[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
MIKE: Great comics, Tom. Thanks.
CROW: Yeah, it brings your spirit up.
TOM: No problem.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 9
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: And feelin' fine!
CROW: Speak for yourself.
>
> The trio entered the mall area,
TOM: Trio?
MIKE: Um, Davey and two others, probably.
> unaware that they were being watched by
> a robotic rubber chicken behind a tree.
CROW: Man, Big Bird did not age well.
> This Bot was joined by a mechanical
> monkey
MIKE: Diddy Kong!
> and a pint-sized tank.
> "Grounder, the phone."
CROW: [ whoever ] It's stuck in my nose.
> The tank opened up his
TOM: So the tank's a he?
MIKE: Never seen a male tank before.
> chest.
MIKE: Ouch!
> "Here it is,
> Scratch."
MIKE: No, scratch that.
> "S.S.S.S.S.
CROW: Chicken or snake? *You* make the call!
> Squad to Lord Snivley. We just saw Sonic and Tails
TOM: And King Davey, ruler of all.
> go into the Minoc Mall." "Yeah," the monkey added, "and with a giant fox we
> don't recognize. Looks like a dumb hick to me. <chuckles>"
CROW: If he only knew how right he was.
> "That's no ordinary dumb hick, Coconuts,"
TOM: [ Snively ] It's a *really* dumb hick!
> Snivley said from the control
> room of Robotropolis.
MIKE: *Gasp*. He spelled it right!
TOM: Actually, his spelling is improving by *small* amounts.
MIKE: Hm. Ever read "Flowers for Algernon"?
BOTS: No.
MIKE: Never mind.
> "His name is Davey Crockett, and he's a new member of
TOM: Rush.
> the Freedom Fighters. Be sure to give him a good freshman hazing as you get
CROW: The measles.
> that repulsive hedgehog and that flea-bitten brat of his."
> "Will do, Lord Snivley!" "'Lord Snivley!' Ha! Never thought I'd see
> the d--"
MIKE: Dratted loser?
TOM: Dumb hick?
> Snivley cut Coconuts off
MIKE: [ Snively ] Hi-keeba!
> and turned to Packbell.
> "The S.S.S.S.S. Squad, Boss? Hardly the bots for the Job. Those three
> dimwits can't handle Sonic or Tails, and you sicced them on this . . .
CROW: [ Packbell ] This *dumb* *hick*?!
> Psycho? <Points to Davey's human pic>"
> "Mr. Crockett is becoming too cocky too fast if he thinks he can just
> step into Mobius like he actually owns the planet.
ALL: But he *does*!
> He needs to learn some .
> . . humility."
ALL: Agreed.
> Snivley turns his back to his underboss. "Besides, those
> three bots are expendable."
CROW: Yeah! They can grow really long, and--
MIKE: That's "extendable".
> "Expendable, you say."
MIKE: Tally-ho, chop-chop.
> Packbell eyes narrow.
CROW: Which ones?
> He looked like he was in
> deep thought.
TOM: Oh, it's just an optical illusion.
> He faded back and out of the room.
TOM: Now *Packbell* is the Amazing Rando!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: You can only make so many jokes about the same horizontal line.
>
> By the time Packbell arrived at Minoc Grove, Davey was through with
> Sally's shopping chores. He also got a few things for himself as well, like
CROW: A nice silk dress.
> a baseball cap with the House of Acorn crest on it. He switched his now
> famous
TOM: Impersonation of Madonna.
> racoon tail,
MIKE: Bookshire! No!
CROW: I thought it was Rotor.
TOM: No, Rotor's the geeky fox.
MIKE: Rotor's geeky, but I think he's the walrus.
CROW: Wrong, Mike.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: The walrus has to be... Paul!
MIKE: [ pause ] What I wouldn't give for a Narn and a baseball bat right about
now.
> which is detachable, to that hat, and gave the old one
> to Tails, which was close by. "Uncle Davey, what does . . . SIUE mean?"
CROW: Gesundheit.
> "Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. It's a college I went
> to when I was still on Earth."
