Mystery Science Theater 3000 FAQ - Part 1
Rich Kulawiec
Version: $Header: mst3k-part1,v 1.24 93/12/06 21:29:21 rsk Exp $
This is the "Frequently Asked Questions and Answers" mailing/posting for
fans of "Mystery Science Theater 3000". It was originally written in
the summer of 1991, and has been revised from time to time since then.
You should probably check the date in the "Version" line above to make
sure the copy you're reading is reasonably up-to-date before sending
corrections. Speaking of which, corrections should be mailed to:
AND should have a "Subject:" line that indicates that the message contains
corrections to the MST3K FAQ.
---Rsk
Q. What it's all about, really?
A. MST3K is "Mystery Science Theater 3000", a program carried by "Comedy
Central", which in turn is carried by various cable companies here and there.
(MST3K was originally picked up by "The Comedy Channel", which merged
with "Ha!", changed its name to "CTV" and then to "Comedy Central".)
The idea of the show is simple: pick really bad movies (e.g. "Gamera",
"Daddy-O", "Cave Dwellers", "Fugitive Alien", etc.) and heckle them.
There are two elements that make it fascinating...
1. The cast of characters. Our hero, Joel, has been blasted into space
by his bosses at the Gizmonic Institute, who are actually subjecting
him to these films in order to assess his reactions. Joel, a pleasant
enough fellow, has constructed Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot
from various pieces of his spacecraft in order to have someone to
share his plight. Unfortunately, in putting them together, he used up
the parts that control when the movies begin and end...
<update in progress, Joel -> Mike>
Back on earth, Dr. Clayton Forrester and his henchman Frank select
each week's film and inflict it on Joel and his robot friends...who
respond by unmercifully shredding it from beginning to end. We watch
the whole movie sitting in the theater behind them...except for the
portions surrounding some of the commercial breaks where they do parodies,
annoy Frank and Clayton, etc. (Their microproduction of the
Wagner/Sandy Frank epic "Gameradaemmerung" was terrific.)
2. The heckling is good. REALLY good. What makes this worth watching is
that their heckling comments draw from such a diversity of sources;
in a five-minute stretch one recent Saturday, they referenced "This is
Spinal Tap", "Moby Dick", "2001", the Wall Street Journal, Don King,
Buddha...and more. The writers for this show are incredibly culturally
literate -- and they keep in touch with current affairs as well.
Think of them as smart-asses who read the New York Times; you have to
be mentally nimble to follow some of their comments.
MST3K is the funniest thing I've seen on television since the original
Saturday Night Live (circa late 70's). Watch it. Tape it. Heckle it.
Q. How do you join the fan club?
A. Just send a letter to:
MST3K Information Club
PO Box 5325
Hopkins, MN 55343
You'll get a lifetime subscription to the MST3K Satellite News (formerly The
Binding Polymer), with letters and interviews, merchandise order forms, etc.
and
Your official MST3K fan club certificate, which is a full 8 1/2 by 11
and
Your official MST3K fan club card, attached to a yellow neon flyer.
The text on the flyer reads:
"This is your MST3K MEMBERSHIP CARD. Display it proudly, carry it
always. Keep it close to your heart, because if you keep it in your
back pocket it will get all sweaty and yucky and start to come apart
and you won't want to show it to anyone. Or, you could take it to
one of those places at the bus station that have those neat laminating
machines and make it way cool. Or, don't. See if we care. In any
case thanks for being a new member."
The card itself is 3 5/8" wide by 2 3/8" tall (if you cut on the
dotted lines) and is quite suitable for carrying in a wallet.
The card bears the image of an atom (generated by computer) as
well as the legend "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 FAN CLUB. This
certifies that (space for name), is an official member of the
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Club. Member# (space)."
You'll also be on the mailing list of MST3K fans. You'll
get notices about schedule changes, offers from Best Brains, Inc.,
discounts on merchandise (e.g. T-shirts), and other goodies.
Q. Is that different from Comedy Central's mailing list?
A. Yepper. To get on CC's list, contact:
Comedy Central
1775 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
(212) 767-8600
Q. Back to MST3K - so what's this Live Survival Kit thingy?
A. Well, if you send a check for $5 (payable to "Best Brains, Inc.") to them,
you'll get:
(If you're in Minnesota, add 6.5% sales tax, by the way)
A piece of paper enclosing several other sheets, marked
"Classified - contains top secret MST 3000 Fan club material".
When you unfold it, the inside is the "MST 3000 'MOVIE SIGN' Home
Viewing Simulator (MSHVS)", which has the familiar picture of
theater seats and Joel and the bots at the bottom, with the instructions :
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Cut out.
2. Place on your TV screen.
3. Gather your favorite pals.
(Or build them out of spare parts.)
4. Look for a goofy movie or dumb TV show.
5. Say stupid (and clever) things.
The sheets contained inside are:
A list of episodes for seasons 1 and 2, e.g. the MST3K
Experiment Guide with the lyrics to the Love Theme on the
other side.
The MST3K Technical Journal Vol 1 No 1 and Vol 1 No 3, and/or
some technical updates.
"Spark-O!" The best brains wacky rolling action figure (a really
crude cut-out that you're supposed to tape together and put on
top of a marble)
The MST3K Price Rebel Icon merchandise temple catalogue, which includes
such items as the MST3K Fluid Containment Vessel (a MST3K mug),
the Mad Scientist Clock, the MST3K Official Command Cap
the MST3K Bumper Stickler (a clear sticker that has the logo and
"MOVIE SIGN" in black, the MST3K Life Survival Kit, T-shirts
(S, M, L, XL), and Fan Photos:
- Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy on the Satellite of Love
- Dr. Forrester and Frank in Deep 13
(note: autographs are not real...they are part of the photo)
Q. What are the lyrics to the opening song?
A. "Love Theme from M.S.T. 3000"
<update per new theme>
In the not-too-distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleanin' up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him,
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la la la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la la la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the movies begin and end (la la la),
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call: (Let's go) [ Some debate on "let's go" ]
Cambot (Pan left)
Gypsy (Hi girl)
Tom Servo (What a cool guy)
Crooooooooooow (Wisecracker)
If you're wond'ring how he eats and breathes,
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show, I should really just relax
for Mystery Science Theater 3000..."
(c) Best Brains Inc., for sticklers.
Q. Didn't the lyrics change?
A. Yup, they used to be different. We're not exactly sure what
they are yet, but something like:
In the not-too-distant future,
Next Sunday, A.D.
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way,
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst ever made,
Joel says when you have lemons
You make lemonade,
Now keep in mind he can't control
When the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call:
Cambot
Gypsy
Tom Servo
Crooooooooooow
If you're wond'ring how he eats and breathes,
and other science facts (la la la),
Just repeat to yourself,
"It's just a show, I should really just relax
for Mystery Science Theater 3000..."
Q. How 'bout an episode guide?
A. Well, there used to be one *right here*; but it's been moved to
a separate posting because it's starting to get too big.
Q. When is the show on?
A. (All times EST)
Saturdays 7pm
Sundays 10 am (repeat of previous show)
The MST3K hour has just been introduced by Comedy Central; it
features repeat episodes broken into 1-hour segments and is
carried weeknights.
Q. If I have a satellite dish, can I pick up Comedy Central?
A. Yes, both the East (Galaxy 1, transponder 1) and West (Galaxy 3,
transponder 23) coast feeds. The West feed runs the same
programming as the East, but is delayed by three hours. You do need to
subscribe to Comedy Central first, though, which requires you to have an
IRD receiver (VideoCypher II Plus). The a la carte subscription price is
somewhere between $5 and $10 per year, and is available through a number of
vendors. Many vendors offer subscription packages that include Comedy
Central as well. Check any satellite TV guide for their ads and pricing.
Q. Who plays what part in the show?
Magic Voice: Jann Johnson (production coordinator) did it for
one season; Alexandra Carr, Ellen McDonough and Kevin Murphy
have done it since.
Joel: Joel Hodgson
Gypsy: Jim Mallon
Dr. Clayton Forrester & Crow: Trace Beaulieu
Dr. Larry Erhardt & original Tom Servo: Josh Weinstein
Frank: Frank Conniff
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Cambot: Himself
Occasional extra characters, such as Jack Perkins, the Amazing
Colossal Man, and various aliens: Mike Nelson
Occasional extra characters, such as "Miracle Growth Baby (After)":
Timothy Scott ("Miracle Growth Baby (Before)" was played
by Jim Mallon's son Eli.)
Q. Can Gypsy enter the theater?
A. Yes; she's been there briefly in three shows (Untamed Youth,
Wild Rebels or Hellcats, and Hercules and the Captive Women). In one
episode, Gypsy tries to participate in the experiment, but isn't witty
enough to keep up...or maybe she was just overcome by nausea.
Q. What are the robots made of?
A. Crow is mostly made of sporting equipment:
Pingpong balls (the kind that glow in the dark, which
explains their green-yellow hue on the set) for eyes;
his pupils are square bits of electrical tape
Plastic bowling pin for mouth
His head (around his eyes) is a soap dish (!)
Arms - adjustable desk lamp parts, with closed-cell foam tubing
(the kind used to insulate water pipes)
on the upper part
Neck -- a Popeet toy
Thing on the back of his head - hockey mask (Cooper XL7FG)
Torso: a set of Tupperware from a set called "Floralier"
plus part of another set. (It was a flower-arranging set.
No longer made. The set consists of a tall conical vase
that snaps into a short conical vase that then snaps onto
a tray. Two trays, face to face make his shoulders and
the vases are below, turned upside down. The whole thing
is then spray-painted gold over its original white plastic. )
Legs -- he has 'em, but what are they made of? (They look
like more lamp parts)
Tom Servo is mostly made of toys:
Gumball machine for head (it comes in that red color)
made by Carousel Industries of Des Plaines, IL;
the name for it is "executive snack dispenser".
His beak has been spray-painted silver.
Barrel from "Kid's Barrell Bank" for body
Flashlight heads for shoulders
Springs or slinkys for arms
His hands are doll hands
His base is made of foam tubing
His hoverskirt is made from an inverted white plastic bowl
which in a former lift had "Happy Halloween" painted on it
in a seriously stupid font. The black doodads adorning the
hoverskirt are pieces of black styrene vacu-formed
over a toy "turbo train" engine.
The "thing" on his chest might be some sort of toy engine block.
Gypsy is made of household items:
Flashlight for eye
Child's car seat for head
Hose for neck & body ("drain tile"; also used to frame
the SOL's windows)
Lips are foam tubing
Cambot is made of ??:
Rotating alarm light on top
Some sort of hose, a la Gypsy
Q. What are some of the items on the set?
A. Items spotted so far include:
All over the set: Assorted trays, drawer organizers,
bowls, flower pots, ice cube trays, divided dinner
plates, cups and silverware drawer trays.
Left Side of Bridge: Speak and Spell (see ET movie),
plastic baseball bat, badminton racquet, child's potty
seat, motorman's helper, Hungry, Hungry Hippos game,
Hot Wheels storage case (shaped like mag wheel), plastic
bowling pins, large Millennium Falcon space ship (either
model kit or action figure playset), "Trouble" game
with pop-o-matic center, Playschool ball with shaped
holes in it that kids put shaped blocks into, rubber
tyrannosaurus, toy telephone, telephone handset, egg tray,
toy race car.
