart: Yeah, shut my mouth and let your Boss win.
893%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
894% Red-haired Mother: I don't know who to love more,, My son Joshua who's
894% captain of the school team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead
894% in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker,
894% but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do?
894% Marge: [helping herself to ample amounts of the punch] Umm-hmm. Well I
894% sense greatness in my family.
894% Mother1: <Your> family?
894% Marge: Well, it's a greatness that others can't see,, but it's there, and
894% if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.
895% Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, [woozily] but I think there's a
895% little al-key-hol in this punch. [scoops another cupful]
895%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
896% Bart: Man, this is pathetic! I'm going for it!
896%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
897% Marge: Here we sit, enjoying the shade.
897% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
897% Marge: Drink the drink that I have made.
897% Wives: Hey Marge and pour the wine!
897% Marge: He's here with me, my one and only.
897% [Homer runs past chasing the kids. He sees Marge, ``Huh?'']
897% Drink my friends and don't be lonely.
897% [Homer slaps forehead, ``Oh!'']
897% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine!
897%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
898% Homer: Snap out of it Marge! You've gotta come with me, the Boss is going
898% to make a toast.
898% Marge: Whoa-oh, I'm not much of a drinker. [collapses]
898% Homer: You picked a perfect time to start, you... [Marge gazes at him]
898%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
899% Burns: Musicians, cease that infernal tootling!
899% [Smithers hands him a palm card]
899% Thank you all.
899% [handed another card]
899% ah,, For coming.
899%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
900% Burns: [politely, smiling] But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get
900% off my property, until next year. [dispensing with the niceties]
900% I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten
900% minutes!
900%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
901% Homer: Quick Bart, give me a kiss.
901% Bart: Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!
901% Homer: Bart, <please!> Five bucks for a kiss.
901%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
902% Burns: Look, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
902% Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous.
902%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
903% Homer: Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again.
903% Father: What do you mean?
903% Homer: Oh come on! ``[kiss kiss kiss],'' that corn-ball routine? ``I love
903% you Daddy,'' Gimme a break!
903% Father: I pity you.
903%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
904% Marge: Homey! Get in the Car!
904% Lisa: This is where you belong!
904% Bart: Yeah Homer, room for one more!
904% M+L+B: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us!
904%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
905% TV: Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependent
905% on their mother regurgitating the food.
905%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
906% Bart+Lisa: Hey!
906% Homer: Look everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do
906% better as a family. So tonight, we're not going to shovel food into
906% our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the
906% Dining-room table like a normal family.
906%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
907% Lisa: Happy Dad?
907% Homer: Yes.
907% Lisa: Good, commence shoveling.
907% Homer: No, [everyone stops mid-shovel] We're going to say Grace first.
907% Bart: Ok,, [hands clasped] Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
907% Homer: Grrrrr! No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can the chatter and bow
907% your heads. [clears throat]
907% Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we
907% don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions!
907% Pardon my French,, but they act like savages! [kids bewildered]
907% Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did... you're
907% everywhere, you're omnivorous.
907% Oh Lord! Why did you spite me with this family?
907% Marge+B+L: Amen! [Bart:``Lets eat!'' and they continue shoveling]
907%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
908% Marge: But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here listening to you
908% bad-mouth us to the man upstairs?
908% Homer: I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
908% town.
908% Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
908% Homer: D'oh,,
908% Bart: Don't have a cow, Dad.
908% Lisa: The sad truth is all families are like us.
908% Homer: [standing up] You think so huh? Well there's only one way to find
908% out,, follow me.
908%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
909% Homer: Look at that kids! No fighting, no yelling.
909% Bart: No belching.
909% Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on!
909% Marge: Look! Napkins!
909% Bart: These people are obviously freaks.
909% Homer: You think so? Well lets see what's behind door number 2.
909% Lisa: What are they doing?
909% Marge: They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each
909% other.
909% Homer: I wish I could hear what they're saying.
909% Kid: Papa! I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
909% Papa: I did too. Better get the gun.
909% Lisa: Were's he going?
909% Homer: Probably to get the old man his pipes and slippers.
909%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
910% Bart: Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump!
910% Homer: It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor
910% sap's flower bed.
910% Marge: Ho-mer, this is <our> house.
910% Marge: Are you coming in Homey?
910% Homer: No, no. [depressed] I want to be alone with my thought.
910%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
911% Homer: Another beer Moe.
911% Moe: Whatsdamatta Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year. You're sitting
911% there like a thirsty bump on a log.
911%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
912% Moe: Eddie! Would you like some pretzels?
912% Eddie: No thanks, we're on duty. A couple of beers would be nice though.
912% Moe: That'll be two bucks, boys,, just kidding [reaches underneath the
912% counter for two bottles]
912% Cop2: Ah, listen,, We're looking for a family of peeping toms who have
912% been terrorizing the neighborhood [police dog detects Homer, goes
912% nuts] [to dog] Quiet boy! Let the nice people enjoy their beers.
912% Ah, don't worry, this dog has the scent.
912% Eddie: Hey? What's gotten into Bobo?
912% Homer: Err, I've got some weiners (?sp) in my pocket.
912%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
913% Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
913% She said ``Homer, you're a big disappointment'', and god bless her
913% soul, she was really onto something.
913% Barney: Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got yourself a bad hand. You've
913% got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
913% Homer: [agro] You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them.
913% Barney: Why? You got two that I haven't met?
913% Homer: Why you! Here's five you haven't met! [punches Barney off his
913% stool]
913%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
914% TV: All-star Boxing was brought to you by ``Doctor Marvin Monroe's
914% Family Therapy Center''. [Dr M on tube waving.]
915% Wife: Honey, aren't you going to work today?
915% Husband: No-o-o,, I don't think so.
915% Wife: Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit
915% it.
915% Husband: I admit this -- you better shut your big yap!
915% Wife: Oh you shut up.
915% Hus: No, you shut up!
915% Wife: No <you> shut up!
915% Hus: Oh shut up!
915% Wife: Shut up!
915% Hus: Shut up! [little kid enters the bedroom]
915% Kid: Why don't you BOTH SHUT UP!
915% Dr M: Hi friends, I'm Dr Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar?
915% If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just
915% family bliss, or double your money back! So call today!
915% [dial 1-800-555-HUGS]
915% Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the
915% bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
915%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
916% Homer: All right, time for a family meeting.
916% Lisa: [snidely] Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
916% Homer: Now look,, You know and I know this family needs help, professional
916% help. So I've made an appointment with Dr Marvin Monroe.
916% Bart: The fat guy on TV?
916% Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Pro-Wrestling?
916% Homer: Boxing, Lisa, Boxing -- there's a world of difference.
916%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
917% Homer: Honey, I've given matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials
917% I saw, his was the best.
917%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
918% Homer: Oh come on Marge,, Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll
918% actually get in someplace.
918%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
919% Marge: 28.. 29.. 50. Twenty-eight dollars and fifty cents.
919% Homer: That's it! That the college fund that we've been saving for all
919% these years?!?
919% Lisa: I guess I have needed a partial scholarship.
919%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
920% Homer: To save this family we're gonna have to make the <supreme>
920% sacrifice. [Outside, Homer carries the family television into a
920% Pawn shop.]
920% Lisa: No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV!
920%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
921% Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead?
921% Homer: I appreciate that honey, but we need a hundred an fifty dollars
921% here!
921%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
922% Homer: [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this _lovely_ Motorola?
922% Clerk: Is it cable-ready?
922% Homer: As ready as she'll ever be.
922%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
923% Marge: [despairingly] Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer,
923% you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
923% Homer: Hey,, No pain, no gain!
924% Receptionist: Will you be paying by cash or cheque?
924% Homer: Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here
924% with me,, I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look,, check it
924% out, [Homer realizes he could be making a big mistake] Two hundred
924% and fifty big ones.
924% Bart: You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where
924% our TV used to be.
924%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
925% Lisa: [forlornly] There go my young girl dreams of Vasser.
925%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
926% Monroe: Hello, I'm doctor Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV.
926% Lisa: We would if we had one.
926%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
927% Monroe: Homer, what have you got for us? Homer,, Homer!
927% Homer: Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
927% Monroe: Well if you had been paying attention, perhaps you've noticed that
927% your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure -- an ogre,
927% if you will.
927% Marge: Now doctor, that's not true.
927% Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word.
927% Bart: Right on Doc! Another successful diagnosis!
927%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
928% Monroe: Whoa! Okay, so you want to kill each other,, that's good, that's
928% healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.
928% All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
928% [unlocks a gun-rack with the therapy mallets inside.]
928%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
929% Homer: Wait a minute, these mallet things are padded with foam rubber,,
929% What's the point?
929% Bart: They work much better without the padding Doc.
929% Monroe: [hastily] No no no, that's not true!
929%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
930% Monroe: That concludes this portion of our treatment.
930% Marge: Are we cured yet?
930% Monroe: No! Don't be ridiculous. You will be cured, but it's going to
930% require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
931% Monroe: Don't worry! I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up
931% the... Electric Generator.
931%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
932% Monroe: Everyone comfy? Hmmph, good. Now don't touch any of those buttons
932% in front of you for a very important reason. Ie: You are wired in
932% to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and
932% they have the ability to shock... [Homer gets buzzed]
932% Bart: Just testing.
932%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
933% Monroe: No Homer, not yet! [Homer: ``Awwww'', disappointed] You see, this
====================== End of Part 5 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 6 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part6"
====================== Begin of Part 6 of 10 =========================
933% is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you
933% emotionally, you will hurt them physically,, and gradually you will
933% learn not to hurt each other -- at all! And won't that be wonderful
933% Homer?
933% Homer: Oh yes doctor! [zaps Bart]
933% Bart: Ow! [presses button]
933% Lisa: Aggghh!
933% Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister?
933% Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Arrrggh!
933% Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Ow! [she retaliates]
933% Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again]
933% Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both]
933%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
934% Smithers: Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
934% Burns: Excellent! Excellent, [walking over to a power meter] Perhaps
934% this energy conservation fad is as dead as the Dodo.
934%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
935% Receptionist: Doctor Monroe! Your other patients have fled the building!
935% Monroe: [near-continuous buzzing heard] Stop! Your damaging the equipment!
935% [pulls the power supply to the Generator]
935%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
936% Bart: Hey, nice hair Mom.
936% Marge: Gee, I thought we where making real progress.
936% Monroe: No! I'm Sorry! You're not! Please, you've just got to go.
936% Homer: Wait a minute Doc! Your TV commercial said, `Family bliss, our
936% double our money back.'
936% Monroe: But that was just a... Alright [to receptionist, hand cover face,
936% hushed/secretly] Get the money.
936%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
937% Homer: Wow, five hundred smackers!
937% Marge: Homer, how wonderful! Our first pleasant surprise.
937% Lisa: It's no the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.
937% Bart: You did it Dad!
937% Marge: Excuse me dear, shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get
937% our TV back?
937% Homer: That piece of junk? Forget it! We're gonna get a new TV.
937% Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so
937% we can wheel it into the Dining room on holidays.
937% B+L: Yay!
937% Marge: Oh Homer, we love you! [kisses him]
937%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home''
938%Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
938%Lisa: No there aren't.
938%Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt-kisser!
938%Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
938%-- ``Bart the General''
939%Bart: You sniveling toad! You little egg-sucker!
939%Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more!
939%Bart; Back-scratcher! Boot-licker! Honor student!
939%Lisa: [smirking] You'll never get one now, name-caller.
939%Bart: All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I, I got upset.
939% In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean.
939%Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you.
939%Bart: No.
939%Lisa: I'm <not> a sniveling toad, am I?
939%Bart: Not really.
939%Lisa: I'm <not> a little egg-sucker, am I?
939%Bart: Of course not.
939%Lisa: Then what am I?
939%Bart: A beautiful human being.
939%Lisa: [coyly] What do you like best about me?
939%Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say...
939% Your generous nature, your spirit of giving.
939%Lisa: Well... [thinks] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will
939% get a big surprise.
939%Bart: [does so]
939%Lisa: [gets up. The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box.
939% Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves]
939%Bart: [munching] Thanks, Lis. You're the best!
939%-- ``Bart the General''
940%It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake.
940%-- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General''
941%Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man.
941%Bart: But...
941%Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son.
941% Now hurry up, it's time for class.
941%Bart: But...
941%Princ. Skinner: [shooing] Scoot, young Simpson! There's learning to be done!
941%-- ``Bart the General''
942%Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this.
942%I'm not saying that I'm not a hero.
942%I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety.
942%-- Bart, ``Bart the General''
943%Otto: [at Bart's wake] Good-bye, little dude.
943% [to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man!
943%Pr.S: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face
943% after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All
943% that homework <was> a waste of your time.
943%-- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General''
944%Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this!
944%-- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General''
945%Nelson: Put 'em up! [circles his fists]
945%Bart: [raises his hands in surrender]
945%-- ``Bart the General''
946%Bart: Well, I had a run-in with a... bully.
946%Marge: [bursts in] A bully!?
946%Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa!
946%Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this.
946%Bart: I... guess I could do that.
946%Homer: What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!?
946% I'd rather Bart die!
946%Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!?
946%Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be
946% a man. Let's see. [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle.
946% Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything,
946% unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.
946% What else...
946%-- Rule number four: Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General''
947%Marge: This bully friend of yours. Is he a little on the chunky side?
947%Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
947%Marge: Mmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
947%Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
947%-- ``Bart the General''
948%Homer: You didn't expect that, did you. And neither will he.
948%Bart: You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad?
948%Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules
948% a little in order to hold our own.
948%Bart: Amen!
948%Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch,
948% you throw a glob of mud in his eye!
948% And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers
948% around blinded!
948%Bart: [getting into it] Yeah!
948%Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
948%Bart: Gotcha.
948%Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels.
948% That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations.
948% [punches the punching bag down low]
948%Bart: [cringes] Thanks, Pop.
948%-- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General''
949%Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
949%Bart: What can <he> do?
949%Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
949%Bart: He is?
949%Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
949%-- ``Bart the General''
950%Dear Advertisers,
950% I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television.
950%We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter,
950%resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment
950%was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never
950%want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny.
950%Number three: Family Jewels.
950%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
951%Herman: [whispers] What's the password?
951%Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
951%Herman: Right you are. [opens the door]
951%-- ``Bart the General''
952%Bart: Uh, Mr. Herman?
952%Herman: Yes?
952%Bart: Did, did you lose your arm in the war?
952%Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells
952% you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
952%Bart: [nervously] Yes, sir. I will.
952%-- ``Bart the General''
953%Herman: How many men do you have?
953%Bart: None.
953%Herman: You'll need more.
953%-- ``Bart the General''
954%The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street.
954%The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now <you> know it.
954%-- Herman, ``Bart the General''
955%First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be
955%nice and legal.
955%-- Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully,
955% ``Bart the General''
956%Bart: Pssst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
956%Grampa: Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts.
956% And this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't fail!!
956%-- ``Bart the General''
957%Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
957%Milhouse: No, why?
957%Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of
957% us for years, and I for one am sick of it!
957% I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times.
957% But the one thing I do know...
957% [all the kids file out]
957% Whoa! Whoa!
957% I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
957% [kids cheer]
957%-- Give 'em what they want, ``Bart the General''
958%Bart: I got a B in arithmetic.
958%Army: I got a B in arithmetic.
958%Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick.
958%Army: Would have got an A but I was sick.
958%-- ``Bart the General''
959%Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
959%Army: We are rubber, you are glue.
959%Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
959%Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
959%Bart: Sound off.
959%Army: One! Two!
959%Bart: Sound off!
959%Army: Three!! Four!!
959%-- ``Bart the General''
960%Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier!
960%Boy: It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more.
960%Bart: Your nerves! [slaps the kid] I won't have cowards in my army.
960%Grampa: [whaps Bart] Sorry, Bart.
960% You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff,
960% you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for
960% some reason you can't slap them.
960%-- ``Bart the General''
961%Bart: In English class I did the best.
961%Army: In English class I did the best.
961%Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
961%Army: Because I cheated on the test.
961%Bart: Sound off.
961%Army: One! Two!
961%Bart: I can't hear you!
961%Army: Three!! Four!!
961%-- ``Bart the General''
962%Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
962%Army: We are happy, we are merry.
962%Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
962%Army: We got a rhyming dictionary.
962%Bart: Sound off.
962%Army: One! Two!
962%Bart: One more time!
962%Army: Three! Four!
962%Bart: Bring it on home now!
962%Army: One! Two! Three! Four!
962% One! Two! .... Three-Four!
962%-- ``Bart the General''
963%Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing.
963% You got the water balloons?
963%Bart: [salutes] Two hundred rounds, sir. [holds a balloon]
963% Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side?
963%Herman: Urgh. I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck.
963%-- Saturation bombing with a smile, ``Bart the General''
964%It's a classic Pincer's Movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!
964%-- Herman lends Bart military advice, ``Bart the General''
965%I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never
965%hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes. Thank
965%heaven for children!
965%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General''
966%Homer: All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself cl--[oomph]
966% [Homer is hit by a water balloon]
966%Grampa: [giggles] Heh heh, got him!
966%Homer: You! Up in the tree! The tall grey-haired kid! You come down
966% here right now!
966%Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon]
966%-- ``Bart the General''
967%Goon #1: Don't hurt us!
967%Goon #2: We surrender!
967%Goon #1: We were only following orders!
967%-- A likely story, ``Bart the General''
968%Article Four: Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger.
968%Article Five: Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist.
968%Article Six: Although Nelson shall have no official power,
968% he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.
968%-- Terms of surrender, ``Bart the General''
969%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
969%Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun.
969%There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the
969%following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II,
969%and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war,
969%there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool,
969%gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
969%-- Bart's disclaimer, ``Bart the General''
970%Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm
970% late for work! [lift Maggie and looks underneath]
970%Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to
970% your neck.
970%Bart: Did you check the den?
970%Homer: The den! Great idea! [heads into the den. Bart follows]
970% [Homer pulls the couch apart]
970%Bart: Warm.
970% No, cold.
970% Colder.
970% Ice cold.
970%Homer: You know where my keys are?
970%Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
970%Homer: Grrrrrrrrrr!
970%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
971%Marge: I'm sorry everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three
971% of you.
971%Bart: Well Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes
971% over the past three decades to keep his...
971%Homer: Bart!
971%Lisa: Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure.
971% [Homer and Bart watch Lisa trudge out of the room]
971%Homer+Bart: Yeah! [exchange high-fives]
971%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
972%Largo: [tapping on music stand] Lisa. [taps louder] LISA SIMPSON!
972% [finally attracting her attention] Lisa, there's no room for
972% crazy bebop in ``My Country 'Tis of Thee''.
972%Lisa: But Mr. Largo! That's what my country's all about.
972%Largo: What?!?
972%Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of a car. The
972% idle farmer whose land has been taken away by uncaring
972% bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner caught...
972%Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant
972% people are going to be at the recital next week. Now class, from
972% the top. Five, six, seven...
972%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
973%Lisa: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to
973% feeding time. So we sit around like cattle, chewing our cud,
973% dreading the inevitable...
973%Bart: A-ha! Food fight!
973%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
974%Lisa: OW! Ooh, ow! Ooh!
974%PE Teacher: [blows whistle] Lisa! We are playing dodge-ball here.
974% The object of the game is to avoid the ball, by weaving or ducking
974% out of its path.
974%Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball.
974%PET: Listen missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way
974% of those balls.
974%Lisa: [despairingly] I'm too sad.
974%PET: Too sad to play dodgeball? That's ridiculous. [to the rest of the
974% class] Now let's see some enthusiasm. Play Ball!
974%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
975%Homer: Come on, come on, let's go.
975%Bart: [as announcer]
975% In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the
975% undisputed champ of the town, Battling Bart Simpson!
975% [whistles] whoopee, wo wo wo!
975% And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48
975% defeats... oh, correction, <humiliating> defeats, all of them by
975% knock-out.
975%Homer: Must you do this every time...
975%Bart: Homer ``the human punching bag'' Simpson!
975%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
976%Marge: They sent a note from school.
976%Homer: [to Bart] What did you do this time you little hoodlum?
976%Bart: I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove
976% anything!
976%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
977%Homer: [reading the note] Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is
977% sad. [end of note] She doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears
977% in her eyes.
977%Lisa: It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry Dad, but you wouldn't
977% understand.
977%Homer: Oh sure I would, Princess. I have feeling too, you know, like
977% ``My stomach hurts', or ``I'm going crazy!''
977%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
978%Lisa: Sorry Dad, I know you mean well. [kisses him]
978%Homer: Thanks for knowing I mean well.
978%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
979%Bart: Gee Homer, it looks like you've got yourself a real problem on
979% your hands.
979%Homer: Your right... Uhh... Bart! Vacuum this floor!
979%Bart: Hey Man! I didn't do anything wrong!
979%Homer: In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know. Now hop
979% to it boy!
979%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
980%Bart: [sarcastically] Enjoy your bath?
980%Lisa: No, not really.
980%Bart: Oh, too bad. Well I've certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now
980% I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub.
980%Lisa: [to Maggie] So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself.
980%Bart: Hey! Don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my
980% side anyway.
980%Lisa: Is not!
980%Bart: Is too!
980%Lisa: Is not.
980%Bart: Is too!
980%Lisa: Is not.
980%Bart: Is too! Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love
980% best.
980%Maggie: [hops off the couch, looks at Bart]
980%Lisa: No Maggie! Come here girl, come to me.
980%Bart: [shaking a rattler] Come on Maggie, the choice is obvious.
980%Lisa: [beckoning her] No Maggie, don't go for the glitter, look for
980% substance.
980%Maggie: [looks at them both, uncertain]
980%Lisa: [giving up] All right Maggie, just go to Bart.
980%Bart: Egg-zactly, come to the one you love best.
980%Maggie: [looks at them both, then walks away and embraces the TV set]
980% -- ``Moaning Lisa''
981%Homer: Lisa! What did I tell you about playing that saxamuhthing in the
981% house?
981%Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs]
981%Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your
981% blues if it'll make you happy.
981%Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering, unless my
981% fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
981%Homer: Let's hear it. [Lisa clacks away] You just clack as loud as you
981% want, Lis.
981%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
982%Lisa: That was beautiful. What's it called?
982%Murphy: Oh, it's a little tune that I call ``The `I Never Had an Italian
982% Suit' Blues''.
982%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
983%Homer: [in a dream] What the?!?! [Homer is a video boxing character]
983%Bart: [his opponent] Put up your dukes, Homer.
983%Homer: Agggh! Bart! Go easy on me! I'm your Dad!
983%Bart: I <am> going easy on ya. [pow] Your so old, [pow] and slow,
983% [pow] and weak, [pow] and pathetic. [Bart winds up for the kill]
983%Homer: No! Son! No! [the fist impacts]
983% [wakes up screaming]
983% Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
983%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
984%You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the
984%saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at
984%most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
984%-- Homer, ``Moaning Lisa''
985%Marge: I don't know... Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs
985% attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young
985% woman.
985%Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
985%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
986%Lisa: [improvises]
986%Murphy: Now now now, low B flat.
986%Lisa: [jams down low]
986%Murphy: Okay, Lisa. Altissimo register.
986%Lisa: [another wild riff]
986%Murphy: [applauding] Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself
986% doing that.
986%-- All you ever wanted to know about sax, ``Moaning Lisa''
987%Murphy: My friends call me `Bleeding Gums'.
987%Lisa: Ewwww, how'd you get a name like that?
987%Murphy: Well let me put it this way... You ever been to the dentist?
987%Lisa: Yeah.
987%Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I've got enough pain
987% in my life as it is.
987%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
988%Murphy: Oh, I'm so lonely,
988% Since my baby left me.
988% I got no money,
988% And nothing is free.
988% Oh, I've been so alone
988% Since the day I was born.
988% All I got is this rusty,
988% This rusty old horn.
988%Lisa: I got a bratty brother.
988% He bugs me everyday.
988% And this morning my own mother,
988% Gave my last cupcake away.
988% My Dad acts like he belongs,
988% He belongs in the zoo.
988% I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid,
988% In gra-a-a-de number two.
