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MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 17 [ 1 / 1 ]

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Joseph Nebus

Mar 16, 2023, 8:03:59 PM3/16/23

TOM: Editing rival to emacs-XTREME.


CROW: He just assumed Dewey was going to defeat Truman and now ...

> As soon as Grumpy Weasel left to chase the squirrels

JOEL: If you know what I mean.

> and mice that he had frightened away from the corncrib

TOM: Everybody run! The corn is teething!

> Fatty
> Raccoon hurried into the building through a hole in the floor

CROW: I'm fixing a hole where the racc climbs in ...

> which nobody knew but himself.

JOEL: The loneliness of the long-distance raccoon.

> Though he was a great eater

TOM: I don't know about 'great', I mean, he eats a lot but does he do anything to advance the eating *arts*?

> Fatty was also a fast
> one. And now he bolted a huge meal of corn

CROW: A cornmeal?
JOEL: No, a meal of corn.
CROW: Right, so, a cornmeal.
JOEL: No, you're not hearing me.
CROW: I need better ears.
JOEL: Ears of corn.
CROW: Cornears.
TOM: Corneas? I thought his eyes were fine?

> in only a few
> minutes. Then, smiling broadly, he left the corncrib by his
> private doorway

JOEL: Polite way of saying he fell through the floor.

> and squatted down to await Grumpy's return.

TOM: Now there's a sentence nobody's ever written before.

> In a little while Grumpy appeared.

CROW: As the prophecy foretold.

> "I hoped I'd see you again," Fatty Raccoon told him.

JOEL: Well now Grumpy just knows you're lying.

> "Did you have any luck?"

TOM: He hasn't had any luck this whole book!

> "No!" Grumpy Weasel snapped. "I was mistaken about
> your idea.

CROW: It fails to account for how the cosmological constant would have to vary in the first ten-billionths of a second after the Big Bang!

> It was a very poor one. For I've been running in a
> circle (as you suggested) till I'm dizzy;

JOEL: Well, just run in circles the opposite way until you're un-dizzy.

> and I haven't seen
> the least sign of a mouse nor a squirrel."

TOM: [ As Boris Badenov ] 'Have to get mouse and squirrel!'

> Fatty Raccoon told him to cheer up.

CROW: You can just *feel* Grumpy's withering stare through the pages like this.

> "I've another idea for you," he said.

JOEL: No time to ask questions, just put on this clown suit and this tiny doghouse over your head!
TOM: 'I've'?

> "Keep it! Keep it!" Grumpy Weasel hissed.

TOM: No, take the box!
CROW: Door number three! You always want door number three!

> "Your last
> idea only made me tired; and I haven't a capture to my credit
> to-night."

JOEL: 'I haven't a capture to my credit to-night'? Why is he talking like he's in a lesser PG Wodehouse?
TOM: Grump Among The Chickens.

> "That's because you ran too fast," Fatty explained
> glibly.

CROW: He ... ran right past the squirrels?

> "Now, if you'll be careful to run slowly, and do just
> as I tell you, I can promise that there'll be a capture,
> without fail."

TOM: Now, if you invade Persia, a great empire will be destroyed.

> Grumpy had had such bad luck in his hunting about the
> farmyard that he decided to listen, anyhow.

CROW: Yeah, has Grumpy eaten, like, ever?
JOEL: If his whole issue is 'hangry' I'm swear ...

> He told himself
> that he wouldn't take Fatty's advice unless it was much
> better than he expected.

TOM: A better plan than 'run in circles'?

> "Well---go on!" he grunted.

CROW: Go on with your merry little schemes and plans.

> "Do you see that little house near the woodshed?"

TOM: Is it little or is it far away?

> Fatty Raccoon asked him. "It has a low doorway that's always
> open, and no windows at all."

JOEL: Wait ...
CROW: Is ... is that the outhouse?

> "Yes!" said Grumpy Weasel harshly. "Of course I see
> it. I'm not blind."

TOM: You sure? Because 'blind as a weasel' sure sounds like it could be a saying.

> "Do you know who lives there?"

CROW: This *can't* be the outhouse, right?

> "I always supposed that it belonged to Johnnie
> Green," said Grumpy.