Joel's Desk in Center of Bridge: Two bases for plastic birdbaths
turned upside down, at least 7 cameras and one big Polaroid-type
camera, whiffle ball, plastic angel, hair curlers, small plastic
bowling ball, spray can tops (the buttons).
Over Main Door: Silverware trays, Hungry, Hungry Hippos game,
2 potty chair seats, 2 hockey-type shin guards, 2 plastic christmas
lawn reindeer (upside down), front of a castle-shaped action
toy playset (name unknown).
Right Side of Bridge: Many, many toy horns and trumpets, many,
many heart-shaped containers, 2 jello molds, 2 plastic baseball
bats, plastic dish drain rack, another Playschool shape-ball,
toy fencing sword, plastic ladle, plastic toy shovel, toy boat,
toy crane, rubber brontosaurus, toy guitar or ukelele.
Q. How come Tom Servo can't walk, but can sometimes move down the seats
in the theater? (Just Relax :-)
A. Tom Servo's means of locomotion is a hoverskirt; there's a heating grate on
the way in to the theater that Joel has to carry Tom over. This is mentioned
in passing as they're walking out of the theater during one of the earlier
episodes (with Josh Weinstein).
Q. If I want to show some of the episodes to a group, what do I do?
A. To get permission to screen episodes in a public or semi-public
situation, call the following person:
Tony Fox
Comedy Central
1775 Broadway
9th floor
New York, NY 10019
Office: (212) 767-8746
FAX: (212) 767-8582
HBO controls the showing of the episodes under their contract with
BBI, so they're the ones you'll have to talk to.
Q. What is "Play MST for Me?
A. It's a videotape made available for members of the fan club only. It
contains songs from the various MST3K experiments.
Q. What are the differences between seasons 1 and 2?
A. The #2 mad scientist is Frank instead of Larry.
Tom Servo's voice is different.
The opening set is a larger model.
The spaceship launch is more elaborate.
The opening credits contain different clips.
SOL background is 3D instead of painted set.
Robot Roll Call has identifying letters instead of
Joel staring into the camera.
Cambot is different.
Joel can be seen wearing different colored jumpsuits.
Joel no longer eats grapes after hitting buttons.
Q. Where have I heard "Satellite of Love" before?
A. The Jerry Lewis Telethon people call the satellite the "Satellite
of Love". It's also the title of a song first recorded by Lou Reed,
and about to be covered by U2.
Q. What are the words to the Weinerman song?
A. I know a wienerman,
He owns a wiener stand.
He sells most anything
From hot dogs on down.
Some day I'll be his wife.
We'll eat wieners all our lives.
Hot Dog! I love that wienerman!
Q. Is there an anonymous FTP site that archives this stuff?
A. Yepper! Anonymous FTP site info:
Location: "gynko.circ.upenn.edu" or "128.91.200.5"
Directory: pub/rsk/mst3k/*
PLEASE do not use this site between 8 am and 6 pm EST; the host machine
is heavily used for research during those hours. Abuse of this policy
will cause the anonymous FTP archives to go away.
Q. What's in there, anyway?
A. The Satellite of Love Newsletter is archived in the "soln" directory;
the images and audio samples which were once archived there have been
removed due to excessive FTP traffic during research hours.
Q. How can I get to view episodes I don't have?
A. Post your request to the newsletter; we're all circulating the tapes.
Alternatively, you might want to try sending mail to someone else on
the mailing list (check the "From:" lines) who has commented on the
particular show you want -- they probably have the tape.
Q. What is the "Satellite of Love Newsletter"?
A. It's an electronic newsletter that started in the late summer of 1991
to provide a way for fans of the show to communicate with each other.
Issues come out erratically, although the editor has been heard mumbling
something about "twice a month" recently, so this might actually represent
some thinking about a semiregular schedule. In any event, the items in
the newsletter are contributed by its readers, of which there are several
hundred. To subscribe, drop a line to soln-r...@gynko.circ.upenn.edu.
<update to reflect hiatus, resumption>
Q. How do I submit items to the newsletter?
A. Send mail to "so...@gynko.circ.upenn.edu" (This will cause
the program that files my mail to put your letter in my mst3k folder.)
Reminder: soln-r...@gynko.circ.upenn.edu for administrivia
so...@gynko.circ.upenn.edu for submissions
Q. How do I get back issues of the newsletter?
A. Check the anonymous FTP site at gynko (see above), or drop me a line;
I'll probably automate this at some point.
Q. Does Best Brains allow visits or provide tours?
If you're going to be in the Minneapolis area and would like to visit Best
Brains (in Eden Prairie), there are some things you should be aware of.
1. YOU MUST CALL FIRST! TOURS ARE ONLY BY APPOINTMENT, and they sometimes
try to setup more than one group at a time if they are small. Also, Best
Brains works on an 8 day production schedule (which does not include the
weekend), and they only give tours now on Fridays when they aren't shooting
the video for an episode (these are the "writing" days). This causes their
free time to "rotate", and means that the actually available day for a tour
is somewhat unpredictable.
They are very busy people during production days. Since tours occur once or
twice a month, you'll need to call at least 3-4 weeks in advance to arrange
your appointment (and call them a few days before you intend to arrive to
confirm that things haven't changed).
Contact them at (612) 941-8024 (ask for Sarah if she's available); or
via fax at (612) 941-8250. By the way, their address is:
Best Brains, Inc.
7615 Golden Triangle Drive, #J
Eden Prairie, Minnesota 55344
The tour lasts from 30-60 minutes; depending on what's going
on, how big the group is, who happens to be in the office that
day, your questions, etc. It goes quickly.
2. Since their mailing address is a P.O. Box, you'll need to knpw how to
find them. The office is in Eden Prairie. Rather than post directions or
address information here, Best Brains has asked me to say that they
would prefer anyone desiring a visit to call them to get directions.
They want to prevent people from accidently sending mail to the wrong
address instead of the PO Box, and their office is a little tricky to
find anyone (one way roads and such). Given that their fan club is
growing extremely large rapidly, this concern is understandable and I
respect their wishes.
3. The good news is that the TOURS ARE FREE, you can often buy some
of the MST3k merchandise there directly, and THEY ALLOW YOU TO
TAKE PHOTOS! However, THEY DO NOT ALLOW VIDEO OR MOVIE CAMERAS.
Since the tour takes place on a real working day, people,
props, and sets can be pretty disorganized. What you get to see
sometimes depends on what is lying around. But, there is a
chance you'll get to see/meet one of the familiar people
involved in the production. If you promise not to feed them,
they often will come over and talk for a while ;-).
Q. Do they sell merchandise?
A. Yes, through the information club. Currently available are T-shirts,
posters, coffee mugs, lunch box, photos.
Q. Why are Tom Servo's hands flesh colored on the mug, lunchbox, and poster?
A. Tom Servo's hands and chest "engine" are now created by pouring plastic
into a mold, because the original parts are hard to find. The plastic
they use is the same plastic used in making hearing aids, hence the flesh
color. They forgot to paint Tom's hands before taking the photos used
in the mug, lunchbox, and poster.
Q. Why is Tom Servo's head a cylinder in a few episodes?
A. The folks at Best Brains thought it would look cool if Tom had a "haircut".
Q. How many times has Tom Servo had his head blown off?
Four. They were: The Corpse Vanishes (trying to think of a good
thing about the movie); Robot Monster (trying to figure out how
bumblebees fly); First Spaceship on Venus (sarcastism circuits overload);
and The Rebel Set (don't remember how it happened, sorry).
Additionally, in Fugitive Alien II, he comes completely apart.
Q. How many seats are there seen in the theater?
A. Seven.
Q. Are there any questions that we don't have answers for yet?
A. Yup. Like:
How many times has SANDY FRANK been sung?
How many grapes has Joel been seen eating?
How many visitors has the SOL had?
Q. Who wrote this stuff?
A. The people who contribute to the newsletter; I'm just the editor.
Among the many folks who have sent along information, notes, and general
silliness, are:
Bill Dennen, Brian Perler, Chad (Mr. B) Jackson, Charles R. Hoynowski,
Chris Cooley, Chuck Jordan, Chuck Tomasi, Dale Holod,
Dave Spensley, David Arnold, Donald Cotnoir-Strong, Donna K. Lang,
Ed Hughes, Ed Klein, Ellen Sasse, Frank G. Neves, Gerald M. Guglielmo,
Jamie Green, Jason Corley, Jeremy Billones, Joel A. Schenkenberg,
John D. Shull, Johnny Klonaris, Jonathan Hughes, Joshua R. Poulson,
Kevin Murray, Lance Visser, Larry Hastings, Lon Ponschock, Lynn-Anne Friese,
Malcolm Austin, Mark Carson, Mark Meyer, Markus De Shon, Marty Hoff,
Mary Lynn Johnson, Matt Duhan, Nina Eppes, Patrick Delahanty,
Patrick Fitzgerald, Patty Winter, Paul Ashley, Paul Thrasher, Phil Mueller,
R'ykandar Korra'ti, Rich Kulawiec, Steve Simmons, Synth F. Oberheim,
The Punster, Todd Johnson, Tom Wilson. , Will Silver, William Harrison,
William Sherman, and special thanks to Lisa Jenkins for voluminous updates
and additions, to Keith Barrett for the BBI Tour info, to Cliff Chaput
for the large list of oft-repeated phrases, and to Brian Siano for
massive updates to the episode guide.
If I've forgotten someone, please let me know.
Copyright Rich Kulawiec, 1991, 1992, 1993.
Rip this off and we'll kill you with a forklift.
Rich Kulawiec
Version: $Header: mst3k-part2,v 1.2 93/12/06 21:29:24 rsk Exp $
Q. What are some of the running gags/most often used lines?
A planet where apes evolved from men? (Planet of the Apes)
Aaaugh! Don't DO that! ("Stinky" from the Abbott & Costello Show)
Again with the finger! (The Sunshine Boys)
All over the world! Ooo!
Am I a CLOWN?! Do I AMUSE YOU?! (GoodFellas)
Animals vill be bred und SLAUGHTERED! (Dr. Strangelove)
And now Red in the Silent Spot. (old Red Skelton routine)
And there, on the door handle, was a HOOK! (Traditional campfire story)
Are you known for your work in the theater? (What's My Line?)
B-doom Shing! (Comedy rimshot)
Bad Touch! (various anti-child-abuse films)
Before this decade is out we will put a man on the moon. (John F. Kennedy)
Bird, LIVES, man! (i.e. Charlie Parker)
Bite me.
Busted!
By this time my lungs were aching for air. (Lloyd Bridges' Sea Hunt)
Charlie, they took my thumbs! (The Pope of Greenwich Village)
Chicka-chicka Bwomp Bwomp! Chicka-chicka Bwomp Bwomp! (porno music)
Chief! McCloud! (McCloud)
Chili peppers burn my gut. (Side Hackers)
Chopper always leaves you laughing. Ha haha ha ha ha ha (Takeoff on
Bozo the clown's closing line)
Deep Hurting! (Metholatum's "Deep Heating")
Dibs! I got dibs! I said it first!
Do you find me pleasing? Do I please you? (Star Trek, TOS; might also
be from the "public speaking" short on MST3K)
Do you want to go faster? (Yea!) Raise your hands if you want to go
faster! (Yea!)
Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. (Any five-year-old, or maybe
from a Wayne Cotter routine)
Don't look at me! Don't you look at me! Mommy! MOMMY! (Blue Velvet)
Don't you do it! (An Officer and a Gentleman)
Dweezle Dwyzle Dwazle Dwome. Time for this one to come home. (Tooter the Turtle)
Enter? What ever happened to 'Come in?' (The Sunshine Boys)
Faster, pussycat, kill, kill! (Russ Meyer title)
Fisher! (nut commercial)
Football practice! (Shocker)
Game over, man! (Aliens)
Get these spiders offa me! (parody of drunks w/DT's)
Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty ape! (Planet of the Apes)
Go to bed, old man! (Star Trek...maybe "Cat's Paw"?)
Good night and may God bless! (Red Skelton)
Gymkata! (Gymkata)
Have a little fire, Scarecrow! (Wizard of Oz)
He asked me! He asked me! (Monty Python)
He is one weird mamma jamma.
He tried to kill me with a forklift... (Fugitive Alien I)
Heeeey! It's the Undersea Kingdom for you and for me and it's fiiiiiine!
(Crash Corrigan and the Undersea Kingdom)
Hellooooooooo, Baaaaaaaaby! (The Big Bopper)
Hello, Cleveland! Rock and roll! (Spinal Tap)
Hello, Shoil! (Laverne & Shirley)
Hi-Keeba! (Women of the Prehistoric Planet)
Honk! Shoo! Mimimimimimi! (Three Stooges snore--Moe, Larry, and Shemp)
Hooker's a good cop! (TJ Hooker)
Hot and spicy! Texas Style!
How fortunate! This will simplify everything! (The Phantom Creeps,
Episode 2, a la Bela Lugosi)
Hurts, don't it? Tell your friends. (Roadhouse)
Huzzah! (Ren Fest, or other renaissance festival)
I *WILL* kill him! (Sting, from Dune)
I am Kirok! (Star Trek, TOS)
I am not an animal! I am a human being! (A Man Called Horse, and
"Elephant Man")
I can't turn it off! I don't know how it works! (variation on...)
I can't bring it back! I don't know how it works! Goodbye, folks! (Wizard of Oz)
I could sure go for some charbroiled hamburgers and french-fried potatoes.
(Jungle Goddess)
I do I do I DO believe in spooks! (Wizard of Oz)
I don't think sooo. (Roger Rabbit, among others)
I got nowhere else to go! (An Officer and a Gentleman)
I had Jello today.
I like you--that's why I'm going to kill you last. (Commando)
I'll harm you! (Joe Besser)
I'm Batman (Batman)
I'm a Grimwold Warrior! (Saga of the Viking Women and... you know)
I'm comin' Beanie Boy! (Beanie and Cecil)
I'm coming 'Liz'beth! (Sanford and Son)
I'm dead now. Please don't smoke. (Yul Brenner, ALA commercial)
I'm feeling really good. (Gamera vs. Guiron)
I'm going to give you such a pinch! (Joe Besser)
I'm going to kill you! Why? Because you're going to die!"
(various James Bond movies)
I'm huge! (Cave Dwellers)
I'm hysterical, and I'm wet, and I'm in pain! (The Producers)
I'm made of liquid metal. (T2, a la Ahnold)
I'm the god! I'M THE GOD! (Twilight Zone, "The Little People")
I'm your boyfriend now! Blabblabblabblah!
Interesting--but STUPID! (Laugh-in)
It hurts! It really hurts!
Is it safe? (Marathon Man)
It is balloon! (F Troop)
It puts the lotion on its skin. (Silence of the Lambs)
It stinks! [w/ OK hand gesture] (Pod People)
It was faaaaabuloooous!
It's hot and it hurts and stuff. (Bactine commercial)
It's my way or the highway. (Roadhouse)
It's the Sunday Mystery Movie! Oooeeeooo! OooEEEooo!
Jimmy Smitts (Switch)
Join us!
Just KILL it! Don't PLAY with it!
Just shakin' the bushes, boss. (Cool Hand Luke)
Koyaaaaanisqatsiiiiiiii!! (Koyaanisqatsi)
Little pants!
Look into your heart! (Miller's Crossing)
Mazola corn goodness... (Mazola commercial)
McCloud!!! (McCloud)
MMMMMMMMENDOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAA!! (McBain, The Simpsons...who are both
probably refering Robert DeNiro's character in "The Mission")
Mm-HMMMMmmmm, that's good weed! (Carson, a la Art Fern)
Mommy! Mommy! Don't look at me! I said never look at me!
(Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet)
My mother was a saint! (Public Enemy #1)
N Y P D (NYPD)
Nice tag!
Nice swoon.
Noooo!! (Cave Dwellers)
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die. (James Bond)
Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that.
Oh, the pain, the pain... (Lost In Space)
Ohhhh, lady! (Jerry Lewis)
Oil Can! Oil Can! (Wizard of Oz)
Oops, sorry! That was me...
Ouch! I fell on my keys. (Wayne's World/The Producers)
Pepperidge Fa-ahm remembahs. (Commercial)
Puma? Puma! (Ring of Terror)
Saaaaaaay!
Saigon. I can't believe I'm still in Saigon. (Apocalypse Now)
Seen it! (Hated it! Taped it!)
Serpentine! (The In-Laws)
Skipper! Little buddy! (Gilligan's Island)
SLEEP!
Smuckers jellies and jams...
Spock! Spock! (Star Trek, TOS)
SuperCaaaaar! SuperCaaaaar! (The old "Supercar" show)
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Enjoy the buffet! (generic lounge singer)
Thank you, (Tommy Kirk/Eugene Castle/etc.) for making us laugh at
(love/winter/etc.) again.
That's what I'm asking. I don't know! THIRD BASE! (Abbott and Costello)
The horror! The horror! (Apocalypse Now, and Joseph Conrad's
"Heart of Darkness" on which it was based.)
The Invaders/The Time Tunnel/etc. In color!
This is a Woozle. His name is Peanut. (Jeff Dunham Routine)
This is not my beautiful wife/house! (Talking Heads, "Once in a Lifetime")
This is the grandest of all! (Jack Perkins)
This is this. (Phantom Creeps 1)
This square bugs me! He really bugs me! (Wild Rebels)
This was no boating accident. (Jaws)
Throw me the whip! Throw me the idol! (Raiders of the Lost Arc)
Thunderbirds are go! (Thunderbirds in Outer Space)
Tonight on Emergency 911 (Emergency 911)
Tonight, on a very special Trapper John, MD
Top of the world, ma! (James Cagney in WHITE HEAT)
Turned around and the hitchhiker was GONE! (urban legend; see also
"Hold On, It's Coming" by Country Joe and the Fish, circa 1971)
Wah, wah, wah, wah, waAaAaAaAaAaAa! (generic cartoon/sitcom muted trumpet)
Wanna go to Lou's Place? Ooo-hoo LOU!
Warriors, come out and play! (The Warriors)
Watch out for the backdraft. (Backdraft)
Water, the source of all life! (any nature special)
We're gonna get a bigger boat, right? (Jaws)
We're having an adventure--just like the Goonies!
We're outta the dark; we're outta the woods; we're outta the niiiiiight...!
(Wizard of Oz)
Welcome to Death Valley Days. The driver is either missing or he's
dead. (Ronald Reagan, Death Valley Days)
Well it was about this time the Ol' Duke Boys... (Dukes of Hazzard)
What about Scarecrow's brain? (The Wizard of Oz)
What would McGyver do?
What we have here is a failure to communicate (Cool Hand Luke)
What's that, boy? Daddy's hurt? Down in deadrock canyon? (Lassie)
When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way, man! (West Side Story)
Works every time.
Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster Kane. Cost, no one can say.
(Citizen Kane)
You... are going... to die! Because I... am going... to KILL you!
You and your friends are the only creeps around this place. (Wild Rebels)
You *will* bow down before me! (Superman)
You did it! You finally did it, Damn you all to hell! (Planet of the Apes)
You die Joe! (generic Pacific-theater World War II movie)
You go; I'm bitter. (Seven Samurai?)
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
(Talking Heads, "Once in a Lifetime")
You must sink the Bismarck. (Sink the Bismarck)
You're not my real father! (Star Wars?)
You've broken ape law. (Planet of the Apes)
You've made the grade and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
(Davie Bowie, "Space Oddity")
Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu. (old Variety ad)
Q. Has anybody else written about MST3K?
A. You bet. Included below is most of the rather massive bibiography
put together by Lisa Jenkins; it includes numerous citations and
references and all that stuff. Some of the referenced articles
have been reprinted in the SOLN.
Lisa's key symbols:
# Actual article
* Photocopy
& Don't have article
- Not on disk/sent to SOLN
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: November 25, 1981
Headline: See the Twin Cities Top Comedy Bananas
Photo: [Hodgson and the other seven finalists from the first annual College
Comedy Competition, missnamed as the Cabaret Comedy Competition.]
Page(s): 39
Note: Ad for Comedy Cabaret with the finalists of the competition.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: November 25, 1981
Headline: Preview and Recommendations
Photo: The Eight finalists in the TCR/Comedy Cabaret Comedy Competition,
this weekend at Comedy Cabaret, 26th and Hennepin, Mpls. Fri., Sat.,
Sun. 872-0400. [Hodgson and the other seven finalists, different
picture than the ad.]
Page(s): 43
Note: A "best bets"-type ad.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: February 25, 1982
Headline: Preview and Recommendations
Subline: Special Events
Page(s): 19
Note: A "best bets" ad for Hodgson's appearence at the Comedy Cabaret.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 11, 1982
Headline: Comedy comes to downtown Minneapolis
Photo: Joel Hodgson/Comic Mgcian/Winner of 1981 Campus Comedy Contest
[Hodgson in stand-up garb with party remants around him.]
Page(s): 44
Note: Ad for Hodgson headlining at the Comedy Gallery for its grand opening.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 18, 1982
Headline: Comedy comes to downtown Minneapolis
Photo: Joel Hodgson/Comic Magcian/Winner of 1981 Campus Comedy Contest
[Hodgson in stand-up garb with party remants around him.]
Page(s): 26
Note: Full page ad for Hodgson headlining at the Comedy Gallery.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 18, 1982
Headline: Preview and Recommendations
Subline: Comedy
Page(s): 27
Note: A "best bets" ad for Hodgson's appearence at the Comedy Gallery.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 25, 1982
Headline: Preview and Recommendations
Subline: Comedy
Page(s): 31
Note: A "best bets" ad for Hodgson's appearence at Dudley Riggs ETC Benefit
for Camp New Hope.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: April 1, 1982
Headline: Preview and Recommendations
Subline: Comedy
Page(s): 23
Note: A "best bets" ad for Hodgson's appearence at the Comedy Gallery.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: April 8, 1982
Headline: Held Over For Final Week
Photo: Joel Hodgson [in stand-up garb.]
Page(s): 22
Note: Ad for Hodgson at the Comedy Gallery.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: June 10, 1982
Photo: [Hodgson in cut-out of publicity photo.]
Page(s): 15
Note: Ad for Hodgson at the Comedy Cabaret.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: June 10, 1982
Headline: Preview and Recommendations
Subline: Comedy
Author: Hopp, D.
Page(s): 26
Note: A "best best" ad for Hodgson's appearence at the Comedy Cabaret.