988%-- ``Moaning Lisa'
989%The Blues isn't about feeling better, it's about making other
989%people feel <worse>, and making a few bucks while your at it.
989%-- Bleeding Gums Murphy, ``Moaning Lisa''
990%Marge: Lisa! Get away from that jazz man!
990%Lisa: But Mom! Can I stay a little longer? Can I Mom, can I?
990%Marge: Come on, come on. We were worried about you.
990% [to Bleeding Gums Murphy]
990% Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar.
990%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
991%Kent: ... through downtown Springfield today gutting Symphony Hall, the
991% Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts
991% Center, and Barney's Bowl-o-rama.
991%Homer: Waugh! [chokes] Oh no! [walks into kitchen] Marge! Marge, you
991% all right?
991%Marge: No, I'm very upset.
991%Homer: Oh then you've heard. Oh God! What are we going to do? The
991% lanes were kinda warped, but all the food...
991%Marge: I'm upset about Lisa.
991%Homer: [realizing] Oh, me too.
991%Bart: Me three, whatawe talking about?
991%Homer: Bart!
991%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
992%Marge: Do you think you could be nice enough to your sister, Bart?
992%Bart: Oh yeah, easy.
992%Marge: You do love her don't you?
992%Bart: [whining] Oh Mom...
992%Marge: Well you do, don't you?
992%Bart: [uncomfortably] Don't make me say it. You know the answer, I
992% know the answer, he knows the answer, let's just drop it, ok?
992%Marge: Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it, but you do have to have a
992% loving attitude. Be nice to your sister.
992%Bart: [reluctantly] Okey dokey.
992%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
993%Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
993%Bart: Is Jock there?
993%Moe: Who?
993%Bart: Jock, last name Strap.
993%Moe: Uh, hold on. [to everyone in the bar] Uh, Jock... Strap...
993% Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap. [laughs from all]
993% Oh... wait a minute... Jock Strap...
993% It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you,
993% I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood.
993%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
994%Homer: Give me some quarters... I'm doing my laundry.
994%Clerk: Yeah, right. [gives him the quarters]
994%Homer: [looks around] Where's the video boxing?
994%Clerk: Over there in the corner. If I were you I really would use
994% those quarters for laundry.
994%Homer: [sotto voce] Wise guy.
994%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
995%Howie: Ok, who's next? [every one raises their hands, `memememememe']
995%Homer: [rising from above the crowd] No, me! No, meeee! Now listen...
995% can you teach me how to fight like you do?
995%Howie: No.
995%Homer: Aw, come on...
995%Howie: I'll tell you what. I'll do it if you'll bark like a dog.
995%Homer: Whyyoulittle... Woof woof woof!
995%Howie: Hah! You've got yourself a deal, Fido.
995%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
996%Lisa: Ahem. [Marge waits for her to say something, but Lisa turns
996% away]
996%Marge: Now Lisa, listen to me, this is important. I want you to smile
996% today.
996%Lisa: But I don't feel like smiling.
996%Marge: Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what
996% shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother
996% taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all
996% the way down, past your knees until your almost walking on them.
996% And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and
996% boys will like you, and happiness will follow.
996%Lisa: [feeble attempt at a smile]
996%Marge: No, come on. You can do better than that.
996%Lisa: [a much brighter smile]
996%Marge: Aww, that's my girl. [rubs Lisa's hair]
996%Lisa: [through her teeth] I feel more popular already.
996%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
997%Boy1: Hey, nice smile.
997%Lisa: Thanks.
997%Boy2: Hey, what are you talking to her for? She's just going to say
997% something weird.
997%Lisa: Not me!
997%Boy1: You know, I used to think you were some sort of a Brainiac, but, I
997% guess you're okay, and...
997%Lisa: Uh-huh.
997%Boy2: Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice. You can
997% do my homework.
997%Lisa: [forced] Okay.
998%Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's
998%outburst of `Unbridled Creativity'.
998%-- Mr. Largo, ``Moaning Lisa''
999%Bart: I'll gonna knock you out one more time and that's it, this is
999% getting boring man!
999%Homer: [smirking] Try not to kill me too hard, son. Heh heh heh.
999%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1000%Marge: I'd like your attention, please.
1000%Homer: Quiet Marge! This is my big moment! Bart the Bloody Pulp
1000% Simpson is on the ropes. He's hoping I'll put him out of his
1000% misery. Wow, you're in luck Bart! Here comes my right!
1000% [Marge pulls the plug] Oh, no!!!!
1000% My game! My game! I could've beat the boy! Marge, how could
1000% you! I was so close!
1000%Marge: I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly loud game.
1000%Bart: You're right Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce
1000% my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing.
1000% [Homer collapses into a whimper]
1000%-- ``Moaning Lisa''
1001%Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've
1001% heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our belov\'ed
1001% town founder.
1001%Barney: How long will this story take?
1001%Bart: Uh... About twenty-three minutes and five seconds.
1001%-- Does that include commercials? ``The Telltale Head''
1002%Marge: Bart, assume the position.
1002%Bart: [turns and leans against the wall, legs spread]
1002%Marge: [frisks Bart]
1002%-- Leaving for church, ``The Telltale Head''
1003%Announcer: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose
1003% from the dead!
1003%Homer: Laza-who?
1003%-- Driving to church, ``The Telltale Head''
1004%Marge: [confiscates Bart's personal stereo]
1004% Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday School?
1004%Bart: Maybe.
1004%Marge: Can you believe this, Homer? ... Homer? Homer?
1004%Homer: [in the car, bashes his head on the steering wheel in frustration]
1004%Marge: [goes to the car] Homer, were you planning on sitting in the
1004% car until the [football] game is over?
1004%Homer: Maybe.
1004%-- Great minds think alike, ``The Telltale Head''
1005%Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
1005%Sunday School Teacher: Certainly not!
1005%Bart: Uh, ma'am? What if you're a really good person, but
1005% you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets
1005% gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for
1005% you in heaven?
1005%SST: For the last time, Bart, yes!
1005%-- Playing by the rules, ``The Telltale Head''
1006%Sunday School Teacher: [very tired] The ventriloquist goes to heaven,
1006% but the dummy doesn't.
1006%Bart: [raises his hand] Ooh-ooh-ooh! Me!
1006%SST: Bart?
1006%Bart: What about a robot with a human brain?
1006%SST: [at the breaking point] I don't know! All these questions!
1006% Is a little blind faith too much to ask!?!
1006%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1007%Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
1007%Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
1007%Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
1007%Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible.
1007% Who told you that?
1007%Bart: Our teacher.
1007%Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but
1007% what about those really smart ones who live among us?
1007% Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
1007%-- And work in nuclear power plants, ``The Telltale Head''
1008%Bart: Cool, man, Space Mutants 4. Let me off! Let me off!
1008%Marge: No way, Jose.
1008%Homer: Marge, they're only space mutants.
1008%Marge: Uh uh. I know what those movies are like.
1008% Killing innocent people, eating human flesh.
1008% You'll just get a lot of bad ideas.
1008%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1009%Bart: You guys are sneaking in?
1009%Kerny: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies.
1009%Jimbo: Hey, Bart, come on!
1009%Bart: But sneaking into movies is practically stealing, man.
1009%Kerny: Practically?
1009%Jimbo: It <is> stealing.
1009%Bart: Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we aren't deluding ourselves.
1009%-- An irrefutable argument, ``The Telltale Head''
1010%Homer: [reading The Bowl Earth Catalog]
1010% Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie!
1010% Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his
1010% hard-won fifty bucks?
1010% [turns the page]
1010% Gasp! Now I've seen everything.
1010% Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler.
1010% The pins don't know what hit 'em.
1010%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1011%Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
1011%Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing
1011% in the world!
1011%Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad,
1011% so other kids will like you better?
1011%Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
1011%Bart: No.
1011%Homer: Are you!
1011%Bart: No!
1011%Homer: Then run along, you little scamp! [musses Bart's hair]
1011% A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
1011%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1012%A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
1012%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
1013%Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor!
1013% It will sends your pins to... Valhalla? Lisa?
1013%Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
1013%Homer: Ooh, that's some ball!
1013%-- Reading The Bowl Earth Catalog, ``The Telltale Head''
1014%We have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads.
1014%If anyone has any information, please dial `O' and ask for the police.
1014%That number again: `O'.
1014%-- Chief Wiggum's press conference, ``The Telltale Head''
1015%Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue?
1015%Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza [sic] just a statue?
1015%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head''
1016%There is someone out there in Krusty-Land who has committed an atrocity!
1016%If you know who cut off Jebediah's head, I don't care if it's your brother,
1016%your sister, your daddy, or your mommy, turn him in!
1016%[brightly] Krusty will send you a free slide whistle,
1016%just like Sideshow Bob's!
1016%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1017%[Caption: SPRINGFIELD: A CITY HELD HOSTAGE. DAY ONE (dramatization)]
1017%Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield, he was.
1017%[A cheesy documentary. Jebediah chops wood.]
1017%In 1838, along the way, he met a ferocious bear.
1017%[What is obviously a man in a bear costume appears.
1017% Jebediah discards his axe and wrestles the bear.
1017% The caption `dramatization' reappears.]
1017%And killed him with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E hands.
1017%[Jebediah wins.]
1017%We've recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably
1017%killed <him>.
1017%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1018%Burns: [overcome with emotion] I love you, Smithers.
1018%Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
1018%-- ``The Telltale Head''
1019%Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles
1019% uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol.
1019%Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!
1019%-- Watching the school Christmas pageant, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1020%Maggie is walking by herself. Lisa got straight A's. And Bart...
1020%Well, we love Bart.
1020%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
1020% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1021%Marge: [writing] The magic of the season has touched us all.
1021%Homer: Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
1021%Marge: [writing] Homer sends his love.
1021%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter,
1021% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1022%Marge: A tattoo?
1022%Homer: A what?
1022%Bart: Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your lives.
1022%Marge: You will <not> be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
1022%Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your
1022% own allowance!
1022%-- Reading Bart's Christmas list, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1023%Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get,
1023%and it makes you look so dangerous.
1023%-- Marge in Bart's dream of getting a tattoo,
1023% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1024%Bart: One `mother' please.
1024%Clerk: Wait a minute. How old are you?
1024%Bart: 21, sir.
1024%Clerk: Get in the chair.
1024%-- Bart gets a tattoo, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1025%Smithers: Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the
1025% following announcement. And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
1025%Burns: Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase
1025% safety here at the plant without cost to the consumer or
1025% affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled
1025% workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more
1025% thing: Merry Christmas!
1025%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1026%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1026%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1026%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1026%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1026%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1026%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1026%Maggie: [touches Bart's injured arm]
1026%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1026%Homer: Hey, what's with this? [touches Bart's injured arm]
1026%Bart: Ow! Quit it.
1026%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1027%Marge: [in bed, reading the shopping list]
1027% I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer.
1027%Homer: Huh? Oh, I love you Marge.
1027%Marge: Mm, Homer, you tell me that all the time.
1027%Homer: Oh good, because I <do> love you.
1027% I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit
1027% card that won't set off that horrible beeping.
1027%Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus.
1027% I keep asking for it, but...
1027%Homer: Marge... Oh... Let me be honest with you...
1027%Marge: Yes?
1027%Homer: Well... I...
1027%Marge: [rubs his hand]
1027%Homer: I want to do the Christmas shopping this year!
1027%Marge: [hands over the list she was holding] Well, sure. Okay.
1027% [flicks bed-side light off. Homer's forced grin glows in the dark]
1027%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1028%Homer: [bumps into Ned. Their respective armfuls of gifts fall into the snow]
1028%Ned: Oh ho ho, Simpson, it's you.
1028%Homer: Hello, Flanders.
1028%Ned: Oh my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours
1028% and which ones are mine?
1028%Homer: Well, let's see.
1028%Ned: [picking up gifts] Well, this one's mine, and this one's mine, heh heh,
1028% this one's mine, and...
1028%Homer: They're <all> yours!
1028%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1029%Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
1029%Homer: Wow. Can <I> do that?
1029%Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]
1029%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1030%Manager: Do you like children?
1030%Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts??
1030%-- Homer applies for a job as a department store Santa,
1030% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1031%Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin', man?
1031%Homer: [as Santa] What's your name, Bart...ner? Uh, little partner?
1031%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
1031%-- Homer works as a department store Santa,
1031% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1032%You must really love us to sink so low.
1032%-- Bart admires Homer's working as a department store Santa,
1032% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1033%Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute.
1033%Clerk: That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security...
1033%Homer: Yeah.
1033%Clerk: ... less unemployment insurance ...
1033%Homer: But...
1033%Clerk: ... less Santa training...
1033%Homer: Santa training?
1033%Clerk: ... less costume purchase...
1033%Homer: Wait a minute...
1033%Clerk: ... less beard rental...
1033%Homer: But...
1033%Clerk: ... less Christmas Club.
1033%Homer: But...
1033%Clerk: See you next year. [closes the window]
1033%-- Paydirt, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1034%Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons'
1034% Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always
1034% happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened
1034% to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen
1034% to us!
1034%Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
1034%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1035%Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
1035%Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
1035%Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the
1035% same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have.
1035% Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will
1035% govern the prospects of my adult relationships.
1035% So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me,
1035% and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
1035%Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
1035%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1036%Don't worry, Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
1036%-- Bart's been watching too much TV, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1037%It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me.
1037%-- Bart, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1038%Bart: Oh, Dad, can we keep him?
1038%Homer: But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's...
1038%SLH: [licks Homer's face]
1038%Homer: ... a Simpson.
1038%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire''
1039%Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?
1039%Kids: Krusty!
1039%Krusty: How much do you love me?
1039% [Bart and Lisa watch the show at home]
1039%Bart+Lisa+Kids: With all our heart!
1039%Krusty: What would do if I went off the air?
1039%Bart+Lisa+Kids: We'd kill ourselves!
1039%-- Making life worth living, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1040%Krusty: Don't blame me...
1040%Krusty+Kids: <I> didn't do it!
1040%-- Words to live by, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1041%Comedy, thy name is Krusty.
1041%-- Bart, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1042%Bart+Lisa: [laugh at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
1042%Marge: My, all this senseless violence. I don't understand the appeal.
1042%Bart: We don't expected you to, Mom.
1042%Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
1042%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1043%If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
1043%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted'
1044%Oooooh, eight carousels! We're in for a real treat!
1044%-- Marge welcomes her sisters, laden with slides of their latest trip,
1044% ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1045%Hello, steady customer! How are you this evening, sir?
1045%-- Apu welcomes Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1046%Mmm... Chocolate...
1046%Ooooh, double chocolate...
1046%Gasp! New flavor! Triple chocolate!
1046%-- Homer buys ice cream, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1047%What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you so unhappy when you are
1047%purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
1047%-- Apu to Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1048%Krusty: [holding a gun] Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
1048%Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery.
1048% I do work in a convenience store, you know.
1048%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1049%You can emerge now from my chips.
1049%The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
1049%-- Apu to a (cowardly) Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1050%Patty: This is a Mexican delicacy called a `taco platter'.
1050%Selma: Mmm, delicious.
1050%-- Narrating a slide show of their trip to the Yucatan, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1051%Krusty: Hey, what's going on, here?
1051%Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery.
1051% You have the right to remain silent.
1051% Anything you say, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.
1051%-- You know the rest, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1052%Send in the clowns!
1052%-- Chief Wiggum prepares for a police line-up, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1053%And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return.
1053%[click, next slide]
1053%And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed.
1053%Thus concludes our Mexican Odyssey.
1053%-- Patty shows vacation slides, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1054%Why did the clown cross the road?
1054%To rob a Kwik-E-Mart.
1054%A new story behind that enigmatic half-joke after this commercial message.
1054%-- Scott Christian anchors the newscast, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1055%Homer: Bart, you know that guy on your lunchbox?
1055%Bart: Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown?
1055%Homer: He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he?
1055%Bart: Are you kidding? He's my idol!
1055% I've based my life on Krusty's teaching.
1055%-- Krusticism? ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1056%Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended
1056%the TV clown, who appears on a rival station, opposite our
1056%own Emmy award winning Hobo Hate.
1056%-- Scott Christian's news flash, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1057%Earth-to-Marge. Earth-to-Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y.
1057%-- Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1058%Good evening again, Springfield. Krusty the Klown, the beloved idol of
1058%countless tots, now nothing more than a common (alleged) criminal.
1058%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1059%His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media
1059%circus, as children of all ages, from 8 to 80, hang onto each new
1059%development like so many Rumanian trapeze artists.
1059%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1060%Krusty: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids?
1060% Well, we've got another one coming right up.
1060% But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products!
1060% [Sideshow Bob wheels in a barebecue grill]
1060% Mmmm.... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon.
1060% And glistening, sizzling.... Aaaagh! D'oh!
1060% [Krusty clutches his chest and contorts his face]
1060%Kids: Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
1060%Krusty: [collapses, his hand slowly descending out of frame]
1060% Heart...attack... Gagh! I'm... dying... I'm dying...
1060%Kent: [watching on a monitor] Heh heh heh.
1060%-- Krusty's near-fatal heart attack in 1986, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1061%Bart: Look at him. His clothes are so drab.
1061%Lisa: His face is so flesh-colored and sad.
1061%Bart: And his feet. They're so small.
1061% [grabs Krusty] Say it ain't so, Krusty!
1061%Atty: Uh, my client has no comment at this time.
1061%Krusty; [meekly] I didn't do it!
1061% [all laugh as Krusty is dragged away on his heels]
1061%-- Once a clown, always a clown. ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1062%Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
1062%Krusty: [brightly] I plead guilty, your honor.
1062% [huge gasp from the crowd, Krusty looks around surprised]
1062%Atty: [whispers into Krusty's ear]
1062%Krusty: Oh, heh heh heh, not guilty, heh heh heh.
1062% Opening-night jitters, your honor.
1062%-- Just picture them in their underwear, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1063%Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of
1063%heavily-salted snack treats?
1063%-- Prosecutor at Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1064%These toys are just adorable. Who would have guessed they were inspired
1064%by an insane criminal genius.
1064%-- Marge throws out Krusty-related toys, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1065%Bart: Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality!
1065%Homer: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon!
1065% Now come on, son, get with the winning team!
1065%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1066%Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few
1066%words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but
1066%because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please
1066%stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes.
1066%-- Reverend Lovejoy coordinates a Krusty-burning, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1067%Prosecutor: Betting slips, indicating that you've lost substantial sums
1067% of money on sports gambling.
1067%Krusty: [dramatically] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
1067%Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
1067%Krusty: [meekly] Oh.
1067%-- Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1068%Foreperson: We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown... Guilty.
1068%Crowd: [gasp!]
1068%Defense Attorney: Ugh! [bangs the table] I knew it!
1068% This happens to me every time!
1068%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1069%Bart: I bet I can prove Krusty's innocent, but... [meekly] I need your help.
1069%Lisa: [genuinely not knowing] You do? Why?
1069%Bart: Oh, come on, Lis, you know why.
1069%Lisa: No! Why?
1069%Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but...
1069% [deep breath] You're smarter than me.
1069%Lisa: [adorable smile]
1069%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1070%[hiding behind the counter]
1070%Okay, don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth.
1070%-- Apu, once bitten twice shy, ``Krusty the Clown''
1071%Hey, hey, this is not a lending library!
1071%If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
1071%-- Apu, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1072%Come on, Bart, go with the flow!
1072%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1073%Sideshow Bob: So what's on your mind, Bart? Is it that other children
1073% don't accept you?
1073%Bart: Sure, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me.
1073%-- Armchair psychiatry, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1074%The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield
1074%Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal
1074%and Susan Sonntag.
1074%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1075%There was a school of thought called stoicism...
1075%-- Sideshow Bob hosts his Cavalcade of Whimsy, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1076%Bart: Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store!
1076% Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof!
1076% [whams Sideshow Bob's foot with a mallet]
1076%Sideshow Bob: [hopping and grabbing his foot]
1076% Ow! You lousy, stupid clumsy...
1076%Kids: Gasp!
1076%Bart: See that? Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet,
1076% like all good-hearted people. [whams Sideshow Bob's other foot]
1076%Sideshow Bob: [on the floor, grabbing his feet]
1076%Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled those shoes with these ugly feet!
1076% [removes Sideshow Bob's shoe, revealing his big, ugly feet]
1076%The Cop: [watching the show, eating donuts] Kid's right.
1076%The Other Cop: [doing the same] How do you suppose we missed that?
1076%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1077%And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids.
1077%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1078%Treat kids like equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think!
1078%They were smart enough to catch me!
1078%-- Sideshow Bob is carted away to jail, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1079%I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in
1079%prison are exaggerated.
1079%-- Homer to Krusty, ``Krusty Gets Busted''
1080%Homer: [receives a sweepstakes junk mail with a `You may have already won'
1080% check] One million dollars! I'm rich! [rushes to the bank]
1080%Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable.
1080%Homer: Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure?
1080%Teller: See where it says, ``VOID VOID VOID'' and ``This is not a check'',
1080% ``Cash value one twentieth of a cent'', ``Mr. Banker, do not
1080% honor''...
1080%Homer: Shut up.
1080%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1081%Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true.
1081% Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.
1081%Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.
1081%-- Homer may have already won $1 million, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1082%Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest.
1082%Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start
1082% now.
1082%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1083%Homer: [reading `Reading Digest'] Hey, a cartoon!
1083% [a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car]
1083% ``Well, dear, you always wanted a compact...''
1083% [laughs] Ain't it the truth!
1083%Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are
1083% safer drivers than men.
1083%Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just
1083% stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
1083% [gets up, revealing rear cleavage]
1083%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1084%Len: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime!
1084%Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
1084%Len: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those
====================== End of Part 6 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 7 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part7"
====================== Begin of Part 7 of 10 =========================
1084% stomach staples?
1084%Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, ``Give me learning, sir,
1084% and you may keep your black bread.''
1084%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1085%Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
1085%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
1085%Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange.
1085% His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!
1085%-- Why is Homer reading on the job? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1086%Announcer: We now return to Troy McClure and Dolores Montenegro
1086% in ``Preacher with a Shovel''.
1086%Man's voice: But irrigation can <save> your people, Chief Smiling Bear!
1086%-- The wonders of the American cinema, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1087%Marge: You've certainly taking a shying to that magazine.
1087%Homer: It's not just <one> magazine, Marge; they take <hundreds> of
1087% magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something
1087% that fits right into your front pocket.
1087% [struggles to shove it into his front pocket, tearing the seams
1087% in the process]
1087%-- Reading is fundamental, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1088%Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers
1088% dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion!
1088% [gasp] He'll be killed!
1088%Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
1088%Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.
1088%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1089%Homer: [reads] Seven ways to spice up your marriage.
1089% [ahem] [reads woodenly] Marge, you have a nice body.
1089% And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask.
1089%Marge: Why, thank you, Homey.
1089%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1090%Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC. All expenses paid, VIP tour'...
1090% Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash]
1090%Lisa: Wait, Dad. [fishes out of trash]
1090% Mm, an essay contest. Children under twelve, three hundred words,
1090% fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting.
1090%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1091%[as tranquil music plays in the background, Lisa writes her essay]
1091%What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today?
1091%He'd say... [tranquil music abruptly stops]
1091%[erasing] Oh, think of a better opening.
1091%-- After all, Ben Franklin was an editor, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1092%Lisa: Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad.
1092%Homer: Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine.
1092%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1093%We the purple? What the hell was that?
1093%-- Father to son on his essay topic, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1094%Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off!
1094%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1095%Steward: Yes, sir, can I get you something?
1095%Homer: Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin,
1095% propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else
1095% I've got coming to me.
1095%Steward: I'll see what I can do.
1095%-- Flying to Washington, DC, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1096%Pilot: And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle.
1096% Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats?
1096%Bart: No thank you. I'd rather push this button.
1096% [leans over and pushes a button]
1096%Pilot: No!
1096% [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments]
1096%Homer: Aagh! We're all going to die! [screams from the passengers]
1096%-- Are you breathing naturally? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1097%[at the airport, sees a chauffeur holding a sign that reads, `SIMPSON']
1097%Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do!
1097%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1098%Wow! A shoe horn! Just like in the movies!
