Lister merely nodded. He didn't make any comment, to Kryten, where this
was concerned. He had to remember, that he was no longer, in the Medi-game,
and that, his quarters, on the Dwarf, were the old Officer's quarters, as
the old grey bunkroom (Lister and Rimmer's original quarters), and the
Cell room, on Floor 13... If Floor 13, had ever existed, that is...?!
In time however, Lister would eventually discover, that Floor 13, really
did, indeed, exist.
But the circumstances, that he and the Dwarfer's would find themselves in,
when they eventually re-discovered, Floor 13, would be very different,
to the circumstances, that the Dwarfer's had been in, on Floor 13, in the
medi-game. Very different indeed... But it would be a very long time, before
Dwarfer's, re-encountered, Floor 13. A very long time, indeed...!
Even though, he was very tired, Lister was looking forward, to seeing the
old Sleeping quarters, once again. Perhaps, he would feel a lot better, once
he got himself re-acquainted, where that was concerned, all over again. Or
he thought, anyway...
Once the lift doors had finally pinged open, Lister and Kryten, gently
manoeuvred, Rimmer's: Javanese camphor-wood chest, into the corridor,
which led, to the old Sleeping quarters. As the trunk, was very heavy to
into position, into the corridor, via the lift, and as Lister had got to
on the job, in hand, he did not immediately notice, the devastation, in the
that, awaited him, and Kryten...
And once, he and Kryten, had taken a breather, for a minute or two, Lister
nearly had a heart attack, when he noticed the devastation, in the corridor,
With regard to the corridor, which led, to the Cat's quarters, it was a very
high-tech futuristicky, state of the art, kind of silvery looking corridor,
which had only attracted, a minimum layer of dust, just like his (the Cat's)
which had been aimed, at the crème de la crème of the Red Dwarf personnel,
over three million and four hundred and six years ago, like Mr Ackerman,
for example... But whether, there was another version of Mr Ackerman, in
the present reality, for the Dwarfer's, to come across, it remained to be
And the standard Officer's quarters corridor, didn't come equipped, with a
flashy silver roof, which led to the Cat's quarters.
It was just basic standard roof latching, which had now fallen out, and it
was now rotting, quite badly, and there were pools of water, on the corridor
floor, along, with the rats. And there was one rat, in question, who was
leading, his fellow Brother rats, in a procession...
But Lister didn't want to show how disappointed, he was, in front of Kryten,
and he did his level best, to put on a brave face, where this was concerned,
they slowly, but surely, made their way, to his old Sleeping quarters.
But that said, there was still something, that was concerning Lister.
Something, that he couldn't quite put his finger on...
And by the time, they had finally placed, very carefully, Rimmer's
camphor-wood chest, on to the floor, of the Sleeping quarters, Lister's
spirits, had sunk, very low, indeed, after he had cast his eyes,over, at the
general state of the place...
The ships electricity, and heating systems, had been fully restored, by
And the screen, on the wall of the Sleeping quarters, no longer, had the
merrily swimming away.... And on the filthy screen, was the standard speed
counter, with the bright purple and green flashes, on it. The speed counter,
there, quite obviously, to indicate, the mileage/kilometres, that the
covered, over the past three million, and four hundred and six years. And
the Dwarf, wasn't in the process of moving, and as the counter, wasn't
moving, at the
moment, Lister's bleary eyes, discovered, that the counter status read: Ten
trillion and four hundred and six.
But that wasn't the problem, the computerised image of the Goldfish, could
restored, in a matter of nanoseconds, if he wanted to, that is. It was the
that was the problem, that covered everything, even the bedclothes! And
there were some rats, that were on the table, still picking, at the remains,
of a curry, on a plate, that Lister had eaten, four hundred years and six
ago, which was still encrusted, on to the plate! With a single wafture of
Kryten flicked the rats, off the table, because, as he was a Mechanoid, he
immune to diseases, such as the plague, and as his towering robotic
seemed, to scare, the life out of them, they soon scurried away, very
And the state of Lennon and McCartney's filthy fishtank, hit Lister very
indeed. There was no longer any movement, from his robotic Goldfish,
their batteries, had quite obviously packed up, four hundred and six years
And, as for his favourite guitar... A genuine Les Paul copy, which was
saturated, with dust, was utterly soul destroying, as far, as Lister was
And this time, Lister could no longer hide his disappointment, in front of
But Kryten did his level best, to reassure him, and he stated: "As far as I
can see, at this present juncture, in time, there is no damage to the roof,
quarters, like there is in the roof, in the corridor, outside, sir. It
looks, like, the water supply pipes, have corroded, but that can easily, be
rectified. I will get the Skutters, on to all necessary repairs, tomorrow
where that is concerned, sir, and any other necessary repair jobs, in the
And the same goes, for Mr Cat's Sleeping quarters, and the corridor, leading
his Sleeping quarters. And I will clean your Sleeping quarters, as soon, as
possible, for me, to do so sir". Lister nodded, grateful for Kryten's
where this was concerned, and he stated: "And, I will do my best, to clean
as much, as it is possible, for me, to do so, Kryten man". "I am under
clean up, Mr Cat's Sleeping quarters, before I can get on to your
voice, suddenly trailed off. This didn't surprise Lister, all that much. The
an utterly selfish creature, and his needs, would always come, before,
else's, needs. That was the way, that it was, with him, and always, would
as long, as he lived, God help his fellow Dwarfer's, and any other poor
who had the pleasure, of making his acquaintance! "Well you would be,
you! Don't worry yourself, Kryten man. You can sort out some old rags, for
from your cleaning supplies cupboard, and hopefully, that should get rid of
of the dust" said Lister, doing his level best, to reassure, Kryten, though
he didn't sound,
very hopeful, where that was concerned. And he had a feeling, that the
would only shift, a layer of the dust, where Rimmer and Lister's Sleeping
concerned, and that, it would take, an army of cleaners (or Skutters, if the
