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Capsule: The Pilot

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Raymond Chen

unread,

Oct 3, 1993, 5:51:02 PM10/3/93

Here's another. This episode was truly amazing.

============================================================================
Episode #04-0423, #04-0424 -- "The Pilot" (Parts I and II)
Originally Aired: Thursday, 20 May, 1993, 8:00PM - 9:00PM
============================================================================

[title credits]
Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld [as Jerry Seinfeld (no kidding)]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus [as Elaine Benes]
Michael Richards [as Kramer]
and Jason Alexander as George [Costanza]

Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sheinman

% Opening monologue.

Jerry: The whole concept of ``fear of success'' is proof that
we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

I mean, are we going to have to have AA-type meetings for
these people?

I mean, ``Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm
worried about is owning a stereo and a cream-coloured couch.''

According to most studies, people's number one fear is
public speaking. Number two is death.

Death is number *two*.

Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to
a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing
the eulogy.

% [Monologue: 38 seconds]

[opening credits]

Created By ................... Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
Written By ................... Larry David
Directed By .................. Tom Cherones

% Jerry's apartment.

Kramer: Why? Why can't I play Kramer?
Jerry: Look, we've been through this already. You're not an actor!
Kramer: Neither are you.
Jerry: I know!

% Actually, Jerry, Kramer has more acting experience than you do.

Jerry: So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry, how hard is it to act?
Now, you say something and I'll pretend that it's funny.
Come on...
Jerry: [can't think of anything to say]
My grandmother's in the hospital.
Kramer: [laughs incredibly fakely] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [slaps his thigh]
In the hospital! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Jerry: [heavy sarcasm] This is *real* believable.

% So Kramer challenges Jerry to laugh believably.

Jerry: Say something funny.
Kramer: All right. Uh...
I've never been to Mars, but I imagine it's quite lovely.
Jerry: [laughs artificially]

% The two of them try to outdo each other laughing. It's really
% awful. George comes in.

George: Why are you two pretending to be laughing?
Jerry: We're acting.
George: [unimpressed] Oh. Real good.

% Although NBC is supposed to be casting for their pilot, neither George nor
% Jerry has received any word. George can't understand why Russell hasn't
% contacted them.
%
% Russell, troubled, sits at a table at Pete McManus's Cafe. Elaine joins
% him. It is clear she would rather be someplace else, but she tries
% to be polite about the entire situation.

Russell: Well, first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls.
It's just, it's just...
[Russell gets choked up and has to stop to recover.]
I don't understand. We went out, once...
Elaine: That was two months ago.
Russell: Yes, I know, and I just, I, I can't get you out of my mind.
Ever since that, that day in that restaurant, when we met...

% Brief flashback to Elaine's ``Do you, uh, have a ketchup secret?'' scene.

Elaine: You are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want.
Russell: But I want you.

% Hey, bub, take a number. I saw her first.
%
% Elaine, meanwhile has gotten distracted by another of the minutiae of
% modern life. She sifts through the bowl of salty snacks on the table,
% eating nuts selectively.

Elaine: God, I hate these mixtures. I don't know why, why don't they
just put pretzels out on the table, or even peanuts would be good.
I don't know who eats these [smells one] cheesy things... Ugh...

Russell: Is it something I said? Or did?
Elaine: Um, look Russell...
You're a very sweet guy, but, um...

% Uh-oh. When a sentence starts like that, you know you aren't going to
% like the way it ends. The word ``but'' carries great weight when used
% in conversation between men and women. ``I would go with you, but...''
% ``I don't mean to pry, but...'' ``I enjoy your company, but...''
% Again, I digress.

Elaine: I gotta be honest with you.
I don't like television.
And that's your work. That's your life.
I mean, maybe if you were in Greenpeace or something,
that would be all right. But network television!?
Come on, Russell! You're part of the problem!

% Russell tries to defend his career, describing the promising shows coming
% up next season. Elaine takes a sip of her beverage, trying to keep down
% the salty snacks she now regrets having ingested.

Russell: We've got one with a bright, young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh yeah, oh yeah, I've heard of him.
He's that ``Did you ever notice this?
Did you ever notice that?'' guy.

% One wonders how Russell has failed to make the connection between Elaine
% and the character named Elaine in Jerry's show. Then again, logic is
% a rare visitor to a man obsessed.

Russell: It's a groundbreaking show.
Elaine: [looking around, plotting her escape] Really, what is it about...
Russell: Well, really, it's very unusual. [chuckle] It's about nothing.
Elaine: [confused, almost disgusted] What do you mean, ``It's about nothing''?
Russell: For example, what did you do today?
Elaine: [shrug] Uh, I got up, um, I went to work, then I came here.
Russell: There's a show. That's a show.
Elaine: I'm really not interested in this stuff, and I do have to...
[trying to think of an excuse to get out of there as fast as possible]
... go to work.
Russell: When are we... when are we going to see each other again?
Elaine: I'm sorry...