1098%-- Homer is amazed at what comes with the hotel room,
1098% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1099%Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase
1099%your word power'. That thing is really, really.. really.... good.
1099%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1100%Faith: Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists.
1100% This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez.
1100%Maria and Trong: Hello.
1100%Faith: Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Trong has
1100% won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL
1100% Punt-Pass-and-Kick competition.
1100%Lisa: Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior
1100% ability?
1100%Maria: Mm.
1100%Trong: Sure, I guess.
1100%Lisa: Oh! Me, too! [embraces them]
1100%-- The plight of the superior, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1101%Faith: These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places
1101% other tourists never see.
1101%Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for?
1101%Faith: Important.
1101%Homer: Ooh. How about the `V'?
1101%Faith: Very.
1101%Homer: Oh. And Miss, just one more question.
1101%Faith: Person.
1101%Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?
1101%-- Short term um, what's that called... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1102%Bart: [reading a sign] On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled
1102% back-to-back 300 games.
1102%Homer: Yeah, right.
1102%-- Would he lie to you? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1103%Marge: Wow, the President's bathroom...
1103%Lisa: [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking]
1103%Babs: [gasp] Do you mind!
1103%Lisa: Barbara Bush!
1103%Babs: Ugh, you have those damn badges. Okay... [playing tour guide]
1103% This tub was installed in 1894...
1103%-- The VIP tour, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1104%Tour guide: Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day.
1104% Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples.
1104% [tour group chuckles]
1104%Homer: Lousy cheap country...
1104%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1105%Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!
1105%-- Or is it Looey? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1106%Marge: [admiring the Washington Monument] [chuckles]
1106%Homer: Hey, what's so funny?
1106%Marge: [whispers]
1106%Homer: Oh, Marge, grow up.
1106%-- Did he say, `up'? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1107%Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and I'd like to give you a
1107%logging permit, I would. But this isn't like burying toxic waste. People
1107%are going to notice those trees are gone.
1107%-- The quandaries of a Congressman, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1108%Arnold: You must be Lisa Simpson.
1108%Lisa: Hello, sir.
1108%Arnold: Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be a
1108% congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators, you
1108% know.
1108%Lisa: Only two. I checked.
1108%Arnold: [chuckles] You're a sharp one.
1108%-- Congressman Arnold has met his match? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1109%Moe: [seeing a photo of Congressman Arnold and Lisa in the paper]
1109% Aw, isn't that nice. Now <there> is a politician who cares.
1109%Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him! [belch]
1109%-- Portrait of a Nonvoter, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1110%Lisa: I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe
1110% Memorial?
1110%Homer: [half asleep] Who's that?
1110%Lisa: An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion
1110% of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.
1110%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1111%``I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor
1111%laws.'' Amen, sister.
1111%-- Lisa reads the inscription on the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial,
1111% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1112%Lisa: [over the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic]
1112% [sees the Lincoln Memorial in the reflecting pool]
1112% Honest Abe, he'll show me the way.
1112% [goes to the memorial]
1112% Mr. Lincoln?
1112%Man: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. What can I do to make this a
1112% better country?
1112%Woman: Is this a good time to buy a house?
1112%Woman: I can't get my boy to brush proper.
1112%Man: Would I look good with a mustache?
1112%Old man: [takes of his hat, revealing his bald pate]
1112% So I tried some turpentine but that just made it worse.
1112%Lisa: [trying to make herself heard over the din]
1112% Mr. Lincoln? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
1112%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1113%Lisa: Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem.
1113%Jefferson: I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded.
1113%Lisa: Sorry, sir. It's just...
1113%Jefferson: No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did
1113% anything important. Just the Declaration of Independence,
1113% the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter...
1113%Lisa: Uh, maybe I should be going. I've caught you at a bad time...
1113% [leaves]
1113%Jefferson: Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely...
1113%-- Talking heads, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1114%Page: Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest.
1114%Senator: Please, son, I'm very busy.
1114%Page: A little girl is losing faith in democracy!
1114%Senator: Good Lord!
1114%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1115%Speaker: We now vote on House bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold.
1115%Representative: Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we
1115% tack on a pay raise for ourselves?
1115%All: No!
1115%-- Heed my quips... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1116%When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no
1116%English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide
1116%chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or
1116%possible Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why,
1116%whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded
1116%of that wonderful word: flag!
1116%-- Trong's award-winning speech, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1117%Imprisoned Congressman Becomes Born-Again Christian
1117%-- If it's in the paper, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1118%Faith: Will the winning essay be...
1118% Bubble On, O Melting Pot,
1118% Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady,
1118% USA A-OK,
1118% or Cesspool on the Potomac?
1118%Bart: Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool!
1118%-- Awards ceremony, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington''
1119%Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Hallowe'en show, I warned you
1119%not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this
1119%year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think
1119%they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children
1119%and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not
1119%going to now. Enjoy the show.
1119%-- Marge's second disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1120%And to conclude this Hallowe'en newscast on a scary note... Remember, the
1120%Presidential primaries are only a few months away. [chuckles]
1120%-- Kent Brockman, ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1121%Marge: If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.
1121%Bart: [mouth full of candy] [sarcasm] Oh yeah, everybody in the family
1121% is going to have bad nightmares tonight, ha!
1121%Lisa: [more sarcasm] Oh yeah, three bad nightmares.
1121%Homer: [yet more sarcasm] I'd like to see that! Heh heh heh!
1121%-- Little do they know... ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1122%Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this?
1122%Lisa: [annoyed] Dad, that's Monaco.
1122%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1123%Vendor: Sir, I must strongly advise you: Do not purchase this.
1123% Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune.
1123% I, myself, was once president of Algeria.
1123%Homer: Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me!
1123%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1124%Marge: Ew, Homer, where did you get that ugly thing?
1124%Homer: Why, at that little shop right over... there?
1124% [all that's left is a gust of wind] [gasp!]
1124% Oh, no, wait, it was over there.
1124% [points at the shop]
1124%-- Sleight of hand, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1125%Marge: Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
1125%Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going
1125% to scream.
1125%Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying.
1125%-- Dame Fortune frowns, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1126%Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes
1126%would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful.
1126%-- Homer, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1127%Lisa: [takes the paw] I wish for world peace.
1127% [the second finger on the paw closes]
1127%Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!
1127%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1128%British ambassador: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy.
1128%Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours.
1128%-- The peace dividend, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1129%People of earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace!
1129%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1130%Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
1130%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1131%Len: They're conking us with a club!
1131%Man: Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two...
1131%-- Green aliens invade, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1132%I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on
1132%rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, <and> I don't want any zombie
1132%turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any
1132%other weird surprises. You got it?
1132%[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding]
1132%[a turkey sandwich materializes]
1132%[Homer takes it] Hey! [digs in]
1132%Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry.
1132%[in realization] The turkey's a little dry!
1132%Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! [huh?]
1132%What demon from the depths of hell created thee!
1132%-- Homer deals with... `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1133%Okily dokily!
1133%-- Ned Flanders, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1134%Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won.
1134%Alien 2: Did they? That board with a nail in it may have defeated us.
1134% But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards
1134% and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail
1134% so big, it will destroy them all!
1134% [both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time]
1134%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1135%Presented for your consideration: Springfield. An average little town,
1135%with a not-so-average monster.
1135%[townsfolk wander around with nervous smiles, saying, `Happy happy!']
1135%The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts
1135%and say happy things. Because this particular monster can read minds.
1135%and if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.
1135%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1136%And did I mention to you that the monster is a ten-year-old boy?
1136%[zoom in on Bart]
1136%Quite a twist, huh? Bet you didn't see that one coming.
1136%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1137%Bart: [sees Snowball 2] Every day, same old cat. I'll make it more
1137% interesting. [furrows his brow, turning the cat into a
1137% multi-colored fire-breathing whatever]
1137%Snowball: Meow. [fire breath singes the breakfast table. The cereal
1137% box is on fire]
1137%Bart: Ah, there. That's better.
1137%Marge: Much better. Oh, good! The curtains are on fire.
1137%Homer: [nervously] It's good that you made that.. awful thing, Bart.
1137% It's real good.
1137% [Marge hoses down the fire with the fire extinguisher]
1137%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1138%He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on <my> side.
1138%-- Homer to Marge, on Bart's impish powers,
1138% `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1139%Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond
1139%with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. [groans from the class]
1139%America was now discovered in 1942 by ... [consults] `Some Guy'.
1139%And our country isn't called America any more. It's Bonerland.
1139%-- Ms. Krabappel, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1140%Moe: [answers the phone]
1140% Moe's Tavern. ... Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid
1140% moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to
1140% kiss my own butt.
1140%All: [laugh]
1140%Barney: Ho ho, that's a good one.
1140%Moe: Wait a minute... [picks up the receiver]
1140%Bart: [hangs up and laughs]
1140%Ms.K: [holding the phone, forces a laugh]
1140%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1141%The kick is up! It's looking good! The ball is turning into a fat bald
1141%guy! [Homer sails through the air (`Aaaaaaaaagh!') and collides with the
1141%goal post. (Twanggggg!)] And it's no good! And you know what we say
1141%every time something strange happens! It's good that Bart did that! It's
1141%<very> good!
1141%-- Football announcer, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1142%[laughs sickly] Well, we're still on. Three hundred and forty-six
1142%consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET
1142%ME STOP!!! [delirious] Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel
1142%has any more of those legal over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!
1142%-- Krusty's marathon, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1143%Marge: Goodness, what's wrong?
1143%Bart: We both had nightmares.
1143%Lisa: Can we sleep with you?
1143%Homer: You both toilet trained?
1143%Bart and Lisa: [indignantly] Yes!
1143%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1144%Smithers: [over P.A.] Attention Homer Simpson. Attention Homer Simpson.
1144%Homer: [still dozing at his post]
1144%Smithers: Wake up, Homer.
1144%Homer: [startles awake]
1144%Smithers: You're fired.
1144%Homer: For what?
1144%Smithers: For sleeping on the job.
1144%Homer: How'd you know I was sleeping?
1144%Smithers: We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
1144%Homer: Camera? [spots the camera] D'oh!
1144%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1145%Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine
1145%tails! [unveils his Frankenstein monster]
1145%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1146%Lisa: [reading the classifieds] Hey, here's a good job, Dad!
1146% Oh, wait, you have to know how to operate an ultrasonic
1146% lithotriptor.
1146%Homer: How hard can it be?
1146%Bart: Hey Dad, here's one! $28/hr, plenty of fresh air, and you
1146% get to meet lots of interesting people.
1146%Homer: Ooh, what job is that?
1146%Bart: Grave digger. [laughs evilly]
1146%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1147%Smithers, get him out quickly. The stench is overpowering.
1147%-- Burns finds Homer's ``dead'' body,
1147% `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1148%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee.
1148%Burns: Well, who <is> a model [sees Smithers sans skull, just brain]
1148% employee....
1148%Smithers: [panicking] Uh, Simpson will do just fine, sir.
1148%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1149%Smithers: You hear that, sir?
1149%Burns: No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The Booooger Man?
1149%-- Me and my shadow, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1150%Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive.
1150%Burns: Oh. [walks over to it, and thwacks it with a shovel]
1150% Bad corpse. [thwack] Bad corpse. [thwack]
1150% Stop [thwack] scaring [thwack] Smithers! [thwack]
1150%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1151%Burns: [saws off the top of Homer's head. No blood, very clean.
1151% The top of Homer's head rolls away.]
1151% Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
1151%Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!
1151%Burns: Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
1151%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1152%It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. Well, who's
1152%mad now! [laughs diabolically]
1152%-- Mad Scientist Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1153%Johnny Carson: [as Karnak] Geraldo Rivera, Madonna, and a diseased yak.
1153%Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho.
1153%-- Watching TV, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1154%Lisa: Mom, what's wrong?
1154%Marge: It's your father. He's missing.
1154%Bart: Dad's missing? Get outta here.
1154%Marge: He's been gone for two days.
1154%Lisa: Whaddya know. She's right.
1154%-- Familial concern, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1155%I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with.
1155%Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.
1155%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1156%Smithers: You know what this means? He <is> alive!
1156%Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke.
1156%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1157%And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous
1157%cog and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it]
1157%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1158%Every bone ... shattered, organs ... leaking vital fluids ...
1158%a slight headache ... loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
1158%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1159%Homer: [wakes up and screams]
1159%Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
1159%Homer: No, Bart bit me.
1159%Bart: Hey, man, you were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth
1159% was full of flab.
1159%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1160%Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was
1160% crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
1160%Homer: [trying to stay calm] I can wake up. It's all a dream.
1160% It's just a dream.
1160%Burns: Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... Or is it? [laughs diabolically]
1160% [Executive Producer credit appears]
1160%Announcer: Next week, on `The Simpsons'...
1160% [the breakfast table]
1160%Lisa: [puts down the newspaper] Don't forget, Dad, tonight my class is having
1160% an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
1160%Homer: Mmm... Spaghetti.
1160%Burns: [his head attached to Homer's shoulder] But Homer, tonight's our
1160% reception for Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands!
1160%Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads.
1160%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II''
1161%Bart: Looks like I've got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge!
1161% [hunts through the box of cereal]
1161% Hey, it's not in here. You stole it!
1161%Lisa: No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart.
1161%Homer: [coming in] Hey, look what I got! A genuine official police badge!
1161% ``Calling all cars! Come out with your hands up!'' Heh heh heh.
1161%Bart: Hey, that's my badge, Homer.
1161%Homer: That's <Officer> Homer! Hee hee hee hee.
1161%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1162%You ate my homework!? I didn't know dogs <really> did that...
1162%-- Bart to Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart the Murderer''
1163%Ms.K: Bart Simpson, you're late. Go fill out a tardy slip.
1163%Bart: But I'm only five... [looks at the clock] ten, twenty...
1163% Forty minutes! That's pretty damn late!
1163%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1164%Lisa: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate!
1164%Wendell?: I'm going to each chocolate 'til I barf!
1164%-- Field trip to the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer''
1165%Principal Skinner: Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the PTA!
1165%Bart: You're making me lick envelopes?
1165%P.S.: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game
1165% of it.
1165%Bart: What kind of game?
1165%P.S.: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour,
1165% then try to break that record.
1165%Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me.
1165%P.S.: Yes, well... Get started.
1165%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1166%I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed.
1166%But it's the only way he'll learn...
1166%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Murderer''
1167%Welcome to the Chocolate Factory. I'm Troy McClure! You probably remember
1167%me from such films as `The Revenge of Abe Lincoln', and `The Wackiest
1167%Covered Wagon in the West'.
1167%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1168%[haunting native American music plays, scene changes to an Aztec pyramid]
1168%The history of chocolate begins with the ancient Aztecs.
1168%[see a hand holding an `Ah Fudge' candy bar]
1168%In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package,
1168%chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf.
1168%[candy bar changes to a coiled tobacco leaf]
1168%And instead of being pure chocolate, like we have today, it was
1168%mixed with shredded tobacco.
1168%[pull back to see a smiling Aztec fellow holding the cigar-shaped tobacco leaf]
1168%And they didn't eat it, they smoked it!
1168%[Aztec lights it, takes a puff, and smiles broadly]
1168%-- Educational film at the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer''
1169%Tony: Pick a horse, kid. We're putting two dollars on the third race.
1169% Make it a good one.
1169%Bart: Eat my shorts!
1169%Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form]
1169% Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is
1169% in the fifth race! I said the <third> race!
1169%Bart: Don't have a cow!
1169%Tony: Mm.. [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third,
1169% put a deuce on him.
1169%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1170%As they come out of the turn, it's Sufferin' Succotash by a neck over
1170%Yabba-Dabba-Doo, two lengths back Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks.
1170%I Yam What I Yam can see them all, but here comes Don't Have a Cow flying on
1170%the outside, and coming down to the wire, it's all Don't Have a Cow!
1170%-- The third race, ``Bart the Murderer''
1171%Homer: How much does it pay?
1171%Bart: Thirty bucks a week!
1171%Homer: Pfft! I make more than that.
1171%-- Bart gets a part-time job, ``Bart the Murderer''
1172%It's funny because it's true.
1172%-- Fat Tony, ``Bart the Murderer''
1173%Fat Tony: Chief Wiggum! You honor us with your presence.
1173%Chief Wiggum: Baloney! I'm not going to rest until one of us is behind bars.
1173% You! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette
1173% truck that got hijacked on Route 401?
1173%Fat Tony: What's a truck?
1173%Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me!
1173%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1174%Wiggum: Let me assure all you smokers out there that there is <no>
1174% shortage of cigarettes.
1174%Reporter: [shouts] How do we know that?
1174%Wiggum: Um, let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco
1174% Products. Jack?
1174%Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload
1174% of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco
1174% flavor is already heading towards Springfield. The driver <has> been
1174% instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. [all cheer]
1174%-- Press conference, ``Bart the Murderer''
1175%Lisa: [somewhat shocked] Bart, is your boss a crook?
1175%Bart: I don't think so. Although it would explain an awful lot.
1175%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1176%Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
1176%Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving
1176% family?
1176%Bart: No.
1176%Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal
1176% a truckload of bread to feed them?
1176%Bart: Uh uh.
1176%Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
1176%Bart: I guess that's okay.
1176%Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price
1176% that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
1176%Bart: Hell, no!
1176%Tony: Enjoy your gift.
1176%-- What if he puts jelly on it? ``Bart the Murderer''
1177%Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.
1177%-- Bart, ``Bart the Murderer''
1178%Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for.
1178% I think they're criminals.
1178%Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water
1178% and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.
1178%-- Guilt by association? ``Bart the Murderer''
1179%Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for
1179% two weeks. [looking at a pizza delivery truck conspicuously
1179% equipped with a satellite dish]
1179%[inside the truck, loaded with electronic snooping equipment]
1179%Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza?
1179%Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown.
1179%Man 2: Let's roll. [the truck speeds off]
1179%[back in the bedroom]
1179%Homer: See? It was all your imagination.
1179%[another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted
1179% on the side? Flowers
1179% By
1179% Irene]
1179%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1180%Homer: [playing poker]
1180% Heh heh! Read 'em and weep, boys. Another pair of sixes!
1180%Tony: [folding with four aces] Beats me.
1180%Man: I was... bluffing.
1180%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1181%Tony: I am thrilled you decided to let your boy continue to work here.
1181%Homer: You know, if you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter.
1181%Tony: Homer, you're a helluva father.
1181%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1182%Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir.
1182%Skinner: Um, I don't have any appointment with any large men.
1182% [Fat Tony and two heavies come in]
1182%Fat Tony: You Skinner?
1182%Skinner: <Principal> Skinner, yes. And how, may I ask, did you get
1182% past the hall monitors?
1182%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1183%I can assure you that we're using the most advanced scientific techniques
1183%in the field of... [searching for the word] body-finding.
1183%-- Police Chief Wiggum's briefing, ``Bart the Murderer''
1184%Gypsy: [roaming her hands over a picture of Skinner]
1184% I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy.
1184%Wiggum: Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner.
1184%Gypsy: Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits.
1184% [gasp] Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming
1184% the English Channel.
1184%Wiggum: Really? Willie Nelson?
1184%-- Would she lie to you? ``Bart the Murderer''
1185%Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
1185%Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
1185%Milhouse: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
1185%Student: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us
1185% at lunch.
1185%Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
1185%Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation.
1185% I know the law, you can't prove anything.
1185%-- He was like that when I got there. ``Bart the Murderer''
1186%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me?
1186%Rev.: Yes, Bart. [pats Bart] [emotionlessly] There there.
1186% [pats some more] There there.
1186%-- An enormous help, ``Bart the Murderer''
1187%Bart: Did you kill my principal?
1187%Tony: Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache?
1187%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1188%Oh Bart, why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys?
1188%-- Marge, when Bart is arrested for murder, ``Bart the Murderer''
1189%Bart: What's that guy doing here?
1189%Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you against
1189% charges of... [reads the deposition] Murder One! Wow! Even if
1189% I <lose>, I'll be famous!
1189%-- Inherit the Windbag, ``Bart the Murderer''
1190%Smithers: That Simpsons boy is looking at 180 years.
1190%Burns: Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a
1190% ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult.
1190%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1191%Tony: I didn't order this Skinner guy killed...
1191%D.A.: But aren't you the head of this gang?
1191%Tony: No. I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary
1191% newspaper.
1191%D.A.: Then who is the kingpin, the [jargon I can't make out]
1191%Tony: That's the guy! [fingers Bart]
1191%All: [gasp]
1191%Bart: Hey!
1191%Tony: Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.
1191%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer''
1192%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years.
1192% Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous
1192% criminal syndicate?
1192%Homer: Well, not the leader, I mean... [cries] Oh, it's true, it's true!
1192% All the pieces fit! [bawls]
1192%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer''
1193%Now, in light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your
1193%father, your teachers, and the seemingly endless parade of emotionally
1193%shattered babysitters...
1193%-- The Judge's summing-up, ``Bart the Murderer''
1194%Wiggum: Find anything this time, boys?
1194%Cop: Uh, no sign of him, Chief.
1194%Wiggum: Princess Opal?
1194%Opal: I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta
1194% Burke and Major Dad.
1194%Wiggum: But they seem so happy!
1194%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1195%Judge: Case dismissed!
1195%Hutz: Your honor... Do I still get paid?
1195%-- Pro bono pocketo, ``Bart the Murderer''
1196%Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.
1196%Bart: Get bent.
1196%Tony: I deserved that.
1196%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1197%Tony: Me and the boys, we still think you got a big future in racketeering
1197% and extortion.
1197%Bart: Sorry, Fat Tony. I used to think your gang was cool. But now
1197% I learned that crime doesn't pay.
1197%Tony: Yeah, you're right. [leaves in his expensive limo, complete with
1197% pretty woman]
1197%-- Do as I say... ``Bart the Murderer''
1198%Announcer: Blood on the Blackboard! The Bart Simpson story!
1198% Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Montegna
1198% as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie
1198% Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson!
1198%`Tony': Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here.
1198%`Bart': Shut up! Where do you want it, Skinner?
1198%`Skinner': [spits on him]
1198%`Bart': Not smart. [pumps him full of lead]
1198%Bart: Cool!
1198%Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this?
1198%Marge: Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to
1198% pay us.
1198%Homer: Oh, you know who the <real> crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood
1198% producers!
1198%-- ``Bart the Murderer''
1199%Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article,
1199% SAT scores are declining at a slower rate!
1199%Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs,
1199% factoids and Larry King.
1199%Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell
1199% the truth, that everything is just fine.
1199%-- Reading US of A TODAY, ``Homer Defined''
1200%Bart: [inscribing a card]
1200% ``To me bestest bud, Milhouse. Happy Birthday. Bart.''
1200%Lisa: Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? [reads] ``Hey there,
1200% ten-year-old! I couldn't afford to get you a new drum...''
1200% [opens the card, revealing a picture of a well-endowed woman]
1200% [reading with lost enthusiasm] ``So how about a nice pair of
1200% bongos''? Ewww...
1200%-- Amen, sister, ``Homer Defined''
1201%They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies!
1201%I'll keep one and you keep one.
1201%Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone
1201%and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.
1201%-- Bart, explaining his gift to Milhouse, ``Homer Defined''
1202%Martin: Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday.
1202% Jelly bean basket, personalized noisemakers.
1202% But the little touches are what made it enduring!
1202%Bart: What's he talking about?
1202%Milhouse: Uh... Hey! Look at that dog! Isn't that something!
1202%Bart: [sees a rather plain dog] Wow, brown!
1202%-- How to change the subject, method 3. ``Homer Defined''
1203%Whoa, Springfield Elementary, last stop!
1203%Oh, and by the way, I'd like to say Thanks, and applose[?] applause to
1203%birthday boy Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday!
1203%Oh, and Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof.
1203%-- Otto's announcement (emergencies only), ``Homer Defined''
1204%Bye, little dudes! Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn!
1204%-- Otto drops the kids off at school, ``Homer Defined''
1205%Burns: So, what did you do this weekend, Smithers?
1205%Smithers: Well, I caught up on my laundry, wrote a letter to my mother,
1205% oh, here a kicker, and I took Hercules out to be clipped.
1205%Burns: Who the devil is Hercules?
