MiSTed - I Swear! Everything on TV is Geared to Feminizing Males! (2/2)

24 views
Skip to first unread message

Bill Livingston

unread,
Sep 7, 1998, 3:00:00 AM9/7/98
to
[THEATER - All enter. Mike is still "Myke"]

CROW: Hey, um, guys.
MYKE: I'm not speaking to you!
CROW: Look, I'm sorry about the whole propositioning thing, okay.
MYKE: Well-l-l-l - okay, forget it. Just remember, "No" means "No".

> *-*-* Third included USENET posting starts here -*-*-

SERVO: Oh, joy.

>> Let's get one thing straight--I am not "defending" myself to you and
>> your insane allegations about women. I am going to take a wild guess
>> here and bet that you are a white supremacist.

SERVO: I'll take a piece of that action.

>> If I am wrong, I
>> apologize for the insult. However, your racial slurs, obvious hatred of
>> strong women, and inane comments bring me to this conclusion.

CROW: Wait, who is this talking?
MYKE: I don't know, but I like her already.

>
>
>Well, its seems that I am taking a lot of heat for my presentation
>of the male/female issue, or should I say, problem.

CROW: No, actually, you shouldn't.

> I don't think
>that I am nearly as extreme as the males in many, many other cultures.

MYKE: But you're obviously working on it.

>What would you say about those males and their approach to the female
>problem? I would say that they are enlightened.

SERVO: Yeah, but he'd probably say that Caligula was a "Merry Prankster".

> I say that they
>value their male gender sovereignty and are out to preserve it lest
>they become feminized per your whacked-out notions.

CROW: Well, it worked on Nelson.
MYKE: Thanks for reminding me of my pain, Tom!

>
>You can't talk about nigrification without being called "racist;"
>you can't talk about Judification without being called "anti-Semitic;"
>and you can' talk about feminization without being called
>"misogynistic."

MYKE: And there's a reason for all that, y'know

>Well, you may have come a long way, baby,

CROW: Just look at the lung cancer rates!

> BUT the people who are
>protesting the above processes will no longer cringe at being the
>object of words-as-weapons and will no longer kowtow to the ones
>who hurl them!

CROW: "Kowtow"? That's udderly ridiculous!
SERVO: Oh, you're just milking it now.
MYKE: Yeah - let's just moo-ve along.

>
>
>> I will not debate this topic with someone as uneducated and close-
>> minded as yourself.
>
>Well, if that is not a stereotypical tactic of a female, then
>I don't know what is!

ALL: You don't know what is!

> Anyway, the translation is: "I'm all
>out of ammunition for any kind of rebuttal so my best bet is
>to denigrate the opposition and skedaddle."

SERVO: Oh, man! And "skedaddle" was one of my favorite words, too!
MYKE: Well, it's out now - too much association with this.
SERVO: Grrr! Thank you so *bloody* much, Usenet!

>
>I'll have you know that I am very highly educated having gone
>through the feminization process known as college and graduate
>school (which in the past were not nearly so feminizing.)

CROW: That must have been before they added the doctorate degrees in
hat parties and transvestism.

>I'll also have you know that I was once very broad minded

SERVO: Too easy
CROW: Like shooting mice in a barrel

> about
>allowing females opportunities to contribute and prove themselves.
>However, after I overdosed on the perverse side effects of the
>female influence on society,

MYKE: He should've listened when they told him he couldn't wear crinolines

> I made an about-fact.

[All snicker]

> When the
>person least expected to write in my terms does so, then it is
>time to take pause and evaluate the situation.

SERVO: And call in the counterfeiting squad.

> By the way,
>look to the world of music,

CROW: Young graduate!

> specifically the punk rockers and
>devil worshiping types. That sort of thing emerged from the
>darkest crevices of some female's id,

SERVO: [Tommy Smothers] There were poomas down in the cravices!

> and never would have become
>mainstream-prevalent if it were not for the influence of the
>liberated females on society.

MYKE: Like Marilyn Manson and Alice Cooper! I - oh, wait!

> Females gravitate to the inferior.
>Females gravitate to bad boy/loser types. Females gravitate
>to decadence and that which is perverse.