% Russell can only watch as Elaine exits his life.
%
% Kramer has found the CD he wanted to borrow and is on his way out of
% Jerry's apartment when phone rings.

Jerry: Hello? ... [to Kramer] Hey, it's for you.

% What? Now Kramer gets his calls at Jerry's apartment? Then again,
% it's almost as if he lives there. Meanwhile, Jerry notices what George
% is wearing.

Jerry: Again with the sweat-pants?
George: What? They're comfortable.
Jerry: You know what message you're sending out to the world with these
sweat-pants? You're telling the world, ``I give up. I can't
compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well
be comfortable.''

% Well, at least George has the presence of mind to be comfortable while
% he's miserable. It would never have occurred to me, personally.

Kramer: [on the phone]
Hold on a second, I got another call.
[triggers call waiting]
Hello? ... He'll call you back.
[back to the first call]
Jerry: [stunned] Who is it?
Kramer: It's NBC.
Jerry+George: NBC!?!

% Jerry prevails on Kramer to end his conversation and calls Russell back.
% Casting for the pilot begins tomorrow. Jerry is ecstatic. George is
% troubled.
%
% Another session with George's therapist. I wonder what stories she
% tells at cocktail parties.

George: What if the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?
Gina: That'd be wonderful, George. You'd be rich and successful.
George: Exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be
successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.
Gina: I thought you didn't believe in God.
George: I believe in the *bad* things!

% Why am I not surprised?

Gina: What is that on your lip?
George: What?
Gina: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
George: [finds a mirror] Yes. Yes, it's white. Why is that white?
Gina: You'd better get that checked out.
George: Better get that checked out!?!?!
Gina: *I* would.
George: What kind of a therapist are you!?
I'm telling you I'm scared that something terrible
is going to happen to me,
and right away, you start looking for tumors?
Gina: I'm trying to help you.
George: What are you, like, a sadist!?!?
No matter how bad somebody feels, you gotta make them feel worse!
I bet you're rooting for a tumor!!

% George and Jerry are in a cab, stuck in traffic, on their way to NBC.
% George shows Jerry the ``tumor'', but Jerry thinks it's nothing.

George: [to cab driver] Excuse me, do you see something here?
Cabbie: Yeah, it's like a discoloration.
You'd better get that checked out.

% George is afraid to go to the doctor, lest it turn out to be something
% bad. Meanwhile, a bum tries to give the cab a ``free'' window cleaning.
% Jerry and George cower when they recognize the bum in question: It's
% Crazy Joe Davola!

Davola: [sinisterly] Good luck on the pilot, Jerry...

% In the casting room at NBC, George shows the executives his lip.

Exec1: Yeah, I think I see it. It's like a... discoloration.
Exec2: It's like a... white... discoloration.

% The casting director introduces Mark Matts, who will be auditioning for
% the role of George. Mark is a handsome gentleman, a full head of hair,
% and no signs of insecurity whatsoever.

Jerry: [thinking] They've gotta be kidding.
George: [thinking] This guy's perfect.

% The scene they read is the one where George asks Jerry to answer the
% phone ``Vandelay Industries''.
%
% Next is Michael Barth. Hairline receding. He shuffles into the room
% tentatively.

Michael: I just came from the podiatrist.
There was something wrong with my foot,
it's a little gangrene,
they may have to amputate it.

% All laugh appreciatively, believing this to be an act. George looks
% worried. Okay, *more* worried than he usually is.

Michael: What are we looking at, here? Is this guy a real loser?
George: No. Not a loser.

% They read the ``It moved'' scene. Michael does an excellent job.
%
% Next is Shannon, a tall, attractive woman with long dark brown hair.

Shannon: It's like a bald convention out there.
[sees George]
Sorry, I made a faux pas.
Jerry: Nah. He knows he's bald.
Shannon: How about the guy out there in sweat-pants?
I mean, did he do that for the part, or does he walk around in that?

% Jerry offers to read with Shannon. They barely get started when George
% interrupts and thanks Shannon for her time.
%
% A parade of Kramer wanna-be's burst through the door. All shapes and
% sizes. The last one looks like a winner. They do a reading where
% Kramer decides to re-furnish his apartment based on multiple levels.
% His performance is fantastic. After he leaves, George notices that
% the box of raisins is missing.
%
% The next person to audition for the role of Kramer is Kramer himself,
% going under the name ``Martin van Nostrand''. The executives recognize
% him from the Calvin Klein underwear ads. Kramer reads the ``Joe Dimaggio
% dunking donuts'' scene, but suddenly clutches his abdomen and asks for
% directions to the bathroom. But the bathroom is full, and since he
% can't find a public rest room, Kramer runs through Central Park trying
% to get home in time.
%
% At their usual booth, Elaine asks Jerry how the casting went, then
% learns that Russell didn't show up for the casting.

