"Comedy" magazine
Sea
OCR ain't great, and I got pretty sick of it, so excuse the multiple
errors in the following. You can at least get the gist.
This stuff came out of a magazine that lasted for one issue back in
1984. It had Russell Bell on its staff, an apparent friend of Craig
Charles. To fill their first issue they had this nice long, somewhat
unprofessional interview with him spread across about 8 pages, and a
large photo of him on the front cover. Enjoy (if that's the right
word):
=======
COMEDY: Do you have a favourite episode?
CRAIG: I like 'Timeslides. It's a good story but I also like it
because our Emile ('our' being Scouse for 'my younger brother') is in
it, playing me as a younger man. I like Back ~i Reality
as well. 1~hat's the one where we have a group hallucination that Red
Dwarf is just a game. I think that's a really clever story.
COMEDY: While we're on the subject of games, I believe you're
something of a video game fan.
CRAIG: Oh. yeah. I'm a complete Nintendo freak. I love pinballs, and
ha4e you seen Ridge Racer? That's brilliant. You...(there follows a
lengthy diatribe on the relative merits of these games that would have
filled the next three issues of Comedy magazine.)
COMEDY: So, it would be reasonable to say chat you're fairly keen on
video games.
CRAIG: What makes you say that?
COMEDY: Just a hunch. What else is there in the pipeline?
CRAIG: I'm actually going to be doing a TV series with Robert
Llewellyn, who plays Kryten, called Conventioneers which involves
Robert and I driving across America in a knackered old I)atsun,
visiting all the Red Dwarf conventions across the Mid-West. I've been
to a couple already. it's weird at these con-
ventions though 'cos they all ask the same questions, like: "In
episode two, series three you had your appendix out so how come you
had your appendix out in episode five, series six?"
COMEDY: Right, let's move on to more cerebral heights. I gather you
fall on your head quite a lot during Red Dwarf shoots. Don't you have
a stunt double?
CRAIG: Don't be daft. I'm a Scouser You can drop a Scouser on his
head from a great height with no discernable signs of discomfort No, I
do all me own stunts. I had great fun in Marooned. They had a
propeller attached to a Volkswagen engine that was blasting half a ton
of soap-flakes at me, to make it look like a blizzard. I kept getting
blown off my feet.
COMEDY: All good clean fun. There's also a rumour that you're a little
hard on props.
CRAIG: That's a vicious lie. It's just that every time I pick
something up on set it falls apart. It's not my fault if they give us
shoddy bazookoids is it? I've quite often spun round in a scene and
been left threatening an alien blob with a plastic handle with a bit
of wire hanging off it.
COMEDY: Row close to your own personality is that of I~ister?
CRAIG: I suppose it's a caricature of my personality really.
COMEDY Do you like him?
(CRAIG(;: Sometimes I wish I WAS him, his life is so clear-cut and
simple.
COMEDY: Are you surprised that Red Dwarf has never won any awards?
Given that it has regular viewing figures of five million.
CRAIG: I don't think we're very much liked by the comedy
establishment really. We didn't even get mentioned on the A to Z of
comedy on Comic Relief. And we're the most watched show on BBC 2. But
it doesn't bother me. You have to remember that comedy is very
political. A bit like politics can he sometimes, except there aren't
as many comedians in comedy as there are in polities.
COMEDY: A hit of political satire there?
CRAIG: No, just a rubbish joke.
(:()MEI)Y: Do you see yourself as a comedian, a poet or an actor~.
CRAIG: Well, a bit of each really. I always try to diversify because,
if you establish yourself in the nation's consciousness as any one
thing, they won't allow you be anything else.
I stopped doing poetry on television because I thought I was just
using it as a vehicle for my sense of' humour
COMEDY: Are there any areas of comedy you haven't yet explored that
you would like to?
CRAIG: 1 really want to get a Red Dwarf tour together. A stand up
thing. It's funny 'cos no-one in Red Dwarf came from an acting
background. I was a poet, Chris was an impressionist and comedian,
Norman and Hattie do stand up, Robert was in the Joeys comedy group
and Danny was a singer and dancer Not a 'luvvie' in sight. The casting
director must have been mad when she put us lot together. But I'd
really like to do a large scale stand up tour with the Dwarf Posse. We
have such a laugh shooting the series. On the road would be serious
fun.