everyday, Red Dwarf fan, would prefer! - Marie Birch), to get their
quarters, back to
normal, once again! Kryten stated: "I will sort out, some cleaning rags, for
you, first thing,
tomorrow morning, sir". "Thanks Kryten, well you'd better get back to your
get some downtime, before we face Holly, tomorrow morning" said Lister. "But
your trunk, sir?" Kryten asked him. Lister's face dropped, as he suddenly,
realised, that he
had totally forgotten, all about, bringing back, his own trunk, back, to the
And by rights, he should have remembered, especially, as he had gone over,
all of it's contents,
just before, they had boarded, the Dwarf. And, it was getting very late, by
now, and he wasn't,
all that anxious, to unpack, his trunk, at that very moment, especially, as
it contained, some very
painful memories, where Krissie, was concerned. And he decided, that he
would do his level
best, to persuade, Kryten, not to retrieve his trunk, from Starbug, until
at the very least, anyhow! Lister stated: "Forget it, Kryten man. You can
sort it out, tomorrow
afternoon, for me. You desperately need to downtime, before Holly, is ready
to see us, tomorrow
morning. And that is an order!". Unfortunately however, Kryten was not to be
"But Mr Lister, sir, Holly has insisted, that the cargo bay doors, are to be
locked, and security
overridden, before we set off, tomorrow morning..." Kryten insisted. Lister
sighed, as he glanced, at
his watch, it was now 4.00a.m, and Holly wanted to see them, in the Science
Room, at 8.00a.m,
before, breakfast, and Lister, had been hoping, to get about eight hours,
worth of sleep, at the very
least! Lister had guessed,quite correctly, that Holly, would demand, that
the cargo bay doors, be
security overridden, once they had all sorted out, their belongings and he
felt, that it was probably, for
the best, if he didn't argue with Kryten. And even though, he had no
intention of unpacking his trunk,
at that very moment, he didn't fancy, having his favourite possessions,
being inaccessible, to him, for quite,
some considerable time, to say the very least! And he felt, that it was
probably, for the best, if he went along,
with Kryten, to the cargo bay, and retrieved his trunk. And it would be, for
the very last time, that they would
be going down there, that evening, and what had they got to lose? It would
only take them, another twenty
minutes, or so. Or so, Lister, thought, anyway...
"Alright Kryten. Let's go and get it sorted then, before Holly, locks us
out, of the cargo bay, for once and for all" Lister finally replied. And,
with that, Lister and Kryten, left the Sleeping quarters, and made their
way back, into the corridor, to the lift, which would take them back, to
the cargo bay, once again...
Unfortunately however, when Lister and Kryten, arrived, in the corridor,
which led into the cargo bay area, again,
they did not receive, a very nice welcome, via Holly's image, on the
was situated, on a side wall, on the right hand side entrance, of the
cargo bay area. She
was looking, very peeved, indeed, and she was wearing a white nightcap,
was very similar, to the one, that the male Holly had worn (except, it had a
genuine feminine air, about it, especially, as it was trimmed, with a lace
and it, had a very frothy and fluffy computerised air, about it), when
had, inadvertedly, woken him up, when he had asked him, to produce, a triple
fried egg with chilli and chutney sandwich for Rimmer, on his Deathday. And,
that seemed, like a million years ago, now, after all this time...
Holly lashed out, at Lister and Kryten, in an instant: "Eya!! When are the
two of you, going to bed?! I want to put an override, on the entrance to
the cargo bay area, and I was hoping to offline, for the best part of eight
before I briefed you all, about our present situation, in the Science Room,
tomorrow morning! I'll be lucky, if I can get three hours, offline, after
that you lot, have mucked about, where unpacking your stuff, off Starbug, is
By now, Lister, was also looking, very peeved, indeed, where unpacking
their stuff, off Starbug,
was concerned, and he said, as much, to Holly, though, he was doing, his
level best, to control his temper, where this was concerned. "Holly, we're
hardly likely, to go gallivanting off, into deep space, on Starbug, the very
moment, that we've arrived back, on the smegging ship! You could have
put in, the security override, on the entrance, to the cargo bay doors,
thing, tomorrow morning!" he said, in a very impatient manner. Holly nodded
to this. It had suddenly struck her, and she said - "Oh Gawd, I didn't
about that!". "Well, you never do, that's half your smegging trouble! Look,
just give me and Kryten, another fifteen minutes, to get my trunk, and then,
you can override the entrance, to the entrance of the cargo bay, for the
rest of smegging eternity, for all, that I care!" said Lister. Holly knew,
she had got, no choice, but to agree, with him, especially, as Lister, was
his level best, to be reasonable, in the circumstances! And, she was also
concerned, about Lister's, general attitude, as well, which just wasn't like
when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day! But she made no
comment, where that was concerned,
and she was more, than determined, to get to the bottom, of it, in time, and
find out, just exactly, what was making him, so miserable, into the bargain!
But she guessed, quite correctly, that the very long delay, where unpacking,
their belongings, from Starbug, wasn't exactly, helping matters, either!
she felt, that it was
probably, for the best, if she did everything, in her power, by giving
Kryten, the extra time, that they needed, where retrieving, his trunk,
from Starbug, was concerned, for the time being, anyhow!
And Kryten stated: "I will have to make sure, that the boarding stairs,
to Starbug, are back in place, and that all, of the entrances, are security
overridden, Holly. It shouldn't take all that long, to retrieve, Mr Lister's
Holly sighed, and said - "Alright, you've got your extra fifteen minutes,
But don't take, all night, over it!". "Don't worry, we won't" said Lister,
trudged begrudgingly, behind Kryten, to where Starbug, was situated, in the
Fortunately however, it didn't take very long, for them, to retrieve,
in the Sleeping quarters, on Starbug. And, as it was a fairly lightweight
compared to Rimmer's Javanese camphor-wood chest, it only took them, the
best part of five minutes, before, they reached the door of Starbug's
Just another ten minutes, left to go, Lister thought.