> What do you call a redneck with a college education?
MIKE: A liar?
> Packbell mused to
> himself as he hid cloaked in the trees. A very dangerous man, or in this
> case,
TOM: Moron.
> yipper. My guts tell me that he's gonna be more trouble than he's
> worth. I've gotta study him.
MIKE: [ Packbell ] There might be a pop quiz next period.
> Davey dumped the stuff in the trunk of the
MIKE: Elephant that accompanied them.
CROW: This, of course, was met with some resistance.
> hovercycle, quickly catching
> a can of nuts for Sally before it fell off. Reaction time's 7 times quicker
> than
CROW: [ Packbell ] That of a slug.
> average. Humm.
TOM: [ Packbell ] I don't know the words.
> Must be those cyborg implants. My sensors indicate
> that he is
MIKE: [ Packbell ] The personification of the author.
> partly roboticized, but not all of him that's 'bot.
CROW: Huh?
> That left
> arm's actually
TOM: [ Packbell ] Styrofoam!
> a computer terminal on steroids
MIKE: [ announcer voice ] Two weeks later, it was discovered that Davey's
robotic arm had been on steroids. The team was stripped of its
title...
> . . . oh-oh, Dumb, Dumber,
> and Dumbest are here . . .
TOM: AAAAAHH!! They made a SEQUEL!!
> Neither Davey or Tails saw the three incoming 'bots.
CROW: 'Cause, y'know, they're not observant.
> Davey just closed
> the trunk and activated the security systems, and headed back to the mall
> with Tails in tow.
TOM: Ick.
MIKE: I don't think that's what... never mind.
> As he went, however, he was looking around him. "Hey,
> Tails, you feel like you're being watched?"
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> "Ummm, I dunno. Something's wrong?"
> "I dunno either. Something's got me running a bit paranoid.
CROW: So he's afraid that he'll get the runs?
MIKE: Crow! Eeyuck!
> I'll
> check the scanner." David held his right hand to his head
TOM: [ Davey ] Damn this migraine headache!
> as his eyes
> glowed again. His eyes must double as computer terminals to be glowing like
> that. Good thing I've got a stealth mode. I don't want to confront him yet
> . . .
MIKE: I wish this was still set up as a web page. The thinking is giving me a
headache.
CROW: But Mike, you should be used to that by now!
BOTS: [ giggle ]
MIKE: Oh, very funny. *Very* funny.
> "Drat, It's so buzy in here that I can't
MIKE: [ Davey ] Hear a thing!
BOTS: [ start buzzing ]
> get a good fix on any bot
> activity, but I do detect
CROW: [ Davey ] A strip club.
TOM: No, that's *hot* activity.
MIKE: You guys are hopeless!
> a tall cat and a chameleon coming this way. Must
> be Mel and Cleo."
> And it was. Cleo rushed the two-tailed furball. "Hi, Tails!" Tails
> managed to return the 'hello' before being crunched in a bearhug.
ALL: [ various cracking crunching shattering bone breaking sounds ]
> About the
> same time, Davey tapped on his right arm, and a song belted out.
MIKE: [ singing ] I love you... you love me...
ALL: [ singing ] Let's hang Davey from a tree...
TOM: Wait a minute! His *left* arm's the robotic one!
CROW: [ chuckling ] Whoops!
> Davey took
> a title track from a pro-wrestler and spliced in Amy Rose and Tails' voices:
> I think I'm cute/
MIKE: Not.
> I know I'm sexy/
CROW: You know wrong, bucko.
> I've got the feeling/up an down my
> spine....
TOM: You're alone.
> "DAVEY!!! STOP THAT!!! I'M DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT HERE!!!"
CROW: We're dying of boredom. Wait your turn.
> I'm just a sexy boy (sexy boy)/
ALL: [ snort ]
> I'm not your boy toy (boy toy)
MIKE: Either of you ever wind up those walking toys and set them in front of a
ledge?
CROW: No. Sounds like fun!
TOM: Let's try that later.
> "ARRRRRRRGH!!!!"
