Capsule: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (4F21)
Benjamin Robinson
which means that we've finally caught up with the eighth season. Woo hoo!
As with the other capsules, this one should be at the SNPP.com capsule page
<http://www.snpp.com/episodes.html> within a few days.
I'll be spending the remainder of this year doing file system maintenance.
Starting with the new year, we'll get underway with those ninth season
capsules. See you there.
And now, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson."
The Secret War of Lisa Simpson Written by Rich
Appel
Directed by Mike
Anderson
==============================================================================
Production code: 4F21 Original Airdate on FOX:
18-May-1997
Capsule revision A (14-Dec-1998)
==============================================================================
> "TV Guide" Synopsis {hl}
==============================================================================
(Canada) There's no life like it when Lisa joins an all-boy military
academy and gets the sound off from all the male cadets, including Bart.
Her will to succeed is tested when she faces a grueling physical test
known
as The Eliminator. Willem Dafoe provides a guest voice.
==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Couch: The room is upside-down. OFF run in on the ceiling and sit
down on the couch, until they fall to the "real" ground.
[Recycled from 4F01]
==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold:
... Lisa has now graduated from the second grade _three_ times?
Don Del Grande:
... Ralph was the only one not bored by the sand movie?
... Miss Hoover didn't rewind the sand movie?
... while Otto's bus had its windows broken by the sound wave, neither
Homer's car nor the police cars had their windows damaged?
... they don't haze the new students their entire first year? (Or is
that
something that just happens in movies like "Taps"?)
... the Commandant calls the cadets "gentlemen", including Lisa?
... they don't go to "Painless Dentistry" (like they did in 9F15) any
more?
Jeremy Gallen:
... the General thinks Bart can handle a large weapon because he went to
[public] school, but doesn't think Lisa can, even though she goes to
[public] school?
... Bart is smart to avoid shooting the nuclear waste and bombs, because
if
you did in real life, it would cause a mass explosion?
... Lisa says "My God" before she says "I'm delirious", like people in
previous episodes have done?
... the graduates are all dressed in Marine uniforms?
Jason Hancock:
... Wiggum's answering machine has "Delete" and "On/Off" buttons?
... the boy in the "Moon" film eats with a three-pronged fork?
... the Chiquita, Del Monte, and Dole banana labels are written in
outline
form?
... the picture of the Washington Monument in the general's office?
... Homer is eating "Krunchy Korns" as Lisa calls?
... the flag does not move at all during the graduation ceremonies?
Darrel Jones:
... Bart falls for the Disneyland prank TWICE?
... Bart's megaphone chain has 15 megaphones?
Joe Klemm:
... the string holding the moon in the film?
... the Mr. Ripe and Peel King stickers on the police radio?
... Maggie had two pacifiers up her ears?
... Rommelwood was founded in 1812?
Haynes Lee:
... police department entrance like those in New York City?
... space film copyrighted 1952 by the U.S. Moon Department ["long before
anybody even managed to launch a satellite," notes {ddg}]
... U.S. flag has 13 stripes and 54 (6x9) stars?
... Bart looks and talks like the Marines from the American embassy in
Australia?
... fellow cadets are like boys from Shelbyville?
Dallas J. Pesola:
... the joint taped to the hippie's mouth?
... the banana peel in the "comm room" garbage can?
... the octopus' eyeballs are in the same place as Frink's after it wraps
itself around Frink's head?
... the Eliminator rope was made of hemp? [Partly. It was hemp-jute --
Ed.]
... none of the cadets sitting *behind* Lisa in the cafeteria threw
meatballs at her?
Benjamin Robinson:
... in the very last scene, there's a white 1970 Mercury Cougar in the
parking lot?
==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
- Dan Castellaneta (Adlai Stevenson [?], Homer, Anderson {dga}, Abe
Simpson)
- Julie Kavner (Marge)
- Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph, Cadet in poetry class, Cadet leader,
Nelson)
- Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
- Hank Azaria (Chief Wiggum, "Sand" announcer, "Moon of Earth" announcer,
Professor Frink, Poetry instructor, Cadet #2 {dga}, Rangemaster)
- Harry Shearer (Principal Skinner, Jasper)
- Special Guest Voice
- Willem Dafoe (Commandant)
- Marcia Wallace (Edna Krabappel)
- Also Starring
- Pamela Hayden (Janey {dga})
- Tress MacNeille (Nurse)
- Maggie Roswell (Mrs. Hoover, Franklin {dga})
==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
+ "The Private War of Major Benson" {bw}
- this episode parodies title of this 1955 comedy, featuring Charlton
Heston, as the merciless ROTC commander in a military school run by
nuns
~ "The Secret World of Alex Mack" {cr}
- title of this episode could be a parody on the title of this
Nickelodeon series
- O.J. Simpson's Bronco chase {hl}
- the police cars following Bart on the lawnmower
+ Shannon Faulkner and the Citadel
- Lisa's efforts to enter Rommelwood similar to Ms. Faulkner's
real-life
experience [See "Comments" section -- Ed.]
+ "Police Squad" / "Naked Gun" {djp}
- Wiggum drove his car poorly and up on the curb the same way that
Frank
Drebin does
+ Mr. Peanut {jh}
- "Mr. Ripe" looks a little like him
- "Back to the Future" {dj}
- the scene where Bart uses the megaphones similar to the movie scene
where Marty uses the large speakers on his guitar
- "Alien" {hl}
- octopus attaching itself to Prof. Frink's face in alien-like fashion
- German general Rommel {hl}
- school named Rommelwood [More, "Comments" section -- Ed.]
