MiSTed: Ratliff's "Time Speeder" (4/4)

[Mike Barklage]

-- CONTINUED FROM PART 3 --

6... 5... 4... 3... 2.. *...

[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]

MIKE: I think that's enough writing for today.
CROW: <muttering> Nobody understands my art...

> Chapter Eight
>
> The Press Conference was about to start, Marrissa had been given
> a great seat in the Rose Garden beside Chelsea.

MIKE: <stands up and looks around theater> Oh, Mister Princip?
Mister Oswald? Mister McVeigh? That's your cue....

> All the major networks
> were there, even Warner and UPN had managed to find people to cover the
> event for their affiliates.

TOM: <Jonathan Frakes> Tonight on "The Paranormal Borderline": ancient
numerological formulas used in the construction of the White House.

> President William Jefferson Clinton emerged
> from the White House.

CROW: <singing> Hail to the chief, he's a fatty side of beef...

> The setting was perfect.

MIKE: Clinton had his orange clown shoes on, and the Secret Service had
arranged for Washington's 19 sleaziest hookers to act as the
Presidential entourage.

> The podium had been
> located so the full moon had come up behind him

TOM: Someone get Bob Dole down from there, and give him some pants!

> and the stars were out.

CROW: My god, the podium is full of stars!

> The Presidential dais was lit just enough for the president to be

MIKE: ...all sparkly and fabulous in his rhinestone-encrusted leather cape.

> easily
> seen and the Press had been prohibited from bringing any lights to ruin
> it.

TOM: And no lights, of course, means no cameras, which means no TV coverage
and no point for this whole stupid press conference.
CROW: Ratliff really *doesn't* have any idea how the real world works,
does he?

> The Press Secretary having lost his voice, much to the Press's
> amusement,

MIKE: Laryngitis! Ha ha! That cracks me up every time!

> Chelsea went to the microphone to introduce her father.

TOM: <Chelsea> Okay. Dad, this is my friend the microphone. Microphone,
this is my dad.

> As the band begin hail to the chief

CROW: The band is hailing Robert Parish?

> she said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the
> President of the United States." Surrendering the podium to her father
> she sat back down next to Marrissa.

MIKE: I'm sure that the Secret Service is just sooo pleased to have a perfect
stranger that close to the President...

> "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press, and people of the United
> States,"

TOM: <Martin Lawrence> WHASSUP?!?!

> Clinton began. "We are gathered here today to

CROW: ...witness the joining of these two in holy matrimony.

> discuss America
> in Space,

MIKE: Pork... in... spaaaaace!

> while our good friends on the hill, Senators Kennedy, Warner,
> Robb, and Braun prevent us from leaving space.

TOM: That could've been phrased better.
CROW: Hey, it's the Four Stooges!
MIKE: <Curly> Hey Moe! What're we doing today?
TOM: <Kennedy> Er-ah, we-ah going to the-ah bah, Curly...

> However in order to be
> effective in space, we need goals.

MIKE: And we won't score goals until we get a high-powered forward.

> Over thirty years ago my predecessor,
> John F. Kennedy

CROW: JFK was the President before Clinton?
TOM: Well, I'm sure we'd all like for the Reagan-Bush era to never have
happened, but I'm not sure that wishing will make it so...

> did just that when he inspired the world with his we
> chose to go to the moon speech.

MIKE: And today, I will inspire no one with a pointless, rambling speech.

> "I however have more permanent goals for us in mind. They are
> as follows; We must establish before the end of the century a permanent
> base on our moon.

TOM: <looking around> What's that I hear?
CROW: Oh, that's all the NASA engineers laughing their butts off.

> In addition a fleet of manned space vessels must be
> build to continue our exploration. We must not only be willing to go
> where no one has gone before, but to stay their as well.

MIKE: And the cost of all this is only 40 quadrillion dollars! A bargain at
twice the price!

> "You ask what good does this do for those at home?

TOM: You do? Really? Um... I'll get back to you.

> There are
> many advantages to our continued presence in space and many benefits to
> it's expansion.

CROW: Yeah, remember Tang? I can't stress that enough!

> It will create jobs in many industries who produce
> materials needed in space in addition to those who work in space. It
> will and has been a focus for our sciences to discover more about the
> solar system we live in. It will also provide inspiration for our
> young, to inspire them to reach for the stars.

MIKE: <Casey Kasem> ...and keep their feet on the ground!

> "However some in congress,

TOM: And lonely people too.

> and in the nation, wish to cut off
> this source of jobs, knowledge and inspiration.

CROW: You mean the schools?

> This must not happen.
> I believe such a move would hurt our nation hard, perhaps beyond
> recovery.

MIKE: How does one get "hurt hard?"
TOM: I don't know, but I think I'd like to do it to Ratliff.

> "We must reach for the stars,

CROW: Even if some of us are in the gutter.

> for if we don't we will end up
> buried under the Earth like the dinosaurs before us.

TOM: So Clinton's saying that if we don't go into space we're going to be
turned into oil?
MIKE: Or be dug up by Sam Neill....

> Humanity, dispute our faults, deserves more.

CROW: Oh, I don't know about that.
MIKE: HEY!
TOM: Face it, Mike -- Crow's right.
GYPSY: <from off-stage> Yeah!
MIKE: I'm completely alone, aren't I?
TOM: Yup.

> We must reach for the stars, for in the
> stars lies knowledge; for in the stars lies inspiration; for in the
> stars lies our future.

TOM: ...for in the stars lies a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear
furnace.

> "It is a future we can not afford to waste, it is a future we
> can not afford to delay.

CROW: It is a future we cannot afford.

> It is time for us to start living by that
> sentence at the beginning of the popular show Star Trek,

MIKE: You mean the one that goes, "Captain's Log, Stardate?"

> to seek out new
> life, new civilizations,

TOM: ...and exploit them without mercy. We're Americans, after all.

> to boldly go were no one has gone before.

CROW: He's quoting from a TV show? That doesn't seem like a good way to
build political credibility.
TOM: Hey, it worked for Reagan!