CROW: My thoughts exactly.
> Tails ran out of the scene as Davey and Melanie were
> laughing.
ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha.
> Packbell was too, inwardly. As the two followed the beleaguered
CROW: Ooo, vocab word!
> 10-year-old, they were themselves being tailed by
MIKE: Cute little girls selling cookies.
BOTS: Awwww.
> Scratch, Grounder, and
> Coconuts.
MIKE: OK, cute little bots selling cookies.
BOTS: Awwww.
> Scratch went to see what was in that trunk and was promptly
> electrocuted.
MIKE: OK, cute little bots getting blasted.
BOTS: Owwww.
> Smart thinking, Crockett. Waitaminute, what's that bamfing
ALL: [ snicker ]
> in?
> A falcon with a red cape appeared out of nowhere.
CROW: Isn't that illogical? I mean, everything has to come from *somewhere*.
> It was Lutherain,
ALL: [ snicker ]
MIKE: Well, this fanfic may suck, but at least it's entertaining.
> the familiar
MIKE: Then how come we don't know him?
> of Sonia Hedgehog, someone Packbell knows too well; after all,
TOM: How cute. They used to date.
> he was the one that did the half-done roboticization on her.
CROW: So?
> The falcon
> swooped down and nestled on Davey's shoulder. I'll be damned.
ALL: We'll help.
> Sonia's
> warming up on him? This I've gotta see. Packbell leapt to the rooftops and
> followed the entire scene unfolding.
TOM: Let it unfold without us. Please.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: OK, I've got it. The Jolly Green Giant's vaulting pole.
>
> Melanie was joined by Antoine as Davey stopped by a Card and Flower
> shop and telepathically
TOM: Oh, great, now he's telepathic!!
> said to Lutherain.
CROW: Said what?
MIKE: [ Davey ] I just let one.
> 'I
CROW: [ Davey ] Suck.
MIKE: Oh, so we've got quotes for telepathy but not thought?
> wanna get something for Suni,
> but I don't know what. Any suggestions, Luth?'
TOM: [ Lutherain ] How 'bout red fox repellent? She was telling me she wanted
some of that.
> 'Oh, the usual. Flowers, perfume, a card . . . I'd say candies, buy
MIKE: Low, sell high?
> it's a bit warm for that. Wine's out too, with Suni being a minor still. I
> was wondering, Dave, what would you do back home when you fall in love?'
> 'Heck,
MIKE: I am Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light! Do not take the name of Heck in
vain!
CROW: Yeah, and that goes for me too!
MIKE: Who're you supposed to be?
CROW: Steve, Prince of Rapidly Waning Luminosity.
> I'd just spray paint her name on a water tower.'
MIKE: Wouldn't the Warners complain?
> Lutherain crackled out loud. He's heard Davey's 'redneck' routines
> before. He especially likes the 'Redneck Test' created by this Jeff
> Foxworthy
CROW: This Jeff Foxworthy, that Jeff Foxworthy, everywhere a Jeff Foxworthy
Jeff Foxworthy.
TOM: [ chanting ] We are not Foxworthy! We are not Foxworthy!
> guy to find out if you are one, since you can't tell by listening
> for accents. If you can answer 'Yes' to at least seven of these questions,
> then you just might be
MIKE: Crow T. Robot.
CROW: Heey!
> a redneck. If you can't count that far,
MIKE: You're *definitely* Crow T. Robot!
CROW: HEY!!
> you get an
CROW: Honorary job as a fanfic author!
> automatic mention. . .
>
> "Oui," Antoine interjected
TOM: Eww.
> into the shared musings. "Would you like
> zome flowerz or ze candeez for the girl of your dreamz, or
MIKE: [ Antoine ] Don't you dream at all?
> will you zettle
> for ze Krylon?"
> Davey laughed. "Nah, Ant. There's no overpasses around Knothole. . .
> A-ha." He eyed a bottle of Mystic brand perfume that was within his budget.
> "This will do." He had it gift-wrapped with a card included. He signed it
TOM: "Some dork".