Elaine: I'm a little bit worried about him.
I don't understand. We had *one* date. *Two* *months* ago.
Am I *that* charming and beautiful?
Jerry: No.

% Speak for yourself, Jerry.
%
% Elaine has trouble getting the attention of their waitress and notes
% how the service has gotten really slow since the new owner took over.
% Jerry notices another change in the personnel. He invites Elaine to
% confirm his observation.

Jerry: Look at the waitresses.
What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them?

% Every waitress fills her uniform to the fullest extent of the law.

Jerry: I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a
Russ Meyer film.

Elaine: That is discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women
have all the advantages. It's not enough they get all the attention
from men; they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?
Jerry: Hey, that's life. Good-looking men are the same way.
You don't see any handsome homeless.

% George's doctor takes a look at his lip.

Doctor: I've never seen this before.

% George is hardly relieved. The doctor says he'll take a biopsy.

George: Cancer? Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?
Doctor: I don't know *what* it is.

% [End of Act One. Time: 14:39]
%
% In Jerry's apartment, George talks in that rapid, insecure way he
% does when he's panicked. He tells Jerry about his visit to the doctor.

George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me
a ``Get outta here.'' That's what I wanted to hear.
``Cancer? Get outta here.''
Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a ``Get outta here'' kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say ``Get outta here''?
It should be part of the training in medical school.
``Cancer? Get outta here. Go home, what are you, crazy?
It's a little dust. It's nothing. You're a real nut,
you know that?''
I told you God would never let me be successful.
I never should've written that pilot.
Now the show'll be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars,
and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this. [points to his lip]
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't.
I can't die with dignity.
I have no dignity.
I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity.
I lived my whole life in shame; why should I die with dignity?

% George may have a point here. A self-destructive point, but a point
% nonetheless.
%
% Kramer comes in, walking ever so slowly. He got mugged while running
% home to go to the bathroom. Jerry buzzes Elaine in.

Kramer: I got a big problem, buddy.
Jerry: What is it?
Kramer: Well, I waited so long, I... I missed my chance.
Jerry: You didn't go?
Kramer: No, and now I can't get it back...

% George, who had been up until now eating a sandwich, heads for the
% bathroom. Elaine arrives; Kramer leaves nervously.

Elaine: What's the matter with him?
Jerry: He's a little backed up.

% Elaine spoke to some of her ``sisters'' [not entirely sure what she's
% referring to here; is this a nickname for something?] about the hiring
% policy at the coffee shop, and they decided that she should apply for
% the position and get turned down. The phone rings; Jerry answers. It
% is the TV Elaine, who wants to talk with him about her character.
%
% Jerry and TV Elaine meet at the same restaurant that Elaine and Russell
% were at. TV Elaine wants to know what the real Elaine is like. TV Elaine
% is even wearing Elaine hair, except that the big upward swoop is fluffier.

TV Elaine: What is she like? Tell me about her.
Jerry: Well, she's fascinated with Greenland;
she enjoys teasing animals, ban lawn [?],
and seeing people running for their lives.
She loves throwing garbage out the window,
yet she's extremely dainty.

% Yes, Jerry, but is there anything *unusual* about her?

TV Elaine: How would she eat a hamburger?
Jerry: With her hands.
TV Elaine: What about pasta?
Jerry: Also with her hands.

% Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I'm starting to get a picture of
% this Elaine character...

TV Elaine: I want to experience everything she's experienced.
Jerry: Everything?
TV Elaine: [breathily] Everything...

% TV Elaine might change her mind when she learns about that airplane trip...

Jerry: [coming clean] All right, she cuts her pasta with a knife.
TV Elaine: That's good. What's her favourite movie?
Jerry: Shaft.
TV Elaine: I gotta rent that picture.
What about sex?
Jerry: She likes talking during sex.
TV Elaine: Oh. Dirty talking?
Jerry: No. Just chit-chat, movies, current events, regular stuff.

Jerry: You know, Sandi...
TV Elaine: [correcting him] Elaine.
Jerry: What?
TV Elaine: Call me... Elaine.

TV Elaine: How does Elaine kiss?
Jerry: Well...
TV Elaine: Does she kiss... like this?

% TV Elaine kisses Jerry.