~ Eggo Waffles {djp}
- Homer says "leggo my leg" ({djp} admits, "I know ... it's a
stretch")
- "The Lords of Discipline" {hl}
- hazing at the school
- "Full Metal Jacket" {hl}
- rifle range scene a bit similar
- "An Officer And A Gentleman" {hl}
- obstacle course female cadet must complete to pass
- throwing the hats into air after graduation
- "Rebel Without a Cause" (rs}
- when Bart was trying to teach Lisa to cross the big ditch at night,
one of the cadets confronting him was dressed like James Dean from
this movie
- "American Gladiators" {jk}
- the Eliminator is the same name as the final event on the show
- Marlboro Cigarettes {jg}
- the General says "Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country," which is
this
brand's slogan
- "A Christmas Story" {jk}
- Lisa's arms are stuck after the Eliminator, like Randy's when he's
in
his winter clothes
- It's a Small World {jk}
- a riff from this song heard as the family pulls up to the dentist's
office
==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- The Simpsons in the Military (or the other way around) {hl}
- [1F18] Sergeant Seymour Skinner
- [2F13] Marines at American Embassy in Australia
- [2F18] Homer's drill Sergeant
- [3F08] Colonel Hapablap
- [3F19] Grampa and the Flying Hellfish
- [7G02] Bart's at another school {mss}
- [7G03], [8F03], [1F11] SES students on a field trip {mss}
- [8F15] Bart redefines himself as authority figure {dsb}
- [8F16] "Life without zinc" film shown {hl}
- [8F24], [3F22] Lisa graduates from second grade {dga}
- [8F24] Bart and Lisa spend some time away from the rest of OFF {mss}
- [9F03] Homer must punish Bart {hl}
- [9F13] Bart used a similar (albeit a Nerf version) gun {hl}
- [9F15] Grampa goes into a tangent about onions {hl}
- [9F18] Bart is promised something exciting, really a cover-up for a
punishment {mss}
- [1F11] Bart strays from his class on a field trip {mss}
- [1F18] misdirected missile hits other target {dsb}
- [1F19] Skinner threatens to send Bart to military school {mss}
- [2F14] "Flavor country" is mentioned {jh}
- [2F19] Miss Hoover quickly disappears from classroom {hl}
- [2F21] Marge having trouble with obstacle course at police academy {hl}
- [2F22] Shelbyvillians make turnip juice {hl}
- [3F03] Lisa (instead of Bart) driving away with lawnmower {hl}
- [3F05] Homer must negotiate high, skinny pipe (cf. Lisa and the
Eliminator)
{asv}
- [3F13] Adlai Stevenson is referenced (cf. his grave in 3F13) {jh}
- [4F01] Nelson (cf. Wiggum) keeps his key under the "Welcome" mat {jh}
==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- Banana stickers not mentioned by Chief Wiggum {dj}
- Mellow Yellow, Mr. Ripe, Peel King
- "Moon of Earth" trailer {djp}
Dallas Pesola notes: The "moon" film had writing on it at the end that
read "sand [which was crossed out] 'Moon of Earth'"
- Your weight on the moon {bjr}
EARTH/MOON
WEIGHT CONVERSION CHART
200 -------------------
+-+
150 -| |---------------
| |
100 -| |---------------
| |
50 -| |---------------
| | +-+
0 -+-+--------+-+----
EARTH MOON
WEIGHT WEIGHT
(C) 1952, U.S. Department of Moon
- At the Rommelwood gate {bjr}
ROMMELWOOD
A TRADITION OF HERITAGE
- On the classroom blackboard {nk}
John Keats (civilian)
==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
= In "The Moon of Earth", the flag behind Adlai Stevenson has 44 stars, not
48 (as there were in the flag at the end). {ddg}
= While Chief Wiggum is inside talking to Homer, he's also in one of the
police cars chasing Bart in the lawn mower. {ddg}
+ Since when do the Simpsons have a riding mower? [Possibly since "Lisa
the
Vegetarian (3F03)," but most people thought that was an error, as well --
Ed.] {ddg}
* Why would Lisa expect SES to teach her about poetry? We didn't get to
that
stuff until Junior High. {jg}
= In the wide-angle shots, the phone has only nine buttons instead of the
normal twelve; also, Grampa's rotary phone has only eight slots instead
of
ten. {jh}
= The Commandant's insignia is much more visible in the latter parts of the
show than in the earlier ones. {ddg}
= Homer throws one rock, but more than one kid moves. {mg}
* Gauge is a measure of thickness. The eliminator rope was 60 gauge, which
would be extremely thin. As a reference, most stereo speaker wire is
14-18
gauge. [More, "Comments" section -- Ed.] {djp}
= Lisa's harness doesn't appear until after she starts falling. {ddg}
= When Lisa gets to the platform on top of the "Eliminator," she backs up
against the pole and looks down. The screen shot shows her feet hanging
in
mid-air! {pu}
* Does this mean Lisa is going to continue her education in military
school?
(We'll never know, as we'll never see Lisa in third grade...) {ddg}
==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Dale G. Abersold: Well, it wasn't "Summer of 4 Ft. 2", but at least it was
better than I had feared it would be. Lisa's military-school travails
were
well set-up, although the plot never really went anywhere. Still, as
always, plenty of funny moments: Bart's havoc with a bullhorn was the
highlight of the show. I just wish it had a more satisfying climax. (B)
Joseph J. Barder: A better episode than either "My Sister, My Sitter" or
"The
Old Man and the Lisa," because Lisa actually ends up succeeding.
