MiSTed: The Drake Raft Field Trip (2/8)

[Chris Mayfield]

[Continued from part 1]

>
>But like all this stuff is of no matter, really--

Mike: We believe you.

> we got in, and won us
>some scholarships too.

Tom: That meant those home correspondence classes were free!

> We could've gone, but Cliff messed up. He tried
>to have them fax us the five hundred dollar check for our books and
>stuff,

Crow: [Norm MacDonald] We needed the money for books...and some _crack._

> 'cause we needed the dough pretty b ad to pay off Columbia
>House-- they'd been sending around this third party dude to collect.

Mike: Since when did the mob start working for Columbia House?

>But anyway, the admissions people checked us out, or something, and
>threatened to prostitute us,

Crow: Fred Garvin: male prostitute.

> in a court of law, just like those ones on
>cable, Cliff said. It would've been cool if we were

Mike: Maybe I could've bunked with Lyle and Eric.

> out in California,
>'cause nobody gets convicted of anything there, ever, and they hang the
>juries instead,

Tom: What a scathing indictment of the judicial system.

> but we were livin' in lynchville USA,

Mike: North Carolina.

> Cliff said, so we
>wrote 'em the let ter they wanted saying how we were just kidding, and
>they could keep their scholarship and give it to someone who deserved
>it for real, and we weren't prostituted.

Tom: [crying] Oh Mike, they're so stupid...

>
>But what I really want to-- I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Timber.

Mike: Denser than a redwood.

>What I really want to tell you about is our whacked out secret society

Crow: The Michigan Militia.

>adventure that started back in June, right the same day when we
>graduated from the tenth grade, and Chapel Hill High let out early,

Tom: The passing student was sick that day.

>right after lunch, 'cause Travance and Jeremihah had these guns and
>stuff. Vance had pulled this nine millimeter uzi on Mr. Dehaven, our
>head principal, when Dehaven'd told him to turn down his Cop Molestor,

Mike: Ah yes, rap. This generation's rebellion against old ideas such as
melody and lyrical beauty.

>even though it wasn't Snoop-- it was their own original stuff, which's
>twenty times cooler.

Crow: Columbia House presents: Rappin Rednex!
Tom: Bigots with Attitude!
Mike: Funky Joe Bob and his Kool Klan!

> You weren't even supposed to have boxes in the
>school, but because it was the last day, people weren't hidin' 'em in
>their book bags like usual, and stickin' with the headphones up under
>your cap trick. They were sharin' the music with everyone.

Mike: Like the fellows across the hall in my old dorm. No, honestly, I
like Def Leppard at 100 dB at 3:00 a.m.

> The whole
>thing'd happened right in the commons,

Crow: Town meetings, the farmers' market, Maysie and Dan's wedding...

> during second period lunch. All
>the sophomore chicks-- the fluff chicks is what my sister and her
>friends call 'em, 'cause they're stupid, or something--

Tom: What's that about the pot and kettle again?

> they started
>freakin' and cryin', and Patty called her mom on her car phone before
>Mr. Dehaven or anyone could stop her, so they kicked us out before all
>the TV people showed up, like usual. Patty's mom is a cop.

Mike: All together...
All: She carries a badge!

> But anyways,
>it was cool 'cause we were set free as the wind

Crow: [singing] Free...as the wind...

> for the summer, and
>everything. I was, anyway, but Cliff had to do his detentions, even in
>spite of all the machine gun stuff going down--

Tom: [singing] Emancipation proclamation! Oh, Dr. Lincoln, my head needs
shrinkin'...

> Dehaven snagged him

Crow: Was it a snicker snag?

> on
>his way out the door to freedom. He had ten racked up, all 'cause of
>that same whale dissin' book.

Crow: If you get a detention for carrying around Moby Dick, what happens
if you get caught with 120 Days of Sodom?

> His tenth grade report card was going to
>be held 'til he se rved them, or until he helped a homeless person and
>wrote a report about it, but Cliff didn't know any homeless people,

Mike: What about Uncle Phil?

>well enough to bother them, anyway,

Tom: Nice to see he at least tried.

> so he was stuck serving the
>detentions on this totally immaculate day. That's a Cliff word--
>immaculate.

Crow: It means He didn't screw her.

>
>I had a gig that night at the Cat's Cradle

Mike: Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice 9.

> with the Feminine Napkin
>Holders, 'cause I was subbin' for Travis Hinton, who was going to
>Raleigh to play lead for the Three Flaming Monkey Bunns at the Ritz.

Tom: [snide] Yes, Monsieur Thrashaar, this way to the Gershwin ballroom.

>Such a beautiful early June afternoon it was , with all the leaves that
>full bright late spring green, etched against the Carolina blue sky,
>and stuff.