> For where no one has gone is were we need to go.

MIKE: <snicker> Maybe he really *did* write this himself.
CROW: That sounds like the motto of the Atlanta sewer department.

> The president concluded his remarks

TOM: ...by hitting on every one of the female reporters.

> with, "Remember, space is
> our future, to deny that future is to deny ourselves existence.

CROW: I don't see a downside to this.

> Therefore we must reach for our future, for it is time for America to
> reach for the stars, for in the stars lies our future."

MIKE: <Criswell> And remember, my friends, future events such as these will
affect *you* in the future!
TOM: Eh. It's still better than Bill Pullman's speech in "Independence Day."

> As he finished he looked up expectantly,

CROW: ...and found the room completely empty.
TOM: <cricket chirps>

> The press after a
> beautiful silence

MIKE: I'm with you on *that*.

> began shouting,

TOM: "Get off the podium, you crook!"

> "Mister President!," and "Mister
> President what about ..."

CROW: ...and, "Mister President, what the *hell* were you talking about?"

> "One at a time, we will start with the
> man from UPN,

MIKE: Napoleon Solo?

> but before he asks his question I want to know

TOM: What on earth compelled his network to broadcast "Voyager?"

> how he got
> suckered into becoming a reporter," Clinton said. "Your suppose to be
> an actor, Robert."

CROW: "Your suppose" to be a writer, Ratliff, but that doesn't stop you from
mangling the language.

> "I know, but apparently UPN needed a news division in a hurry

MIKE: Just to cover this stupid press conference? Who cares?

> so, I got the call and ran from the Star Trek Convention," Robert McNeil
> said.

TOM: Good idea! If I ever found myself at a Star Trek convention, I'd run
like hell, too!

> "They figured that after answering all those fans I should be
> able to ask some questions.

CROW: So a regular role on Trek and con appearances is enough preparation
for a career as a reporter. Okay.
TOM: <sigh>
MIKE: Do you think Steve-o is happy in his own little world?

> UPN news is almost all Voyager staff today,
> Kate Mulgrew is anchoring it from the ready room set.

ALL: <snicker>
MIKE: UPN must be *designed* to lose money - a tax dodge, maybe?

> My question is
> how are you going to implement these goals?"

CROW: <Clinton> A very good question. Next?

> "Are you sure you're an actor," Clinton replied.

TOM: I've wondered that myself.

> "Senators
> Warner, Robb, Kennedy, and Braun have agreed to co-sponsor a bill making
> a more fleshed out version of the goals stated in my speech.

MIKE: That still doesn't explain how you're going to pay for it.

> If I find
> one senator who votes against it I will ... well lets just say that it
> won't be pleasant.

CROW: I'll harrrm youuu...
TOM: Like *that's* gonna scare a Republican.
MIKE: Well, Clinton might decide to endorse that Senator.

> Tom Brocaw, NBC News."

CROW: <British accent> That's Brocaw with a 'c', the well-known Dutch anchor
for the Netherlands Broadcasting Company.

> "What will become of Senators Warner's, Robb's, Kennedy's, and
> Braun's filibuster," Brocaw asked.

MIKE: The voice of the people *will* be known, and all four *will* be voted
out of office, and end up on M Street holding signs that read "Will
filibuster for food."

> "The Senators will end their filibuster when

TOM: ...someone waves money in their direction.

> 51 or more Senators
> publicly announce their support for NASA," Clinton said.

CROW: In other words, about a year and a half from now.

> "Or so Senator Kennedy said.

MIKE: ...in between chugs of Corona.

> Connie Chung, ABC News."
> And so the conference went ...

TOM: On and on, speeches without end, amen.

>
> Chapter Nine
>
> Captain's Log
> August 3, 1996
> Lieutenant Marrissa Picard recording

CROW: <Shabba Ranks> Check one, mi check microphone checker...

> The vote to cancel the funding of NASA failed today by the
> narrowest of margins. However, the votes against were all cast at the
> end of the balloting, after the 51 votes necessary to guarantee it's
> failure were recorded.

TOM: ...thereby making the voting completely suspenseless.
MIKE: What else did you expect from a Ratliff fanfic?

> It is my belief that those votes against NASA
> was what lead to those senators losing re-election in 1998 and 2000.

CROW: Let's see. Senators vote to cut expenditures on a bloated, corrupt, and
wasteful program... and the people vote them *out* of office?
MIKE: It's Ratliff's world, Crow; his sky is green, his sun is purple, and
the electorate are complete poltroons.

> In other news, I we believe we have found were the time
> travelers from the Essex are hiding to await the Eagle's return.

TOM: From Essex? They're from Marrissa's planet?
MIKE: Maybe this was all a convoluted scheme to erase Marrissa's existence
from history and spare themselves having her become Queen.
CROW: Convoluted or no, I can see why they might try it.

> I believe that they checked into the Quality Inn, Capital Hill, under the
> names James T. Kirk, and Jean-Luc Picard.

TOM: The hotel staff, of course, had *no idea* these were aliases...
MIKE: This Quality Inn is staffed by the only five people on the planet
who've never heard of Star Trek.

> My opinion concerning the two
> is based on the fact we have traced the signal of a subspace transceiver
> originating in their room.

CROW: <snicker> Well, that would make it rather obvious, I guess.

> I'm afraid 'Jean-Luc Picard' is about to
> visit his daughter.

MIKE: Is that some sort of Czaplinski-esque code phrase?
CROW: Oh, you mean like "draining the lizard?"
TOM: "Taking the old boy out for a walk?"
CROW: "Going to see a man about a horse?"
TOM: "Shaking hands with the legend?"
MIKE: Enough, guys - I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in the Shakopee
high school locker room.

> Getting them onboard should be easy, President Clinton has had
> his Attorney General issue warrants for their arrests for bribing a
> member of Congress.

CROW: That's a crime?
MIKE: If it were, we'd have 493 congressmen awaiting trial...

