A re-written Simpsons script: "Bart Joins The Militia"
....What Is?....
Only about half this script comes from the old "Bart Joins The Militia"
script. The rest is new. (Some of it comes from older scripts. I've
started recycling the good parts of scripts no one liked. :-)
I'm pretty sure this incorporates all of the feedback I got from posting
the original version.
Let me know what you think!
Steven Boswell
wha...@yyz.com
The Simpsons
"Bart Joins The Militia"
Written by
Steven Boswell
ACT ONE
EXT. HERMAN'S SURPLUS STORE
A bunch of quasi-military types, most in uniform, many
carrying guns, are entering Herman's store. A big banner on
the front proclaims "Special event today!" BART, sipping on
a Squishee, happens to walk by. He sees all the people
walking in, then he sees the sign.
BART
Special event today? Cool!
Bart imagines what it could be. First he imagines an atomic
bomb demonstration, using Springfield Elementary as ground
zero. Then he imagines a jet fighter demonstration, where
again they blow up Springfield Elementary. His dream
sequence ends, and overjoyed, he bounds into the store.
CUT TO:
INT. HERMAN'S STORE
HERMAN stands behind the counter, looking happy. Bart bounds
up to him.
BART
What's the event? What's the event?
HERMAN
A book lecture!
BART
What?! Phbbt. I thought your store was
cool.
HERMAN
C'mon, Bart, stick around! You might
learn something!
Bart walks into the adjoining room.
BART
Learn something, huh? I'll try anything
once.
HERMAN
THAT'S the spirit!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HERMAN'S STORE - ADJOINING ROOM - VIEW FROM BACK
There are twenty five folding chairs set up; twelve are
filled. The people in the audience look kinda whacked --
it's a bunch of extremist militia types. The front of the
room has the original American flag, the one with thirteen
stars in a circle, hung upside down. There's also a
blackboard, a folding table, and a podium. ROD UNGULATE
stands at the podium.
ROD UNGULATE
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for
coming. (CLEARS THROAT) You all know my
commitment to expose the truth, no
matter what the price. Thanks to my
earlier books, we now have the real
story of the FBI. And the ATF. AND the
NSA. (LEANS IN, SLITS EYES) I've even
unearthed government agencies so secret
-- they don't even have a name.
VIEW FROM FRONT OF ROOM
AUDIENCE
(GASP)
The militia wackos in the audience angrily brandish their
guns.
VIEW FROM BACK OF ROOM
ROD UNGULATE (CONT.)
But I knew there was more. The
corruption runs deep in Washington, but
no one, not even me, ever dreamed how
deep it really went. Well, now, I've
pulled all the threads, unearthed all
the skeletons, and have written all
about it in my new book--
Rod Ungulate displays a nicely-bound hardcover book.
ROD UNGULATE (CONT.)
--"Who's Watching The Watchers Who Watch
The Watcher's Watchers".
VIEW FROM FRONT OF ROOM
AUDIENCE
(OOHS, AAHS)
CLOSE-UP OF BART
Bart mouths the word "watch" a few times, then counts to
five on his fingers (using both hands), then lets his hands
drop out of sight. His eyes are wide with awe.
BART
Whoa... in-depth research!
VIEW OF FRONT OF ROOM - A LITTLE LATER
The lecture is over. People are waiting in line to get their
book signed. Bart gets to the front of the line.
ROD UNGULATE
Hello, young American. What's your name?
Bart hands Rod Ungulate his copy of the book.
BART
Bart Simpson, sir.
Rod Ungulate starts writing a message in the book.
BART (CONT.)
That was a great lecture! I never knew
our government was so (EYES DILATING)
WEIRD! I'm gonna run out and buy a gun!
Rod Ungulate smiles beatifically.
ROD UNGULATE
I love my job.
Rod Ungulate finishes up what he was writing, and hands the
book back to Bart.
WIDER SHOT
Bart walks toward the CAMERA a bit, away from the signing
table. Bart looks at what Rod Ungulate wrote in his book.
INSIDE OF BOOK
"To Bart Simpson, part of the new generation of American
patriots fighting for our Second Amendment rights and
against the encroachment of our civil liberties by the New
World Order conspiracy."
BART (V.O.)
Guh?
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY & GARAGE
The garage door is open. MARGE is inside the garage, and NED
FLANDERS is leaving with a bunch of stuff in his arms. HOMER
pulls up in his car, tires SQUEALING, and parks in the
driveway. He gets out of the car and CLOSES the door.
HOMER
Hey, what's going on?
NED FLANDERS
Howdy doo, neighbor! I just thought I'd
take back some of the stuff you've
borrowed over the years. Ta!
ZOOM IN ON GARAGE
The shelves are bare. The floor only has a piece of oil-
stained cardboard. Marge looks apprehensive.
HOMER (V.O.)
D'oh!
Homer enters the garage. Now the CAMERA can see him.
HOMER (CONT.)
Oh, Marge, he took it all! Don't I have
ANYTHING of my own? (LOOKS TO RIGHT)
Wait!
RIGHT SIDE OF GARAGE
An oil pan sits on an otherwise bare shelf. The inside looks
complex, as if it's been sitting around for a long time.
HOMER
No, this is his too. Why did he leave me
his oil pan?
MARGE
Mmmmmm... the oil's been in there so
long, it evolved and became self-aware.
It's demanding a bill of rights. Ned
thought YOU should deal with it.
Marge walks back in the house, leaving Homer alone with the
oil pan.
HOMER
Oh, OUR Bill of Rights isn't good enough
for you, eh? (MUTTERING) Stupid
Flanders... palming off his political
troubles on me...
Homer picks up the oil pan, walks over to the garage sink,
and POURS the oil down the drain. We hear lots of QUIET
LITTLE SCREAMS. He TURNS ON the FAUCET and then LAUGHS
EVILLY.
Ned Flanders returns.
NED FLANDERS
Hey, neighbor! Clever little
civilization you got there, isn't it?
Did you know they've invented cold
fusion? You're gonna be rich! Anyhoo,
just came by to get my cardboard. See
ya!
Ned Flanders grabs the cardboard on the floor and leaves.
HOMER
D'oh!
Homer SHUTS OFF the faucet.
HOMER (CONT.)
I'll get you for this, you stupid...
neighbor. Letting me borrow stuff and
then taking it back. Pfff!
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BART'S ROOM - VIEW TOWARD HIS DOOR
His door is open. Bart is sitting on his bed, reading his
new book. The cover is facing toward the door. LISA walks
by, heading downstairs.
BART
(READING SOMETHING) Coooolll...
Lisa looks at Bart and sees that he's reading a book. She
mouths the word "watch" a few times, counts up to five on
her fingers (using both of her hands), and frowns. She
enters Bart's room.
LISA
What on Earth are you reading?
BART
(READING) Hey Lis, did you know that
black helicopters from the United
Nations are invading our country? It's
all part of the New World Order
conspiracy!
Lisa takes the book from him.
BART
Hey!
LISA
(READING) Far be it for me to discourage
you from reading, but couldn't you have
picked something that doesn't warp your
impressionable young mind?
BART
It's no worse than our history
textbook...
LISA
Chapter 19, TIME TRAVEL?!
BART
They go back in time to cover up the
conspiracy. That's why there's no
evidence! This guy is the first person
EVER to uncover that!
LISA
I don't even know where to BEGIN telling
you what's wrong with that.
Bart takes his book back.
BART
That's just what they WANT you to
believe.
Lisa rolls her eyes. Bart stabs the book at Lisa while he
makes his next point.
BART (CONT.)
You know, one day you're going to have
to stop believing everything you read in
books.
Lisa GROANS and leaves. Bart goes back to reading his book.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Homer, Marge, and MAGGIE are on the couch, watching TV. The
news is on. We see KENT BROCKMAN standing in front of some
prison cells. Lisa walks up and watches TV.
ON TV
KENT BROCKMAN
Hello everyone, this is Kent Brockman,
coming to you live from the Springfield
State Prison. Today, the Babysitter
Bandit will start serving thirty-four
consecutive life sentences... with
possibility of parole in seven years.
BACK TO LIVING ROOM VIEW
LISA
Gasp! (RUNS UPSTAIRS) Bart! Bart!
Kent Brockman paces to the right, passing a few other cells
with other prisoners, and finally comes to the BABYSITTER
BANDIT. She's standing in front of an open cell, is
surrounded by prison guards, and is being let out of her
handcuffs.
ON TV
KENT BROCKMAN
After what some people dubbed "The Trial
Of The Century", Lucille Marianne
Botzukowski was finally convicted of 126
burglaries, 37 aggravated assaults, and
4 package bombings done to force
newspapers to publish her anti-
technology manifesto.
BACK TO LIVING ROOM VIEW
Kent Brockman continues to talk but we can't tell what he's
saying. Lisa walks in, wearing her "America's Most Armed And
Dangerous" t-shirt over her normal red dress. Bart walks in,
struggling to get his shirt on. Once he does, he sees who's
on TV. Bart and Lisa high-five each other.
BART AND LISA
YES!
BART
Yeah, WE bad!
HOMER
Shhh! I'm trying to hear this!
Bart and Lisa quiet down and sit on the couch.
CLOSE-UP OF TV
The Babysitter Bandit stands in her cell, looking pensive
but angry.
KENT BROCKMAN
And now, the moment of sentencing has
arrived.
ALTERNATE BETWEEN TV AND CLOSE-UP OF HOMER
As the cell door SCREECHES on its tracks to close, Homer
stares expectantly, mouth open, eyes glazed. Finally, the
cell door closes with a BIG METALLIC CLINK.
INT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - VIEW OF COUCH
Homer jumps off the couch and starts dancing around.
HOMER
Woo hoo! In your face, you stupid wacko!
(SING-SONGY) You can't bomb me now, ha-
ha, you can't bomb me now-ow...
MARGE
(APPALLED) Homer, stop that!
Homer stops dancing around and turns to look at Marge.
HOMER
Admit it, Marge, you've been dying to do
that ever since they caught her.
MARGE
What if she gets released some day?
HOMER
Phbbt. They'd never let someone like HER
out. She's a danger to society.
MARGE
What if the President pardoned her?
Homer clasps his hands to the side of his head and looks
terrified.
HOMER
Aaaaugh! The President would do anything
to get re-elected!
Homer runs off, screaming.
MARGE
Mmmmmph.
ON TV
Kent Brockman is dancing around (like Homer was) and razzing
the Babysitter Bandit, who just stands there in her cell,
glaring at him.
KENT BROCKMAN
And nobody read your STUPID manifesto,
either! HA! Phbbt. Wooga wooga wooga!
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FRONT
Bart walks up to the house, HUMMING a happy tune and lugging
a large case on his back.
PAN LEFT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - SIDE YARD
Homer is standing at the fence, glaring. A lot of white
cloudy stuff is coming from Ned's yard.
HOMER
Hey Ned, control (COUGH!) your barbecue
already, wouldya? (COUGH!) You're
smoking out my back yard!
Ned Flanders emerges from the cloud wearing a contamination
suit. He meets Homer at the fence.
NED FLANDERS
Sorry, neighboroony, but that's not
smoke, that's dust! I'm cleaning all the
stuff I found in your garage.
Ned Flanders re-enters the dust cloud.
NED FLANDERS (CONT.)
I'm about halfway done, so just hold
your horses, and try not to breathe!
HOMER
(COUGH! COUGH!) Fine! I'll just stand
here and hold my breath until I turn
blue in the face!
Homer takes a DEEP BREATH and then starts COUGHING
VIOLENTLY.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Lisa sits, watching TV. Homer's COUGHING is MUFFLED.
ON TV
It's an episode of "Itchy & Scratchy" called "Cat Splat
Fever II".
INT. FLYING FORTRESS
Mice are at the controls. ITCHY is the pilot. Itchy PUSHES
THE BUTTON to drop a bomb.
EXT. FLYING FORTRESS - BELOW
The bomb bay doors OPEN, and out FALLS SCRATCHY, holding the
controls of a manually-steered bomb.
