Corrected Seinfeld Olympic Moments
Bob Warznak
dialogue) to the Olympic moments. This should be the final
version.
--
"He is a loathsome offensive brute, yet I can't look away"
Bob Warznak
rs...@backyard.bellcore.com
Bell Communications Research
(908) 699-2488
--CUT HERE--
"Seinfeld Olympic Moments"
written by Bob Warznak
(updated August 11, 1992)
Moment #1 (aired night 7/22 and night 7/23)
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
Jerry: Pass the cream, George.
[The guy with the torch runs comes in.]
George: Hey, look.
Torch Guy: Hi, maybe you can help me, I'm lost. Do either of you know
the way to Barcelona from here?
Jerry: Well, I'd take the West Side Highway to the Cross Bronx.
George: Hold, Hold. What are you nuts, at this time of the day. Listen
to me. Take the FDR to the Major Deagan.
Jerry: What are you talking about, the FDR is under construction.
George: He's running.
Moment #2 (aired night 7/25)
Jerry and George in the Cafe. The guy with the torch runs in, grabs a
bag, pays for it and leaves quickly.
Jerry: Hey, look.
George: You supposed to tip on a take out order?
Jerry: Not when you're carrying the torch.
Moment #3 (aired night 7/25)
Set in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is talking to Elaine on the phone.
Jerry: Yeah Elaine the guy's on his way over to fix the oven. I think
it's the pilot light.
[Knock at the door.]
Jerry: Hold on, there he is now.
[Torch runner runs in, opens the oven door and lights the pilot, and leaves.]
Jerry: So I set it to 375 and I baste every 15 minutes. Uh huh. Thanks.
Moment #4 (aired morning 7/27)
[This is the only one I haven't seen. Mark Shneyder sent me this write up.]
The phone in Jerry's apartment rings while he's unlocking his door
and it's a guy from a radio station leaving him a message telling him
that he, Jerry, just missed a trip to Barcelona. When Jerry finally
walks in,the radio guy already hung up. Jerry picks up the receiver
and goes "Hello Hello Hello ....".
Moment #5
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
Jerry: How come only athletes get nicknames like Karl "The Mailman" Malone?
George: Writers should have nicknames.
Jerry: Yeah, like Carl "The Truth" Sandberg.
George: Leo "Prime Time" Tolstoy.
Jerry: Judith "In Your Face" Krantz.
George: Tom "The Refrigerator" Clancy.
Jerry: Eugene "The Real Deal" O'Neill.
Moment #6 (approx. 9:30 PM EDT 7/28)
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
Jerry: Do you know yachting was an Olympic sport?
George: I never watch that stuff.
Jerry: How come?
George: It's too easy to cheat.
Jerry: How do you cheat in yachting?
George: It's simple, you stick a small motor under the hull. They
never check.
Jerry: Don't you think they'd be a little suspicious when one boat
wins by 16 hours, with no wind? Hmm?
Moment #7 (approx. 11:15 PM EDT 7/28)
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
George: Hey the judo finals are today. I love that, especially when
they break the bricks.
Jerry: That's Karate.
George: You sure, maybe its Jujitsu.
Jerry: No, Jujitsu is strictly self defense.
George: What about Akita.
Jerry: That's a dog. You mean Akido.
George: Okay then what's Tae Kwan Do.
Jerry: That's a judo, but with the spicy prawns.
Moment #8
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
George: Unbelievable.
Jerry: What's that?
George: This Olympic diver is a 13 year old girl.
Jerry: Hmm.
George: When I was 13, I used to run through the sprinkler with an inner tube.
Jerry: Well, girls mature faster than boys.
Moment #9 (aired night 7/27)
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
Jerry: Hey you want to watch the Olympic diving? It's on in 20 minutes.
George: Nah, no action.
Jerry: What are you talking about? Remember in '88, Louganis hit his head on
the board and then won the gold medal.
George: Yeah, what are the odds of that happening again?
Jerry: No, that's a dive now. The highest degree of difficulty. The
Louganis, half-gainer, no-brainer.
Moment #10
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
George: Hey, modern Pentathlon's today. That's 5 events right?
Jerry: Right.
George: Wonder what the Ancient Pentathlon is?
Jerry: Well, there was the eat run and wretch.
George: The Caligula head toss.
Jerry: The 400 meter Emperor stab.
George: Poke the eye of the Cyclops.
Jerry: Poke the eye of the Cyclops, and the run till your dead.
Moment #11 (approx. 10:30 PM EDT 7/29)
Jerry and George in the Cafe.