> (You really shouldn't pass money to a Senator in
> front of a C-Span camera.)

TOM: You should do it somewhere private, and via check or computer, the way
everyone else in Washington does it.

> My security team has been empowered to serve
> those warrants

MIKE: Man, all this loose procedure is enough to make me join the Freemen.

> with the understanding that they will be tried for the
> charge when we return to the 24th century, although such a charge is the
> least of their worries.

CROW: That speeding ticket, though... <whistle>
TOM: Starfleet's deepest dungeons are reserved for traffic offenders.

>
> Lieutenant Ross Lochard was readying his away team.

CROW: <prissy> Come on, girls, let's give them a makeover they wouldn't
believe!

> "Remember
> gentlemen, our job is to apprehend the suspects and return them to the
> Stargazer," he began. "We must avoid all potential of temporal
> interference.

MIKE: So no leaving behind those Starfleet beer bottles like last time.

> We will be beaming down a block away behind a trash bin.

TOM: In it, you'll find a copy of this fanfic.

> Upon our capture of the suspect, we will get in a van which the
> President is providing and be beamed up.

CROW: Upon our capture by the local constabulary, kooky humor will begin.

> Any questions?"

TOM: If it's Clinton's van, will there be any weed stashed in the glove
compartment?
CROW: What do we do if someone says "Hello, sailor"?
MIKE: What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

> As no questions were evident, Ross and his six security men, all
> that were aboard at the time were beamed down. They materialized behind
> the dumpster beside a building on New Jersey Avenue.

TOM: Oh, the fittingness of it all!

> The security team
> in their FBI uniforms

CROW: <narrator> ...cut a stylish path as they stride down the runaway; take
a look at Jacques in a double-breasted worsted from Anton's of London.
Then, feast your eyes on Raoul, in a *very* nice sleeveless kevlar
vest - new this season from Yukio's of Paris!

> proceeded orderly to the Quality Inn, Capital
> Hill. At the Desk in the lobby, Ross asked, "Lieutenant Ross Lochard,
> FBI, I was wondering if misters James T. Kirk, and Jean-Luc Picard are
> in?"

MIKE: <manager> Sure, they *were* gonna leave, but a feeble plot device kept
them here.

> "Mister Picard just picked up his mail, I believe Mister Kirk
> was with him," the manager replied.

TOM: *Mail*?! Time traveling criminals from the 24th century, and they're
getting *mail*?!
CROW: Those Publisher's Clearinghouse people are *very* thorough.

> "Is he in some sort of trouble?"

MIKE: <manager> I just assumed they were doing some kind of weird sex-shul
things to each other, what with the pseudonyms and hotel room and all...

> "Actually, yes," Ross replied. "I'm here to arrest them for
> bribing a congressman.

TOM: <Ross> And, by the way, I'm not a stranger from the 24th century with
a fake ID.

> Could you take me to their room?"

CROW: <manager> On a first date? What kind of man do you think I am?

> "Room 104 is this way gentlemen," the manager said.
> They approached the room and knocked on the door, "Open up,
> FBI." Ross said.

MIKE: <quietly> Psst-- sir, *we're* the FBI.

> The door opened. Lyam Sympton was sitting on the bed.

TOM: Naked, except for a leather bikini.

> His companion, had opened the door and backed up to lean against the
> wall.

CROW: He's assuming the position already?
TOM: Does that mean he's--
MIKE: Tom... just don't, okay?

> "Misters Kirk and Picard I presume?"

CROW: Does that make Ross Mr. Stanley?

> "That's our names, don't wear them out," Lyam, also known as
> Picard, said.

ALL: <pause>
TOM: Okay, I don't like him anymore.
MIKE: Now I *hope* he's caught. He deserves to be arrested just for
*thinking* of using that line.
TOM: Arrested? He deserves the *Chair*!
CROW: <growling> Die... die... you must die...

> "You both are under arrest for bribing a member of congress,"
> Ross began,

TOM: Oh, like *that* will ever happen.
MIKE: Well, this *is* a work of science fiction.
TOM: More like fantasy -- science fiction usually has some basis in reality.

> "You have a right to remain silent, anything you say, can
> and will be used against you. You have a right to an attorney, if you
> can not afford one, one will be provided for you ..."
> After finishing the reading of the prisoner's rights,

CROW: Either Ratliff is saving space and quickening the pace of the fanfic...
TOM: Unlikely.
CROW: ...or he doesn't know the rest of the words.
TOM: Highly probable.

> Ross and
> his team brought the two handcuffed prisoners to the van parked outside.

MIKE: COPS in Starfleet.
TOM: <singing> Bad boys, bad boys...

> The five other security officers crowded into the back of the 10 person
> van and Ross joined the driver in the front.

CROW: <Scandahoovian> Now, I don't want you kids complaining about anything.
I gave you a chance to go and you wouldn't take it. Now, your father
and I are going to drive -- why don't you put your headphones on and
listen to some of that grunge rock that you like so much, and we'll be
at your grandmother's before you know it.

> Lyam's companion said as the van began moving, "I can't believe
> we got caught."

TOM: Maybe you should have picked less-obvious pseudonyms.
MIKE: And a less-stupid plan for destroying Starfleet. After all, you only
talked to half of Congress under false pretenses.

> "At least it's not Starfleet," Lyam said.

CROW: Nobody expects the Starfleet Inquisition!

> "Don't be so sure 'Mister Picard,'" Ross said.

TOM: <Ross> I get to be smug again!

> "You are about to
> be beamed aboard the Stargazer to meet your 'daughter.'"

MIKE: Oh, *that's* why Marrissa wanted to capture him -- he's a deadbeat dad!

> "Ross, I hate to inform you but there's been a change of plans,"
> the driver, Wesley Crusher said as the van turned down Constitution
> Avenue.
> "What changed?" Ross asked.

CROW: Instead of the FBI, we're supposed to by the Publisher's Clearing House
Prize Patrol.

> "Marrissa thinks we need to cover our tracks more," Wesley said.