CROW: Saaaaay....
MYKE: Forget it!
CROW: I wasn't gonna say anything!

> Just look to the
>societal prominence of such things as astrology and the Psychics'
>Friends Network which are female things,

CROW: I knew he was going to say that.

> and the constant
>promotion of this crapola on TV is influencing the males and
>feminizing them in these respects.

MYKE: Y'know, "crapola" is a very interesting word, too.
SERVO: It's not as good as "skedaddle", though.
CROW: At least there are no appeals to the "intelligensia" in here.

>
>
>> You sound like a person filled with hate, and I pity you.

SERVO: He sounds like a person filled with crap, and I laugh at him.

>
>Hmmm, sounds like a TV talk show tactic.

MYKE: Maybe he's just bitter because he got bumped by Helen Kushnick
or something.

> Spotlight a problem
>and the proponents of the subject matter lash out at you with
>characterizations of being a hate filled person.

MYKE: Unless it's Springer. Then they lash out at you with chairs.

> More words-as-
>weapons!! So what? You've already been told that we don't care
>about malignment any more!

CROW: I don't care about apathy!

>
>
>> I pity you not just because of your beliefs which mean that you
>> will alienate yourself from wonderful people, but also because
>> those "freewheeling bitches" you refer to could take you to new
>> heights of ecstasy.

ALL: Oh, *wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ow!!!!!*

>
>Sounds like an old story. This ecstasy is pretty similar to a
>certain apple in a certain garden of paradise, isn't it?

MYKE: And then, $150 million in hand, Bill Gates showed up.

> What a
>stereotypical female you are!

CROW: Said the selfsame stereotyper!

> Shame on you for playing your "pussy"
>card

ALL: BOOO!
SERVO: Speaking of "shame"...

> to bring down the male population and also to bring down their
>garden of paradise to primitive levels.

MYKE: Because, as we all know, girls have girl germs, and sex is dirty
and bad and wrong.

>
>
>> Just one of the many advantages of being with a woman who controls
>> her own destiny--so to speak.
>
>Females have proven themselves beyond a shadow of a doubt to be
>totally irresponsible at controlling their own destiny,

SERVO: Good thing men are so much better at it.
CROW: Yeah, when's the last time you saw a guy who was a total loser?

> and their
>track record for social engineering is deplorable.

SERVO: Hey! We all bought bananas again!

>
>To repeat:

MYKE: This is *only* a test!

> the country in the last 30+ years of government
>enforced equality has gone from being the richest nation in the
>world to being the poorest nation in the world;

CROW: Thank goodness for those foreign aid packages from Ghana and
Bangladesh!
MYKE: Those grain shipments from Somalia to Kansas were a godsend!

> we just haven't
>felt the full effects of this because we have been running on
>empty

SERVO: Starring River Pheonix

> for the longest time, that is, to say, debt.

CROW: Debt, be not proud!

>
>It looks like your societal credit card has exceeded its limit,
>dearie!

SERVO: For someone decrying the feminization of men, he sure talks a
lot like Patsy and Edina

>
> *-*-* Third included USENET posting ends here -*-*-
>

MYKE: Oh, good, we can l-

>
> *-*-* Fourth included USENET posting starts here -*-*-

ALL: YAAAHH!!!
CROW: Aw, man! We've been blindsided!

>
>> First of all, I do not believe in the existence of a "female problem".

SERVO: Well, don't tell the health & beauty aids people, for gosh sakes -
they make millions off that "not-so-fresh feeling" alone!

>> Secondly, other cultures are just that--different cultures. You are
>> comparing apples and oranges.

CROW: Mmmmm - fruit salad!

>
>No, not really! Go back a century and a half or so ago ,

MYKE: Which is apparently where he lives.

> and check
>out the culture of the Unites States back then. How we lost sight
>of our heritage, I don't know.

CROW: I think we left it unlocked with the motor running.
MYKE: [Teenager] Boy, dad's gonna kill you, Butch - you lost sight of
his Heritage!

> (But I have some ideas.)

SERVO: Not any *good* ideas, mind you...

>
>> Our culture in the United States is a
>> democracy, and it was founded on the basis of freedom which means
>> everyone is entitled to

SERVO: Their own talk show.