> with a racoon tail. 'That'll show Suni who's that from. Who else wears a
> coontail cap--waitaminute, what's that outside?'
TOM: It's a bird!
CROW: It's a plane!
TOM: No, it's a bird!
CROW: It's a plane, you dunce!
MIKE: No, it's an elephant, I'm sure of it!
> Sonic was found dressed up as a mall cop, harassing a robot chicken,
> monkey, and toy tank. 'The bot's names are Scratch, Coconuts, and Grounder,
CROW: So one bot has three names?
TOM: Why not? Davey has 17.
> respectively. They're known as the S.S.S.S.S.Squad.'
> 'S.S.S.S.S. Squad?'
MIKE: They're snakes in disguise.
> 'Super Stinky Smelly Stupid Slow-Mo Squad.'
> 'Good one, Lutherain.'
ALL: [ monotone ] Ha ha ha. It is funny. We laugh at it. Ha ha ha.
> "Waitaminute! We're not stupid!
CROW: Just 'cause we can't open childproof bottles, and testers have to dig
for our IQs, and we can't spell "three", and we need help putting on our
underpants, and we all think two plus two is eleventeen, that doesn't
mean we're stupid!
> That's no mall cop, that's Sonic!"
> "Get him!"
> "Oh-oh, Sonic's been 'made.'"
ALL: Ewww!!
> Three robots piled on Sonic, who merely wiggled out of the heap of
> metal as the bots argued it out amongst themselves for about 15 seconds.
CROW: Y'know, physical humor just doesn't translate well into text.
MIKE: Or it could just not be funny at all.
> Davey handed the present to Antoine. "Hold this, Ant. This won't take
> more than a minute."
MIKE: [ Davey ] I just tie the string to your tooth, the other end to my
hovercycle...
> "Good luck, mon ami."
MIKE: [ Antoine ] What should I put on your tombstone, er, I mean, see you
when you get back!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: Jack and the, er, Leafless Beanstalk.
>
> Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop-Clop. . .
CROW: [ Monty Python-esque ] Someday we'd better get ourselves actual horses.
> Three bots noticed the approaching footsteps and looked up at the tall
> orange fox
TOM: Isn't he supposed to be a red fox?
MIKE: You expected continuity?
TOM: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
> entering the fray. "Hey, my man--er, hedgehog. These bot's
> giving you crap?" The fox looked like he means business by the way he was
TOM: <gag, gag>
> dressed;
CROW: [ Davey ] Wha-- Little Bo Peep?! Where's my Means Business outfit?
> an 'uniform' he got himself in the stores:
TOM: I'm afraid to ask...
> Earthling Levis tucked
> into boots. Two laser pistols holstered at the hips and The Power Rifle--
> another toy he brought with himself over The Void, if anyone in the scene
> cared to ask--
MIKE: Oh yeah, forgot to give him a weapon, so just say he got one way
earlier!
CROW: It's Standard Plot Contrivance #75.
TOM: What's #76?
CROW: "Kidnapping of boy/girlfriend."
> behind the back. The Y-shaped suspenders with the Acorn icon
TOM: Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon! Acorn icon!
CROW: Stop.
MIKE: Repeat it endlessly! Annoy your friends! Lose your job! Get expelled! Be
put up for adoption!
CROW: Stop it!
TOM: Acorn icon. Acone icron. Racone icnon. Nacone ricron.
CROW: STOP IT!!
TOM: [ muttered ] Ranecone nicron.
> in the middle. The cyborg left arm expanded into 'Combat Mode.' And then
> the eyes, ruby quartz red and glowing like a pair of sunsets.
CROW: Hey, guys, we switched from Blood and Metal to Redneck Rampage!
TOM: Awright!
MIKE: Somebody whack Bubba with a crowbar!
> Davey
> Crockett thought of colored contacts, but Suni thought they looked cool
> enough the way they are; they reminded her of Scott Summers' eyeballs.
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea who Scott Summers is.
> "Hey, nothing I can't handle, Big Daddy. I can handle these Badniks
> any old day."
> "Then would you mind if I join you?