Source: Minneapolis Tribune*
Date: June 16, 1982
Headline: Comic Makes World of Difference at Cabaret
Subline: A review
Author: Steele, Mike
Page(s): B3
Note: Review of Hodgson's stand-up act at the Comedy Cabaret.
Source: St. Paul Dispatch*
Date: September 9, 1982
Headline: Funnymen Fight to Knock Out Competition with Punchlines
Photo: Oops! Back to the drawing board for this card trick being attempted
by comedian Joel Hodgson, who specializes in white dinner jackets
and a stupid look. Hodgson will join other comedians in the first-
ever Twin Cities Comedy Invitational competition beginning next
Thursday. [Hodgson with cards flying in mid-air.]
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B1, B10
Source: St. Paul Dispatch* [reprinted in part in St. Paul Pioneer Press*, page
C5, same date]
Date: September 30, 1982
Headline: Backstage: Tricky Comic Wins Local Contest
Photo: Joel Hodgson is a "bad" magician but a good comic, good enough to
win first place and $500 in the finals of the First Annual Twin
Cities Comedy Invitational last Sunday night. [Hodgson holds up a
Mystery Date game board.] [Photo not included in reprint.]
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B2
Source: Minneapolis Tribune*
Date: October 1, 1982
Headline: Local Comedian Gets Last Laugh in Competition
Photo: Joel Hodgson [with cards flying]
Author: Strickler, Jeff
Page(s): C4
Note: Hodgson wins Twin Cities Invitational.
Source: St. Paul Dispatch*
Date: February 17, 1983
Headline: Backstage: Finn's Dropping Gags, but New Club May Open
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B2
Note: Hodgson on Letterman show. This is from a column.
>From St. Paul Dispatch*-
Date: April 7, 1983
Headline: Hometown success
Photo: [Joel Hodgson in stand-up garb.]
Page(s): B12
Note: Picture and caption for Hodgson's return to the Twin Cities.
Source: St. Paul Dispatch*
Date: August 4, 1983
Headline: TC Comedians Find LA Success
Photo: Joel Hodgson: He passed 'acid test' [Hodgson in "high school"-like
photo.]
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B1, B7
Source: Minneapolis Tribune*
Date: March 18, 1984
Headline: Three Area Comedians Think Los Angeles is the Way to Go
Subline: Welcome to Hollywood
Subline: COMICS: 'Time bomb' created a hubbub
Photo: Photo for the Star and Tribune by Jackie Sallow. Jeff Cesario,
left, and Joel Hodgson in front of the Comedy Store. [Hodgson looks
*very* shy!]
Author: Bream, Jon
Page(s): G1, G12
Note: Hodgson's adventures in the "Big Time."
Source: St. Paul Dispatch*
Date: October 18, 1984
Headline: Joel Hodgson Coming Home to Say Farewell to Comedy
Subline: [On page B13 only.] Hodgson: Comedian will try writing, teaching
Photo: Twin Cities comic Joel Hodgson will be doing what he bills as a
farewell show, titled, "Hello, I Must Be Going," at the Comedy
Gallery Wednesday through Oct. 27 and again Oct. 31-Nov. 4.
[Hodgson perfecting that shy look.]
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B1, B10 *and* B13
Source: Minneapolis Star and Tribune*
Date: October 25, 1984
Headline: Comic Hodgson Quits While He's Ahead
Subline: Comedy's fun, but it's time to get back to reality.
Photo: Joel Hodgson [still perfecting that shy look.]
Author: Strickler, Jeff
Page(s): C1, C8
Note: Hodgson explains why he's come home.
Source: Interview*
Date: December 1984
Headline: The Seven Faces of Comedy
Photo: Joel Hodgson photographed by Frank Schramm [Hodgson in glasses,
water goggles, shirt and tie, spewing water from his mouth.]
Author: Borns, Betsy
Page(s): 68-69
Note: Hodgson talks about working for the "Big Time."
Source: Minneapolis Star and Tribune*
Date: April 8, 1985
Headline: Crystal Court Never Meant for Standing Room Only
Author: Flanagan, Barbara
Page(s): B1
Note: This is a column. Hodgson sold his props.
Source: Minneapolis Star and Tribune*
Date: May 5, 1986
Headline: Seinfeld and Hodgson
Subline: Comics Team Up for Cable Special
Photo: Jerry Seinfeld, left, and Joel Hodgson with a smoking mug, for
people who like a cigarette with their coffee.
Author: Covert, Colin
Page(s): C1, C11
Note: Hodgson's work for HBO comedy special; note his preliminary work on
MST3K.
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*
Date: June 8, 1987
Headline: Wacky Hodgson Returns to Stage
Subline: Review
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): C8
Note: Hodgson's return to stand-up comedy.
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*
Date: April 21, 1988
Headline: Comedy: Toying With Laughs Again
Photo: DEADPAN-HANDLING: Comedian Joel Hodgson says his Comedy Gallery
appearances will be "an official comeback." [Hodgson side-ways
glances in tux.]
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): D4
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*
Date: April 22, 1988
Headline: When Joel Comes Out to Play, Everyone Has Fun
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B7
Note: Review of Hodgson's new stand-up act.
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*
Date: June 24, 1988
Headline: Showtime to Tape Area Comics
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): B8
Note: Hodgson and others to be taped for Showtime's Comedy Club Network show.
Source: Skyway News*-
Date: November 17, 1988
Headline: Entertainment will heat up the winter
Photo: Joel Hodgson [with his squirt flamethrower boutonniere.]
Author: Mabery, D.L.
Page(s): 10
Note: A "best bets" ad for Hodgson at the Comedy Gallery.
Source: Minneapolis (Minnesota) Star and Tribune&-
Date: November 20, 1988
Headline: IT'S A SCI-FI THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION
Photo: [Hodgson in *long hair!* and the original Crow.]
Author: [none]
Page(s): TV Week 39
Note: Ad for first two episodes Thanksgiving night.
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*-
Date: November 20, 1988
Headline: IT'S A SCI-FI THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION
Photo: [Hodgson in *long hair!* and the original Crow.]
Author: [none]
Page(s): TV Weekly 32
Note: Ad for first two episodes Thanksgiving night.
Source: Minneapolis (Minnesota) Star and Tribune*
Date: December 19, 1988
Headline: TV Supplies Witty Companions to Help Watch Bad Old Movies
Photo: Staff Photo/John Croft 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' host Joel
Hodgson with robot friends Crow, left, and Gypsy. [Original Crow
with Joel in original outfit and original Gypsy on orginal set.
Original!]
Photo: Home viewers see the silhouettes of Joel Hodgson and the two robots
in the front row of seats as they watch the movie. On the screen
here is the monster Gaos. [Crow sits on Joel's left and, I think,
Gypsy is on his right. The "movie screen" is like a very large TV
screen.]
Author: Matheny, Dave
Page(s): E1, E4
Note: "Local" review of MST3K along with incites in Hodgson's workshop and the
making of the original show.
Note: I don't have a copy of the photos.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: January 18-24, 1989
Headline: [none]
Photo: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ host Joel Hodgson becomes "The
Gizmocrat" at the Comedy Gallery Riverplace, starting Wednesday.
[Hodgson in usual plublicity shot.]
Page(s): 34
Note: Plublicity spot for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: January 25-31, 1989
Headline: 168 Hours
Subline: Comedy
Page(s): 17
Note: "Best bet" ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: January 25-31, 1989
Headline: The Gizmocrat is Back!!! New and Improved!!!
Photo:[Hodgson in usual plublicity shot.]
Page(s): 20
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: February 1-7, 1989
Headline: The Gizmocrat is Back!!! New and Improved!!!
Photo:[Hodgson in usual plublicity shot.]
Page(s): 23
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 1-7, 1989
Headline: April Fools Live!
Photo:[Hodgson in usual plublicity shot.]
Page(s): 17
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 15-21, 1989
Headline: 168 Hours
Subline: Comedy
Page(s): 26
Note: "Best bet" ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Star Tribune&-
Date: March 16, 1989
Headline: [unknown]
Author: [unknown]
Page(s): E6
Note: Mentions Hodgson in KMSP-TV special.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 22-28, 1989
Headline: "Seriously Weird Magazine" a comedy magazine show
Subline: hosted by: Joel Hodgson & Sue Scott
Page(s): 21
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 29-April 4, 1989
Headline: 167 Hours
Page(s): 22
Note: "Best best" ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: March 29-April 4, 1989
Headline: April Fools Live!
Page(s): 35
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: May 17-23, 1989
Headline: Laff Off
Photo: [Floating head plublicity shots of Frank Conniff, Trace Beaulieu,
Mike Nelson and Josh Weinstein, among others.]
Page(s): 29
Note: Ad for Laff Off competition.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: May 17-23, 1989
Headline: Live at the Guthrie
Photo: JERRY SEINFELD Observational comedy at its very best with special
guest JOEL HODGSON [in usual plublicity shot.]
Page(s): 33
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: May 24-30, 1989
Headline: Laff Off
Photo: [Floating head plublicity shot of Frank Conniff, among others.]
Page(s): 25
Note: Ad for Laff Off competition.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*
Date: May 31-June 6, 1989
Headline: T.V.
Subline: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ The Last Voyage?
Photo: Joel Hodgson and Crow in "The ultimate couch potato show." [Joel
with *long hair* and original Crow on original set.]
Author: Brauer, David
Page(s): 19
Note: MST3K has been put "on hiatus" from KTMA TV23.
Source: Star Tribune&-
Date: June 5, 1989
Headline: MST Live!
Photo: [Joel with long hair and original Crow.]
Page(s): E9
Note: Ad for MST "live" show at Comedy Gallery.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: June 7-13, 1989
Headline: Live at the Guthrie
Photo: JERRY SEINFELD Observational comedy at its very best with special
guest JOEL HODGSON [in usual plublicity shot.]
Page(s): 30
Note: Ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: June 21-27, 1989
Headline: 168 Hours
Subline: Comedy: Ongoing
Page(s): 18
Note: Mentions Hodgson's and Weinstein's stand-up acts.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: June 21-27, 1989
Headline: 168 Hours
Subline: Comedy: Monday
Page(s): 18
Note: "Best best" ad for Hodgson's stand-up act.
Source: Star Tribune*
Date: August 6, 1989
Headline: [unknown]
Photo: [Joel plays guitar while original Crow peers on.]
Author: Kaplan, Steven
Page(s): Sunday Magazine 4-6
Source: Minnesota Daily [University of Minnesota paper]
Date: August 18, 1989
Headline: Bachelor of Comedy
Author: Burns, Lisa
Page(s): 4 A&E
Note: Interview with Josh Weinstein during hiatus between KTMA's production
and the Comedy Channel's purchase of MST3K.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: September 27-October 3, 1989
Headline: The Comedy Gallery
Subline: Frank's Chop House
Photo: [Plublicity shot of Frank Conniff.]
Page(s): 21
Note: Ad for Laff Off competition.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: October 4-10, 1989
Headline: 168 Hours
Subline: Comedy
Author: Surowicz
Page(s): 19
Note: "Best bests" ad which mentions Hodgson and Conniff.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*
Date: October 11-17, 1989
Headline: _Mystery Science Theater_: A New Mission
Photo: [Joel with original Crow and original Tom.]