However,
while Bart starts out back in old form, he loses all of it when he goes
to
military school. He should have secretly humiliated the school, not
conform to this pack of thugs. (B+)
Vince Chan: Another season finale has come upon the show. How many more
lie
ahead, on the road to the series finale? This episode was overall good.
The first act was chock filled with great memorable moments and quotes.
It
was so predictable, when Lisa was climbing on the Eliminator, that she
would make it to the other side. Now if it was Homer ... Great finale
overall. It's a season finale to remember. (B+)
Don Del Grande: This episode had too many things I've seen too many times
beforehand (Lisa treated as an outcast; Grampa going on and on; Homer
just
lying there; Marge's speeches) without too many things that were worth
laughing at. (B-)
Masarath Ghiasuddin: Finally! After a really shaky season, we get
quintessential Simpsons: the exploits of Bart and Lisa, with the other
characters used mainly for laughs. It was a nice change to see Bart
being
nice. I was ROFL at "We better go change!" (A)
Jason Hancock: An average ending to an average season. I was glad that
Lisa
didn't turn into a PC thug like I had feared, but the story was still a
little weak especially since the basic premises (Bart being punished,
Lisa
being neglected) have been done better in other episodes. (C+)
Ryan Johnson: VERY, VERY disappointing. It's amazing how far a show can
fall
in one season. The episode was so bad, I really must wonder why anyone
bothered to make it. Seeing Bart spun on a propeller and Lisa firing a
machine gun really made me feel like I was watching a show that just
happened to contain characters from the Simpsons. Where's the realism?
The relevancy? Gone. (F)
Bill Pentney: The Simpson writers are running out of plot ideas, but the
show
hasn't lost it. This wasn't the best I've seen ("The Springfield Files",
which followed it tonight, was better) but it had its moments, like the
film about the moon. "Couldn't we be doing something more stimulating,
Miss Hoover?" "Eh, probably." (B)
Matt Rose: I liked this one so much I watched it three more times! This
one
had everything - it made me laugh hysterically and I enjoyed the bonding
between Lisa and Bart. I got that same good feeling from episodes like
"Lisa's Wedding" and "Lisa on Ice". And I always enjoy anything with
Professor Frink. A great rip on the military institutions of our
country.
Definitely one of this season's best, and deserving of its position as
the
season finale. It really is great to see that after so many years,
they've
still got it. I only wonder what the final season (maybe) has to offer.
(A)
Donni Saphire-Bernstein: This was a solid, hilarious expansion into
territory
that's always been in the back of every Simpsons episode- what if Bart
got
into SERIOUS trouble and couldn't weasel out of it? The episode then
read
like a semi-serious topic, but studded throughout with hilarious asides
and
observations. I enjoyed it very much. Unlike the past two episodes
(Homer's Enemy and Spinoffs), this was a straightforward Simpsons episode
and played like one. [...] The whole little thingamajig with
filmstrips,
the running gag of Bart and police cars, Wiggum's incompetence- all
further
proof of how this show stays head and shoulders above everything else.
(A)
Rock Shum: This was a great ending for a great season! This is the second
year in a row that they ended with a very touching and funny Lisa
episode.
I thought this was gonna be a Shannon Faulkner-Citadel type thing when I
heard about the plot, but Lisa proves to girls and woman that their is
place for them in the military. While Lisa wasn't up to it physically,
she
sure deserved the equal rights to attend the academically superior
military
school. It was touching to see Bart come out in cheer for Lisa to cross
the big ditch. [...] Bart-Lisa episodes are always good, and I hope to
see
more. (A)
Marge Starbrod-Simpson: Bad jokes, bad storyline, stupid ending, 'nuff
said.
Thank God for the repeat of 3G01 afterwards! However, this is only
number
five on my worst episode list. (D-)
Aaron Varhola: A very good season finale; Lisa and Bart were well within
character, and it was good to see how they both developed away from the
stultifying experience of Springfield Elementary. Bart was particularly
multifaceted; he was able to prove himself as a cadet, while also
encouraging Lisa to succeed. Good and well-timed gags, as well. The
only
drawbacks were a moment of [crud] at the end, and the unrealism of
weapons
use among the cadets. (A)
Yours Truly: This season's wrap-up tale is a surprisingly serious test of
Lisa's character. An excellent script by Richard Appel avoids falling
into
the snare of having Lisa climb onto her soapbox. Apart from the first
act,
this episode wasn't really a laugh riot, and Lisa's suffering may turn
some
viewers off. Still, stories like this demonstrate why "The Simpsons" is
no
ordinary sitcom. (A-)
AVERAGE GRADE: B (3.03) Std Dev.: 1.1481 (21 reviews computed)
==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Writer Watch
Dale G. Abersold: Richard Appel has been one of the more successful writers
to join the series in the last few years. His first efforts were the
almost universally beloved "Mother Simpson" [3F06] and "Bart on the Road"
[3F17]. This season's "Bart After Dark" was less popular with a.t.s
critics, but was still liked by many.
>> He probably should have stuck with more "Simpsons" episodes
Dale G. Abersold fills us in on Mr. Dafoe's background: Willem Dafoe has
had
what can only be described as a "varied" career. After gaining fame with
the Chicago-based Steppenwolf acting troupe, he made his film debut as an
extra in "Heaven's Gate." He has appeared in films that are good
("Platoon" and "The English Patient"), bad ("Body of Evidence"),
controversial ("The Last Temptation of Christ" and "Mississippi
Burning"),
and weird ("Faraway, So Close!"). His next role is as the villain in
"The
Bus That Couldn't Slow Down 2". Er, I mean, "Speed 2".
