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> GERMAN FINGER IN THE YUGOSLAV CRISIS
MIKE: You got your finger in my crisis!
CROW: You got your crisis on my finger!
TOM: I just have a feeling we're all going to want to give the poster the
finger.
> (By Ernestina Hernandez Solano)
> ("Uno Mas Uno", Mexico City, November 1993)
CROW: That's spanish for "One Mass One"
TOM: Well that's...huh?
> Those who believed that the defeat in two world wars diminished Germany's
> expansionist ambitions were certainly wrong. Germans need, more than ever
> before,
MIKE: And they express their need in many ways...
> territories and they wish to expand their influence and get an important role
> on the world political scene.
CROW: After getting an important role, they'd like to direct.
> The difference between the Nazi aggression in the past and the present
> new thrust of Germany
TOM: Thrust? Hey...
MIKE: Don't even comment on it...
> is in methods. Germans are now trying not to get their hands dirty
CROW: I can see the specks!!! Get 'em off!!!
> and are using their stooges to realize their plans for the establishment of
> the so-called protectorate of the Reich.
MIKE(Moe): Okay, knuckleheads, we're gonna expand the reich...
CROW & TOM: Woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop!!
> This means that they want to turn Central Europe into a conglomerate of
> statelets
TOM: Are those something like Chicklets?
> completely dependent on Bonn. "Germans are for us what Americans are for
> you", said Mrs. Zorica Bastic, press attache in the Yugoslav Embassy in
> Mexico.
MIKE: And Gambians are for us what Samoans are for you.
> "Germans wish to dominate the Balkans. So, they have formed six or eight
> statelets in the Balkans which cannot survive politically. These countries
> will depend on German capital and will be turned into puppets of this big
> European power..."
CROW: Notice how they cut off her quote before she really started going nuts.
> Why should they look for something in remote Asia or Africa when they can
> find it in Europe itself? In other words, America for the United States, Asia
> for Japan and Europe for Germany.
TOM: Hollywood for Barry Diller!
MIKE: Atlantis for Kathy Ireland!
CROW: The NBA for the Timberwolves!
MIKE & TOM: Huh?
> Accordingly, Yugoslavia's disintegration came as if ordered for the strategic
> goals of Helmut Kohl's government.
TOM(Helmut Kohl): I vant a dangerous var fought close to our borders.
> However, Serbia's position is an obstacle since it has not allowed the
> realization of expansionist goals of the New Reich until now.
CROW: Everywhere those dang Nazis turn...Serbia stops them.
> Precisely because of these expansionist ambitions, Germany incited the
> peoples of the former Yugoslavia to war. It planned all well and has already
> begun to collect first dividends:
MIKE(Mr. Burns): A bright, shiny penny.
> while the Balkan peoples continue to fight each other, Germans have already
> purchased 30 per cent of all plants
TOM: I want all the ferns you've got.
> in Slovenia and the Czech Republic and expand their political and economic
> influence to Baltic countries.
MIKE: Wait a second. Now Czechoslovakia and the Baltics are in Yugoslavia?
CROW: Yeah, I think Yugoslavia annexed South Dakota too, so they could protect
Wall Drug from the Germans.
> Germany also got access to the port of Kopar in Slovenia. thus, German
> ships no longer have to pass through Gibraltar
TOM: I bet Gibraltar has a tough time passing those German Ships.
CROW: Oh, gross!
> and all internal German trade is carried out between the Baltic and Adriatic
> sea.
CROW: So Germany took over other countries for _internal_ trade?
MIKE: As soon as they were inside Germany, I guess...
> In addition, Germans own the greatest part of the Croatian hotel industry on
> the Adriatic coast. They have bought from Zagreb many islands and beaches in
> exchange for arms.
MIKE: I wonder if Oliver North realized that instead of trying to free
hostages, he could have bought himself a nice beach in Croatia.
> Germany has, thus, conquered a strategically significant territory and uses
> its tourist advantages.
CROW: Ve vill capture za hotels, und zen ve vill rule za vorld!
> Yugoslavia's disintegration means the realization of the old dream of
> Germany which it was not able to realize in two previous world wars:
TOM: Declare war only against little countries?