TOM: She's going to vaporize Washington from orbit. It's the only way
to be sure.

> "So President Clinton just donated this van to Starfleet."

MIKE: You need to cover your tracks more, so you're going to make a piece of
government property disappear? I know the GAO is sloppy, but still...

> "How?"
> As Wes turned entered the Theodore Roosevelt Bridge, he
> explained, "We are about to go over board."

TOM: Oh, okay... HUH?!

> The van speeded up and shot
> though a gap in the rail, (removed for repair earlier in the mourning.

MIKE: "Mourning?" They're dead!
ALL: <cheer>

> The van fell into the Potomac. It began sinking.

ALL: Woo! USA! USA!
CROW: Vindication, at last!

> Fortunately the
> inside was waterproof

TOM: But if we're lucky, not watertight.

> and when they landed on the bottom of the river,
> one of the Stargazer's cargo transporters engaged and brought the whole
> van aboard.

ALL: D'oh!
CROW: RATLIFF, YOU BASTARD, I'LL SEE YOU HANG FOR THIS!

> When they had fully materialized, they discovered that Marrissa
> was waiting for them.

MIKE: <airport announcer> We have smug, self-righteous Marrissa speech #3
cleared for landing on runway 6.

> "Lyam Sympton or should I call you father?" she began.

TOM: <Lyam> You can't prove that! I want a DNA test!

> "As a representative of Starfleet, which is charged with
> preventing temporal violations, I am hereby charging you with such a
> violation. In addition, you are charged with stealing a Starfleet
> vessel and if you are the Captain of that vessel a speeding ticket has
> also been issued.

MIKE: <airport announcer> Uh, yeah, Tower, that's a copy, Marrissa has landed
with full ego deploy on runway 6, ETA to swelled head is 30 seconds.

> "Who are you to charge me?" Lyam asked. "You are just a little
> girl."

CROW: It's official. *Every* Ratliff villain has said this line.

> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Amber Picard, acting Captain
> of the USS Stargazer," Marrissa said.

ALL: <dully reciting> ...Princess, heir to the throne of Essex, commander of
the Kids' Crew...

> "Lieutenant, take them to the
> brig and report to the bridge."

MIKE: <airport announcer> Tower, this is the landing crew, Marrissa's head
has now swelled to full capacity and mouth is running at 100%.

>
> When Lieutenant Lochard arrived on the bridge of the Stargazer,
> he noticed his wife was missing.

TOM: <singing> One of our Starfleet wives, is missing... we think she ran
aground to avoid Marrissa...

> Marrissa sat at her station. "Where's Kathy?" he asked.

CROW: She's looking for Waldo.

> "She has the lower warp pair, or as I call it the Gazer,"
> Marrissa said.

MIKE: How very hip of you.

> "I intend to surround the Eagle and board it.

TOM: Is it possible to surround something with two objects?
CROW: Only if the two objects are Rush Limbaugh and Roseanne.

> As you can see, I've got the helm.

MIKE: No, that was Dean Martin.

> So sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. And while your at it,
> open a channel to the Eagle."
> "Channel open," Ross replied. "No response."

TOM: <Marrissa> I get no response from more men... why don't they see how
wonderful I am?

> As the Stargazer
> closed on the Eagle in Jupiter orbit, the upper warp pair, Star, could
> be seen diligently blocking the Eagle's attempts to leave orbit. The
> Gazer, the other warp pair was closing from behind.

TOM: <hums "Jaws" theme>
CROW: So one warp pair, the "Star," and the other warp pair, the "Gazer,"
have detached from the ship. What does that leave?
MIKE: An engineless disk called the " ".

> "Message to warp pairs, code Beethoven one," Marrissa said.

MIKE: Ah, the popular "slobber" stratagem.

> "Engage tractors when the lights go on."
> "Message sent," Ross said. "Lights go on?"'

TOM: <Ross> Duhhh... lights go on, lights go off.

> "You haven't notice?" Marrissa replied. "I turned off the
> running lights after the Gazer left."
> "Commander, that's a volition of regulations," Ross replied.

CROW: Not to mention silly and pointless.
MIKE: Well, see, in space nobody knows you're there if you don't have your
lights on. That's how the Romulan cloaking device works -- they just
turn off their lights.
TOM: <Chief Wiggum> Oooooh... ghost ship... valley's full of them.

> "It would be if it weren't for subsection 8 of Regulation 103,"
> Marrissa said.

MIKE: That subsection reads, "Marrissa Picard can do whatever the heck
she wants."

> "I recommend reading regulations to get to sleep.

TOM: I recommend reading Ratliff stories to cause brain hemmorages.

> Hail them again Ross."

CROW: <Ross, muttering> How I loathe you....

>
> From the Bridge of the Eagle, Boris watched the two craft
> blocking his ship. The helmsman was struggling futility to escape.

MIKE: Boy, don't you hate it when you meet someone in a hall, and you move to
the same side they do, and you both move to the other side, and you
can't get around each other?

> Then the navigator announced. "I'm detecting a third craft, bearing 87
> mark 310 distance 12 hundred meters."

TOM: It got to within 1200 meters before you detected it? What are you
using for radar, equipment you cobbled from a game of Pong??

> "On screen," Boris asked. A darkened craft was seen.

CROW: Look, you guys, it's Supercar!
ALL: <sing "Supercar" theme>

> Suddenly
> the ship lit up, it's registry and name clearly visible.

MIKE: <Boris> The SS... Petticoat Junction? Where do I know that name from?

> USS Stargazer,
> NCC-2893, United Federation of Planets, her markings proudly said.

TOM: Below them was a bumper sticker reading, "Ask me about the Picard
Maneuver".

> Her hull was a bright white with the a massive shuttlebay door facing
> forward.

CROW: Hey, that's no way to talk about Marrissa!

> Before Boris had the time to take in the beauty of the new
> ship,

MIKE: Duh... ship shiny...

> the Eagle shook

TOM: Where Eagles Shimmy!