EXT. TRACKING SCRATCHY AS HE FALLS
He PLUMMETS to the ground, SCREAMING, as his face pulls back
from the force of the wind. He winds haphazardly toward the
Earth.
EXT. TARGET AREA
Scratchy totally misses the target. The bomb EXPLODES, and
Scratchy is demolished.
INT. FLYING FORTRESS
Itchy SIGHS and looks at a chart titled "Feline-Controlled
Smart Bomb Test". Fifty tests, forty-nine "failure"
checkboxes marked. Itchy sadly marks the fiftieth "failure"
box.
WIDER VIEW
Itchy is standing next to a highly-decorated "general"
mouse. Itchy shrugs sheepishly. The general mouse smiles,
hands Itchy a wad of cash (SFX: CASH-REGISTER SOUND), and an
authorization to repeat the test with 1000 cats.
EVEN WIDER VIEW
All the mice in the plane CHEER.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - VIEW OF COUCH
SFX: I&S ENDING CREDITS. Lisa is LAUGHING her head off.
VIEW FROM COUCH
Lisa watches as Bart ENTERS the house, carrying his case. He
walks up the stairs. Lisa follows.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON'S HOUSE - INSIDE BART'S ROOM - VIEW TOWARD DOOR
Bart is sitting on his bed, admiring the case. Lisa walks
in.
LISA
What do you have there, Bart?
Bart smiles, OPENS the case, and pulls out a bad-ass looking
assault rifle!
BART
A Diamond P-150 assault rifle. (CREEPY)
It goes through SCHOOLS.
LISA
(SHYING AWAY) Ewww! Where did you get
that?!
BART
At a Branch Davidian garage sale!
They've fallen on hard times, I guess.
LISA
Bart, don't you think your sick
obsession with violence has gone far
enough?!
BART
Not nearly...!
Bart puts the gun back in its case.
BART (CONT.)
Herman invited me to a meeting with the
Springfield Independent Militia! We're
going to practice repelling a UN
invasion!
Lisa glares at him.
BART
Hey, if they're wrong, nothing happens!
But if they're right... well, I'll be
ready for Armageddon!
Lisa covers her eyes in disgust. Bart edges toward the
window and peeks out.
BART
Is it Armageddon yet?
LISA
(DISGUSTED) NO!
BART
All right, I can wait.
LISA
Bart, violence is never justified!
BART
Yes it is!
LISA
No it isn't!
BART
Is!
LISA
Isn't!
Homer walks by.
BART
Hey dad, can you settle an argument?
Homer walks into Bart's room and sits down on his bed.
HOMER
Sure, boy. Shoot.
LISA
Don't SAY that!
BART
Dad, is violence ever justified?
HOMER
Heh-heh. Son, this whole country was
founded on violence! We fought for our
independence, we massacred the Indians,
we hunted the buffalo to extinction, and
now we're polluting the air to catch
what we missed! Violence is not only
justified... it's the American way!
BART
(SMARMY) See, Lis? I told you so!
Lisa rolls her eyes.
LISA
Will you at least talk to Grandpa first?
He knows Herman better than anyone.
BART
I'm seeing Grandpa first anyway. He said
he had some old grenades he was never
going to use.
HOMER
Hey boy, that reminds me. The Flanders'
barbecue is smoking out the backyard!
Got anything we can blow it up with?
BART
(GETTING HIS GUN) Do I ever!
Bart takes his gun out of his case. Homer is awed.
HOMER
Oooooh... look at that! Does it go
through schools?
BART
That's what the instructions said!
Bart walks to the window, aims his gun, and FIRES. There is
a DEAFENING BOOM and a bright flash. Homer and Bart cover
their eyes. Ned Flanders WAILS. Homer and Bart stare out the
window, dumbstruck.
BART
Whooa... that made a crater!
NED FLANDERS (V.O.)
My barbecue... my barbecue!
MAUDE FLANDERS (V.O.)
Neddy, did you buy the bargain brand gas
again?
Homer and Bart share a HEARTY LAUGH. Lisa storms out.
LISA (V.O.)
Mom, please tell me I'm adopted!
MARGE (V.O.)
Mmmm... sorry, honey.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - ESTABLISHING
INT. GRANDPA'S ROOM - CLOSE-UP OF GRANDPA
Grandpa is very animated.
GRANDPA
Herman is the greatest patriot this
country has ever seen! Many people talk
about random violence and the arming of
America, but he's actually doing
something about it! He was so good, the
government had to deny his existence and
cover it all up with a phony
dishonorable discharge! He...
Grandpa abruptly falls asleep and SNORES.
WIDER VIEW
Bart stares at him a bit, then prods him.
GRANDPA
(WAKING) Huh? What?
BART
You were telling me about Herman.
GRANDPA
Oh, that horrible man! He scares the
panty hose off me, boy. I've seen stuff
in his store that made my blood curdle,
and it's already pretty lumpy. Stay as
far away from him as you can, if you
know what's good for you.
BART
Grandpa, you're contradicting yourself!
GRANDPA
(SADLY) I know. It's a problem I've had
for a long time.
ZOOM IN TO:
INT. A ROOM INSIDE GRANDPA'S BRAIN
The first shot is of SERGEANT SIMPSON of the Flying
Hellfish, strangling someone OFF-CAMERA.
SERGEANT SIMPSON
I can't stand you any longer! I'm going
to finish you off once and for all!
WIDER SHOT
We see that Sergeant Simpson is fighting with a totally
dolled-up TRANSVESTITE version of Abe Simpson.
TRANSVESTITE ABE
Oh, you'd LOVE to do that, WOULDN'T you,
big boy?
Transvestite Abe breaks free of Sergeant Simpson's grasp and
gives him a big wet one on the lips.
SERGEANT SIMPSON
Yecch! Bleah! Ptui! Grrrrrr..!
Sergeant Simpson attacks. They start rolling on the floor,
fighting to kill each other.
ZOOM OUT TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - GRANDPA'S ROOM
At one point, we can see both the fight in Grandpa's brain
and Grandpa. The fight dislodges a big electrical cord that
was plugged into the wall. The instant it unplugs, Grandpa
falls asleep, SNORING. The scene in Grandpa's brain
disappears.
Bart once again wakes Grandpa up. Grandpa puts his arm
around Bart and flashes a knowing smile.
GRANDPA
Herman's a good guy.
BART
(UNCONVINCED MOAN)
EXT. SPRINGFIELD BADLANDS - MILITIA TRAINING GROUNDS
The militia wackos from the book lecture are here, all in
camoflague. An old, run-down trailer, further back in the
scene, serves as the HQ. It's flying the upside-down
thirteen-stars-in-a-circle American flag. Some soldiers,
including Bart, are standing at attention. In front of them
is a ragged-looking DRILL SERGEANT. If possible, he's played
by Steve Martin.
DRILL SERGEANT
OK, men, here's the drill. The New World
Order conspiracy has taken that hill
(POINTS) over there.
Bart looks around uncomfortably.
DRILL SERGEANT (CONT.)
Your job is to storm it and eliminate
all resistance. That's it: any
questions?
Bart raises his hand.
DRILL SERGEANT
(PEEVED) Yes, yes, what is it???
BART
(SHYLY) Um... pardon me for asking, but
it looks like everyone here has live
ammo.
DRILL SERGEANT
Good point! We're using live ammo, men,
so try not to hit anyone. Of course, if
there were REAL UN soldiers on that
hill, I'd expect you to hit them dead-
on. Now GO!
The SOLDIERS run off with a BLOOD-CURDLING ROAR. Bart
SWALLOWS nervously and then follows behind, slowly.
CUT TO:
EXT. INDIANAPOLIS 500 - PIT AREA
A car pulls in. The pit crew start servicing it. One of them
removes the oil cap. In a flash, the superintelligent puddle
of oil jumps into the engine.
As the announcer says his next line, the pit crew finish
servicing the car.
ANNOUNCER
And would you look at that, a
superintelligent puddle of oil has
jumped into the engine block of Big Bob
Lowery's car!
Big Bob Lowery's car is just eating up the track now. He's
passing all the drivers, swerving deftly in and out to avoid
them.
ANNOUNCER
Wow! Look at Big Bob Lowery go! That
superintelligent oil is a miracle!
AWARDS CEREMONY (AFTER RACE)
Big Bob Lowery is presented with the trophy. His car's oil
cap comes off, and the superintelligent puddle of oil leaps
out, forms a hand, and offers it to Bob. Bob shakes it, and
burns the dickens out of his hand, since the oil is engine-
hot.
CUT TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD BADLANDS - MILITIA TRAINING GROUND - TOP OF
HILL
Bart enters the scene as he climbs to the top of the hill.
He's breathing heavily, and his face is awash with violence
lust. SFX: BATTLEFIELD.
BART
Oh, man... if it feels this good, it
CAN'T be wrong!
A GUNSHOT rings out. Bart's hair parts, and he ducks and
winces. He turns around to see the drill sergeant holding a
smoking gun.
BART
Hey, man, watch where you fire that
thing!
DRILL SERGEANT
Don't talk to me that way! I'M the
sheriff of the Independent Republic of
Springfield County! (TRADEMARK STEVE
MARTIN BLISSFUL SMILE)
ZOOM IN ON BART
BART
(UNDER HIS BREATH) God forbid.
SFX: THUNDER.
GOD (V.O.)
I do, don't worry.
BART
(HAPPY) Phew! (SURPRISED, LOOKING UP)
Huh?
SLIGHTLY WIDER VIEW
The drill sergeant is behind Bart.
DRILL SERGEANT
Hearing the voice of God, Bart?
BART
(EMBARRASSED) Um, yeah.
DRILL SERGEANT
You'll make a FINE addition to the
militia!
BART
(DEPRESSED) Oh, man...
CUT TO:
EXT. STREETS OF SOME CITY - ESTABLISHING
INT. COP CAR
There are two cops in here.
COP #1
Man, this sure is a tough area of town.
COP #2
Thank goodness for our superintelligent
puddle of oil!
OUTSIDE CAR
Near the back door is painted "Spoo on board!"
Suddenly, some bad guys pull in front of the cops and start
shooting. The oil leaps into action. It jumps out of the cop
car and onto the tires of the bad guys' car. The bad guys
spin out of control and crash. The cops pull up and
apprehend the bad guys.
COP #2
The streets are safe again... thanks to
the OIL!
Both cops CHEER, WHISTLE, and APPLAUD. The oil forms the
figure of a person, and bows over and over.
CUT TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD BADLANDS - MILITIA TRAINING CAMP
Bart sits on the ground, moping. Herman walks up and sits
down next to him.
HERMAN
Anything wrong, Bart?
BART
(THROWING A ROCK) Oh, I dunno. I get to
blow things up, but... these guys...
they're just not right.
Bart looks away.
NEARBY (I.E. WHERE BART IS LOOKING)
Two SOLDIERS point their guns at a GOPHER. (Soldier #2's gun
is a grenade launcher.) The gopher is sticking his head out of
a hole in the ground. Its hands are up.
SOLDIER #1
C'mon, you dirty rotten UN dupe! Tell us
what you know!
SOLDIER #2
Yeah, or we'll blow your cute little
furry face all over our hallowed
American soil!
The drill sergeant walks up to them, annoyed.
DRILL SERGEANT
What in blazes are you doing, men?
They look up. The gopher SCREECHES and disappears into the
hole.
SOLDIER #1
We're practicing our interrogation, sir.
DRILL SERGEANT
Oh, well, that's OK.
SOLDIER #2
We weren't REALLY gonna shoot him.
SOLDIER #1
(POINTING TO SOLDIER #2'S GUN) Yeah,
especially since THAT'S a grenade
launcher.
DRILL SERGEANT
Then carry on!
The drill sergeant starts to leave.
DRILL SERGEANT (CONT.)
Although your quarry has escaped.
Both soldiers stare at the hole, wild-eyed.