1205%Smithers: Oh, he's my Yorkshire terrier, sir. He's kind of tiny, so you
1205% know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Herky. [shows a wallet
1205% photo]
1205%Burns: Ugh. Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red!
1205%-- Hercules and the Lion? ``Homer Defined''
1206%Burns: I took in a movie. An appalling little piece of filth.
1206% Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the
1206% film strolling around naked as a jaybird!
1206%Smithers: [gasp]
1206%Burns: No, just give the Great Unwashed a pair of oversized breasts
1206% and a happy ending, and they'll oink for more every time.
1206%[Homer talking with his coworkers]
1206%Homer: What a movie! And that blonde cutie! Does she have assets! [oinks]
1206%-- Wallowing in filth, ``Homer Defined''
1207%[poking at each jelly donut in turn]
1207%[poke] Igh, lemon. [poke] Ugh, cherry. [poke] Ooh, custard.
1207%[poke] Mmmmm.... purple...
1207%-- Homer, enjoying the finer things in life, ``Homer Defined''
1208%Apu: Otto, do you know there's a small child inside your bus?
1208%Otto: [sees Bart] Ooh, good thing you warned me. I was on my way to Mexico!
1208%-- Tijuana Schoolbus, ``Homer Defined''
1209%Voice: Warning... Problem in Sector 7-G.
1209%Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
1209%Smithers: [calls up a video file photo of a hairful Homer]
1209% Homer Simpson, sir.
1209%Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent?
1209%Smithers: [reluctantly] Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
1209%Burns: [sarcastically] Thank you, President Ford.
1209%-- Quality is Job One, ``Homer Defined''
1210%Homer: [waking up to the sound of loud rhythmic buzzing]
1210% Huh? ... Noise! ... Bad noise!
1210%Voice: [calmly] Five minutes before critical mass...
1210%Homer: Critical what!? [trying to calm down]
1210% Okay, okay, don't panic, whosever problem this is, I'm sure they
1210% know how to handle it... [the jelly covering the dial pops off]
1210% Huh? Aaagh!! It's <my> problem!!! We're doomed!!!!
1210%Voice: [as steel doors seal off the safety control room]
1210% [calmly] Sector 7-G is now being isolated...
1210%-- It has been our pleasure to serve you, ``Homer Defined''
1211%You know, once, my old lady ran off and married my brother.
1211%Well, it hurt, but here it is a month later, and I'm sleeping on
1211%their couch!
1211%-- Otto-Man, ``Homer Defined''
1212%Announcer: We interrupt `Search for the Sun' for this special news bulletin.
1212% Meltdown Crisis: The First Couple of Minutes.
1212%Brockman: [surrounded by comb and hair dryer] Forget the hair, just give
1212% me the blush! [realizes the cameras are on him] Oh, we're on.
1212%-- Ready for anything, ``Homer Defined''
1213%Kent: On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns?
1213%Burns: Oh, hello, Kent. [as loud rhythmic buzzing continues in the background]
1213% Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting
1213% a minor, piffling malfunction. [rapid-fire shots of havoc in the plant]
1213% But I can assure you and the public that there is absolutely no danger
1213% whatsoever. [air raid siren wails] Things couldn't be more ship-shape.
1213% [cut to Burns' office, where he is busy donning a radiation suit]
1213%Smithers: Sir, where is <my> radiation suit?
1213%Burns: How the hell should I know? [covers the name `Smithers' on the suit
1213% he is wearing]
1213%Kent: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
1213%Burns: [laughs] Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer
1213% to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
1213%-- Obfuscatory sesquipedalianism, ``Homer Defined''
1214%Homer: [panicking, as warning sirens wail] Gotta think, gotta think...
1214% Okay, somewhere there's a thingie that tells you how to work this
1214% stuff. The uh, the uh, the manual! The manual! Right!
1214% [hunts under the console] [finds it]
1214% Agh! It's as fat as a phone book! [opens to first page] [reads]
1214% `Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 Slow-Fission
1214% Reactor'... D'oh! Get to the point, man! [finds an insert]
1214% Ooh, what's this? [unfolds it, it's a giant schematic]
1214% D'oh! Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated!
1214%-- Everything is under control, sort of, ``Homer Defined''
1215%Voice: [cheerfully] Ninety seconds to core meltdown.
1215%Smithers: Sir, there may be never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
1215%Burn: [disgusted] Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moment
1215% on earth socially awkward.
1215%-- The moment of truth, ``Homer Defined''
1216%Moe: Looks like this is the end...
1216%Barney: Oh, that's all right. I couldn'ta led a richer life.
1216%-- Core meltdown is imminent, ``Homer Defined''
1217%Kent: After the meltdown, we can expect roving bands of...
1217%Abe: Ah, I don't like this program.
1217%Jasper: Change the channel.
1217% [woman does so]
1217%TV: Wheel! Of! Fortune!!
1217%-- Dame Fortune smiles, ``Homer Defined''
1218%Marge: [praying] Dear Lord. If you spare this town from becoming
1218% a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian.
1218% I don't know what I can do... Mm... Oh, the next time there's
1218% a canned food drive, I'll give the poor something they'd actually
1218% like, instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix.
1218%-- Throw in a coupla Hail Mary's and we might have a deal, ``Homer Defined''
1219%Homer: Okay okay, think back to your training...
1219% [begin flashback]
1219%Trainer: Now, Homer, this may very well save your life one day.
1219% This... Homer?
1219%Homer: [playing with a Rubik's cube] Yeah?
1219%Trainer: Please pay attention. This button here controls the emergency
1219% override circuit. In the event of a meltdown, push this button
1219% and only this button.
1219%Homer: [completing a side of the cube] Ooh, a side!
1219%Trainer: Simpson!
1219%Homer: What?
1219%Trainer: You see which button I'm pushing?
1219%Homer: [not looking] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Push the button. Got it.
1219% [end flashback]
1219% This is all your fault! [throws Rubik's cube away]
1219%-- Well, at least he remembered the general idea, ``Homer Defined''
1220%Voice: [pleasantly] Thirty seconds to core meltdown.
1220%Burns: Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left but to kiss
1220% my sorry butt good-bye.
1220%Smithers: May I, sir?
1220%Burns: Ugh.
1220%-- Just asking, ``Homer Defined''
1221%Prof. John Fink: [indicating on a map] These unfortunate people here will
1221% be instantly killed. [indicating] This circle, which I am sad to say
1221% we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death.
1221%Kent: Good Lord!
1221%-- Analyzed to death? ``Homer Defined''
1222%Skinner: They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck-and-cover
1222% method, but who's laughing now!
1222%-- ``Homer Defined''
1223%Voice: All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized.
1223% Have a nice day.
1223%-- It's been a pleasure serving you, ``Homer Defined''
1224%Man: [emerges from closet, fixing his tie]
1224%Woman: Will I ever see you again?
1224%Man: Sure, baby. Next meltdown.
1224%-- ``Homer Defined''
1225%TV: I'd like to solve the puzzle. `Three Loins in the Fountain'. [buzz]
1225%-- Wheel of Misfortune, ``Homer Defined''
1226%Burns: [voice only]
1226% Yes, we've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know, false alarm.
1226%Marge: Phew!
1226%Burns: It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system.
1226%Kent: Very good. Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken.
1226% This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant
1226% in the future.
1226%Burns: [in his office, still wearing his radiation suit]
1226% Excellent. Well, ta!
1226%-- Hardly a post-apocalyptic war zone, ``Homer Defined''
1227%Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more.
1227% That's why you couldn't come to the party.
1227%Bart: What's she got against me?
1227%Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
1227%Bart: [slams his hand on the table] Bad influence, my ass!
1227% How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!
1227%-- What he said, ``Homer Defined''
1228%Karl: Hey, way to save our lives!
1228%Len: Yeah, we owe you one!
1228%Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman.
1228% You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
1228%-- ``Homer Defined''
1229%Burns: Oh, and what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin
1229% `Magic' Johnson?
1229%Homer: [gasps] Magic Johnson!? [picks up the phone] Yello?
1229%Magic: [calling from the arena] Is this really Homer Simpson?
1229%Homer: Yeah.
1229%Magic: Wow. Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate
1229% you on averting that nuclear holocaust.
1229%-- On his way to Disneyland, ``Homer Defined''
1230%Lisa: [laughing at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon]
1230% Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle?
1230%-- ``Homer Defined''
1231%Marge: [reading the plaque] For heroic competence, for narrowly
1231% averting a meltdown, and proving without question that
1231% nuclear power is completely safe. Employee of the Month!
1231%-- ``Homer Defined''
1232%A role model in my very own home. How convenient!
1232%-- Lisa, ``Homer Defined''
1233%Homer: Look, I get enough admiration and respect at work!
1233% I don't need it here at home!
1233%-- No argument from Bart, ``Homer Defined''
1234%Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
1234%Homer: Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes in my mouth...
1234%Marge: Hm. It's actually more of a honey glaze.
1234%Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove.
1234%-- Marge and Lisa uncharacteristically miss a metaphor, ``Homer Defined''
1235%Homer: [angrily] What's <your> problem, boy?
1235%Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse.
1235%Homer: That four-eyes with a big nose? You don't need friends like that.
1235%Lisa: How Zen...
1235%-- Dinner conversation, ``Homer Defined''
1236%Homer: What is it? What are you doing?
1236%Lisa: Looking at you with quiet awe.
1236%Homer: Well, as long as it's quiet.
1236%-- ``Homer Defined''
1237%Burns: Ah, Simpson, here's someone I want you to meet.
1237% Aristotle Amodopoulos, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power
1237% Facility. It seems Ari's been having terrible worker
1237% problems at Shelbyville.
1237%Ari: They've lost their zest for work. You must help them find their
1237% ine-haratu-nadzu-leri [or whatever].
1237%Homer: Their ine-aratu-zoola-what?
1237%Ari: Yes!
1237%-- Just checking, ``Homer Defined''
1238%We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from a bunch of
1238%donut-eating goof-offs into a pack of Homer Simpsons!
1238%-- Burns seems to have missed the point, ``Homer Defined'
1239%Maggie: [playing Monopoly with Bart]
1239% [removes her pacifier, coughs up a hotel]
1239%Marge: Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.
1239%Bart: [holding up the box] Don't worry, Mom. There's tons of these things.
1239%-- ``Homer Defined''
1240%Marge: Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
1240%Bart: I don't want to play with Milhouse.
1240%Marge: You mean you still haven't made up with him?
1240%Bart: It's his mom. She says I'm a bad influence.
1240% [takes Maggie's hand] Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that
1240% hornet's nest.
1240%Marge: Mmm...
1240%-- ``Homer Defined''
1241%Marge: Mrs. Van Houten? I'm Bart's mother. We met in the emergency room
1241% when the boys drank paint?
1241%Mrs.V: I remember.
1241%-- ``Homer Defined''
1242%Marge: I know Bart can be a handful, but I also know what he's like inside.
1242% He's got a spark. It's not a bad thing. ... Of course, it makes
1242% him <do> bad things...
1242%Mrs.V: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf `sucks'.
1242% He must've gotten that from your little boy, because they
1242% certainly <don't> say that on TV.
1242%-- Of course, ``Homer Defined''
1243%Barney: So next time somebody tells you carney folk are good, honest people,
1243% you can spit in their faces for me!
1243%Lisa: I will, Mr. Gumbel, but if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad
1243% for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around
1243% for a day to see what makes him tick.
1243%Barney: Aw, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars, too.
1243% [belch]
1243%-- ``Homer Defined''
1244%Moe: Here you go, one beer [sets it in front of Lisa]. One chocolate
1244% milk. [sets it in front of Homer]
1244%Lisa: Uh, excuse me, <I> had the chocolate milk.
1244%Moe: Oh.
1244%-- They're so hard to tell apart, ``Homer Defined''
1245%What's the matter, Homer? The depressing effects of alcohol usually
1245%don't kick in 'til closing time.
1245%-- Moe, ``Homer Defined''
1246%Lisa: He's just a little nervous. He has to give a speech tomorrow on
1246% how to keep cool in a crisis.
1246%Homer: [shaking Lisa in a panic] What am I going to do!?
1246% What am I going to do!?
1246%-- You could see that gag coming, couldn't you? ``Homer Defined''
1247%Barney: I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a
1247% little trick. I picture everyone in their underwear.
1247% The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.
1247%Homer: Did it work?
1247%Barney: I'm a free man, ain't I?
1247%-- A mixed blessing, ``Homer Defined''
1248%Milhouse: [on the walkie talkie] Milhouse to Bart. Do you want to come
1248% over and play?
1248%Bart: Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die?
1248%Milhouse: Um, I don't think so.
1248%Bart: Well, who cares.
1248%-- Would you like to check? ``Homer Defined''
1249%As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of
1249%[suddenly turns nasty] loathing and revulsion! You are not workers! You
1249%are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats!
1249%-- Aristotle Amodopoulos gives his employees a pep talk, ``Homer Defined''
1250%Homer: [nervously reading a speech] Grace under pressure is no...
1250%Voice: [sirens wail] Three minutes to meltdown.
1250% [the auditorium empties in a panic]
1250%Homer: Phew! Saved by the bell.
1250%-- Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ``Homer Defined''
1251%Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.
1251%-- Computer announcement, ``Homer Defined''
1252%Eenie meenie miney moe.
1252%Is Homer a hero? The answer is, `No'.
1252%I'm Kent Brockman, and that was `My Two Cents'.
1252%-- A brief editorial, ``Homer Defined''
1253%Bart: Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you
1253% down for?
1253%Milhouse: A hundred!
1253%Bart: Consider it done.
1253%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1254%Dear Krusty: This is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302, respectfully
1254%returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered.
1254%Now I know for sure. Get bent! -- Bart Simpson
1254%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1255%Krusty: [dials 1-900-SEX-CHAT]
1255%Voice: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to
1255% a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now,
1255% let's join the party!
1255% [five-way split screen, showing five men]
1255%Krusty: Hello?
1255%Man 1: Hello?
1255%Man 2: Hello?
1255%Apu: Are there any women here?
1255%Krusty: Hello!?
1255%Apu: Are you a beautiful woman?
1255%Krusty: [angrily] Do I sound like a beautiful woman?
1255%Apu: This is not as hot a party as I anticipated.
1255%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1256%Marge: [gently reminding] Bart, wipe your feet.
1256%Bart: Why bother? They'll just get dirty again.
1256%-- A different point of view, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1257%[a rap at the door in the `Shave and a Haircut' rhythm, with horn honks
1257% and Krusty's laugh in place of `Two Bits'.]
1257%Homer: You think it's him?
1257%-- Waiting for Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1258%Krusty: [entertaining the family by riding a unicycle while balancing
1258% a plant on his nose]
1258%Bart: Krusty, you don't have to be `on' tonight.
1258%Homer: What are you talking about! Of course he does!
1258%Lisa: No Dad, Krusty is our guest. Your pratfalls and Punchinello
1258% antics aren't necessary here.
1258%Krusty: Really?
1258%Bart: Yeah, just relax and be yourself.
1258%Krusty: Oh, that's a relief. [gets down from unicycle, removes plant from
1258% nose (revealing that it was attached via suction cup), and releasing a
1258% chimp on roller skates] Go wait in the car. [the chimp skates away]
1258%Homer: Aw, we could have seen the monkey!
1258%-- To complement the baboon, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1259%Marge: Who wants to say Grace?
====================== End of Part 7 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 8 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part8"
====================== Begin of Part 8 of 10 =========================
1259%Lisa: Why don't we let our guest do it?
1259%Milhouse: Bless us O Lord...
1259%Bart: [whaps Milhouse]
1259%Milhouse: Hey! [rubs his ample nose]
1259%-- My Dinner with Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1260%Krusty: [saying a pre-meal blessing]
1260% Baruch atah adonai,
1260% eloheinu, melech ha'olam,
1260% hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz.
1260%Homer: Hee hee hee hee hee! He's talking funny-talk!
1260%Lisa: No Dad, that's Hebrew! Krusty must be Jewish.
1260%Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here!
1260%Lisa: Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers, including
1260% Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks.
1260%Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish!?!
1260%-- Who would've known? ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1261%Bart: Krusty, are you all right?
1261%Krusty: Yes, it's just that saying the bracha brings back a lot of
1261% painful memories, the old days, my... my father... [bawls]
1261%Homer: Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meatloaf or what?
1261%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1262%Poor Krusty. He's like a black velvet painting come to life.
1262%-- Lisa, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1263%My name isn't Krusty the Klown. It's Herschel Krustofsky. My father was
1263%a rabbi. <His> father was a rabbi. His father's fath--- Well, you get
1263%the idea.
1263%-- Big shoes to fill with small feet (like all good-hearted people),
1263% ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1264%Man 1: Should I finish college?
1264%Rabbi K: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.
1264%Woman: [babe in arms] Rabbi, should I have another child?
1264%Rabbi K: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
1264%Man 2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
1264%Rabbi K: Eh, couldn't you rephrase that as a, as an ethical question?
1264%Man 2: Um... Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
1264%Rabbi K: Oh, yes! [chuckles] For great is the car with power steering
1264% and dynaflow suspension!
1264%-- It is written... ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1265%Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
1265%Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
1265%Homer: Why you little! [strangles Bart]
1265%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1266%Rabbi K: You know that my son Herschel was first in his yeshiva class?
1266% As a matter of fact, he was voted `The most likely to hear God'.
1266%Rabbi 2: Oh, go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again, you're so proud of
1266% your son.
1266%Rabbi K: A rabbi would never exaggerate! A rabbi composes. He creates
1266% thoughts. He tells stories that may never have happened.
1266% But he does not exaggerate!
1266%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1267%Oy vey's mir! You have brought shame on our family!
1267%Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive.
1267%-- Rabbi Krustofsky to his son the clown, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1268%Bart: Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?
1268%Krusty: All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.
1268%-- Keeping those emotions in check, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1269%Krusty: So, uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes?
1269%Milhouse: [crying] I want to go home!
1269%-- The clown who came to dinner, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1270%Announcer: Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to...
1270% Hercules vs. the Martians!
1270%Martian: Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Hahahaha.
1270%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1271%Rabbi K: [answering the phone] Hello. Hello? Anybody there?
1271% What's this, I hear the phone ring, and suddenly there's nothing.
1271% I'm listening and there's no talking. Hello, mister, who are you?
1271% Why would they call if they don't want to talk to you? [hangs up]
1271%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1272%Didn't Itchy Junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy
1272%Junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher?
1272%-- Krusty asks the kids, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1273%A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
1273%-- Lisa Simpson on Krusty the Klown, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1274%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi.
1274%Rev.L: [flustered] Well, um, before you make any rash decisions, let me
1274% just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs
1274% of today's young Christians!
1274%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1275%Lisa: We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky.
1275%Rev.L: Rabbi Krustofsky? Well, I do a radio call-in show with him every
1275% Sunday night!
1275%Bart: Really?
1275%Lisa: I didn't know that.
1275%Rev.L: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week.
1275%Bart: [false realization] Oh, oh, <that> radio show!
1275%Lisa: [playing along] Oh yeah! It's all the kids talk about on Monday at
1275% school.
1275%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1276%Bart: Can you give us the rabbi's address?
1276%Rev.L: Oh, sure thing. Let me just check my non-Christian rolodex...
1276%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1277%Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky?
1277%Rabbi K: Oh, what can I do for you, my young friend?
1277%Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
1277%Rabbi K: I have no son! [slams the door]
1277%Bart: Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
1277%Rabbi K: [opens the door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams the door]
1277%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1278%And, in order to keep our broadcasting licence, we devote Sunday night
1278%dead time to public service shows of limited appeal.
1278%-- It's funny 'cause it's true, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1279%Gabbin' about God, sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say,
1279%``If we don't got it, it ain't holy.''
1279%-- Or kosher, as appropriate, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1280%Announcer: And our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights.
1280%Caller: Yes, hi. With all the suffering and injustice in the world,
1280% do you ever wonder if God really exists?
1280%Rev. L: No.
1280%Msgr. D: [Irish accent] Not for a second.
1280%Rabbi K: Not at all.
1280%Announcer: Great, good conversation there. Our next call...
1280%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1281%Rabbi K: Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking.
1281% What's going on here? Hello, mister? Hello, hello?
1281%Krusty: [sighs, hangs up]
1281%Rabbi K: Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up.
1281% There's all kinds of mishegoyim in the world.
1281%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1282%Bart: Hello, my name's Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time
1282% listener. My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses
1282% a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the
1282% father forgive the son?
1282%Rev. L: I think so.
1282%Msgr. D: Yes, of course.
1282%Rabbi K: No way! Absolutely not! Never, never! Who screens these calls?
1282% Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge? They leave
1282% a building without people watching it, and anybody who wants can...
1282%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1283%Bart: Oy! This guy's tough.
1283%Lisa: Bart, we're going to have to outsmart him.
1283%Bart: I dunno, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise.
1283%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1284%Rabbi K: [answers phone] What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel-prize-winning
1284% Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me?
1284% Ha ha! It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there!
1284%Krusty: [on the phone] The French government wants to give <me>
1284% the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious
1284% award? [writes] Izzy's Deli. One o'clock. [puts pencil
1284% down] Thank you, Monsieur President!
1284%Bart: [holding his nose] Au revoir!
1284%-- Heeding the call, or, Many are called... ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1285%Waitress: And for you, sir?
1285%Rabbi K: Ah, let's see. I want a nice sandwich. But the Joey Bishop,
1285% eh, too fatty. the Jackie Mason? I dunno, sauerkraut makes me
1285% gas. Bruce Willis? I don't even like his work! What is this?
1285% Krusty the Klown?
1285%Waitress: That's ham, sausage, and bacon, with a smidge of mayo.
1285%Rabbi K: What!?
1285%Waitress: On white bread.
1285%-- Izzy's Deli, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1286%Krusty: [humming the Marseillaise] Um, could you direct me to
1286% President Francois Mitterand's table?
1286%Waitress: You think you're funny?
1286%Krusty: Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong!
1286%-- You wanna bet? ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1287%Lisa: Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing
1287% rabbis prize above everything else?
1287%Bart: Those stupid hats?
1287%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1288%We're going to hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.
1288%-- Lisa Simpson on Rabbi Krustofsky, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1289%Agugugug. Glug glug glug. `Oh, Noah, Noah! Save us! Save us!' `No!'
1289%-- Bart plays with a biblical pop-up book, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1290%Bart: At all times, let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid
1290% as a cedar.
1290%Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation]
1290%Rabbi K: But, my short learned friend, the book of Joshua says, ``You
1290% shall medidate on the torah all day and all night.''
1290%Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation]
1290%Man: All night?
1290%-- Dueling scriptures, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1291%Lisa: [tired] Here you go, Bart. It's a longshot, but that's all
1291% I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
1291%Bart: [stares at her]
1291%Lisa: Bart! I am <not> going to learn ancient Hebrew!!
1291%-- But you already know pig Latin, how much different can it be?
1291% ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1292%Moe: [moved to tears] I got something in my eye...
1292%Barney: Here, take my hankie.
1292%Moe: [sees Barney's filthy handkerchief] Agh!
1292%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Like Father, Like Clown''
1293%Lisa: [on the phone]
1293% Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
1293%Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
1293%Lisa: I called her; she's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty,
1293% Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught
1293% the snake in our basement.
1293%Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
1293%-- My one and only, ``Lisa's Pony''
1294%Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out
1294%that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show
1294%after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in
1294%the first five rows: You <will> get wet.
1294%-- Principal Skinner opens the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony''
1295%Homer: [sees sign: Open 10 - 7, checks his watch. It's 6:55]
1295% Whew! Just in the nick of
1295% [spots Moe's Tavern next door]
1295% Mmmmmm. Beeeeer.
1295%-- Your attention, please, ``Lisa's Pony''
1296%Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store
1296% closes.
1296%Moe: Well, why don't you go there first?
1296%Homer: Hey! Do I tell you how to do <your> job?
1296%Moe: Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer]
1296%Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top.
1296%Moe: Sorry, Homer.
1296%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1297%Jerry: What's the matter, buddy?
1297%Homer: The moron next door closed early!