>> Y'know, most guys =like= it when girls come to campus.
Benjamin Robinson: Lisa's travails at Rommelwood are obviously based on
Shannon Faulkner's miss-adventures at The Citadel. For over a century,
the
Citadel was a military academy-type college in South Carolina.
Traditionally, it was an all-male institution; no women need apply. And,
I'll bet, few women wanted to apply. Ms. Faulkner decided to buck the
trend, however. She submitted an application that omitted all mention of
her gender, and was accepted. When she told the Citadel, in effect, "I
obviously made the cut, so you should let me in," the school refused.
The
matter ended up in the courts system, which decided that since the
Citadel
received funds from the federal government, it was bound by federal non-
discrimination rules. The Citadel was faced with two choices: go
private
(since privately-funded rules could be one-sex-only), or admit Ms.
Faulkner
into their Corps of Cadets program (she had been attending as a day
student while the courts pondered their ruling). The former clearly
wasn't
feasible, and the Citadel, for the first time in its history, admitted a
young woman. Feminists everywhere declared a great victory, while
students
at the college prepared to make her life there a living hell.
The story didn't end there, however. Another Citadel tradition holds
that
new students must get their heads shaved as part of a school initiation.
Ms. Faulkner tried to get out of this, which poked a hole in her previous
argument that she should be treated like any other cadet. Her older
argument held sway, however, and she joined the other shaven-headed
"knobs"
on campus. Alas, it was all for naught; the school's rigorous physical
initiation proved to much for her, as it did for many male students
before
her, and she dropped out. Since then, a few other female students
attempted to break the gender barrier at the Citadel; they met the same
fate as Shannon Faulkner. Only time will tell if the Citadel will yield
to
change and become a co-ed school, or if tradition will ultimately hold
sway.
>> Classroom Cinema
Bill Pentney remembers: Outdated or bizarre movies seem to be a staple of
any
public school education. When I was in third grade (in the mid-1980's!),
I
really saw a filmstrip like the one Lisa saw about the moon in class -
although Adlai Stevenson made no appearance, there were references to
"someday Americans will walk on the moon" and such. I also recall one
which involved a girl dreaming about a world without rules, and before
she
wakes up we hear her going "Rules ... Rules ... come back" or something
like that, not unlike the "Zinc ... Zinc ..." in episode 8F16.
Darrel Jones points out that the film wasn't completely without educational
value: The Earth/Moon Weight conversion chart in the filmstrip appears
to
suggest a weight of 180 pounds on the Earth is equivalent to a weight of
60
pounds on the moon. The correct ratio is 6:1, so the filmstrip has this
detail correct (and probably ONLY this detail... :) )
>> Over 100 billion sold
Benjamin Robinson: Not to trod on Haynes Lee's territory, but I think I
spotted an urban legend when Chief Wiggum pointed out the "California
Cheeseburger." According to legend, a couple leave their infant child in
the care of a teen-aged babysitter and enjoy a night on the town. When
they return, the obviously stoned babysitter reports that the baby is
fine,
and the turkey is in the oven. "What turkey?" the parents ask themselves
-
- until the horrible truth about what's <really> cooking hits them...
There are several variations on this story, but thankfully none of them
have proven true. Still, that does not seem to have stopped Chief Wiggum
from using the notion of edible babies to scare the kiddies straight.
>> Oh, =that= Rommel
Benjamin Robinson: Rommelwood named for this World War II German general.
He
is most known for fighting in the North African theater of operations.
Later, he would come to disagree with Hitler's twisted goals, and joined
a
conspiracy to kill him. This would, I suppose, make him one of the less
objectionable Nazis.
>> And hey, the make topping lawn ornaments, too!
Aaron Varhola: The Terra Cotta Warriors of Xi'an (Sian) are approximately
6000 life-size, uniquely sculpted soldiers found in the tomb of Emperor
Shih Huang Ti, of the Ch'in dynasty, who ruled until his death in 210
B.C.
They are regarded as one of the greatest examples of ancient art. (Some
of
the figures were exhibited in Portland this past summer at the "Tombs of
Ancient China" exhibit at the Portland Art Museum).
Benjamin Robinson adds: The amazing thing is, whoever made the statues
didn't
just make a mold and pop out [6,000] copies. Each statue has a different
face and is a unique as you or I. Some small groups of the statues have
been removed from their tomb, and the public may now look at them in
museums around the world.
>> She may be crazy and alone, but what great poetry!
Aaron Varhola's poetry corner: Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) was a poet best
known for her reclusiveness; she withdrew from the world in her late
20's,
and did little except for household chores and writing for the rest of
her
life. A commentator said that her isolation helped her focus on her
writing by keeping a distance from the world. Only six or seven of her
poems were actually published during her lifetime, and those without her
permission. A sample of her work, which might apply to Lisa in this
episode
Aspiration
We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies.
The heroism we recite
Would be a daily thing,
Did not ourselves the cubits warp
For fear to be king.
--- from Erin's Emily Dickinson Page,
<http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/3607/emily.htm>
>> Gauging the thickness of that rope...
Oliver Thomas: The measurement of shotgun shells (gauge) has its roots in
times when materials were very rare. The caliber is the number of shells
you could produce out of one old English pound of lead (correct word?
chem.
Pb)! [Yes, that's the word -- Ed.] So the greater the number, the
smaller
the diameter. The average shotgun shell is 12. Had to learn it for a
German weapons license some time ago.