Jerry: Actually, she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around...

% She kisses him again.

Jerry: I think you got it.

% Meanwhile, at the coffee shop, Kramer and TV Kramer have their own chat.
% Kramer is volunteering information.

Kramer: Now, I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork.
Because I can keep the strands long and slurp it up to my mouth,
like this. [slurp]
Now sex. I like the bottom.
Let *them* do all the work.

% But TV Kramer isn't paying much attention. Kramer orders a big bowl of
% bran flakes.

TV Kramer: This doesn't matter to me. I'm going to do the character like me,
not like you.
Kramer: You've *got* to play it like me.
I'm Kramer.
TV Kramer: *I'm* Kramer.
Kramer: Whoa. *I'm* Kramer.

% Elaine applies for the waitress position wearing a loose shirt that
% downplays her ketchup secrets to the point where they aren't even there.
% The owner looks her up and down, ignores her resume, and tells her
% that he doesn't need any new waitresses.
%
% Elaine goes to the Equal Employment Opportunities Office to complain.

Elaine: It's like a Russ Meyer film.
Agent: Who's Russ Meyer?
Elaine: Oh, he's this guy who made these terrible movies in the '70's.
with these kinds of women.
He's obsessed. Obsessed with breasts.
[briefly distracted] That's hard to say. Heh.

% Jerry and his actors run through a scene. Russell and three other
% executives watch from the studio audience. George follows along.

TV Jerry: It's made up.
TV Kramer: What do you mean, it's made up?
TV Jerry: It's made up. Haagen Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
TV Kramer: You're crazy.
TV Jerry: No I'm not. George, is Haagen Dazs Danish?
TV George: What do you mean, Danish?

% George mutters to the guy next to him.

George: This guy stinks.

% Au contraire, George. TV George is brilliant. It's the script that
% stinks.

TV Jerry: Danish, as in from Denmark.
TV George: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danish-sounding name.
TV Kramer: I can't believe that. They fooled *me*, Jerry.

Rita: [to Exec2] Boy, talk about a show about nothing?

% George interrupts and tells TV Kramer that he read his line wrong. The
% emphasis should be on the word ``fooled''. TV Kramer ignores his
% suggestion. The director is obviously annoyed by George's interruption
% and calls for a five-minute break. During the break, Jerry tells George
% that actors don't like being told how to read their lines. George, as
% always, turns the conversation towards a topic of his own fixation.

George: So, do you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?
Jerry: Why would he steal a box of raisins?
George: Yeah. It's bizarre.

% The director tells the executives that George is driving him nuts. But
% the third executive has her own problems with the show.

Rita: It's Seinfeld. He can't act.
It's pathetic.
I told you, these stand-ups can't act.
I'm cringing watching him.

% Russell, meanwhile, is off in a despondent world of his own. He excuses
% himself. Jerry and TV Elaine sit in their respective chairs, studying
% the script.

TV Elaine: What's the matter?
Jerry: Nothing.
TV Elaine: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
Jerry: No.
TV Elaine: Are you breaking up with me?
Jerry: Are we going out?
TV Elaine: You're breaking up with me, aren't you.
Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
TV Elaine: If that's what you want.
Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
TV Elaine: Okay, fine, break up with me.
Jerry: All right, we're broken up.

% Boy, that was weird.

TV Elaine: Can we still be friends?

% Um, I think this woman took one too many rides on the tilt-a-whirl.
% Meanwhile, George approaches TV Kramer.

George: Do you remember when you came to audition for us?
TV Kramer: Yeah.
George: There was a box of raisins on the coffee table.
Did you... by any chance, take them with you when you left?
TV Kramer: [stunned] What are you talking about?
George: Well, we were all eating the raisins, and...
You, you were eating some of the raisins.
And then you left.
And the raisins were gone.
And, I was just wondering if, you know,
[laughing] maybe you took them with you.
TV Kramer: Are you accusing me of stealing the raisins?
George: Oh no, no no.

% By ``Oh no, no no,'' George of course means, ``Oh yes, yes yes.''

TV Kramer: Now why would I steal a box of raisins?
George: No, you wouldn't. Nobody would.
It's just that uh, they were missing, and uh...
Well, I'm just inquiring.
TV Kramer: Lemme give you a word of advice, okay?
I want you to stay away from me. I don't want to talk to you, and
I don't want to get any of your stupid little notes and suggestions.
I don't like you.
So if you got any other problems, whether it's raisins,
prunes, figs, or any other dried fruit,
just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way. Okay?
George: Mm hm.
All right, um, I don't think we're going to have any problem with that.

% Russell has found a phone.