TOM: He has to house his ineffectively caught pets somewhere.

> "His father is big and lives in the big
> house, and Johnnie is little and lives in the little house."

JOEL: [ As Fatty ] 'Well, then who lives in the wide house?'
CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'The president.'
JOEL: [ As Fatty ] 'D'oh!'

> Fatty Raccoon laughed merrily.

JOEL: [ As Fatty ] 'Sorry, just thought of a hilarious corn I ate this morning.'

> "You don't know as much as I thought you did!" he
> cried.

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'Yeah, well, I know things you never thought I didn't know!'
CROW: [ As Fatty ] 'Yeah, I --- what?'

> It may be that Fatty had set out to make Grumpy angry.
> Anyhow, Grumpy's eyes burned in the darkness like two coals
> of fire.

JOEL: Uh-oh, weasel's coming up to power.

> "I'm right about that little house," he wrangled.

TOM: They throw away *way* too much trash *every* single *week*! Something is up there!

> "Nonsense!" Fatty Raccoon exclaimed. And that made
> Grumpy angrier than ever.

JOEL: [ As Fatty, walking it back ] 'Uh ... partial sense? In the right contexts?'

> "You learned that word of old Mr. Crow!" he grumbled.

CROW: Aw, I gifted 'Nonsense' to the world, anyone can have it.

> "It's his favorite expression; and I can't endure it."

TOM: Grumpy doesn't play favorites, he's an equal-opportunity non-endurer.

> "You don't need to stay here and listen to it," Fatty
> Raccoon said.

CROW: You can listen to it anywhere on my new podcast! Let me tell you the Raccoon Supper Syndication feed!

> "If you dared to you could run over to Johnnie
> Green's house (as you call it);

TOM: Stipulating for the benefit of counsel without making an admission with regard to the house-ness of Johnnie Green.

> and if you found that you
> were right about it I promise you I'd never say 'Nonsense'
> again."

JOEL: [ As Grumpy ] 'Hmm ... how close do I have to get so you promise you'll never say 'Snackage' again?'

> If Grumpy Weasel hadn't been so angry

CROW: He'd be any other character in this book.

> perhaps he
> wouldn't have been so eager to prove himself right.

TOM: Grumpy strikes me as someone happy to let other people think wrong things about him.

> While
> Fatty watched him he bounded across the farmyard

JOEL: [ As Fatty, calling ] 'It's the other way!'
CROW: [ As Grumpy, responding ] 'I knew that!'

> and stopped
> at the doorway of the tiny house.

TOM: Pardon, is the tiny of the house at home?

> And then he bounded back
> again, a great deal faster, with old dog Spot yelping behind
> him.

JOEL: The Tale of Territorial Spot.
CROW: He just doesn't want Grumpy in and seeing his stuff, you know?

> Fatty Raccoon did not wait for anything more.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] Got my rhythm, got my music, got my corn ... who could ask for anything more?
CROW: Toyota!

> He made
> for the woods at top speed, grinning as he went.

JOEL: Anytime he can run downhill ...

> The next day he pretended to be surprised to meet
> Grumpy.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Ernie? Ernie Dinkelfwat?!'

> "You must have forgotten my advice," he said.

JOEL: Always --- I mean, NEVER --- I mean, make sure you don't fail to forget --- and keeping with you --- never on your person --- even in these troubled times. Thank you.

> "I
> promised you that there would be a capture if you ran slowly.

CROW: I couldn't do the capture, it wanted me to prove I was a human.

> But it's plain that you ran too fast, or you wouldn't be
> here."

TOM: Fatty's summer abroad working as the Sphinx really paying off here.

> "Nonsense!" Grumpy Weasel shouted, flying into a
> passion at once.

JOEL: Lucky he's not flying into a passion play, it would mess up the Easter services.

> And he often wondered, afterward, what Fatty
> Raccoon found to laugh at.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Ha ha! You've fallen for my fairy logic! Now I return to the Raccoon Dimension for ninety days!'
JOEL: [ Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen you have just had *the* Fatty Raccoon Experience!
CROW: Not without cheese dip I haven't.

[ end of chapter 17 ]

Joseph Nebus
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