SOLDIER #1
Why, that furry little--!
SOLDIER #2
Deploy shovels!
They grab shovels and start DIGGING wildly.
SOLDIER #2
Come back here! You can't get away from
us!
Soldier #1 stops digging and leans on his shovel.
SOLDIER #1
Hey, is this a realistic combat
scenario?
Soldier #2 stops digging and leans on his shovel.
SOLDIER #2
It MIGHT be. You never know WHAT the UN
has up its sleeves. Maybe the gophers
are ALREADY on their side! Maybe they've
been trained to infiltrate our yards,
dig up our flower beds, and plant
bugging devices!
SOLDIER #1
Good point.
Both soldiers go back to digging.
ON BART AND HERMAN
BART
See what I mean?
HERMAN
Bart, let me tell you something. Your
grandfather and I are very close.
Whenever the police raid my store and
confiscate my illegal weapons, he's
there for me.
BART
(TOUCHED) Ahhh...
HERMAN
It's a tough world out there, Bart. It's
getting more civilized every day, and
nothing's being done to stop it.
BART
Bummer.
HERMAN
They say soldiering is... a lost art.
That there's no use for it in a
civilized world. That we're...
anachronistic. Did you know they're
sending the Army on humanitarian
missions now?! They don't FIGHT any
more; instead, they give out FOOD, fer
crissakes! (SHUDDERS)
Bart puts his hand on Herman's shoulder as Herman wipes away
a tear.
Herman stands up proudly. Bart follows. SFX: PATRIOTIC
MUSIC. A few of the other soldiers start to crowd around.
HERMAN (CONT.)
That's why I joined the Springfield
Independent Militia. It's a group of
like-minded individuals, working
together to preserve the most important
traditions of the U.S. Armed Forces!
BART
What are those, sir?
HERMAN
Honor... duty... sacrifice... (LOUDLY)
and killing people, dammit!
ALL SOLDIERS
Yeah!!! (CHEERING)
Herman puts his hand on Bart's shoulder.
HERMAN
It's time for your initiation.
BART
(STOKED) Woooow!
CUT TO:
INT. SECRET INITIATION HALL
It's a blend of military, Freemason, and fraternity
elegance. Flaming cauldrons provide the only light. Everyone
has strange robes on.
DRILL SERGEANT
Springfield Independent Militia
regulations, chapter 78, paragraphs 2
through j: in order to join, the new
recruit must blow up... a federal
building.
BART
That's kind of extreme, isn't it?
DRILL SERGEANT
(FLIPPING PAGES) Oh, sorry, that was for
Three-Star General. In order to become a
PRIVATE, you only have to blow up a fast-
food restaurant.
BART
THAT I can do.
CUT TO:
EXT. SECRET INITIATION HALL - AFTER
Everyone is walking out, talking to each other. Bart and
Herman walk out.
HERMAN
Welcome aboard, young Simpson.
BART
Thanks! I can't wait to defend the
Constitution by violating federal law!
HERMAN
(WIPING AWAY A TEAR) You're an
inspiration to this old warhorse...
(NUDGING BART) One day... when you're
older... I'll tell you about some of the
fringe benefits of being a soldier out
on the battlefield.
BART
(SLYLY) I think I already know what they
are.
HERMAN
You mean...?
BART
(NODDING KNOWINGLY) Collateral damage.
HERMAN
Yep!
BART
Civilian deaths!
HERMAN
(CORRECTING) ACCIDENTAL civilian deaths.
BART & HERMAN
Woo hoo!
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - ESTABLISHING
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BART'S ROOM
Milhouse is here too.
BART
Now's our chance to get into a WHOLE
lotta trouble.
Bart whips out a pack of cigarettes!
MILHOUSE
Bart, what are you doing? Cigarettes are
dangerous!
BART
Phbbbt. I'm not dumb enough to actually
smoke them! Now hand me that black
gunpowder.
Milhouse hands Bart a leather satchel. Bart starts to pour
gunpowder into a handmade bomb casing.
BART (CONT.)
The cigarette acts as a ten-minute delay
fuse for the bomb.
CUT TO:
INT. KRUSTY BURGER
Bart and Milhouse are there, eating their food.
MILHOUSE
Has it been ten minutes yet, Bart?
BART
Almost.
The bomb goes off outside. The glass front doors shatter.
People scream and dive for the ground. Bart and Milhouse try
to hold back their laughter. Krusty comes running from the
back of the store, panicked. He stops and gapes.
KRUSTY
(CRYING) Wah hah, noooo! (CALMER, ANGRY)
It's McDonald's... it's gotta be
McDonald's! They've been harassing me
for MONTHS over "eerie similarities"
between their burger chain and mine.
Krusty turns around and faces the counter.
KRUSTY
(TO CASHIER) Get my lawyer on the phone!
CASHIER
Yes, sir!
ON PHONE
There are four speed-dial buttons, labeled "Mexican
Embassy", "FDA", "Lawyer", and "Racetrack". The cashier's
hand picks up the receiver, and the other hand pushes the
"Lawyer" button.
PREVIOUS VIEW
Krusty stands there, fuming. A customer walks up.
CUSTOMER
Excuse me, sir... can I get another
burger?
KRUSTY
No!
CUSTOMER
But this one has glass in it, from the
explosion.
KRUSTY
How do I know that glass wasn't in there
already?!
CUT TO:
INT. MOE'S TAVERN - LATER
The usual gang is there, including Homer and Barney. The TV
is showing the nightly news. Their topic, in big letters, is
"The Krusty Burger Blast".
ON TV
KENT BROCKMAN
IS it the end of the world, or is it
merely a frightening escalation in
domestic terrorism?
MOE'S TAVERN
Barney and Homer watch, awed.
BARNEY
Wow... I'd gladly give up my civil
rights to combat such a menace!
HOMER
Phbbt. We CAN'T give up our rights. The
CONSTITUTION won't let us.
BARNEY
Oh, no!
ON TV
KENT BROCKMAN
At first the Babysitter Bandit was
suspected, but she denied guilt, and the
police had to admit that being in jail
was a pretty good excuse. Burger magnate
Krusty The Clown had this to say.
The TV shows Brockman interviewing Krusty the Clown. Krusty
is chain-smoking.
KRUSTY
Woah! I had to replace six Krusty
Burgers, three large Krusty fries...
(SNIFF)... and two Krusty sodas...
(SOB)... for free! (CRYING) Wah-hah...
Now the TV shows just Kent Brockman.
KENT BROCKMAN
Our mayor, Diamond Joe Quimby, vowed
swift action.
Now the TV shows Brockman interviewing Quimby.
QUIMBY
City Hall just passed a harsh anti-
terrorism bill, aimed at preventing
these attacks. We'll arrest without
warrant... we'll tap phones... we'll
scapegoat... we'll do whatever it takes
to end this menace!
KENT BROCKMAN
Thank you, Mr. Mayor!
MOE'S TAVERN
Moe is pleasantly surprised.
MOE
Wow! Finally, a government that works!
HOMER
Yeah, I've noticed a big difference
lately. Even the trains are running on
time!
CUT TO:
EXT. BLOWN-UP KRUSTY BURGER
Wiggum, wearing rubber gloves, inspects a piece of the bomb
casing he found. Krusty stands nearby, fretting.
WIGGUM
This bomb casing should tell us all we
need to know. Now normally, crime-scene
analysis is long and tedious, but here
in Springfield, we've discovered a way
to speed things up.
Wiggum reaches into his car and whips out a poster board,
with all of Bart's vital statistics, known aliases, evidence
of other crimes, fingerprints, etc. Wiggum dusts the bomb
casing for fingerprints, finds some, and matches them to
Bart's fingerprints on the poster board.
WIGGUM
(SIGHING) Thought so.
Wiggum puts all that stuff back in his car, then grabs the
microphone of his police radio.
WIGGUM
All units! Be on the lookout for Bart
Simpson! Yeah, that little punk again.
YOU know what he looks like.
CUT TO:
INT. TREEHOUSE
Bart and Milhouse are there.
BART
(CRACKING UP) Ha-ha-ha, did you see the
looks on their faces? Ha ha ha!
MILHOUSE
But what did it accomplish, Bart?
BART
Nothing. It was terrorism for its own
sake. Isn't that enough?
MILHOUSE
No! We should strike a blow for the
common good!
BART
Oh, great. We're getting mushy and
socially aware, like a TV show that's
been renewed way past its prime.
MILHOUSE
I was thinking of beating up bullies.
BART
Oh... OK, I'll do it. But ONLY for the
sake of beating them up. NOT for any
stupid social cause. I JUST want to make
that clear.
CUT TO:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - VIEW AROUND TREEHOUSE
A bunch of police, fire fighters, and paramedics pull up
around the house. A SWAT truck opens up and a bunch of
overtrained SWAT officers jump out, yelling "Hut! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut!" like in the Blues Brothers. Wiggum and another
OFFICER look up at the treehouse.
Wiggum struggles to hold a book open to a certain page. The
title is "Elementary Brutal Repression Techniques" by Joseph
Stalin and Richard M. Nixon, foreword by Bill Clinton.
Wiggum stares at the book as he speaks woodenly into the
megaphone.
WIGGUM
We know you're in there, so come out of
that... (QUIETER) what's that? A line? I
don't get it.
OFFICER
No, chief. It's a blank.
WIGGUM
Got it! (MEGAPHONE, WOODENLY) We know
you're in there, so come out of that
blank with your hands up, or we're
coming in after you.
ANGLE ON:
INT. TREEHOUSE
Bart and Milhouse are there. A kerosene lantern burns.
Milhouse looks scared.
BART
(SOFTLY, WILD-EYED, POLISHING GUN) I am
the Angel of Death... the time of
Purification is at hand...
MILHOUSE
Bart, you're creeping me out!
BART
C'mon, man, get in the spirit of things!
CUT TO:
EXT. AROUND TREEHOUSE
Wiggum stands next to a guy with a lot of eavesdropping
equipment. Suddenly, that guy takes off his headphones.
EAVESDROPPING COP
Chief, I think the suspect just quoted a
Bible verse!
WIGGUM
Oh my God! We've got a religious lunatic
on our hands! (THROUGH MEGAPHONE) Open
fire!
GUNFIRE erupts.
INT. TREEHOUSE
A barrage of bullets RIPS through the treehouse. Bart and
Milhouse SCREAM and dive to the ground. The kerosene lantern
is shot, and spills flaming oil everywhere. Five seconds
ORDNANCE then QUIET. The tree house is catching on fire.
CUT TO:
EXT. TREEHOUSE - NEAR WIGGUM
Wiggum looks terrified.
WIGGUM
Oh my God, it's a mass suicide!
The fire fighters hit the treehouse with big hoses. The
water enters the burning side of the treehouse and puts the
fire out. Then suddenly the back wall splinters and breaks
away; a torrent of water gushes out. Bart and Milhouse,
pushed by the water, scream "Aaaaaugh!" as they fly through
the air. They land with a thud on the ground.
ON BART AND MILHOUSE
They're laying on the soaking-wet ground, moaning in pain.
Wiggum arrives and handcuffs them.
WIGGUM
You have the right to remain silent...
BART
Wait... before you arrest me... my mom
says I need to grab a warm jacket.
The press arrives, and starts taking all sorts of flash
pictures.
PHOTOGRAPHER (V.O.)
They were shooting at little boys!
Wiggum tries to wave them away.
WIGGUM
Hey, c'mon, police work isn't always
photogenic...
Nearby, Kent Brockman reports.
KENT BROCKMAN
The question before us: SHOULD police be
allowed to use any tactics they want, as
long as they looks good on TV? This
reporter... thinks they should.
CUT TO:
EXT. POLICE STATION - ESTABLISHING
INT. JAIL
Bart and Milhouse are in separate cells. They both look
glum. There's a clinking of cell doors, and a guard walks
in. They look up.
GUARD
You've got visitors.
They run up to the bars. Milhouse's parent go to Milhouse's
cell. Lisa walks up to Bart's cell.