> as the warp pair crafts took hold of the
> Constitution Class vessel.
> "The Stargazer is hailing us again," the communications person
> said.
> "I guess we better see what they have to say," Boris
> capitulated.

CROW: I'll bet you a hundred RAM chips that Ratliff doesn't know what
"capitulated" means, and he just used his Word 6.0 thesaurus.

>
> "They are responding," Ross said.

MIKE: Oh, *my*, are they responding!

> "On screen," Marrissa ordered. The Russian Boris appeared on
> screen in the command chair of the constitution class starship Eagle.

TOM: The Irish Boris sat at the helm, and the Thai Boris at Conn.

> The week he had spent in command, trapped in the Jovian system had
> marked him.

CROW: ...on the hand, so that he could get back into the Jovian Club without
paying admission again.

> His eyes were bloodshot and his face drawn.

MIKE: He's not bad. He's just drawn that way.

> Marrissa wondered how she would react in such a situation,

TOM: What, being a bad guy in a Ratliff fanfic? Being forced to make lousy
decisions and being defeated by flimsy plot devices?

> but Marrissa had no plans to find out.

CROW: Ratliff, I beg of you -- make Marrissa find out how she'd react to
being shot by a phaser set to kill. Please.

> "Eagle, this is the Starfleet vessel Stargazer, I am

MIKE: ...the walrus, koo koo kachoo.

> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, acting Captain. I'm afraid I'm
> going to have to ask you to surrender your vessel to my officers and
> permit yourselves to be confined while we return to our correct time."

TOM: Truth in advertising should force Ratliff to bill this as
"0% Pure Adrenalin."

> "Are these other vessels under your command as well?" Boris
> asked, tiredly.

CROW: <Marrissa> Yes, of course they are -- I'm in command of the entire
Starfleet. Well, not quite yet, but I'm about to be. And then I'm
going to be elected Queen of Starfleet, and then I'll take over the
Klingon empire once Gowron sees how cool I am, and then we'll go wipe
out those stinky Cardassians and those poopy Dominion people, and I'll
be Queen of the Universe!
MIKE: Crow, you just outlined the plots of the next five Marrissa stories.
CROW: D'oh!

> "Yes, the other vessels are, in fact you might say they are a
> part of my ship," Marrissa said.

TOM: You might also say this fanfic sucks and Ratliff should be strapped to
the Tree of Despair and have his liver picked out by vultures and...

> "Stand by for boarding. Stargazer
> out. Commander Picard to Admiral Scott."
> "Scotty here, lassie."

MIKE: <Marrissa> Admiral Scott, please take that bottle of Manishewitz out of
your mouth when you're speaking to me.

> "Admiral, how would you like to command a Constitution class
> starship again," Marrissa inquired.

CROW: <Scotty> I never commanded one, ye little twerp!

> "I'm rather short on command staff."

TOM: Not to mention intelligence, patience, mercy, or human warmth.
MIKE: <Marrissa> I don't understand it... people seem almost reluctant to
work under me.

> "As long as it's not permanent, lassie," Scotty said.

CROW: Scotty's been burned by home body waves before.

> "I'd enjoy seeing if I can get one back in shape."

TOM: "In shape," of course, being a phrase that Scotty's never been that
familiar with.

> "Then, pick some crew and take the Eagle for me," Marrissa said.
> "Lieutenant Crusher has the equations for your return to the correct
> time.

MIKE: <Scotty> Wesley did the equations? We're doomed...

> I'll be following as soon as I can dock the warp pair crafts.
> Picard out. Marrissa, to Wesley."

CROW: <irritated> What?

> "Lieutenant Crusher, how may I help you Princess?"
> "Don't call me Princess brother,

TOM: <Wes> Can I call you Earl Daddy?

> and tell me that you have those
> equations ready?" Marrissa inquired.

MIKE: <Marrissa> Don't call me a monarch, but obey my every command.

> "I have them ready, Duchess," Wes replied.

CROW: <weak laughter, then...> Kill him!
TOM: Kill *me*...

> "Don't call me that either," Marrissa stated.

MIKE: <Marrissa> In fact, don't call me at all.

> "My chief
> engineer just left for the Eagle

TOM: ...in return for two linebackers to be named later.

> so I need someone at Engineering on our
> return flight. Get up here, Sir Wesley."

CROW: As... you... wish...!

> "Aye, Aye, Risa, Lieutenant Crusher out."

TOM: Risa? The Nookie Planet? Where?

> "Sometimes, I think brothers are more trouble than their worth,"
> Marrissa muttered.

MIKE: I *knew* I'd encountered this unique brand of comedic wit before.
Ratliff writes for "Blossom," doesn't he?

> Then she grinned.

CROW: <Marrissa> But they're so tasty!

> "But Wesley has no idea what he's up against."

TOM: <Joker> Wait'll they get a load of *me*!

> "I do, and I pity the poor Lieutenant," Ross said. "Would you
> care for some strawberry juice, Commander."

MIKE: <Ross> Uh, pay no mind to that almond smell...

> "Ross, I'm absolutely shocked," Marrissa responded.

CROW: <Claude Rains> Shocked, do you hear, to find gambling on these premises!

> "You actual
> want me to inflict one of my jokes on the Lieutenant? After all the
> trouble mine have caused you during drills."
> "Better him than me," Ross replied.

TOM: Gotta love that Starfleet spirit.
CROW: That about sums up my feelings for any disfiguring disease Ratliff
should ever suffer from.

> "Ross, you are senior staff now," Marrissa said. "Have you ever
> seen me bother senior staff?"

MIKE: Only those that realize children shouldn't be Starfleet officers.

> "No, but, your not on the Enterprise now," Ross said.

CROW: Quintessential Shatner punctuation there...
TOM: No! But! You're... not on the! Enterprise! Now!

> "I'm not
> sure what you will do outside of your natural environment."

MIKE: So toss her out the airlock and let's find out.

> "Ross, my natural environment is a starship," Marrissa said.

TOM: An exploding one.

> "As long as I'm within reach of Command of one, I'm home."