Mike: There's no need to deflate them. They deflate themselves.

> I was just sittin' up in a great old maple tree up on the
>front part of the college campus next to that confederate Silent Sam
>soldier statue-thing

Tom: Statue thing?
Mike: Maybe it's a Brancusi.

> which stood for all the soldiers who died for our
>country in that one historical war-- the civilized one. In my head I
>was goin' over all the songs for the gig,

Crow: Okay, we start with "Me and My Shadow," then comes the South
Pacific montage...

> and the chord progressions,
>and stuff. I couldn't remember about half of 'em, but I was pretty sure
>I'd know 'em that night when I had my Les Paul in my hand--

Crow: Hmm, I've never heard it called _that_ before.

> there were
>like three chords to choose form.

Tom: If you would like a G7, check box 3a.

> Cliff'd told me to wait for him up
>here in Quequeg's Tree, as he called it, for fifteen minutes or so,

Mike: [Timber] Damn! There went my fame!

>just on case he escaped out of his five hour detention when Mr. Dehaven
>went to go empty the morning money out of his Coke machine.

Crow: So Mr. Dehaven is the principle/janitor?

> There were
>a bunch of eighth grade skaters whizzing along the brick walkways,

Crow: Hey! What're you doing? We've got bathrooms for that!

>baggy pants and flappin' flannel and stuff, and a college girl was
>leadin' a campus tour on by.

Tom: Campus? At the high school?
Mike: In North Carolina, anything past second grade is considered post-
secondary.

> She told all the people that Silent Sam
>shot his gun off whenever a virgin walked by, but like of course he
>just stayed silent as ever. Everybody was over ten, it looked. It'd
>been awhile more than fifteen minutes,

Crow: Oooh, someone has that big hand-little hand thing down pat.

> and I was thinkin' they probably
>had Cliff in high security, as usually he'd always busted out by now.
>But I didn't mind so much, 'cause it's an awesome high, when like
>school's just let out, and you're away up in a tree,

Mike: [singing] As you can see, I'm in a tree. It's such a strange place
to be...

> just sittin' and
>watchin' some chicks grabbin' the first rays of the summer and some
>dudes tossin' an aerobe around.
>
>"Riff!"

Crow: If you insist...

> I recognized the one aerobe dude closer to me. He had on my
>jeans jacket.

Mike: It was me. It was really weird.

> It'd been missing for three weeks, ever since the Preppy
>Death show at the Cradle. "Riff!" He turned but he didn't see me, so I
>called out again. "Up here!"

Tom: Up yours!

>
>"Timber, yo, dude, what's up?"

Crow: [dumbly] Huh, huh, me!

> He strutted on up, real slow, looking
>side to side to count the people watching him walk.
>
>"Where'd you find my jacket?"

Mike: They had a sale at Goodwill.

>
>"Say what?" His Metallica hair floated on the breeze.
>
>"My jeans jacket." He just gave me this blank look.

Crow: Much like all the other characters in this book.

> "Like the one
>you're wearin'." I told him.
>
>"Yo man." He said, looking down at it like to show for sure we were
>talking about the same jacket. "This is mine."

Tom: [Riff] Like, dude, Proudhon said "Property is theft," man.

>
>"Where'd you get that Nirvana patch?"

Mike: By the cessation of my desires.

>
>"Chill , man." He looked me straight in the eye-- at least his
>sunglasses did.

Crow: [Lloyd Bridges] Eyes are ceramic; lost them flying over Korea.

> "My sister gave it to me, got the whole gig last
>Christmas." He walked right up to the tree, and kind of looked around.

Tom: Riff has yet to grasp the concept of plants.

>"Are you still in for some Brownstone tonight?"

Mike: A tenement? Just for me? Wow!

>
>"No." He was wearing my rebel flag bandanna too-- he'd pulled it from
>the inside pocket where I kept it stashed.
>
>"Change your mind?"

Tom: No, but I got it rotated.

>
>"I never was."
>
>"Why's your name on the smack list?"

Crow: I want to smack him! Where do I sign up?

>
>"'Cause you put it there."
>
>"What is up with you, dude?"

Crow: The gripping dialogue only adds to the tension.
Mike: That, and the fact we have no idea what they're talking about.

>
>I didn't say anything.

All: [don't say anything]

>
>"All I'm sayin' is it'd help you take command at tonight's show; check
>you later man. Yo."

All: [Rocky] Adriaaaaan!

>
>Riff tossed his hair, and went on back to his aerobe game, with my
>jeans jacket. I'd just snag it back at the show tonight,

Tom: Now, now, now--two wrongs don't make a right.
Mike: No, but two Wrights make a plane.
Crow: [groans]

> and then when
>he saw me with it next he'd just pretend like he'd never had it in the
>first place,

Crow: The party of the last case denies having the property of the
second case in the first place.
Mike and Tom: Huh?