MILHOUSE'S MOM
We are very, very, very, very...
ON BART'S CELL
BART
Hi Lisa!
LISA
Hey Bart.
BART
Where's mom and dad?
LISA
They're at home. I guess seeing you in
jail has lost its novelty.
BART
(SAD) Ohhh.
LISA
Mom wanted me to make sure you brought a
warm jacket.
BART
(GLUM) I did, but they confiscated it.
ON MILHOUSE'S CELL
Milhouse is sobbing.
MILHOUSE'S MOM
...very, very, very disappointed in you.
MILHOUSE
(SPUTTERING) I'm sorry, mom!
MILHOUSE'S DAD
How could you DO something like this?!
MILHOUSE
Bart made me do it. It's all his fault!
MILHOUSE'S MOM
But the police wouldn't have arrested
you unless you were guilty. Don't you
know that's how it works?
CUT TO:
EXT. SPRINGFIELD SUPERIOR COURT - ESTABLISHING
INT. SPRINGFIELD SUPERIOR COURT - OUTSIDE DOORS
A posted sign says "Today: Jury selection for People vs.
Bart Simpson". Then the doors burst open to reveal a horde
of screaming, terrified people fleeing the courtroom. After
a while, the exodus stops. We can see the judge at his
bench, glaring.
INSIDE COURTROOM
The judge sighs. There are only a few potential jurors left
seated.
JUDGE
Well, that eliminates the ones that run
screaming as soon as they see him. How
many are left?
ON BAILIFF AND BART
The bailiff's gun is drawn, and he's holding back an angry
mob of fifteen people or so. Bart looks terrified.
BAILIFF
Twenty-three, sir.
PREVIOUS VIEW
JUDGE
Everyone that wants to kill Bart Simpson
is disqualified.
MOB
(DISAPPOINTED) Ohhhh...
The mob, heads hung low, shuffle out of the courtroom. Bart
gulps nervously.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SPRINGFIELD SUPERIOR COURT - BART'S TRIAL
Bart sits on the witness stand.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Now, Bart, we know you're the one that
set off the bomb. What we want to know
is, what conspiracy are you involved
with?
BART
Huh? I'm not involved with any
conspiracy!
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY
Answer the question, Bart! I want the
name of a conspiracy, and I want it now!
ON HOMER
HOMER
(THINKING) Please, please, PLEASE don't
be involved with international drug
lords. Please!
PREVIOUS VIEW
BART
All right, all right! It was the
militia!
Everyone looks surprised. The audience GASPS.
HOMER
Phew!
JUDGE
You mean to tell this court that you
were seduced by their easy promises and
apocalyptic visions?
BART
Yes, sir.
JUDGE
(BANGS GAVEL TWICE) This court find Bart
Simpson not guilty by reason of
stupidity.
BART
Woo hoo!
Bart turns around to sneer at Lisa.
BART
See, Lisa? If I was as smart as you, I'd
be in jail right now!
Bart sticks out his tongue. Lisa rolls her eyes.
NEAR JUDGE
A bunch of the injured patrons are arguing with the judge.
INJURED PATRON #1
But we were injured in that explosion!
We demand justice!
JUDGE
Sorry, but criminals have more rights
than victims.
The patrons walks away, disappointed and grumbling.
ON QUIMBY & WIGGUM
QUIMBY
I want you to find that militia, and
round them all up!
WIGGUM
Gotcha!
Wiggum turns to Lou and Eddie.
WIGGUM
I want you to find all able-bodied men
between the ages of 25 and 45, and bring
them in for questioning.
LOU
Right, Chief!
Lou and Eddie turn and stop short of arresting Homer. They
look at him for a few seconds.
EDDIE
(TO LOU) Able-bodied only.
LOU
(TO EDDIE) Right.
They leave.
HOMER
(RELIEVED) Phew!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - EARLY EVENING - ESTABLISHING
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - VIEW OF COUCH
Homer, Marge, and Maggie are sitting on the couch, watching
TV. The evening news is on.
VIEW OF TV FROM COUCH
KENT BROCKMAN
Good evening, ladies and gentleman.
Today, in a move the President decried
as "election year politics", his party
voted to replace him on the ticket with
a superintelligent puddle of motor oil.
The party chairman said this would
attract Texas oil tycoons to the ticket,
as well as people that don't wash much.
We now go live to the White House for a
press conference.
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - VIEW OF COUCH
HOMER
Oh, Marge! That was MY old motor oil!
MARGE
Cheer up, Homer! Pouring it down the
drain was the BEST thing you could have
done for it!
HOMER
That's why I'm depressed. It became a
smashing success the minute it got out
of here.
CUT TO:
INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BART'S ROOM
Bart lays on his bed, moping. His assault rifle is nearby,
in its case. Lisa look in from the doorway.
LISA
What's wrong, Bart? Aren't you part of
the militia any more?
BART
Nah. Their hearts are in the right
place, but their methods are... oh, why
mince words? They're a bunch of wackos!
Grandpa was right. Well, half-right, at
least.
LISA
I hope you learned something from all of
this.
BART
Pffft. As if! I do all the learning I
can stand in school.
LISA
Don't you see that violence and jingoism
won't solve the deeply-entrenched
problems of modern society?
BART
No way, man. Militias may come and go,
(CREEPY) but an assault rifle is
forever.
LISA
(WHINING) MOM!
MARGE (V.O.)
For the last time, Lisa, you're NOT
adopted!
LISA
(FRUSTRATED) Ooooooh!
CUT TO:
EXT. NEAR SPRINGFIELD ARMORY - EARLY EVENING
All able-bodied men from 25 to 45 in Springfield are there,
holding M-16 machine guns. Wiggum stands near the armory, on
a small stage, speaking through a megaphone.
WIGGUM
OK. I was told to round up the militia;
as you know, that's all able-bodied men
between 25 and 45. So we're going to
practice handling firearms. Please
return your machine guns to the armory
when this training exercise is over.
ANGLE TO DRILL SERGEANT
He and a few other hardcore militia people are standing in
the crowd of militia members, weeping for joy...
DRILL SERGEANT
Oh... it's so beautiful...
PREVIOUS VIEW
WIGGUM
So, first, um... oh, I know! Why don't
we all spin our rifles around, like they
do in the movies!
FADE TO CREDITS
We hear the rifles spin around, and a couple of gunshots and
screams.
WIGGUM
(PAINED) Oh no... (NORMAL) OK, now we
get to practice our first aid! Heh-heh.
....What Is?....
In article <N.081896.183453.81@deva> de...@wizard.net (Li-Chan & Kuno) writes:
}Well, if this "defective human being" may offer his opinion...
Oh, relax. I don't mind you when you're lucid.
}A vast improvement! A lot of the deadwood that plauged the first
}version has been trimmed, thankfully.
Woo hoo! I'm getting ready to send a few in, thanks to the feedback
I've been getting on this newsgroup! It'll probably be "The Plant
Closes", "Falling Over", and "Bart Joins The Militia". (Any comments
on *that*?)
}The only real glaring problem is the lack of a real subplot (the oil
}thing is cute, but it doesn't go anywhere).
Where would you like it to go? Right now, the oil gets nominated
for President.
}} NED FLANDERS
}}
}} Howdy doo, neighbor! I just thought I'd
}} take back some of the stuff you've
}} borrowed over the years. Ta!
}
}Ned would *never* just take his stuff back! That's not the way of
}those acursed Flanderses!
Sure they would! Ned wanted to get back his TV tray in "Lisa's First
Words", didn't he? Besides, the fact that he's *finally* getting his
stuff, on top of the fact that Homer's garage has been cleaned out...
aw, c'mon, that was funny, wasn't it?
}} HOMER (CONT.)
}}
}} I'll get you for this, you stupid...
}} neighbor. Letting me borrow stuff and
} ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
}} then taking it back. Pfff!
} ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
}This part still doesn't sound 'Homerish'. He'd say something closer to
}"'Personal Property', my yellow butt!"
Yeah, but that doesn't quite miss the point, the way my line does.
Homer needs to miss the point.
}} LISA
}}
}} I don't even know where to BEGIN telling
}} you what's wrong with that.
}}
}} Bart takes his book back.
}}
}} BART
}}
}} That's just what they WANT you to
}} believe.
}
}Here, Lisa doesn't doesn't actually say what she *believes*. Change
}Believe to Think in Bart's line, or change Lisa's line to something
}like, "Bart, these people are obviously deleusional!"
Yeah, you're right, this is clumsy. The original scene was a lot
wordier and less funny, and I tried to shorten it down. I haven't
succeeded yet.
}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}
}} After what some people dubbed "The Trial
}} Of The Century",
}
}'Trial of the Century' is a bit too obvious. Maybe something like
}'The Trial of The Moment' would be funnier?
The idea is to make totally gratuitous references to O.J. Simpson
and the Unabomber.
}} As the cell door SCREECHES on its tracks to close, Homer
}} stares expectantly, mouth open, eyes glazed. Finally, the
}} cell door closes with a BIG METALLIC CLINK.
}
}Here, shouldn't somebody (Maybe Bart?) opine that "Wow! Who'd have
}thought that the justice system really *does* work?"
But that (when animated) would ruin the effect of Homer leaping up
the instant the doors close.
}} HOMER
}}
}} Aaaaugh! The President would do anything
}} to get re-elected!
}
}Would Homer be scared, or angry? How about (shaking fist at sky)
}"Damn you, democratic process! Damn you to Hell!"
I dunno, I thought what I had there sounded like a classic Homer line.
}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}
}} And nobody read your STUPID manifesto,
}} either! HA! Phbbt. Wooga wooga wooga!
}
}I don't think Kent Brockman would be *this* childish. He might act
}childish, but not *this* childish.
The idea was just to drive home the gratuitous Unabomber reference.
}} NED FLANDERS
}}
}} Sorry, neighboroony, but that's not
}} smoke, that's dust! I'm cleaning all the
}} stuff I found in your garage.
}
}Ned Flanders doesn't clean. He clean-diddly-eans! And he didn't
}Find it, he Got it.
"I'm cleaning all the stuff I got in your garage." Is that what you
want?
And since I'm already using neighboroony, I don't want to use
clean-diddly-ean. There is such a thing as *too* much Flanders. :-)
(BTW, here's a Flanders line I thought of that I haven't placed any
where yet: "I've lost my car keys. What higher purpose does this serve,
O Lord?")
}} NED FLANDERS (CONT.)
}}
}} I'm about halfway done, so just hold
}} your horses, and try not to breathe!
}
}How about, "Try to keep the elderly out of the cloud!" (suitably
}Flanders-ized, natch), and we hear Hans Moleman asking (inside the
}cloud) "Is this the Quick-e-Mart?"
I dunno, too hard to make plausible. Implausibility itself isn't
always funny; you need a funny reason for the implausibility too.
}} It's an episode of "Itchy & Scratchy" called "Cat Splat
}} Fever II".
}
}As good as Itchy & Scratchy gets, but shouldn't it be tied into the
}episode somehow? A cartoon about the Freemice, or something?
Don't you think enough of my jokes in this episode are militia-related
already? :-) This one is at least military-related...
}} BART
}}
}} A Diamond P-150 assault rifle. (CREEPY)
}} It goes through SCHOOLS.
}
}Don't you think Bart would playfully point the gun at Lisa?
NO! Sorry for overreacting... as a long-time gun enthusiast, I would
*NEVER* suggest this is OK, in cartoon or otherwise.
}And then maybe it could go off and shoot the ceiling, and Homer
}could shout from downstairs, "Bart! Stop roughousing!"
Maybe. I wanted this scene to move faster. Besides, assault rifles
make big holes -- that's why they're assault rifles. A hole in the
roof made by one of those (especially the well-known Diamond P-150 :-)
would be noticeable.
}} BART
}}
}} At a Branch Davidian garage sale!
}} They've fallen on hard times, I guess.
}
}They would *not* mention something like this on The Show. Make up a
}fake anti-government group name, instead.
