Half Wits
Scott Lucas
classic, which I saved from last August! Any of you with this skit on
tape have the second half of it?
>
> Alex Trebel: So Darren, it says here you have a family?
> Darren Peel: (draws blank)I don't quite follow you Alex.
> Alex: You know, a family- a mother, a father...
> Darren: Ah yes, that's right! I have a mother, a father, and
> another brother named Darren.
> Alex: No, I mean a family of your own.
> Darren: I don't quite follow you Alex.
> Alex: You know- wife, kids...
> Darren: Ah yes, that's right Alex! I have a wonderful wife,
> and 2 lovely boys named Frank!
> Alex: well welcome to the show, and good luck!
> Alex (to Arthur Andrew Liggott): So Arthur, it says here that
> you're a doctor.
> Arthur: uhhhhhh, I lied. I thought it would sound good on tv!
> Alex: So Arthur, what do you do?
> Arthur: uhhhhhh, I work.
> Alex: And where do you work?
> Arthur: uhhhhhh, around.
> Alex: Could you be more specific?
> Arthur: uhhhhhh, it's just a job.
> Alex: Okay, we're talking with Blanche now.
> Arthur: uhhhhhh, Alex, it's a factory.
> Alex: That's fine Arthur, but we don't want to hear it right now.
> Alex (to Blanche Rae Kellogg): Blanche, it says here you're a
> secretary.
> Blanche: That's right Alex.
> Alex: So, who do you work for?
> Blanche: the boss.
> Alex (to Lawrence Orbuck): And over to Lawrence Orbuck!
> Lawrence: Right-o Alex!
> Alex: Lawrence, it says here you're still at school. Postgraduate
> work perhaps?
> Lawrence: It's high school, Alex- I'm having some degree of
> difficulty getting through high school. But that's okay, because
> I have certain goals in life. One is to be a professional hockey
> player, and the other is to be a circuit court judge!
> Alex: (condesendingly) That's great Lawrence! Diffficulty getting
> out of high school? What seems to be the problem?
> Lawrence: Although I have a firm command of the English language,
> I can neither read nor write! And I still believe Italy is
> nestled between NewZealand and Australia, and that my morning
> glass of milk comes from cats!
>
> from three shipwrecked Canadians in Australia, dying for some
> quality t.v.
> P.S. "What does DEDUCT mean, Alex?"
>
>
I haven't seen this sketch in years, but the words "chest of
drawers" and "cheese omlette" come back quite clearly!
Antman
Thanks, johnny ola, and welcome to "Half Wits", the show where
contestants pit their knowledge of certain subjects against one another.
All four of our contestants are currently tied for the lead....all at zero.
Not a single question answered correctly...not even a hint of a correct
answer....but that could all change today as we look at our categories
for this evening. But first let's meet our contestants.
Alex: Let's say 'hello' to Darren Peel. Darren, welcome to the show.
Darren: Thank you Alex, and we'd like to have you over for dinner
real soon.
Alex Trebel: So Darren, it says here you are a family man?
>> Darren: Ah yes, that's right! I have a mother, a father, and
>> another brother named Darren.
>> Alex: No, I mean you have a family of your own.
>> Darren: I don't quite follow you Alex.
>> Alex: You know- wife, kids...
>> Darren: Ah yes, that's right Alex! I have a wonderful wife,
>> and 2 fine sons named Frank!
>> Alex: well welcome to the show, and good luck!
Alex: Let's meet Blanche Rae...
Blanche (dinging bell): That is correct, Alex!
Darren (interrupting Alex): Alex, did I mention my wife?
Alex: I'm sorry, Darren??
Darren: My wife. Did I mention that I had a wife??
Alex: Ah, yes, Darren, and two sons.
Darren: ...named Frank. I was just checking.
Alex: Blanche Rae. It says here that you are single.
Blanche: That is correct. I am unattached.
Alex: It also says here you are a secretary.
Blanche: That is correct, Alex. I work for Mr. Hargrove.
Alex: And what line of work is your employer in?
Blanche (confused pause): He's the boss.
Alex: Well, good luck to you, Blanche.
Blanche: Thank You, Alex.
Alex: Arthur Andrew Liggett.
Arthur: Hi, Alex
.
>> Alex (to Arthur Andrew Liggott): So Arthur, it says here that
>> you're a doctor.
>> Arthur: uhhhhhh, I lied. I thought it would sound good on tv!
>> Alex: So Arthur, what do you do?