CROW: <Marrissa> My natural environment is commanding others! KNEEL BEFORE
ME, SON OF JOR-EL!

>
> Epilogue

ALL: Thank God!

>
> Captain's Log
> Deep Space Nine
> STARDATE 51375.32
> Captain Benjamin Sisko recording

MIKE: Oh, good, Ratliff - why don't you drag in Janeway and the Voyager
while you're at it?
TOM: Shh! Don't give him any ideas.

> The USS Stargazer is due to arrive later this morning.

CROW: ...by scheduled C-section.

> Her
> second officer, Lieutenant Marrissa Picard, has informed me to expect a
> surprise.

TOM: <Sisko> As such, I've beefed up station security and given them orders
to be on the lookout for plot contrivances.

> Not that I didn't all ready expect one, as Marrissa Picard
> has long been know to provide Starfleet with surprises.

MIKE: <Sisko> All series regulars are currently hiding underneath their beds.
And I don't mind telling you, I wet 'em.

> The Stargazer will be taking on Cardassian crewmembers and her
> Captain, T'Gwen Washington here in preparation for their mission in the
> Demilitarized Zone.

CROW: Marrissa's going to Vietnam?
TOM: We can only hope!

> It is hoped that the new fighter carrier class
> based on the Constellation space frame, the Stargazer class will fill a
> void in the Federation fleet.

MIKE: What about the bigger void -- the one in the show's writing talent?

> I look forward to finding out how the
> Stargazer does against the more experience Marqui fighters.

TOM: Our Monte Carlos should dust those Fords good!

> Their logs
> should be most interesting.

ALL: EWWWWW!!!

> Admiral Scott is due in later this week to pick up the Victory,
> which will be undergoing a refit for the next 18 months.

CROW: Would it be in bad taste to suggest that Admiral Scott undergo a refit?
MIKE: No.

> Captain
> Zimbata will be temporary taking command of the Miranda until the refit
> is complete.

TOM: He's not happy about having to wear the fruit headpiece, but such
is life.

>
> "Captain, two starships are approaching from Federation space,"
> Major Kira announced.

MIKE: Captain, we're being dragged into this fanfic at the last second!

> "Two? Benjamin, we are only expecting the Stargazer," Lieutenant
> Dax responded.
> "I know, but Lieutenant Commander Picard said to expect a
> surprise," Sisko said. "Identify the vessels, Dax."

CROW: Hmmm... A 1970 Dodge Torino, lime green?

> "It's the Stargazer and, this can't be right," Dax said puzzled.

TOM: <Sisko> Never heard of that ship before.

> "The second ship is constitution class, the USS Eagle NCC-956."
> "Hail the Stargazer, I want to know where she dragged this up,"
> Sisko ordered.

MIKE: Where does she pick these guys up? I need to have a talk with her.

> "The Stargazer is responding," Major Kira said.
> "On Screen," Sisko ordered.
> Marrissa appeared on the main viewscreen, she began,

CROW: <Marrissa> Eek! Have you no decency?

> "USS
> Stargazer, Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard in command, how may I
> help you?"

ALL: BY SHUTTING UP!

> "Commander, where did you pick up that old ship beside you,"
> Sisko asked, getting straight to the point.

TOM: Hey, be nice to Scotty.

> "A couple dozen Starfleet haters stold it from the Zed-15 depot
> yard," Marrissa said.

MIKE: Which leaves only another 3 million of us left.

> "They had an interesting idea concerning what to
> do with it, but unfortunately I can't tell you about it except for in
> person.

CROW: <Marrissa> Because it involved a jackhammer and one of my naughty bits.

> Needless to say we recaptured it and brought it here. I've
> been discussing with Admiral Necheyev what to do with it,

TOM: And the Admiral said, "My what?"

> and she's
> decided that to let you do whatever you want with it."
> "Just what I need another starship, this one older than anyone
> in Starfleet," Sisko stated.

MIKE: Ho hum, the excesses of power.

> "I wouldn't let Admiral Scott here you say that," Marrissa said.

CROW: Oh, what's he gonna do - throw an empty bottle of Thunderbird at me?

> "Or maybe I would as it's twenty years younger than him."

TOM: Marrissa, honey, the Rosetta Stone is twenty years younger than Doohan.

> "Admiral Scott's on board?" Sisko said.

MIKE: Yeah - all 350 pounds of him.
TOM: <Dangerfield> I won't say Doohan is fat, but when he flies near a
black hole *he* draws the black hole into *his* gravity field!

> "I wasn't expecting him
> for another week."
> "He heard I was going his way," Marrissa said.

CROW: Well, that answers Lenny Kravitz's question.

>"I believe I'm
> going to need to know were to dock."

MIKE: I'm sure he'd be glad to tell you where to go, honey, but I don't
think docking is what he'd have in mind.

> "Tell the Eagle to take upper pylon one," Sisko ordered.

TOM: Next on Monty Pylon's Flying Circus, a fanfic writer with three buttocks.

> "The
> Stargazer has lower pylon two as scheduled. You've got quite a lot of
> officers wanting to board."

CROW: They're expecting a warrant any minute now.

> "About those officers," Marrissa began. "Tell the fighter
> pilots

MIKE: ...that never have so few done so much in a crappy fanfic.

> to keep their station quarters until further notice. I need to
> evaluate them

TOM: <Marrissa> I need to see whether they pass the male pencil test.

> before they can be placed in a wing and quarters will be
> given out by wing to promote unity among them."

CROW: <singing Latifah-style> U-N-I-T-Y!

> "I'll pass your message along," Sisko said. "Captain Washington
> would like to see you aboard the Miranda as soon as you arrive."

MIKE: Be careful, she brought her belt.

> "Thank you Captain, Stargazer out."
> "That girl has certainly grown up," Dax commented.
> "We've met her before?" Kira inquired.

TOM: Now, *that* is unrealistic.
CROW: Yeah - people only *wish* they could forget Marrissa.

