Favorite Mr. Burns Lines
Alan Chan
"Oh Smithers, what was I laughing at again? Oh, yes... The crippled
Irishman!"
Robert Shropshire <tao...@starnetinc.com> wrote in article
<55iltt$d...@news0-alterdial.uu.net>...
> "Release the Hounds"
>
>
>
---+++Mark+++---
Homer - Do your worst!
Burns - Smithers! Release the ROBOTIC RICHARD SIMMONS!
--
-------------------------------------
Bonjourrrrrrrrr, ya cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!
- Groundskeeper Willie
Robert Shropshire
"Release the Hounds"
Robert Shropshire <taoman@starnetin
From: Robert Shropshire <tao...@starnetinc.com>
Subject: Favorite Mr. Burns Lines
Organization: ICA
"Release the Hounds"
--
| Fidonet: Robert Shropshire <taoman@starnetin 1:300/43
| Internet: Robert.Shropshire.<taoman_s...@pnet.playcom.com
Alan Chan <Zingerman@worldnet.att
From: "Alan Chan" <Zing...@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Re: Favorite Mr. Burns Lines
Organization: AT&T WorldNet Services
"Oh Smithers, what was I laughing at again? Oh, yes... The crippled
Irishman!"
Robert Shropshire <tao...@starnetinc.com> wrote in article
<55iltt$d...@news0-alterdial.uu.net>...
> "Release the Hounds"
>
>
>
--
| Fidonet: "Alan Chan" <Zing...@worldnet.att 1:300/43
| Internet: "Alan.Chan".<Zingerman_w...@pnet.playcom.com
---+++Mark+++--- <mflatt@worldnet.a
From: ---+++Mark+++--- <mfl...@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Re: Favorite Mr. Burns Lines
Organization: AT&T WorldNet Services
Alan Chan wrote:
>
> "Oh Smithers, what was I laughing at again? Oh, yes... The crippled
> Irishman!"
>
> Robert Shropshire <tao...@starnetinc.com> wrote in article
> <55iltt$d...@news0-alterdial.uu.net>...
> > "Release the Hounds"
> >
> >
> >
Homer - Do your worst!
Burns - Smithers! Release the ROBOTIC RICHARD SIMMONS!
--
-------------------------------------
Bonjourrrrrrrrr, ya cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!
- Groundskeeper Willie
--
| Fidonet: ---+++Mark+++--- <mflatt@worldnet.a 1:300/43
| Internet: ---+++Mark+++---.<mflatt_w...@pnet.playcom.com
Jade Cole
In article <3c8_961...@playcom.com>,
taoman_s...@pnet.playcom.comRobertShropshire<taoman@starnetin says...
>
>From: Robert Shropshire <tao...@starnetinc.com>
>Subject: Favorite Mr. Burns Lines
>Organization: ICA
>
>"Release the Hounds"
>
>
>
The episode when Homer gains the weight to go on disability:
"Smithers... who is this gastro-pod...?"
Woody
On 14 Nov 1996, Jade Cole wrote:
> In article <3c8_961...@playcom.com>,
>
> The episode when Homer gains the weight to go on disability:
>
> "Smithers... who is this gastro-pod...?"
Does any one out there have a list of all of Monty's alliterative phrases
for Homer (and others)? I can never remember them, but whenever he
watches Homer on the cameras, I know he's going to have a gem! Some
situations I remember that might have these lines: Burns' birthday,
watching homer get laughs - when Homer's always reading tv guide at work -
and maybe the union one?
Thanks,
Woody
Hugh Bock
In article <Pine.A41.3.94.961118124114.137922F-
100...@acs2.acs.ucalgary.ca>, Woody <woo...@acs.ucalgary.ca> writes
My favourite Mr.Burns line is from the episode where he adopts Bart. Bart starts
throwing rocks through Mr. Burns's windows and Monty says:"Smithers, look! This
bird has become petrified and somehow lost its sense of direction, flying right
through the window!
Hugh Bock
Sean Rice
Mr. Burns: "Who is that goat-legged fllow, Smithers? I like the cut of
his jib." (referring to Flanders the Devil)
Sean
Eddie Talbot
"Aah, fresh additions to my ever growing army of the undead."
--
+ . : + . Eddie Talbot (In Person)
: + . cm3b...@bs47c.staffs.ac.uk (In Ternet)
*****************************************************************************
Dave Hall
[list] Cool Burns Quotes...
Cool Burns Quotes...
Compiled by Dave Hall (dave...@cyberspc.mb.ca)
===============================================================================
Compiled from 10 zillion alt.tv.simpsons articles, and verified when
possible from the episode capsules, the following are Burns quotes and
scenes everyone seems to love...
"A non-profit organization with oil...I won't allow it!"
"Ah, Monday morning! ...Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you
hungover drones."
"Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?"
"Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you,
you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!"
"Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves."
"Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee."
"All right, you big ape... Get a snootful of this gas bomb!"
"And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of colligenous cog and
camshifts, take that!"
"And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth."
"Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?"
"Bad corpse. Bad corpse. Stop scaring Smithers!"
"Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing!"
"Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on
the old Sullivan show. What was Ed thinking?"
"Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors."
"Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labour relations since the cat o'
nine tails!"
"But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles
Darwin what he thinks."
"But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property, until next
year. I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten
minutes!"
"By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny
Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hands."
"Careful, Smithers! That sponge has corners, you know."
"Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the
start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever
brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."
"Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!"
"Damn you paparazi!"
"Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener!"
"Do you realize how much it costs to run for office? More than any honest
man could afford!"
"Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here?"
"Er, I don't know what phallocentric means, but no girls!"
"Every bone ...shattered, organs ...leaking vital fluids ...a slight
headache ...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die."
"Ex-cellent!"
"Excellent! Once again the wheel has turned, and dame Fortune has hugged
Montgomery Burns to her sweet, perfumed bosom."
"Excellent shot, Smithers, I'll be squeezing my Bobo in no time."
"Excellent, Zutroy! Work hard, and each day you'll get a shiny penny."
"Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about?"
"Fly, my pretties!"
"Ha-ha! Smithers, this reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to
work!"
"Have the Rolling Stones killed."
"Hello, my name is Mister Snrub. And I come from, ah, some place far
away."
"Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares."
"Hi there. I'm your daddy."
"Homer Simpson doesn't say `B'oh', he says `D'oh!'"
"Hurry...fire him now or I'll disown you."
"I can picture it now. The screen door resting off its filthy hinges,
mangy dog staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die!"
"I can't feel anything below my cummerbund."
"I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is
a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell.
I'll just crush him like an ant."
"I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called
`iced cream.'"
"I get your angle. Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this
God-forsaken state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie
Punchclock!"
"I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons."
"I should be able to run over as many kids as I want."
"I specifically requested no romantic music!"
"I specifically said, no geeks!"
"I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with.
Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet."
"I will not suffer your insubordination. There has been a shocking
decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying, Waylon."
"I'm not a baby who needs a nursemaid to burp me."
"I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their
pockets, and scuttle off."
"If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the
abandoned coke oven."
"If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now!"
"Is this the one with the lazy sperm?"
"It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! And
all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco."
"It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. Well, who's
mad now! Hah! Ha ha! Hahaha!"
"Let the fools have their tar-tar sauce!"
"Let's all go to the lobby..."
"Let's roll!"
"Look at me! I'm Davey Crockett!"
"Look at that pig stuffing his face with donuts on my time!"
"Look at them Smithers! Goldbrickers! Layabouts! Slug-a-beds! Little
do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered."
"Mmph, that rib always breaks."
"Money fight!"
"Morons! Pathetic morons in my employ stealing my precious money."
"Mother of Pearl! Call my lawyers!"
"Muhaha! Ironic isn't it. The hunter has become the hunted!"
"My germs, my precious germs!"
"Nice work, Smithers! When we get back, I'm giving you a raise!"
"No need for the blown gasket, Charlie."
"No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The Booger Man?"
"No, no! The person who's always standing and walking."
"Noooooooo! Take me! I'm old!"
"Officer, arrest the baby!"
"Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going."
"Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list."
"Oh, I'm afraid I've had one of my trademark changes of heart."
"Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!"
"Oh, Smithers, when you look at me with those puppy-dog eyes..."
"Oh, brilliant. A cash settlement! I could have figured that out, you
button-down maggot!"
"Oh, goody, the Sea Monkeys I ordered have arrived."
"Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow."
"Oh, just give the greater unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a
happy ending, and they'll oink for more every time"
"Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of
dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we
leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be
gone."
"Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call
it an unrequested fission surplus."
"Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe."
"Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke."
"Ooh, sounds delish! Let me just toss some jeans on and -- wait a minute!
Who is this?"
"Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!"
"Pish posh. It will be like taking candy from a baby!"
"Pish posh. There's a Jaws of Life in the trunk."
"Release the hounds."
"Run along, Pee Wee. Baby gets nothing!"
"See my vest, see my vest, oh please, won't you see my vest?"
"Send a ham to his widow."
"She said `no' to me! Do you know how many women have said `no' to me?
One hundred thirty, but only one since I've become a billionaire."
"Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name..."
"Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun."
"Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpsons is not the brilliant
tactician I thought he was."
"Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage."
"Smithers, massage my brain."
"Soon you'll have a mighty hump."
"Tell you what...we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a
Coke."
"Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a
ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult."
"Thank you for making my last few moment on earth socially awkward."
"Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia."
"That's preposterous. Zutroy here is as American as apple pie."
"That's right. Gather the nectar, my little drones. And make the honey.
Honey for your children...Fools! Haha!"
"The watchdog of public safety...is there any lower form of life?"
"This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election,
and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail.
That's democracy for you."
"This man is costing my health plan $5000 a day! I demand that he die with
dignity!"
"Ugh, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favour."
"Ugh. Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red!"
"Want it black, don't you?! Black like your heart!"
"We wouldn't think of going without the bait-- uhh, that is, the
bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty! Heh heh. I covered that up
pretty well."
"Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the
undead."
"Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking
anarchist."
"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"
"What was I laughing at now? ...Oh yes, that crippled Irishman."
"Why here's a fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of
me."