Author: Brauer, David
Page(s): 71
Note: MST3K picked up by HBO's Comedy Channel.
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*
Date: October 13, 1989
Headline: Hodgson Takes Act to HBO
Photo: [Unfortunately only of Bob Protzman. Ew!]
Author: Protzman, Bob
Page(s): C3
Note: MST3K moves to the Comedy Channel; Land O'Loons III.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: October 18-24, 1989
Headline: [none]
Photo: Rising comedy star Josh Weinstein joins Lizz Winstead and friends in
a "Stand Up for Choice" abortion rights education benefit at
Hennepin Center for the Arts on Monday. [Weinstein in plublicity
photo.]
Page(s): 45
Note: Plublicity spot for Weinstein's stand-up act.
Source: Skyway News*-
Date: November 2, 1989
Headline: 5 to 9
Subline: Comedy
Author: Mabery, D.L.
Page(s): 14
Note: "Best bets" ad for Hodgson's stand up.
Source: TV Guide*
Date: November 11, 1989
Headline: Can These Folks Tickle Your Funny Bone?
Photo: Joel Hodgson [in jumpsuit; mid-jump motion]
Author: Polskin, Howard
Page(s): 17-19
Note: *Bad* review!
Source: St. Paul Pioneer Press Dispatch*
Date: December 6, 1989
Headline: Comics are Funny, but Tamer, in 'Loons 3'
Author: Lambert, Brian
Page(s): B10
Note: Review of Land O'Loons III.
Source: Twin Cities Reader*-
Date: December 6-12, 1989
Headline: 168 Hours
Subline: Television: Wednesday
Author: Surowicz
Page(s): 17
Note: "Best bests" ad for Land O'Loons III.
Source: Star Tribune*
Date: April 1, 1990
Headline: Great Fun If You Can Get It
Subline: Cover Story
Cover photo: Joel Hodgson/ Dave Matheny writes about the local comedian's
return to TV on the HBO cabel Comedy Channel [l-r, Crow, Hodgson,
Servo on old set from first CC season]
Photo: Joel Hodgson [in jumpsuit next to planet.]
Author: Matheny, Dave
Page(s): TV Week 1, 3, 34
Note: "Local" review of MST3K after it went to the Comedy Channel.
Source: TV Guide*
Date: August 25, 1990
Headline: Cheers and Jeers
Subline: Cheers
Photo: [Hodgson "spinning" planet on finger.]
Author: [unknown]
Page(s): 23
Source: The New York Times*
Date: September 6, 1990
Headline: Wry "MST 3000" a Trash-Film Treat
Photo: Droll Host: Joel Hodgson
Author: Schultz, Paul
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: People's Weekly#
Date: October 8, 1990
Headline: Picks & Pans
Author: Hiltbrand, David
Page(s): 9-10
Note: Short review.
Source: Time*
Date: October 29, 1990
Headline: My In-Law, the Housefly
Subline: Off-the-wall comedy flourished in out-of-the-way places
Photo: Hodgson of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_: Movie heckling in outer
space [Joel leaping in space.]
Author: Zoglin, Richard
Page(s): 95
Note: Short review.
Source: People Weekly*
Date: December 31, 1990-January 7, 1991
Headline: Picks & Pans
Subline: Best of Tube
Author: [unknown]
Page(s): 15
Note: MST3K one of top 10 shows.
Source: Entertainment Weekly*-
Date: January 18, 1991
Headline: News & Notes
Subline: The Last Laff
Author: Svetkey, Benjamin
Page(s): 6
Note: MST3K salvaged from comedy TV merger.
Source: Rolling Stone*
Date: January 24, 1991
Headline: Comic Enterprise
Photo: Joel Hodgson with robot friends [l-r Gypsy, Crow, Joel, Servo]
Author: [unknown]
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: Corporate Report Minnesota*
Date: April 1991
Headline: The Million-Dollar Sight Gag
Subline: Joel Hodgson and partner Jim Mallon have parlayed a comic bit using
robots, B movies, and smart-alecky commentary into a lucrative cable
TV deal
Photo: Hodgson (front) and Mallon: "*Okay*, Mr. White Male Reality!"
(Photograph by Bill Miller.) [Gypsy, Crow and Servo surround
Hodgson and Mallon on the Satellite of Love, bathed in a light
purple glow.]
Author: Brauer, David
Page(s): 40-43, 45-46
Note: Interview with Hodgson and Mallon on the business side of Best Brains.
Source: The Milwaukee Journal*
Date: May 30, 1991
Headline: Drama's out, laugh machines in
Author: Drew, Mike
Page(s): D4
Note: MST3K salvaged from comedy TV merger.
Source: USA Today*
Date: May 31, 1991
Headline: Wired for Weirdness on Cable
Subline: TV Preview
Author: Roush, Matt
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: Post
Date: June 1991
Headline: Open House: Exacting Science Fiction
Subline: Comedy TV's sci-fi laugher retro-rockets into the "future" via IVL
Post.
Photo: Space Camp: _Mystery Science Theater_ conjures the early days of TV
by running very bad movies which the keyed-in talent watches (in
silhouette) and criticizes. [Photo of Joel on the bridge of the
Satellite of Love flanked on the left by Crow and on the right by
Tom Servo.]
Photo: High tech for low tech: IVL's Paulson uses Ampex ADO, Zeus and
Vista switcher to create the retro look. [Photo of interior IVL
control room.]
Author: Stokes, Jim
Page(s): [unknown]
Note: Techie; for those into video FX.
Source: Wall Street Journal*
Date: July 8, 1991
Headline: Revenge of the Critic
Subline: Television: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_
Author: Goldberg, Robert
Page(s): A7 (west) or A5 (east)
Source: New York Times*
Date: July 12, 1991
Headline: Comic's Notebook
Subline: [] a New Cable Channel, Looking for a Laugh
Photo: Joel Hodgson, the host of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," with one
of his heckling props. [Crow.]
Author: O'Connor, John J.
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: Entertainment Weekly*
Date: August 16, 1991
Headline: On Location: Crummy Movies, Funny Jokes
Subline: Lips and Laughs on Cable's Clever _Mystery Science Theater_
Photo: WEIRD SCIENCE: MST creator Hodgson with Crow (left) and Tom Servo
[right] (Photograph by Kevin Horan) [Joel gives us a most pitiful
look with a rare side-view of the satellite.]
Author: Svetkey, Benjamin
Page(s): 49
Source: The Washington Post*
Date: August 17, 1991
Headline: TV Preview
Subline: On Cable, Three Jeers For B-Movies
Author: Mills, David
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: The Washington Post*
Date: November 27, 1991
Headline: 'MST3K' Means Fine Television
Subline: 'MST3K,' Delighting in Really Bad Movies
Photo: Joel Hodgson of "Mystery Science Theater 3000." [With Crow and
Servo.]
Photo: Joel Hodgson of "MST3K." [With Tom Servo from Turkey Day.]
Author: Shales, Tom
Page(s): B1-B2
Source: USA Today*-
Date: November 13, 1991
Headline: Television
Subline: Inside TV
Author: Johnson, Peter
Page(s): D3
Note: MST3K gets ACE nomination.
Source: Mademoiselle*
Date: February 1992
Headline: Movies from Outer Space
Subline: Think bad movies are hell on Earth? You're not alone
Photo: Joel Hodgson and friends [l-r Gypsy, Crow, Joel, Servo]
Author: Rosenbaum, Ron
Page(s): 54-55, 60
Note: Outrageous!
Source: San Francisco Chronicle
Date: February 3, 1992
Headline: Tom Servo Explains It All
Author: Carrol, Jon
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: The UCSD Guardian
Date: February 6, 1992
Headline: [unknown]
Author: Snell, Jason
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: Entertainment Weekly*
Date: February 21, 1992
Headline: A "Mystery" Made for Mail Order
Photo: Dog Bone: Demon Dog, a Mystery Science Big Seller
Author: Benjamin Svetkey
Page(s): 42
Source: Pulse!*
Date: March 1992
Headline: The Art of Heckling: "Bad print, bad sound, bad for you."
Subline: The _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ TV series takes revenge on killer
b-movies
Photo: Our hosts: Crow, Joel and Tom Servo [l-r Crow, Joel, Servo]
Author: Weidenbaum, Marc
Note(s): Pulse! associate editor Marc Weidenbaum looks forward to _Citizen
Kane: The MST3K Edition_.
Page(s): 128
Source: Satellite Orbit*
Date: March 1992
Headline: Out of This World
Author: [unknown]
Page(s): 28
Source: New York Post*
Date: March 10, 1992
Headline: "Mystery Science Theater" Movie
Author: M.G. [unknown]
Page(s): [unknown]
Note: About MST3K movie.
Source: Rolling Stone*-
Date: March 19, 1992
Headline: [unknown]
Photo: The lady in the lake: The Pail and Shovel party buries the Statue of
Libery in icy waters. [Statue of Liberty looks like it's burried in
the lake while three people walk around it.]
Author: [unknown]
Page(s): 68
Note: About Jim Mallon's Pail and Shovel party from college.
Source: Satellite TV Week#
Date: March 22-28, 1992
Headline: 'MST 3000's' Spacey Comedy Appeals to Earthlings
Cover photo: Sci-Fi Guy: Joel Hodgson of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_
[Hodgson with hands on hips in spacey background]
Photo: Joel Hodgson with buddies Crow (left) and Tom Servo [right].
Photo: "MST 3000's" mad scientists, Frank (Frank Conniff, left) and Dr.
Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu [right]).
Author: Williams, Wendy
Page(s): Cover, 1
Source: TV Guide#
Date: April 18, 1992
Headline: Big Fans on Campus
Author: Cary, Alice
Page(s): 31
Note: What college campus kids are watching on TV.
Source: Springfield News-Leader
Date: June 4, 1992
Headline: Fun With Bad Flick
Author: Hughes, Mike
Page(s): D4
Source: The Washington Post
Date: June 5, 1992
Headline: Defying Gravity
Subline: TV Preview: Comedy Central's Wonderful Bad Movies
Author: Shales, Tom
Page(s): Style [?]
Source: People Weekly#
Date: June 8, 1992
Headline: Picks & Pans
Subline: Tube
Author: Hiltbrand, David
Page(s): 13
Note: Short preview of fourth season.
Source: Chicago Sun-Times
Date: June 11, 1992
Headline: 'MST 3-K' Twists Old Flicks Into Wild Glee
Photo: Joel Hodgson cracks wise during moldy old B movies on _Mystery
Science Theater 3000_ at 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. Saturdays on Comedy
Central. [Typical publicity shot of Joel and all three 'bots on the
bridge of the SOL.]
Author: Grahnke, Lon
Page(s): 2:45
Source: City Pages#-
Date: July 1, 1992
Photo: [from top to bottom: planetoid; Gypsy, Crow, Joel and Servo; Frank
and Forrester; Joel and the 'bots in theater seats.]
Page(s): 30
Note: Ad for IT'S ALIVE!
Source: Skyway News#
Date: July 7, 1992
Headline: Comedy: Down to Earth
Subline: Joel Hodgson comes in from outer space to do 'Mystery Science
Theater' at the Uptown Theatre.
Photo: Joel Hodgson and his robot pals Crow (left) and Tom-Servo (right)
are getting a break from cable TV to perform live theater. No word
yet on what robot Gypsy (center) will be doing. [Photo from first
season.]