CROW: [ Davey ] I've got "boogie fever"! Boogie with me, blue man!
> If I don't kill at least one bot
> in a day, I'm afraid I'll just spoil."
> "H-h-h-h-hey," Scratch stammered, as he almost figured out who's just
> joining in the game. "Y-y-you're not that new--"
> "Yes, I am." Crockett advanced toward the robot chicken.
MIKE: Chicken limbo's the one! Big fun!
CROW: Ca-a-all for Robot Chicken!
TOM: Buckaw!
> Sonic
> smiled. "Check this out Tails, the good part's coming up. This is where
> robot parts start flying and the oil starts spray--" Suddenly, Sonic looked
> surprised. "Behind you, Dave!"
MIKE: [ Sonic ] Dave, your behind!
> The feeling was mutual in Lutherain. Oh, crud. It's Packbell!!
> Neither of them got a chance to finish their lines before Packbell
> dropped on top of Davey Crockett and sunk his arms around Davey's head in a
> sleeper hold!
CROW: [ Packbell ] I've always loved you.
TOM: And now, for your viewing displeasure, a demonstration of Standard Plot
Contrivance #76.
> "Think you could just waltz into the place and save the
> world, Rookie? Can't have that from my side, mister. Imagine what Suni
> would feel with her newly-beloved cyborg boyfriend being delivered to her in
> a pizza box? Heh-heh-heh-heh!"
MIKE: Well, that's what she'd *say*.
> All of the sudden, Davey's eyes glow red. Gritted teeth show a new surge
MIKE: Energy *SURGE*!!
> of
> hardness.
BOTS: Ewwww!!
MIKE: Guys...
> If you look closely, text caqn
ALL: [ chuckle ]
TOM: Does Davey even know the word "spell-check"?
CROW: Maybe it's supposed to be "Cajun"!
MIKE: Oh, great, an X-Men crossover.
> be seen on his left arm, the same text that
> glares in his vision.
CROW: Do you want to, or shall I?
MIKE: Let's do it together.
TOM: OK! One, two, three--
ALL: BITE ME, DAVEY!!
> Davey Crockett is now in "Kick Bot Mode:"
ALL: [ snicker ]
>
> ALERT---UNIT UNDER ATTACK BY:
TOM: Two robots and one human.
> ANDROID DESIGNATE: PACKBELL
CROW: Gateway.
MIKE: Dell.
TOM: Macintosh.
CROW: Mac-boy.
TOM: Bite me.
MIKE: Stop now.
BOTS: Bite us.
> METHOD OF ATTACK: SUBMISSION HOLD
CROW: S&M?
MIKE: Crow, no.
> BLOOD FLOW TO CPU RESTRICTED TO 75%
ALL: Woo-hoo!
> REINFORCING NECK REGION TO COMPENSATE...
>
> Davey's neck begins to expand under Packbell's arms.
TOM: Eww!
CROW: His head soon followed suit.
> The android
> notices this: "What the Phrack?"
>
> BLOOD FLOW STABILIZING
> BODY BANK STATUS:
TOM: Foreclosed.
> FULLY CHARGED
> SUGGESTED PLAN: BREAK PACKBELL'S HOLD
MIKE: Well, duuuh.
CROW: Gee, ya think?!
> SUGGESTED ACTION: JACK HIS JAW
CROW: Jack his jaw! Thwap it, punch it, smack it! Hit it, even!
> PROCESSING...
TOM: General protection fault.
MIKE: Bad command or file name.
CROW: (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail?
>
> Davey grabbed Packbell's head with both hands, moved that head above
> his own, and dropped to his posterior. Davey's head got in the way of
> Packbell's jaw.
CROW: Guh-fwa?
TOM: What just happened there?
MIKE: My head hurts.
> "OW!" He
MIKE: Who?
CROW: Wha?
> let one arm go to nurse his chin.
CROW: Bottle or--
MIKE: [ fake sneeze ] Achoo.
CROW: Uh, never mind.
>
> DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 10%
TOM: From one stupid jaw-thwack?!
> BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 82%
CROW: Right.
> SUGGESTED ACTION: SHOULDER TOSS
MIKE: Sure thing.
> AMPLIFYING PULSE AND ...
TOM: We're with you.
> PROCESSING...
CROW: Uh-huh.
>
> Davey grabbed Packbell again
CROW: Ewwww!
MIKE: Crow, just... oh, forget it.
> and threw him over his robot shoulder,
> landing the droid
TOM: [ R2D2 ] Bleep-bloop!
> three meters in front of the borg.
TOM: We are Cheech and Chong of Borg! Come on! We can assimilate you, and we
can smoke all of this bag together! What do you say? Grab the bong!
CROW: I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. Division is futile.
MIKE: I am Ernie of Borg. You will be assimilated into a rubber ducky.
>
> DAMAGE TO PACKBELL: 15%
TOM: So when he got hit in the jaw it was 10%, but he got thrown three meters
and that's only 5%?
CROW: Yeah, and 15% of what?!
MIKE: Maybe it really is Redneck Rampage!
CROW: More like Duke Nukem 3D.
TOM: Or maybe Mortal Kombat.
CROW: If only it was Tomb Raider.
TOM: [ Homer Simpson ] Mmm... Lara Croft...
> BODY BANK STATUS: RECHARGING AT 75%
TOM: And without a single medipack.
> SWITCHING TO POWER RIFLE:
CROW: Yeah.
> TARGETING MODE:
MIKE: Okay.
> <Crosshairs appeared in Davey's field of vision, moving on Packbell and
> locking on.>
TOM: Whatever.
> PACKBELL TARGETED...
CROW: Get on with it!
MIKE: You do realize what you're saying.
CROW: Oops. Take your time!
>
> Davey looked down Packbell through rifle sights,
TOM: Oh, nice going, Crow! You jinxed it!
CROW: Shut up, bubblehead!
> "Deliver me to Sonia
> in a pizza box, eh?
TOM: [ Davey ] Fine by me!
> I can't have that, can I? Maybe I should give her your
> head with that perfume?"
CROW: Oh, very romantic. A robot head.
MIKE: Hey, I gave a robot head to Ginger for her birthday once.
TOM: Er...
[ Crow and Tom look at Mike and scoot away. ]
MIKE: Guys, I was *kidding*.
> He them turned to the other three bots. "I may be
> new to Mobius, but last time I checked,
MIKE: [ Davey ] You're supposed to wear pants on your *legs*.
> hazing is a felony."
> "H-H-How'd you know?"
TOM: [ Davey ] Er, lucky guess?
> "About the hazing? Scratch, you're addressing someone with one arm in
> cyberspace,
MIKE: One arm in Topeka.
> one eye in virtual reality!
TOM: One eye off and one eye on.
> Anything going through Mobius'
> Information Superhighway I see and hear omnisciently!
CROW: Ahem. Omniscient, adjective. Having universal knowledge or knowledge of
all things; infinitely knowing.
TOM: Anyone else see a discrepancy here?
> Snivley can't even
> sneeze without me noticing!!
MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, there he goes now!
> In fact, I knew where all four of you were the
> moment I stepped in here, but I didn't want to make a scene!"
ALL: Ri-i-ight.
> "Whoa." "If 'Information is Power'. . . "
CROW: Davey is wussier than Wesley Crusher?
MIKE: I did that one earlier.
> "Sacre Bleu Cheez!
ALL: [ snicker ]
> Hez an
TOM: [ Antoine ] Fez!
> electronic onmipath!"
CROW: Huh, *onmi*path?
> "Must be awfully crowded in his head."
CROW: Let's just skip this one.
> "So you think you're a god, eh?"
ALL: [ Davey ] Yes.
> Packbell's right arm morphs into a
> gun. "Let's see you die and come back in three days!!"
ALL: Yes, let's!
> "Go lube yourself, Packie!"
MIKE: Okay, now this definitely deserves an "Ew".
ALL: Ewww!
> Davey opened fire,
TOM: Hey, when ya play with fire, yer gonna get BURNED!!