COMEDY: You recently played Judas Iseariot in a BBC 'Easter 'Yates'
production and though it started off in a fairly light hearted vein,
towards the end you could be accused of perpetrating some serious
acting. I must admit I ended up with a bit of a tear in my eye. In a
completely manly way of course. Are you harbouring any ambitions to do
a bit of serious 'Thesping' in the future?
CRAIG: Well, yeah. But it's very difficult to be taken seriously by
people that associate you with comedy. Well, they wouldn't take you
seriously would they? You're nor supposed to take comedy scabrously.
Acting's very much a thing I want to pursue though. I'd like to do
some more serious acting.
COMEDY: Does the cast of Red Dwarf have any input on the script
content of the shows?
CRAIG: Well, it's difficult for the writers not to pick things up ofT
us, because we're all laughing and joking all the time and a lot of
the words we use in everyday parlance end up in the scripts. A lot of
the slang and that.
COMEDY: I can imagine. What were you like at school?
CRAIG: Smaller.
(At this point it was decided to abuse the Comedy magazine expense
account in Craig's local. A number of the regulars nodded greetings to
Craig, including the pub dog who said "bark". Craig challenged me to a
game of pool, which involved me taking one shot to break the balls for
him, so that he could pot them all.)
COMEDY: I take it you've played pool before.
CRAIG: Yeah, I play in the pub team sometimes.
(At this point a massive biker with an angry looking beard strode
across the pub towards us. He was larger than most family saloons. I
looked desperately for an escape route. Unfortunately I wasn't fit
enough to run all the way round him so I just sat and waited patiently
to die in Zen-like resignation. A little puddle of Zen-like
resignation. "Yo. Tiny, Howya doin?" Craig's hand and forearm
disappeared into a massive paw as the broadly beaming biker shook his
hand warmly. There followed a conversation about a ten foot chopper
trike with a V12 Jag engine.)
COMEDY: You seem to make friends easily.
CRAIG. Yeah, I like people, all sorts of people. I don't like to judge
people on appearances. Take Tiny for example. He works for a charity
that helps people who've been injured in bike accidents.
COMEDY: What's your most cherished possession?
CRAIG: Oh, God. I don't know. I suppose9 my house, I absolutely love
it. It was built by Nicaraguan craftsmen. It's almost a completely
recycled house. The parquet floors are from an old laboratory. The
front is off a fire station. There arc bits of schools and churches
and all these Nicaraguan paintings and carvings on the bannisters.
Yeah. it's definitely my favourite possession. I'm getting a pool
table for it this week which is actually quite exciting in a big kid
sort of way. You'll have to come round for a game.
COMEDY: 'There's not much point. I only get one shot per game.
CRAIG: 1)0 ~()O fancy- another gamic?
COMEDY: All right, one more but if you don't let me win I'll spell
your name wrong.
(We played another game. I got two shots including the break.)
Smeghead: Sec, you had twice as many shots that time. You're
obviously improving. (He laughs at length in a 'Muttley sort of way.
'then he plunges his hand into his empty pint glass and rummages
around He tries to shake something out of it then holds it up to the
light.)
CRAIG: Nope, nothing in there. (I He beams at me in a thoroughly
disanning manner as I realise what he's getting at. I go to the ban)
CRAIG: If I talk really slo~Iy we could probably spin this interview
out for hours and spend all your expenses.
COMEDY: You talking slowly isn't a concept I'm readily able to grasp.
CRAIG; No, I do tend to gabble a bit.
CRAIG.. Where'd ~()ll get that shirt? It looks like something ~Iarks
made when Spencer wasn't looking.
COMEDY: I'm supposed to be asking the r~uestions.
COMEDY: Did you enjoy your six month stint presenting the morning show
on KISS FM ~L ondon\ soul music radio station)?
CRAIG; Yeah, it was great, apart from having to get up at the crack of
dawn. Fancy another game of pool?