Author: Zurowski, Cory
Page(s): 20-21
Note: IT'S ALIVE! preview
Source: City Pages#
Date: July 8, 1992
Headline: Arts: Live Action Wacky Rolling Figures!
Subline: Mere tapeheads no longer, the folks at _Mystery Science Theater 3000_
are taking it to the streets.
Cover: The Final Frontier: Mystery Science Theater goes live (Sutton, 14)
Photo: [Of Gamera breathing fire while Joel and the 'bots look on from
their theater seats.]
Author: Sutton, Terri
Page(s): 14
Note: IT'S ALIVE! preview; fowl language by author (really)
Source: Twin Cities Reader#
Date: July 8, 1992
Headline: Comedy
Subline: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_: Goofs in the Machine
Cover: TV FOR THE CULTURAL ELITE: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ Comes of Age
Photo: Joel Hodgson and friends [Crow, right; Servo, left with their RAM
chips] aboard the newly debugged "Satellite of Love."
Author: Miller, Mark
Page(s): 24-25
Note: IT'S ALIVE! preview
Source: Star Tribune#
Date: July 10, 1992
Headline: The Mystery Science show touching down at the Uptown
Cover: VARIETY: Stage shtick: Cable TV's 'Mystery Science Theater' offers
Uptown show
Photo: Staff Photo/Rick Sennott Joel Hodgson and his robot sidekicks on
the set of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," which is touching down at
the Uptown Theatre tonight. [From 1-r, Gypsy, Crow, Joel and Servo.]
Author: Holston, Noel
Page(s): A1, E1, E4
Note: IT'S ALIVE! preview; interview with *characters*
Source: OMNI#
Date: August 1992
Headline: Behind the Screen at Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000
Cover: Laughing at the Future With Mystery Science 3000 [sic]
Contents: Comedy Central's hottest show stars robots and terrible movies.
Photo: [Dr. F and Frank stand back-to-back; in contents section.]
Photo: Sweetly plaintive space exile and MST creator Joel "Robinson"
Hodgson (far left). [Joel with tilted head.]
Photo: Editors: Robot stars and their "mortal souls" (center, left to
right): Gypsy/Jim Mallon, Crow/Trace Beaulieu, and Tom Servo/Kevin
Murphy. [In the workshop with white lab coats and 'bots.]
Photo: Evil scientists: "TV's Frank" Conniff (opposite page, right) [Frank
makes face] and Beaulieu as Dr. Clayton Forrester (center)
[Forrester makes face], together in _The Amazing Colossal Man_ [you
wish!] (above). [Forrester pulls out the big needle.]
Photo: Toolmaster Jef Maynard and some techno-wizardly "home cooking"
(above). [Maynard makes skull space craft.]
Photo: Look out below, it's Godzilla! He's making things hot for his sci-
fi foes, but he's the one "getting roasted" by captive film critics
(left to right): Tom Servo, Joel, and that metalloid Marx Brother,
Crow. [Gamera blowing steam as the threesome watch from the
theater.]
Author: Long, Marion
Page(s): Cover, 4, 34-36, 40, 70
Source: Star Tribune#-
Date: September 5, 1992
Headline: IT CAME FROM THE FAIR!
Author: Matheny, Dave
Page(s): E1, E2
Note: Best Brains comments on gizmos at the Minnesota State Fair.
Source: Skyway News#-
Date: September 29-October 5, 1992
Headline: Calendar
Subline: Comedy: Saturday, Oct. 3: "Stand-Up for Choice IV."
Author: Bacskai, Andrew
Page(s): 22
Note: A "best bets" ad for comedy benefit with Frank Conniff and Josh
Weinstein among others.
Source: City Pages#-
Date: September 30, 1992
Headline: Stand-Up for Choice IV
Page(s): 17
Note: Ad for comedy benefit with Frank Conniff and Josh Weinstein among
others.
Source: City Pages#-
Date: September 30, 1992
Headline: Night & Day
Subline: Saturday 3: Comedy: Stand-Up for Choice IV
Author: Sutton
Page(s): 20-21
Note: A "best bets" ad for comedy benefit with Frank Conniff and Josh
Weinstein among others.
Source: Twin Cities Reader#-
Date: September 30-October 6, 1992
Headline: Stand-Up for Choice IV
Page(s): 33
Note: Ad for comedy benefit with Frank Conniff and Josh Weinstein among
others.
Source: Twin Cities Reader#-
Date: September 30-October 6, 1992
Headline: Calendar
Subline: 3 Saturday: Comedy: World Theater
Author: Smith, Mary Ellen
Page(s): 41
Note: A "best bets" ad for comedy benefit with Frank Conniff and Josh
Weinstein among others.
Source: Premiere#
Date: November 1992
Headline: Fine Tuning: Cable Ready
Photo: "MST3K": Say cheese. [Servo, Joel, Crow, Gypsy, Dr. F and Frank
with planetoid and coffee cups.]
Author: Kirk Cordero, Caroline
Page(s): 123
Source: USA Today*
Date: November 25, 1992
Headline: Critic's Choice
Photo: by Anthony Neste/"JOEL HODGSON: Mystery Science Theater 3000 host"
[Joel "spins" planet on finger.]
Author: Roush, Matt
Page(s): D [unknown]
Source: The Washington Post*
Date: November 26, 1992
Headline: Play Mistee [sic] for Me
Subline: All Mistee-Eyed Over 'MST3K'
Photo: "Joel Hodgson and his zany robot pals on 'Mystery Science Theater
3000'."
Author: Shales, Tom
Page(s): B1, B4
Source: Campus Voice#
Date: December 1992
Headline: Diversions
Subline: Mystery Science Theater 3000: Wiseacres in Space--Bad movies on
cable? Nothing new. But bad movies made funny? Welcome to Mystery
Science Theater 3000, cable TV's best-kept secret.
Photo: Godzilla photograph from movie still archives; hand-coloring by Don
Dudenbostel/[Hand-painted Godzilla distroys town; hand-painted
planetoid hangs over city; silhouette of Servo, Joel and Crow at
bottom.]
Photo: Best Brains Inc./The characters of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_:
(left to right) Tom Servo, our hero Joel Robinson, Crow, Gypsy, mad
scientist Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu), his henchman "TV's
Frank" (Frank Conniff). [All with coffee cups.]
Inset: [on other "pages" with small Godzilla picture] Mystery Science Theater
3000: Cable TV's cult hit mixes sci-fi and sarcasm.
Author: Gardner, Lee
Page(s): [none; poster magazine]
Source: Seventeen*
Date: December 1992
Headline: Cool Talk
Photo: _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ photo, Michael Kienitz. _MST 3000_
illustration, Ed Melnitsky. [Usual promotional photo of Crow, Joel
and Servo with drawn theater seats at the bottom.]
Author: [none]
Page(s): 42
Source: Entertainment Weekly#
Date: December 4, 1992
Headline: Credits: Look Who's Watching
Subline: Movie critics are all over TV. Here's our view of the good and the
god-awful.
Photo: Hodgson with Crow (left), Servo
Author: Appelo, Tim
Page(s): 12
Source: Entertainment Weekly#-
Date: December 11, 1992
Headline: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet
Subline: What the country is talking about this week...
Author: Mullen, Jim
Page(s): 8
Source: Entertainment Weekly#-
Date: December 11, 1992
Headline: Shop Around the Clock
Subline: From _Coach_ balls to _House_ dolls, TV trappings for all hours of
the day.
Photo: Photography by John Wilkes [A variety of TV merchandise, including
MST3K's "Fluid Containment Vessel" somewhat hidden at the bottom of
the pile.]
Author: Meyers, Kate
Page(s): 54
Source: Cyberspace Vanguard Magazine
Date: January 6, 1993
Headline: "JOIN US:" INSIGHT INTO THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED _MYSTERY SCIENCE
THEATER 3000_
Author: Jenkins, Lisa
Page(s): [unknown; electronic magazine]
Source: Newsweek*
Date January 18, 1993
Headline: Television: Hip Lips Dis Yucky Flicks
Subline: A cable cult hit roasts moviedom's turkeys
Photo: Michael Kienitz/One-liners for every level of brow: Shooting up
another dog on MST3K [Dr. F pulls out the Amazing Colossal needle
while Frank holds the cotton wad.]
Author: Waters, Harry F.
Page(s): 65
Source: The Washington Post*
Date: [unknown]
Headline: Tom Shales's Best Bets of '91
Author: Shales, Tom
Page(s): [unknown]
Note: From list of author's favorite shows.
Source: Los Angeles Daily News*
Date: [unknown]
Headline: Comedy Series on Cable Gives Bad Movies a Good Talking To
Subline: Television
Photo: Joel Hodgson and his two robot pals on _Mystery Science Theater
3000_, who give a running commentary as they're forced to watch bad
movies. [l-r Gypsy, Crow, Joel, Servo]
Author: Moca, Diane Joy
Page(s): [unknown]
Source: Montgomery [Alabama] Adverstiser*
Date: [unknown]
Headline: 'Science Theater' Scores with Bombs
Subline: Review
Photo: SPACE COMEDIAN: Joel Hodgson has appeared on 'Late Night' [Joel with
hands on hips in spacey background.]
Author: Harmon, Rick
Page(s): [unknown] to D4
Source: Minneapolis Star and Tribune#
Date: [unknown]
Headline: Best Bet: Laugh With a Prop Comic
Photo: [Hodgson with his squirt flamethrower boutonniere.]
Author: Covert, Colin
Page(s): [unknown]
Note: Small review of Joel's stand-up performance.
Source: The Milwaukee Journal*
Date: [unknown]
Headline: [unknown]
Subline: From UHF to Cable
Author: Drew, Mike
Page(s): [unknown]
Note: Local Hodgson makes MST3K.
Source: [unknown]
Date: [unknown]
Headline: Upclose
Subline: Joel Hodgson and his sci-fi space cadet sidekicks turn trash into
treasure on Mystery Science Theater 3000
Photo: MST 3000's Crow, Joel Hodgson and Tom Servo [pictured l-r]
Author: E.K. [unknown]
Page(s): [unknown]
Rich Kulawiec
Version: $Header: mst3k-part3,v 1.8 93/12/06 21:29:29 rsk Exp $
This is the "Episode Guide" mailing/posting for fans of "Mystery Science
Theater 3000". It has been derived from a large number of sources --
see the credits in the FAQ posting for a detailed list of everybody who
has contributed at one point or another.
You should probably check the date in the "Version" line above to make
sure the copy you're reading is reasonably up-to-date before sending
corrections. Speaking of which, corrections should be mailed to:
Caveat: Considerable, uh, entropy exists where the first two seasons,
i.e. the KTMA seasons, are concerned. It will probably all probably
get sorted out eventually, but this is probably not a pressing issue,
since very few people have or can get the tapes anyway. The Comedy
Central seasons are much more organized. Just relax.
Lots of people contributed to this guide; see the MST3K FAQ for a long
list of folks involved in making this happen.
First (KTMA) Season ("blue set", 1988-89)
-----------------------------------------
Credits (Hair Brain Productions):
Created by: Joel Hodgson
Produced by: Jim Mallon
Starring: Joel Hodgson (Joel Hodgson; he used his real name)
Puppet Operation and Voices: Josh Weinstein (Servo and Gypsy), Trace Beaulieu
(Crow), Kevin Murphy (Cambot)
Mad Scientists: Josh Weinstein (Dr. Laurence Erhardt), Trace Beaulieu (Dr.
Clayton Forrester)
"The Love Theme from _Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000_"
Lyrics: Joel Hodgson, Josh Weinstein
Music: Charlie Erickson, Joel Hodgson
Sung by: "Joel and The Joels" (Joel Hodgson)
Recorded at: Sing Sing Studios
Program produced through the facilities of KTMA-TV.
KTMA-1 November 24, 1988 Thunderbirds in Outer Space
Notes: A Gerry Anderson Puppet show
KTMA-2 November 24, 1988 Revenge of the Mysterons
Notes: revpk's guess is that this is an episode of
"Captain Scarlet," a Gerry Anderson puppet show.
KTMA-3 November 27, 1988 Invaders from the Deep
KTMA-4 December 4, 1988 Gamera vs. Barugon
KTMA-5 December 11, 1988 Gamera [Joel does film by himself]
Pre: Deep froze Crow for Chrismas tree
Skits: Phone messages: End credits/hair stylist
Gypsy does Godzilla impression
Ted Turner opinion survey
Coalition of friends for giant mutant turtles
and coalition of friends of giant slimey lizards
with long nasty tongues
Fight footage
Post: Deep froze Crow for Christmas tree revisited
KTMA-6 December 18, 1988 Gamera vs. Zigra [Crow gets unfroze]
KTMA-7 December 31, 1989/January 1, 1989 Gamera vs. Zigra
Notes: special New Year's rebroadcast
KTMA-8 January 1989 (week of Super Bowl) SST Death Flight
Before show: "Death Flight Song"
Pre: Dr. F wins lots of money/brings Larry Foundation Trilogy Gift Set
Joel does spit take
Skits: Servo gets pain shocks
Gypsy's voice is sexy!
Limbo to the "Banana Boat Song"
Post: Letters from female fans
Credits: Puppet Voice: Faye Burkholder (Gypsy)
KTMA-9 April 1989
Skits: Joel gets trapped outside the ship for the
only all-robot episode.
KTMA-10 May 7, 1989 The Million Eyes of Su-Muru
Skits: Idio probes
Servo judged
"Love Theme"
Post: Servo's mouth doesn't work/900 in fan club
Notes: from "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Based on a Sax Rohmer
tale. Large-breasted females love to torture men in their rituals.
[Note: Sax Rohmer is the creator of Fu Manchu.]
KTMA-11 May 14, 1989 Hangar 18
Pre: Joel introduces movie
Skits: Crow gets a spanking
Crow's memory cleanup
Crow's first memory
Post: 1,000 fan club member will win Demon Dog
Plot Summary: The Air Force captures a real flying saucer.
KTMA-12 May 21, 1989 The Last Chase
Pre: Dr. F tries to make cold fusion in Larry's mouth
Skits: Humanity lesson for the 'bots
Post: Winner of 1,000 fan club member
Fan club letter
Comments: Lee Majors plays a race-car driver in a future without
fuel. Because he's in denial, he's stashed away a racing car so he
and Chris Makepeace can drive it cross-country to California,
where cars are still legal. Both a jet plane and pilot
Burgess Meredith are de-mothballed. For a low-budget film, the
cinematography is on a professional level, at least. -- Brian Siano
KTMA-13 May 28, 1989 ???
Skits: How does Godzilla burn a model KFC
Post: Retrospective video on past episodes with "What a
Wonderful World" playing in the background.
KTMA-15 1988 Thunderbirds are Go
(this may be "Thunderbirds in Outer Space")
KTMA-16 1988 Gamera vs. Gaos
Skits: Messages from the MST answering machine
KTMA-17 Gamera vs. Guiron
KTMA-18 January 1989 Time of the Apes
KTMA-19 January 1989 Mighty Jack
KTMA-20 Jan/Feb 1989 Fugitive Alien
KTMA-21 1989 Humanoid Woman
KTMA-22 1989 Phase IV
Notes: This is actually a pretty good movie. Director Saul Bass is
best known for his titles sequences for other filmmakers, such as
for Vertigo, Psycho, Spartacus, and Walk on the Wild Side: and in
some cases, rumors fly around that Bass actually directed some of
the more interesting segments of these films, which gives you an
idea of the man's rep. (For example, Bass storyboarded out Psycho's
shower sequence, and some people have mistakenly given him the
credit for Spartacus's battle sequences. And yeah, I think he's
the same Bass of Rankin-Bass Productions.) This nifty thriller about
a pair of scientists trying to understand an intelligent hive of
ants was Bass's feature debut. Extraordinary ant photography by
Ken Middleham and a good performance by Nigel Davenport make this
a rarity-- a _good_ film MSTed by Joel and the Bots. There was
also a lengthy, surrealistic sequence depicting how man would be
controlled by the ants, but this was cut by the film's distributor.
Knowing Bass's work, it's a major loss. -- Brian Siano
Saul Bass is also known for the wonderful short film,
"Why Man Creates" ---Rsk
KTMA-23 1989 City on Fire
Notes; A low-budget disaster movie, starring (if I recall)
Henry Fonda and Shelley Winters --- Brian Siano
KTMA-24 1989 Death at the Super Bowl
KTMA-25 ?? Space: 1999 -- Moonbase Alpha
(???) Space 1999 film
The first film was two episodes from the second season. One
of which was the introduction of Maya(?)....the woman who
transforms into animals. I would guess the second half of
the film was the second episode of the second season.
(???) Space 1999 film
Two episodes from the second season that form one story. The
plot is that that a bunch of aliens arrive disguised as earth
people and only the Commander can see through the disguise.
(I'm not sure if this was an MST 3000 film or not).
KTMA-?? The Chill Factor??
We're not sure what this is.
Second (KTMA) Season ("red set", 1989)
--------------------------------------
Credits:
Writers: Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Josh Weinstein, Jim Mallon, Kevin Murphy
Associate Producers: Kevin Murphy, Vince Rodriguez
Production Assistant: Alex Carr
Make-up: Faye Burkholder
Director: Vince Rodriguez
Audio: Todd Ziegler
Camera: Kevin Murphy
Art Director: Joel Hodgson
Lighting: Kevin Murphy
Color Consultant: Lisa Erickson
Hair Designs by: Mr. Crow of Beverly Hills
Credits for Best Brains, Inc., which apparently started showing up in '89:
Created by: Joel Hodgson
Produced by: Jim Mallon
Crow (T. Robot): Trace Beaulieu
Joel Robinson: Joel Hodgson
(Tom) Servo: Josh Weinstein (Comedy Channel 89/90 season), Kevin Murphy
(Comedy Channel 90/91 and Comedy Central seasons)
Gypsy: Jim Mallon
Cambot: Himself
Dr. Clayton Forrester: Trace Beaulieu
Dr. Laurence Erhardt: Josh Weinstein (Comedy Channel 89/90 season)
(TV's) Frank: Frank Conniff (Comedy Channel 90/91 and Comedy Central seasons)
(Magic Voice; not credited on screen; all at various times): Jann L. Johnson,
Alexandra B. Carr, Kevin Murphy, Ellen McDonough
"The Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic] (3000)"
Lyrics: Joel Hodgson, Josh Weinstein
Music: Charlie Erickson, Joel Hodgson
Performed by: "Joel and The Joels" (Joel Hodgson)
Mastered at: Blue Light Music, Minneapolis
Shot entirely on location at Best Brains Studios, Minneapolis.
Filmed in shadowramma.
First (Comedy Central) Season (1989-90)
---------------------------------------
Credits:
Writers: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson, Jim Mallon, Kevin Murphy, Mike Nelson,
Josh Weinstein
Featuring: Joel Hodgson's Puppet Bots
Associate Producer: Kevin Murphy
Production Manager: Alexandra B. Carr
Editor: Randy Davis
Art Direction: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson
Set Design: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson
Lighting: Kevin Murphy
Make-up: Faye Burkholder, Clayton James
Costumes: Bow Tie
Gizmonic Devices: Joel Hodgson
Production Assistants: Jann L. Johnson, Steve Rosenberer, Sara J. Sandborn
Production/Post Production: Fuller Productions, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Production Staff: Ken Fournelle, Jim Fuller
Production Assistant: Jim Erickson
Special thanks: Randy Herget, Skyline Inc., Bryan Beaulieu, KTMA TV23, The
Teachers of America, David Campbell, Rick Leed
101 The Crawling Eye
Pre: Larry not good in disguise
Inventions: J: Electric bagpipe MS: Canine Pineal Gland Serum
Skits: Head games, Gypsy uncoiled, The Crawling Forrest Tucker
Post: Name good thing/bad thing for RAM chip
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": This film is lowered
a few notches by obvious special effects hoke. A mountainous ski
resort area is terrorized by an unseen invader from outer space,
who kills via poison gas. The creature turns out to be a large
tentacled crawling eye which is more than a match for
hero-scientist Forrest Tucker.
From "Future Tense: The Cinema of Science Fiction": (Also known as
The Trollenberg Terror) Set in an Australian ski resort called
Trollenberg it concerns a scientist who becomes increasingly
suspicious about a number of mysterious disappearances in the area.
He realizes that all the missing people were seen in the vicinity
of one particular mountain, whose summit is always covered in cloud
no matter what the prevailing weather conditions.
Eventually it is discovered that the mountaintop has been taken
over by a number of grotesque alien creatures who use the
manufactured cloud to conceal their activities. As they come from
a planet with avery low atmospheric pressure they are at first
restricted to the top of the mountain, but then they succeed in
creating a force field which will enable them to extend their
influence. The cloud begins to move down the mountain until it covers
the village, and with the cloud come the creatures, which resemble
giant turnips with tentacles. But all is saved when a squadron
of United Nations planes arrive and bomb the monsters to pieces.
(Special effects man Les Bowie.) "It had an awful lot of
effects in it, and there was one shot of a cloud on the mountain
that was really terrible. I squirm when I see it on TV now and I
squirmed when I filmed it, but we were in a mad hurry at the time.
We did the cloud with just a piece of cotton wool-- we stuck it on
a photograph of a mountain with a nail and then filmed it. And they
used that photograph time and time again during the film: every time
a character looked out of a window they'd cut to this photograph
and we'd have stuck the cotton wool in a new position. Awful!"
102 The Robot vs The Aztec Mummy (Commando Cody part 1)
Pre: Dr. F blew up mad convention center/improved security at Deep 13
Inventions: J: Air-bag helmet for motorcyclists MS: Chalk-man
Skits: Servo will save us from the demon dogs
Enoch--leader of demon dogs
Crow tries to be Enoch
Post: Joel sends demon dogs to fetch
Credits: Special Guest Puppet: Enoch (Jim Mallon)
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": A mad scientist irks the
Aztec mummy when, after a series of poor attepts at gate crashing
the mummy's tomb, he decides to employ a large robot to do the
breaking and entering for him.
103 Mad Monster (Commando Cody part 2)
Pre: How MS went mad
Inventions: J: Hell in a Handbag MS: Acetyline-powered lizard
Skits: Tom tries to pick up a blender
Stupid questions about werewolves
Joel switches Crow's and Tom's heads: Servo-Crowatian.
