8 Weird Creatures That Need SyFy Movies

[Ubiquitous]

By Steven Romano

SyFy Original Movies. The very utterance of these three words bring to
mind cheaply rendered CGI effects, cheaper actors with questionable
acting skills, and plots so embarrassingly trite that you cringe over
the fact that some group of faceless film executives (if that's what
they should even be called) actually gave the movie's creators the
greenlight to start shooting. Still, for all our lambasting and cheap
shots, there is a guilty pleasure to be had watching oversized reptiles
and blatant mockbusters take up roughly 90 minutes of our time which
otherwise would have been spent on something equally as unproductive, if
not more so. But for those of us who actually sit down and take the time
to appreciate this cinematic garbage, one may begin to notice that these
films tread familiar territory time and time again. For the sake of the
audience, how many mega sharks, dino sharks, or mega dino sharks versus
giant octopi can one person take before they demand something new and
with a little more substance; essentially, a SyFy Original Movie that
dares to break conventional barriers and delve into the weird world of
more obscure monsters from myth (they've already done it with
Manticore)!

Don't change the channel or you'll miss eight weird creatures that need
SyFy movies (but I'm pretty sure you'll be able to watch it On Demand,
anyway).


8) Blemmyae

A hallmark of any SyFy Original Movie is the use of substandard CGI
technology and skills to create the various monsters and effects that
fail to distract viewers from the ungodly acting and plot. And you can
bet that the more grandiose or detailed the monster, the worse off it is
going to look. So for the sake of the digital artists' ineptitude (hey,
they aren't Industrial Light and Magic material), it's best to work with
something that requires minimal effort to render, and that's where the
Blemmyae comes in. The Blemmyes, according to myth, are a race of
cannibalistic wild men with no actual heads, but compensate for this
shortcoming by naturally having their facial features and orifices grow
on their chest -- as well as having an uncanny resemblance to
Christopher Walken. So if anything, SyFy would be smart to create a
movie centered around the Blemmyae since 1) Even a digital art school
dropout can render one with relative ease, and 2) The CGI costs wouldn't
be so steep, as well as helping to meet SyFy's yearly crappy movie
quota.

7) Domovoi

Looking somewhat like an unshaven, and utterly dazed, vagrant who
wandered into the house, the Domovoi is a whimsical Slavic spirit that
guards over a family's home and makes sure that everything is in proper
order... unless you happen to live like an absolute slob, because
that'll completely piss off the little guy. From banging on pots and
pans to sitting on you while you sleep, among other generally terrifying
activity, the Domovoi can turn into a pretty nasty fellow; which is why
his ghostly escapades would make for a good SyFy movie, granted that
things would be embellished for entertainment purposes, of course (a tad
more violent, for example).

But the whole thing with a horror movie based on the Domovoi is that it
can go either one of two ways. The first would be an original plot
probably centered around a family coming into contact with a murderous
Domovoi left behind by the houses' previous owners (for obvious reasons)
and discover that no evil spirit can break the bond of a family, as
hackneyed as it is. The second, and the most likely to be chosen, option
is a blatant ripoff of Gremlins -- or to a lesser extent Munchies --
with multiple Domovye in their place. Who knows, Howie Mandell might be
up for lending his voice to the creatures!

6) Sea Monk

Having nothing to do with the falsely advertised Sea-Monkeys of so, so
many disappointed childhoods, the sea monk is the result of travel-weary
-- or sauced -- sailors mistaking squid and large marine mammals for
monk/fish hybrids. While the average person would view the sea monk as
nothing more than crazed hallucinations, the average and healthy SyFy
Channel executive should be seeing movie potential followed by their
pupils turning into dollar signs. And the premise for this made-for-TV
masterwork? A tourist who strays away from the pre-established tour of
Vatican City stumbles upon a dark and insidious secret beneath the
city's streets: A laboratory where, for years, the papal conclave has
been splicing human and fish DNA to create an unstoppable army of sea
monks. Their mission: Nothing short of world domination, of course. It's
not a very novel plot, but you'd be lying if you said you wouldn't watch
this.

5) Polevik

If the Domovoi was anything to go by, it seems that Slavic spirits have
the tendency to lash out over mundane things, some more so than others.
But the one spirit that leads them all in this regard is the Polevik,
who makes the Domovoi's angry antics look like a child's tantrum.
Looking like a deformed dwarf with grass-like hair and different colored
eyes, the Polevik despises the sight of lowly humans sleeping on the
job. As fitting punishment for your sloth, you're either rewarded with a
disease -- don't want to know how this is done -- or one of his many
other colorful forms of lethal corporal punishment, such as having a
horse trample you. But the Polevik's wrath can be easily remedied with
two eggs (exactly), a rooster, a crow (no ravens!), and a toad left in a
ditch.