It was a much slower process, where offloading, the trunk, in question,
was concerned, down Starbug's boarding stairs, was concerned, which took
Lister and Kryten, the best part of another ten minutes. And, it also took,
Kryten, the best part, of another five minutes, to seal all of the doors, of
Starbug, and for the boarding stairs, to slide back, into it's compartment.
put in the security override, where Starbug's doors, were concerned, he
stated cheerfully: "That's it, Mr Lister, sir. We can leave the cargo bay,
Lister was vastly relieved, that Starbug, was inaccessible, to them, for the
and he felt, a little bit sad, because, he felt, that it was going to be a
fairly long time,
before they set off,
in search of new adventures, and brave new worlds, once again, or so he
However, little was Dave Lister, to know, that the next time, that he and
fellow Dwarfer's, set off, in search of a new adventure, on Starbug, it
change, the course of his life, and theirs, forever...
But it was still very early days, where that was concerned, for the time
And it was no time, for nostalgia, especially, as Lister, was more
him and Kryten, getting the hell out of the cargo bay, with his trunk,
because, they did
not want, to put Holly out, any further. She had been more, than generous,
them, the extra time, that they needed, where sorting out, all of their
concerned, as it was, and not to mention, been left on her own, in deep
space, for the best
part, of four hundred smegging years! And having to maintain, all necessary
systems, on the
ship, without any company, for all that length of time, had probably sent
her doolally, all
over again! Which was the last thing, that they needed, at this present
time! And Lister and
Kryten, thought, that it was probably, for the best, if they did everything,
in their power, to
pacify her and humour her, for the time being, anyhow!
And, it took them, the best part of another five minutes, before, they
reached, the outer part of the entrance, to the cargo bay doors.
Fortunately however, Holly, didn't complain, about them, taking an extra
five minutes, to retrieve Lister's trunk, especially, as they had done,
best, to retrieve it, as quickly, as it was possible, for them, to do so, in
But she did remonstrate, with them, a little bit: "About time! Alright
then! I am closing,
the cargo bay doors, now! And I am putting in a security override. This
area of the ship, is inaccessible to you all, until I say, otherwise!
Unless, it is
that is!". Lister and Kryten, didn't argue. In fact, Lister, would be more
not to have access, to the cargo bay area, of the Dwarf, for as long, as he
It had been more trouble, than it was worth, where travelling on Starbug,
concerned, lately, after all, that they had to put up with, especially,
after all, he had
been through, where the medi-game, was concerned! In fact, as far, as
concerned, he would be glad, to see, the back of Starbug, for the rest, of
Kryten stated, very briefly to Holly: "I will have to have access, to the
cargo bay area,
in time, because, I will have to go through, all necessary cleaning
routines, on Starbug,
and I will have to sort out, an updated supplies inventory, and there will
be some, major
routine maintenance checks and repairs, which I will have sort out. And
there will also be
some, minor routine maintenance checks and repairs, which I will have to
the Skutters. But there is no immediate rush, for that, at the moment,
Holly". Kryten, was
doing, his level best, to pacify Holly, where that was concerned, because
she was looking,
very peeved, indeed, where Kryten's suggestion, for all necessary cleaning
maintenance checks and repairs, and the updated supplies inventory, on
concerned. But when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day, she
knew, that she
had got no choice, but to co-operate, where that was concerned, especially,
as she related to
Kryten, via computerised orders. And she said - "Very well, Kryten, I will
raise the matter,
with you, again, where all necessary cleaning routines, routine maintenance
checks and repairs,
and the updated supplies inventory, on Starbug, is concerned, at a later
date". "Thank you, Holly"
Kryten answered. And, without any further ado, Holly set up the process,
where the security
override, of the cargo bay doors, was concerned. Lister, suddenly felt very
unhappy, as the cargo
bay doors clanged shut, just like the gates of doom, because he had now
finally realised, that he,
and his fellow Dwarfer's would be shut off, from the outside world, for the
time being, if you could
call, deep space, the outside world, that is...!
But for Lister, his travels, in deep space, with his fellow Dwarfers's, on
Starbug, was the
nearest thing, that he could get, to the outside world, but he would just
have to accept,
that his outside world, was cut off, to him, for the time being, anyhow!
"Well, I'm going to offline, for the time being. I'll see you lot, in the
at 8.00a.m, after breakfast.Goodnight then". Lister gave Holly, a brief
smile, and he
stated: "Alright then.Goodnight Holly. And thanks, for giving me and Kryten,
time, that we needed, in the cargo bay area, to sort out my trunk. Sorry, if
we put you out".
Holly gave Lister a brief smile and said - "Anytime Dave, Goodnight", and
with that, Holly's
image, suddenly fizzled out, on the monitor, Kryten stated: "Mr Lister", we
must be getting
along, now, sir. It's getting late". "You can say that, again, Kryten man!".
Lister answered him,
as he glanced, at his watch, it was now 4.30a.m. And, just to clear things
up, with Holly, where
sorting out, his trunk, was concerned, and closing off, the cargo bay area,
on the ship, had cost them,
both, the best part of half an hour!
And with that, Lister and Kryten, picked up the trunk, between them, and
made their way, into the lift,
which would take them back, in the direction of the Sleeping quarters.
And it was while, they were doing this, that it suddenly came to Lister, the
niggling thing, that had been worrying him, earlier on, where Kryten, was
concerned. Kryten was running out of power! No wonder, his movements,
had been so slow, and jerky, ever since, they had arrived, back on the
And, that would explain, why his legs, were making him look, even more bandy
legged, than ever! He desperately needed to downtime, for the best part of
hours! He could manage to downtime, for a couple of hours, before, they had
briefing, with Holly, tomorrow morning. He could just about manage, where
was concerned, but he would need, the best part, of another ten hours of
before, he could even consider, making a start, where cleaning up, the Cat's
was concerned, and if that, put the Cat out, then it was just too bad!
