MST3Kd: ABORTION: WHEN Does Human Life BEGIN?

[Robert Everett Brunskill]

This is a repost of a mystification of a post of a McElwaine of a
University in Eau-Claire. This has been posted before, but this version
puts in some spelling corrections and such. Two more posts will be
following this (hopefully soon): 'Beverly Hills 90210 Prom Night' and
'Chain Letter'.

<Fade in. Crow is at the computer reading email. Suddenly his mouth
drops open in a look of surprise.>

Crow: Uh, uh, guys! Get over here! Quick!

<Joel, Tom, and Gypsy enter. Joel has been and still is brushing his
teeth (and holds a cup of water. Tom has just stepped out of the
shower, and has a towel wrapped around his head, and at his waist.
Gypsy has curlers stuck to her head.>

Tom: What is it Crow? I was just in the shower.
Crow: You're never going to believe this!
Tom: What is it?
Ship: Commercial sign in ten seconds...

<Joel stops brushing and starts to take a sip of water.>

Crow: This post. It says "for these reasons the University of
Wisconsin, Eau-Claire has revoked the network privileges of Robert E.
McElwaine".

<Joel sprays water across the room.>

Tom and Crow: Yay! No more McElwaine! No more McElwaine!

<Joel wipes off with a towel around his neck, Tom and Crow start dancing
and chanting, Gypsy has no idea what's going on.>

Ship: Commercial sign, three, two one, we have commercial.

<The commercial light is flashing. Joel wipes it off. Fade out.

Commercial

Fade in. The situation has calmed down. Joel and the bots are looking
normal.>

Joel: Now Tom, Crow, you might not realize the full ramifications of
this event. If one person can be extricised from the network because of
what he writes, what's to stop the network operators from making the
internet a totalitarian state in which a select few control what you
read and write?
Crow: But Joel, the guy was a nutcase.
Tom: Yeah Joel. He wasn't banned because of his content. It was
because of his activity.
Joel: Is that what you think or is that what they want you to think?
Tom and Crow: Huh?
Joel: Think about it. Did you want to see him be removed because of
what he wrote, or how he posted it?
Crow: Gee, you sure do know how to ruin the moment.
Tom: Yeah.
Joel: We'll talk about this later. The mads are calling.

Dr.F: Hello Joel, ready for the invention exchange?

Joel: You bet. I was just giving the bots here a little lecture on morality.

Dr.F: Ah, ... yes, ... well, um, go ahead then if you're ready.

Joel: Well, I was thinking that one of the most useful things for any
net reader is a kill file. Unfortunately a kill file not only keeps you
from gaining possible enlightening or humorous insight, but many people
run news reading programs that are incapable of using such a file. In
the interest of making the net a better place, I've taken the concept of
a 'kill file' and rewritten it.
First of all, you fill out a set of questions that will be used by
the program to interpret what you will find interesting, useful,
meaningless, and offensive. Then, as you scan a bulletin board the
program will scan the content of every message and hide those messages
that you might find disturbing, or cause unnecessary anger or flames.
One of the best parts is that the algorithm I was able to write
takes up very little space and is fully modular. That way the
'Protection File' as I call it, can run with any system or any reader
with only a very slight modification.
Right now I'm working on an algorithm that will pass messages that
the user might not agree with, but will educate them and expand their
thinking.

<Dr. F is completely shocked.>

Dr.F: Ah, ha, uh, well, I guess our little bit of software is a little
different. Frank, would you like to show them what we've done?
Frank: Heh heh, certainly. Due to um, 'recent events' on the net we've
decided to write something a little special. What we've done is written
a virus program that is fully capable of free travel over the networks
and through phone lines. Muhahahhahahahahahahahahahaha!
Dr.F: Cut the evil laughter Frank. Tell them what it does.
Frank: Oh, right. We call it the R.E.M. virus.

Crow: A virus named after a band?
Tom: What does it do? Play loud music?

Frank: No! More sinister! It's named after Robert E. McElwaine!

Joel, Crow, Tom: AH!

Frank: That's right! It will take any well written and thought
provoking article and twist it into the ravings of a mad man, with
random capitalization and dollar signs in place of the s's! In fact
we've already tested a more benign form of the virus, and with a couple
edits we can spread it to the world!
Dr.F: In fact we have a little sample right here. Feast your eyes on
this Joel:

" Give ME the job.