George: Why don't they have Olympic dog racing?
Jerry: Well, it doesn't involve humans. It's cruel to the animals. It's
surrounded by liquor and gambling. It's the total antithesis of
the Olympic spirit.
George: Sure, professional dogs. I'm talking amateur.
Moment #12 (approx. 10:30 PM EDT 7/29)
George and Kramer in the Cafe.
George: Target shooting, that's a dull one.
Kramer: They ought to have all the competitors meet in the center of town
in the Olympic village and just shoot it out like the OK Corral.
George: So there'd be no silver or bronze.
Kramer: No, no. It'd be a total elimination.
Moment #13 (aired night 7/27)
In the Cafe, Jerry and George watch Kramer show off his Olympic gymnastics
talent and grace.
Kramer: You grab the rings, and then you pull yourself up until your arms are
completely parallel. And then...
[Kramer has his arms extended and starts to shake and shiver.]
Kramer: It's called the iron cross. It's the most graceful thing I've ever
seen. And then you dismount.
[Kramer falls backward, kicking Jerry and George's table. He falls onto a
stool along the counter.]
Kramer: Well, a cup of coffee please.
Moment #14 (approx. 8:15 PM EDT 7/29)
Jerry, George and Kramer are being interviewed right off the set of the
show.
Interviewer (John): Great show today guys. Jerry, I don't think I've
ever seen you funnier. You know that may have been a personal
best.
Jerry: Thanks John, it felt good out there. I tell you I couldn't have
done it without these guys. There's no "I" in funny.
Kramer: There's a lot of words with no "i". Texas.. rug..
John: Kramer, how'd you feel out there?
Kramer: Banana.. hydrant..
John: George, are you looking forward to sweeps week?
George: Oh no no no no no, we're gonna take it one show at a time.
Kramer: Cat.. Flower..
John: Well that's the story from here. Now back to the studio and Bob.
Kramer: Horseshoe.. Bob.
Moment #15 (approx. 12:30 AM EDT 7/29)
Jerry interviewing a gymnast, with the Olympic rings and the NBC logo
in the background.
Jerry: I'm here with 8 year old Kathy Kwan, star of the gymnastic
team. You must be looking forward to the games, Kathy.
Kathy: Yes, those games are very special to me. As I will retire
when they're over.
Jerry: Retire? You're kidding.
Kathy: I'm not 6 anymore. Besides you have to give those
youngsters a chance to make their mark.
Jerry: What are your plans for the future?
Kathy: I like to spend more time with my parents and watch them
grow up.
At that, Jerry rolled his eyes (like you've all seen him do on the
show) and turned the other way.
Moment #16 (aired end of night 7/27)
Robert Stack of Unsolved Mysteries is in Jerry's apartment. He's using his
usual Unsolved Mysteries tone of voice. The Unsolved Mysteries theme is
playing in the background.
Robert: July 1989, Jerry Seinfeld and three friends embark on a neurotic
journey through New York City, obsessing over life's tiniest
details. One day they mysteriously disappear. Never seen again.
If you have any information concerning the whereabouts ...
[Jerry enters from the left, off camera.]
Jerry: Hey, hey Bob. [Music dies out] Here I am right after you,
Wednesdays on NBC.
Robert: Another mystery solved. [Music picks up again.] Did you call me Bob?
Moment #17
Jerry sitting by his computer in his apartment.
Jerry: Do you know the correct pronunciation of Barcelona is actually
Barthelona? That's because, many years ago, the King of Spain
spoke with a lisp and the members of the court, trying to curry
favor with the King, adopted his unusual speech pattern. Absolutely
true. Just a piece of Olympic trivia for you. I'm Jerry Theinfeld.
Moment #18
Jerry sitting by his computer in his apartment.
Jerry: Do you know why the marathon is 26.2 miles? Because in Ancient
Greece, a man named Phadipadeis ran from Sparta to Marathon 26.2
miles. He delivered a message collapsed and died. Had he run to
the town of Sprint, a mere 100 meters away, Phadipadeis would be
alive today. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
Moment #19
Actually a promo for Blossom. The characters Blossom and Joey are sitting
on a sofa watching TV.
Joey: Hey look at that, Seinfeld's coming back early.
Blossom: We're coming back early, too.
Joey: We're going to be on Seinfeld?
Blossom: Yes Joey. Kramer's our new father, Dad's dating Elaine and George
is gonna live over the garage with Tony.
Joey: Woo, I better go clean my room.
Blossom: He's an idiot.