Lister realised, that Kryten, was beginning, to run out of power, because
there was a
lot more, leg room, for him, to manoeuvre, about, on the Dwarf, than there
Starbug! In fact, now that Lister, thought about it, he suddenly cast his
mind back, to
the moment, when they had first arrived, back on the Dwarf, and Lister, had
the surprise, of far more, leg room, on the Dwarf, than there was on the
And that same sense of surprise, where the amount of far more, leg room, on
was concerned, was now also, beginning to catch up, with Kryten, as well, as
Wel,l all of them, come to that! They had been away, for far too long, when
came down to it, at the end of the day! And Kryten, had also got a
with the standard three pin adaption, on Starbug, as well, as the
maxi-recharging unit, with
the standard three pin adaption, on the Dwarf, in his quarters, so there was
there! And even though, he had definitely given himself, a re-charge, on his
device, on Starbug, the night before, they had arrived, back on the Dwarf,
it would have probably just been, for a couple of hours, or so, which was
where Starbug's, cramped living quarters space, was concerned. But it was
definitely, not ideal, for the vastness, of the Dwarf, when it actually,
to it, at the end of the day! And, he would need, the best part of a full
hours, at the very least, where that was concerned, even though,
a couple of hours, of downtime, would just be enough, for him, to make the
very quick jaunt, from his quarters, to the lift, which would take him, down
to the Science Room, to consult, with Holly, in just under four hours time.
wouldn't be a problem, Lister thought, as they made their way into the lift,
but he would have to persuade him, to go to his quarters, immediately! And
Lister cursed the Cat, with his two hundred suit racks and twenty two
mirrors, which must have eventually caused, the decrease, in Kryten's
Kryten seemed rather concerned, when he noted, the very worried expression,
on Lister's face, after they had finally entered the lift, after he had
buttons, which would take them back, to the Sleeping quarters. "Is there
something wrong, Mr Lister sir? You look rather worried, to say the very
least! Is something bothering you?", Lister smiled at his old friend and
said - Kryten, I'm worried about you man. You need to downtime, immediately,
don't you? And don't pretend, that you've only just worked it out, you've
known full-well, that you've needed to downtime, from the very moment,
that you stepped back, on to the ship, haven't you?". Kryten nodded sadly.
He knew, full-well, that he couldn't lie to Mr Lister, especially, as he
him so well, after all these years. "Yes sir. I knew, that my power, was
diminishing, more or less right away. But you and Mr Cat, also desperately
needed, to downtime, and your needs, were my immediate priority. And, I had
got a duty,
to unpack your belongings, so that Holly, could put an override, on the
to the cargo bay". "We need to get you to your quarters, right away, man.
sort out my trunk, tomorrow morning"said Lister, in a very firm voice, and
he reached out, for the button, on the lift, which would take Kryten, down,
his quarters. "But Mr
Lister sir, we have reached, the floor, which leads, to your quarters"
stated, as the lift, ground to a halt. "It won't take five minutes, to
place, the trunk,
in your quarters". Lister
sighed, as he realised, that Kryten, was still very determined, to do his
duty, where his
Master's belongings, were concerned, to the very last! And, not only that,
he was far too weary, to argue, with him, by then, aside, from the fact,
want to hurt his feelings, into the bargain, anyway. And even though, he
the way, that Kryten insisted, on doing his smegging duties, as if it was a
matter of life and death, Lister knew how much his duties, meant to him, and
he would never, ever, have knocked him, for it, in a million years! And he
always, very respectful, to
him, where that was concerned, when it actually came down to it, at the
end of the day!
But that said, even though, sorting out the trunk, would only be a five
job, as Kryten, had just suggested, Lister knew full-well, that five
was all, that it would
probably take, for him, to lose, all of his essential power systems,
knowing his luck! But he
knew, that he had got no choice, in the matter, but to take the risk, where
sorting out, his
was concerned, anyhow! So, he merely stated: "Alright Kryten, but the very
moment, that we place, that trunk, in my quarters, I will escort you, back
to your quarters, and I will make sure, that you are re-charged, for the
part, of two to three hours, before we are briefed by Holly, tomorrow
And that is an order! Do you understand?". Kryten knew, full-well, that he
got no choice, but to obey his Master, especially, as he was beginning,
to have real difficulty, in just generally basic leg and arm, co-ordination
And, he didn't want to mention
it, to Mr Lister, but he had now reached the point, where he could barely
focus his eyes, on
a single object. And it was also becoming very hard, for him, to make, even
the most simplest, of decisions. But while he still could, he didn't want to
Lister. They had got a job to do, and as moving, the trunk, into to the
meant, that he had got to crouch, it would conserve, his remaining battery
power, to a
certain extent, and only a minimum amount, at that! And Kryten guessed, that
probably, drain him, of his remaining battery power, just to stand up, all
over again! But
there was no way, that he was going, to make Mr Lister aware, of that fact,
and he could,
just about manage, to move the trunk, into the Sleeping quarters. And, he
and he said - "Yes Mr Lister, sir". And with that, the lift doors opened,
and Lister and Kryten,
made their way, into the corridor, with the trunk, in question. And Lister,
gave his watch, yet
another brief glance, and he sighed. It was now 5.00a.m...
It was a very slow journey to the sleeping quarters, and Kryten, was even
more, bandy legged,
than ever! Amd Lister, was very concerned, with regard to Kryten's very slow
with his trunk, naturally, but he didn't dare to ask him, if he was alright,
because he knew, that
Kryten, would insist, that he was perfectly alright, and that there was no
need, for him, to worry. And he was fully aware, from past experience, that
would be, a complete waste of time, even asking him, if he was alright, and
it would only hinder, their progress, even more, anyway. And, it was
the best, if they rode the eye of the storm, for the time being, anyway, and
basically see, how it went from there, anyhow!