>> certain civil liberties. And that means
>> everyone Sir--not just men.
>
>What the h-ll does a female know about democracy?

MYKE: H-ck if I know
CROW: After the language he's used up to now, suddenly he gets prudish
on us?
MYKE: He's the self-bowdlerizing crackpot

> I'll have you know
>that all male work groups are infinitely more democratic than mixed
>gender work groups.

SERVO: Sounds more Republican to me.

> Add one female to a male group and she feminizes
>the group,

SERVO: So thanks to Mike, we'll all soon be wymyn!
MYKE: You're not helping!

> takes over as the center of attention, plays one male
>against the other,

CROW: Then wins big by betting on the point spread.

> and on and on and on... Female managers are
>autocratic, totalitarian bitches!!!

CROW: Whereas men are self-sufficient, scrupulously diligent leaders.

>
>
>> No, you can't--with good reason. These groups have been harassed and
>> oppressed long enough.

SERVO: Can I say, "The man is holdin' us back!"?
MYKE: If you think it'll do any good.
SERVO: Hmmmmm - nah!

>
>Oppressed for good reason,

CROW: Because we feel like it!

> for without oppression those lower down
>on the social totem pole will lobby for sociological inversions
>that turn the totem pole upside-down putting the formerly oppressed
>on top.

MYKE: [British] Help! I'm being oppressed!
SERVO: Okay, rule number one of oppression: never actually let them *know*
they're being oppressed! Rule two - don't directly spell out a
reason for them to overthrow you!

>
>
>> Clearly, the heat your are receiving for these
>> terms is a sign that society no longer tolerates this behavior.
>
>Translation:

CROW: "Bring me the fish of your brother Raul!"

> "Clearly, the heat your are receiving for these
>terms is a sign that a *feminized* society no longer tolerates
>this behavior."

MYKE: Oh, the old "You don't mean what you said, you mean what I said you
meant" technique of debating.

>
>
>> How is higher education feminizing pray tell?
>
>The United States educational system is one which no longer
>stresses intelligence and learning.

CROW: Well, once you get past all the metal detectors, it does.

> It is a feminized tea party
>which stresses, "Let's all get along. Let's all hold hands and
>sing, 'We Are the World,'" and such.

SERVO: Somehow, it's much more effective if you hold hands and sing
"Semi-Charmed Life". We don't know why.

> You females, even though
>you are in the majority, would never have taken control without
>exploiting your sociological alliances,

CROW: Isn't that how World War I started?

> hence the transformation
>of the educational system for that purpose and the brainwashing
>(that is) feminization of the males!

MYKE: It's time for 100 million interventions.

>
>
>> Oh, and you are highly educated and yet you did not pick up on
>> a reference to Emily Bronte--didn't you have a literature
>> requirment in high school or college? Maybe you just skipped that
>> class.

CROW: It was taking valuable time away from his beer-swilling practice
and his "He-Man Woman Haters" club.

>
>First, my major was not such a feminized area of study,

SERVO: [Big Dumb Guy] I only studied, eh, whaddayacallit, macho classics,
like Hemingway and Van Damme!

> secondly,
>I am not a repository of trivia like females who like to sweat
>minutiae.

MYKE: He's a sack of hammers, and proud of it!
CROW: Yeah, brain cells are just flaking off like dandruff.

>
>> We don't need to prove ourselves. We have proven time and time
>> again that we are as smart, as qualified, and as entitled as any man.
>
>Balderdash!

SERVO: The exciting new wordplay game from Parker Brothers!

> Show me a female who holds a patent for any device
>that may be vaguely termed high tech! Show me a female who is
>well know as a troubleshooter! Show me a female who is a master
>when it comes to classical music or classical art.

MYKE: Beverly Sills
CROW: Marian Anderson
SERVO: Kiri Te Kanawa

> Females
>are masters of pop music

SERVO: [singing] Talk about - Pop Music! Talk about - Pop Music!
CROW & MYKE: [singing] Pop-pop-pop Music. Pop-pop-pop Music.

> at best and modern art. Compare modern
>art to primitive cave art.

CROW: Give three examples. Show your work.