Russell: Elaine? Elaine? What do you want? What can I do?
Is it... is it my job? Is that what it is?
Elaine, I can't go on like this.
What, what, will you call me? Won't you call me?
Well, I, I'm... All right, you want... May I call you?
Elaine? Elaine? [hangs up]

% In his grief, he fires the next person he sees and makes a scene.

Russell: Do you know how much money I make?
Do you have any idea?
Do you know where I live?
I can have any woman in the city. *Any* *one*.

% Russell earns confused stares from the stage folk.
%
% [End of Act Two. Time: 12:06]
%
% In Jerry's apartment, George complains that the lab results from the
% biopsy have not yet come in. Jerry has his own problems.

Jerry: I can't act! I stink! I don't know what I'm doing!
I'm going to make a fool out of myself in front of the entire country!
George: Oh, come on. You're... You're fine.

% Remind me not to turn to George for encouragement. George returns to
% his favourite topic: His own misery.

George: What about me? I was a total failure! Everything was fine!
Now this thing's gonna be a success, and God's gonna give me
a terminal disease.

% After George relates the raisin-accusation incident to Jerry, Kramer
% comes in. Or, rather, shuffles in very slowly. It's clear that there's
% something he needs to get out of his system.

Jerry: What about bran?
Kramer: I've tried bran. 40%, 50%, 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
Jerry: Well, what about Metamu...
Kramer: Did it...
Jerry; How about Ex-L...
Kramer: Yeah...
George: Milk of Mag...
Kramer: Yup...

% Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder in an attempt to soften the blow.

Jerry: Well, my friend, it may be time to consider the dreaded Apparatus.
Kramer: Hold it right there.
If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're
wasting your time.
I am not, Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any... inserting
in that area.

% Elaine comes in, pleased that she has set the wheels in motion on her
% unfair hiring practices complaint. She declines Jerry's request for her
% to attend the taping...

Elaine: I really don't want to run into Russell.
He called me the other day. He won't quit.

% Elaine will just have to play defense a little longer.

Jerry: Oh, come on, you gotta go.
He's harmless; he's got a little crush on you.
Elaine: Jerry, this is not a crush; this is a complete fixation.
He makes me very uncomfortable.

% Elaine asks Kramer if he's going to the taping.

Kramer: I'm gonna stay home.
I want to stay close to my home base in case there's any news.

% Welcome to NBC Studios in New York. The studio is abuzz with activity.
% Jerry sits through make-up. TV George paces back and forth nervously.
% George checks his lip in a mirror. TV Kramer eats the raisins he stole.
% Elaine arrives at the taping wearing a short blonde wig, black-rimmed
% glasses, and a black dress. Unrecognizable as Elaine, but still
% attractive in a Euro-modern sort of way.
%
% Meanwhile, Kramer is at the drugstore by a shelf full of... Apparatus.
% He selects one.
%
% TV Elaine is in make-up getting her hair done.

TV Elaine: No, pick it up more in the front.
It's got to be higher, higher!
Make a wall, a wall!
1stAD: Sandi, are you in wardrobe?

% Sandi doesn't respond.

1stAD: Sandi?
Jerry: Call her Elaine.
1stAD: Elaine?
TV Elaine: Yes?

% A man sitting behind Elaine tentatively calls her name. Elaine is
% afraid her cover is blown. The man tries to jog Elaine's memory as
% to where they met. ``Camp Tiyoga 1978?'' Elaine eventually recognizes
% him.

Wilton: You know, you haven't changed a bit.

% Backstage, TV George frantically grabs Jerry.

TV George: I can't remember my line!
Jerry: Just relax, you'll be fine.
TV George: I can't relax! I don't know my, I don't know any of them!
Jerry: [thinking this is an act]
You're just like George. George does the same thing.
You're just like him, it's amazing.
TV George: Help me, Jerry. Help me!
Jerry: George is always saying that. I can't believe...
You don't have to worry, anyway.
It's not live. It's not gonna be on the air until next week.
Have a good show.
TV George: Well, don't... What's my first line? Just me first line...
Jerry: ``New sneakers.''
TV George: Right, that's it. ``New sneakers...'' ``New sneakers...''

% Meanwhile, the three NBC executives sit in the audience wondering where
% Russell is.

Exec1: He hasn't been well.
Exec2: Can I tell you something in confidence?
I think it's a woman.
Rita: How pathetic.

% George is on the phone.

George: Yes, this is George Costanza. I'm calling for my test results?

% The news doesn't sound good.

George: Negative? [choking back tears] Oh, my God. Oh, why, WHY!?!?!?!
[listens]
What?
Negative's good?
Oh. Oh, yes, of course! How stupid of me! Thank you very much.

