Homer Simpson quotes (must read!)
Ryan Powell
OK, here's a shitload of the absolute best homer quotes I could find.
If you know of any more funny quotes like these that are just as funny,
or funnier, let me know, so I can make this homer file the funniest.
If there's any major mistakes, misquotes, or whatever, let me know.
This is the first thing I've ever posted on this list, but this is
pretty damn funny...
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H O M E R S I M P S O N
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Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible
costs 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner...
except this guy
-
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something
old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot
how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
-
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot
bees at you?
-
Homer: Kids, Kids! I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Err...He sold poisoned milk to school children!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Hey, I'm just trying to make it easier on them
-
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What
about bacon?
Lisa: No
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh...ooh...yeah...right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical
animal
-
(Lisa is reading the list of things Homer wants his vigilante group to
accomplish)
Lisa: World domination?!?
Homer: Oops! That must be a mistake
Homer's Brain: Mental note - the girl knows too much
-
Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom
Marge: Oh, my God!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret
Homer: Marge, I never passed high school
Marge: That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it
does
Marge: But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician
Homer: Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay
Marge: What did you say?
Homer: I don't know. I flunked Latin, too
-
Mr Burns: (Golfing with Homer) Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm...open-faced club sandwich
-
Mr Burns: We don't have to be adversaries Homer, we both want a fair
Union contract...
Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr Burns: ...and if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute, is he coming onto me?
Mr Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's
the harm?
Homer's Brain: Oh my God! He is coming onto me!
Mr Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows
Homer's Brain: Arggh!
Homer: Sorry Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor
shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the
answer is no!
-
Lisa: Do you think you can get the dental plan back?
Homer: Well, that depends on who's a better negotiator. Mr. Burns or
Me!
Bart: Dad! I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old
danish
Homer: Done and done! Heh Heh Heh.....D'OH!
-
Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but...mmmmm...sacrilicious
-
Homer: Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I
present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead,
please give me no sigh whatsoever.....thy will be done
-
Homer: Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves
and gremlins and eskimos!
-
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he's got Bart!
Mr Burns: Why, Bart is right here!
Bart: Hello Mother. Hello Father. I missed you during my uneventful
absence
Homer: Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills
brain-cells! Now lets go back to that...building...thingy...where our
beds and TV...is
-
Big Brother Representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're
here?
Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm...revenge?
Homer's Brain: OK, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step
step...slam)
-
Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of the year
with an electrified fooling machine
-
Homer: Quiet, I can't hear myself think
Homer's Brain: I want some peanuts
Homer: That's better
-
Homer: Do you sell toys here?
Old Man: We sell forbidden objects that men fear to trade...but we
also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt!
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse
Homer: Ooo, that's bad
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed
Homer: That's bad
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate
(Silence)
Old man: That's bad
Homer: Can I go now?
-
Insurance Guy: O.K, now before I give you the check, I have just one
more question. That place Moe's you were coming back from, that is a
buisness of some sort...
Homer's Brain: Don't say you were at a bar, but what else is open at
night?
Homer: I was at a pornography store, I was buying pornography
Homer's Brain: Hehe, I woulda never thought of that
-
Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated
Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology
Homer: OK, I will!
-
Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it,
Michaelmelangelo?
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Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this. The only danger in space is if we land on the
terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...THAT
WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL
TO HELL!
-
TV: First, we take a delicious bar of chocolate
Homer: Chocolate!!
TV: Then we wrap it in caramel
Homer: Oooohh, sweeeet!
TV: And finally, we dip it in rich, creamery butter
Homer: AAarhrhghlll
Lisa: A subliminal idea can be planted in your mind without you even
knowing it
Homer: Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter
-
Homer: Mmmmm...64 slices of American cheese. 64.....63.....
Homer: 2.....1.....
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind
-
Homer: Be quiet, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip
-
Homer: Hey! Look at this country! (Pointing to Uruguay) You-are-gay!
Heh heh heh
-
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I'm here to pick up a letter
Postal Worker: Your first name?
Homer: I don't know
-
Homer: Moe, my friend has this problem with another woman and he
needs some advice
Moe: What's his name, Homer?
Homer: "Uhhh, it's Billy-Joe-Bob-Jack-Jimmy-Beetle-Bob Smith...yeah
Moe: Homer, that's the stupidest name I ever heard
(A man runs out of the bar crying)
Barny: Billy-Joe-Bob!
-
Homer: Ohh...How come the dog gets to eat meat?
Marge: Homer, that dog food's mostly made out of snouts and entrails
Homer: Mmmmmm...snouts
-
Homer: Mmmmm...crumbled-up cookie things
-
Homer: Just blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English. Ah, Tebore.
How many times you've saved my butt
-
Lisa: Dad! I had a Bad Dream!
Homer: Oh, Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it
Lisa: I know this seems absurd, but I was dreaming that the boogieman
was chasing me and...
Homer: AHHH! Boogieman!
(Homer runs to Bart's room)
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal
involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house!
Bart: AHHHHH!!!