>> Arthur: uhhhhhh, I work.
>> Alex: And where do you work?
>> Arthur: uhhhhhh, around.
>> Alex: Could you be more specific?
>> Arthur: uhhhhhh, it's just a job.
Alex: Lawrence Ohrbach.
>> Arthur: uhhhhhh, Alex, ...
Alex: We're finished with you, Arthur.
Arthur: Alex, it's a...
Alex: I'm sorry, Arthur, we're talking with Lawrence.
Arthur: It's in a warehouse.
>> Alex: Arthur, I don't really care at this point.
Alex (to Lawrence Orbuck): Lawrence Orbuck!
>> Lawrence: Right-o Alex!
>> Alex: Lawrence, it says here you're still at school. Postgraduate
>> work perhaps?
>> Lawrence: It's high school, Alex- I'm having some degree of
>> difficulty getting through high school. But that's okay, because
I have certain goals in life I feel comelled to achieve. One is to be a professional hockey
>> player, and the other is to be a circuit court judge!
Alex: Well, good luck in your endeavors, Lawrence, and welcome to the show.
Lawrence: Right-o, then.
Alex: When we left the last show, Darren had just chosen the category "articles
of clothing found in a bedroom". Darren, can you name three articles of clothing
found in a bedroom?
Darren (nervous pause): Coat hangers?
Alex: Coat hangers??? I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Anyone else? Blanche Rae??
Blanche: A parka??
Alex: A parka? You mean like a "winter parka"?
Blanche: That is correct, Alex.
Alex: Judges? No, I'm sorry, Blanche. Your answer is incorrect. Lawrence Ohrbach!
Lawrence: A chest of drawers, Alex!
Alex (in disbelief): A chest of drawers. Unbelievable. No, Lawrence. Listen to the
question, people. We're looking for CLOTHING. Found in a BEDROOM. Arthur Andrew
Liggett!!
Arthur: Alex, what's that thing??
Alex: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: You know, that thing...ooooohhh...
Alex: Arthur, we need an answer.
Arthur: A thing! oooh....
Alex: Arthur, do you have an answer?
Arthur: It's a ......ooohh.... a quilt??
Alex (astonished pause): A quilt. We were looking for articles of clothing
found in a bedroom.You know, like pajamas, nightgowns, robes..
All: (collective groaning)...Oooohhh.....THAT!...........Too hard!
Alex: Let's move on to our next category, but first, here's Johnny Ola to tell them
what they can win.
Announcer: Seat covers! The finest in plastic seat covers from Vinyl World, the seat
cover people!
Alex: Well, Blanche it is your turn to choose a category.
Blanche: European cuisine, Alex!
Alex: European cuisine it is, Blanche. Name a dish from each of the following three
countries. First, Italy. Name a popular dish...
Blanche (squinting into the audience for guidance): ......I'll say 'cheese omelettes'!
Alex: Cheese omelettes!! No, Blanche. No, cheese omelettes don't come from Italy. Darren Peel!
Darren: I'll say 'spare ribs'?
Alex (by now, in despair): SPARE RIBS?????? No, Darren, spare ribs are NOT ITALIAN
FOOD!!!!! Lawrence Ohrbach!!!!
Lawrence: Swedish meatballs!
Alex: Swedish meatballs! Lawrence, can I ask you something? Do you know where in the HELL
swedish meatballs come from? ARTHUR ANDREW LIGGETT!!!
Arthur: Spain??
Alex: Well, we're still tied at zero! Tell you what: instead of going into the next round with these
same contestants, I'm instead going to ask each contestant to pick a number between 1 and 10.
The closest contestant will advance to the next round. Darren Peel, pick a number between 1 and
10.
Darren: 12?
Alex: BLANCHE RAE!!! PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 10!!!
Blanche: That's what I was going to say, Alex. 12.
Alex: ARTHUR ANDREW LIGGETT!!
Arthur: Any number, Alex??
Alex: JUST PICK A NUMBER!!!!!
Arthur: 12, Alex.
Alex: LAWRENCE OHRBACH!!
Lawrence: Now I'm confused, Alex. Could I have a list of the numbers that have already been
taken?
Alex (defeated): Well, it looks like we'll be going into next week with the same contestants, and
hopefully a new talent coordinator. So until next time, this is Alex Trebel saying 'goodnight' and
remember, a half-wit is (looking at the contestants) SOMETIMES better than no wit at all.
I just watched this skit again last night! That's why it's so fresh in my mind!
Antman