% Of course, George, you realize what this means, don't you? If God
% isn't out to get you by killing you, then...
%
% And in the audience sits... Crazy Joe Davola.
%
% George helps himself at the snack table and sees TV Kramer. (He does
% not appear to be double-dipping.)

George: Listen, I know we've got our problems in the past,
but we got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team.
Life's too short, let's let bygones be bygones.

% Good, George. Learn to let go.

George: If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins...

% Uh-oh...

George: They weren't even my raisins.
I was just curious, because it seemed like a strange thing to do.
You walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins.
Anyway, whatever, whatever.
If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office
is always open.
Did you hear that? I get an office.
You'll come in, we talk about the raisins, and have a nice laugh.
TV Kramer: How would you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your
chest right now and shoved it down your throat?

% A man comes out to warm up the studio audience. Meanwhile, Kramer
% studies the plastic tubing that comes with the... Apparatus...
% Jerry greets the audience, but is interrupted by the shout of

Davola: Sic semper tyrannis!

% Crazy Joe Davola leaps from the studio audience down onto the stage.
% (Freeze-frame on Davola in mid-flight.)
%
% [End of Act Three. Time: 7:30]
%
% Jerry's apartment.

George: What was that thing he yelled out? ``Sic semper tyrannis''?
What is that, Latin?
Jerry: Yeah. It's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he
shot Abraham Lincoln.
It means ``Death to tyrants.''

% Abraham Lincoln. Now that was one ugly world leader. I won't bother
% to correct Jerry's Latin; you can look it up yourself.
%
% Elaine comes in, excited that Jerry's show is about to be on TV.

Jerry: What about Russell? Did you hear from him?
Elaine: No.

% Kramer comes literally dancing into the room. It is clear that the
% ``Big E'' did its job. As the gang settle onto the couch, Elaine finds
% a wallet hidden in the cushions.

Jerry: Oh man, it's my father's wallet!
The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time!

| Woman: Why did you leave the top off the [unclear]?
| Jerry: What?
| Woman: I can't eat it now!

% Susan and Allison look at each other and say simultaneously, ``George.''
%
% Sid Fields and his Senegalese housekeeper watch the show.

Sid: What kind of stupid show is this?
Hey, that's that idiot that took all my records!

% His housekeeper laughs at the joke she ostensibly doesn't understand.
%
% Marla (the [ex-]virgin) lies in bed while John-John sits with the TV
% remote in his hand.

Marla: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.
John: This uh show looks interesting.
Isn't that the uh Seinfeld fella you went out with?
Marla: Oh, he's horrible! Horrible!
John: Nevertheless...

% The Drake and the Drakette watch on a hand-held Sony Watchman-like set.

Drake: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy.
Gotta loooove the Sein.
Drakette: Hate the Sein.

% Ping and Cheryl watch the show and converse in Chinese.

Ping: [subtitled] I can't believe you liked him.
Cheryl: [subtitled] I thought he was dark and disturbed.
Ping: [subtitled] [sarcastically] Real perceptive.

% Bubble Boy watches the show with his parents.

BB: That's a piece of crap.
Mom: Now, Donald, you used to like him.
BB: What a sell-out!
Gimme that remote! Gimme that remote!

% Bubble Boy tries to wrest the remote from his father's hands.
%
% During the commercial break, Jerry fetches some more snacks.

Elaine: You know, Jerry, I really like this guy who's playing the butler.
Jerry: Oh yeah. He's good. You know, he's John Ritter's cousin.

| The doorbell rings. Jerry answers it.
|
| Jerry: Hello, Charles.
| Charles: Hello. So, uh... Where do you want me to start today?
| Jerry: Why not start with the bedroom.
|
| % Charles mutters to himself ``Start with the bedroom'' as he trudges off.
| % Kramer makes his entrance. After practically every line is
| % a rumble of laughter from the laugh track.
|
| Jerry: Hey, the butler's here.
| Kramer: He is? Listen, when he's finished, send him over to my house.
| Jerry: I'm not sending him to your house.
| Kramer: Why not?
| Jerry: Because the judge decreed he become *my* butler,
| not my friend's butler.
| Kramer: Jerry, he's *your* butler. You can give him any order you want.
| That's what butlers do.
| Jerry: But I don't want to.
| Kramer: Jerry, my house is a pigsty. Come on!
|
| % Jerry answers his intercom buzzer.
|
| Jerry: Yeah.
| Elaine: It's Elaine.
| Jerry: Come on up. [buzzes her in]
|
| % Charles returns from the bedroom.
|
| Charles: We need more Pledge.
| Jerry: More Pledge? I just bought two cans last week,
| and there isn't any wood in the house!
|
| % Is this funny? Hello? Anybody out there think this is funny?
%
% It's hilarious.
%
| % Elaine comes in and smiles at Charles.
|
| Elaine: [flirtatiously, to Charles] Hello.
| Charles: [equally flirtatiously] Hello.
|
| % Charles returns to the bedroom.
|
| Jerry: What's all... this about?
| Elaine: We had a date last week.
| Jerry: You had a date?
| You went out with my butler?
| Who said you could go out with my butler?
| Elaine: Well, why do I need *your* permission?
| Jerry: Because he's *myyyy* butler.
|
| % Jerry puts his hands on his hips and gets one of those really fake
| % indignant looks on his face. This is badly acted and not the least
| % bit funny.
%
% It's superbly acted, and riotously funny.
%
% Jerry's parents watch the show and are laughing themselves silly.