-
Homer: What about those red balls they have on car aerials so you can
spot your car in a park. I think all cars should have them!
-
(The dog is chasing George Bush and his wife down the street)
Homer: Looks like he's barking up the wrong Bush! Heh heh!
Homer's Brain: Good job Homer, the cleverest thing you'll ever say
and no-one was around to hear it
Homer: D'oh!
-
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy,
I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie "Spaceballs," but
instead it was dark and disturbing...like that movie "Police Academy"
-
Homer: Ahh, the Grand Canyon! What a...grand...canyon
-
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience chicken?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples
Homer: Mmmmm...fuzzy
-
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes
Homer: But the car's OK?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh
Homer: Alright then
-
Homer: Awww...20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut
Homer's Brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: WOOHOO!
-
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask
her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on
any meat products
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup
like I do every morning
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard
what you said
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
-
Homer: Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the "Enrich Your
Wordpower" section. I think it's really...really...really...good
-
Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using
corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are
safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys, and the
weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities.
So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old
saying goes, let your children run wild and free
-
Homer: Can you hold the wheel? I have to scratch myself in two places
at the same time
-
Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He
had long hair and some wild ideas and he didn't always do what other
people thought was right. And that man's name was...I forget. But the
point is...I forget. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used
to drive that blue car
-
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
is: never try
-
Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case
Homer: I'm coming with you. I got you fired, it's the least I can do.
Well, the least I can do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you one
better and come along!
Apu: But, sir, the head office is in India
Homer: OK
Lisa: Dad, that's over ten thousand miles away
Homer: I'm aware of that
Lisa: That's over sixteen thousand kilometers!
Homer: D'oh!
-
Master: Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions
Apu: That's great, because all I need is one...
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Master: Yes
Homer: Really?
Master: Yes
Homer: You?
Master: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you
Apu: But I must...
Master: Thank you, come again
-
Billy Corgan: Hey cannonball, I like your statement: when life takes
a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing
Pumpkins
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely
-
Homer: God Himself told me I should seek a new path
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, really?
Homer: Yeah, He appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was
special because I usually dream about naked...Marge
Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26 "A foolish
man who who built his house on sand"
Homer: And you remember...Matthew...21:17!
Rev. Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany
and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah.....think about it!
-
Homer: I tell you, it's hard tiring work, but when I see the look on
those kid's faces, I just know their getting ready to stab me with
something
-
TV: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the
world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house...You could be
looking at it right now. It could be right in front of your face as
I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by
a loved one
Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down!
Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!
-
Homer: One size fits all, my butt
Heather Russell
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTTO QUOTES TO SEND ME, PLEASE?
DESPERATE
Richelle Lee-Marie Healey
>DO YOU HAVE ANY OTTO QUOTES TO SEND ME, PLEASE?
>DESPERATE
"Shut up old dudes, or I'll drive this bus into the river."
Clark M Hunter
Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit they got
these large chewy pretzels here rrrrrrrr beer rrrrrrrrr FIVE DOLLARS?! get
outta here.
James Metzger
Here's two:
Marge: I'm worried about the children. We need to get them back into school.
Homer: I know, this perpetual motion machine Lisa built is a joke. It keeps
getting faster and faster.
Later
Homer: (yelling) Lisa, get in here! In this house we follow the laws of
THERMODYNAMICS!!
&
Homer: Lisa if you don't like your job you don't quit. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed.
NeoSurfer
In article <324602...@aztec.asu.edu>, Ryan Powell
<rpo...@aztec.asu.edu> writes:
>Homer: Moe, my friend has this problem with another woman and he
>needs some advice
>Moe: What's his name, Homer?
>Homer: "Uhhh, it's Billy-Joe-Bob-Jack-Jimmy-Beetle-Bob Smith...yeah
>Moe: Homer, that's the stupidest name I ever heard
>(A man runs out of the bar crying)
>Barny: Billy-Joe-Bob!
>
>
This is GREAT STUFF. But I think you got this one wrong. It was Joey
JoJo Jr. Shabadoo.
Donna Coyne
Richelle Lee-Marie Healey (umhe...@cc.umanitoba.ca) wrote:
"Hey, MELLOW OUT, old dudes, or I'll jam this baby into a river!"
also:
-- "My name is Otto, I LOVE to get blotto!"
-- "Alcohol improves your driving ability...FALSE?!!? Oh, MAN!!"
-- Otto: Hey, landlord dude, somebody locked my room.
Landlord: What do you care? All that was in there was
some old biker magazines and a jar of mustard.
Otto: I had MUSTARD?
-- "I've never been called an adult before. Been tried as one, though."
-- "Uh-oh, you're the little dude with the narly powers!"
-- Otto: I don't want to be rude, but didn't you use to be a man?
You can tell me, I'm open-minded.
-- Otto (taking driving test): One time, Homer had a piece of
food stuck to his face for THREE DAYS!
[Patty and Selma laugh]
Otto: Yeah, and it wasn't something little, either!
It was a chicken wing!
-- The time when Otto stops the school bus to play the 17-minute
version of "Free Bird" and backs up traffic for miles.