1297%Jerry: I happen to be that moron.
1297%Homer: Oh... Me and my trenchant mouth!
1297%-- For whom the bold tells, ``Lisa's Pony''
1298%Pr. Skinner: [watchs Milhouse's pathetic act]
1298% Oh terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse
1298% every year. [comes out on stage]
1298% Wonderful! You know, I think this is the best pageant we've
1298% ever had. I really do!
1298%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1299%Homer: Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl
1299% you're disappointing. [looks through his wallet]
1299% Well, I don't have one.
1299%-- Use your imagination, ``Lisa's Pony''
1300%Moe: Come on, Jer, open up, be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your
1300% wife out of that burning car?
1300%Jerry: Well, okay, okay. But now we're even.
1300%-- Begging Jerry to open his music shop, ``Lisa's Pony''
1301%Jerry: What instrument does she play?
1301%Homer: ... [whining] I don't know...
1301%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony''
1302%Lisa: Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible!
1302%Marge: Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is...
1302% [imagines Homer fixing a flat tire] Maybe.
1302% [imagines Homer chased up a tree by a bear] No.
1302% [imagines Homer abducted by aliens] That's a long shot.
1302% [imagines Homer at Moe's Tavern] Bingo.
1302%-- Whatever remains, however improbable... ``Lisa's Pony''
1303%Jerry: Clarinet?
1303%Homer: No.
1303%Jerry: Oboe?
1303%Homer: No.
1303%Jerry: Saxophone?
1303%Homer: No. Wait a minute, what was that last one again?
1303%Jerry: Saxophone!
1303%Homer: [recalls] Lisa, stop playing that stupid... saxophone! Yes, that's it!
1303%Jerry: Alto or tenor?
1303%Homer: D'oh!
1303%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony''
1304%[singing] My ding-a-ling. My ding-a-ling.
1304%I want you to play with my ding-a-ling...
1304%-- Student's entry in the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony''
1305%Let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of Stormy Leather, uh, Weather.
1305%-- Principal Skinner's reduction, er, introduction, ``Lisa's Pony''
1306%Homer: Look, I let you down, and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it
1306% right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
1306%Lisa: [not convincingly] I forgive you.
1306%Homer: D'oh! You didn't mean that!
1306%Lisa: No, I didn't.
1306%-- Some things are not lost on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
1307%Lisa: [as a baby, taking her first steps]
1307%Marge: [o.s.] Look, Homer! Lisa's taking her first steps!
1307%Homer: [engrossed in watching TV] You taping it?
1307%Marge: Yes.
1307%Homer: I'll watch it later.
1307%-- Let's go to the videotape, ``Lisa's Pony''
1308%Tattoo: De plane! De plane!
1308%Mr. R: No, my freakish little friend. That's a seagull.
1308%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony''
1309%Lisa: [as a baby, in her high chair] Dada? Dada?
1309%Marge: [o.s.] Did you hear that, Homer?
1309% [pan over to Homer strangling Bart]
1309%Homer: Marge, please, I'm busy!
1309%-- Lisa's first words, ``Lisa's Pony''
1310%Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start
1310%with Maggie.
1310%-- Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
1311%Marge: Homey, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep
1311% spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you.
1311%Homer: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm going to,
1311% you know, go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that
1311% quick fix idea.
1311%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1312%Homer: I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for.
1312%Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
1312%Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford <not>
1312% to buy a pony.
1312%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1313%Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.
1313%Homer: Mm.
1313%Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
1313%Homer: Buh!
1313%Marge: Those aren't even words!
1313%Homer: Snuh!
1313%Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light]
1313%Homer: [huge grin]
1313%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1314%Oh my! What is that smell! [sees Homer] Oh, it's you.
1314%-- Pet shop owner, ``Lisa's Pony''
1315%Homer: Excuse me, do you sell ponies?
1315%Owner: Uh, sure, pal. Right here. [points at a cage]
1315%Homer: [reads the sign] Scottish deer hound. [$259] Hey! This is a dog!
1315%Owner: Oh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for!
1315%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1316%Homer: Now lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl, and I don't care what
1316% it costs.
1316%Lady: Very good. That stunning creature over there is half
1316% a million dollars.
1316%Homer: Half a million dollars!?
1316%Lady: He was sired by Seattle Slew, and his mother won the Kentucky Derby.
1316%Homer: Wow.
1316%Lady: His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania.
1316%-- Shopping around for ``Lisa's Pony''
1317%Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from
1317%home?
1317%-- Homer shops for ``Lisa's Pony''
1318%Burns: [appears behind the employee credit union desk] Hello.
1318%Homer: Ack!
1318%Burns: [reads the loan application] Simpson, eh?
1318%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony''
1319%Burns: Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
1319%Homer: [slowly] Usury?
1319%Burns: Oh, silly me! I must've just made up a word that doesn't exist.
1319%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1320%Smithers: You have any collateral?
1320%Burns: Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral.
1320%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1321%Burns: Just sign this form, and the money will be yours. Muhahahahaha....
1321% Ahem. Sorry, I was just um, eh, um, thinking of something funny
1321% Smithers did today.
1321%Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today.
1321%Burns: [hand over mouth] Shut! up!
1321%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1322%Lady: Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony?
1322%Homer: [shoving the pony into the back seat] Of course!
1322%-- Buying ``Lisa's Pony''
1323%Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
1323%Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
1323%Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
1323%Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
1323%-- The squeaky wheel gets the squat, ``Lisa's Pony''
1324%Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse?
1324%Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the
1324% neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars
1324% in our garage.
1324%Lisa: Dad, no!
1324%Marge: That's illegal!
1324%Homer: That's for the courts to decide!
1324%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1325%This is what love costs a month?
1325%-- Homer sees the $530/month bill for stable fees to house ``Lisa's Pony''
1326%Lady: I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge,
1326% pronunciation.
1326%Lisa: [atop Princess, in riding gear]
1326% Fahther, you've made me the happiest gahl who ever lived!
1326%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1327%Grampa: [fumbling with the joystick] What do I do?
1327%Bart: Grampa, you want to go to the right?
1327%Grampa: Yes?
1327%Bart: Move the joystick to the left.
1327%Grampa: Yes, move the... What's a joystick! You didn't tell me...
1327%Bart: Ooh, ahh, ooh, ooh, here comes a
1327% Xylon Cruiser! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
1327%Grampa: A Xylon Cruiser!?
1327%Bart: Go into hyperspace! Ready? Hit it!
1327%Grampa: Wha? WHERE'S THE HYPERSPACE!
1327%Bart: Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the...
1327%Grampa: I'm the what!? I thought I was <this>
1327% guy. [the ship explodes] Ohhhhh!
1327%Bart: Game's over, Grampa.
1327%Grampa: I got down on the floor for this!?
1327%-- Playing video games, ``Lisa's Pony''
1328%Lisa: Wait Dad, I've got something for you. [kisses him]
1328%Homer: Oh, I was hoping it'd be money.
1328%-- How to pay for ``Lisa's Pony''
1329%Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
1329%Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases
1329% she doesn't even have!
1329%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1330%First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back!
1330%Make up your mind!
1330%-- Homer argues with Marge over ``Lisa's Pony''
1331%Homer: There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work
1331% for it! Do you have any jewelry you don't need any more?
1331%Marge: Mmmmmmm.....
1331%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony''
1332%Homer: Oh, I need money.
1332%Apu: Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my
1332% ribs, or better yet, you could inquire about my help-wanted sign.
1332%Homer: You're looking for help?
1332%Apu: Yes, we need someone for the demanding yet high-profile midnight to
1332% 8am shift.
1332%Homer: I'm your man!
1332%Apu: You're hired. Oh, how I dreamed the day would come when one of <you>
1332% would be working for <me>.
1332%-- Must've been the jam, ``Lisa's Pony''
1333%Chuck: She certainly tamed that horse.
1333%Student 2: Yes, but what man can tame her?
1333%-- Watching Lisa and ``Lisa's Pony''
1334%Apu: I won't lie to you. On this job, you <will> be shot at.
1334% [reveals his chest] Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor.
1334%Homer: [taking notes] Badge of honor.
1334%Apu: Here's a pointer. Try to take it in the shoulder.
1334%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
1335%Apu: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are
1335% strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and
1335% buys them.
1335%Homer: But I eat... Oh.
1335%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
1336%Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room?
1336% I did something last night that I'm not proud of, and I don't want
1336% the kids to hear it.
1336%Bart: Busted!
1336%Homer: [in the other room, explaining] I'll work from midnight to eight,
1336% come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more
1336% minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love,
1336% then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy.
1336%Bart: [at the breakfast table, hears a thud] Oh my God, she killed him!
1336% [rushes into the living room; Homer has passed out, asleep]
1336%-- Death of a Kwik-E-Mart Salesman, ``Lisa's Pony''
1337%Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates
1337%on the dairy products!
1337%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony''
1338%Marge: Homer, how long do you plan to do this?
1338%Homer: I don't know. How long do horses live?
1338%Marge: Thirty years.
1338%Homer: D'oh!
1338%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1339%Johnny Carson: I just heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating
1339% a McNugget.
1339%Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho!
1339%Bart: Well, it's still fun to be up late.
1339%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony''
1340%All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in
1340%my face.
1340%-- Lisa has to decide the fate of ``Lisa's Pony''
1341%Oh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave.
1341%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony''
1342%Lisa: I gave up the pony.
1342%Homer: You did?
1342%Lisa: Mm hm. There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
1342%Homer: Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus?
1342%-- ``Lisa's Pony''
1343%Apu, you can take this job and restaff it!
1343%-- Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony''
1344%He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the
1344%best damned employee a convenience store ever had.
1344%-- Apu on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony''
1345%I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as ``Buck
1345%Henderson, Union Buster'' and ``Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory''.
1345%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1346%Troy: I'm here to tell you about `Spiffy!', the twenty-first-century
1346% stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
1346%Nick: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody!
1346%All: Hi, Dr. Nick!
1346%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1347%Nick: Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul
1347% Edgar Allen Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
1347%Troy: One of our best writers.
1347%Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone
1347% into a depressing eyesore.
1347%Troy: So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
1347%Nick: Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the
1347% body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy, removes all the grime]
1347%All: Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!
1347% [The name `POE' twinkles (add visual and sound effects).]
1347%Troy: Quoth the raven, ``What a shine!''
1347%Homer: [watching the show] Ooooh! That's one clean tombstone!
1347%-- For all your tombstone-cleaning needs,
1347% I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1348%Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones,
1348% for only $39.95!
1348%All: Booo! [a chair is heaved on stage]
1348%Troy: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
1348%Homer: [watching the show] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
1348%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1349%Bart: Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw.
1349%Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head!
1349%Bart: Oh. Check.
1349%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1350%Okay, I'll throw in a <fourth> bottle, the applicator glove, and a
1350%state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95! [crowd goes wild]
1350%-- Dr. Nick Riviera hawks `Spiffy' on I Can't Believe They Invented It!
1350% ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1351%Homer: Patty! Selma! What a pleasant surprise!
1351%Patty: [grunt] Whaddya know, he's wearing pants.
1351%Selma: I owe you a lunch.
1351%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1352%Expiration date? June nineteen eighty ni--uh.... 2012, yeah...
1352%-- Homer orders junk off the TV again, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1353%Marge: Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone.
1353%Homer: [sugary-sweet] Oh, sure, great idea. I've love to.
1353% [sees Lisa] D'oh!! Did you hear that?
1353%Lisa: Yes.
1353%Homer: How much?
1353%Lisa: Everything.
1353%Homer: What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?
1353%Lisa: Uh.... Take us to the video store?
1353%Homer: Anything for my little girl.
1353%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1354%[Bart wields an acetylene torch, his safety goggles neatly perched atop his
1354% head (not over his eyes).]
1354%Homer: Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. (Stupid kid.)
1354%-- Safety last, ``Saturdays eachy .. egg-headed ..
1354% institute guy! How much do you see <your> son?
1354%Dave: Why don't you ask him yourself? Homer, meet Dave, Jr.
1354%Homer: [stunned] Huh?
1354%Dave: How's your research, coming, son?
1354%Dave, Jr: I think we're near a breakthrough.
1354%Dave: Good work.
1354%Dave, Jr: [leaving] Thanks, Dad.
1354%Homer: Oh, how I envy you.
1354%Dave: Homer, that easy back-and-forth you just witnessed didn't happen
1354% overnight. It took years of effort.
1354%-- The National Fatherhood Institute, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1355%Homer: Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer.
1355%Bart: Thanks, but I'm almost done. Why don't you go back on the couch
1355% and watch TV.
1355%Homer: Okay. [catches himself] Urgh. No!
1355%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1356%Homer: [reading] Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity:
1356% No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the
1356% opposite. Huh?
1356% [inner voice] Don't you get it!? You gotta use reverse psychology!
1356% [out loud] Well, that sounds too complicated.
1356% [inner voice] Okay, <don't> use reverse psychology.
1356% [out loud] All right, I will!
1356%-- His own worst enemy, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1357%Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved The Simpsons!
1357%-- Homer thanks the author of `Fatherhood', ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1358%Judge: Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area.
1358%Nelson: Fine! [extinguishes his cigarette on his tongue]
1358%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1359%Nelson: Hey, [Bart] Simpson, where's your loser-mobile?
1359%Homer: Loser-mobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute!
1359%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder''
1360%house, yet Ned was seen through the kitchen window. (i.e. Ned would have to
1360%be in the Simpson's back yard rather than his own yard.)
1361%Wow! Info-tainment!
1361%-- Homer watches `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1362%Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard
1362%Fire. Twenty-five years, and still burning strong!
1362%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1363%Kent: We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.
1363% [caption reads, ``Opposites attract?'']
1363%Homer: He's not so fat.
1363%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1364%Kent: And we visit with heavyweight champion Dreaderick Tatum, who
1364% reminisces about growing up in Springfield.
1364%Tatum: That town is a dump. If you ever see me back there,
1364% you'll know I really [bleep]ed up bad.
1364%-- A candid interview, ``Flaming Moe's''
1365%But first! Part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini!
1365%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1366%Whoa! T and A!
1366%-- Bart catches a glimpse of `Eye on Springfield's story on bikinis,
1366% ``Flaming Moe's''
1367%Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what
1367% your husband's job will be.
1367%Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.
1367%Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be
1367% an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!
1367%Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.
1367%Lisa: The wax never lies...
1367%-- Lisa's slumber party, ``Flaming Moe's''
1368%Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets... to brush!
1368%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's''
1369%Homer: What is it, boy?
1369%Bart: Mmph. Mmph. Mmph.
1369%Homer: Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
1369%Bart: [takes a pad and writes, `Say my name'.]
1369%Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
1369%Bart: Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
1369%Homer: [punches Bart in the arm]
1369%Bart: Ow! What was that for!?
1369%Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm!
1369% Sorry, it's the law! Heh heh.
1369%-- A kid at heart, ``Flaming Moe's''
1370%Homer: What's the matter, Moe?
1370%Moe: Oh, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less.
1370% You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one
1370% would even use the cigarette machine.
1370%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1371%Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a
1371%purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself.
1371%-- Moe, ``Flaming Moe's''
1372%Gin and... tonic? [in disbelief] Do they mix?
1372%-- Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, ``Flaming Moe's''
1373%Selma: [showing slides] And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor
1373% into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets.
1373% [next slide, of a hairy-legged Patty] As you can see, we never
1373% did get the hang of it.
1373%Bart: Aye, carumba!
1373%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1374%I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
1374%In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup.
1374%[mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down]
1374%[waves his hand in front of his face]
1374%It passed the first test: I didn't go blind.
1374%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''
1375%I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD.
1375%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's''
1376%Wow, Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everybody's invited!
1376%-- Moe tastes a Flaming Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''
1377%Hey, this drink is delicious. And my phlegm feels looser!
1377%-- Snake oil not included, ``Flaming Moe's''
1378%Barney: [discovers the salad bar] Hey, what's this?
1378%Moe: A sneeze guard.
1378%Barney: [sneezes, spewing snot all over the sneeze guard] Wow, it really works!
1378%-- An ounce of prevention, ``Flaming Moe's''
1379%Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down
1379%on you for accepting food stamps.
1379%-- Homer, ``Flaming Moe's''
1380%The Flaming Moe is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood
1380%and sweat are in this drink?
1380%[everybody in the bar spits out their drink]
1380%Uh, figure of speech.
1380%-- Moe refuses to sell out, ``Flaming Moe's''
1381%Martin: So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank
1381% Mr. A. J. P. Martin.
1381%Ms. K: [applauding] Oh, brilliant, Martin, brilliant! Once again, you've
1381% wrecked the grading curve. Oh, I pity the poor student who has
1381% to follow you. [consults her sheet] Bart Simpson, you're next.
1381%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''
1382%The Inventor I Admire, by Bart Simpson.
1382%The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man or even a smart
1382%man. He's my father, Homer Simpson.
1382%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1383%Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate...
1383% [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor]
1383%Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles?
1383%Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody.
1383%Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge! You can have what's left at the
1383% end of the day.
1383%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's''
1384%Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day!
1384%Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day.
1384%Quimby: It can be two things!
1384%-- Serving one's country, ``Flaming Moe's''
1385%Moe: How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Aerosmith!
1385%Aerosmith: Nah, I don't think so Moe, we're just hanging out, etc.
1385%Moe: C'mon guys, free pickled eggs!
1385%Aerosmith: Awright! Yeah! [head onstage]
1385%-- The price of fame? ``Flaming Moe's''
1386%Ms.K: [heavy make-up, in a tube top] Hiya, scrumptious.
1386% Do you want to ignite my drink?
1386%Homer: You're my kid's teacher!
1386%Ms.K: Single parent, are we?
1386%Homer: No!
1386%Ms.K: [lasciviously] Well, let's pretend you are...
1386%-- Ms. Krabappel lets it all hang out at... ``Flaming Moe's''
1387%If there was any justice, <my> face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
1387%-- Homer gripes about Moe's phenomenal success, ``Flaming Moe's''
1388%Moe: [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's.
1388%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name
1388% Hugh.
1388%Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calling] Hugh Jass! Somebody check the
1388% men's room for a Hugh Jass!
1388%Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
1388%Moe: Telephone. [hands over the receiver]
1388%Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
1388%Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi.
1388%Hugh: Who's this?
1388%Bart: Bart Simpson.
1388%Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
1388%Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that
1388% sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
1388%Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man.
1388%-- Nobody's perfect, ``Flaming Moe's''
1389%When the weight of the world has got you down
1389% and you want to end your life.
1389%Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
1389% and problems with the wife.
1389%But don't throw in the tow'l,
1389% 'cuz there's a place right down the block...
1389%Where you can drink your misery away...
1389%At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
1389%When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
1389% can warm you like a hug. (Flaming Moe's...)
1389%And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
1389%Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
1389%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''
1390%Barney: [comes into Flaming Moe's]
1390%All: Barney!
1390%Bartender: How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumbel?
1390%Barney: [belch]
1390%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's''
1391%Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the
1391%secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing!
1391%-- Prof. John Fink's attempt to discover the recipe for a Flaming Moe,
1391% ``Flaming Moe's''
1392%Kent: Next on `Eye on Springfield',
1392% a toast to Moe! the Wizard of Walnut Street.
1392%Moe: The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the
1392% czar.
1392%-- Continuing the tradition of rewriting history, ``Flaming Moe's''
1393%Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
1393%Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
1393%Homer: [whines] Oh!
1393%Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78.
1393% How about that! I looked something up!
1393% These books behind me don't just make the office look good,
1393% they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
1393%-- The Great Hutzby, ``Flaming Moe's''
1394%Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed...
1394%Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can get some consolation in the fact that
1394% something you created is making so many people happy.
1394%Homer: [sickly sweet] Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy!
1394% I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on
1394% Lollipop Lane! [leaves the room, slamming the door]
1394% [pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.
1394% [closes the door]
1394%Marge: Well, DUH!
1394%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1395%Now <that's> what I call a Happy Hour.
1395%-- Moe in bed with the waitress, ``Flaming Moe's''
1396%Woman: Morris, something troubles me.
1396%Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes.
1396%-- Moe and the waitress in bed, ``Flaming Moe's''
1397%Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe...
1397%Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today?
1397%Bart: Okay, but you promised me mo' money.
1397%Marge: I mo, I mo.
1397%Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe...
1397%Lisa: When Bart's done, can we mo to the moe-vies? There's a moe-tinee.
1397%Marge: Of course! All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe.
1397%Bart: Moe moe moe moe moe?
1397%Marge: Moe moe moe.
1397%Lisa: Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe.
1397%Bart: Moe-moe-moe moe.
1397%Maggie: [removes her pacifier] Moe.
1397%-- Moe Better Blues (or... Persistence of Moe-mory), ``Flaming Moe's''
1398%Joey: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.
1398%Ms.K: [lasciviously playing with the drumsticks] Come and get 'em...
1398%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1399%Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?
1399%Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she
1399% was better off here.
1399%-- ``Flaming Moe's''
1400%Broker: Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time
1400% in ten years.
1400%Homer: I own stock?
1400%Broker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain
1400% Constitutional rights.
1400%-- A fair exchange, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1401%For your information, I just made a cool $25 playing the market.
1401%Buy low, sell high, that's my motto.
1401%I may just quit my job at the power plant and become a full-time
1401%stock... market guy.
1401%-- Homer makes a killing on the stock market, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1402%Homer: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you?
1402%Man 1: Ach, nein. We are from Chermany. He is from ze East.
1402% I am from ze Vest.
1402%Man 2: I hat a big company, and he hat a big company, and now we
1402% have a very big company.
1402%Man 1: We are interested in buying the power plant.
1402% Do you think the owner will ever sell it?
1402%Homer: Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than
1402% $100 million!
1402%Man 2: 100 million?
1402%Man 1: [opens a briefcase of cash, counts] Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fuenf...
1402% Oh, don't vorry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns.
1402%-- Buy one, get one free, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1403%We'll have a savings account! We've never had one.
1403%-- Marge decides what to do with a stock market windfall,
1403% ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1404%Man 1: [hands Burns an offer of $100,000,000]
1404%Burns: Woo hoo! [dances about a bit] Ahem. I grudgingly accept.
1404%-- Driving a hard bargain, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1405%Len: Those lousy Germans can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to
1405% unjam the rod bottom dissociator.
1405%Karl: Well, they can't fire me. I'm the only one certified to run the
1405% gaseous contaminant particular [sic] fire.
1405%Homer: Well, they can't fire me!
1405%Len and Karl: Why?
1405%Homer: Because... [long silence]
1405%-- Reason enough, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1406%Horst: Guten Morgen. I am Horst. The new owners have elected me to speak
1406% with you because I am the most non-threatening. Perhaps I remind you
1406% of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes.
1406%All: Oh yeah, yeah he does.
1406%-- Familiarity breeds familiarity, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1407%Horst: Do we have any alcoholics among us?
1407% [hands slowly go up]
1407%Man 1: Uh, me?
1407%Man 2: Right here.
1407%Man 3: I'm drunk right now!
1407%-- Getting to know you, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1408%Horst: You will be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility
1408% in Hawaii, after which you will return at full pay.
1408%Len: Oh, great! [general agreement from other employees]
1408%Man 1: Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor!
1408%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1409%Horst: We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector.
1409%Homer: Hee hee. Yeah. Sock it to him, Horst!
1409%Len: Psst, Homer. Aren't <you> the safety inspector?
1409%Homer: [sees his nametag, ``SAFETY INSPECTOR''] D'oh!
1409%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1410%``You look sharp today, sir.''
1410%``You looken sharpen todayen, mein Herr.''
1410%-- Smithers studies Sycophantic German, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1411%Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany?
1411%Lisa: Well, it's a country in Europe.
1411%Homer: Good, good, I'm learning.
1411%-- Teaching an old dog, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1412%Marge, it's not the money. My job is my identity.
1412%If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing!
1412%-- Homer fears the loss of his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1413%Hey you, stop being... so unsafe! Smitty! Safen up!
1413%-- Homer tries to look busy, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1414%Horst: Homer, could ve have a word with you?
1414%Homer: No.
1414%Horst: I must have phrased that badly.