> The primitive cave art is more advanced
>than modern art. I am going to stop here.

SERVO: Promises, promises!

> It is not my purpose to
>reduce you to tears!

ALL: Then *shut up*!!!

>
>
>> >However, after I overdosed on the perverse side effects of the
>> >female influence on society, I made an about-fact.

SERVO: Ummm, haven't we read this already?
MYKE: Yeah, but it didn't improve any with age.

> When the
>> >person least expected to write in my terms does so, then it is
>> >time to take pause and evaluate the situation.

CROW: This thing is lapping itself!

>> > By the way,
>> >look to the world of music, specifically the punk rockers and
>> >devil worshiping types.

SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind"...

> That sort of thing emerged from the
>> >darkest crevices of some female's id, and never would have become
>> >mainstream-prevalent if it were not for the influence of the
>> >liberated females on society.

MYKE: Good morning! It's groundhog day!

>>
>> These statements are absurd. Again, show me some facts to back up
>> your allegations, or don't waste my time.

CROW: That's like asking Ludwig or John_-_Winston for facts, I think.

>
>
>You know darn well

SERVO: [singing] When you cast your spell, you'll get your way...

> that the nature of my allegations are such that
>they can't be proved,

MYKE: I can't prove anything, but I'm right, so nyah!!!

> but they can be subjected to the scientific
>concept called correlation.

SERVO: Yeah, they can also be subjected to the scientific concept
called being wadded up and slam dunked into file 13!

> Prior to females' being let out of
>their boxes and fed after midnight,

ALL: BOO!!!!
CROW: Someone tell me this isn't a real person - it's just some kind
of evil AI program gone awry.
MYKE: That would implying that there's some kind of intelligence here.
SERVO: I theory I soundly reject!

> we simply did not see the
>following social phenomena to any significant extent:
>1. Devil worshiping

MYKE: Boy, you eat *one* little apple...

>2. Addictions to sadomasochism

CROW: Beat me! Beat me!
SERVO: No!

>3. Male strippers
>4. Male prostitutes

MYKE: And these are worse than female strippers and prostitutes because?

>5. Homosexuality, transvestism, and transsexuality

SERVO: And homovestism.
MYKE: What's that?
SERVO: It's when you dress all in one color. It's a fashion crime.

>6. Hard rock music from hell
>7. Addictions to tattooing, body piercing, body branding, etc.

SERVO: It's all that one Spice Girl's fault!

>8. Road rage - uncontrolled anger being a female trait

CROW: It's swiftly becoming a robot trait, too!

>9. Fatal attractions

SERVO: Starring Michael Douglases & Glenn Closes

>10. Serial killers and cannibalism
>11. Child abuse and abductions
>12. Interracial marriages

SERVO: The hey?!?
MYKE: Yes folks, remember that the loving union of two people who have
different melanin levels is only slightly more acceptable than
actually being Jeffery Dahmer or Bruno Hauptman

>13. High divorce rates, high illegitimacy rates, etc.
>14. and on and on and on....

MYKE: We know - you just won't shut up!

>
>For crying out loud, just turn on daytime television which is
>the eptiome of feminization, and you will see nothing but
>cap

CROW: ...on the Millinery Channel - all headwear, all the time!

> from the darkest crevices of the females' id, particularly
>on TV talk shows hosted by none other than FEMALES!

SERVO: Rosie and Oprah are so-o-o obviously Gozer's Gatekeepers!

> I shudder
>to think what this influence is doing to the minds of pre-
>school toddlers particularly the males!

CROW: More proof Head Start is a pawn of Trilateralist Feminazis!

>
>
>> So females gravitate to the inferior bad boy loser types? Hmm, I am
>> assuming you don't place yourself in this catagory. Does this mean
>> that you are celibate

ALL: [singing] Celibate - Celibate - Dance to the music!

>> --i.e., no women gravitate to you because of your
>> superiority? That's an original excuse--I'll have to remember that one.

SERVO: Maybe you should write that down too, Mike.
CROW: Not that you need it anymore.
MYKE: You two just love rubbing ground glass into every level of my
wounded psyche, don't you?
SERVO & CROW: Yep.