> "She was the girl who had that Galor class warship engraved 'I
> was beaten by a bunch of kids, twice'" Dax replied.
> "That girl," Kira realized.

MIKE: With Marlo Thomas played by Nana Visitor.

> "She sounds like a kind of
> Commander I wouldn't mind serving under."

TOM: <Sisko, in background> I heard that!

> "Don't give Starfleet any ideas, Major," Captain Sisko said.

CROW: That would give Starfleet a grand total of one.

> "Three years ago that girl wasn't even in Starfleet. She has every
> Captain in the fleet looking over their shoulder."

MIKE: Living in constant fear of the next white-hot blast from Marrissa's
phaser.

> "She can only replace one of you, Captain," Major Kira said.
> "But we don't know which one," Sisko said. "And that has us
> worried."

TOM: <Sisko> She could be anywhere... plotting... scheming...

>
> Marrissa's Personal Log
> STARDATE 51375.5
> Presently Second Officer aboard the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893

CROW: <Marrissa> At least until my ninjas arrive. <evil laugh>

> After the Stargazer docked at Deep Space Nine, my brother
> resigned from Starfleet again, as expected.

MIKE: <sigh> He'll never amount to anything. Well, it's about time to pick
him up from detox.

> I was curious about his
> comment that the Traveler said he and Chelsea Clinton would get together
> again.

TOM: Geez, what is *with* Chelsea? Who did she hack off, to deserve *that*?
CROW: Poor thing... I hope Amy Carter slips her a cyanide capsule or
something...

> So I researched this daughter of the 42nd President and found
> that she became the first and only Captain of the first manned planetary
> exploration craft Stargazer. After successfully completing a half a
> dozen missions, the Stargazer disappeared in 2015 with all hands while
> orbiting Saturn.

TOM: <jock> Huh huh, I bet they were checking out the Klingons around
Uranus, huh huh, wooo, huh huh.

> No traces of her were ever found.

MIKE: After she heard she was destined to marry Wesley, she vaporized herself.

> The Stargazer's
> disappearance is one of the great mysteries of early space travel.

TOM: Along with the continued popularity of Star Trek.
CROW: <Leonard Nimoy> Tonight, on "In Search Of," we investigate the baffling
longevity of a certain badly-written sci-fi television show...

> Someday perhaps it will be solved.

MIKE: Probably in a sequel or two.
ALL: NOOOO!!!!

>
> Marrissa looked at the pictures of the former Captains of the
> Stargazer. Her eyes strayed from her father's self-portrait

CROW: The one done in edible paint?

[Mike and Tom look at Crow.]

CROW: I have no idea why I just said that.

> to the
> first and only Captain of the original Stargazer, Chelsea Clinton.

TOM: What an awful life.
MIKE: Yeah, really - grow up in the White House in the public eye, knowing
your parents are a pair of crooks--
CROW: Then finding out you have to marry Wesley, becoming an astronaut just
to escape, and blowing up somewhere around Jupiter.
TOM: That's some bad karma she's gotta be working off...

> Somehow Marrissa knew that they would meet again.

CROW: Oh god...
MIKE: Ratliff, I hope I run into you in a dark alley somewhere.
TOM: I hope I run *over* Ratliff in a dark alley somewhere.

>
> Appendix A:

CROW: Well, this part of the fanfic's body doesn't do anything, so let's
remove it, okay?

>
> Crew of the Stargazer (during most of the story)
>
> Acting Commanding Officer Lieutenant Commander Picard

MIKE: ...in a role that will bore you to tears.

> Chief Tactical Officer Lieutenant Ross Lochard

TOM: Known to the women of the Stargazer as the Ross Loch Monster.

> Acting Chief of Operations Lieutenant Sam Lavelle
> Acting Chief Engineer Rear Admiral Montgomery Scott

CROW: This has been a test. Had this been a real crew, there might have been
some action.

> CONN Officer Lieutenant Katherine Lochard
> Quartermaster Grieg

MIKE: Ensign Peer Gynt, quartermaster's assistant.

> Another CONN Officer Ensign Hijanda

TOM: <singing> Oh, mi hijanda.....

> Ensign in Command Ensign Faraday

CROW: I wish he would have invented a dynamo that would have shorted out
Ratliff's word-processor.

> Bartender Mary, daughter of Guinan
> Marrissa's Yeoman Yeoman Peterson
>
> Anti Starfleetites:

TOM: Me.
MIKE: Me.
CROW: Me!

> Captain Lyam Symton (Jean-Luc Picard)

MIKE: Yeah, he was symptomatic of *something*, all right...

> Chief Engineer Boris
> Asst to Captain (James T. Kirk)
> () aliases
>
> Additional Cast :

TOM: Casting by Plaster's of Paris.

> Time Travel Advisor Ltj Wesley Crusher

CROW: ...in a special dual role as the superhero sidekick Weenie Boy.

> President of the United States William Jefferson 'Bill' Clinton

MIKE: I heard that had to reshoot that scene with him and the Big Mac
43 times - he kept eating them too quickly.

> President's Daughter Chelsea Clinton
> Senoir Senator from VA John Warner (R)
> Junior Senator from VA Charles 'Chuck' Robb (D)

TOM: You know what they say - never trust a man with three first names.

> Junior Senator from IL Carol Mosley Buarn

CROW: What party is she?
MIKE: Token minority, I guess.

> Senoir Senator from MA Edward Kennedy (D)
> UPN Reporter Robert Duncan McNeil

TOM: Soon to start a long-running news program with Tom Lehrer.

> NBC Reporter Tob Brocaw

CROW: Heh, he must have had a cold when he typed that.

> ABC Reporter Connie Chung

MIKE: When did she leave CBS?

>
>
> --
> Stephen Ratliff Computer Science Major, Radford University.

TOM: Just think, someday he'll be writing the manual for your PC.

> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ ___/\___
> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative : |_| |_|

CROW: Eh, FAQ you, Ratliff.

> Status of Recently Posted Stories on a.st.c. |/^|
> Introduction to alt.startrek.creative, A Guide to the Newsgroup

MIKE: Rule #1: Don't read anything posted there.