(I can feel the interview slipping away like a well oiled trout so we
decide to continue on the 'morrow. Craig drags me off to the p(}ol
table as a ViS trike thunders off into the darkening night.)
The 'morrow..,
(As arranged, Craig arrives at the office the next day. He enters the
room like (Sarroll\' Chesire Cat. Your first impression is of a
massive, disembodied grin and 3then the flapping hands snap into
focus, closely fol
lowed by the rest of the body, a symphony of jealis and walking
boors.)
(~RAIG You're looking a bit rough.
(The Muttley laugh fills the office)
CoMEDY Yeah, must be something I drank. How come you're so lively and
cheerful?
CRAIG: A vision of loveliness just smiled at mc outside and a song of
spring burst forth in my heart.
Fancy a drink down the 1)tlb?
(Lacking the strength to argue I followed the Charles grin across the
road and joined him at the bar where he was moon walking back and
forth to the smind of his own verbal beat-box whilst ordering drinks,
[)layiilg pinball and racking the balls on the 1)001 sable. lie
juggles three of the balls)
CRAIG;: I ~ e juggling.
ZO~1EDY: Yeah. I saw you (doing a stand up routine it the Astoria in
l,ondon once, where you bounced a football on your head for the whole
gig. Is that s~imehing you learned for the show cit are you keen on
~football?
CRAIG;: No. I've been able to do that for years. If I ~hadn't gone
into comedy I might have been a foot)aller.
At this point I had a coughing fit, and beer came out ~of my nose)
RAIG Oh, God. You're a class act. Can you get dry leaning done on
expenses?
COMEDY Not unless I get this interview finished in me. Right, I
believe yo i've dipped inure than a toe into the shark infested waters
of the music business f late.
;RAJ(;: Yeah, I've got a music publishing deal in the tates. I've
written quite a lot of lyrics. In fact I'm sup posed to have sent a
load to Sarah-Jane Morris ~recently but I've fallen a bit behind on
those. Sorry arab-jane. I'll get them to you as 5oon as p055'. I've
iso got a record deal with Acid Jazz, ~ Which I think is ~the coolest
label in Britain, We've got most of an
album in the can. It just needs some BV's, horns and a bit of mixing.
(()NIII)Y: l~hat\ enough to keep three people busy.
(;RAI(;: 6\ctually, there's a couple of other things as well. I've
just done a voice over for a new Asterix cartoon film. I'm playing
Asterix. That'll be out sometime soon. And I've just done a pilot for
a new book programme called You're Booked. That's a 51)-week series
that starts in September and of course we're doing Red Dwarf Seven
early next year and a (,'Christmas special as well. There are also a
couple of other series in the pipeline.
(SONIEDY: %'c it would be fair to say that you've got you're work cut
out at the moment.
(;RŁ\l(;: It's just business as usual really. I always like to keep
busy.
(~ONiEl)Y I hear that you had a book published last year as welt.
(~ltAlc;: Yeah. i~he Craig Charles Almanac of ]Total Knowledge, a
modest little title.
(s()Nlf~I)Y: \\7hat's it about?
(~RAl(i: It's about six quid Sc) go out and buy one you tight gir.
It's basically a book on how to waffle vc}tir wav thr()ugb life in a
~itty and erudite manner. So buy one. You'll find it very useful in
your line of work.
(;()MlSl)\': I'll put it at the top of my birthday list. What sort of
things are in it?
(RAIG: It covers pretty much everything: Nuclear physics, psychology,
polities, yachting, antiques, philosophy, urban myths, There are jokes
and quotes, a section called Strange but False, then there's a thing
about wine...
(s()NIiŁl)Y: Wine? What's that all about?
CRAIG: It's all about wine. What do you think it's
about? It goes:
"If anyone opens a bottle of wine and asks your opinion there are only
three or four things you have to remember: smell the cork. If it
smells like vinegar the wine is probably 'corked' which is a euphemism
for crap. If it smells like wine, take a sip, smack your lips together
and make a face like a fish. Then say: 'Not bad...perhaps a little
long on the tongue.' No-one knows what this means but only wine
experts say it so it must convey something. Then, you should say: 'i
think I prefer the '83.' This is always a fairly safe bet as '83 was a
good year for virtually every kind of wine in Europe.