> the creation of a political and economic axis in central Europe. However,
> Kohl's ambitions do not stop at conquering only a part of the Adriatic sea.
TOM: He also wants to eat the entire stock of a Baskin-Robbins.
> The strengthening of his relations with Hungary
CROW: Hungary, huh? Maybe he should have some goulash... hehehe...
MIKE: Don't you ever say that again.
> is aimed at gaining control over the Danube. However, this has not been
> achieved because of the resistance of Serbs.
MIKE: Who live in the ubserbs.
CROW: Oh, who's creating stupid puns now?
> Because of its mistrust in Germans based on the holocaust during World
> War Two, Israel has avidly followed the events in Bosnia-Herzegovina.
TOM: Israel is _stalking_ Germany?
> The Institute For The Defence Of The West, with its headquarters in Jerusalem,
> devoted great attention to an article by Alfred Sherman
CROW: Because it was a really slow day. Hardly anyone was attacking the West.
> on the events in the former Yugoslavia. Sherman can certainly not be said to
> be a progressive, even less a communist,
MIKE: Not even a brine shrimp,
> desirous of defending Belgrade. On the contrary, he is a British conservative
> who was Margaret Thatcher's adviser during her reign.
MIKE: Oh, was Margaret drizzling or pouring?
TOM: One more lame pun, Mike, and we're going to have to kill you.
> Sherman and some Israeli quarters
MIKE: Do they use those in Israeli video games?
> have researched the events in Bosnia. They are all agreed in their suspicion
> of Germany, the country which lost two world wars this century and dragged
> Europe into the inferno of death, suffering and pogrom of the Jewish people.
TOM: These Israeli researchers are, of course, unbiased.
> They discovered that, through the EC and UN, Germany incited conflicts in the
> former Yugoslavia in order to eliminate the last traces of the Versailles
> treaty
CROW: Okay, here's the plan. We'll distract them with a war in Yugoslavia, and
when they aren't looking, we burn the treaty of Versailles...
> ...like in 1914 and 1941, its direct goal was to neutralize Serbs and create a
> number of statelets under the protectorate of the Reich.
TOM: Yes, we all remember Hitler's ultimate plan...take over Yugoslavia!!!
> In the mid-1980s, it became evident that the blind alley in which the Yugoslav
> socialist dictatorship found itself would cause centrifugal ethnically-based
> tendencies.
CROW: Whoa! That weird mixed metaphor is making me dizzy...
> It was also clear that the division of Yugoslavia into five, six or seven
> satellite statelets
ALL: of Love
> would lead to a civil war.
> This assessment was also shared by the foreign office and by most foreign
> ministries in European countries. In 1990, an attempt was made to help
> preserve the unity and prevent the disintegration of Yugoslavia.
MIKE: We can't let them stop making those cars! It's a global emergency!
> However, Germany prevented it. Ever since, its only goal has been the
> disintegration of Yugoslavia.
TOM: Forget those Volkswagens! We've got to disintegrate Yugoslavia!
> During negotiations on the independence of Slovenia, Croatia, Macedonia
> and Bosnia-Herzegovina, 11 out of 12 EC member states were against the their
> declaration of independence. However, Germans decided to have it their way
CROW: At Burger King
> and other EC countries were forced to recognize the new republics.
CROW: Apparently, Germany threatened to give the other countries noogies.
> Germans encouraged Moslems and Croats to reach agreement which inevitably
> provoked Serb armed resistance...
MIKE: Nothing upsets those Serbs like peace...
> There is no way Germans were wrong in their assessment. Germany has
> always been the best informed EC member state when the Balkans is in
> question...
TOM: Oh, can you blame them for doing their reading ahead of time?
> Germany entered the process of Yugoslavia's disintegration with its eyes
> opened,
CROW: Its nostrils flared, and its ears full of wax
> aware of the fact that the conflict would bring about a situation which would
> suit Germany entirely. German actions do not stop at Slovenia, Croatia and
> Bosnia. There have already been rumours
MIKE: That Helmut Kohl is Sharon Stone's love slave!
> that the dissatisfaction of Moslems in various parts of Novi Pazar and Kosovo
> - which are internationally recognized as parts of Serbia- constitutes a
> threat to peace in Europe which should justify
CROW: my love.