>
> "I think I chose the wrong intelligence agency."
> -Garak, in ST:DS9's "Our Man Bashir"

MIKE: The hell does THAT mean?
TOM: Let's get out of here.
CROW: Yeah, I have a hot date with a phaser tonight.

[Mike and the bots leave the theater.]

*... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...

[SOL. Crow is breathing deeply, attempting to cleanse himself of the
fanfic. Mike is rubbing his temples and grimacing. Tom is shaking his
head back and forth, softly mumbling, "aggida aggida aggida..."]

ALL: *WHEW*...

[Everyone stops their attempts to recover from the fanfic.]

MIKE: Yet *another* Ratliff fanfic down the drain, eh, fellas?
TOM: This was, what, Ratliff fanfic number seven for us? Eight, maybe?
CROW: Yeah, and only about 20 billion more to go.
TOM: Shut up, Crow.
CROW: For the record, I would like to point out that "Time Speeder" is,
without a doubt, the single WORST story Ratliff has EVER WRITTEN!!
TOM: No argument here.
MIKE: You know, something else occured to me during this fanfic...
CROW: You mean *besides* thoughts of suicide?
MIKE: Yeah. I figured that Ratliff's Trek universe must be completely
separate from the *real* Trek universe. Aside from the fact that
Starfleet would never in its right mind promote a 15-year-old to
Second Officer, the clincher for me was the existence of the TV show
"Star Trek" in Ratliff's universe. The Trek franchise doesn't exist
in the Trek universe. Otherwise, Kirk would have been recognized
immediately and torn apart by crazed Trekkies when he went back to
1986 San Fransisco in "Star Trek IV."

[There is a pause.]

CROW: So what?
MIKE: Well, okay, so it's no flash of divine inspiration. It's just
something I noticed.

[Another pause. Everyone sighs.]

TOM: Hmmm... so if Ratliff's universe isn't the Trek universe, then what
is it? Could it be *our* universe?
CROW: Hell no! There are even *more* differences between Ratliff's
reality and *our* reality!
MIKE: Take NASA, for example. In real life, NASA is a bloated, inefficient
mess that never quite recovered from Kennedy's push for a moon-shot
ahead of schedule so that he could gain popularity and political
prestige. But in Ratliff's reality, NASA employs *millions*, and is
an inspiration to more!
CROW: Is that really true? About Kennedy?
MIKE: I think so. That's what I heard, anyway.
CROW: Huh!
TOM: Don't stop there! How about Bill Clinton? In real life, Clinton is
an adulterer, a draft-dodger, and a crook.
MIKE: Allegedly.
TOM: Um... yeah. But in Ratliff's reality, Bill's a single father, a
Trekkie, and a genuine nice guy!
CROW: In real life, 15-year-olds can't even *drive*, at least not in this
country. But in Ratliff's reality, 15-year-olds can command starships
better than experienced officers who spent *years* in Starfleet Academy
and ascending the command structure.
MIKE: In real life, there are statutory rape laws to protect young girls --
like Chelsea Clinton -- from the advances of older men -- like
Wesley Crusher.
TOM: And in Ratliff's reality?
MIKE: Hey, no problem!
CROW: Yep.
TOM: In real life, Star Trek is a bloated franchise that started out with
good intentions, but has become a souless, money-making machine. But
in Ratliff's reality, Trek is the BOOK OF FRIGGIN' *REVELATIONS*!!!
MIKE: There's one more difference that *really* sets off our two realities.
CROW: What's that?
MIKE: In real life, writers must not *only* use a spellchecker, but also
read and re-read their stories several times, taking great care to
make sure their art reflects well on them. But in Ratliff's reality,
well...
TOM: 'Nuff said.
MIKE: So, basically, Ratliff's universe is completely separate and distinct
reality from both Star Trek *and* us. Ratliffland is a universe unto
itself.
CROW: I truly stinky universe that no one in their right minds would even
*think* about visiting.
MIKE: <to Cambot> What do you think, sirs?

[Deep 13. There are piles upon piles of videotapes in the lab. Forrester
is searching through them like a man possessed. He grabs the tapes, looks
at the labels, then throws them away.]

DR.F: The "Gamera" series? Been done! Ah, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!"
Hmmm... I'd never get it past the censors. "This Island Earth?"
<appears thoughtful> Naaahhh...

[Forrester finally throws his remaining tapes away in frustration.]

DR.F: Can it be? Have I... RUN OUT OF BAD MOVIES?! I'm *ruined*, do you
hear me?! RUINED!!!

[Mother Forrester enters from the right.]

MOM F: Clayton! What *are* you blabbering on about?
DR.F: Mother! There must be *some* way I can find more bad movies, isn't
there? There *must* be!
MOM F: <sigh> Oh, Clayton.

[Mother Forrester hands her son a stack of videotapes.]

MOM F: Here. Take these blank tapes into the living room and start recording
the Sci-Fi Channel. Eventually, there's gotta be *something* you
can use.

[Mom Forrester exists. Dr. Forrester, clutching the videotapes, breaks into
a large, demented smile.]

DR.F: The Sci-Fi Channel? Yes... YES! It could work! IT COULD WORK!!!

[Forrester looks into the screen.]

DR.F: It appears I have some taping to do, so... until next time, proles!

[Dr. Forrester pushes the button.]

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the copyright of
Best Brains, Inc. Star Trek in its many, many forms (all of which are
completely accurate depictions of the future) is a copyright of Paramount.
Infringement of neither copyright is intended. Don't sue me. (And if you
do, at least tell me that you thought of the MiSTing.)

We were pretty harsh on Stephen Ratliff in this MiSTing, but this was not
intentioned as a mean-spirited flame. It is meant to be a humorous form
of criticism, and as such should be perceived as a little fun and games.

Mike Czaplinski's appearance made possible by ConHugeCo, Inc.

> "If I remember the descriptions of time travel, we better strap it.
> All hands, prepare for rough maneuvers."