1414% My English is, how you say, inelegant.
1414% I meant to say, may we have a brief friendly chat.
1414%Homer: No.
1414%Horst: Once again, I have failed. [consults phrasebook]
1414% We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange
1414% of ideas.
1414%Homer: [runs away in panic]
1414%-- Homer fears for his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1415%Man 1: You have been safety inspector for two years.
1415% What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time?
1415%Homer: Uh... All of them?
1415%Man 1: I see. ... Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well?
1415%Homer: I sure do!
1415%Man 1: [waits for a follow-up, which doesn't come]
1415%-- Homer tries to justify his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1416%Karl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.
1416%Len: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but aah, that's why pencils have
1416% erasers!
1416%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1417%Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret
1417%to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order:
1417% Simpson, Homer.
1417%That is all.
1417%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1418%Lisa: I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap
1418% slivers together! [holds up a multi-colored ball of soap slivers]
1418%Marge: That's very clever.
1418%Bart: And today, instead of buying comic books, I just read 'em and
1418% left 'em in the store.
1418%Marge: Mmm... You shouldn't do that.
1418%Lisa: My jumprope broke, but I just tied it back together.
1418%Marge: That's good, Lisa.
1418%Bart: I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow.
1418%Marge: I want you to take baths, Bart.
1418%-- The family try to scrape by, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1419%That's right. Gather the nectar, my little drones. And make the honey.
1419%Honey for your children...
1419%Fools! [laughs evilly]
1419%-- Burns watches his bee colony, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1420%Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
1420%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea.
1420%Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check.
1420% [calls] Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem!
1420% Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
1420%Barney: You sure do! [bar denizens laugh]
1420%Moe: Oh... [to phone] It's you, isn't it!
1420%Bart: [laughs]
1420%Moe: Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head
1420% for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
1420%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1421%Burns: Smithers, who is this saucy fellow?
1421%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Sector sieben-Grueber, I mean, sector 7-G.
1421%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1422%What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
1422%-- Burns learns the moral of the story, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1423%Burns: [begging] Please sell me my plant back. I'll pay anything.
1423%Horst: Isn't this a happy coincidence! You are desperate to buy, and we
1423% are desperate to sell.
1423%Burns: [calculatingly] Desperate, eh? ... Advantage: Burns!
1423%-- Reversal of fortune, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1424%Horst: [threatingly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine.
1424%Burns: [recoils in mock horror]
1424% Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!
1424% [hiding behind Smithers] Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
1424%Horst: Stop it!
1424%Man 2: Stop, sir.
1424%Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me.
1424% Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
1424%Man 2: Please stop to pretending you are scared, here.
1424%Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
1424%Burns: [brief pause, then resumes]
1424% No! They're so big and strong!
1424%Man 2: Stop it.
1424%Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
1424%Man 2: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
1424%Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans...
1424%Horst: Burns, STOP IT!
1424%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk''
1425%Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone
1425% with a better-known brand?
1425%Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe!
1425%-- And smoke it, ``I Married Marge''
1426%Ahoy, Maties!
1426%If the water turns blue, a baby for you!
1426%If purple ye see, no baby thar be!
1426%If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail!
1426%-- Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test, ``I Married Marge''
1427%Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?
1427%Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with
1427% the other kids.
1427%Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating
1427% I always did.
1427%-- ``I Married Marge''
1428%Bart: Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor?
1428%Lisa: Is anything wrong?
1428%Homer: No, everything's fine. Your mother uh just... broke her leg.
1428%Lisa: What!?
1428%Bart: I smell a bun in the oven...
1428%Lisa: Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad?
1428%Homer: [fierce internal struggle manifests itself in wiggling fingers]
1428% Maybe.
1428%Bart+Lisa: Whoa, awright! Way to go! [exchange high fives]
1428%Bart: You're a machine, Homer!
1428%-- ``I Married Marge''
1429%Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house.
1429%Bart: Oh, cool! We can race 'em!
1429%-- Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
1430%Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games.
1430% For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings.
1430%Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff?
1430%Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it.
1430%-- The duties of fatherhood, ``I Married Marge''
1431%It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80's.
1431%Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of
1431%Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young...
1431%-- Homer tells a story, ``I Married Marge''
1432%Boss: Keep this up, and someday <you> will be the guy who hands out
1432% the putters!
1432%Homer: Yes, sir!
1432%-- A young Homer works at the Merrie Olde Fun Centre, ``I Married Marge''
1433%Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad.
1433% We watch an appalling amount of TV.
1433%Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.
1433%-- ``I Married Marge''
1434%Marge: I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating.
1434%Homer: But it gives me time to think.
1434%Marge: Oh. What do you think about?
1434%Homer: Oh, girls. I mean, boys. I, I mean, you.
1434%-- Planning for the future, ``I Married Marge''
1435%Homer: Wow, what an ending! Who would have thought Darth Vader was
1435% Luke Skywalker's father!
1435%Crowd: [waiting in line to see the movie] Oh, thank you, Mister
1435% Blow-the-picture-for-me. [etc]
1435%-- The infamous Ctrl-L, ``I Married Marge''
1436%Marge: [listening to `You Light Up My Life' on the radio] Our song.
1436%Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy.
1436%Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God.
1436%Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy. No, wait, He's always mad...
1436%-- ``I Married Marge''
1437%Homer: Someday, I'll buy you a <real> castle.
1437%Marge: You don't have to do that.
1437%Homer: Phew. Good.
1437%-- ``I Married Marge''
1438%Marge: Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy.
1438%Homer: Really? It <must> be the champale talking.
1438%-- ``I Married Marge''
1439%Dr.H: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier,
1439% I think we've found the reason why you've been
1439% throwing up in the morning.
1439% Congratulations.
1439%Homer: D'oh!
1439%-- The price of passion, ``I Married Marge''
1440%Dr.H: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. [hands over a pamphlet]
1440%Marge: [reads] So you've ruined your life.
1440%-- Marge learns she's pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
1441%Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl!
1441%Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do?
1441%Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any better.
1441% Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and
1441% all you gotta do is whack her with the oar!
1441%-- Marge becomes pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
1442%Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if
1442%you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal.
1442%-- Homer tries to work up the nerve to propose to Marge, ``I Married Marge''
1443%Lisa: Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel?
1443%Bart: Bzzzzt. I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Cool Mo-Dee Simpson.
1443%Lisa: Ariel!
1443%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee!
1443%Lisa: Ariel!
1443%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee!
1443%Lisa: Ariel!
1443%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee!
1443%-- The kids learn that Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge''
1444%Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think
1444% of the name Larry?
1444%Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'.
1444%Marge: Well, how about Louie?
1444%Homer: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'.
1444%Marge: Bob?
1444%Homer: `Flob'. [?]
1444%Marge: Luke?
1444%Homer: `Puke'.
1444%Marge: Marcus?
1444%Homer: `Mucus'.
1444%Marge: What about Bart?
1444%Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem
1444% with that!
1444%-- Stopped in the nick of time, ``I Married Marge''
1445%Homer: [spots a nice ring] Wow. I'll take <that> ring.
====================== End of Part 8 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 9 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part9"
====================== Begin of Part 9 of 10 =========================
1445%Clerk: Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it?
1445%Homer: I don't know.
1445%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``I Married Marge''
1446%Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license.
1446%Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house.
1446%-- Clerk at `Shotgun Pete's' quickie marriage emporium, ``I Married Marge''
1447%Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and
1447% this casino to join... [points at Homer]
1447%Homer: Homer.
1447%Minister: ... and ... [points at Marge]
1447%Marge: Marge.
1447%Minister: ... in holy matrimony. Beautiful.
1447% [three minutes later]
1447% Do you, Marjorie Bouvier take Homer J. Simpson to be your
1447% lawful wedded husband?
1447%Marge: I do.
1447%Minister: Homer, same question, names reversed.
1447%Homer: I do.
1447%Minister: Then, by the power vested in my by the state gaming commission,
1447% I pronounce you man and wife. Here's ten dollars worth of chips.
1447% You may kiss the bride.
1447%-- How ``I Married Marge''
1448%Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant?
1448% I hear they pay pretty well.
1448%Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile.
1448%Homer: Pfft. Now you tell me.
1448%-- ``I Married Marge''
1449%Smithers: What would each of you say is your worst quality?
1449%Man 1: Well, I <am> a workaholic.
1449%Man 2: I push myself too hard.
1449%Homer: Well, it takes me a long time to learn anything,
1449% I'm kind of a goof-off...
1449%Smithers: Okay, that'll do.
1449%Homer: ... a little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace...
1449%Smithers: That's enough!
1449%-- Job interview, ``I Married Marge''
1450%Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
1450%Homer: There's a problem with the reactor!? We're all going to die!
1450% Aaaaaaaugh! [runs out in panic]
1450%-- Homer's job interview, ``I Married Marge''
1451%Homer: [to his unborn son] Kid, I won't let you down.
1451% I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first
1451% thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job.
1451%Patty: Yeah, a doctor!
1451%-- ``I Married Marge''
1452%Homer: Good evening, Madam. You have been selected by the good people of
1452% Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife edge.
1452% Here, shake hands with the Slash-Co! [hands her the knife]
1452%Woman: [grabs the wrong end] Aaaaaagh!
1452%Homer: [to himself] Handle first, handle first...
1452%-- Homer's job experience, ``I Married Marge''
1453%First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid
1453%schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid!
1453%-- Shady seminar speaker at `Million$ for Nothing', ``I Married Marge''
1454%Fourth notice. Ninety days overdue. We break thumbs.
1454%-- Marge reads the mail from bill collectors, ``I Married Marge''
1455%Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job.
1455%-- Man from the Repo Depot, ``I Married Marge''
1456%Lisa: [crying] That is so sad.
1456%Homer: Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out.
1456% After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the
1456% responsible head of a household.
1456%Bart: [poking his head into the room]
1456% Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch?
1456%Homer: Okay.
1456%-- Homer tells Lisa a story, ``I Married Marge''
1457%Marge, I've got two-and-a-half words for you. Gulp. 'N'. Blow.
1457%-- Patty tells Marge where she can find Homer, ``I Married Marge''
1458%Homer: Yeah, whaddya want.
1458%Marge: My husband by my side.
1458%Homer: You want fries with that?
1458%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
1459%Look at me. I'm a trainee.
1459%They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce.
1459%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge''
1460%That's it... That's it... Come closer... [gobbles a power pellet]
1460%Muhahaha! Ironic isn't it. The hunter has become the hunted! Hahahaha!!
1460%-- Monty Burns plays Ms. Pac-Man, ``I Married Marge''
1461%Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee
1461%that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'M YOUR MAN! You can
1461%treat me like dirt, and I'll <still> kiss your butt and call it ice cream!
1461%And if you don't like it, I can change!!
1461%-- Homer demands a job from Monty Burns, ``I Married Marge''
1462%I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless.
1462%-- Monty Burns hires Homer, ``I Married Marge''
1463%Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet
1463%on his way out.
1463%-- Smithers voices his objections to the hiring of Homer Simpson,
1463% ``I Married Marge''
1464%Only in America could I get a job!
1464%-- Homer celebrates being hired to work at SNPP, ``I Married Marge''
1465%Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
1465%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
1465%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name...
1465%-- The beginning of a tradition, ``I Married Marge''
1466%Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!
1466%Dr. Hibbert: Good God!
1466%-- A professional opinion, ``I Married Marge''
1467%Homer: And tomorrow, I'm going to buy your ring back, then I'm going
1467% house-hunting.
1467%Marge: Doesn't your job start tomorrow?
1467%Homer: Eh, somebody'll cover for me.
1467%-- ``I Married Marge''
1468%Marge: [goes into labor] Oh!
1468%Homer: [rolls up his sleeves] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.
1468%Dr. H: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
1468%Homer: [confrontationally] Oh, a college boy, eh?
1468%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
1469%Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful?
1469%Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine
1469% by me.
1469%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge''
1470%Homer: You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift
1470% a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were
1470% blessed twice more. And not a day goes by that we don't thank God
1470% for all three of you.
1470%Marge: [comes home] Homer, I'm not pregnant!
1470%Homer: [gets up, the kids on his lap falling to the floor]
1470% Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge!
1470%Marge: Yes! [exchanges a high five with Homer]
1470%-- ``I Married Marge''
1471%Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present?
1471%Homer: [entranced by a TV show of pretty girls dancing provocatively]
1471% Mon-ney. [hands over a huge wad of bills]
1471%Lisa: [riffles through it] Dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars!
1471%Homer: Oh, sorry. [gives her the entire wallet]
1471%-- Ask, and you shall receive, ``Radio Bart''
1472%`Funky-See Funky-Do' will be right back to lip-sync another of their
1472%hits, right after this...
1472%-- Announcer on TV music dance show, ``Radio Bart''
1473%Announcer: ... But order now. Supply is limited.
1473%Homer: Gasp! Limited!?!? [frantically dials the phone]
1473% Do you have any of those microphones left?
1473%Clerk: [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes
1473% of microphones] Yeah, a couple...
1473%-- A couple thousand, perhaps... ``Radio Bart''
1474%Bart: [in the barber shop, getting a shave]
1474% Digital audio tape, my butt! When <I> was a kid, we had compact
1474% disks, and <I> don't recall no one complaining.
1474%Barber: Damn right.
1474%-- Bart's free shave, ``Radio Bart''
1475%Hey, good to see you.
1475%Glad you could make it.
1475%Toby, have you lost weight?
1475%-- Bart, the perfect host at his birthday party, ``Radio Bart''
1476%Oh, there's only one can of beer left, and it's Bart's.
1476%-- Homer finds a `Property of Bart Simpson' sticker on a can of Duff,
1476% ``Radio Bart''
1477%People of earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force.
1477%Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless.
1477%-- The first broadcast of ``Radio Bart''
1478%Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God!
1478%Rod: How did you get on the radio?
1478%Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe!
1478% Stupid kid.
1478%Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands]
1478%Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you.
1478%Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith. Walk through the
1478% wall! I will remove it for you.
1478%Rod: [walks into the wall] [thud]
1478%Bart: Ha ha ha.
1478%Todd+Rod: [return to their knees in prayer]
1478%Todd: What do you want from us?
1478%Bart: I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen
1478% and leave them on the Simpsons' porch.
1478%Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents.
1478%Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?
1478%Todd: [quickly] Happy God.
1478%Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies!
1478%Todd+Rod: Yes, sir!
1478%-- How to win friends and influence people, ``Radio Bart''
1479%The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not
1479%one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the
1479%boy.
1479%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Radio Bart''
1480%Although we can't reach the boy, we <can> freeze him with liquid
1480%nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him.
1480%-- Dr. John Fink's plan to rescue poor Timmy O'Toole, ``Radio Bart''
1481%Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from Your bounty...
1481%-- Marge's TV dinner prayer, ``Radio Bart''
1482%Homer: That Timmy is a real hero!
1482%Lisa: How do you mean, Dad?
1482%Homer: Well, he fell down a well, and... he can't get out.
1482%Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
1482%Homer: Well, that's more than you did!
1482%-- ``Radio Bart''
1483%Channel 6's own Krusty the Klown has gathered members of the entertainment
1483%community, who normally steer clear of fashionable causes...
1483%-- Kent Brockman's news report, ``Radio Bart''
1484%I called my good friend Sting. He said, ``Krusty, when do you need me?''
1484%I said, ``Thursday.'' He said, ``I'm busy Thursday.''
1484%I said, ``What about Friday?'' He said, ``Friday's worse than Thursday.''
1484%Then <he> said, ``How about Saturday?'' I said, ``Fine.'' True story!
1484%-- Krusty makes his music video, ``Radio Bart''
1485%Sting: There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well for that poor little boy,
1485% who's stuck halfway to Hell...
1485%Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...
1485%McBane: We go on TV and sing, sing, sing!
1485%All: And we're sending our love down the well...
1485%Krusty: All the way down!
1485%All: We're sending our love down the well...
1485%Krusty: Down that well!
1485%-- Krusty's music video, ``Radio Bart''
1486%Don't worry, son. Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you
1486%can't live a rich and full life.
1486%-- Homer's reassuring words, ``Radio Bart''
1487%Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it
1487%at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo.
1487%-- Chief Wiggum tells Marge it's all in the timing, ``Radio Bart''
1488%Kent: The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are
1488% squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
1488%Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
1488%Marge: Homer!
1488%Homer: Uh... Could you edit that last part out?
1488%Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
1488%Homer: D'oh!
1488%-- `Radio Bart''
1489%And our <new> number one hit, ``I Do Believe We're Naked'', by
1489%Funky-See Funky-Do, replaces ``We're Sending Our Love Down the Well'',
1489%which plunges all the way down to number 97.
1489%-- Casey Kasem's countdown, ``Radio Bart''
1490%Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot
1490%of heat. So, I am flip-flopping! I say, let him stay down there!
1490%-- Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby, bending ever so gently, ``Radio Bart''
1491%Marge: Bart honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're
1491% down in the well. [tosses it]
1491%Bart: Mom, it's too big.
1491%Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it.
1491%-- Bart is trapped in a well, ``Radio Bart''
1492%You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years.
1492%I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things
1492%I'll never get a chance to do. Smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID,
1492%shave a swear word in my hair... [sobs]
1492%-- Bart's remorse, ``Radio Bart''
1493%Marge: Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest.
1493%Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me.
1493%Marge: Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums.
1493%Homer: Shhhh. Marge, he's a good digger!
1493%-- Digging Bart out of a well, ``Radio Bart''
1494%And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52% of
1494%the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo!
1494%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts a football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
1495%Moe's Tavern, where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly.
1495%-- Moe answers the phone, ``Lisa the Greek''
1496%At the end of thirteen seconds of play,
1496%it's New England seven, Denver nothing.
1496%-- The football report, ``Lisa the Greek''
1497%Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll.
1497%[shows a neatly furnished shoebox]
1497%This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist
1497%newsletter...
1497%-- Lisa's latest triumph, ``Lisa the Greek''
1498%Lisa: Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do?
1498%Marge: Well, um, do you ever take an interest in anything <he> does?
1498%Lisa: No. ... Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.
1498%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1499%Well, if you want to get closer to him, then maybe <you> should bridge the
1499%gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in looking at power
1499%tools, going to those silly car-chase movies, and ... some things I'll tell
1499%you about when you're older.
1499%-- Marge's advice to Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
1500%Smooth Jimmy Apollo: [explaining his poor prediction]
1500% Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48%
1500% of the time.
1500%Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!
1500%-- Watching a TV football post-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
1501%TV: So call me now! $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute!
1501%Homer: [dials the number]
1501%Voice: You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot-...
1501%Homer: Line.
1501%Voice: Line.
1501%Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, Coach.
1501%Voice: In the game... of... Mi... am... i...
1501%Homer: Mm hm.
1501%Voice: Versus Cin...
1501%Homer: Cincinnati.
1501%Voice: cin...
1501%Homer: Cincinnati.
1501%Voice: nat...
1501%Homer: Cincinnati.
1501%Voice: i...
1501%Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!
1501%-- Dial 1-909-WIN-BIGG for football picks, ``Lisa the Greek''
1502%Mom, I'm tired. I want to go home. Can't I just lie down for a minute?
1502%-- Bart whines about being forced to shop for clothes, ``Lisa the Greek''
1503%Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom?
1503% Because the people who wear them get beaten up.
1503%Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
1503%-- More words of wisdom from Marge, ``Lisa the Greek''
1504%What could be more exciting that the savage ballet that is pro football?
1504%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
1505%Homer: You like ice cream, don't you?
1505%Lisa: Uh huh.
1505%Homer: And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge?
1505% And mounds of whipped cream? [getting carried away] And chopped nuts?
1505% And, ooh, those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up?
1505% Mmm... Crumbled-up cookie things...
1505%-- Homer's train of thought gets derailed yet again, ``Lisa the Greek''
1506%Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
1506% Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
1506%Lisa: Really? Where?
1506%Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back.
1506%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1507%Lisa: Can I watch football with you again next Sunday?
1507%Homer: Sure! You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.
1507%-- Sundays of thunder? ``Lisa the Greek''
1508%Football player: [being interviewed]
1508% This team is fired up. We came here to play!
1508%Homer: Aw right! [picks up the phone to place his bet]
1508%Lisa: [scoffing] He'll lose.
1508%Homer: What? Didn't you hear what he said?
1508%Lisa: Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice.
1508% [poetically] He's a little boy lost in a game of men.
1508%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1509%Homer: You think we should bet against them?
1509%Lisa: I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
1509%Homer: You got it. [to phone] Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York!
1509%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1510%Homer: [tossing Lisa in the air in celebration] Yaay!
1510%Lisa: Yaay!
1510%Homer: [continues tossing]
1510%Lisa: Whoa!
1510%Homer: [continues tossing]
1510%Lisa: Dad, I hate to break the mood, but I'm getting nauseous.
1510%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1511%Homer: Who do you like in the afternoon games?
1511%Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart,
1511% Seattle because they've got something to prove,
1511% and the Raiders because they always cheat.
1511% [later]
1511%Brent: And on an extreeeeeemely suspicious play, the Raiders win!
1511%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1512%[Under the banner ``The Library / The Hip Place To Be'' sits a lone reader]
1512%Lisa: Hey, the new sign's really working!
1512%Mrs. Norton: Oh, it's been a madhouse, Lisa!
1512%-- Give a hoot, ``Lisa the Greek''
1513%[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
1513%Let's see... Football... Football... `Homoeroticism in'...
1513%`Oddball Canadian rules'... `Phyllis George and'...
1513%-- Let your fingers do the walking, ``Lisa the Greek''
1514%Homer: Lisa, you picked the winner every time. You must have some
1514% kind of special gift!
1514%Lisa: Come on, Dad. It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's
1514% failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after
1514% scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game.
1514%Homer: Oh, my little girls says the cutest things.
1514%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1515%Gasp! Look at these prices! We could finally get rid of those termites
1515%for the cost of this meal!
1515%-- Marge reads the menu for The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
1516%Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter.
1516%Homer: Hello, I'm Homer, I'll be your customer.
1516% [Homer, Bart, and Lisa chuckle]
1516%Waiter: Never heard that one before...
1516%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
1517%Waiter: Would you care to select the wine?
1517%Bart: I'll do the honors. [takes the wine list, reads it]
1517% No, no, no, no! My God! What passes for a wine list these days?
1517% Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine, chop-chop.
1517%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
1518%Homer: Oh, violin guy! [strolling violinist approaches]
1518% [tucks some money in the violinist's pocket]
1518% [to Lisa] What's your favorite song?
1518%Lisa: The Broken Neck Blues.
1518%Homer: [to violinist] Play on.
1518%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek''
1519%Brent: It is the playoffs. It's five below, and there's one loyal fan
1519% wearing nothing but a G-string, and the team colors painted on
1519% his body!
1519% [camera shows the fan in question, shivering, teeth chattering]
1519%Johnny: He doesn't look too happy!
1519%Brent: Heh heh. Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores, and
1519% he's slowly suffocating. Still, <that> is a <real> fan.
1519%-- Football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
1520%Homer: Well, Lisa, it's daddy-daughter day, and Daddy needs daughter's picks.
1520%Lisa: Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special.
1520% And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus
1520% five at Chicago.
1521%Barney: Hey, Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday?
1521%Homer: Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl!
1521% How about the Sunday after that?
1521%Barney: Well, my Ma's coming in from Norway, but uh, what the hell. [belch]
1521%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1522%Ralph: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that
1522% was the happiest day of my life.
1522%Mrs. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
1522%-- Reading essays in front of the class, ``Lisa the Greek''
1523%The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my
1523%daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites,
1523%but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second
1523%to cover the spread.
1523%-- Lisa's essay, The Happiest Day of My Life, ``Lisa the Greek''
1524%Lisa: Oh, Dad! You must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there
1524% is!
1524%Homer: Not quite. They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.
1524%-- Homer's surprise gift, ``Lisa the Greek''
1525%Ooh, perfume! Meryl Streep's Versatility!
1525%-- Marge's gift from Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
1526%Homer: Boy, I know you're going to like your present.
1526%Bart: [it's a hand-held gizmo with three buttons]
1526% [Bart presses each button a few times]
1526%Toy: Shut up! Shut up!