>> The State of Simpsonity
Joseph J. Barder observes: Either Lisa and Bart are dumber than we thought,
or Springfield's either in California or a state nearby. Otherwise, why
would they believe they're going to Disneyland by car, on a trip that
apparently is as long as a trip to the dentist? (They're not very
observant in the car, either.)
>> The Haynes Lee alterna-title for this show
Lisa Simpson Goes To War
==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Oh, boy! It's time for a fourth-grade field trip and this time, Bart
% gets to go someplace more exciting than the box factory -- the police
% station. Or at least, it would be more exciting if the station were
% actually open. Right now, though, the doors are securely locked as
% Ms. Krabappel and her class wait on the front steps.
%
% With sirens wailing, Chief Wiggum pulls up in front of the children,
% hitting the curb.
Boy, it's getting harder and harder to make it here by ten.
-- Chief Wiggum with the early-morning blues, "The Secret War of Lisa
Simpson"
% Wiggum gets the police station key from under the doormat, unlocks
% the door, and lets everyone inside.
Wiggum: We'll start the tour in a second. I just gotta check the
answering machine.
[does so; there are 75 messages]
Aw, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own
hands? [deletes the messages]
-- If you want it done right ... "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The first stop on the tour is the museum ... of crime.
Wiggum: Now, what I am about to show you next may shock and educate
you. Hold onto your values as we step through the looking
glass into a hippie pot party.
[flicks a switch, lighting a mannequin with a joint crudely
stuck to his mouth]
While Johnny Welfare plays acid rock on a stolen guitar, his
old lady has a better idea.
[lights up another mannequin, of a woman opening wide to eat
a baby sandwich. (That's a sandwich with a baby in it, not a
really tiny sandwich.) The crowd gasps]
That's right, she's got the munchies for a California
Cheeseburger.
-- Would you like fries with that? "TSW"
% Back at Springfield Elementary, Lisa's class finishes watching a
% movie about sand.
So the next time you're walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or
making cheap, low-grade windshields, think where we'd be without sand!
-- "Sand" movie narrator, "TSW"
% Without much enthusiasm, Miss Hoover loads the next movie onto the
% projector. Lisa asks if the class could be doing something more
% challenging. "Probably," Miss Hover says with even less enthusiasm,
% and rolls the next film, "The Moon of Earth."
Narrator: The moon. For several years, she has fascinated many. But
will man ever walk on her fertile surface?
[cut to a shot of Adlai Stevenson at some sort of press
conference]
Democratic hopeful Adlai Stevenson says so.
Stevenson: I have no objection to man walking on the moon.
[photographers snap several pictures]
[cut back to the moon where a family plays on the moon's
fertile surface]
Narrator: By 1964, experts say man will have established twelve
colonies on the moon, ideal for family vacations.
[a man fishes a comely moon maiden out of a crater. She
winks at the audience]
[a chart shows the difference]
Once there, you'll weigh only a small percentage of what
you weigh on Earth.
[cut to a shot of a chubby boy eating pie]
Slow down, tubby! You're not on the moon yet!
[cut to a shot of the moon, with an American flag
superimposed on it. The camera pulls back to reveal some
men in spacesuits]
The moon belongs to America, and anxiously awaits the
arrival of our astro-men. Will you be among them?
[fini. The film runs off the reel]
Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover?
Janey: [looks out the window] Hey, her car's gone.
Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon.
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Lisa talks to Principal Skinner with the hope of making Miss Hoover's
% class more academically rigorous.
Lisa: It's not my nature to complain, but so far today we've had
three movies, and an hour and a half of magazine time. I
just don't feel challenged.
Skinner: Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa, but
then the stupider students would be in here complaining,
furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the
situation.
-- Damned if you do, and damned if you don't, "The Secret War of Lisa
Simpson"
% Meanwhile, the fourth graders' tour of the police station takes them
% to the communications room (or "comm room"). Wiggum shows the
% children the police radio, which serves as both a communication
% device, and a handy surface for banana stickers. Wiggum then leads
% the class into the next room, where he'll sit down and rest for a few
% minutes.
%
% Bart lingers behind. He chances upon a wall of bullhorns, takes one
% down, and tries it out. He takes a second one down, puts it up to the
% speaker of the first one, and tries again. Sure enough, it's a
% noticeably louder. Then he looks at the bullhorns on the wall, and
% the pair in his hand, and then back at the wall five times, and gets
% an idea.
%
% Bart lines them up, with one end of the row propped up on the
% windowsill, and the other on a chair. He turns them on. A fly buzzes
% past the microphone on the first horn, and the amplified buzzing
% shakes the whole row. Now it's Bart's turn; he's excited, because if
% one bullhorn makes your voice loud, then an entire row must do
% something really spectacular. Bart leans toward the row of horns, and
% says, "Testing."
%
% The results are spectacular indeed! The noise from Bart's "Testing"
% blasts him into the opposite wall of the comm room. Meanwhile a shock
% wave rips through the town, breaking windows and wreaking havoc. The
% front window of a pet shop is broken, and all the parrots echo, "Awk!
% Testing! Testing!" Professor Frink is caught unawares when the sound
% wave detonates the aquarium of an octopus he's experimenting upon.
% Freed, the animal latches itself to his face. The wave even reaches
% the Simpson home, shattering all of Homer's beer bottles.
%
% Later, Chief Wiggum and the Simpsons gather in the living room to
% talk about Bart's latest prank. Or at least they try to, since the
% echo of the bullhorns can still drown out normal conversation.
Homer: [yelling to be heard] You really did it this time, Bart!