It's the Polevik's bizarre list of demands that would make for
emotionally driven storytelling for a SyFy movie. When an overworked
coal miner closes his eyes for "just a few seconds," he wakes up to find
an angry Polevik ready to thrust a pickaxe square through his forehead.
But before the spirit administers its own deranged brand of workplace
justice, he offers the miner's family this proposition: Gather what he
wants before midnight and the life of their familial patriarch will be
spared. It soon becomes a race against time as the family scours the
countryside searching for the items the Polevik demands, hoping that it
will please him. Oh, and did I mention that the Polevik's arms are
getting a little tired holding up the pickaxe? Tick-tock, tick-tock...

4) Umibozu

Umibozu are just one of many sea monsters that terrify sailors in
Japanese mythology. Purported to be the disembodied spirits of monks who
drowned at sea -- as evidenced by their shaved noggins -- Umibozu are
described as towering, pitch-black ghosts that accost passing ships
solely on the principle that they're giants and must therefore go out of
their way to be complete and utter jerks; that or they really don't like
their moments of prayer disturbed. But rather than go the barbaric route
and smash the ship to smithereens, the Umibozu politely asks if the ship
has a barrel on board. If you're stupid or extremely scared enough to
comply with their demand, then you have the honor of watching the
towering dirtbag use it to fill your ship with water causing it to sink.

If we're going to turn this into a SyFy Original Movie, it's paramount
that the entire myth be placed in a more contemporary setting, one
that's trendy and hip enough to resonate with the kiddies at home.
Instead of the Sea of Japan, let's make it, say, off the coast of the
Jersey Shore or the Hamptons. And in place of a barrel, it would
definitely be a beer keg being used as the instrument of the party
yacht's guests' demise. Of course, this occurs after the Umibozu gets
plastered from a "totally sick" keg stand.

3) Catoblepas

If you've played plenty of Dungeons & Dragons and/or Final Fantasy, you
already know what this thing is. But for the few that haven't, the
catoblepas is practically a bovine from Hell given its scaly back,
shaggy, unkempt mane, and bloodshot eyes. But other than being the hot
mess of the mythical animal kingdom, the catoblepas has poisonous breath
and/or a petrifying gaze, accounts varying from one naturalist to the
next. However, due to its rather weighty head, the beast can never truly
look straight up, rendering the creature harmless... but not in a SyFy
Original Movie.

Picture this: An innocuous mom-and-pop petting zoo receives an Area
51-bound catoblepas instead of their expected cow due to a shipping yard
mix-up. Things go from bad to worse when guests begin dropping dead and
turning to stone from its poison breath and Medusa-like glare,
respectively. But why stop there? The catoblepas, by description alone,
sounds like a foul monstrosity, so why not turn it into a vomiting fart
machine as well? A gross-out, tongue-in-cheek B-movie that will...
probably be way overbudget for SyFy.

2) Tanuki

It would be superfluous to make any additional commentary about this
image of tanukis doing what they do best (besides drinking), but if SyFy
ever decided to actually make a movie about these crazy critters and
their... unique ability (i.e., giant, inflatable testicles), the FCC
would have a field day -- and their work cut out for them.

1) The Mobile Leprechaun

The place: the Crichton area of Mobile, Alabama. Thought to have been
expunged by mystics millennia ago from the Ancient Tomes of Crichton,
the story of the Mobile Leprechaun and his pot of gold surface once
again; in its wake an outbreak of mass hysteria as everyone clamors to
claim the gold for themselves. However, one of Crichton's more
avaricious and foolhardy citizens commits an act that seals the fate of
his neighbors and the state of Alabama at large. Driving a backhoe --
his rationality blinded by the Ahab-like obsession to find the Mobile
Leprechaun's gold -- the man destroys the tree that had once been the
creature's eternal prison, unleashing a primordial and devastating force
that does not want to be contained. As the death toll rises, the
community places reluctant faith in the local leprechaun hunter that
they once ridiculed, and the arcane flute of dubious mystical ability
that he holds in his hands -- the bane of the Mobile Leprechaun's
existence. And with the monstrosity making his way to the city to sate
his hellish bloodlust, the hunter must rely on the arcane wisdom of his
forefathers to save the lives of millions. "Who all see da Leprechaun
say DIE!" Yes, this is an unabashed ripoff of Leprechaun. And it's for
this reason that the entire project will be handled by The Asylum --
purveyors of the unoriginal!

--
"If Barack Obama isn't careful, he will become the Jimmy Carter of the
21st century."

[curmudgeon]

Now a hybrid TV show that I would like to see is,
Face Off meets Who's Line is it anyway.
Just think of it, Science Fiction with a sense of humor.