Aw, c'mon, they mentioned Ross Perot! And I do it without implying
anything about the Branch Davidians that isn't already known to be
true. (i.e. they have assault rifles and they have fallen on harder
times)
}} LISA
}}
}} Bart, violence is never justified!
}
}This exchange should end with Lisa pushing/hitting/kicking Bart,
}just for the irony of it.
Naw, the "Mom, please tell me I'm adopted" ending has a followup near
the end of the episode; I don't want to orphan it...
}} HOMER
}}
}} Heh-heh. Son, this whole country was
}} founded on violence! We fought for our
}} independence, we massacred the Indians,
}} we hunted the buffalo to extinction,
}
}How about "We fought to the death for independence from the British,
}the Indians, the buffalo..."
I like my version better, still.
}} MAUDE FLANDERS (V.O.)
}}
}} Neddy, did you buy the bargain brand gas
}} again?
}
}"Neddy, have you been watching Fox again?"
Why would Neddy be watching Fox in the backyard, when there is a big
cloud of dust around him?
}} Grandpa is very animated.
}}
}} GRANDPA
}}
}} Herman is the greatest patriot this
}} country has ever seen! Many people talk
}} about random violence and the arming of
}} America, but he's actually doing
}} something about it! He was so good, the
}} government had to deny his existence and
}} cover it all up with a phony
}} dishonorable discharge! He...
}}
}} Grandpa abruptly falls asleep and SNORES.
}
}Grandpa ought to start rambling about nickels or onions or shoes
}before he falls asleep, maybe?
Nah, it's off-topic.
}} (SADLY) I know. It's a problem I've had
}} for a long time.
}
}Just shorten the line to "I know..." and it'd be funnier.
So you're saying it's obvious enough that that following scene in
Grandpa's brain is the explanation? I wasn't sure it was obvious
enough; hence the added verbage. Any other opinions?
}} We see that Sergeant Simpson is fighting with a totally
}} dolled-up TRANSVESTITE version of Abe Simpson.
}
}Have it be the costume he wore when he sang for Hitler!
Definitely!
}} In front of them
}} is a ragged-looking DRILL SERGEANT. If possible, he's played
}} by Steve Martin.
}
}Sorry. This role doesn't really jibe with what I think of Steve
}Martin.
Sgt. Bilko, man! Besides, at one point, the sergeant needs to do the
trademark Steve Martin blissful smile.
}} DRILL SERGEANT
}}
}} OK, men, here's the drill. The New World
}} Order conspiracy has taken that hill
}} (POINTS) over there.
}
}If you didn't work Moleman into the dust cloud bit, zoom in on the hill
}and have him wandering around, maybe asking, "Where did I park?"
}(Gotta love the Moleman!)
Yeah, OK, I'll take that one. It smooths out the scene a little.
And I can have Hans whine about being killed, at the end of the scene.
}} There are two cops in here.
}}
}} COP #1
}}
}} Man, this sure is a tough area of town.
}}
}} COP #2
}}
}} Thank goodness for our superintelligent
}} puddle of oil!
}
}Definitely ought to be the black cop and the white cop (you know the
}ones) then they should have a toast to the SPOO, clinking beer
}bottles together and chugging them down.
It's Lou and Eddie (though I never remember which is which) and yeah,
maybe, I might put that in. Gotta see how it affects the end of the
scene.
}} HERMAN
}}
}} Bart, let me tell you something. Your
}} grandfather and I are very close.
}} Whenever the police raid my store and
}} confiscate my illegal weapons, he's
}} there for me.
}
}I'm sorry, but everything between the above and the below just isn't
}that funny. A good episode would have to have at least one
}Laugh-Till-It-Hurts bit in here.
You didn't get the gratuitous reference to the movie "Taps"? Did
anyone else?
(This ties in with a different thread: are movie references necessarily
funny? :-)
}} INT. SECRET INITIATION HALL
}
}} DRILL SERGEANT
}}
}} Springfield Independent Militia
}} regulations, chapter 78, paragraphs 2
}} through j: in order to join, the new
}} recruit must blow up... a federal
}} building.
}
}Ewww... I don't think so. Remember how people got bent out of shape
}over the joke about Homer gettting Dr. Ngor's award, and Ned's dream
}of being a clock-tower sniper? Well, this is doing it *deliberately*!
Well, I need to be extreme here. What else should one blow up in order
to be a Three-Star General?
And besides... remember... this episode is "Bart Joins The Militia"...
we gotta explore the topic!
}} DRILL SERGEANT
}}
}} (FLIPPING PAGES) Oh, sorry, that was for
}} Three-Star General. In order to become a
}} PRIVATE, you only have to blow up a fast-
}} food restaurant.
}}
}} BART
}}
}} THAT I can do.
}
}"Consider it done! And I mean *done*!" A ripoff of a Skinner line,
}but it goes in a totally different direction.
Yeah, one I don't wanna go in. The idea is to be funny by suggesting
Bart was only complaining about the size of the building, not the fact
that he was bombing it.
}} HERMAN
}}
}} (WIPING AWAY A TEAR) You're an
}} inspiration to this old warhorse...
}} (NUDGING BART) One day... when you're
}} older... I'll tell you about some of the
}} fringe benefits of being a soldier out
}} on the battlefield.
}}
}} BART
}}
}} (SLYLY) I think I already know what they
}} are.
}}
}} HERMAN
}}
}} You mean...?
}}
}} BART
}}
}} (NODDING KNOWINGLY) Collateral damage.
}}
}} HERMAN
}}
}} Yep!
}}
}} BART
}}
}} Civilian deaths!
}}
}} HERMAN
}}
}} (CORRECTING) ACCIDENTAL civilian deaths.
}}
}} BART & HERMAN
}}
}} Woo hoo!
}
}Now, this is just *creepy*. Maybe you can make it fly in the middle
}of an act, but you don't want to go to commercial on a downer like
}this! Besides, wasn't Bart *questioning* the violence in the militia
}a few minutes ago?
Can I end on Bart: "THAT I can do."? I think this script was running
a bit long anyway.
}} MILHOUSE
}}
}} Bart, what are you doing? Cigarettes are
}} dangerous!
}
}How about if Nelson pops up at the window (a funny gag in itself),
}smoking a cigarette, and says "Ha, ha!"
Nah, breaks the flow.
}} KRUSTY
}}
}} (CRYING) Wah hah, noooo! (CALMER, ANGRY)
}} It's McDonald's... it's gotta be
}} McDonald's! They've been harassing me
}} for MONTHS over "eerie similarities"
}} between their burger chain and mine.
}
}Now, if Clancy "Grease Lover" Wiggum didn't know about McDonalds,
}would Krusty?
Sure, if McDonald's was going out of their way to find *him* and
harass *him*. Just because Springfieldians are clueless doesn't
mean everyone else is.
}Perhaps a more subtle gag like "They said I had until tomorrow to pay!"
Maybe... I was trying to get Krusty to blame some perceived conspiracy
theory, to fit in with the theme of the episode.
}} CASHIER
}}
}} Yes, sir!
}
}Wouldn't the cashier be the generic teenager? I have a feeling he'd
}have to say something stupid like, "We have a phone?"
Yeah, but that would prevent the next part of the script (the view
of Krusty's speed dial selections).
}} CUSTOMER
}}
}} But this one has glass in it, from the
}} explosion.
}}
}} KRUSTY
}}
}} How do I know that glass wasn't in there
}} already?!
}
}Maybe "That's... our special Glass Burger... it costs a dollar extra!"
}Better yet, have the customer be Chief Wiggum!
I dunno, I think it's funnier that Krusty accepts glass could be cooked
into the food.
}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}
}} At first the Babysitter Bandit was
}} suspected, but she denied guilt, and the
}} police had to admit that being in jail
}} was a pretty good excuse. Burger magnate
}} Krusty The Clown had this to say.
}
}How about a press conference with Chief Wiggum, where he delivers a
}Wiggum version of this line?
You mean the Quimby line? No... the sentiments expressed here are
definitely Quimby.
}} QUIMBY
}}
}} City Hall just passed a harsh anti-
}} terrorism bill, aimed at preventing
}} these attacks. We'll arrest without
}} warrant... we'll tap phones... we'll
}} scapegoat...
}
}"...we'll commit adultery..." (I think it's funny)
}
}} we'll do whatever it takes
}} to end this menace!
See, one reason for making this Quimby is to gratuitously refer to
Clinton's history of anti-terrorism bills. (The ones that like to
throw civil liberties out the window, in the name of hysteria.)
}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}
}} Thank you, Mr. Mayor!
}
}Quimby replies, "You are welcome."
You don't think it'd just be unnecessary clutter?
}} WIGGUM
}}
}} All units! Be on the lookout for Bart
}} Simpson! Yeah, that little punk again.
}} YOU know what he looks like.
}
}Cut to a beat cop, pointing his gun downwards. Cop says, "You're in
}for it now, Simpson!" Then we see that he's cornered Ralph! And
}Ralph says something totally Ralphish.
Hmmm... maybe... yeah. It could work. Anyone got an idea for a
Ralph line? Would "I wet my pants." be enough? (Hey, the cop pulled
a gun on him.... Ralph got scared... you can't blame him!)
}} INT. TREEHOUSE
}}
}} A barrage of bullets RIPS through the treehouse. Bart and
}} Milhouse SCREAM and dive to the ground. The kerosene lantern
}} is shot, and spills flaming oil everywhere. Five seconds
}} ORDNANCE then QUIET. The tree house is catching on fire.
}
}My *Goddess*! This is *sick*! And *way* too recent a reference!
Aw, c'mon, this is "Bart Joins The Militia"! If I don't get to make
a gratuituous reference to governmental overreaction when faced with
religions they don't like, then why bother to make the episode?
Besides, no one dies in my version.
}} They're laying on the soaking-wet ground, moaning in pain.
}} Wiggum arrives and handcuffs them.
}
}Had Nelson in the episode yet? A "Ha-ha!" would go great here!
Yeah, OK, I can see that.
}} WIGGUM
}}
}} You have the right to remain silent...
}
}"You have the right to... something, something..."
Maybe...
}} GUARD
}}
}} You've got visitors.
}
}Bart, "Oh, it's not that Hutz guy *again*?"
But Hutz doesn't show up.
}} DISSOLVE TO:
}}
}} INT. SPRINGFIELD SUPERIOR COURT - BART'S TRIAL
}
}A trial with no Hutz for the defence? 8O
He's there, he just doesn't have a speaking part.
}} HOMER
}}
}} (RELIEVED) Phew!
}
}Maybe pats his belly and says, 'Thank *YOU*!'
Nah, that'd blow the repetition joke I've got going with the earlier
"Phew!" that Bart wasn't involved with international drug lords.
}} BART
}}
}} Nah. Their hearts are in the right
}} place, but their methods are... oh, why
}} mince words? They're a bunch of wackos!
}} Grandpa was right. Well, half-right, at
}} least.
}
}Err... 'mince words' just isn't a Bart phrase... sorry...
I guess, but what else really fits?
}Well, still a vast improvement, not that Steven cares! ;)
Hey, stay lucid & we won't have any problems.
Steven Boswell
wha...@yyz.com
Li-Chan & Kuno
Well, if this "defective human being" may offer his opinion... A vast
improvement! A lot of the deadwood that plauged the first version has been
subplot (the oil thing is cute, but it doesn't go anywhere). Otherwise,
only a few things need sprucing up:
> NED FLANDERS
>
> Howdy doo, neighbor! I just thought I'd
> take back some of the stuff you've
> borrowed over the years. Ta!
Even I, who have called Ned evil before (and he is), know that Ned would
*never* just take his stuff back! That's not the way of those acursed
Flanderses!
> HOMER (CONT.)
>
> I'll get you for this, you stupid...
> neighbor. Letting me borrow stuff and
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> then taking it back. Pfff!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This part still doesn't sound 'Homerish'. He'd say something closer to
"'Personal Property', my yellow butt!"