You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Wiggum: In about ten to fifteen seconds.
Marge: I certainly hope [the ringing stops] so. [realizes she's
still yelling] Ooh! [puts her hand to her mouth]
That's better.
[Maggie removes to pacifiers she had been using as earplugs]
Now about your punishment, young man.
Bart: [gets up] I know, I'll go to my room to think about what I
did.
Homer: Oh, no, your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh,
garage.
Bart: [leaves] You're the boss.
Marge: I tell you, Chief, I just don't know what we're going to do
with him.
Wiggum: You know, you do have options.
[Bart rides by the living room window on a lawn mower]
For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded
are you to the Bart you know?
Homer: Not very.
Marge: No-o-o! No drugs! Bart just needs a little discipline.
Wiggum: Uh, hey, what about military school? It set my brother
straight. Now he owns and operates a famous cave.
Marge: You know, maybe Chief Wiggum is right. Military school is a
good idea.
[The family looks out the front window. Bart rides by in the
opposite direction, followed by police cars with their lights
flashing]
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The next day, Bart goes for a ride with the family. Thinking he's
% going to Disneyland, he throws his suitcase into the trunk, and gets
% in the car. Then it hits him -- nobody else has brought along =their=
% luggage. Homer hits the gas before Bart can make his escape. The car
% roars off, revealing Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel camped out
% on lawn chairs across the street.
Krabappel: [simultaneous with Skinner] Yay!
Skinner: Hooray!
Krabappel: You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes,
you don't know what to say.
Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could. [the two
clink champagne glasses]
-- When dreams come true, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Bart protests the change in itinerary.
Bart: Military school?! You lied to me!
Homer: [chuckles] Well, I'm sorry if you heard, "Disneyland," but I
distinctly said, "military school."
-- Blasted homonyms, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The car pulls up the long drive to Rommelwood Military Academy.
% While the family tours the facility, the camp Commandant pitches
% Rommelwood as a place where Bart can be molded onto a productive
% citizen through "an intensive program of push-ups and formation
% marching."
Marge: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the
middle of a semester.
Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so
that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart: Freak-outs?
Homer: If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire
semester?
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Continuing their tour of the school ground, the Commandant points out
% a row of cadets standing at attention. Lisa admires their discipline;
% Homer tests it by throwing a rock at them.
%
% The family and the Commandant peek into a classroom.
Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my
school.
Teacher: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be
considered beautiful?
Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
-- Imagine what they'd do to "The Waste Land", "The Secret War of Lisa
Simpson"
% Bart tries a last-ditch effort at a reprieve, literally clinging to
% his father's leg.
Bart: Please don't make me stay, dad. I'll do anything you say.
I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!
Homer: Let go my leg.
Bart: No!
Homer: Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school.
Lisa: And so am I.
[everyone else gasps]
This school has everything I ever wanted.
Marge: Lisa, no! This place is just a jail for children.
Bart: No jail can hold me.
[runs off, only to be returned by school M.P.s a few seconds
later]
-- Nice move, Houdini, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% [End of Act One. Time: 7:47]
%
% The Commandant tries to make sense of Lisa's announcement. It's an
% uphill battle.
Commandant: Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I
understand the situation. [clears throat] You're a girl.
Lisa: Yes.
Commandant: Oh, gosh darn it, I just don't understand the situation.
[clears throat again] You're a girl?
Lisa: All I want is the chance to prove myself.
Commandant: Hmm. In our 185 years, we have never had a female cadet.
But that seems to be the way the wind is blowing these
days. After all, we have female singers, female motorists
... Welcome aboard.
-- He's a progressive guy, all right, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Marge gives Lisa the opportunity to opt out.
Marge: Lisa, if you ever want to quit and come home, I'll be here in
half a jiff.
Bart: [poking his head into frame] I want to quit and come home.
[cut to shot of family getting into car]
I want to quit and come home.
Marge: Aw, honey, I heard you the first time.
[kisses him goodbye, gets in the car, and leaves]
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% With their parents gone, Bart and Lisa begin to settle in to their
% new environment. The commandant introduces the kids to their barrack-
% mates.
Commandant: Atten-hut! Gentlemen, we now have a girl cadet among our
ranks, so we're going to have to make a few changes.
First of all, Franklin, you are no longer the girliest
cadet here.
Franklin: [effeminate] Well, we'll see about that.
Commandant: Second, this is now the girls' barracks, so pack your
things, you're moving in with Company L.
Cadet Leader: Company L? But they smell!
Commandant: [quietly] Yes, we've all head the chant. [authoritative]
Now, fall out!
Lisa: [to cadets, as they file out the door] Sorry ... sorry
... I know we'll be friends ... Talk about getting off on
the wrong foot. [laughs weakly]
-- Winning friends and influencing people, "The Secret War of Lisa
Simpson"
% The displaced cadets grumble about their new classmate. Their leader
% [who, alas, remains nameless throughout the show] reminds them they
% can drive her out with the time-honored tradition of hazing.
%
% The next rainy night, Bart and Lisa are forced to do a little
% calisthenics.
Leader: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the
mud?
Lisa: Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in
more push-ups?
Cadet #2: [consults with platoon] No.
Lisa: [collapses into the mud]
-- A no-win situation, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% No course of hazing would be complete without the traditional
% cleaning of a large object with a tiny brush. In this case, Bart and
% Lisa are consigned to clean the grounds' signature statue of a general
% on horseback. Cleaning graffiti goes against Bart's nature, and he
% doubts if he'll survive his stay at Rommelwood. Lisa encourages him,
% saying that if he sticks with it, the other cadets will accept him.