"You don't have to sue me to get my pants off!"
"You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck, my patented fadeaway pitch
was compared by many to the `Trouble Ball' of the late, great Satchel
Page."
"You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and
tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood
of a young boy."
"You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers."
"You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing
indicates."
===============================================================================
Some Burns Scenes (verified from the episode capsules when possible)...
[7F01]
Homer: Where are we going, sir?
Burns: To create a new and better world.
Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?
[7F01]
Lisa: Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is
going to accomplish?
Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers, we'll destroy something
tasteful.
[7F02]
Burns: Wait, who's that young go-getter?
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like Homer Simpson, only more dynamic
and resourceful.
Burns: Simpson, eh? Hmm, an unspoiled lump of clay to mould in my own
image...bring him to me.
[7F11]
Burns: [peering through binoculars]
Smithers! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
[staring at her red pumps]
That's it baby, work those ankles!
Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.
[7F11]
Homer: Hey Burns! Eat my shorts!
Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?
Smithers: Why it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from sector 7-G.
Burns: Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9 o'clock Monday morning.
We'll see who eats who's shorts.
[7F18]
Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia.
Marge: I thought I did.
[8F02]
Smithers: You know what this means? He is alive!
Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke.
[8F09]
Burns: Snappy, you know it's hard to imagine, but I was once a barefoot boy
with cheek of tan. I dreamed of grand slam home-runs, and wiping out
nations with a stroke of a pen.
Snappy: Ah, there's still time for all those things, sir.
Burns: Is there? Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress,
Snappy.
Snappy: So, you feel resentful towards the plant?
Burns: Yes. Yes, exactly. You know, maybe it's time I sold the old girl.
Snappy: *gasp*
[8F13]
Lenny: Mr. Burns, with them on the team, you won't need us!
Burns: Well, DUH!
[8F17]
Ned: So recycling is our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug!
Burns: Yes, well, it does sound like fun. I can't wait to start pawing
through my trash like some starving racoon!
[To Smithers] Release the hounds!
[8F17]
Burns: What's wrong with Crippler?
Smithers: Ah, he's getting on, sir, he's been here since the late '60s.
Burns: Ah, yes. I never forget the day he bagged his first hippie.
That young man didn't think it was too grooooovy.
[8F17]
Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir,
but there's a sweet little boy at the door.
Burns: Release the hounds.
[9F04]
Chief: Mosi Tatupu! Mosi Tatupu!
(translation: The Blue-haired woman will make a good sacrifice.)
Marge: What's he saying?
Burns: He's saying, `We wouldn't dream of sacrificing the blue-haired
woman.y'
[9F05]
Burns: I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate:
Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ah, do you remember we did that once before?
Burns: Ah, that's right. He's dead and rather pungent. The rest of that
night is something I'd like to forget.
[9F09]
Burns: Look at that pig stuffing his face with donuts on my time!
That's right, keep eating...
Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut!
[cackles evilly, then abruptly stops]
There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Aah, no sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and
they consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
[9F10]
Smithers: Well, sir, where should we dump this batch? The playground?
Burns: No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park.
[9F15]
Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he
saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude.
Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
[9F15]
Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing.
They're not sad at all. They're actually singing!
They sing without juicers.
They sing without blenders.
They sing without flunjers, capdabblers and smendlers!
[1F02]
Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
Burns: I like to put my feet up.
[1F02]
Burns: To have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork,
[Smithers hands him a baseball bat]
not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules!
[Burns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force]
Man: Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: I'm giving you the beating of your life!
Man: Look, if -- stop that! You wanted him that badly, why didn't you
just say so?
Burns: Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
[1F02]
Burns: Oh, and one more thing -- you must find the jade monkey before
the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey -- it was in your glove
compartment.
Burns: And the road maps and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Burns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place.
[1F04]
Burns: Hmm...who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his
jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
[1F08]
Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the `Spruce
Moose', and it will carry two hundred passengers from New
York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen
minutes!
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
Burns: Model?
[1F08]
Burns: Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose.
[picking up the model] Hop in!
Smithers: But, sir --
Burns: [pointing a gun] I said, hop in.
[1F16]
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Burns: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
[1F16]
Burns: Ooh, look! A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of
direction.
Smithers: I think it's a rock, sir.
Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about that!
[1F21]
Jackie: I swear, Monty: you are the devil himself!
Burns: I -- [yells] who told yo -- oh, ho ho, I, yes, yes, well, I'd
say you're an angel, but angels don't dance like that.
[2F10]
Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back.
Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your
desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque.
[2F20]
Smithers: Sir...you weren't shot! It was all a dream.
Burns: That's right. The year is 1965, and you and I are undercover
detectives on the hot rod circuit. Now, let's burn rubber, baby!
[2F31]
Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, Sir. Market research shows
people see you as somewhat of an ogre.
Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones!
[2F31]
Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg!
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!
[3F03]
Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to
the local orphanage...when pigs fly!
[A pig sails across the sky.]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, Sir?
Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.
===============================================================================
Dave Hall (dave...@cyberspc.mb.ca) <http://www.cyberspc.mb.ca/~davehall/>
===============================================================================