>
>I already indicated that I as an individual have no bearing on
>what is happening in greater society nor on the reasons for those
>phenomena! Why do you try to obfuscate by pointing to me as
>a diversionary tactic?

MYKE: He's obviously never heard the phrase "Consider the source".
CROW: He's obviously never heard lots of things!

>
>
>> Please, don't blame females because men can't keep their pants zipped.
>> I have certainly never read any documented cases of a man being raped
>> by a woman.
>
>Females are blameworthy if they exploit a certain weakness on the
>part of males, and they have been doing this since the beginning of
>time.

SERVO: It's their fault for going around being women all the time!

> Woman-on-male rape need not be established. Being over-
>aggressive in the sex department is enough, and the liberated
>female is most definitely overaggressive in that area always
>shoving her offerings in the faces of males.

CROW: Ummmmmmmmmm...
SERVO: Better not

>
>
>> When did the female population gain control of the government?
>
>When the White House was opened with the President's executive
>office in close proximity to the First Lady.

SERVO: Actually, that's the last thing *this* President wants

> Another milestone
>was women's suffrage, which women wanted for the sole purpose
>of voting contrary to their husbands in order to make their
>feminizing mark on the government and on society at large.

CROW: So - bitter much, then?

>
>
>> And, what specifically have females done to run this nation into
>> the ground?

MYKE: Oh, good, an essay question!
SERVO: Yeah, put down your pencils and break out your shovels.

>
>The majority female electorate has been voting in feminized male
>politicians who were molded in the image and likeness of the
>whacked-out notion of maleness which females possess in their
>mixed-up minds.

SERVO: So, all women are a single-minded, monolithic voting bloc?
CROW: Sure. Just look at Molly Yard and Phyllis Schlaffley.
MYKE: Ann Richards and Kaye Bailey Hutchison? Peas in a pod.

> These politicians, in order to continue pleasing
>the females (that is, by being subservient to females), ushered
>in liberalized institutions that sent this country into a
>tailspin right down to primitiveness.

MYKE: Obviously, since the first President elected after universal suffrage
was, er, Warren G. Harding.

>
>
>> In the past decade or so, women have just begun to make strides in
>> equality...
>
>Bullcrap.

SERVO: Horse hockey!
MYKE: Sheep dip!
CROW: Llama scat!

> This just goes to demonstrate that females are pigheaded
>in their insistence to be illogical. Forcing a state of equality
>between two things that are simply unequal is the height of illogic.

CROW: Somewhere, Leonard Nimoy is cringing in horror!

>
>
>> Men control 99% of the corporations in America, men control the
>> government, and men still control religions.
>
>The above is a most misleading statement. It should have been
>worded:

SERVO: "I will not buy this tobacconist, it is scratched."

> "*Feminized* men control 99% of the corporations in America,
>*feminized* men control the government, and *feminized* men still
>control religions,"

MYKE: For example, Pope John RuPaul

> because only feminized men would kowtow to
>political correctness, to a tyrannical government which enforces
>political correctness, to females, and to a matriarchal society!

MYKE: And to a whacked-out feminization of savings - at MENARDS!
SERVO: Or, in this case, WOMENARDS!

>
> *-*-* Fourth included USENET posting ends here -*-*-
>
>

CROW: Is that it? Are we done?
SERVO: Looks like it.
MYKE: None too soon, I might add.
SERVO: Let's get out of here.
[All exit]

o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6

[SOL Bridge]
CROW: Well, that was gratuitously unpleasant.
SERVO: Still, it's interesting to note that there are still living
Neanderthals
CROW: Yeah, and- [stops and sniffs the air] Hey, do you two smell
something - I dunno, pleasantly alluring?
SERVO: [Sniffs] Yeah, I do. Come to think of it, I smelled it in
the theater, too.
CROW: It's almost like perfume.
SERVO: Yeah, but why would any of us be wearing perf-

[Tom & Crow stop and stare at Myke]