% The cadet leader interrupts their gab session. "Get to work," he
% yells. "I want to see my face in that horse's ass!"
%
% Next, the cadets gather in front of a prop plane, idling its engines
% on the tarmac. "Okay, that's long enough," their leader decides.
% Someone kills the engines, and we see that Bart and Lisa are strapped
% to the propeller blades. The crowd decides that Bart has passed their
% test of mettle, and carries him off on their shoulders. Lisa, on the
% other hand, is left strapped upside-down to the propeller.
%
% But military school isn't all fun and hazing. It's time for weapons
% class on the firing range.
Rangemaster: Well, since you attended public school I'm going to assume
that you're already proficient with small arms, so we'll
start you off with something a little more advanced.
[hands Bart a fearsome-looking grenade launcher]
Bart: [impressed] Whoa!
[Bart shoots at the targets downrange, and hits four of
them. His fifth projectile goes sailing off in the
distance, however]
Rangemaster: Four out of five, Simpson; impressive. But you missed
your last target.
Bart: Did I?
[cut to Springfield Elementary parking lot. Skinner
stands over a smoking crater where his car used to be]
Nelson: [from school window] Ha, ha!
-- Explain THAT to your insurance agent, "The Secret War of Lisa
Simpson"
% The cadet leader is impressed with Bart's marksmanship, as well.
% Lisa doesn't seem to be the natural that Bart is. She somehow gets
% her rifle stuck on "auto-fire," and the recoil literally lifts her
% several feet in the air. The Rangemaster comes to her rescue.
Maybe you should just learn to use this. [hands Lisa a whistle] If
there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you.
-- Rangemaster at military school, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% That night, Lisa makes a phones home. "I am just calling home," she
% reassures herself, "I am not asking to =come= home." That's a good
% thing, because Homer isn't in the position to answer the phone.
% (After all, that would involve sitting up.) So, Lisa tries her luck
% with Grampa.
Nurse: [answers phone] Simpson.
Grampa: Hot diggity! I don't care if it's bad news!
Lisa: Oh, Grampa! You're not busy, are you?
Grampa: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first
one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the
pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ...
[later]
... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with
the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission
in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil
war in Spain ...
[much later]
... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up
to the time I got this phone call.
Lisa: Uh huh. So, anything else you want to talk about?
Grampa: I'm afraid I'd just be repeating myself, honey. Uh, anyway,
other people need to use the phone. [holds up receiver]
Jasper: Uh, uh. I've already talked to her twenty damn minutes.
-- Reach out and touch someone, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Dejected, Lisa hangs up. On her way out, she notices some mail from
% home in her pigeonhole. She takes it over to Bart's barrack and
% knocks on the door. The commotion inside immediately dies down, and
% Bart answers the door.
Bart: What is it?
Lisa: Bart, I got a cassette from Mom and Dad. I thought we could
listen to it together.
Bart: Gee, Lis, I'd love to, but this really isn't a good time.
Leader: [from inside barrack] Bart! Who are you talking to?
Bart: Uh ...
Lisa: Lisa! You're talking to Lisa.
Bart: I'm talking to ... no one. [closes door]
-- Ouch, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The Commandant orders lights out for the night, but when he tries to
% leave the barrack in the dark he slams into something. He orders
% lights on just long enough to limp to the door, then it's lights out
% again.
%
% Alone in the darkness of her barrack, Lisa listens to the cassette
% from home.
Marge: [on cassette] Don't worry, sweetie. It's very common to be
homesick when you're so far away from the people who love
you.
Lisa: [pauses tape] Okay, I'm not going to give up. Solitude never
hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some
of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known ...
then went crazy as a loon.
[forward the tape a bit, and then resumes playing]
Marge: [singing] You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me
happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much
I love you; so don't take my sunshine away.
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% [End of Act Two. Time: 14:35]
%
% The next day, Bart tries to make amends with Lisa.
Bart: Sorry I froze you out Lis, I, I just didn't want the guys to
think I'd gone soft on the girl issue.
Lisa: [sighs] I'm tired of being an issue, Bart. Maybe everyone
would be better off if I just quit.
Bart: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a
knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.
Lisa: Why'd you say that?
Bart: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces. But the point
is, you're going to make it Lis, and I'm going to stick by
you.
Lisa: Don't do that. Why should we both be outcasts?
Bart: Then I'll just stick by you in secret. Like a sock maker
secretly working on a top secret sock that ...
Lisa: [interrupts] Will you stop looking at your feet?
-- Some look to the heavens for inspiration, some don't, "The Secret
War of Lisa Simpson"
% Later, the Commandant calls an assembly.
Commandant: Well, cadets, it's been a great year. You've all worked
very hard developing academic skills and general killing
skills.
Bart: [aside to Lisa] My killing teacher says I'm a natural.
Commandant: But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina.
Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting
you against each other in a two-day battle royale.
[the cadets gasp]
That was prior to 1957, thank you very much state Supreme
Court. Consequently now, no cadet can receive a passing
grade for the academic year without first conquering this:
[gestures to a field overgrown with thorny bushes. At
either end of the field are two platforms mounted on high
poles. A rope is strung between each platform]
Meet the Eliminator. That's a 150-foot hand-over-hand
crawl across a sixty-gauge hemp-jute line with a blister
factor of twelve. The rope is suspended a full forty feet
over a solid British acre of old-growth Connecticut Valley
thorn bushes.
[turns to cadets]
Gentlemen, welcome to flavor country.