Most of the wines from that vintage are very good for laying down.
This means that if you drink more than two bottles you will almost
certainly end up laying down. Of course, if the wine you are tasting
is an 83, you will look like a complete wally A good way to impress
people at a parry is to buy a cheap bottle of plonk and cover it in
dust from the attic. It won t make it any more drinkable but at least
it'll look expensive and you could always say something really naff
like:
'I don't know what it's like, I just rushed down to the cellar and
grabbed the first thing that came to hand,' but then, of course, your
host will wonder what you are doing keeping cheap Albanian plonk in a
cellat. Finally, two thoughts to bear in mind: If a waiter says a wine
is "excellent with fish' it's probably because it tastes like vinegar,
and if you ask for a wine with a little body~ don't be surprised if
there's a dead fly in it."
(At this point we decide that we've covered pretty much everything and
retire to the pool room. I have three shots in the first game. 'Things
are definitely improving~)
(Excerpt from The Craig Charles Almanac of total knowledge reproduced
ha' kind permission of Boxtree Publishing)
Sea____________________
Some day I'll wear
Pyjamas in the daytime.
Charles Daniels
Ahhh one thing I MUST be getting wrong, I'm a bit confused Sea..mm..
Sea <s...@hawkida.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> This stuff came out of a magazine that lasted for one issue back in
> 1984. It had Russell Bell on its staff, an apparent friend of Craig
^^^^
> Charles. To fill their first issue they had this nice long, somewhat
> unprofessional interview with him spread across about 8 pages, and a
> large photo of him on the front cover. Enjoy (if that's the right
> word):
> COMEDY: Do you have a favourite episode?
> CRAIG: I like 'Timeslides. It's a good story but I also like it
> because our Emile ('our' being Scouse for 'my younger brother') is in
> it, playing me as a younger man. I like Back ~i Reality
> as well. 1~hat's the one where we have a group hallucination that Red
> Dwarf is just a game. I think that's a really clever story.
Do you mean 1994? I don't see how this interview could happen in 1984.
Sea
>Do you mean 1994? I don't see how this interview could happen in 1984.
Er, yeah. Typo, sorry. 1994.
Sea____________________
Wait for the wave
of the digital daydream.
Charles Daniels
>>Do you mean 1994? I don't see how this interview could happen in 1984.
> Er, yeah. Typo, sorry. 1994.
No big deal I was just in a surreal side reality for a minute ;)
Mariane Desautels
(I haven't actually read the thing, but --)
Can you imagine Red Dwarf set in "1984"?
Mariane
--
/, _ _/ /_| /. _ _ _/ /, _ _/ _/_ _ _/
<< ( //) /)()/ ( |(/_) ()/), (//)(/ ( //) /)()/ (/(-(/(/ . >>
uggc://cntrf.vasvavg.arg/nzarevn/ubzr.ugz
Sea
Ball" <db...@globalnet.co.uk> has stated:
>I just remembered, he's also the Guy who appeared on Craigs show Funky
>Bunker as the Mystic fortune teller type person(forget the characters name).
So *you're* the one person in the country who managed to stay tuned
for more than 5 minutes of that show?
Sea_______________________
And only if we didn't live
in life as well as dreams
Daryl Ball
Daryl Ball wrote in message <6s8v23$ijf$1...@heliodor.xara.net>...
>
>Isn't Russell Bell the person who co-wrote the Almanac of Total Knowledge
>and is also responsible for penning much of Craigs stand-up.
Jon Poole
<desautelsm...@POLLUTIONvideotron.ca> has made the following
statement:
>
>Can you imagine Red Dwarf set in "1984"?
You mean with Winston Lister, newspeak and Room 101 instead of Stasis?
Jon
--
'Hell, if that's got to make sense, I don't want to _be_ Sober'
j...@apathy.demon.co.uk http://www.apathy.demon.co.uk/
Garth
> We have it on record (<6sbhmq$2m$1...@heliodor.xara.net>) that "Daryl
> Ball" <db...@globalnet.co.uk> has stated:
> >Bunker as the Mystic fortune teller type person(forget the characters name).