MYKE: *Sigh* Okay, okay, it's me. Gypsy let me use some of her
Jovan Musk. I - I put a little dab behind each ear.
[Long pause]
MYKE: And - and on my wrists.
[Very long pause]
MYKE: Um, and - well, and a little between my, um, my, my br-
SERVO & CROW: YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MYKE: Guys, guys, guys - between my brows! My brows!
CROW: Oh.
SERVO: Mike, I hesitate to bring this up, but this whole woman-being
business of yours is starting to scaring us.
MYKE: I'm sorry, guys, but I feel very disconnected from my masculinity
at the moment! And reading that little screed didn't help any - I
mean, why would I want to be the same gender as *that* person?
CROW: She's - I mean, *he's* got a point.
MYKE: And it's getting worse - I have this weird, unnatural urge!
SERVO: To go try on dresses?
MYKE: Worse.
CROW: To paint your toenails?
MYKE: Worse.
SERVO: Mike, no! Not -
MYKE: Yes! I - I feel like watching Lifetime!
CROW: Fight it, Mike, fight it!
MYKE: I'm really trying, but - but I have this almost overwhelming
desire to scarf a carton of Haagen-Dazs and cry my eyes out over
some movie starring Lindsey Wagner!
CROW: That's it, we've got to get the real Mike back before this goes too
far!
SERVO: Okay, Mike, look, there have been some very prominent, important
and emulatable males in history.
CROW: Yeah, I mean, Gandhi was a guy.
SERVO: And so was Dr. Martin Luther King.
CROW: And Thomas Jefferson.
SERVO: And Charlemagne.
CROW: And Marc McGwire.
SERVO: And Victor Borge.
CROW: Besides, you currently belong to the same gender as Amy Fischer.
SERVO: And Lizzie Borden.
CROW: And Jezebel.
SERVO: And Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon Emerson Winchester.
CROW: And Pearl!
SERVO: And think about this - if you stay a woman, there's always the chance
that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy will hit on you!
CROW: Or that Newt Gingrich or Strom Thurmond will disempower you!

[Myke blinks and sways for a second]

SERVO: Feel better?
MYKE: Yeah, much more like my old self. In fact, I feel like watching
the Braves/Brewers game and slurping down a chili-cheese-kraut dog!
CROW: Well, we're half-way there.
MYKE: That's great, but the other half is still - well, female.
SERVO: Okay, hold on! [Servo zips off]
MYKE: *sigh*
CROW: C'mon, Mike, it's not that bad.
MYKE: Easy for you to say - you're not the one facing the prospect of
wearing a bra for the first time at 30!
CROW: Well, look at it this way - even if you're a woman for the rest
of your natural life, you'll still be trapped up here with us,
watching really bad movies and reading horrible posts, and no
one will ever know your secret shame but me and Servo. And Gypsy.
Oh, and Cambot and Magic Voice. Well, and Pearl and Brain Guy
and Bobo, I guess. And anyone they bring into the castle.
And anyone they send up here, too.

[Myke glares at Crow for a second, then grabs him around the neck and
starts shaking him]

CROW: [sounding strangled] Wait - what - about - info - there?
MYKE: Huh? Oh, right. [releases Crow and looks at camera] To join the
MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail message to
majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message "subscribe
dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body. Read the FAQ, don't
work blue, et cetera, et cetera!
CROW: Good.
MYKE: Thanks. Now, as I was saying...

[Myke resumes strangling Crow. Servo zips back in with a pill in hand.]

SERVO: C'mon, Mike, time enough to kill Crow later. I've got the answer.
MYKE: [Drops Crow] Really?
SERVO: Yep. I analyzed the chemical structure of those Propecia tablets,
and put together a cure. It's Anti-pecia.
MYKE: Well, let's give it a try. [Myke pops the pill with a smile, then
collapses to the deck behind the console]
CROW: [weakly] Air!
SERVO: You don't breathe.
CROW: Oh, yeah.

[There's a cry of joy from below, and the fully male Mike emerges anew. Unfortunately, The Antipecia has worked all too well - he's now bald as a cueball!]

MIKE: It worked! I'm a guy again!
CROW: [snickering] Hey, way to go, Jean-Luc!
MIKE: [confused] Huh?
SERVO: Um, I gotta go see a horse about a man, bye! [zips off again]
MIKE: What's his problem? I was gonna thank him for- [Mike reaches up to
scratch his head, and discovers a lack of follicular matter] What
the...? SERVO!!!!! [Mike rushes off after Tom. Lights flash]
CROW: Hey, who loves ya, baby, hee hee hee!