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh heh heh, FIRE!!
> punching a hole in
> Packbell's right arm, which
MIKE: Shouted, "Owie owie owie!"
> flowed back in one piece liquidly. "What the
> phrack are you?! The T-1000?!?"
TOM: "?!?"?
CROW: Better than "_-_".
TOM: [ spasms ]
> "Who's the T-1000, rookie?"
MIKE: It's Mr. T on steroids!
TOM: [ Mr. T ] I *pity* the fool who tries to blast *my* arm!
>
CROW: A word of warning.
> WARNING
CROW: OK, I'm done.
MIKE: Hey, you peeked!
> --PACKBELL HAS TARGET LOCK
TOM: OK, sure.
> SWITCHING POWER RIFLE TO PATRIOT MODE
CROW: Hey, yeah, it's "tar-and-feather mode".
>
> "Never mind. . ."
>
> Packbell opened with a barrage of laser fire at Davey, but his return
> volley took out all of Packbell's shots before they reached a meter.
ALL: [ snort ]
MIKE: I wish we could figure out something to say besides snorting or
snickering.
CROW: Well, how 'bout: [ announcer ] And it's a volley to Packbell, who swings
his racket, and-- wow! The ball flies past the net and right over
Davey's head!
MIKE: Good!
CROW: Thanks.
> ". . . Private joke."
CROW: New Joke Lite(tm)! Not funny, but private, and it's better for you!
> Packbell was impressed. "Your reaction time is non-existent, Dave.
MIKE: Meaning he doesn't react.
> Are you perhaps an android like myself?"
TOM: [ Butthead ] Uh... I dunno.
> "Only that anyone even partially robotic are, Packbell."
MIKE: My head *really* hurts.
> Davey set the
> rifle on a magnetic strap on his holster belt. "But if you think that I was
> created artificially, you are dead wrong." Borg
TOM: I am Geraldo of Borg. On today's show, people who have been assimilated,
and the women who love them.
MIKE: I am Popeil of Borg. Get assimilated, while supplies last!
CROW: I am Apple Newton of Borg. You w1l1 be assImiIated by an aut0mat1c
hendwr1t1ng reoogn1ti0n 5ystam.
> and droid charged each
> other. "My heart is flesh."
CROW: [ Davey ] It's all squishy.
> Davey throws a punch into Packbell's guts.
> "My spirit, human." An uppercut snaps back the head.
TOM: Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots!
> "And my mind. . . "
> Davey lifts Packbell up high above
MIKE: This blade of grass.
> his head. "Beyond comprehension!"
ALL: YA GOT THAT RIGHT!!
> He
> throws his victim into Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts.
>
> CURRENT POWER LEVELS INSUFFICIENT IN
MIKE: Heating water to boiling point, then letting potatoes simmer.
> NEUTRALIZING THREAT:
> MORE POWER REQUIRED.
ALL: [ Tim Allen ] More power! <grunt>
> NEAREST SOURCE:
CROW: That big waffle over there.
TOM: A power socket?
MIKE: Ten bucks says he sticks his tongue in it.
> SONIC'S POWER RING
>
> "Sonic," Davey shouts with a headlock on Packbell, "pass the ring!"
CROW: [ grunting ]
> Sonic reaches for the ring and fades back and forth, trying to find a
> good throwing position. "No good, dude, I'm blocked."
MIKE: [ Sonic ] I'm made completely of Legos!
> "Try for a bank shot . . ."
> <The view flashed into virtual reality polygons and moved up to the air.
ALL: [ obviously bored ] Wow...
> Looking down, several paths were flashed
CROW: Yick!
> until one is decided on.>
> ". . . Off the fountain, behind Antoine, between Scratch and Grounder,
TOM: Over the arches, off Grimace's head...
MIKE: Past the Rockies, under New York City...
CROW: Up Davey's--
MIKE: CROW!
> nothing but
TOM: Nothing.
> net!"
> Sonic throws.
CROW: Crow chucks.
TOM: Tom tosses.
MIKE: Mike messes.