Dear $ONY COrporation,

I WA$ very PLEA$ED to hear that you had an opening in your
RE$EARCH management DIVI$ION, and I am exceptionally PLEA$ED to
learn that you are CON$IDERING ME for the PO$ITION! I have
included the REQUE$TED TRAN$CRIPT, and $OME additional
information on my 'FTP FTD', electronic FLORI$T $OFTWARE.

Doctor John E. McForre$tere
Head of GIZMONIC$ RE$EARCH DIVI$ION
(but not an agent thereof)"

Dr.F: WHAT!? FRANK!

Joel: Hey! The FTP FTD was my idea.

Dr.F: That was my ticket out of here Frank! That combined with the
'Pansy Protection File' would have gotten me hired! What were you
thinking?!
Frank: Well, you said to test it on someone's account, so I figured...
Dr.F: I can't believe this! I'm ruined you hear me? Ruined!
Frank: Maybe you could start your own cult...
Dr.F: SHUT UP FRANK!

Joel: I can't believe you stole one of my ideas.
Tom: The 'recent events' that inspired that virus wouldn't be the big
McE's removal from the net would it?

Dr.F and Frank: What?
Frank: You know about it?
Dr.F: How could they know? I told Frank to cancel all those messages,
how could...? Frank, did you cancel those messages like I asked?
Frank: Well, uh, heh, I was busy with the virus see, and uh...
Dr.F: Did you?!
Frank: No.
Dr.F: Right. That's it. Now I'm really ticked off. Okay Frank. I'll
give you a head start. Start running now. When I finish telling them
about today's post, then I'll chase you. Then I'll catch you. Then
I'll KILL you!

<Frank stands there, unsure of what to do.>

Dr.F: Go on!

<Frank sulks off.>

Dr.F: RUN! Aherm, well Joel. Your post today was sent to us from a
kind soul from alt.sex.stories.

<The crew looks surprised.>

Joel: Dr. Forrester. For shame.

Dr.F: I didn't find it! It was sent to me!

Crow: Oh yeah? By who?

Dr.F: The name is being withheld to protect the guilty.

Crow: Oh, sure. Sicko.

Dr.F: Look you little tin can, I'll turn you into a kid's bowling set if
you don't take that back!

Crow: Oh yeah? Well why don't you just bring me down there and we'll
see who whips whose nether regions!

Dr.F: All right you little twerp! I'll show you...

<Dr.F is about to push the button, but stops.>

Dr.F: I see through your little charade. You're staying right where you
are. A least I don't regret sending this up to you now. It's entitled
"ABORTION: WHEN Does Human Life BEGIN?" by Robert... E... McELWAINE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

<Joel is patting Crow on the shoulder.>

Joel: Nice try Crow. Almost got it that time.
Tom: Yeah Crow. Nice try.
Crow: Oh well. Hey, did he say something about McCloud?

<Lights flash.>

Joel: We've got message sign!

G...6...5...4...3...2...1...

Joel: Gee, Dr. Forrester was really ticked off. He might hurt some one.
Crow: Maybe it's better that we're still up here.

On 08-May-93 in ABORTION

Tom: Hey, this could be a serious topic!

> : WHEN Does Human Life BEGIN? user
> mcelwre

Crow: NOT!

> @cnsvax.uwec.edu writes:

Joel: I'm impressed. This guy loses his access and still manages to post!

>
> ABORTION: WHEN Does Human Life BEGIN?

Crow: What I want to know is how soon we can end it for certain people.
Tom: Post-natal Abortion?
Crow: Yeah, that's it.

>
> The debate about the abortion issue really

Crow: Gets annoying?

> boils

Joel: Water?

> down to
> a question of WHEN human life begins.

Tom: Some say it begins during pregnancy, but I say it begins one
hundred years before that...

> Many "pro-lifers" are

Joel: "Anti-Choice".

> fundamentalist Christians

Crow: Who actually believe in Christ.

> but are unable to quote any clear
> statements from

Tom: My posts.

> their Bible

Joel: Well, maybe if they used someone else's Bible.

> indicating that human life begins
> at conception.

Crow: If the van's a rockin' don't come a...
Joel: Hey! Crow!
Tom: But which conception does he mean? If this weren't McE I'd say he
meant what most people mean, but he could mean something else, know what
I mean?