[CF - now dry as a bone]
PEARL: Well, I hope you nertzes enjoyed your little stinkflower, because
now I, Pearl Forrester, have the key to World Domination! My water
compressor finally works!
BOBO: Well, Lawgiver, don't forget I had to take one of those SF-911 models
and tinker around with it, so I'd suggest being care-
PEARL: Yeahyeahyeah. I was going to nab the Med, but turns out Brain
Boy over there is an old fogy about safety and stuff, so we're
gonna start with something smaller.
OBSERVER: I just don't trust you-know-who's engineering skills.
PEARL: Whatever. Let's go with Lake Ontario.
OBSERVER: [exasperated] Pearl, when I said 'smaller', I meant something
a *lot* smaller.
PEARL: Oh all right, you pansy! Here, let me! [pushes Observer aside
and aims the machine herself] There, I've got it on a little
bitty pond somewhere in China - happy? Now let's get on with it!
OBSERVER: Very well. Get ready - and - 3- 2- 1- FIRE IN THE HOLE!

[The machine hums for a moment, then is quiet Pearl reaches into it and extracts a small glass of water which she places on a table]

PEARL: It works! IT WORKS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! THE WORLD IS MINE!! THE
WORLD IS- [stops] is- [Pearl realizes that the glass is shaking
fiercely] is...
BOBO: Uh-oh!
OBSERVER: Look out, it's going to blow.
ALL: DUCK!!!!

[All three dive offscreen as the container suddenly explodes in a fairly cheesy looking effect. When the smoke & water clear, the castle is empty. Suddenly we hear coughing]

OBSERVER: [now played by Beez] Oh, my aching brain!
BOBO: [now played by Jill Rozenboom] I knew that darn thing wouldn't hold!
OBSERVER: Then why did you install it, you subcompetent simian?
BOBO: Hey, I was under a lot of pressure and-

[Bobo & Observer suddenly stop and examine themselves]

BOBO: Ook! Ook! Galloping Gibbons!
OBSERVER: I *thought* that pond looked a little too familiar!
BOBO: This is horrible! I'm a she-ape! How did this - hey, you got
thingys!
OBSERVER: Shut up! Pearl? Pearl, are you here?

[Pearl steps into view. She looks very very different, but familiar. *Extremely* familiar!]

DR.F: O-o-o-oh, poopie! We've *really* got to reverse this - and fast!
Brain Gal, go get the blue prints! Monkey Woman, rustle us up
some cold water, on the double!
BOBO: Um, L-l-l-lawgiver, the castle plumbing is kind of backed up, and-
DR.F: Well, send out for it, then! [Looks at camera] Well, what are you
looking at, chowderheads?? Until next time, SOLosers!

[He hits the console, and we get a:]

*FWOOOOSH!!!*

BOBO: [over fadeout] Hey, when did we get a button?
DR.F: Will you just - D'OH!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I SWEAR! EVERYTHING ON TV IS GEARED TO FEMINIZING MALES by: Mix
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
ICED TEA: by Lipton
TWO IF BY: Sea
WHEN I DANCE THEY CALL ME: Macarena
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the original Broadway
Cast of "1776" and Kraft Mayonnaise.

Also, special thanks to:
* Paul Coddington <pa...@mail.act.apana.org.au>, whose reply to the
original posting gave me the line "I thought everything on TV was geared
towards making males look stupid, violent, and/or immature. Thanks Paul,
wherever and whoever you are.
* Special Guest Stars Bridget Jones as "Myke", Beez McKeever as "Brain
Girl", Jill Rosenboom as "Bobette", and Very Special Guest Star Trace
Bealieau as Dr. Forrester

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. -
Home of All That is Good and Beautiful.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
others is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Anyway, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

This is where the fish lives.

Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I made an about-fact.
#######################################################
bi...@Traveller.COM http:\\www.Traveller.COM\~bill
He that is of a merry heart hath
a continual feast - Prov. 15:15


hunter

unread,
Sep 7, 1998, 3:00:00 AM9/7/98
to

Bill Livingston wrote:
(hilarious MiSTing fanfic snipped)

Ahh... it was worth the time spent, the funniest non-fiction MiSTing
I've read since "Agent Action!" The host segments were
perfect: Pro and anti-pecia, Crow hitting on Myke... perfect.

I refuse to believe that that wasn't a joke rant... it saddens me
that people actually think like this...


--
"Find beauty in the banal for it is everywhere."- Bellini's teachings.

"Why fall in love when there's better things to do?"- Devo "Love
Without Anger"

"Mickey, you know lying is a sin." Rev. Snow on "Screaming
Skull."

Carl Burke

unread,
Sep 9, 1998, 3:00:00 AM9/9/98
to
Bill Livingston wrote:
...

> > and on and on and on... Female managers are
> >autocratic, totalitarian bitches!!!

I think this man got sent for coffee once too often.
...


> >I am not a repository of trivia like females who like to sweat
> >minutiae.

Oh yeah? Ask him about the '72 World Series;
let's see him worm his way out of _that_ one.

...


> > but they can be subjected to the scientific
> >concept called correlation.

I'd say correlation is not causation, but I've been feminized.
I don't even know how I got here! Would you buy me something?

...


> > Woman-on-male rape need not be established. Being over-
> >aggressive in the sex department is enough, and the liberated
> >female is most definitely overaggressive in that area always
> >shoving her offerings in the faces of males.

Oh, like "Showgirls".

...


> > These politicians, in order to continue pleasing
> >the females (that is, by being subservient to females), ushered
> >in liberalized institutions that sent this country into a
> >tailspin right down to primitiveness.
>
> MYKE: Obviously, since the first President elected after universal suffrage
> was, er, Warren G. Harding.

<Freud>
Zometimes a Teapot Dome is just a Teapot Dome.
</Freud>
...and not, like, a BREAST or something.

Ooof. Bill, you da MAN! And I mean that in the best, least
feminized, most machismically enabled way possible.

--
--------------------------------------------------
Carl Burke, cbu...@mitre.org -- le nu ko batci mi kei cu zdile
My opinions are mine and mine alone, unless you
agree with them. Then I'll share.
--------------------------------------------------
"Ah, the smell of spearmint and smoldering ruins!"
-- RATMM's OdiePal
--------------------------------------------------

M Sampo

unread,
Sep 10, 1998, 3:00:00 AM9/10/98
to
> BUT the people who are
>protesting the above processes will no longer cringe at being the
>object of words-as-weapons and will no longer kowtow to the ones
>who hurl them!

Oh, well, I can see how...HUH?? :-)

Jill Rozenboom no longer works for BBI, but otherwise BRILLIANT work, Bill.
Nice use of Castle Forrester, too! THIS is what MSTings are all about.

Sampo
-----------------------------------------------------
For complete MST3K information, turn your WWW crank to:
http://www.mst3kinfo.com
Home of the Official MST3K FAQ
------------------------------------------------------

Owenfan

unread,
Jul 2, 2021, 8:34:32 AM7/2/21
to
On Thursday, September 10, 1998 at 3:00:00 AM UTC-4, M Sampo wrote:
> > BUT the people who are
> >protesting the above processes will no longer cringe at being the
> >object of words-as-weapons and will no longer kowtow to the ones
> >who hurl them!
> Oh, well, I can see how...HUH?? :-)
> Jill Rozenboom no longer works for BBI, but otherwise BRILLIANT work, Bill.
> Nice use of Castle Forrester, too! THIS is what MSTings are all about.
> Sampo
> -----------------------------------------------------
> For complete MST3K information, turn your WWW crank to:
> http://www.mst3kinfo.com
> Home of the Official MST3K FAQ
> ------------------------------------------------------
Upon reading this, and the poster's claim that he used to believe in Women's rights, but then did an about-face, and his frequent mentions of women being catty and gravitating towards bad boys, I can't help but wonder if he was someone who was screwed over by a woman in some way, and took out his anger on the whole gender, as a result, Cause sadly, that has happened.
Reply all
Reply to author
Forward
0 new messages