> intervention. This would benefit Albania, the Moslem state which
> cannot survive alone. It would become a natural ally of Germany.
TOM: Come on, Oliver Stone doesn't have conspiracy theories this stupid.
> In addition, Bonn and its allies support Hungary's territorial claims
> against Vojvodina,
MIKE: You know, I think he's just making this up.
> part of Serbia with substantial Hungarian minority. The German influence in
> Hungary has been on the increase and Hungary's territorial claims will not
> probably be limited only to Yugoslavia.
CROW: Hungary also wants the Dells.
> The disintegration of Czechoslovakia resulted in the creation of
> impoverished Slovakia with the Hungarian minority of 12 per cent of the
> population.
TOM: Well, if they're impoverished, of course they're Hungary... Heh heh...
<Mike smacks his forehead>
> The Slovak government has disputes with Hungary about the Danube. An armed
> conflict between the two of them is possible. If Hungary laid its hands on
> Southern Slovakia,
CROW: Don't you touch my southern parts!
> Germany would get control over the Danube from its source in Germany to the
> Hungarian-Romanian border. This is a very significant geostrategic question.
TOM: No, seriously, it is.
> Germany will also try to get control over the part of the Danube between
> Romania and Bulgaria...
CROW: Why do these sentences drift off so dreamily...
> However, there is the question of establishing a competent international
> authority or German control over the Danube, which would have significant
> international implications.
TOM: If you Germans try to take over the Danube one more time, you have to get
out of the pool!
> Sherman goes on to say: "Germany's territorial ambitions have not
> subsided..."
MIKE: But luckily, it's easy to ignore racist demagogues like him.
> these excerpts from Sherman's study have caused fear that Germany is planning
> another catastrophe for Central Europe.
CROW: They're going to drop pig's blood on its head. Central Europe,
however, has unknown telekinetic powers.
> It is evident that Bonn used inter-ethnic hatred to avenge its humiliation by
> Serbs in World War Two.
MIKE: It wasn't the bombing of Dresden, the capture of Berlin, the loss of
territory that got us so much as those Serbs singing "Nanny nanny boo boo."
> The most frightening thing is the fact that the EC knows of these German
> intentions, but, for various reasons, has become its collaborator,
TOM: As everybody knows, France and England want Germany to become a superpower.
> particularly in the case of the conflict in the former Yugoslavia where, so
> far, about 200 000 people have been killed, more than two million are refugees
> and hundreds of millions of dollars have been lost.
CROW: Where _did_ I put those millions of dollars?
> The real causes of this war were not unknown also in the United States.
> However, rather than opposing German hegemonism the United States punished a
> people. Thus, the Serb people was punished and presented as the Balkan
> monster.
TOM: The West just doesn't understand the beneficial purpose behind bombing
Sarajevo.
> It seems that the world has not learned lessons from history and that is
> allows Germany to rise its head again and commit a new genocide with the help
> of modern methods. Europe and the United States should feel ashamed
MIKE: For the reemergence of David Hasselhoff.
> because of their weakness towards this power which, for the third time this
> century, is trying to conquer Europe first and then the rest of the world.
CROW(Peter Graves): The west learned, almost too late, that man is a feeling
creature...
MIKE & TOM: SHUT UP!
CROW: Sorry, it just felt right.
> =================================================================
> -- I speak for no one and no one speaks for me -- D. D. Chukurov
CROW: If he speaks for no one and no one speaks for him, than WHAT WAS THE
POINT OF THE POST?
MIKE: Don't worry, honey, that was just a pseudo-intellectual quote so that
everyone believes that he's really a deep thinker...
TOM: Time to go...
> d...@nyquist.bellcore.com
> =================================================================
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This MiSTing of a post is based on characters created and owned by Best Brains,
Inc. This MSTing is for entertainment purposes only, and is not meant as a
personal attack on the author of the original post. Any opinions discernable
in this posting are mine and mine alone (except for those of the original
posters, natch). If this post offends you, keep in mind that it is a response
to a bizarre conspiratorial post, and I do not intend to be offensive. If I
am anyway, mea culpa mea culpa mea maxima culpa.
tv's Dale
"I'm going to break up the Beatles when I grow up."--Gamera vs. Guiron