> [And most of them, especially the Catholics,
> are also against artificial birth control,

Tom: Well maybe if we give them some more natural methods?
Crow: <sings> Every sperm is sacred...
Joel: Crow! Stop it right there!

> which would
> PREVENT the unwanted pregnancies to begin with! ] They are
> apparently either ignorant of,

Crow: Wow, to be called ignorant by McElwaine...

> or ignoring, GENESIS 2:7 KJV,
> which states:

Joel: "And God assembled the fragmented half-theories of the world and
assembled them into a single mind that is McElwaine's."

> "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the
> ground, and breathed into his nostrils the BREATH OF LIFE,
> and man became a living Soul.".

Tom: And you too can learn CPR and other resuscitation methods at your
local YMCA.

>
> This Biblical statement indicates that human life begins

Tom: Some time during or after conception.

> (Soul enters its new body) WHEN THE BODY TAKES ITS FIRST
> BREATH OF AIR OUT-side THE WOMB.

Crow: Oh great, he's writing all in caps so he has to use lower case to
emphasize.

> Therefore, if an aborted
> fetus's lungs are too undeveloped to breathe,

Joel: It won't.

> or if an older
> fetus is biologically terminated

Tom: Biological termination? What is this from? Pre-natal biological warfare?

> INside the womb, then that
> abortion can NOT be called "murder",

Crow: Although the term 'retirement' does have a nice ring to it.

> because NO Soul was
> present

Joel: Baby can't sing the blues.

> in the fetus.

Crow: Ugh, McElwaine using the term 'fetus'.
Tom: I know, gives you the creeps doesn't it?

> Another thing to consider is that

Crow: I am a raving lunatic.

> each of us is
> surrounded by

Joel: Air?
Tom: I know, people!
Crow: Very small rocks.

> a protective energy field usually called an
> "AURA", as described in MANY books

Tom: by Dewey Larson.

> related to psychic
> phenomena.

Crow: Ah, books about the telepathetic. Heh heh heh.

> A few people, including the late Edgar Cayce,

Joel: Oh, I remember him, he was never on time.
Tom: The guy with the long book titles, right?

> can
> actually SEE colored AURAs around people.

Tom: In addition to seeing Elvis, and little green men.
Crow: I think they need to start seeing a psychiatrist.

> The Canadian
> scientist Frances

Joel: Bacon?

> Nixon

Crow: Was not a crook.

> developed a way to locate the boun-
> daries of a person's AURA.

Tom: Oh, I bet _that_ was fun.

> One of the AURA's main purposes is to shield out
> discarnate entities from a person's body.

Crow: Entities? As in spooks and spirits? Now _that's_ going just a
bit too far!

> If an AURA becomes
> weak, because of illness, injury, etc., discarnate entities
> can sometimes invade and cause insanity, multiple personali-
> ties, etc..

Tom: All of which can be clearly observed in me.
Joel: But how does this relate to abortion?
Crow: You actually expect him to relate the two.

>
> THE AURA OF A HEALTHY PREGNANT MOTHER WOULD LIKEWISE
> PREVENT A SOUL FROM ENTERING THE FETUS INSIDE HER.

Crow: Oh yes, I forgot. He can relate demons and bar code scanners. Of
course he could match these two.

> The purpose of laws in a free country like the United
> States should be to protect INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM, and prevent
> it from being violated by others, NOT to stifle it in the
> name of power, control, exploitation, ORTHODOX RELIGION, or
> the money-god. Any man-made law which fails that test is
> automatically and immediately UN-Constitutional, null and
> void.

<Applause, cheers, and whistles from all.>

Tom: You know, hearing McElwaine talk patriotic just does something to me.
Crow: You mean, wrenches up your insides, puts pressure on your bowels,
and throws all your beliefs, hopes and dreams to the wind to be
scattered like little raffle tickets?
Tom: Yes, I think that's it.

> The INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM of a pregnant mother to control
> her own body must likewise be protected.

Crow: No, no. That just won't do. I get to control everyone, remember?
I called dibbs.

> If the "pro-lifers" would show as much concern for ALL
> People

Tom: Who read my posts.

> AFTER birth as they do for fetus's before birth,

Crow: Yeah, and what about fetus's after birth?
Joel: That can't happen.
Crow: But this is McElwaine, I thought it might.

> the
> world could rapidly become a decent place to live in.