Morty: That's terrific?
Helen: How could anyone not like him!

% Calvin Klein and Tia watch the show in a very subdued manner.

Klein: I like his style. He has a certain casual elegance.
Tia: He picks his nose.
Klein: Nevertheless.

% Sidra and Salbas watch the show.

Rushdie: He's a member of our health club, isn't he.
Sidra: [disgusted] Yeah.

% A beat. Another beat.

Rushdie: You know, that Kim Novak had some big breasts.

% Newman has fallen asleep with the television set on.

TV: Now the 2-1 pitch to Mattingly...

| % Closing monologue.
|
| Jerry: You never notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?
|
| You know, I think when you name a baby Jeeves,
| you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say?
|
| Not much chance he's going to be a hit man, I think, after that.
|
| ``Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you.''
|
| [end credit]
|
| Executive Producer .................. Morris Brandes
|

Elaine: That was great!
That show was *sooo* funny.
It was really funny.
And I'm not just saying that because I know you.
Honestly.

% The gang decide to go out and celebrate. Elaine thinks they've got
% a real hit on their hands.

George: And God didn't kill me.

% You forgot to knock on wood, George. Jerry answers the phone. It's
% Rita Kiersen, new president of NBC. Russell seems to have disappeared
% without a trace, leaving her in charge.

Rita: As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye-to-eye
on many, many projects, and as my first order of business I'm
uh passing on your show.
Jerry: You're passing? Already? The show just aired two minutes ago!
Rita: Well, I just got the job.

% Elaine has wandered in shock to one side of the room. The three guys
% stand at the other side. They all stare at her. Elaine realizes that
% she is heavily outnumbered and starts panicking...

Elaine: What are you...
What are you looking at *me* for?
George: [pointing an accusatory finger] It was *you*.
Elaine: What! What did I do!
Jerry: Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series!
Elaine: I didn't know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane.
I mean, you know, that's not *my* fault!
George: [even more accusatory] Yes it is! You're *very* charming!

% So where exactly *is* Russell, anyway?
%
% Out on the rough seas of the North Atlantic, a Greenpeace dinghy
% harasses a large whaling vessel. On board are Russell and two other
% activists.

Russell: She works for Pendant Publishing.
She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
You know, I used to work for NBC,
but when I go back to her,
this time, she'll respect me.
Activist: You better get down. They might start firing soon!

% And they do. Russell ducks for cover.
%
% The gang go down to the diner, which is jam-packed. Even the EEO
% agents are eating there. Seeing that she lost them to the enemy,
% Elaine takes up the cause on her own. She addresses the owner quite
% sternly.

Elaine: You are *not* going to get away with this.
Owner: Get way with what?
Elaine: ``Get away with what?'' You know what.
The waitresses. They're all... alike.
Owner: Of course they're alike.
They are my daughters.

% Elaine suddenly goes into ultra-nice ``I knew that'' mode. The owner
% gets the foursome their table and calls his daughter Peggy to wait on
% them.

George: So guess what *I* got to do tomorrow.
Jerry: What.
George: Start looking for a job.
Kramer: You know what you ought to do, George?
You should work for Greenpeace.
You know, those people who attack the whalers out on the open seas.
George: Are you crazy?
You take your life in your hands with those nuts.

% Out on the open seas, the two Greenpeace activists try to pull Russell
% back onto the boat via a rope. But they lose their hold.

Activist: I'll remember her name!
Elaine Benes!
I'll write to her!
I'll tell her all about you,
and what you did out here!
Good-bye, Mickey!
Russell: Good-bye...

% The cover to Jerry's script floats away in the water...

[closing credits]

Executive Producer ................... Larry David
Executive Producers .................. George Shapiro & Howard West

% [End of Act Four. Time: 9:35]
%
% Closing monologue.

Jerry: Now I know women often complain about the number of things you
have to do to get male attention. The high heels, the
panty hose, the make-up. But I'm telling you. It's worse
for a man.