ALL: And all alliterate!
> Packbell frees himself from Davey's hold.
> Off the Fountain. Sonic gets sacked by Scratch.
CROW: Sheesh. Sonic sucks in this story! And soon, SuperDavey saves his stupid
spines.
MIKE: [ claps ]
CROW: [ bows ] Thank you, thank you.
> Davey gives Packbell
> a good hard kick in the crouch.
MIKE: [ flinches ]
CROW: So Packbell was squatting on the ground, waiting for Davey to kick him?
TOM: He didn't actually mean "crouch" with a *u*.
CROW: Ohhh.
> Every male in the scene holds their own in
CROW: Battle.
> pain.
TOM: [ Butthead ] Huh-huh-huh, that was cool. A robot got kicked in the nads,
and a bunch of people grabbed their crotch.
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, yeah. It'd suck if it was us getting kicked,
though.
TOM: [ Butthead ] Heh, you got nothing to kick.
CROW: [ Beavis ] Heh-heh-heh, hm, yeh, uh... shut up, dumbass.
> Behind Antoine. "Yiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!" "I got it!" "No, I got it!"
TOM: Eeeyuck!!
CROW: That is *disgusting*!!
MIKE: Guys, they meant the Power Ring. The *Power* *Ring*!
> Davey re-grabs his
BOTS: Yuuck!!
MIKE: POWER RING!! POWER RING!!
> Power
MIKE: See? Power Ring!
> Rifle.
MIKE: Oh.
> Between Grounder . . . He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . .
> Grounder's arm is shot off.
CROW: [ flinches ]
> . . . and Coconuts. He reaches for the ring. . . BLAM! . . . Coconuts'
> arm is shot off.
TOM: ... and Tom. He can't reach for the ring... BLAM!... Tom's head
explodes.
MIKE: Don't even joke about that.
> Davey scrambles to receive the ring. Packbell tries to block. Davey's
> left arm gets in Packbell's face
CROW: Man, Davey'd better not say "Bite me" right now!
> as the right arm reaches out for the
TOM: Baby wipes.
MIKE: [ Dr. Peanut ] I could use a lot of these; I just smelled myself.
CROW: You do his voice well.
> magical golden hoop . . .
CROW: You mean the Power Ring?
MIKE: Let's not jump to conclusions.
TOM: I'm having a red emerald flashback.
> ". . . and the catch is . . . . . "
MIKE: Sucky?
> "GOOD!!! ALRIGHT, BIG DADDY!! GO RAMS!! GO RAMS!!!"
BOTS: GO RAM IT!! GO RAM IT!!
> Nova. Packbell gets thrown back. The sound of a tornado. The fur a
> fiery gold. The eyes a blinding
CROW: Heh, get it, guys? Eyes? Blind? It's a joke!
MIKE, TOM: Yeah, whatever.
> white.
CROW: The fart a tasty green.
TOM: The corpse a bloody red.
MIKE: The story a crap-filled brown.
>
> NECESSARY POWER LEVEL ACHIEVED
> TARGETING PACKBELL.....
MIKE: [ Davey ] Hey, where'd he go?
CROW: [ Sonic ] He's right behind you, waiting for you to finish.
TOM: <sword swing, slice>
>
> <a large and red 'FINISH HIM!' can be seen>
ALL: [ snort ]
CROW: I don't believe this. It actually *is* Mortal Kombat.
TOM: He's got the crummy spelling down.
CROW: You mean "krummy".
MIKE: And the unbelievably stupid characters.
CROW: "Kharacters."
> A chant of 'FINISH
MIKE: The story, for crying out loud!
CROW: "Krying".
> HIM!' can be heard from the chanting crowd.
> "SEE YOU IN HELL, PACKIE!"
CROW: [ Packbell ] Not if I see you first.
TOM: [ Packbell ] Oh, you will, believe me.
> "oh, sh--"
MIKE: --ut your trap, Davey?
TOM: --oot, I forgot my capital O?
CROW: --itake mushrooms?
> Davey pulls the trigger.
>
[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 4a of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading