MST3Kd: Oceana and $2 DOLLAR BILLS - 2/2
TV`s Spatch
annoying "paragraph breaks!" and get a letter from someone very special.
You should read Part 1 first if you haven't already done so. Duh.
- spatch -
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* ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
> >From kko...@nyx10.cs.du.edu Thu Jan 20 15:40:50 EST 1994
>
> [=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=]
>
> This is a copyrighted story that you can do anything with EXCEPT attach
> your name to it and take credit for writing it.
CROW: Hi, my name is Crow and I wrote this.
> you know who you are.
CROW: Wow, he's good!
>
> Copyright 1993 Captain Sarcastic. [kko...@nox.cs.du.edu]
MIKE: It's the adventures of Captain Sarcastic and the Rhetoric League!
TOM: Captain Sarcastic?! Oh, puh-LEASE!!
>
> [=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=][=]
CROW: Ooh, pretty.
>
> The following is a *true* story.
TOM: The names have been changed to protect the innocent!
> It amused the hell out of me while it
> was happening.
MIKE: But will probably bore the casual reader.
> I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
TOM: I think it already is.
>
CROW and TOM: Paragraph break!
MIKE: This is getting old. I refuse to do it anymore.
> On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
> need,
CROW: Oh, no, he's speaking McElwanian!!
MIKE: Who?
CROW: Don't ask.
> I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.
TOM: Of your own free will?! You're worse off than we thought!
> In my billfold is
MIKE: The passive voice, which is used irregularly.
> a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person.
CROW (intelligently): Aah, excellent, Smedley. You're learning to use
big words to say little things.
> I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat
MIKE: A lotta food for a little dough!
> and not have to
> worry about people getting pissed at me.
TOM: If you're eating at Taco Bell, that's the least of your worries.
>
TOM & CROW: Paragraph Break!
> ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
CROW: Ooh, we have dialogue. Just like watching a movie.
> IT: "Is that it?"
TOM: No, I'd also like the name of a good doctor, too.
> ME: "Yep."
> IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
MIKE: Larry Kubiak's working the cash register, I see.
> ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
TOM: We're getting a first-hand view into his thoughts, too!
CROW: [Dickweed.]
>
TOM & CROW: Paragraph Break!
MIKE: Are you going to be doing this every time we see a blank '>' ?
> At his point I open my billfold and
MIKE: He's got a gun!
ALL: LOOK OUT!!!
> hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
> kind of funny and
>
MIKE: And?
TOM & CROW: Paragraph Break!
MIKE: Okay, okay, joke's over. Stop it!
> IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
TOM: But first, a word from Burger King. What in hell you doing eating
at Taco Bell?
>
CROW & TOM: Paragraph break!
MIKE: Okay, guys, I hafta pull out the big guns now: NBC Mystery Movie.
CROW: Aie!!
TOM: Okay, okay, we'll stop.
> He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
MIKE: Of who? The cashier?
CROW: Pretty convenient!
> The
> following conversation occurs between the two of them.
TOM: Younger viewers are asked to leave the room.
>
> IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MIKE: I've seen a peanut stand, a rubber band, I've seen a needle that winked
its eye!
> MG: "No. A what?"
CROW: It's small, rectangular, and kind of green. There's a "2" on it.
> IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
TOM: Does that mean we're going steady now?
> MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
CROW: What's an emp?
MIKE: His employer?
TOM: I think he means "emphasis".
> IT: "Yeah, thought so."
MIKE: I knew it all along.
>
> He comes back to me and says
TOM: Would you like fries with that?
>
> IT: "We don't take these.
TOM: Not in _this_ county!
Do you have anything else?"
> ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
> IT: "I don't know."
ALL: Good answer! Good answer!
> ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
> IT: "Yeah."
CROW: It should say "You can accept this, stupid Taco Bell geek."
> ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
> IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
TOM: I hate these commercial interruptions.
>
> He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
> shoplift, and
MIKE: BANG! ZOOM! Right in the kisser!
>
> IT: "He says I have to take it."
TOM: And the customer is always right!
> MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
> IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
CROW: Lefty, you'll be waiting outside in the getaway car. Youse got dat?
> MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp]
TOM: AND THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL, EITHER!
> IT: "What should I do?"
MIKE: I think crying would help right about now.
> MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
CROW: Oof! That's a cheap shot.
> IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
> MG: "Just tell him."
TOM (geek voice): Okay, mister, you're a weirdo and you smell. There. I
said it.
> IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
MIKE: Cover me, Smith!
>
> The manager approaches me and says
TOM: Uh, you're a weirdo and you smell.
CROW: Already heard that!
>
> MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."
MIKE: We don't serve droids in here.
CROW: Hey! I take offense to that!
TOM: Me too!
MIKE: Geez, guys, calm down...
> [it was 8pm and
> this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
> other stores.]
TOM: He's setting up the scene in the middle of the story. Interesting way
to do it, I think.
> ME: "Well, here's a two."
MIKE: Here, have a dollar. In fact, no, brother, man, here, have two.
> MG: "We don't take *those* either."
> ME: "Why the hell not?"
CROW: We just went through this!
> MG: "I think you *know* why."
> ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
> MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ALL: Good answer!! Good answer!!
> ME: "Excuse me?"
> MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
CROW: You just said that.
TOM: Oh great, Martha, the manager's stuck again!
> ME: "What the hell for?"
> MG: "Please, sir."
MIKE (in falsetto Cockney accent): I want some more.
> ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
TOM: What would you like me to call them?
> MG: "Would you please just leave?"
> ME: "No."
> MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
> ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
CROW: Oh, that's rich.
TOM: Maybe that's why they call him Captain Sarcastic.
>
> At this point he BACKS away from me
TOM: ... running into a SHIFT key while he's at it.
> and calls mall security on the phone
> around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
MIKE: Can't you see them? They're STARING at me!
> and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
TOM: Ha! Ha! They think I'm a maniac! Ha! Ha! Can you BELIEVE that?!
> A few minutes later this
> 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
> whisper]
CROW (whispering): Hey, little boy, I got some candy for ya...
TOM: Oh, that's just sick.
>
> SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MIKE: I'm trapped in space, forced to read cheesy articles. How about you?
> MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause]
CROW: Hey, giving people [pause] is illegal in some states.
> funny money."
> SG: "Really? What?"
TOM: Well, he gave me a fiver with a picture of Jerry Seinfeld on it, and it
started telling jokes.
MIKE: Now _that's_ funny!
CROW: Ever go to Taco Bell and pass off counterfeit money? I hate it when
I do that!
> MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
MIKE: Uh, I can't find it.
> SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
TOM: [stupid]
> MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird.
MIKE: But I love him anyway.
> Says the only other thing he has is
> a fifty."
TOM: And a gun.
> SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
CROW: No, it's just blue and has "FIFTY DOLERZ" on it, why?
> MG: "NO, the $2 is."
> SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
TOM: I don't know!
ALL: THIRD BASE!
> MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
MIKE: Send him over to The Ground Round. It's "Counterfeit Night" there.
> SG: "Yeah..."
>
> Security guard walks over to me and says
TOM: Son, what we got here is a failure to communicate.
>
> SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
MIKE: Hey, don't implicate ME in all of this!
> ME: "Uh, no."
> SG: "Lemme see 'em."
CROW: No! You'll just take 'em away.
> ME: "Why?"
> SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
MIKE: Foul! No rhetoric. 15 - Love.
>
> At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE,"
TOM: The Captain Sarcastic in him shines through again I see.
> but I wanted to eat, so
> I said
CROW: Sure, please!
>
> ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
TOM: IS THAT SO WRONG??!
>
> I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
> swing at him.
MIKE: Ooh, don't hit me with that mean ol' $2 bill, sir.
TOM: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL!
> He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
CROW: What's he trying to do? Start the engine?
> and says
TOM: Sorry, son, gonna hafta confiscate this... state evidence, y'know.
>
> SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MIKE: Uh, it's got two of its corners ripped off, sir?
> MG: "It's fake."
CROW: Well, duh!
> SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
> MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
TOM: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A **$2** BILL!!
> SG: "Yeah?"
> MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
TOM: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ... oh, forget it.
>
> The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
> dawned on the guy that
CROW: He _was_ an idiot!
> he had no clue.
ALL: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah!!!
>
> My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
> things, too.
CROW: Cool! It's a burrito with everything!
MIKE: I think it's a Dagwood Burrito.
> Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
TOM: How many times I can get arrested!
> what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
> people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
CROW: And a 400-pound cellmate named "Bubba."
>
>
> --
> Captain Sarcastic <kko...@nyx10.cs.du.edu> Read alt.captain.sarcastic or die.
TOM: Oh, like I want to DIE...
> Esther! Esther! Will the snows never cease?
MIKE: Now _there's_ a digression.
CROW: No, it was more like an irrelevant tangent.
MIKE: I definitely think it was just a non-sequitur.
TOM: Cut the crap, guys, let's get out of here before he throws any more at us.
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... *
SCENE: SOL interior, duh. CROW has several cables running from his head
into the box of buttons. TOM is next to him.
TOM: Crow, are you linked into the Internet now? Okay, let's start.
Take a letter.
CROW: Okay.
TOM: Dear friends: (as he dictates we hear typing noises from CROW)
My name is Dave Sarcastic. Two years ago my poetic license was
revoked and the Taco Bell employees were hounding me like you
wouldn't believe. Then, in 1993, I bought a burrito for a dollar
seventy five - CASH - and got a soda and some of those cinnamon
things thrown in for free. Hell, I didn't even have to PAY for the
burrito! You can do it, too. Just send 10 two-dollar bills to
the 10 addresses shown below. Cross off the first name on the list,
add yours to the bottom, and send 10 copies of this letter on to your
friends, relatives, lovers, neighbors, roommates, et cetera. Don't
forget, you must send a copy of this letter to every newsgroup you
can think of or else it just won't work. And ignore those flames
you get, those people are just jealous of you. Good luck! - Dave.
CROW: Hmm.
TOM: Did you get that all down?
CROW: No, I'm still trying to log into this VAX.
TOM: Argh!
CROW: I told you we should have used UNIX!
TOM: Great, great, now I gotta do this all over again... tell me when you're
ready, OK?
CROW: Uh..... OK. (MIKE walks in)
TOM: Dear friends: My name is Dave Sarcastic.
MIKE: Hi, guys, look what we got.
TOM: Uh, thanks for your support! BYE! Control-x control-c, Crow, it's over!
CROW: That's the letter?!
MIKE: What's over?
TOM: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just forget it. What did we get?
MIKE: We got a letter in our E-Mail box!
CROW: Cool!
TOM: I wonder who it could be from!
MIKE: I don't know. Crow, can you access the message and pass it on to
Cambot so he can put it in still-store?
CROW: Okay.
- H1 D00DZ HOWZ LIFE IN SPACE??? I BET ITZ REELY K00L UP THERE!!!
- SAY H1 2 THE L1TTLE GREEN MEN 4 ME!!!
- I REED YUR P0STS ALL THE T1ME AND 1 LIKE CR0E THE BEST CUZ
- HE SAYZ ALL THE D1RTY THINGZ L1KE I D0!!!
- HA HA HA C-YA S00N M1KE!!!
-
- B1FF RULEZ!!!
-
- O
- '='
- = L00K ITZ TOM SURV0!!!
MIKE: Uh... "Hi dudes, how's life in space? I bet it's really cool up there!"
CROW: As a matter of fact, it is! The vacuum of space is freezing!
MIKE: "Say hi to the little green men for me!"
TOM: What little green men?
MIKE: I don't know. "I read your posts all the time and I like Cro.. uh, Crow
the best cause he says all the dirty things like I do!"
CROW: Why, thank you! It's so nice to know that there's a fan out there
somewhere.
MIKE: "Ha ha ha, cya .." uh, guys, what does c-ya mean?
TOM: 'See ya'. It's phonetic.
MIKE: Oh. "Ha ha ha, see ya soon, Mike! Biff rules!" And he enclosed a
drawing too I think. "Look, it's Tom Servo!"
TOM: That's just wonderful.
MIKE: You wanna give them the e-mail address so they can write, too?
TOM: After this? No, I don't think so.
CROW: Better not.
MIKE: Oh, well. What do you think, sirs?
DR.F: Frank, get me the e-mail address of that B1FF fellow. I need a
new secretary.
FRANK: Right away!
DR.F: And push the BUTT0N while you're at it, PLEEZE.
[]
poif...
-------
This MiSTing is intended for entertainment purposes only and is not personal
attack on the original author in any way. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and
its characters are property of Best Brains, Inc. which did not have anything
to do with this post. This post is copyright (C) 1994 R. Noyes and can
be distributed freely as long as it remains intact and with this disclaimer.
Keep circulating the files.
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kko...@nyx10.cs.du.edu:
>
> MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
> ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
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--
_____ spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /|
| O | It's not whether you whack the owl with the pole or into the pole
|/ \| whack the owl; it's all the same; the owl is dead. - ancient Russian proverb