And even though, it was only a couple of minutes walk, from the lift, to the
Sleeping quarters, because of the weight of the trunk, and Kryten's, very
insecure and jerky movements, it took them, the best part of twenty minutes,
to enter the Sleeping quarters. But they made it, in the end, and even
Lister, was breathless, after his trunk, had been placed on the floor,
Rimmer's camphor-wood chest, he was vastly relieved, to say the very
Unfortunately however, Kryten's general estimation, where his remaining
power supply, was concerned, was pretty accurate, to say the very least!
it took him, quite some considerable effort, to straighten himself up, from
posture, that he had had to get himself into, to move Lister's trunk, from
into the corridor, and finally, into the Sleeping quarters. Lister was
looking very concerned, especially, as it had taken, the poor droid, the
minutes, to straighten up. Kryten had now taken on the equivalent posture,
of a man or a woman, who had suddenly pulled a muscle, in his or her back,
and he was finding it, next to nigh impossible, to make the effort to stay
let alone walk! And even worse, unbeknownst to Lister, Kryten suddenly felt
a terrible whirring, in his head. He had an idea, what that whirring meant,
especially, as he had never, ever, had the experience of all of his
systems, dying on him, like this, until now, that is! He suddenly, thought
the times, that he had had, to go offline, whenever Mr Lister, had had to
him, in the past, especially, when he had crashed his space bike, into that
and he had had to totally reconstruct, his appearance, which had made him
look totally unrecognisable, to what he was, when he had first, acquainted
himself, with Mr Lister and his fellow Dwarfer's. And, not to mention, the
Mr Rimmer, had insisted, on taking him, to that S3 planet, in question, when
there had been a Moon quake, thanks to Mr Rimmer's subconscious, turning
against him, where he had got trapped, underneath some wreckage, which had
caused extensive damage, to his right eye, an arm, and his legs, which Mr
had had to cut off, very badly, with the welding equipment!
And, he had had to knock Kryten out, to get the job done, of course,
thanks, to his constant whingeing on, about his engineering capabilities!
Fortunately however, on Starbug, Lister had been able, to sort out, the
repairs to his right eye, which had soon been retrieved, from Kryten's left
which he had removed, which also, turned into a miniature robotic warning,
emergency alert system, which had to interact, with a computer,
which would inform Lister and the Cat, that he was in big trouble!
however, Lister and the Cat, had thought, that Kryten's hand, which also
as a miniature robotic warning, emergency alert system, was a very large
Taranshula, or should I say, Tarantula?! And, even though, his legs, had
been cut away from him, via the welding equipment, so that Lister, was able
to remove, his torso, from the wreckage, they were fairly easy, to
Kryten's torso, especially, as Lister, had been very careful, when he had
Kryten's legs, from his torso, via the welding equipment, that Lister had
earlier on, and as they were fairly intact, it was a fairly straightforward
re-attaching, his legs, to his torso (especially, as he was like action man,
in that department!), was concerned, when it actually came down to it, at
of the day!
Unfortunately however, Kryten's left arm however, had been mangled, beyond
repair. Fortunately however, Lister had managed to salvage, a spare left
another, of Kryten's emergency spare parts kit, which he also kept, on
which had recently been salvaged, on a derelict, which they had encountered,
couple of weeks, before Rimmer had discovered, the S3 Planet, which he had
foolishly, insisted on, exploring, taking along, with him, the poor
which had ultimately, led to his downfall. And, it was only a matter of
time, before it would lead, ultimately, to Mr Rimmer's, downfall!
And, as there was a stick, protruding out, from Kryten's new left arm, and
it, was just
a matter, of twisting his left hand, on to it. And, as it was still fairly
intact, there was
no need, for him, to twist, a new spare left hand, on to his new left arm,
And there was also the time, when Kryten, had had to shut down, all non
systems, so that he could create, a Dove programme, after the navi-comp,
on Starbug, had become infected by the Armageddon virus, which had been
created, in revenge, by the evil Simulant Captain, whose ship, the
had attacked, in self-defence, especially, as the Simulant Captain, and his
had upgraded, the bug, via the drive interface, the engines, and they had
provided them, with laser cannons, just so they could provide, the Simulant
Captain and his crew, with some entertainment, in a no win, no lose, Cat and
Mouse game situation, which the Dwarfer's had refused, to agree to, and they
had attacked, the Simulant ship, without, any warning! And, the Simulant
had made them pay, very heavily, for that, via infecting, the navi-comp,
Armageddon virus, and Kryten, had contracted, the virus, and in the end,
he had had to create a Dove programme, which had created a dream scenario,
in the form, of a Western, and his fellow Dwarfer's had had to go in, and
him, and finally obliterate, the Armageddon virus, for once and for all!
And, there was the time, that his spare heads, kept on blowing up, and
Lister, had had to keep on replacing them, because he had finally lost it,
his fellow Dwarfer's had entered Pride and Prejudice World, via the AR
on Starbug, especially, after Mr Lister, had asked him, for some ketchup,
with the Lobster, he had served them, all with, for his celebration dinner
celebrate, the day, that he had been rescued, from the Nova 5), didn't
help matters, either!
But now, that Kryten thought about it, the time, that he had lost his spare
heads, hadn't really happened, at all, had it?! It had happened, in the
medi-game, when Mr Rimmer,
had pretended to be Miss Kochanski, which had been done, to boost, Mr
Lister's morale, which had
eventually, got him out, of the coma, that had occurred, after the attack,
future selves, which seemed like, a million years, ago, now...! Perhaps,
he was losing it, Kryten thought, if he was thinking, that the incident,
him, losing his spare heads, had really happened, after all! But it hadn't
happened, or had it?!
And even more recently, there had been, the terrible incident, when Mr
had finally lost it, because, he had been very depressed, to say the very
after he had discovered, that Mr Rimmer, had pretended, to be Miss
all along, which had been done, to boost, Mr Lister's morale, which had
got him out, of the coma, that had occurred, after the attack, via their
which seemed like, a million years, ago, now...!
