REPOST: LIonel Hutz quotes
Haynes Lee
LIOENL HUTZ QUOTES
from the Lionel Hutz File
<http://www1.kingston.net/ik/lee/hutz.html>
Homer: Yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.
Hutz: Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law.
Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Hutz: I will like to talk to you about bringing legal action
to the fiend who did this to your boy.
Homer: Well the fiend who did this to my boy is my boss. Besides,
the doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken
toe, nothing serious.
Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! There is no telling what
type of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on
him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life. That's the
down side. Now here is the good part. You can ching ching ching
cash in on this tragedy.
Homer: Wow.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Hutz: Any calls Della?
Della: Calls? Oh calls. The Supreme Court called again.
Hutz: Tell them to sit tight. I'll get back to them.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
% Della: The Supreme Court called again.
% They need your help on some freedom thing.
%"Bart Gets Hit by a Car"
Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like
that?
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash
settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash
settlement.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also
be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our
gift to you.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Yeah, but what is truth? *If you follow me.*
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Now that's believable testimony.
"Bart Gets Hit By A Car"
Opposing Counsel: What is your opinion of him?
Marge: Hmmm... I'm sorry. My mother always said if you can't
say anything nice don't say anything at all.
Homer: Will that hold up in court?
Hutz: No, I've tried it before.
"Bar Gets Hit By A Car"
Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It
looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something!
"Old Money"
Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the
charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!
"Bart The Murderer"
Judge: Case dismissed!
Hutz: Your Honor... Do I still get paid?
"Bart The Murderer"
Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: [whines] Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78.
How about that! I looked something up!
These books behind me don't just make the office look good,
they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
"Flaming Moe's"
Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. I'm filing a class-action suit
against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the
play. I also play Mitch!
"A Streetcar Named Desire"
Hutz: Mrs Simpson, your sexual harassment case is just what I need
to rebuild my shattered career! Care to join me in a belt of
Scotch?
Marge: But it's 9.30 in the morning!
Hutz: Yeah but... I haven't slept in days. <glug, glug> Last
chance! <glug, glug> Ohh yeah!
"Marge Gets A Job"
Hutz: Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent and a paper trail
a mile long.
Burns: Yes. But I have ten high-priced lawyers.
Hutz: Ya, ya, yaaa!!! (runs out of office)
Homer: He left his briefcase. Hey, it's full of shredded newspaper.
"Marge Gets A Job"
Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent
advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending
Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are
the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!
"New Kid on the Block"
Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video-will
so I earn my fee simply by pressing the "play" button. Pretty sweet,
eh?
"Selma's Choice"
Late Ms. Bouvier [video-will]: Now let's get down to business...
Hutz (voice dubbed in): To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!!!
Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would.
"Selma's Choice"
Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get
you out of here. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising
than the last. The judge won't know what hit him.
Guard: Pipe down in there Hutz!
"Duffless"
Hutz: Now Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me
as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey.
<sniff> Better cut down there, Smokey! <laughs>
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: <excited> Look - he's taking another puff!
Marge: Mr. Hutz! This was all a misunderstanding; I didn't mean
to take anything.
<Lionel disappointedly drops the smoking monkey in a drawer full
of identical critters>
Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've
drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran
over his dog. Actually, replace `accidently' with `repeatedly', and
replace `dog' with `son'.
"Marge In Chains"
Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Who do you find more
attractive. Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?
Judge: What is the point of all this?
Prosecutor: Your Honor, I'm so confident of Marge Simpson's
guilt, that I can waste the court's time rating the
superhunks.
Hutz: Ooohh. He's gonna' win.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
"Marge in Chains"
Now Apu, Mrs. Simpsons claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle
of...
delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What's that? You
want
me to drink you? I'm in the middle of a trial.
"Marge In Chains"
Hutz: Now Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name.
Have you ever forgotten anything?
Apu: No. In fact I can recite pi to 40,000 places.
And the last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmm... pie.
Hutz: Well if you never forget anything. Tell me this. What color
tie am I wearing? (turns around)
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-windsor knot.
Hutz: Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well if that's what
you think, I have something to tell you [ugh]. Something which may
shock and discredit you [ugh]. And that thing is as follows
(as he finally undoes the whole tie). I'm not wearing a tie at
all.
[jury gasps]
Apu: If I am wrong about that. Maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
Hutz: No further questions.
[Hutz raises his arm and the tie is sticking out of his sleeve]
"Marge in Chains"
Hutz: Kids, I have a crazy feeling your mother's not going
to prison.
Bart & Lisa: Yay!
Lisa: You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow!
Hutz: Uh...wasn't he the black guy on The Mod Squad?
Bart: Mr. Hutz when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just
like you.
Hutz: Good for you, son.
If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
[Hutz imagines a scene of people of all nationalities (plus
Elvis)
holding hands and dancing around in a circle under a rainbow]
Hutz: Argh.