Crow: So there. Nyaaa.

> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
> IMPORTANT

Tom: Will get you kicked off the net.

> Information is ENCOURAGED.
>
>
> Robert E. McElwaine
> 2nd Initiate in Eckankar,

Crow: And Pro-Choice poster boy.

> (but not an agent

Joel: Agent? Like double 'o' seven?
Tom: McElwaine, Robert McElwaine.
Crow: More like double 'o' stupid.

> thereof)

Joel: Oh, I guess that's it.
Crow: You said it. That's _really_ it.

<Crow and Tom chant 'No more McElwaine' as they leave.>

1...2...3...4...5...6...G...

Crow: I'm glad that's over.
Joel: Well guys. I hope you learned something today.

<Crow and Tom turn their heads to Joel quickly.>

Tom: What?
Crow: Huh?
Tom: About what?
Joel: About controversial issues. I mean, abortion, kill files, freedom
of speech. All these issues are deep and complex issues that man has
been struggling with in some way for years. Give me a mood light
Cambot. <Cambot obliges> Each issue is a complex maze of 'right and
wrong', 'good and bad', and 'black and white' that combine to make a
grey area when viewed from a distance. Sure, when you look at a single
aspect you might see a clear cut answer, but how does that answer
compare when you bring multiple problems to light. The path quickly
becomes hazy. People begin fighting over simple solutions to mere
components of the problem. Anger turns to fighting. Fighting to
killing. But where does it get us? Where does it all lead. There are
no simple problems or simple solutions. Answers are but a function of
time, and the major problems of tomorrow we have yet to face. Many
victims will face terrible times on this perilous journey of life and
many will die. But right or wrong it will not be in vain because every
belief a person holds will influence their actions. Every action a
person takes will influence their environment. One person can change
the world and one event can change a person!

<Sings>

When I feel down,
Down to the ground,
I remember a sound,
And it turns me a round.

Because life is grand,
For every man,
If we all lend a hand,
Won't it be grand.

No one has the same views,
But this seems to be news,
To all of yous,
And to my shoes.

And I like to think,
That some day we'll find,
A solution that everyone,

Tom: Joel, Joel!

<Mood light disappears.>

Joel: What?
Tom: You lost the mood Joel. It wasn't working.
Crow: Yeah. That song just didn't work right.
Joel: Really? Well, how about this:

<upbeat music, starts marching, sings>

I like to think I'm free,
To disagree,
Eternally.

For, everyone is free,
Free to be,
You and me.

Tom: Joel! Joel! Forget it. The mood is gone. Besides, you were
starting to swipe lyrics.
Joel: Oh, was I?
Crow: Yes.
Joel: Did I get my point across?
Crow: I have no idea.
Joel: Well, to bring up the old McElwaine issue, I understand that he
lost his access because of what he did. I just wanted you guys to see
beyond that, and see it from other views as well.
Crow: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Tom: Yes, and such a great job you did of it Joel.
Joel: Oh look, that mads are calling. Right on time.
Crow: I think this last post might have done something to his brain, Tom.

<Dr.F is hiding behind a computer bank (or something else reasonably
big), looking off to the side.>

Dr.F: We've almost got him. He's over by the main screen. Get a shot of him.

<Standard Mad shot, Frank looking like a deer behind the keyboard.>

Dr.F: Oh Frank! As long as I don't know where you are at the moment,
the experiment is over, and you're near the keyboard, why don't you
press the button?

<Frank immediately hides behind the keyboard, and looks around.>

Frank: Uh, OK.

<Frank stands and presses the button. Immediately an electric sound is
heard, and Frank starts to shake. Dr.F walks in.>

Dr.F: Thanks Frank. Oh, by the way I booby trapped the keyboard, booby.

<Dr.F presses the new 'off' key. As the screen fades and credits begin
to roll, Frank's scream can be heard echoing off into space...>

\ | /
\|/
---O---
/|\
/ | \

Credits:

MSTified by Rob Brunskill
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.

Rob

----
Robert E. McElwaine:
> The purpose of laws in a free country like the United
> States should be to protect INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM, and prevent
> it from being violated by others, NOT to stifle it in the
> name of power, control, exploitation, ORTHODOX RELIGION, or
> the money-god. Any man-made law which fails that test is
> automatically and immediately UN-Constitutional, null and
> void.
----