> LISA
>
> I don't even know where to BEGIN telling
> you what's wrong with that.
>
> Bart takes his book back.
>
> BART
>
> That's just what they WANT you to
> believe.
Here, Lisa doesn't doesn't actually say what she *believes*. Change Believe
to Think in Bart's line, or change Lisa's line to something like, "Bart, these
people are obviously deleusional!"
> KENT BROCKMAN
>
> After what some people dubbed "The Trial
> Of The Century",
'Trial of the Century' is a bit too obvious. Maybe something like 'The Trial
of The Moment' would be funnier?
> As the cell door SCREECHES on its tracks to close, Homer
> stares expectantly, mouth open, eyes glazed. Finally, the
> cell door closes with a BIG METALLIC CLINK.
Here, shouldn't somebody (Maybe Bart?) opine that "Wow! Who'd have thought
that the justice system really *does* work?"
> MARGE
>
> What if the President pardoned her?
>
> Homer clasps his hands to the side of his head and looks
> terrified.
>
> HOMER
>
> Aaaaugh! The President would do anything
> to get re-elected!
Would Homer be scared, or angry? How about (shaking fist at sky) "Damn you,
democratic process! Damn you to Hell!"
> KENT BROCKMAN
>
> And nobody read your STUPID manifesto,
> either! HA! Phbbt. Wooga wooga wooga!
I don't think Kent Brockman would be *this* childish. He might act childish,
but not *this* childish. Maybe a better line would be (straight-faced, to
the camera), "Stay tuned for the news at eleven, and my expose piece about
revolving-door prisons.", and the B.B. could claw at him or snarl...
> NED FLANDERS
>
> Sorry, neighboroony, but that's not
> smoke, that's dust! I'm cleaning all the
> stuff I found in your garage.
Ned Flanders doesn't clean. He clean-diddly-eans! And he didn't Find it,
he Got it.
> NED FLANDERS (CONT.)
>
> I'm about halfway done, so just hold
> your horses, and try not to breathe!
How about, "Try to keep the elderly out of the cloud!" (suitably Flanders-ized,
natch), and we hear Hans Moleman asking (inside the cloud) "Is this the
Quick-e-Mart?"
> It's an episode of "Itchy & Scratchy" called "Cat Splat
> Fever II".
As good as Itchy & Scratchy gets, but shouldn't it be tied into the episode
somehow? A cartoon about the Freemice, or something?
> BART
>
> A Diamond P-150 assault rifle. (CREEPY)
> It goes through SCHOOLS.
Don't you think Bart would playfully point the gun at Lisa? And then maybe
it could go off and shoot the ceiling, and Homer could shout from downstairs,
"Bart! Stop roughousing!"
> BART
>
> At a Branch Davidian garage sale!
> They've fallen on hard times, I guess.
They would *not* mention something like this on The Show. Make up a fake
anti-government group name, instead.
> LISA
>
> Bart, violence is never justified!
This exchange should end with Lisa pushing/hitting/kicking Bart, just for
the irony of it.
> HOMER
>
> Heh-heh. Son, this whole country was
> founded on violence! We fought for our
> independence, we massacred the Indians,
> we hunted the buffalo to extinction,
How about "We fought to the death for independence from the British, the
Indians, the buffalo..."
> MAUDE FLANDERS (V.O.)
>
> Neddy, did you buy the bargain brand gas
> again?
"Neddy, have you been watching Fox again?"
> Grandpa is very animated.
>
> GRANDPA
>
> Herman is the greatest patriot this
> country has ever seen! Many people talk
> about random violence and the arming of
> America, but he's actually doing
> something about it! He was so good, the
> government had to deny his existence and
> cover it all up with a phony
> dishonorable discharge! He...
>
> Grandpa abruptly falls asleep and SNORES.
Grandpa ought to start rambling about nickels or onions or shoes before he
falls asleep, maybe?
> (SADLY) I know. It's a problem I've had
> for a long time.
Just shorten the line to "I know..." and it'd be funnier.
> We see that Sergeant Simpson is fighting with a totally
> dolled-up TRANSVESTITE version of Abe Simpson.
Have it be the costume he wore when he sang for Hitler!
> In front of them
> is a ragged-looking DRILL SERGEANT. If possible, he's played
> by Steve Martin.
Sorry. This role doesn't really jibe with what I think of Steve Martin.
Do you need a guest star, anyways? Usually, they just muck up the works
when inserted un-necessarily.
> DRILL SERGEANT
>
> OK, men, here's the drill. The New World
> Order conspiracy has taken that hill
> (POINTS) over there.
If you didn't work Moleman into the dust cloud bit, zoom in on the hill
and have him wandering around, maybe asking, "Where did I park?"
(Gotta love the Moleman!)
> There are two cops in here.
>
> COP #1
>
> Man, this sure is a tough area of town.
>
> COP #2
>
> Thank goodness for our superintelligent
> puddle of oil!
Definitely ought to be the black cop and the white cop (you know the ones)
then they should have a toast to the SPOO, clinking beer bottles together
and chugging them down.
> HERMAN
>
> Bart, let me tell you something. Your
> grandfather and I are very close.
> Whenever the police raid my store and
> confiscate my illegal weapons, he's
> there for me.
I'm sorry, but everything between the above and the below just isn't that
funny. A good episode would have to have at least one Laugh-Till-It-Hurts
bit in here.
> INT. SECRET INITIATION HALL
> DRILL SERGEANT
>
> Springfield Independent Militia
> regulations, chapter 78, paragraphs 2
> through j: in order to join, the new
> recruit must blow up... a federal
> building.
Ewww... I don't think so. Remember how people got bent out of shape over
the joke about Homer gettting Dr. Ngor's award, and Ned's dream of being
a clock-tower sniper? Well, this is doing it *deliberately*!
> DRILL SERGEANT
>
> (FLIPPING PAGES) Oh, sorry, that was for
> Three-Star General. In order to become a
> PRIVATE, you only have to blow up a fast-
> food restaurant.
>
> BART
>
> THAT I can do.
"Consider it done! And I mean *done*!" A ripoff of a Skinner line, but it
goes in a totally different direction.
> HERMAN
> MILHOUSE
>
> Bart, what are you doing? Cigarettes are
> dangerous!
How about if Nelson pops up at the window (a funny gag in itself), smoking
a cigarette, and says "Ha, ha!"
> KRUSTY
>
> (CRYING) Wah hah, noooo! (CALMER, ANGRY)
> It's McDonald's... it's gotta be
> McDonald's! They've been harassing me
> for MONTHS over "eerie similarities"
> between their burger chain and mine.
Now, if Clancy "Grease Lover" Wiggum didn't know about McDonalds, would Krusty?
Perhaps a more subtle gag like "They said I had until tomorrow to pay!"
> CASHIER
>
> Yes, sir!
Wouldn't the cashier be the generic teenager? I have a feeling he'd have to
say something stupid like, "We have a phone?"
> CUSTOMER
>
> But this one has glass in it, from the
> explosion.
>
> KRUSTY
>
> How do I know that glass wasn't in there
> already?!
Maybe "That's... our special Glass Burger... it costs a dollar extra!"
Better yet, have the customer be Chief Wiggum!
> KENT BROCKMAN
>
> At first the Babysitter Bandit was
> suspected, but she denied guilt, and the
> police had to admit that being in jail
> was a pretty good excuse. Burger magnate
> Krusty The Clown had this to say.
How about a press conference with Chief Wiggum, where he delivers a Wiggum
version of this line?
> QUIMBY
>
> City Hall just passed a harsh anti-
> terrorism bill, aimed at preventing
> these attacks. We'll arrest without
> warrant... we'll tap phones... we'll
> scapegoat...
"...we'll commit adultery..." (I think it's funny)
> we'll do whatever it takes
> to end this menace!
>
> KENT BROCKMAN
>
> Thank you, Mr. Mayor!
Quimby replies, "You are welcome."
> WIGGUM
>
> All units! Be on the lookout for Bart
> Simpson! Yeah, that little punk again.
> YOU know what he looks like.
Cut to a beat cop, pointing his gun downwards. Cop says, "You're in for it
now, Simpson!" Then we see that he's cornered Ralph! And Ralph says
something totally Ralphish.
> INT. TREEHOUSE
>
> A barrage of bullets RIPS through the treehouse. Bart and
> Milhouse SCREAM and dive to the ground. The kerosene lantern
> is shot, and spills flaming oil everywhere. Five seconds
> ORDNANCE then QUIET. The tree house is catching on fire.
My *Goddess*! This is *sick*! And *way* too recent a reference!
> They're laying on the soaking-wet ground, moaning in pain.
> Wiggum arrives and handcuffs them.
Had Nelson in the episode yet? A "Ha-ha!" would go great here!
> WIGGUM
>
> You have the right to remain silent...
"You have the right to... something, something..."
> GUARD
>
> You've got visitors.
Bart, "Oh, it's not that Hutz guy *again*?"
> DISSOLVE TO:
>
> INT. SPRINGFIELD SUPERIOR COURT - BART'S TRIAL
A trial with no Hutz for the defence? 8O
> HOMER
>
> (RELIEVED) Phew!
Maybe pats his belly and says, 'Thank *YOU*!'
> BART
>
> Nah. Their hearts are in the right
> place, but their methods are... oh, why
> mince words? They're a bunch of wackos!
> Grandpa was right. Well, half-right, at
> least.
Err... 'mince words' just isn't a Bart phrase... sorry...
Well, still a vast improvement, not that Steven cares! ;)
- Kuno -
Li-Chan & Kuno
What Is? (wha...@yyz.com) wrote:
> }Well, if this "defective human being" may offer his opinion...
> Oh, relax. I don't mind you when you're lucid.
Ah, sou ka?
> }A vast improvement! A lot of the deadwood that plauged the first
> }version has been trimmed, thankfully.
> Woo hoo! I'm getting ready to send a few in, thanks to the feedback
> I've been getting on this newsgroup! It'll probably be "The Plant
> Closes", "Falling Over", and "Bart Joins The Militia". (Any comments
> on *that*?)
Yeah! I think you can take your scripts and sho... oh, you were *joking*! ;)
> }The only real glaring problem is the lack of a real subplot (the oil
> }thing is cute, but it doesn't go anywhere).
> Where would you like it to go? Right now, the oil gets nominated
> for President.
Well, yeah, but it doesn't really seem like a sub-plot. Just a one-shot
joke that keeps popping up.
> }Ned would *never* just take his stuff back! That's not the way of
> }those acursed Flanderses!
> Sure they would! Ned wanted to get back his TV tray in "Lisa's First
> Words", didn't he? Besides, the fact that he's *finally* getting his
> stuff, on top of the fact that Homer's garage has been cleaned out...
> aw, c'mon, that was funny, wasn't it?
Yeah, it's funny, but if you recall, Ned didn't actually *do* anything to
get his tray back.
> }Here, Lisa doesn't doesn't actually say what she *believes*. Change
> }Believe to Think in Bart's line, or change Lisa's line to something
> }like, "Bart, these people are obviously deleusional!"
> Yeah, you're right, this is clumsy. The original scene was a lot
> wordier and less funny, and I tried to shorten it down. I haven't
> succeeded yet.
Well, keep trying...
> }} KENT BROCKMAN
> }}
> }} After what some people dubbed "The Trial
> }} Of The Century",
> }'Trial of the Century' is a bit too obvious. Maybe something like
> }'The Trial of The Moment' would be funnier?
> The idea is to make totally gratuitous references to O.J. Simpson
> and the Unabomber.
One problem is that by the time this sees the light of day, all the things
you're making jokes about will be ancient history... Which could take the
sting off of the really sick references, I suppose.
> }Here, shouldn't somebody (Maybe Bart?) opine that "Wow! Who'd have
> }thought that the justice system really *does* work?"
> But that (when animated) would ruin the effect of Homer leaping up
> the instant the doors close.
Well, it doesn't have to be right *when* the doors close, you could have the
Homer bit, then pan over to Bart.