And, instead, of serving, his fellow Dwarfer's, with chilled margaritas, to
celebrate, locating, Red Dwarf's, vapour trail, at long last, he had
served them all, with urine recyc, which had all, caused them, to have foam
moustaches! And, that had been the final straw, as far, as Lister, was
concerned, and in the end, he had
lost his temper, and in complete and utter defiance, he had tipped the
pitcher of urine recyc, all over Kryten, which had caused him, to shutdown,
especially, as the 4000 series, wasn't waterproof! Fortunately however, Mr
Rimmer, had been more, than considerate enough, where getting him back,
online, was concerned, and he had, also had the sense, to siphon, out, all
the excess water, out of him, via the water filter, in his emergency first
which had got, to be linked, by his groinal attachment, naturally! But Mr
Rimmer, had saved his bacon, by filtering out, all of the excess water, just
the nick of time! And eventually, all of that, excess water, would have got
his CPU, which would have caused, irreparable damage, and Kryten, would
to exist, as a mechanoid, for once and for all! And, his CPU, was the
of a human's nervous system, and without, his CPU, Kryten, would officially,
classified, as brain dead, unless, his CPU, was replaced, immediately! But
that, was highly unlikely, especially, when you are three million years,
space, and computer parts, are very hard, to obtain, via your nearest
CPU Service Engineer! Seriously though, finding any old, 4000 series CPU,
was not a very easy task, to locate, on the kind of derelicts, that the Boyz
Dwarf, happened, to come across! Unfortunately however, Mr Rimmer's
repairs, hadn't been sufficient enough, to say the very least, especially,
kept on, referring to him, as a Smeghead, into the bargain! And, after
lost his temper, with Mr Rimmer, which had also caused him, to punch him,
very hard, into the bargain! Unfortunately however, he had landed him, with
a blow, that he had caused, extensive damage, to his light bee, which had
his memory banks, to offline. And thanks, to the stress related disorder,
before he had created, Rimmerworld, via escaping, from the pod, off the
disintegrating Simulant ship, it had also caused him, to have the
of a brain haemorrage.
And Kryten, had insisted, on transferring him, via his light bee, to the
Suite on Red Dwarf, for extensive repairs, to his light bee, which would
definitely, rectify, the problem, for once and for all! And Lister, had felt
guilty, by what he
had done, that he had shaken himself, out of his depression, immediately,
and he had insisted, that Kryten, shut himself down, once again, so that, he
could definitely, make sure, that he was repaired, properly, for once and
all! And, as it turned out,
the repairs, to Kryten, were quite easily, rectifiable, when it actually
came down to it, at the end of the day! As it turned out, his start up disc,
slightly, out of alignment! That was all,it was! It was, as simple, as all
Kryten, was soon
back, in full working order, within, the space of fifteen minutes! But that
Kryten, did not like, having to shut himself down, unless, he absolutely had
and the last
couple of times, that he had had, to shut himself down, hadn't been, a very
nice experience, for him, to say the very least! And, he shuddered to think,
what it was, going to be like, to shut himself down, involuntarily, all over
again! And, this time, it was
going to be, through, his own stupidity, and nobody else's, when it actually
came down to it, at the end of the day!
Kryten was no longer sure, if anything, was really happening, to him, at the
moment! But there was one thing, that he was definitely sure about, and
that, the whirring, he was feeling,
in his head, was the mechanism, which was supporting, his part organic
brain, was now, in the process, of actually, shutting down! He was fully
aware, about that part, of the shut down process, of course, because he
had studied, those essential details, in question, as part of
his core programme, which had covered, his recharging system, which he
would need, to be fully aware of, in an emergency situation, where that
natuarally. But he had never, ever, had, the experience, of been in an
situation, where his recharging system, was concerned, until now, that
And the times, that I have mentioned here, when Kryten, had been forced, to
shut down, in the past, due to essential
repairs, and the emergency situations, that he had been forced, to take part
in, over the Millennia, were nothing like this, when it actually came down
at the end of the day! And, whenever, that had happened to him, in the past,
was the equivalent, of just going, into a very deep
sleep, and everything, had just gone black, until, he was back, online,
But Kryten, had always been very lucky, where conserving, his remaining
battery power, in the past, was concerned. And, he had always been fortunate
enough, to get to his maxi-recharging device on the Dwarf, and his
device, always, way in advance, on
Starbug, and get, all of the necessary downtime, that he needed (and the
closest, that he had ever come, to losing, all of his remaining battery
when he had only got, four hours of remaining runtime, left, and that was
one hell, of a lot, of remaining battery power, that was left, in his
when it actually came down to it, at the end of the day! And even then, it
slowed him down, a little bit!), so that, he could come back online, again,
his duties, again, until now, that is...!
Kryten was also feeling very dizzy, and he could barely focus his eyes, on a
concerned, Mr Lister's face, and he could just about make out Mr Lister's
when he asked him: "Are you alright Kryten man? Let me assist you". Lister
arm out, to offer his support, to Kryten, but stubborn to the very last,
insisted: "I-I-I'm p-p-erfect-ly al-right, M-m-mr Lister, s-sir. I-I'm
b-back t-t-o-o my q-quarters, n-n-o-w, th-han-nk y-y-o-o-u-u". And, now
his voice unit, was beginning to pack up, into the bargain! But somehow,
managed, to extend, one foot forward, and drag his other foot, behind him,
gave him, the appearance, of having an extremely bad limp, and his very
amusing, bandy legged, appearance, had disappeared, for the time being! But
somehow, he managed, to
stay in front of Lister, who very slowly, and reluctantly, trudged, behind
the corridor. Lister could have quite easily, gone out of the Sleeping
the corridor, which led to the lift, to offer him some guidance. But again,
knew full-well, from past experience, that Kryten, was too proud, even for
and even though, he would not, have made any objections, where that was
concerned. After all, he was programmed, to obey. But that said, Lister
that, Kryten had got every right, to insist, on leading the way, as per
And again, Lister had no intention, of hurting his old friends, feelings,
happened! And it was utterly soul destroying, for Lister to see his dear old
struggling, with just his basic, everyday movements, which he had so easily,
for granted, before, they had boarded the Dwarf, and Lister, was now
to regret, their arrival, on the Dwarf. Why, nothing had gone right, for
them all, since,
they had got back, on board!