> and like that'd be the end of it. He's OK, really, even
>though he's a total thief. He's the best lead guitar player around
>Chapel Hill, though--

Mike: Which is good training for his future position as Denny's busboy.

> the total best in our high school, and he
>probably would be for awhile-- he'd just finished his third try at
>eleventh grade. But he's already had both a single and a CD cut with
>the Bloody Watermelon label,

Tom: Is that owned by Barking Pumpkin?

> and he's been getting all this significant
>air-play on the Trash hour--

Crow: This is Mucho Maas at KCUF, with 60 minutes of uninterrupted crap.

> if he stays alive it's only a matter of
>time 'til he's the next Slash or something-- no kidding.

Mike: If I cared, I'd be impressed.

> We were
>opening for his band Preppy Death which was head linin' at the Cradle
>that night.

Crow: [DJ] Are you ready to rock...THE CRADLE!?!
Mike and Tom: YEAH!!!

> Though the sort of annoying thing about Riff, I have to
>say, is how he's always rippin' off everything from everyone

Tom: A leitmotif from Wagner here, and idee fix from Berlioz there--the
man's got no originality.

> 'cause he
>never has any money-- it all goes for all the flour

Crow: Riff has a heavy bread dependency.

> and heroin you've
>got to take to be good at guitar, and stuff, and amplify your stage
>presence, so they say. One night he ripped the E-string right off of my
>guitar during a break--

Mike: And the G-string off my girl at a party.

> I saw him break one on stage, and then later on
>mine was gone. He gets all the chicks too, and a lot of people have it
>in for him, 'cause he's always hitting on everyone else's chicks,

Tom: He's a Nebraska football player?
Mike: No, he's hitting _on_ them.

> which
>wouldn't be so bad except his technique's pretty good, and it usually
>works, and like he gets 'em to do these things-- things I don't like
>talking about,

Mike: Lycra?
Tom: Leather?
Crow: Gerbils?

> and stuff. Things that you only ever see in sex-ed. He
>has none of those moral things,

Mike: I had one of those, but it broke.

> or anything else. His last girl friend
>is in this mental institution thing out in California--

Crow: Isn't that redundant? See--it's California and--
Tom: Give it up, Crow.

> sex rehab or
>something. Mindy said he gets you going on this power trip, or
>something, but I can't picture how it works-- like Riff saying, "hey
>smoke this,

All: Or something.

> it'll make you as cool as me, and like let me do this,
>too." I guess girls just don't get the joke. Most likely some-one's
>goin' to beat the sh-- out of him before he O'D's, but boy, can he
>whale.

Crow: Seein' him harpoon--it's beautiful, man.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[Gypsy is at the desk with Mike]

Gypsy: Mike, could you test read my draft?

Mike: OK. What's it called?

Gypsy: The Sound of My Fury.

APRIL SEVENTH, THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT-FUTURE

Through the grate, between the curling wire spaces, I could see them
hunting. They were looking for RAMchips and I went along the grate.
"Here Gypsy." Tom said. "Shine down here." he said. I went along the
grate and shone down there.
Crow said "Why are we looking for RAMchips. There havent been any
RAMchips since Joel was around." AND JOEL SAID whoever can say one good
thing about the movie and one bad thing about the movie gets a RAMchip.
I couldnt think of anything because I had missed the movie. I began to
cry.
"There there Gypsy." said Joel and he gave me a RAMchip and I stopped
crying. "Stupid idiot." said Crow and I began to cry again and Joel said
to be nice because I run the higher functions of THE SHIP was in a box
of hamdingers. They were going to kill Joel. I cried. Then I stopped. I
had to save him.
There was a temp in Deep 13 named Mike. He called in Frank and got his
keys. Mike got access to the techtronic panel. Dr. Forrester didn't like
that. He was angry at Frank. He said "Frank I'm going to kill you." and
Frank said "SOMEWHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS BE KILLING ME" and he was gone with
Torgo and I cried.
"JEEZ, GYPSY. STOP CRYING, will you." said Crow. "You're not getting
the light in here." They were going deeper into the tunnel and I tried
to say, but they were too far and I tried to say.
I was at the grate. Tom smelled of bubblegum. He said "I DONT SEE
ANYTHING."
Joel stood back from Crow's mouth. Crow said he had a toothache. Joel
said "He's a robot. He doesn't have any teeth."
Then Tom spoke but it was different when he spoke not like the old
voice when he spoke. And I cried. Then Magic Voice spoke. And I cried
some more. Then I stopped and I could hear us all and there were lights
flashing, and something I could smell and then everything began to go in
smooth, bright shapes like it always does, even when Joel says we have
commercial sign.

[Commercials]

[Continued in part 3]