> for more than 5 minutes of that show?
it was on that long? why did it seem about as funny as watching El
Dorado? (no, not the JW film, the beeb series)
"Garth"
http://www.student.comp.brad.ac.uk/~gward/
"If only everything in life was as reliable as God"
Garth
> This just in: Mariane Desautels
> <desautelsm...@POLLUTIONvideotron.ca> has made the following
> statement:
> >
> >Can you imagine Red Dwarf set in "1984"?
> You mean with Winston Lister, newspeak and Room 101 instead of Stasis?
I could barely believe that if:
Top of the Pops is presented by : The Kit.
A remake of Clash of the Tytons, starring a futurised sanatation robot and
entitled: Crash of the Tryton.
and the new Russian leader is : Cardinal Rommer.
PS forgive me for being weird.. it's just my nature.
Charles Daniels
> This just in: Mariane Desautels
> <desautelsm...@POLLUTIONvideotron.ca> has made the following
> statement:
>>Can you imagine Red Dwarf set in "1984"?
> You mean with Winston Lister, newspeak and Room 101 instead of Stasis?
Yes and Rimmer torturing him "I could float up and be a bubble if I
wanted to, but i do not want to because Holly does not wish it. Lister,
you asked me what was in Room 101, but you always knew, everyone knows,
what is in Room 101 is the most horrible thing in the world...for some
people it's rats, or water..but for you...it's Pot Noodles, isn't it
Listy?"
"Have a heart man!"
"Tell me all about Kochanski, what did you do together? Confess now
and completely or else the pot noodle helmet will be placed on your
head."
Charles Daniels
> I tuned into Sanity FM when Charles Daniels <cdan...@calweb.com>
> wrote:
>>"Have a heart man!"
>>"Tell me all about Kochanski, what did you do together? Confess now
>>and completely or else the pot noodle helmet will be placed on your
>>head."
> "Do it to Kochanski!! Do it to Kochanski!!"
Ahahah yeah, she;s the thoughtcriminal! ;)
Jamie
>it was on that long? why did it seem about as funny as watching El
>Dorado? (no, not the JW film, the beeb series)
It was about as funny as a landmine in a paddling pool. Although there was
a rather amusing bit when a martial arts "expert" demonstrated his "one inch
punch", by trying (unsuccessfully) to break a thin piece of plywood, leading
Craig to observe: "it doesn't matter how hard you are, you can still get
bits in your eyes."
Jamie
Heidi L Sackerson
wrote:
>"Have a heart man!"
>"Tell me all about Kochanski, what did you do together? Confess now
>and completely or else the pot noodle helmet will be placed on your
>head."
"Do it to Kochanski!! Do it to Kochanski!!"
--
Heidi L Sackerson (heid...@fishnet.net)
Screw your problem, I'm talking about me!
Garth
> > wrote:
> >>"Have a heart man!"
> >>"Tell me all about Kochanski, what did you do together? Confess now
> >>and completely or else the pot noodle helmet will be placed on your
> >>head."
> > "Do it to Kochanski!! Do it to Kochanski!!"
sooo.. anyone want to join me on my love boat heading down sperm canal
into vaginal passageway? ...or so I heard my dentist once say when I'd
just got out the door.. I assumed he was talking to his assistant...I
*hoped* he was talking to his assitant...
BTW yes I would like KK.. but only if Listy didn't mind..
Garth
Icy.. haha haha ha..
sorry, but i've got be quick leaving bradford in 14 mins.
Epideme
>This stuff came out of a magazine that lasted for one issue back in
>1984. It had Russell Bell on its staff, an apparent friend of Craig
>Charles. To fill their first issue they had this nice long, somewhat
>unprofessional interview with him spread across about 8 pages, and a
>large photo of him on the front cover. Enjoy (if that's the right
>word):
I remember this coming out about 2 weeks after Craig was first banged
up. Am I mistaken? No I was on the first year of my HND (and my first
year on this newsgroup), so Craig was by my reckoning refused bail in
August/September 1994. This magazine came out later and failed to
mention this little fact. Did this bad (good?) timing mean it's
demise?
--
Lee.