1526% Kiss my butt!
1526% Shut up!
1526% Go to hell! Go to hell!
1526%Bart: Dad, I promise you, I will <never> get tired of this.
1526%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1527%Marge: Homer, those were very thoughtful presents, but you have to tell
1527% me where you got the money from.
1527%Homer: All right, Marge, I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you
1527% will not get mad.
1527%Marge: I promise I <will> get mad, because I always do when you make me
1527% promise I won't.
1527%Homer: All right, if you must know. Lisa and I have been gambling on pro
1527% football.
1527%Marge: Homer!!
1527%Homer: You promised you wouldn't get mad!
1527%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1528%Homer: Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show
1528% talent?
1528%Marge: But gambling is illegal!
1528%Homer: Oh, only in 48 states. Besides, it's a victimless crime.
1528% The only victim is Moe! Heh heh heh.
1528%-- Homer has been using Lisa to help him make bets on football,
1528% ``Lisa the Greek''
1529%You know, Dad, we've been watching a lot of TV lately. Maybe the Sunday
1529%after the Super Bowl we could hike up to the top of Mount Springfield.
1529%The fires in the tire yards really make for some beautiful sunsets!
1529%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek''
1530%Adult Lisa: My third husband bought me this. [takes off her ring]
1530% Gimme some [casino] chips for it!
1530%Clerk: Are you sure, ma'am?
1530%Adult Lisa: Don't tell me what to do, sonny. I've been gambling since I
1530% was eight, and I've been hocking jewelry since I was twelve!
1530% Now gimme some chips!
1530%-- Lisa's nightmare, ``Lisa the Greek''
1531%Look around you, Malibu Stacy. All this was bought with dirty money.
1531%Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic...
1531%-- Lisa talks to her doll, ``Lisa the Greek''
1532%Lisa: Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Super Bowl if you
1532% want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more
1532% about winning money than you did about me.
1532%Homer: Okay.
1532%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1533%Brent: We're live from the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, and Super Bowl XXVI.
1533% Today, we're going to be seen by people in one hundred and fifty
1533% countries, all over the world!
1533% [shot of some Pacific island natives watching a TV set]
1533% Including our newest affiliate, W Gimel Aleph Nun in Tel Aviv!
1533% [cut to Caesar and Ugoland (the evil French winemakers) watching
1533% the show]
1533%Caesar: Stupid!
1533%Ugoland: [changes the channel with the remote]
1533%TV: [Jerry Lewis] Wauugh! [crash] Sorry, Mrs. [mumble]
1533%Ugoland: [smacks his lips] Formidable!
1533%-- Fifty million Frenchmen might be wrong, ``Lisa the Greek''
1534%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern, home of the Super Sunday Brunch
1534% Spectacular!
1534%Barney: [surveying the buffet table] Whoa! Baloney! Bread!
1534%Moe: [jotting in his notebook] I've got you down for forty bucks.
1534% Good luck, Your Eminence.
1534%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek''
1535%I had the greatest gift of all. A little girl who could pick football.
1535%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
1536%Well, sir, we're two hours and 45 minutes into the pre-game show...
1536%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
1537%Brent: We've got ourselvs a special guest, actor Troy McClure, whose new
1537% sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough, right after
1537% the game!
1537%Troy: Thanks, Brent. My new show is called `Handle with Care'.
1537% I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a
1537% retired criminal. We're the original Odd Couple!
1537%Brent: What made you want to do a situation comedy?
1537%Troy: Well, I fell in love with the script, Brent. And my recent
1537% trouble with the IRS sealed the deal!
1537%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek''
1538%Homer: Buffalo is going to win. Lisa hates me. [sobs]
1538%Man: Whatcha got riding on this game?
1538%Homer: My daughter.
1538%Man: [whistles] What a gambler!
1538%-- Watching the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek''
1539%This sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you!
1539%-- Bart watches a feeble football halftime show, ``Lisa the Greek''
1540%It's a touchdown for halfback Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl!
1540%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1541%Barney: Hey Homer, didn't you say that if Duff Dry wins [the Duff Bowl],
1541% your daughter loves you?
1541%Homer: Not Duff Dry. Washington!
1541%Barney: Okay, okay. They're <both> great teams.
1541%-- ``Lisa the Greek''
1542%Rev. Lovejoy: [surveys his congregation, one man and two old ladies]
1542% Well, I'm glad <some> people could resist the lures of the big game.
1542%Man: Oh, my God! I forgot the game! [rushes out]
1542%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek''
1543%So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play.
1543%If Washington scores here, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars
1543%in nation's capital tonight!
1543%-- The closing seconds of the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek''
1544%Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on
1544%for eight more years!
1544%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek''
1545%Homer: [scarfing down donuts]
1545%Lenny: Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something.
1545%Homer: Don't tell me how to eat donuts! [starts choking]
1545%Karl: Hey, Homer's choking again.
1545%Lenny: Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere?
1545%Karl: Somebody scare him.
1545%Charlie: That's for the hiccups!
1545%-- Remain calm, dough-nut panic, ``Homer at the Bat''
1546%Lenny: Homer, last year, we were 2 and 28.
1546%Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season...
1546%Lenny: Actually, it was.
1546%-- Room for improvement, ``Homer at the Bat''
1547%Homer: Come here, boy, I want to show you something.
1547%Bart: What's that, a homemade bat?
1547%Homer: It's something very special. A homemade bat.
1547%-- A Homer-made bat, ``Homer at the Bat''
1548%It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm, when I locked
1548%myself out of the house. Shelving myself with a large piece of sheet metal,
1548%I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find!
1548%-- Homer Simpson, Safety Inspector, ``Homer at the Bat''
1549%Homer: [working to build a baseball bat in the garage]
1549%Marge: Homey, come to bed.
1549% [scene change: Marge is in bed, as wood shavings flick onto her
1549% from Homer's woodwork]
1549% Homer, go back to the garage.
1549%-- Yessss, master, ``Homer at the Bat''
1550%Bart: [sees Homer's homemade bat] Wow! How many home runs you gonna
1550% hit with that?
1550%Homer: Let's see. We play thirty games. Ten at-bats a game. Mmm...
1550% Three thousand.
1550%-- Back-of-the-envelope calculations, ``Homer at the Bat''
1551%Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules.
1551% You can't leave first until you chug a beer.
1551% Any man scoring has to chug a beer.
1551% You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.
1551% Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
1551%Chief Wiggum: [in baseball uniform] Hey, we know how to play softball.
1551%-- The canonical softball drinking game, ``Homer at the Bat''
1552%Umpire: Play ball!
1552%Chief Wiggum: [steps to the plate]
1552%Police radio: Attention all units! Attention all units!
1552% Armored car being robbed at 59th and...
1552%Chief Wiggum: Turn off that damn radio!
1552%-- Please arrange to have your car robbed only during normal business hours,
1552% ``Homer at the Bat''
1553%And the man wants to hit the ball, too. [crack!] And he does.
1553%And there he goes, off in that direction. And everyone is happy.
1553%-- Marge Simpson does the play-by-play, ``Homer at the Bat''
1554%Lisa: Wow, Dad!
1554%Bart: Homer, can I get you a beer?
1554%Lisa: No, <I> want to get him a beer.
1554%Homer: Kids, kids, kids! You can <each> get me a beer.
1554%-- Beer and beer alike, ``Homer at the Bat''
1555%Ari: Would you care to bet a million dollars on that?
1555%Burns: Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting!
1555%Ari: What, a million dollars isn't interesting to you?
1555%Burns: Oh, did you say a million? I'm, I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere.
1555% I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would
1555% bait each other, and, well, you know how it goes.
1555% Yes, certainly, a million would be fine. [handshake]
1555%-- But gambling is illegal in 48 states... ``Homer at the Bat''
1556%Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win
1556% a million-dollar bet?
1556%Smithers: Yes, sir.
1556%Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if <I> cheat to win a
1556% million-dollar bet?
1556%Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?
1556%-- Burns remembers to phrase it as an ethical question, ``Homer at the Bat''
1557%Smithers: [whispers in Jose Canseco's ear]
1557%Jose: I get $50,000 to play one game?
1557%Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
1557%Jose: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun.
1557%-- For love of money, ``Homer at the Bat''
1558%Smithers: [in the woods, a bullet grazes his shoulder]
1558%Hunter: Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer.
1558%Smithers: Heh heh, that's okay. Happens all the time.
1558%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
1559%Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry.
1559%Darryl: Yes?
1559%Homer: You play right field.
1559%Darryl: Yes?
1559%Homer: I play right field, too.
1559%Darryl: So?
1559%Homer: Well, are you better than me?
1559%Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... Yes.
1559%-- Any questions? ``Homer at the Bat''
1560%Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better
1560% than you?
1560%Maggie: [feeds SLH peas from her bowl]
1560%Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger
1560% than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.
1560%Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do
1560% anything if I just put my mind to it!
1560%Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's
1560% a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always
1560% about a million people better than you.
1560%Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.
1560%-- Lesson for the day, ``Homer at the Bat''
1561%Smithers: What are you going to do with the million dollars, sir?
1561%Burns: Oh, I dunno. Throw it on the pile, I suppose.
1561%-- Burns has bet $1 million on the softball team, ``Homer at the Bat''
1562%Hynpotist: You are all very good players...
1562%Team: We are all very good players...
1562%Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville...
1562%Team: We will beat Shelbyville...
1562%Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent...
1562%Team: That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent.
1562% By definition that is the most anyone can give...
1562%-- You own a mansion and a yacht... ``Homer at the Bat''
1563%Mike Scoscia: [pushing a wheelbarrow of glowing green goop]
1563%Karl: [pulls up beside him with his own wheelbarrow of glowing green goop]
1563% Hey, Scoscia. I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every
1563% night in the core, busting your butt hauling radioactive waste.
1563%Mike Scoscia: Well, Karl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing
1563% big-league ball. I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and
1563% boom, the press is all over you. [accidentally spills his goop]
1563% Uh oh...
1563%Karl: Ah, don't worry about it.
1563%Mike Scoscia: Oh man, is this ever sweet...
1563%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
1564%Now, before I post the starting line-up, I want to assure those of you
1564%whose names are not on the list... that I'm very disappointed in you.
1564%-- Monty Burns, softball team manager, ``Homer at the Bat''
1565%Homer: Please please please, I want to make the team. [catches Roger Clemens]
1565% Clemens, did I make the team?
1565%Roger: You sure did!
1565%Homer: I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
1565%Roger: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.?
1565%Homer: No.
1565%Roger: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.
1565%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
1566%Dr. Hibbert: Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm.
1566%Mike Scoscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate...
1566%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
1567%Homer: Oh, one thing I'm good at and I can't do it any more.
1567%Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things.
1567%Homer: Like what?
1567%Marge: Like snuggling? [snuggles up to him]
1567%Homer: Yeah. but none of my friends can watch me.
1567%-- It's an indoor sport, ``Homer at the Bat''
1568%Barney: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
1568%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
1568%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
1568%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!!!
1568%Barney: Okay, you asked for it, bud! [punches him out]
1568%Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! [scoffing] Pitt the Elder...
1568%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!! [punches Moe]
1568%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
1569%Homer: Where do you think you're going?
1569%Lisa: To the game.
1569%Homer: No no no. I don't want you to see me sit on my worthless butt.
1569%Bart: We've seen it, Dad.
1569%-- ``Homer at the Bat''
1570%BART (Brat'us Don'thaveacow'us)
1570%HOMER (Homo Neanderthal'us)
1570%-- The Simpsons meet the Road Runner, ``Homer Alone''
1571%I am <not> cleaning that! ... Oh, who am I kidding.
1571%-- Marge cleans up another mess, ``Homer Alone''
1572%When you grow up, you can suck your pacifier all you want.
1572%-- Marge tries to reason with Maggie, ``Homer Alone''
1573%Marge: [making lunch] Extra mustard for Bart, sliced diagonally, not
1573% lengthwise. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust. Double
1573% baloney for Homer...
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, can you sign this permission slip for my
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, have you seen my lucky red cap? Mom,
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] field trip? Mom, I <hate> those pimentos, they
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] where's my lucky red cap? Mom, aren't you listening
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] make me gag.
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] to me? I told...
1573%Homer: [comes in]
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, please sign the permission slip. [etc]
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, I'm talking to you. Hello? Hello! I'm going to
1573%Homer: [simultaneously] Marge, I split my pants again. Ooooh! Can I have two
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] [etc] without lunch.
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] be crushed today if I don't wear my lucky red
1573%Homer: [simultaneously] sandwiches today? Make them baloney sandwiches, too,
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mommm! I can't eat those pimentos...
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] cap! Mommmm! Wheeeere's my caaaaap!
1573%Homer: [simultaneously] can I have two slices of baloney and...
1573%Marge: ONE AT A TIME! ONE AT A TIME!
1573% [pause]
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] So when you make the sandwich, no pimentos <please!>
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] [etc]
1573%Homer: [simultaneously] Double baloney! Double baloney! Don't forget to
1573%Lisa: [simultaneously] Because you know how much they...
1573%Bart: [simultaneously] Mommm! Where's my lucky red cap!
1573%Homer: [simultaneously] make it <double> baloney because...
1573%-- ``Homer Alone''
1574%Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me.
1574%Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it,
1574% if you don't mind.
1574%-- ``Homer Alone''
1575%This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the
1575%Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both
1575%directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just
1575%dropped my bagel.
1575%-- Helicopter traffic report, ``Homer Alone''
1576%Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move.
1576%Wiggum: Did you flash your lights?
1576%Eddie: Yes.
1576%Wiggum: [thinks] Well, <I'm> fresh out of ideas.
1576%-- ``Homer Alone''
1577%Wiggum: Try to talk her out of there.
1577% [hands Homer a megaphone]
1577% But don't put your lips on it or anything.
1577%-- ``Homer Alone''
1578%Homer: [through a megaphone] Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello?
1578%Marge: Homer, is that you?
1578%Homer: [aside] What should I say?
1578%Wiggum: Well, how about, ``Yes, it's me.''
1578%Homer: [through a megaphone] Yes, it's me.
1578%-- I own a mansion and a yacht, ``Homer Alone''
1579%I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day in the city of Springfield!
1579%-- Mayor Quimby goes after the chick vote, ``Homer Alone''
1580%Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls.
1580%-- Advertisement for Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone''
1581%Marge: I need to unwind.
1581%Homer: I knw you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are
1581% like. Those three monsters in the back seat. ``Are we there yet?
1581% Are we there yet?'' And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach
1581% either. ``Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have
1581% another sandwich?''
1581%-- In the comfort of your own home, ``Homer Alone''
1582%For your information, I can take care of my...
1582%[Maggie loses her grip and falls] Auugh!
1582%[picks up Maggie] See? Got her on the first bounce.
1582%-- A bouncing baby girl, ``Homer Alone''
1583%This is KOMA, WKOMA, restful easy listening. Coming up next, a super
1583%set of songs about clouds...
1583%-- ``Homer Alone''
1584%Selma: Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches.
1584% You need something to drink?
1584%Patty: We've got clamato, Mr. Pibb and soy milk.
1584%-- ``Homer Alone''
1585%Lisa: [yawns] I think I'll just hit the hay.
1585%Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon!
1585%Lisa: [quietly] I'm aware of the time.
1585%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone''
1586%Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.
1586%Lisa: You think <you> know fear? Well, <I've> seen 'em naked!
1586%Bart: Waaaaauuuugh!
1586%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone''
1587%I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as ``Today
1587%We Kill, Tomorrow We Die'' and ``Gladys the Groovy Mule''!
1587%-- ``Homer Alone''
1588%Troy: Our tour starts in your very own room, where Relaxo-Vision offers you
1588% the latest Hollywood hits. And after midnight, the finest R-rated
1588% movies Europe has to offer! [smacks his lips] Today's selections are...
1588%Some other announcer:
1588% Thelma and Louise,
1588% The Happy Little Elves Meet Fuzzy Snuggleduck, and
1588% The Erotic Awakening of S.
1588%-- ``Homer Alone''
1589%Homer: Come on, Maggie. Nummy-nummy-num!
1589%Maggie: [refuses to eat her baby food]
1589%Homer: Aaaaahhh... [eats some to demonstrate]
1589% Mmm... [digging in] Mmm...!
1589% [tries another jar]
1589% Mmm... strained peas.
1589%-- ``Homer Alone''
1590%Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school.
1590%-- Gregory, the masseuse at Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone''
1591%[picks up Maggie] Whoa! Someone smells stinky!
1591%[sniffs himself] Oh, it's me.
1591%-- Barney, bastion of cleanliness, ``Homer Alone''
1592%[sung to Brahms' Lullaby]
1592%Go to sleep...
1592%And good night...
1592%La-la la la la la la...
1592%Dee-dee-dee...
1592%Dee-dee-dee...
1592%May your Christmas Days be bright!
1592%-- Homer sings Maggie to sleep, ``Homer Alone''
1593%Hairdresser: So, what's the verdict?
1593%Woman: [realizes she's been given a Marge Simpson hairdo]
1593% Oh, dear God! I can't even put a bag over my head!
1593%Hairdresser: Yes you can.
1593%-- ``Homer Alone''
1594%As I said to Dolores Montenergo in ``Calling All Quakers''...
1594%``Have it <your> way, Baby!''
1594%-- Troy McClure, ``Homer Alone''
1595%Marge, Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her...
1595%-- Homer practices his excuse for losing Maggie, ``Homer Alone''
1596%Wiggum: You the man who reported the lost baby?
1596%Homer: Yes.
1596%Wiggum: Can you describe her?
1596%Homer: Uh, she's small... She's a girl...
1596%Wiggum: Bingo! [produces Maggie]
1596%-- ``Homer Alone''
1597%Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined.
1597%Others may find out that life isn't fair... [turning bitter] in spite
1597%of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter
1597%to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth-graders while your husband runs naked
1597%on a beach with your marriage counselor!! [stares from the students]
1597%Ahem.
1597%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
1597% ``Separate Vocations''
1598%First question. If I could be any animal, I would be (a) a carpenter ant,
1598%(b) a nurse shark, or (c) a lawyer bird.
1598%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
1598% ``Separate Vocations''
1599%Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or
1599%(c) bank customers.
1599%-- Miss Hoover administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT),
1599% ``Separate Vocations''
1600%Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
1600%Lisa: Janey, school is <never> a waste of time.
1600%Ms.H: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your
1600% pencils and stare at the front of the room.
1600%-- Time well-spent, ``Separate Vocations''
1601%Bart: Police officer!? Well I'll be jiggered!
1601%Dr.J: Heh heh heh. If you'd like to learn more, I could arrange for
1601% you to ride along in a police car for a night.
1601%Bart: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car.
1601%-- Bart reads his scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations''
1602%Homer: So what are <you> going to be, boy?
1602%Bart: Policeman.
1602%Homer: [gags on his food]
1602%-- Bart's scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations''
1603%Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while,
1603% but they said he was too heavy.
1603%Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
1603%-- ``Separate Vocations''
1604%Lisa: Well, <I'm> going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all
1604% figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my
1604% gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the
1604% horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love
1604% affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.
1604%Marge: Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help.
1604%-- Is she accepting applications for torrid love affairs?
1604% ``Separate Vocations''
1605%I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean,
1605%you know, devastating.
1605%-- Instructor at music school, ``Separate Vocations''
1606%Bart: Wow! Can I see your club?
1606%Cop: It's called a baton, son.
1606%Bart: Oh. What's it for?
1606%Cop: We club people with it.
1606%-- Just conduct yourself properly and nobody gets hurt, ``Separate Vocations''
1607%Bart: So, you guys like being cops?
1607%Cop: Oh, it's great. You get to run red lights, park wherever you please,
1607% hot and cold running chicks...
1607%-- The perquisites of power, ``Separate Vocations''
1608%Bart: Do you need straight A's to be a cop?
1608%The Two Cops: [laugh uproariously]
1608%-- Just checking, ``Separate Vocations''
1609%Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin.
1609%Almost sensuous...
1609%-- Apu, tied up after being robbed at gunpoint, ``Separate Vocations''
1610%Wiggum: Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket. To jail!
1610%Eddie: He's unconscious, sir.
1610%Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things.
1610%-- Subliminal messages, ``Separate Vocations''
1611%I saw some awful things in Nam, but you really have to wonder at the
1611%mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma!
1611%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations''
1612%Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone
1612% topsy-turvey?
1612%Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority...
1612% [rubs his hands] And I liked it!
1612%-- ``Separate Vocations''
1613%Look, let's can the euphemisms. No more bullspit.
1613%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations''
1614%Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term.
1614% But Lisa's are way down.
1614%Homer: Oh... We always have one good kid and one lousy kid.
1614% Why can't <both> our kids be good?
1614%Marge: We have <three> kids, Homer.
1614%Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!
1614%Marge: No! Maggie!
1614%Homer: Oh, yeah!
1614%-- ``Separate Vocations''
1615%Bart: Seymour, this is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother.
1615% And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the
1615% identical elongated loops on the `d's.
1615%Skinner: Forgery! So he <didn't> have leprosy!
1615%-- The alibi falls apart, ``Separate Vocations''
1616%Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again!
1616%Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name,
1616% Mr. Glascock.
1616%-- I'm not touching this one, ``Separate Vocations''
1617%Ms.H: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named `Old Hickory'?
1617%Lisa: I don't know. You? [snickers from the class]
1617%Ms.H: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the
1617% answer is... [flips to answer key] The Battle of New Orleans.
1617% I mean... Andrew Jackson.
1617%Lisa: Well, you're earning <your> eighteen grand a year. [more snickers]
1617%-- ``Separate Vocations''
1618%Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened.
1618% Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition
1618% in this school.
1618%Teacher: What'll we do!?
1618%Ms. K: Declare a snow day!
1618%Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table?
1618%Skinner: No, please, don't panic. [peers out the window] They can smell fear.
1618%-- Make no sudden movements, ``Separate Vocations''
1619%Ms. K: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh
1619% day, Martin will be teaching this class.
1619%Martin: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin.
1619%Ms. K: Just do it, Braniac!
1619%-- Somebody stole all the teachers' editions of the school textbooks,
1619% ``Separate Vocations''
1620%Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here.
1620% All we have to do is search ever locker.
1620%Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by
1620% the Supreme Court.
1620%Bart: Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have <they> done for us lately?
1620%Skinner: Let's move.
1620%-- Annoyed any Republicans today? ``Separate Vocations''
1621%[on the phone] Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast!
1621%How old are you? ... [jots it down] Uh huh.
1621%And what's your birthday? ... [jots it down] No kidding.
1621%And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What? You don't know your
1621%sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you!
1621%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
1622%Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run.
1622%Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with
1622% my wife.
1622%Apu: I promise nothing.
1622%-- ``Dog of Death''
1623%Homer: You'll never guess what happened, Marge. Are you ready?
1623% I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!!
1623%Marge: But we never, ever...
1623%Homer: I know you're excited, so just calm down and listen to me carefully...
1623%-- Brimming with excitement, ``Dog of Death''
1624%Marge: Homer, we're on a tight budget, here. Promise me you won't get
1624% carried away.
1624%Homer: Yes, money. ... I mean, honey.
1624%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
1625%Kent: But there's already one big winner: Our state school system,
1625% which gets fully half the profits from the library.
1625%Skinner: [talking with his teachers]
1625% Just think what we can buy with that money...
1625% History books that know how the Korean War came out.
1625% Math books that don't have that base six crap in them!
1625% And a state-of-the-art detention hall [holds up a scale model]
1625% where children are held in place with magnets.
1625%Teacher: [to no one in particular] Magnets. Always with the magnets...
1625%-- ``Dog of Death''
1626%Kent: We now take you to the [lottery] drawing, live. I hope you've got
1626% <your> tickets. I've got mine.
1626%[at the police station, everyone's watching. The phone rings.]
1626%Eddie: They're about to start, Chief.
1626%Wiggum: [answers the phone] No, you got the wrong number.
1626% This is nine-one....two.
1626%-- Lottery fever, ``Dog of Death''
1627%If you were seventeen, we'd be rich!
1627%But nooooooooooo... You had to be ten.