Fortunately however, Lister had totally underestimated, the true extent, of
Kryten's very limited battery power, owing to him, that had been conserved,
thanks to him, crouching down, when they had taken Lister's trunk, from the
lift, into the corridor, and the Sleeping
quarters. And, as it so happened, Kryten had got exactly, ten minutes of
remaining battery power, in his recharging system, left owing, to him! And
Lister felt, a little
bit more hopeful, as Kryten managed, to extend his arms and legs, with a
little bit more flexibility, than he had been able to, in the Sleeping
quarters, which was to
their benefit. Unfortunately however Lister's hopes, were very short-lived,
because, Kryten had only had, that little bit, more flexibility, where his
and legs, basic, co-ordination,
was concerned, in the corridor, because there had been no furniture, in
the corridor, for him,
to negotiate, his way around, like there was, in the Sleeping quarters,
and it would only, enable
him, to negotiate, about another ten yards, if he was lucky, that is!
Unfortunately however, just before they reached, the entrance to the lift,
Kryten suddenly slowed
down to a halt. And Lister suddenly gasped, as Kryten, began to lurch
forwards, to the floor. And
in a very slurred voice, Kryten said - "I- a-am e-ev-v-er s-so
s-s-o-o-r-r-r-e-e t-t-o-o in-nconv-e-e--n-i-i-en-c-ce y-y-o-o-u-u, M-m-r
L-Li-s-s-t-t-e-e-r s-si-r-r, b-b-u-t-t I-I h-ha-v-v-e r-r-u-u-n o-u-u-t
But that was Kryten's very last words, for the evening, because as his
battery power, had run out, it had also affected, his vocal mechanism
operating system, as well, as his motor operating system, which affected,
walking patterns. And with his arm stretched out, which he had intended, to
use, to open the lift doors, Kryten suddenly came crashing, in a forwards
direction, down on to the floor, of the corridor.
After he had struggled to turn him over, there was no point, whatsoever, in
Lister, asking Kryten, if he was alright, because he knew, full well, that
would not answer him, until he was fully recharged, once again. And his
had suddenly closed tightly shut, which gave him, the appearance, of being
asleep, as he no longer, had the necessary power, which enabled, his optical
operating system, to stay active, which kept his eyes, open.
And Lister knew, that he had got no choice, but to drag him along, to his
quarters, and get him on, to his maxi-recharging unit. And, the minimum
recharging time, that Kryten, so desperately needed, before Holly, was
to brief them all, in the Science Room, at 8.00a.m, tomorrow morning, was
to three hours, which would enable him, to perform, basic movements, which
would re-enable, his optical operating system, so that he could see, again,
more importantly, than that, would also re-enable him, to walk, the very
short distance, from his quarters, to the lift, which would take him up, to
Science Room, so that he could communicate, with Holly. Lister looked at his
watch, and sighed. They were running out of time. It was now 5.30a.m.
Unfortunately however, Lister had truly underestimated, how heavy Kryten
really was, and no matter how hard, he tried, he could barely drag him, the
very short distance, that was absolutely necessary, to get him, into the
interior, of the lift! He managed to drag the poor defeated
droid, a couple of inches, at a time, but the sweat, was absolutely pouring
off him, and
the effort of dragging him, was killing him! And, after he had dragged
him, one more time, Lister could stand no more, and he finally collapsed,
a heap, on the floor of the corridor, and he suddenly, burst into tears.
no way, that he was going to be able, to get Kryten to his quarters! He had
gone, and let his old friend down, and all for the sake, of their smegging
Lister had had, just about more, than he could take! Ever since, they had
arrived back, on the Dwarf, things, were considerably worse, for them all,
better! Rimmer was not around, for now, because, thanks to him, losing his
temper, on Starbug, his light bee, was still being repaired, in the Hologram
The effort, of arriving on the Dwarf, had been far too much, for the Cat,
was physically exhausted, and more selfish, than ever! Holly, now returned
her female self, had become extremely hostile and rather short tempered, and
Kryten, was now temporarily, out of action, thanks to the Cat's selfishness,
by not doing his bit, where unpacking, his two hundred suit racks and twenty
two mirrors, were concerned! And, because Kryten, was so considerate and
caring, where sorting out, his fellow Dwarfer's belongings, was concerned,
hadn't occurred to him, to complain, that he was physically exhausted, even
though, Lister, had more or less sensed, that there was something wrong with
him, when they had first arrived, back on the Dwarf, because, he had been so
anxious, to get all of their belongings, back on to the Dwarf, as soon, as
it was, possible, for him, to do so, because he had wanted to put the last
hundred years, of the terrible
consequences, of the medi-game behind him, especially, where the memories,
of Kochanski, were concerned, and just basically, start, all over again. But
he knew, deep down, that he could never, ever, put something, as terrible,
as all that, behind him, and just basically, start, all over again, by just
to their everyday life, on the Dwarf, when it actually came down to it, at
of the day! Oh God, Lister thought. What was going, to become of them, all?!
wished he was back, on Starbug, and that he could pretend, that everything,
alright. But it wasn't, was it?!
And now, that the Dwarfer's have unpacked, the very last, of their
from Starbug, at long last, and now, that we know, just exactly, what is the
with Kryten, at long last! He desperately needs, recharging!
And now that Kryten, has totally run out of power, and Lister, does not,
have the strength to get him, into the lift, which will take him, to his
how will he find a way of getting the poor droid, into the lift, and back to
quarters, and make sure, that he gets the necessary two hours of
that he needs, so that, Holly, can brief them, about their current
the Dwarf, where their route, back to Earth, is concerned!
And just what exactly, what is the Boyz from the Dwarf's, current
situation, on the Dwarf, where their route, back to Earth, is concerned?
And worse even than that, just exactly how on Earth, is Lister, going to
face Rimmer, all over again, in the Science Room, tomorrow morning,
with barely any sleep, into the bargain?!
And will Lister, ever get a good nights sleep, and not come
to blows, with the Cat, before they set off, for Earth, once again?!
Find out all this and more, in the next exciting instalment of:
The Alternative Red Dwarf!
My new version of the Alternative Red Dwarf, actually set on the Dwarf, is
now available, for viewing, or downloading, at:
If you would like to go directly on to my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website, the
web reference is:
Now available on my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website.