> }Would Homer be scared, or angry? How about (shaking fist at sky)
> }"Damn you, democratic process! Damn you to Hell!"
> I dunno, I thought what I had there sounded like a classic Homer line.
I think Homer might freak out because he doesn't have beer. But, in this
case, he wouldn't get scared, he'd get mad.
> }I don't think Kent Brockman would be *this* childish. He might act
> }childish, but not *this* childish.
> The idea was just to drive home the gratuitous Unabomber reference.
Homer could make the manifesto reference, while he's dancing around.
> "I'm cleaning all the stuff I got in your garage." Is that what you
> want?
"I'm cleaning all the stuff I borrowed back from you."?
> (BTW, here's a Flanders line I thought of that I haven't placed any
> where yet: "I've lost my car keys. What higher purpose does this serve,
> O Lord?")
Well, I don't really see Ned questioning the ineffibility of God...
> }How about, "Try to keep the elderly out of the cloud!" (suitably
> }Flanders-ized, natch), and we hear Hans Moleman asking (inside the
> }cloud) "Is this the Quick-e-Mart?"
> I dunno, too hard to make plausible. Implausibility itself isn't
> always funny; you need a funny reason for the implausibility too.
Well, that's the point about Moleman humour! It's always implausible! Like
Hans getting the electric chair, Hans' gremlin exploding, Hans getting lost
in Flanders's backyard...
> }As good as Itchy & Scratchy gets, but shouldn't it be tied into the
> }episode somehow? A cartoon about the Freemice, or something?
> Don't you think enough of my jokes in this episode are militia-related
> already? :-) This one is at least military-related...
Scratchy is some kind of religious zealot in a compound with a bunch of
Scratchy-cats worshipping him, and Itchy drives up outside with a bunch
of tanks that have I.T.F. (Itchy, Tobacco and Firearms) written on the
side, and he starts shooting the hell out of the compound, which catches
on fire. Scratchy crawls out, and as he lies there limp, Itchy drives over
him in the tank!
> }Don't you think Bart would playfully point the gun at Lisa?
> NO! Sorry for overreacting... as a long-time gun enthusiast, I would
> *NEVER* suggest this is OK, in cartoon or otherwise.
Oh, this explains a *lot*! ;)
> }They would *not* mention something like this on The Show. Make up a
> }fake anti-government group name, instead.
> Aw, c'mon, they mentioned Ross Perot! And I do it without implying
> anything about the Branch Davidians that isn't already known to be
> true. (i.e. they have assault rifles and they have fallen on harder
> times)
In any incident where bunches of little kids die, you *don't* make references
to it on the Simpsons! I don't *think* Ross Perot involved killing kids...
> }} Heh-heh. Son, this whole country was
> }} founded on violence! We fought for our
> }} independence, we massacred the Indians,
> }} we hunted the buffalo to extinction,
> }How about "We fought to the death for independence from the British,
> }the Indians, the buffalo..."
> I like my version better, still.
Mine has more of a revisionist sting to it, but you're the judge.
> }"Neddy, have you been watching Fox again?"
> Why would Neddy be watching Fox in the backyard, when there is a big
> cloud of dust around him?
Personally, I think that whenever a tragedy occurs, the Flanderses think it's
God's wrath. And what could incite God's wrath more than watching Sweet,
Non-Judgemental Fox, Where Coming in Third is a Triumph!
> }Grandpa ought to start rambling about nickels or onions or shoes
> }before he falls asleep, maybe?
> Nah, it's off-topic.
True, but so is Grandpa Simpson!
> }} In front of them
> }} is a ragged-looking DRILL SERGEANT. If possible, he's played
> }} by Steve Martin.
> }Sorry. This role doesn't really jibe with what I think of Steve
> }Martin.
> Sgt. Bilko, man!
*If* Sargent Bilko was totally nuts, and *if* the only true Sgt. Bilko wasn't
Phil Silvers, *maybe*.
> Besides, at one point, the sergeant needs to do the
> trademark Steve Martin blissful smile.
So? It doesn't really make the scene funnier.
> }If you didn't work Moleman into the dust cloud bit, zoom in on the hill
> }and have him wandering around, maybe asking, "Where did I park?"
> }(Gotta love the Moleman!)
> Yeah, OK, I'll take that one. It smooths out the scene a little.
> And I can have Hans whine about being killed, at the end of the scene.
He would do that.
> }I'm sorry, but everything between the above and the below just isn't
> }that funny. A good episode would have to have at least one
> }Laugh-Till-It-Hurts bit in here.
> You didn't get the gratuitous reference to the movie "Taps"? Did
> anyone else?
Nope.
> (This ties in with a different thread: are movie references necessarily
> funny? :-)
Apparantly not. Not that resolving the thread will end it. ;)
> }Ewww... I don't think so. Remember how people got bent out of shape
> }over the joke about Homer gettting Dr. Ngor's award, and Ned's dream
> }of being a clock-tower sniper? Well, this is doing it *deliberately*!
> Well, I need to be extreme here. What else should one blow up in order
> to be a Three-Star General?
Just don't say *Federal* Building! "Won't somebody think of the *children*!"
> }Now, this is just *creepy*. Maybe you can make it fly in the middle
> }of an act, but you don't want to go to commercial on a downer like
> }this! Besides, wasn't Bart *questioning* the violence in the militia
> }a few minutes ago?
> Can I end on Bart: "THAT I can do."? I think this script was running
> a bit long anyway.
I suppose I'll allow it.
> }} CASHIER
> }}
> }} Yes, sir!
> }
> }Wouldn't the cashier be the generic teenager? I have a feeling he'd
> }have to say something stupid like, "We have a phone?"
>
> Yeah, but that would prevent the next part of the script (the view
> of Krusty's speed dial selections).
Not really. Have Krusty push zitface out of the way, and go to the phone.
> }Maybe "That's... our special Glass Burger... it costs a dollar extra!"
> }Better yet, have the customer be Chief Wiggum!
> I dunno, I think it's funnier that Krusty accepts glass could be cooked
> into the food.
Still, having Wiggum complain about his burger when a bomb just went off is
a good gag.
> }} KENT BROCKMAN
> }}
> }} At first the Babysitter Bandit was
> }} suspected, but she denied guilt, and the
> }} police had to admit that being in jail
> }} was a pretty good excuse. Burger magnate
> }} Krusty The Clown had this to say.
> }How about a press conference with Chief Wiggum, where he delivers a
> }Wiggum version of this line?
> You mean the Quimby line? No... the sentiments expressed here are
> definitely Quimby.
No, I mean the Brockman line. A press conference where he admits that the
B.B. being in jail is a pretty good excuse.
> }} KENT BROCKMAN
> }}
> }} Thank you, Mr. Mayor!
> }
> }Quimby replies, "You are welcome."
> You don't think it'd just be unnecessary clutter?
The line makes me laugh. Quimby completely misinterpreting the 'thank you'.
> }Cut to a beat cop, pointing his gun downwards. Cop says, "You're in
> }for it now, Simpson!" Then we see that he's cornered Ralph! And
> }Ralph says something totally Ralphish.
> Hmmm... maybe... yeah. It could work. Anyone got an idea for a
> Ralph line? Would "I wet my pants." be enough? (Hey, the cop pulled
> a gun on him.... Ralph got scared... you can't blame him!)
"I ate two waffles today." Totally non-sequitour, and oblivious to the
situation.
> }} GUARD
> }}
> }} You've got visitors.
> }
> }Bart, "Oh, it's not that Hutz guy *again*?"
> But Hutz doesn't show up.
Yes, but it suggests that Hutz has come to solicit himself for the trial
many, many times. You get a Hutz without having to have Hutz!
> }} HOMER
> }}
> }} (RELIEVED) Phew!
> }
> }Maybe pats his belly and says, 'Thank *YOU*!'
> Nah, that'd blow the repetition joke I've got going with the earlier
> "Phew!" that Bart wasn't involved with international drug lords.
It doesn't happen often enough to be a running gag.
> }Err... 'mince words' just isn't a Bart phrase... sorry...
> I guess, but what else really fits?
"Oh, I admit it..." Not funny, but at least within character.
> }Well, still a vast improvement, not that Steven cares! ;)
> Hey, stay lucid & we won't have any problems.
Oh, you mean if I don't let you provoke me, you won't try to provoke me?
That's specious reasoning. ;O
- Kuno -
....What Is?....
}
}}}Well, if this "defective human being" may offer his opinion...
}}Oh, relax. I don't mind you when you're lucid.
}
}Ah, sou ka?
What does that mean? You've said it a few times and I have absolutely
no idea what it means.
}}}A vast improvement! A lot of the deadwood that plauged the first
}}}version has been trimmed, thankfully.
}}
}}Woo hoo! I'm getting ready to send a few in, thanks to the feedback
}}I've been getting on this newsgroup! It'll probably be "The Plant
}}Closes", "Falling Over", and "Bart Joins The Militia". (Any comments
}}on *that*?)
}
}Yeah! I think you can take your scripts and sho... oh, you were
}*joking*! ;)
Actually, I *was* planning to send those scripts in... bad idea?
}}}The only real glaring problem is the lack of a real subplot (the oil
}}}thing is cute, but it doesn't go anywhere).
}}
}}Where would you like it to go? Right now, the oil gets nominated
}}for President.
}
}Well, yeah, but it doesn't really seem like a sub-plot. Just a
}one-shot joke that keeps popping up.
Got it. I'll see what I can do with it. Maybe I'll work in some
other sub-plot.
}}Sure they would! Ned wanted to get back his TV tray in "Lisa's First
}}Words", didn't he? Besides, the fact that he's *finally* getting his
}}stuff, on top of the fact that Homer's garage has been cleaned out...
}}aw, c'mon, that was funny, wasn't it?
}
}Yeah, it's funny, but if you recall, Ned didn't actually *do*
}anything to get his tray back.
He asked for it, after returning Lisa... besides, I hope you're not
going to accuse me of being "out of character" just because Ned has
never before actually tried to get his stuff back!
}}}Here, Lisa doesn't doesn't actually say what she *believes*. Change
}}}Believe to Think in Bart's line, or change Lisa's line to something
}}}like, "Bart, these people are obviously deleusional!"
}}
}}Yeah, you're right, this is clumsy. The original scene was a lot
}}wordier and less funny, and I tried to shorten it down. I haven't
}}succeeded yet.
}
}Well, keep trying...
Here's a blend of the new scene and the old scene. Lisa's last
statement is wordy on purpose. (Because you're gonna wonder.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
CUT TO:
BART
(READING SOMETHING) Coooolll...
LISA
BART
BART
Hey!
LISA
BART
Hey! While YOU sleep, the government is
closing in on us, (LOOKING AROUND
NERVOUSLY) on all sides, (GRABBING ONTO
THINGS) taking away our freedom.
LISA
Bart, the government couldn't possibly
be responsible for all the conspiracies
people attribute to it! They wouldn't
get anything else done! (FLIPS THROUGH
BOOK) Chapter 19, TIME TRAVEL?!
BART
They go back in time to cover up the
conspiracy. That's why there's no
evidence! This guy is the first person
EVER to uncover that!
LISA
Pfft. How can you buy into this garbage?
BART
You're not trying to tell me our
government is honest, are you?
LISA
There's an old saying, Bart: "Never
attribute to malice what you can
attribute to stupidity". These
conspiracy theories probably had their
genesis in some bureaucratic snafu, but
the conclusions drawn from it are
ridiculous!
Bart takes his book back.
BART
School has really brainwashed you,
hasn't it, Lisa?
Lisa rolls her eyes. Bart stabs the book at Lisa while he
makes his next point.
BART (CONT.)
You know, one day you're going to have
to stop believing everything you read in
books.
Lisa GROANS and leaves. Bart goes back to reading his book.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
}}}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}}}
}}}} After what some people dubbed "The Trial
}}}} Of The Century",
}}}
}}}'Trial of the Century' is a bit too obvious. Maybe something like
}}}'The Trial of The Moment' would be funnier?