1627%-- Homer scolds Bart, whose age he used to select his losing lottery numbers,
1627% ``Dog of Death''
1628%I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie heaven.
1628%In doggie heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around
1628%without sniffing another dog's butt!
1628%-- Homer talks to Bart, ``Dog of Death''
1629%Marge: Honey, $750 is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation.
1629%Bart: You're gonna just let him [SLH] die?
1629%Marge: I know you're upset...
1629%Bart: Darn right, I'm upset!
1629%Marge: Bart, watch your language! ... Oh, you did.
1629%-- Save it for later, ``Dog of Death''
1630%Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
1630%Burns: Nonsense. Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers.
1630% If I came into your house and started sniffing at your
1630% crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would
1630% you say?
1630%Smithers: ... If <you> did it, sir?
1630%-- A tough question, ``Dog of Death''
1631%Marge: I found a way to stretch the food budget.
1631% Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night.
1631% Ham night will be Spam night.
1631% And pork chop night...
1631%Homer: [whining, fearing the worst] Oh...
1631%Marge: ... will not be chub night.
1631%Homer: Chub!? I don't even know what that is!
1631%-- Neither do I, ``Dog of Death''
1632%Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer.
1632%Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats!
1632%-- Homer's budget-saving plan, ``Dog of Death''
1633%It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school.
1633%-- Veterinarian, ``Dog of Death''
1634%Homer: Hey, how come he [SLH] gets meat and we don't?
1634%Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly just snouts and
1634% entrails.
1634%Homer: Mmmmmm.... snouts.....
1634%-- ``Dog of Death''
1635%Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing
1635% he can't buy.
1635%Marge: What's that?
1635%Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur!
1635%-- ``Dog of Death''
1636%If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now!
1636%-- Burns scolds SLH, his new attack dog, ``Dog of Death''
1637%I know how you feel. I lost my dog, too. He's in here somewhere...
1637%[a muffled whimper emerges from somewhere in his apartment]
1637%-- Barney can't help find SLH, ``Dog of Death''
1638%That was his dish... And that was his leash... And that's where he took
1638%a wizz on the rug... [sobs]
1638%-- Homer looks back on the days with Santa's Little Helper, ``Dog of Death''
1639%Marge: Homer, get a hold of yourself. Even if he [SLH] <has> passed on,
====================== End of Part 9 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
Part 10 of 10 of the master `simpsons' quote file.
Delete everything up to and including the dashed line below and
save to a filename "Part10"
====================== Begin of Part 10 of 10 =========================
1639% there's no reason to cry. Remember, doggie heaven?
1639%Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place!
1639%Marge: Ahem.
1639%Homer: [spots the kids] Or... To put it another way... There <is>...
1639%-- ``Dog of Death''
1640%Bart: I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door
1640% in this two-bit town. I'm going to find my dog!
1640%Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV.
1640%-- Moral support, ``Dog of Death''
1641%Kent: [answering the door] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman.
1641%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I lost my dog.
1641%Kent: Mm hm. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm?
1641% You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a
1641% piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this and hungry that...
1641%-- ``Dog of Death''
1642%Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir,
1642% but there's a sweet little boy at the door.
1642%Burns: Release the hounds.
1642%-- ``Dog of Death''
1643%NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE.
1643%A CAT GOT SICK AND SOMEBODY SHOT A DUCK, BUT THAT'S IT.
1643%-- Watching cartoons is also dolphin-safe, ``Dog of Death''
1644%Bart: If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it.
1644%Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over.
1644%Bart: [pause] It's over.
1644%Lisa: [uncovers her eyes]
1644% [the movie theater is bathed in red as we hear blood spurting]
1644% Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
1644%-- Watching `Space Mutant IV', ``(Colonel Homer)''
1645%Man 1: Hey you, let's fight.
1645%Man 2: Them's fightin' words!
1645%-- Say what you mean, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1646%Okay, Fudd me.
1646%-- Homer orders a beer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1647%Lurleen: So what's your name, stranger?
1647%Homer: Homer J. Simpson.
1647%Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin.
1647%Homer: That's a pretty name.
1647%Lurleen: Oh, you think so?
1647%Homer: Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it.
1647%-- Persistence of memory, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1648% [in the operating room, the power flickers]
1648%Nurse: Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder.
1648%Doctor: Put it back! Put it back!
1648%-- It was like that when I got here! ``(Colonel Homer)''
1649%Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind.
1649%I haven't felt this way since Funky Town!
1649%-- Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1650%Moe: [listening to a song on the radio] For the next half hour,
1650% beer is on the house.
1650%Barney: [bursts out of the men's room] What'd you say, Moe?
1650% [pull back to see that the bar is otherwise empty]
1650%Moe: Nuthin'.
1650%-- Trees falling in the forest, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1651%Krusty: [slapping Sideshow Mel] I thought I told you to stay away from
1651% my sister!!
1651% [a song comes on the radio]
1651% [softens] Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa.
1651%-- Calms the savage breast, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1652%I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit.
1652%-- Lisa, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1653%Country music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from
1653%shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all.
1653%-- Bart the Critic, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1654%Marge: Who is this woman?
1654%Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress,
1654% but she's going to be a country music superstar like...
1654% uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady.
1654%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1655%Marge, you make it sound so seamy.
1655%All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on
1655%some outfits.
1655%-- Homer tries to reassure Marge, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1656%Lurleen: Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know...
1656% wantin' sum'in' in return.
1656%Homer: Well, now, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now
1656% I feel kinda guilty about it.
1656%-- Ask and you shall receive, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1657%Lurleen: [chuckles] Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
1657%Homer: Hey! [thinks on it] You <did> say sugar, right?
1657%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1658%Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager.
1658%Homer: Really?! Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
1658%Lurleen: That's okay.
1658%Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
1658%Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.
1658%Homer: I did bad in school.
1658%Lurleen: I didn't even go.
1658%Homer: My personal hygeine has been described as...
1658%-- Is that a fair recital of my deficiencies? ``(Colonel Homer)''
1659%Now this is made from a space-age fabric specially designed for Elvis.
1659%Sweat actually cleans this suit!
1659%-- Clerk at the Corpulent Cowboy, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1660%Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of
1660% managing a beautiful country singer!
1660%Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie!
1660% And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!?
1660%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1661%Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!?
1661%Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings. I'm not going into hock
1661% for this.
1661%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1662%Marge: Hm... I thought you said she was overweight.
1662%Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
1662%-- Tangoing optional, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1663%Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV!
1663%Lurleen: [squeals with delight] Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you
1663% are handsome!
1663%Homer: [angry] Hey! [softens] Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
1663%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1664%Marge: All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke.
1664% If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for.
1664%Patty: You don't?
1664%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1665%Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.
1665%-- Bart on Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1666%I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation.
1666%-- ``(Colonel Homer)''
1667%Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen,
1667%and I'll take any offer.
1667%-- Homer Simpson, Master Bargainer, ``(Colonel Homer)''
1668%Dad Dinosaur: Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music?
1668%Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a stegasaurus, man!
1668%-- Television on television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1669%These talking dinosaurs are more real than most <real> families on TV.
1669%-- Lisa watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1670%It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen!
1670%-- Bart watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1671%Patty: Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone.
1671% So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program.
1671% Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
1671%Bart: Coooool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunchtray!
1671%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1672%Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent <me> to prison,
1672% the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and...
1672% [vigorously mimes with his steak knife] tear him a new belly button!
1672% Ungh! Ungh! Lousy snitch! Yaargh!
1672%Bart: [laughs nervously, loosens his collar]
1672%-- Don't give him any ideas, dear. ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1673%Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble
1673% truths of the Buddha.
1673%Homer: I am not!
1673%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1674%Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
1674%-- Krusty's bitter remarks towards an imprisoned Sideshow Bob upon the
1674% latter's winning of a Daytime Emmy, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1675%Now for the highlight of the evening, Best Film-to-Video Transfer.
1675%-- Krusty hosts the Daytime Emmys, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1676%Sideshow Bob: [menacingly] Bart, if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked
1676% you like a chicken the moment I walked in that door.
1676%Family: Gasp!
1676%Sideshow Bob: [cheerily] But then, what kind of guest would I have been?
1676%Family: [chuckle, except for Bart]
1676%-- On the other hand, if he'd brought a gift first...
1676% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1677%Sideshow Bob: You can't take my Emmy!
1677%Prison Guard: Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment
1677% are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe.
1677%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1678%Dear No 24601...
1678% I need a man, and I cannot find one among the law-abiding.
1678% I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance lawsuits.
1678%I share an apartment with my twin sister. Enclosed is a photo of us on
1678%a tandem bike. I forget which one I am.
1678%-- Selma's letter to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1679%You're living proof that our revolving door prison system works.
1679%-- Lisa to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1680%Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking
1680% in front of your family?
1680%Selma: All right. But no tongues. [removes her cigarette and puckers up]
1680%Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine
1680% ashtray, that's not what I had in mind.
1680%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1681%Kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray.
1681%-- Sideshow Bob to his new love Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1682%Sideshow Bob: Selma, will you marry me?
1682%Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma! That man is scum!
1682%Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum!
1682%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1683%We now return to the 27th Annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness.
1683%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1684%I love you people! I love my kids! [indicates]
1684%Poor little guys. So tragic. So nauseous. You should see the bus they
1684%came to the studio in!
1684%-- Krusty hosts his Telethon for Motion Sickness,
1684% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1685%Sideshow Bob: Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting
1685% you in jail?
1685%Krusty: Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, I'm right back
1685% in there!
1685%-- Telethon for Motion Sickness, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1686%Marge: Now, about your wedding dress. Mmm, I'm not sure how to put this...
1686%Selma: White!
1686%Marge: [writing] White.
1686%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1687%Homer: You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies! They taste as good as
1687% they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce. It
1687% looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But brother, it
1687% ain't ketchup!
1687%Sideshow Bob: Well, Selma, he makes a good case.
1687%-- Catering the wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1688%This wedding is spinning out of control. Can we really afford it?
1688%I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when
1688%I left prison.
1688%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1689%Hey, relax. I told you, I got money.
1689%I bought stock in a mace company just before society crumbled.
1689%-- Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1690%I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money.
1690%Instead of your... less tangible qualities.
1690%-- Sideshow Bob to Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1691%Selma: Driver, here's a fin. Get me home and don't spare the whip!
1691%Barney: [the carriage driver] Whatever you say, Mum! [belch]
1691%-- For that added romantic touch, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1692%Man: Thank you, Senor McGyver. You've saved our village.
1692%McGyver: Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull.
1692%-- Watching television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1693%Selma: That McGyver's a genius.
1693%Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor.
1693% And second, he's not <much> of an actor.
1693%Selma: [refusing to believe] You're lying! You're lying!
1693%Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. <This> is lying.
1693% [puts on an absurd smile]
1693% That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never
1693% made me want to retch.
1693%-- Telling it like it is, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1694%Sideshow Bob: Selma, I don't know what to say...
1694%Selma: Just tell me you like McGyver.
1694%Sideshow Bob: Very well, I... I... [breaks down]
1694% I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked-on!
1694%-- A critical eye, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1695%Homer: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal.
1695% You know why?
1695%Selma: No.
1695%Sideshow Bob: Go on.
1695%Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her ``non-violent'' programs,
1695% I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble
1695% home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap]
1695%Marge: [smiles, takes his hand]
1695%-- Meeting halfway, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1696%Bart no like. Bad medicine.
1696%-- Bart expresses his disapproval, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1697%Lisa: [bitterly] <I> could've been the flower girl. And I wouldn't keep
1697% falling down, either.
1697%Bart: Hey, they chose Maggie, okay?
1697%Lisa: Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine.
1697%-- Selma's wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1698%Marge: [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception]
1698% Ooh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty, Krusty, say something funny!
1698%Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke. Um... Um... Uh, funny, uh, okay. Uh,
1698% this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a
1698% twelve-inch pianist. Oh hoho, no, wait! I can't tell <that> one!
1698%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1699%Ah, fire! Scourge of Prometheus! Toaster of marshmallows!
1699%[evilly] Eradicator of deadwood...
1699%-- Sideshow Bob lights the fireplace, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1700%Sideshow Bob: [rubbing Selma's feet] [quietly] Soon I will kill you...
1700%Selma: What?
1700%Sideshow Bob: Son pied sont il beau. [?]
1700% French for ``Her foot smells lovely.''
1700%Selma: [calms down] Oh...
1700%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered...
1700%Selma: Huh?
1700%Sideshow Bob: /eh pah dee meh moo-doo/.
1700% That's Sanskrit for ``Your toes are like perfume.''
1700%Selma: [calms down] Oh...
1700%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] /voia matara/ usted.
1700%Selma: Wha?
1700%Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you...
1700%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1701%You tried to kill me. I want a separation.
1701%-- Selma to her husband of nary a few days Sideshow Bob,
1701% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1702%My best-laid plans have gang agley!
1702%-- Sideshow Bob, poetic to the end, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1703%Bart: Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?
1703%Wiggum: Well, no, frankly. But that never stopped us before.
1703%-- Sideshow Bob, foiled again, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1704%Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web?
1704%Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in!
1704%Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do
1704% his job...
1704%Chief Wiggum: No no, please. It's the only way I'll learn.
1704%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1705%Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.
1705%-- Bart the Hero, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1706%To the Simpson-Mobile!
1706%-- Homer, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1707%I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever.
1707%And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies!
1707%Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
1707%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1708%There was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
1708%-- Marge, on Bart's unraveling of Sideshow Bob's murderous plan,
1708% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob''
1709%Bart: Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket!
1709%Milhouse: It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics!
1709%-- ``Otto Show''
1710%Homer: Now just meet me back here after the show.
1710%Bart: Thanks, Dad. Sure you're not going to be bored?
1710%Homer: [chuckles] Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the
1710% back seat of a car! Heh, heh, heh, heh...
1710% [flashback. Inspiration Point. Homer in the back seat, his car
1710% springing up and down]
1710%Young Homer: [lustfully] Ohhhhhhh.... Oh, baby...
1710% [Young Homer eats pizza, hot dogs, chips...]
1710%-- ``Otto Show''
1711%Check it out, Spinal Tap kicking Mohammar Qadaffi in the butt.
1711%A timeless classic. Now two for a dollar.
1711%-- Hawking t-shirts, ``Otto Show''
1712%Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout
1712%your career. ``Washed-up.''
1712%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show''
1713%Here you are, among the top one hundred and five concert acts today.
1713%What's your secret, guys?
1713%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show''
1714%We're very big in Bulgaria. And what-his-name, the other -garia...
1714%-- Spinal Tap speaks, ``Otto Show''
1715%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... Duff Beer, in association with
1715%Laramie Cigarettes, is proud to welcome... Spinal Tap!
1715%-- Rock concert, ``Otto Show''
1716%Tonight, the city weeps, as for the first time ever, a hockey arena
1716%becomes then scene of violence.
1716%-- Kent Brockman reports on a concert riot, ``Otto Show''
1717%Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with
1717%rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's
1717%``The Magic Flute''. So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this
1717%reporters opinion, the answer, sadly, is `yes'.
1717%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, ``Otto Show''
1718%Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good
1718% real fast, or <POW>!
1718%Marge: Homer!
1718%Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
1718%-- Feedback of all types, ``Otto Show''
1719%I'd loik to play me latest chart-toppah. It's called,
1719%``Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs''.
1719%-- Bart the heavy-metal rock star, ``Otto Show''
1720%Bart: I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto-Man!
1720%Otto: Hey, that's all I <did> in high school!
1720%-- ``Otto Show''
1721%My old man said I was wasting my time, and I'd never amount to anything.
1721%He-hah-hah-hah! He-hah-hah-hah-heh-heh! [realizes] Oh...
1721%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
1722%Otto: Uh-oh. Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes!
1722%Lisa: We don't have seat belts.
1722%Otto: Well, then, uh... Just try to go limp.
1722%-- ``Otto Show''
1723%I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.
1723%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
1724%Well, that tears it. Until you get a [drivers] license and wear your own
1724%underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!
1724%-- Principal Skinner to Otto, ``Otto Show''
1725%Patty: [laughs spontaneously]
1725%Selma: What's so funny?
1725%Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the
1725% toaster.
1725%Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.
1725%-- ``Otto Show''
1726%You failed every segment, and misspelled `bus' on your application.
1726%-- Patty administers Otto's driving test, ``Otto Show''
1727%Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and
1727%put on an eviction notice!
1727%-- Otto, ``Otto Show''
1728%Otto: Can I at least get my stuff?
1728%Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old
1728% `Psycho' magazines.
1728%Otto: Wow! I have mustard?
1728%-- Otto gets evicted, ``Otto Show''
1729%Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster?
1729%Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line.
1729% This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.
1729%-- His summer home is the aluminum recycle bin down the street, ``Otto Show''
1730%Marge: What's going on?
1730%Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this
1730% afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
1730%Marge: What conversation?
1730%Bart: [turns on a tape recorder]
1730%Tape: [Bart] ``Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?''
1730% [bad imitation of Marge] ``He sure can!''
1730%Homer: Marge, what were you thinking!
1730%Marge: That's not my voice!
1730%Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
1730%-- ``Otto Show''
1731%Otto: Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!
1731%Homer: Forget it! That lie didn't work for my dad, and it's not
1731% going to work for you!
1731%-- ``Otto Show''
1732%Marge: Doesn't the Bible say, ``Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers,
1732% that you do unto me''?
1732%Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say ``Thou shalt not take... moochers
1732% into thy... hut''?
1732%-- ``Otto Show''
1733%Bart: Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house and
1733% chip in a few bucks whenever he can.
1733%Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.
1733%Otto: Wow! What's the catch?
1733%-- The catch is, you have to stay with the Simpsons, ``Otto Show''
1734%Homer: Will you knock it off, I can't hear myself think!
1734% [the music stops]
1734% [thinks] I want some peanuts.
1734% [aloud] That's better!
1734%-- ``Otto Show''
1735%Homer: Hey, how come you never play your guitar any more?
1735%Bart: I'll tell ya the truth, Dad. I wasn't goot at it right away, so
1735% I quit. I hope you're not mad.
1735%Homer: [sweetly] Son, come here! Heh heh heh...
1735% [Bart sits on Homer's knee]
1735% Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not
1735% worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your
1735% short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll
1735% go inside and watch TV.
1735%-- ``Otto Show''
1736%Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?
1736%Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who
1736% knows how to fake his own death.
1736%-- ``Otto Show''
1737%I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time. This time, I'm hung over!
1737%-- Otto dreads his driving test, ``Otto Show''
1738%Bart: You can do it, Otto! You're the coolest adult I ever met!
1738%Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. ...
1738% I've been tried as one, but...
1738%-- ``Otto Show''
1739%``Alcohol imcreases your ability to drive.'' [looks up the answer]
1739%``False''!? Oh, man!
1739%-- Otto studies for his driving test, ``Otto Show''
1740%Bart: Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball!
1740%Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future!
1740%Bart: Really?
1740%Milhouse: Uh huh.
1740%Bart: [takes it] Will I pass my English test? [shakes it]
1740% [reads] ``Outlook not so good''.
1740% Wow, it <does> work!
1740%-- Ask me no questions, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1741%Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students.
1741%Other principals try to unload problem cases that way.
1741%Lord knows <I> do...
1741%-- Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1742%Ms.K: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear.
1742%Samantha: Uh huh.
1742%Ms.K: So, why don't you stand in front of the class and tell us about
1742% yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
1742%-- Introducing a new student, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1743%Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy
1743%target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car
1743%and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film.
1743%-- Ms. Krabappel, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1744%Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step
1744%out into the hall and pray for our souls.
1744%-- Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1745%Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such
1745%educational films as ``Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly'' and ``Here
1745%Comes the Metric System!''
1745%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1746%I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner.
1746%And now, here's... ``Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''...
1746%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1747%This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing,
1747%he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before.
1747%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1748%She's faking it.
1748%-- Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1749%Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful little bunnies.
1749%Eight survived.
1749%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1750%And now that you know how it's done... Don't do it.
1750%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1751%Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
1751%Ms.K: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and
1751% marry out of fear of dying alone. [chuckles]
1751%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1752%Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
1752%Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
1752%Bart: God shmod! I want my monkey-man!
1752%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1753%Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress.
1753%Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it. I hate it.
1753%Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too!
1753%-- Flexibility in crisis, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1754%Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!
1754%-- Otto, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1755%My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar. 4:15 to 4:20!
1755%-- Otto, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1756%Samantha: Hi.
1756%Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt?
1756%Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
1756%Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?
1756%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1757%Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese?
1757%Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two
1757%fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind
1757%it is a very big canyon.
1757%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1758%I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
1758%-- Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream), ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1759%We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich,
1759%creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
1759%We call it the Good Morning Burger.
1759%-- Homer watches a television advertisement, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1760%Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk
1760%you're running.
1760%-- Bart, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1761%We start with pure milk chocolate...
1761%Add a layer of farm-fresh honey...
1761%Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar...
1761%And dip it in rich, creamery butter...
1761%-- The candy bar from hell, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1762%Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting
1762% or lifting a finger?
1762%Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag!
1762%-- You did ask, after all, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1763%Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep.
1763% As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your
1763% brain telling you to eat less.
1763%Homer: Lose weight <and> listen to New Age music? Wow!
1763%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1764%Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
1764%Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic repacity knows no satieties.
1764%-- Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake,
1764% ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1765%Bart: All they do is kiss.
1765%Marge: How cute! [turns to leave, then catches herself]
1765% They don't open their mouths, do they?
1765%Bart: No.
1765%Marge: How cute!
1765%-- Both feet on the ground, please. ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1766%This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully
1766%lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes!
1766%-- Martin, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1767%Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants.
1767%-- Man to woman in bed, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1768%Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination
1768% runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened.
1768%Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I...
1768%Mr.Stanky: That's enough!
1768%-- Guilt by association, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1769%How could this happen?
1769%We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
1769%-- Milhouse, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1770%Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years,
1770% man will have another finger. [shows an artist's conception
1770% of a five-fingered hand]
1770%Bart: Five fingers? Ewwww! Freak show!
1770%-- Only for some, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1771%Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food...
1771%Marge: You mean, a spoon?
1771%Homer: Yeah, yeah!
1771%-- It was on the tip of my tongue, ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1772%Bart: How are we going to find her?
1772%Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.
1772%-- Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls,
1772% ``(Milhouse in Love)''
1773%Bart: Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the
1773% penguin house.
1773%Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian [School].
1773% It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns.
1773% They're very nice, except they never let me ewt.
1773%-- ``(Milhouse in Love)''
====================== End of Part 10 of 10 =========================
Thomas A. Warren
script to get a random quote from the Simpsons `master' quote file.
---------------- CUT TO HERE AND SAVE TO A FILE -------------
#! /bin/sh
#-------------------------------------------------------------------------
#
# WHAT: Simpsons fortune shell script.
#
# INSTALL: To install, set the QUOTE_FILE to your
# favorite quote file below. Then change
# the file permission mode to execute
# (i.e., chmod +x thisfile).
# HISTORY:
# Slight tweek by Tom War...@springfield.bellcore.com (5/9/92)
# Originally by Steve Swales dated 9/20/90 (Created: 9/20/90)
#
#-------------------------------------------------------------------------
#
# Disclaimer: This script has not been thoroughly tested.
# Bug report should be sent to t...@springfield.bellcore.com.
#
#-------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUOTE={ENTER A PATH TO YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE FILE HERE}
num=`tail -1 $QUOTE | sed 's/[a-Z%\-].*//g' | awk '{ printf("%s",$1) }' `
a=`expr $$ % $num`
# Notice that the Simpsons Quotes begins with 1
expr " `expr $a + 1`" : '.*\(.....\)' | join -t% -o 2.2 - $QUOTE
#-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thomas A. Warren
would work in some cases. Therefore, I have made a small change to the
script. This line
num=`tail -1 $QUOTE | sed 's/[a-Z%\-].*//g' | awk '{ printf("%s",$1) }' `
should be changed to
num=`tail -1 $QUOTE | sed 's/%/ %/' | awk '{ printf($1) }' `
For those with problems, try the C program that I posted earlier.
It should be more portable.
And yes, only I know where springfield is. :)