Lisa: This wasn't in the brochure.
-- And you thought finals were tough, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% At lunch, Lisa eats at a table by herself in the crowded cafeteria.
% Bart passes her, and slips her a note.
Lisa: [reading] Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S.,
The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you.
Ohhh ... [holds her tray up just in time to deflect a
fusillade of meatballs]
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% At the Eliminator, Lisa gets in some secret practice and tries to
% crawl along the rope. Despite Bart's encouragement, she slips off the
% line and falls toward the thorn bushes. Fortunately, a rope harness
% breaks her fall, and Bart swings her over some softer ground by a
% tree.
Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
Bart: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!
-- Getting more than she bargained for, "The Secret War of Lisa
Simpson"
% Bart hears the voices of his cadet-mates drawing closer. Hurriedly,
% he hauls Lisa up by the rope into the tree. The cadets and Bart
% question each other about their activities, and agree to let each
% other's alibi (nothing) pass. After they leave, Bart sighs with
% relief. Lisa isn't as relaxed, because Bart has inadvertently hauled
% her up next to a beehive. Started by the bees, Bart lets go of the
% rope and Lisa lands with a thud.
%
% It's Eliminator Day. The Commandant announces another policy change.
Commandant: Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the state Supreme
Court has determined that forcing cadets to cross the
Eliminator is a barbaric and malicious practice.
Lisa: Yes!
Commandant: Hence, you will be the last class to be subjected to it.
-- Don't get your hopes up too soon, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The Commandant begins subjecting students, in alphabetical order. As
% the day wears on, Bart gets his turn, and makes it across with some
% grumbling.
Good job, Simpson, although that's more cursing than I like to hear
from a cadet in peacetime.
-- Military school Commandant, "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Lisa's turn.
Commandant: Next up ... Simp-son, Lis-a.
[the crowd falls silent. The cadet leader plays, "Taps."
Lisa climbs the ladder to the first platform, as the crowd
begins jeering]
Lisa: Well, at least they're talking to me.
[at the top of the platform, she looks at the ground, which
appears to be 400 feet below her, rather than 40.
Tentatively, she grasps the rope and starts to cross in
hand-over-hand fashion]
If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be
cheering me on ... oh, God, I'm delirious.
[Lisa's hands slip, and she dangles from the rope by only
her legs]
Cadets: Drop! Drop! Drop! ...
Bart: [steps forward from the crowd] You can make it, Lisa. I
know you can! Come on, I know you can do it! Just get
your hands back on the rope! Just a little further! [Lisa
grabs the rope again and begins crawling] Come on, a little
bit more, you're doing great! That's it, come on, just a
little bit more!
[the other cadets try to silence Bart, but he wriggles free
of them]
I know you can do it, I believe in you!
[and she does it!]
Lisa: Yes! [she gets to the next platform, and climbs back down
to earth]
[arms raised] You said I couldn't but I could I did and I
could do it again let's do it again!
Bart: Lisa, it's over, you made it. You can put your arms down.
Lisa: I can't, they're stuck.
-- Winning ... "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% Not everyone is happy with Lisa's triumph.
Cadet #2: We're going to make your life a living hell for the rest of
the semester.
Leader: But, graduation's in three hours.
Anderson: We'd better go change!
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The Commandant addresses the graduating class.
The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea.
They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall
mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by
small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is
clear: To build and maintain those robots. Thank you.
-- Military school Commandant's graduation address, "The Secret War of
Lisa Simpson"
% The crowd throws their hats into the air, and cheers. Later, Homer
% and Marge collect their kids and get ready to return home.
Homer: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the
guns?
Bart: Sir! Yes, Sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional
forms of unarmed combat, sir!
Marge: Well, he seems to have gotten more confidence.
Homer: Uh, yeah, I've always said that the boy could use more
confidence.
-- "The Secret War of Lisa Simpson"
% The Commandant awards her with a well-deserved medal, "For
% Satisfactory Completion of the Second Grade," and salutes her. Lisa
% returns the salute, and admires the medal on the car ride home. Homer
% cheerfully announces that since Marge and he are so proud of what they
% accomplished, he'll take them to Disneyland "for real." The car pulls
% into the huge parking lot of ... the dentist. D'oh! Better luck next
% year, kids.
%
% [End of Act Three. Time: 21:18]
==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{asv} Aaron S. Veenstra
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{bw} Bucky Whaley
{cr} Cole Rieger
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dga} Dale G. Abersold
{dj} Darrel Jones
{djp} Dallas J. Pesola
{dsb} Donni Saphire-Bernstein
{hl} Haynes Lee
{jg} Jeremy Gallen
{jh} Jason Hancock
{jk} Joe Klemm
{mg} Masarath Ghiasuddin (What? You were expecting Matt Groening?)
{mss} Marge Starbrod Simpson
{nk} Noah Karchmer
{pu} Pamela Udomprasert
==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 1998 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (caps...@snpp.com). All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The
transcript itself is Copyright 1998 Benjamin Robinson. This capsule has
been
brought to you by Rommelwood Military Academy: Molding the citizens of
tomorrow with pushups and formation marching.
This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.
Many thanks to Dave Hall and Frederic Briere, who provided me with
alt.tv.simpsons archives when needed. This capsule wouldn't be nearly as
complete without their invaluable help.
--
Benjamin Robinson bj...@freenet.tlh.fl.us
This message may or may not contain sarcastic content; your burden to decide
"Men fall only in order to rise" -- The book of Zohar
2Fast4U
out...
2fast
RE J. Gallen's "didjanotice"