If you're a man, you don't know *what* to do.

That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains,
exploring uncharted territories.

You think we *want* to do these things?
Nobody wants to build a bridge.

It's really, really hard.

Designing rockets, flying off into space.
I guarantee you, every astronaut when he comes back from
space goes up to a girl and goes,

[singles bar voice] ``So, didja see me up there?''

% [Monologue: 41 seconds]

[end credits]

Producer ............................. Jerry Seinfeld
Story Editor ......................... Peter Mehlman
Program Consultants ................... Jon Hayman
Bob Shaw
Program Consultants ................... Bill Masters
Steve Skrovan
Line Producer ......................... Joan Van Horn
Coordinating Producer ................. Tim Kaiser
Associate Producers ................... Suzy Mamann Greenberg
Nancy Sprow

Guest Starring

Bob Balaban as Russell [Dalrymple]
Anne Twomey as Rita [Kiersen]
Gina Hecht as [therapist] Dana Foley
Peter Crombie as [Crazy] Joe Davola

Jeremy Piven as Michael Barth (George)
Larry Hankin as Tom Pepper (Kramer)
Kevin Page as Stu [NBC executive]
Mariska Hargitay as Melissa
Laura Waterbury as Casting Director

Elena Wohl as Sandi Robbins (Elaine)
Bruce Jarchow as Doctor
Al Ruscio as Manager
Richard Gant as Fred

Also Starring

Peter Blood as Jay [NBC executive]
Roger Rose as Mark
Brian Bradley as Butler
Samantha Dorman as Waitress

Erick Avari as Cabbie
Bob Shaw as Paul [EEO agent #2]
Stephen Burrows as David [Richardson]
Deborah Swisher as 1st AD [assistant director]
Jeff Oetjen as Wilton [Marshall]
Pat Hazell as Himself

[Uncredited]

[Heidi Swedberg as Susan]
[Kari Coleman as Allison]
[Bill Erwin as Sid Fields]
[Lanei Chapman as Housekeeper]
[Jane Leeves as Marla]
[Rick Overton as The Drake]
[? as The Drakette]
[Ping Wu as Ping]
[Maggie Han as Cheryl]
[Brian Doyle-Murray as Bubble Boy]
[Brian Doyle-Murray as Bubble Boy's Dad]
[Carol Mansell as Bubble Boy's Mom]
[Liz Sheridan as Helen Seinfeld]
[Barney Martin as Morty Seinfeld]
[Nicholas Hormann as Calvin Klein]
[Jennifer Campbell as Tia Van Camp]
[Teri Hatcher as Sidra]
[Tony Amendola as Rushdie]
[Wayne Knight as Newman]

A WEST/SHAPIRO PRODUCTION
in association with
CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
Copyright (c) 1993 CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
Castle Rock Entertainment is the author of this program for
the purpose of copyright and other laws.
All Rights Reserved.

[end]

============================================================================
Previous episode references:
============================================================================

The Wallet
Jerry's Dad's wallet he thought he lost in the doctor's office.

The Opera et al.
Crazy Joe Davola continues to scare the wits out of Jerry.

The Contest
The Virgin trying to get John Kennedy, Jr. into bed.

The Outing
Allison and Susan, together again. [????]

The Old Man
Sid Fields and his housekeeper watch the show.

The Implant
Sidra and Salbas watch the show.

The Junior Mint
Kramer's wallpaper.

The Handicap Spot
The Drake and the Drakette watch the show.
Note that they're watching it on a hand-held TV set!

============================================================================
Didja Notice...
============================================================================

... Kramer's fake wood wallpaper? It's like a ski lodge!

============================================================================
Net reaction and comments:
============================================================================
Fill in later...

============================================================================
The truth about the raisins
============================================================================

At the conclusion of the audition, Pepper walks over to the coffee table,
puts down his bag, picks up the box of raisins, eats a few, and puts
the box down. He says, ``Well,'' and picks up the box with his right hand,
which is already holding the script, so the box is covered by the script.
He picks up his bag with his left hand and says, ``Bye.'' He leaves.

The perfect crime.

The raisins in question were Sun-Maid, by the way.

===========================================================================
This episode capsule is intended solely for the private enjoyment of the
readers of alt.tv.seinfeld (and others, I suppose) and is provided by Scott
Simpson through many life-endangering hours of laborious and grueling
compilation and transcription. The quotes contained herein are obviously
the property of Castle Rock Entertainment (or Jerry Seinfeld, or someone)
and any of the above text should not be used for any commercial purposes
without the permission of the owners, lest they track you down and make you
squeal like a stuck pig...

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