A review of Red Dwarf VIII filmed live at Shepperton
Studios of the 4th of December 1998!
Some new Red Dwarf links on the Red Dwarf Links
Website, which includes links to:
Red Dwarf: The Official Website.
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (UK, Eire and Europe).
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (U.S.A, Australia
and New Zealand).
The Craig Charles Online (Official) Website.
The Unofficial Craig Charles Website.
The Unofficial Captain Butler Website.
The Danny John-Jules Fan Club: (Address details only).
The Unofficial Chloe Annett and The Unofficial Clare Grogan Websites.
The Unofficial Emile Charles Website.
The Inquisitor Red Dwarf Group and The Inquisitor Red Dwarf
The Josie Pargery Group - Red Dwarf-Fan Fiction.
Future Red Dwarf Projects.
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Favourite Episode Guide
has recently been updated.
Recently added to Xanadu:
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Fact File Website.
A review of the film: Xanadu and the lyrics for the theme
song: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John!
A review of the Red Dwarf VII Extended episodes:
Tikka To Ride/Ouroboros/Duct Soup/Possible
unedited material for Red Dwarf VII, plus a review
of Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg/The Tenth Anniversary
Smeg Ups/Universe Challenge and The Children In
A review of the Red Dwarf VIII episodes: Back
In The Red I to III!
For those of you, who are interested in my Unofficial
Captain Butler Website, the web reference is:
Recently added to the Unofficial Captain Butler
A link has been set up, for the Captain Pugwash
Website/The Captain Butler Maritime and Non-
-Maritime Incidents Website, informs you, all
about, The Mary Celeste Mystery and just exactly,
how old, Admiral Horation Nelson, was, when he
lost his arm!
The Captain Butler Good and Evil Pirates Website,
informs you, about, all, that you need to know, about,
Blackbeard, and the renowned legitimate Pirate:
Sir Francis Drake!
And my Captain Butler Fan Fiction: On The Goodship
Lady Captain has been updated!
For those of you who are interested in my Unofficial
Craig Charles Website, the web reference is:
Recently added to the Unofficial Craig Charles Website:
A link has been set up for Suzanne Rhatigan's (Kochanski
A Craig Charles Career Profile.
For those of you who are interested in the Doctor series,
the web reference is:
I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of the Doctor series: Why Do You Want To
Be A Doctor?
For those of you who are interested in Mind Your Language,
the web reference is:
I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of Mind Your Language: The First Lesson.
With regard to these reviews, they are incomplete, due to time
constraints, but they are available, for viewing or downloading,
via the appropriate websites, above, and they will always be,
permanently available, for this purpose. And when, they are
complete, it will be my intention, to notify, the various newsgroups,
to whom, they have been posted to, but sincere apologies, for any
delays, caused, anyway. And my thanks, go to all, on alt.comedy.british
who are interested, in my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your
Language Websites, in the meantime. And, it is nice to know, that there
is more than enough interest, to make it more, than worth my while, to
keep those websites going, thank you!
However, I am intending, to do brief plot summaries, of all of the Doctor
series episodes and Mind Your Language episodes, when, I next work,
on my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your Language websites, as
the reviews, that I am doing, of each episode, are very in-depth, and may
take up, a lot of webspace, in the meantime, and it is probably, for the
if I set up, episode Summary websites, in the meantime, which will be,
considerably shorter anyway, and for all fans, of the Doctor series and
Mind Your Language series, then at the very least, I have always, got
something, that, will give them, something, to keep them going, for quite,
a long time!
I will also, put up, a short independent notice, for this purpose, as soon
as it is
possible, for me, to do so, anyway, especially, as I get a lot of enquiries,
email, in general, via the Doctor series and Mind Your Language series,
from all over, the world!
More recently, on Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British
Comedy website, you may be interested to know that there are also links
set up for The Men From The Ministry website and a Maid Marian And
Her Merry Men website, and the series episode list, a counter status has
been recently set up, and a plot summary episode list website, and a
photograph of Maid Marian And Her Merry Men, has also been set up.
And most recently, I have set up some Maid Marian And Her Merry Men
update information, and there are some links set up to Keifling's Maid
Marian And Her Merry Men Message board and a Maid Marian And Her
Merry Men website called: The Hideout, which has got a lot more to offer,
than my Maid Marian And Her Merry Men website, especially, where the
graphics, htm presentation, picture files and interactive features are
concerned, especially, as my Maid Marian And Her Merry Men website,
is a little bit basic, to say the very least!
But for those of you who are interested in Lynne Guy's General Information
And Classic British Comedy website, then please go to:
On my Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British Comedy website,
you will find links set up for:
Our Astronomy web page
The College Of Adult Education in Wolverhampton website
The I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again website
The Cats Protection League Headquarters website
Wildlife Park Kirkcudbright website
Kevin Blake's: Puzlebox Hobbies and Puzzlebox Business websites
The Official Website Of The British Monarchy
Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British
Comedy website, you can find a web page, which informs you all about me:
Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information And Classic British
A message of sympathy for the families of the victims and the firefighters,
who lost their lives, via the attacks, on The World Trade Centre and The
Pentagon, in the United States of America.
A First Anniversary message for the families of the victims and the
firefighters, who lost their lives, via the attacks on The World Trade
Centre and The Pentagon in the United States of America.
That's All For Now, Folks!
Remove "spamfree" from address before replying
All email traffic on this computer is checked with Norton Antivirus
> Marie Birch.
Welcome back Marie, this newsgroup just hasn't been the same without you!
Why would a haddock kill itself?
and a colon.
And a duck colon? What?
I never get Marie's posts anymore!
Well that saves you some bandwidth.
I can e-mail them on if you like.
That can be arranged.
> Hercule Platini
> "Snot fair!"
I can translate them into Mandarin for you......
And - wow! - by some strange quirk of cosmic coincidence I have a sudden
craving for tinned fruit.
"I could eat a peach for - well, not very long, really."
I'm sure a duck finds his colon just as important as you find yours.