"Marge In Chains"
Hutz: And so, ladies and gentleman of the jury I rest my case.
Judge: Hmmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know that you're not wearing any pants?
Hutz: DAAAA!! I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right!! That's why you're the judge and I'm the
law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.
"Marge In Chains"
Judge: May I have the verdict please?
[Hutz hands him something]
Judge: This verdict is written on a bar napkin, and it still says
guilty, and guilty is spelled wrong.
Hutz: Oh yeah that thing.
"Marge In Chains"
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I
couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of
course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an
hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two
popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.
"Marge on the Lam"
Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have
secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for
ya.
"Marge On The Lam"
Don't touch my stuff! Hey, this isn't the YMCA...
"Marge On The Lam"
Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all of your personal papers?
Hutz: As of now, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel
Sanchez!
"Marge On The Lam"
Marge: Homer! Are you all right?
Homer: [meekly] No.
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar
last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist
of it.
"Treehouse of Horror IV"
Hutz: First some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom
breaks every half-hour.
Evil Flanders: Agreed. Number two, the jury will be chosen by me.
Hutz: Agreed. [realizing] No, wait --
Evil Flanders: Silence!
"Treehouse of Horror IV"
That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a
contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which
is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable! Excuse me, I must use the
restroom.
"Treehouse Of Horrors IV"
# Hutz: I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
# Marge: But we did win.
# Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
#"Treehouse of Horrors VI / 138th Episode Spectacular!"
Hutz: Well, you good folks can rest easy now because you've come
to the very best in legal representation.
Skinner: Uh, excuse me, is there an Orange Julius stand on this
floor?
Hutz: I'll sell you this one, it's almost full.
Skinner: Well, why don't I drink out of a toilet bowl.
Hutz: He'll be back. And as for your case, don't you worry.
I've argued in front of every judge in this state -- often
as a lawyer. [drinks his Orange Julius]
"Burns' Heir"
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that
Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being
guilty.
"The Boy Who Knew Too Much"
Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. CASE
CLOSED.
"The Boy Who Knew Too Much"
My problem is I'm a real user of women. I move in right away and
stay until the money's gone.
"The Secret Of A Successful Marriage"
Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Sidehsow Bob: No, I did not.
Hutz: [pause] Kids, help.
[the judge shrugs]
"Sideshow Bob Roberts"
I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You
stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster
confidentiality.
"The Springfield Connection"
Milhouse baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, unauthorized biographer
and drug dealer..., er keeper awayer.
"Radioactive Man"
Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of
lawyers: Ronald Shaporo, trial attorney, Albert Dershman, who can
hold three billiard balls in his mouth.
" 'Round Springfield"
Hutz: All right gentleman. I will take your case. But
I will require a thousand dollar retainer.
Bart: A thousand dollars. But your ad says "no money down".
Hutz: Oh, they got this all screwed up. [corrects ad with felt-marker]
Bart: So you don't work on a contignecy basis?
Hutz: No, money down. Oops, I shouldn't have the Bar
Association logo here either. [Hutz eats ad]
------------------------------
| LIONEL HUTZ |
|--------------------------- |
| ESQ. |
| |
| WORKS ON |
| CONTINGENCY? |
| |
| NO, MONEY DOWN! |
| |
| / |
| / -|- |
| / | |
| -|-| |
| ----- |
| PHONE 555- /----------
-----------------/
Hutz's edited ad "The Day The Violence Died"
% Hutz: Now Mr. Lampwick. When Rogers Meyers stole your
% character...
% Attorney: Objection.
% Judge: Sustained.
% Hutz: Ugh. If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one
% more time today I think I am going to scream.
% Attorney: Objection.
% Judge: Sustained.
% Hutz: Argh!
%"The Day The Violence Died"
Judge: Mr. Hutz w've been in here for four hours.
Do you have any evidence at all?
Hutz: Well, Your Honor. We've plenty of hearsay and
conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.
"The Day The Violence Died"
Bart: Keep the trial open. I'll be right back.
Hutz: Your Honor, I'd like to call all of my surpise
witnesses again. [crowd groaning]
The Surprise Witnesses:
Man with a dummy
Santa Claus with a broken leg on crutches
John Swartzwelder (Simpsons Andre-like animator)
Ralph Wiggum
the McCrary twins, on their motorcycles
"The Day The Violence Died"
Leave the gum in. Bazooka Joe's got big pockets.
"22 Short Films About Springfield"
Hutz: "Your Honor, Lisa Simpson is a charming, hard-working young
girl..."
"Objection--prejudicial. Allow me to restate... Lisa Simpson is
an unrepentant thief of my client's creativity!"
"I object! He's badgering my client."
"Back off, slim--you're way out of your league."
Lisa: "Excuse me, Your Honor? I'd like to fire him."
female judge [1F19]: "Good move."
BONGO #9
EOF