}}
}}The idea is to make totally gratuitous references to O.J. Simpson
}}and the Unabomber.
}
}One problem is that by the time this sees the light of day, all the
}things you're making jokes about will be ancient history... Which
}could take the sting off of the really sick references, I suppose.
Well, O.J. doesn't look like he'll be out of the news any time soon.
And Ted Kaczinski (I think that's spelled wrong) hasn't gone to trial
yet or anything. It takes 6-8 months to animate a show... I think
it'll work!
}}}Would Homer be scared, or angry? How about (shaking fist at sky)
}}}"Damn you, democratic process! Damn you to Hell!"
}}
}}I dunno, I thought what I had there sounded like a classic Homer line.
}
}I think Homer might freak out because he doesn't have beer. But, in
}this case, he wouldn't get scared, he'd get mad.
Yeah, but I don't know how much I like that direction. Any problem
with letting the original line stand? (e.g. does it suck?)
}}}I don't think Kent Brockman would be *this* childish. He might act
}}}childish, but not *this* childish.
}}
}}The idea was just to drive home the gratuitous Unabomber reference.
}
}Homer could make the manifesto reference, while he's dancing around.
I don't think he's intelligent enough to make such a remark. On the
other hand, he could run back into the room (after fleeing in terror)
to make that parting remark. That might work.
}}"I'm cleaning all the stuff I got in your garage." Is that what you
}}want?
}
}"I'm cleaning all the stuff I borrowed back from you."?
That makes it seem like Flanders is borrowing stuff from Homer, though.
Doesn't it?
}}(BTW, here's a Flanders line I thought of that I haven't placed any
}}where yet: "I've lost my car keys. What higher purpose does this
}}serve, O Lord?")
}
}Well, I don't really see Ned questioning the ineffibility of God...
I dunno, Rod and Todd have before... I remember "Bart's Inner Child"
where they fell off the trampoline, then asked God what they did to
incur his wrath.
}}}How about, "Try to keep the elderly out of the cloud!" (suitably
}}}Flanders-ized, natch), and we hear Hans Moleman asking (inside the
}}}cloud) "Is this the Quick-e-Mart?"
}}
}}I dunno, too hard to make plausible. Implausibility itself isn't
}}always funny; you need a funny reason for the implausibility too.
}
}Well, that's the point about Moleman humour! It's always
}implausible! Like Hans getting the electric chair, Hans' gremlin
}exploding, Hans getting lost in Flanders's backyard...
Well, yeah, I'll have Hans implausibly killed/dead/etc., but I don't
think I can make him implausibly appear somewhere. (The only time
he appeared in the Simpson's house was in "Burns' Heir", and that was
totally plausible: he was accidentally brainwashed into being Bart.)
}Scratchy is some kind of religious zealot in a compound with a bunch
}of Scratchy-cats worshipping him, and Itchy drives up outside with a
}bunch of tanks that have I.T.F. (Itchy, Tobacco and Firearms) written
}on the side, and he starts shooting the hell out of the compound,
}which catches on fire. Scratchy crawls out, and as he lies there
}limp, Itchy drives over him in the tank!
This is great! One problem, though... you thought that getting the
tree house shot up, and catching on fire, a la Waco, was too sick.
Why is this OK?
}}}Don't you think Bart would playfully point the gun at Lisa?
}}
}}NO! Sorry for overreacting... as a long-time gun enthusiast, I would
}}*NEVER* suggest this is OK, in cartoon or otherwise.
}
}Oh, this explains a *lot*! ;)
Hey, c'mon, no stereotyping. I was born and raised a redneck! (I
got my computer science degree from U.C. San Diego; does that prove
I'm not a dumbfuck? :-)
}}}They would *not* mention something like this on The Show. Make up a
}}}fake anti-government group name, instead.
}}
}}Aw, c'mon, they mentioned Ross Perot!
}
}In any incident where bunches of little kids die, you *don't* make
}references to it on the Simpsons!
Neither Bart nor Milhouse die in this one... c'mon, I *really* want
to make this gratuitous reference. I think Simpsons fans everywhere
would love it (once they got over it).
}}}} Heh-heh. Son, this whole country was
}}}} founded on violence! We fought for our
}}}} independence, we massacred the Indians,
}}}} we hunted the buffalo to extinction,
}}}
}}}How about "We fought to the death for independence from the British,
}}}the Indians, the buffalo..."
}}
}}I like my version better, still.
}
}Mine has more of a revisionist sting to it, but you're the judge.
You gotta make it punchy. Yours is a bit long-worded and contains
thoughts too large to normally fit in Homer's head.
}}}"Neddy, have you been watching Fox again?"
}}
}}Why would Neddy be watching Fox in the backyard, when there is a big
}}cloud of dust around him?
}
}Personally, I think that whenever a tragedy occurs, the Flanderses
}think it's God's wrath.
Yeah, but I still need a reason for him to be watching television when
he's in the middle of an opaque dust cloud.
}}}} In front of them
}}}} is a ragged-looking DRILL SERGEANT. If possible, he's played
}}}} by Steve Martin.
}}}
}}}Sorry. This role doesn't really jibe with what I think of Steve
}}}Martin.
}}
}}Sgt. Bilko, man!
}
}*If* Sargent Bilko was totally nuts, and *if* the only true Sgt.
}Bilko wasn't Phil Silvers, *maybe*.
Hey, why was Penny Marshall uniquely gifted to be the Babysitter
Bandit? She wasn't. Why was Danny DeVito uniquely gifted to be
Homer's brother? He wasn't. Can't I just make a gratuitous
celebrity reference to someone that really influenced my formative
years? (cf. how Eddie Murphy acted when Lionel Richie was on SNL)
}}Besides, at one point, the sergeant needs to do the
}}trademark Steve Martin blissful smile.
}
}So? It doesn't really make the scene funnier.
Sure it does! The idea is to show the drill sergeant as being lost
in his own little world, and to get Steve Martin back on TV because
he is cool.
}}}If you didn't work Moleman into the dust cloud bit, zoom in on the
}}}hill and have him wandering around, maybe asking, "Where did I park?"
}}}(Gotta love the Moleman!)
}}
}}Yeah, OK, I'll take that one. It smooths out the scene a little.
}}And I can have Hans whine about being killed, at the end of the scene.
}
}He would do that.
It's in. If this ever gets on TV, you can point to Hans Moleman in
the training exercise scene and tell people "I did that!"
}}}I'm sorry, but everything between the above and the below just isn't
}}}that funny. A good episode would have to have at least one
}}}Laugh-Till-It-Hurts bit in here.
}}
}}You didn't get the gratuitous reference to the movie "Taps"? Did
}}anyone else?
}
}Nope.
Have you ever seen Taps?
}}}Ewww... I don't think so. Remember how people got bent out of shape
}}}over the joke about Homer gettting Dr. Ngor's award, and Ned's dream
}}}of being a clock-tower sniper? Well, this is doing it *deliberately*!
}}
}}Well, I need to be extreme here. What else should one blow up in order
}}to be a Three-Star General?
}
}Just don't say *Federal* Building! "Won't somebody think of the
}*children*!"
OK, how about "government building"? Or "government warehouse"?
Hell, "government storage depot"? I want to get as close to saying
"federal building" as I can without, apparently, actually saying it.
}}}Now, this is just *creepy*. Maybe you can make it fly in the middle
}}}of an act, but you don't want to go to commercial on a downer like
}}}this! Besides, wasn't Bart *questioning* the violence in the militia
}}}a few minutes ago?
}}
}}Can I end on Bart: "THAT I can do."? I think this script was running
}}a bit long anyway.
}
}I suppose I'll allow it.
Done. The script was running long anyway. For instance, the scene
where Bart and Milhouse are in jail, and the jury selection for the
trial, have been cut out due to length restrictions. (I suppose I
could cut out the spoo thread, and bring those scenes back in.)
}}}} CASHIER
}}}}
}}}} Yes, sir!
}}}
}}}Wouldn't the cashier be the generic teenager? I have a feeling he'd
}}}have to say something stupid like, "We have a phone?"
}}
}}Yeah, but that would prevent the next part of the script (the view
}}of Krusty's speed dial selections).
}
}Not really. Have Krusty push zitface out of the way, and go to the
}phone.
I guess, but I wanted Krusty out in the customer area so that the
customer could come up to him and complain about the burger.
}}}Maybe "That's... our special Glass Burger... it costs a dollar extra!"
}}}Better yet, have the customer be Chief Wiggum!
}}
}}I dunno, I think it's funnier that Krusty accepts glass could be cooked
}}into the food.
}
}Still, having Wiggum complain about his burger when a bomb just went
}off is a good gag.
How about this new ending to the scene.
Wiggum walks up to Krusty, holding a soda cup with many little holes
in it. Soda squirts from each hole.
Wiggum: Yeah, and I want a new soda too.
Krusty: Why? Is it *my* fault the bomb went off? Go *buy* a new soda!
Wiggum: Hey, you want this investigated or what?
Krusty: (grabbing soda, walking away) Grrrr...
}}}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}}}
}}}} At first the Babysitter Bandit was
}}}} suspected, but she denied guilt, and the
}}}} police had to admit that being in jail
}}}} was a pretty good excuse. Burger magnate
}}}} Krusty The Clown had this to say.
}}}
}}}How about a press conference with Chief Wiggum, where he delivers a
}}}Wiggum version of this line?
}}
}}You mean the Quimby line? No... the sentiments expressed here are
}}definitely Quimby.
}
}No, I mean the Brockman line. A press conference where he admits
}that the B.B. being in jail is a pretty good excuse.
Oh, I see. Yeah! Sounds good! It's in!
}}}} KENT BROCKMAN
}}}}
}}}} Thank you, Mr. Mayor!
}}}
}}}Quimby replies, "You are welcome."
}}}
}}You don't think it'd just be unnecessary clutter?
}
}The line makes me laugh. Quimby completely misinterpreting the
}'thank you'.
OK, that's in too.
}}}Cut to a beat cop, pointing his gun downwards. Cop says, "You're in
}}}for it now, Simpson!" Then we see that he's cornered Ralph! And
}}}Ralph says something totally Ralphish.
}}
}}Hmmm... maybe... yeah. It could work. Anyone got an idea for a
}}Ralph line? Would "I wet my pants." be enough? (Hey, the cop pulled
}}a gun on him.... Ralph got scared... you can't blame him!)
}
}"I ate two waffles today." Totally non-sequitour, and oblivious to
}the situation.
Well, as soon as I read "I ate two waffles today", I started cracking
up. That's a good indicator. It's in!
}}}} GUARD
}}}}
}}}} You've got visitors.
}}}
}}}Bart, "Oh, it's not that Hutz guy *again*?"
}}
}}But Hutz doesn't show up.
}
}Yes, but it suggests that Hutz has come to solicit himself for the
}trial many, many times. You get a Hutz without having to have Hutz!
Well, as it stands now, the scene has been cut.
}}}} HOMER
}}}}
}}}} (RELIEVED) Phew!
}}}
}}}Maybe pats his belly and says, 'Thank *YOU*!'
}}
}}Nah, that'd blow the repetition joke I've got going with the earlier
}}"Phew!" that Bart wasn't involved with international drug lords.
}
}It doesn't happen often enough to be a running gag.
I'll add another one somewhere.
}}}Err... 'mince words' just isn't a Bart phrase... sorry...
}}I guess, but what else really fits?
}
}"Oh, I admit it..." Not funny, but at least within character.
How about "Nah. Their hearts are in the right place, but.... oh,
forget it -- they're a bunch of wackos!"?
}}}Well, still a vast improvement, not that Steven cares! ;)
}}
}}Hey, stay lucid & we won't have any problems.
}
}Oh, you mean if I don't let you provoke me, you won't try to provoke
}me? That's specious reasoning. ;O
C'mon, let's not fight over this. No one wins.
Steven Boswell
wha...@yyz.com