"Beverly Hillbillies" song parody
Post: Ontological discourse
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Dr. Lorenzo Cameron has
a plan. Through a series of blood transfusions, he believes he can
create a race of superwerewolves to do battle with the Nazis.
Assistant Pedro isn't too keen on the idea-- he's the doctor's
first experimental model.
104 Women of the Prehistoric Planet
Pre: Joel is a talk-show host (who?)
Inventions: J: Toilet Paper in a Bottle MS: Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn
Skits: Joel -- this is your life
Isaac Asimov's Literary Doomsday Device
Duplicate Isaac Asimovs (Aismovinator)
Post: Avocado Boy names - winner of the brainstorm
Credits: Additional Writers: Alexandra Carr, Jann Johnson
Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley, Neil Brede
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson, Elisabet Sandberg
Notes: This is where "Haikeeba!" comes from.
105 Corpse Vanishes (Commando Cody part 3)
Pre: Forrester gives Larry Foundation Trilogy Gift Set
Inventions: J: Chiro-Gyro MS: Flame Flower
Skits: "Tiger-Bot" issue on Data
Game of Tag
At the barbershop
Post: Name good thing/bad thing for a RAM chip/Servo's head explodes
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Post Production Audio: Rich Cook, TeleEdit, Minneapolis
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Bela Lugosi replaces
George Zucco, John Carradine or the actor of your choice as the
mad doctor who conducts rather unorthodox experiments in the hope
of making his wife eternally young.
106 The Crawling Hand
Pre: Joel explains show
Inventions: J: Safety Saw MS: Limb Lengthener
Skits: Let's play murder ball!
Shatner choking
What can a hand do?
Post: Name a Good thing and a Bad Thing about this movie for a RAM chip
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Post Production Audio: Rich Cook, TeleEdit, Minneapolis
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Funny stuff of the
unintentional variety. An astronaut returns to earth with a
dismembered hand which crawls around and murders the cast who,
judging from their performances, deserve their fate. The hand is
facetious portrayed by mechanical pieces of trivia apparently
concocted during a bad day at the local five and dime store.
The hand appears to be winning the battle between the fingers
and the frightened humans until it is eaten by a stray cat.
Movies are better than ever.
107 Robot Monster (Commando Cody parts 4 & 5)
Pre: Joel explains show / Gypsy is injured
Inventions: J: Cumber-bubble-bund MS: Self-inflating Whoopie Cushion
Skits: Can bumblebees fly and other conundra
Kill the Hu-Man!
Surrealism
Post: The Life and Times of Ro-man
Credits: Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Post Production Audio: Rich Cook, TeleEdit, Minneapolis
Notes: From "Castle of Frankenstein magazine #24": It is a handful
of flicks like this that makes all these listing chores something
to look forward to. Certainly among the finest terrible movies ever
made, this ridiculous gem presents as economical a space invasion
as ever committed to gilm: one (1) Ro-Man invader consisting of
a) a gorilla suit, b) a diving helmet with a set of antennae.
Hiding out in one of the more familiar Hollywood caves with his
extraterrestrial bubble machine (no, we're not being facetious:
it actually is a 2-way 'alien' radio-TV thing, consisting of an old
war surplus shortwave set resting on a small kitchen table, that
emits Lawrence Welk-like bubbles), Ro-Man's trying to wipe out the
last six humans left on earth, and thus make the planet safe for
colonization by Ro-Men (from the planet Ro-man, where else?) This
early 3-D effort has attained legendary (and richly deserved)
status as one of the most laughable of all poverty row quickies,
although the pic does make some scatterbrained sense when viewed as
a child's-eye monster fantasy (it's all a dream experienced by a
sci-fi-crazed '50's tyke). Rousing musical score by Elmer Bernstein
is great and keeps it all moving. Directed in three frenzied days
by Phil Tucker, who also did the little-known and equally
hysterical Lenny Bruce vehicle _Dance Hall Racket_.
From "Danse Macabre" by Stephen King: ...I made a grave mistake
concerning Robot Monster (and Ro-Man can be seen, in a mad sort
of way, as the forerunner of the evil Cylons in Battlestar Galactica)
about ten years ago. It came on the Saturday night Creature Feature,
and I prepared for the occasion by smoking some pretty good reefer.
I don't smoke dope often, because when stoned everything strikes me
funny. That night I almost laughed myself into a hernia. Tears were
rolling down my cheeks and I was literally on the floor for most
of the movie. Luckily, the movie only runs about sixty-three minutes;
another twenty minutes of watching Ro-man tune his war-surplus
shortwave/bubble machine in "one of the more familiar Hollywood caves"
and I think I would have laughed myself to death.
108 The Slime People (Commando Cody part 6)
Pre: Crow - Portrait of a Morning Person
Inventions: J: Bulging Eyes MS: Screaming Cotton Candy
Skits: Bots vs. Commando Cody
Why was this film made?
Ship filled with fog
Post: Silicon Diode Pie
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Slimy creatures from
under the ground surface and begin a reign of predictable and
laughable terror.
109 Project Moonbase (Commando Cody parts 7 & 8)
Pre: Robot baths / Pictionary
Inventions: J: Water Juggling MS: Insect-a-sketch
Skits: Servo plays Commando Cody
Ties of the future
SPACOM--1001 uses
Post: Gravity Fun
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley, Neil Brede
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Alan Hale, Jr.
Notes: From "Future Tense: The Cinema of Science Fiction": Set in 1970,
it starts with the first orbital flight around the moon being
organized from a United States space station in orbit around the
earth. The pilot of the spaceship is to be a female officer called
Colonel Breiteis ("Bright Eyes," a typical Heinlein touch) and she
is to be accompanied by two males-- Major Moore and Dr. Wernher.
Little does anyone realize, however, that the Dr. Wernher who
arrives at the space station is not the real one but an enemy
impostor. The ship leaves its base on schedule but during its trip
to the moon Moore discovers the truth about Wernher; they fight and
in doing so activate the wrong set of controls which sends the shop
hurtling out of its orbit. With their fuel almost gone they are
obliged to crash-land the rocket on the moon's surface. They
survive the landing but are stranded on the moon. Relations between
Moore and the false Wernher do not improve and, during the erection
of a television aerial on the summit of a moon mountain Wernher
falls to his death. This leaves Breiteis and Moore alone on the
moon, something that the American public finds very disturbing, and
when communication with the space sation is established again one
of the first things their commanding officer does is order them to
marry-- to appease public opinion. Their marriage is subsequently
performed-- via television-- by Madame President of the USA and the
American public is able to breathe more easily.
From "The Encyclopedia of Science Fiction": This rarely-seen, low-
budget SF film is of interest mainly because Robert Heinlein worked
on the screenplay. A group of space explorers take off for the Moon
from a station orbiting Earth. The aim of their expedition is to
select a site for a lunar base, but their rocket crash-lands on the
moon and only three survive. One of the survivors subsequently dies
and the remaining two, a man and a woman (Colonel Breiteis!) are
then married via television by the President of the USA (who, in a
typically Heinleinian touch, is a woman). The ambitious idea is
undermined by a very small budget reflected in Jacuqes Fresco's
inadequate special effects.
110 Robot Holocaust (Commando Cody part 9)
Pre: Joel explains show/"Human"/film broke (during Commando Cody)
Inventions: J: Nitro-Burning Funny Pipe MS: Stocking Mask of the Future
Skits: The We-Zone
SitCom Simulator
Servo the Fur-Clad Hero
Post: "Name the Plant Guy" brainstorm
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley, Neil Brede
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Audio Post Production: IVL Post, Minneapolis
111 Moon Zero Two
Pre: Joel explains show/eats vicariously through viewers/
Larry's hair is lifeless
Inventions: J: Teleporting Food MS: Mouth-to-Mouth Celebrity Toothpaste
Skits: Tribute to Neil Armstrong
Games of the future
Zero-G Fight
Post: Name good thing/bad thing for RAM chip
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley, Neil Brede
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Notes: From "The Science Fiction Encyclopedia": At the same time as
the first actual moon landing, Hammer Films were making this quasi-
Western, set on the Moon, and the results were predictably absurd.
One of the hoariest of pulp Western plots is dressed up with a lot
of colourful space hardware: a poor but honest space pilot/cowboy
is forced by a group of villains to capture an asteroid of pure
sapphire, but his principles triumph and he foils their plans. The
special effects are unexpectely convincing, considering the
relatively small budget, but the film has no other strength.
112 Untamed Youth
Inventions: J: Never-Light Pipe MS: Tongue Puppets
Skits: Greg Brady--An American Legacy
Inside Gypsy's brain
Gypsy is sick
Post: Who's the goofy guy?
Credits: Additional Production Assistants: Melanie Hartley, Neil Brede
Additional Production Staff: Jim Erickson
Audio Post Production: IVL Post, Minneapolis
Notes: One of the minor players in the film is the late Eddie Cochran,
best known for "Summertime Blues" and "C'mon Everybody."
113 Black Scorpion
Pre: MS tried to make cold fusion walkman and failed / Party
Like It's 1990
Inventions: J: Man's Party Favor MS: same thing
Skits: Mangled Mexican
Strange things about humans
Ray Harryhausen
Post: Letter of "helpful criticism" for Crow
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": ...teems with stunning
stop-motion special effects but little else by way of entertainment.
Mexico is invaded by hordes of giant scorpions a la Them! and the
army is sent in to wipe'em out. Which they do...almost. One of the
tinglers escapes to wreak much havoc in a highly populated area
before duelling to the death with an army helicopter. Despite the
Harryhausen host segment, this film was one of the last for
Willis H. O'Brien, Harryhausen's mentor...and the man who created
King Kong.
Second (Comedy Central) Season (1990-91)
----------------------------------------
Credits:
Head Writer: Michael J. Nelson
Writers: Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Joel Hodgson, Jim Mallon, Kevin
Murphy
Associate Producer: Kevin Murphy
Host Segments Produced (201)/Directed (202-213) by: Jim Mallon
Production Manager: Alexandria B. Carr
Production Assistant: Jann L. Johnson
Toolmaster: Jef Maynard (listed twice in 202-204)
Art Direction: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson
Set Design (not listed in 206): Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson
Gizmonic Devices Designed by: Joel Hodgson
Special Effects and Other Fancy Stuff: Trace Beaulieu
Additional Visual Effects: Industrial Plumbing and Heating
Hexifield Viewscreen Designed and Constructed by (beginning 205): Mark
Gilbertson
Post Production Supervision: Kevin Murphy, Alexandra B. Carr, Jann Johnson
(207-213), Jim Mallon (207)
Editor: Tim Paulson (201-205, 207-213), Randy Davis (206)
Lighting: Ken Fournelle, Kevin Murphy
Audio: John Calder, Fred Street (204)
Make-up: Faye Burkholder (201-203, 209-213), Clayton James (204-207)
Interns: Nathan Molstead, Tamra Lewis (201-212), Amy Kane, James Smith (201-
208), Michelle Molhan, Robert Czech
Post Production Facilty: IVL Post, Minneapolis
Video Services: Fournelle Video Production Services
Special thanks: Randy Herget, Skyline Displays Inc., Bryan Beaulieu, The
Teachers of America
Executive Producers (beginning 205): Joel Hodgson, Jim Mallon
201 9/22/90 Rocketship XM
Pre: Changes on ship/new Servo voice/new assistant in Deep 13
Inventions: J: BGC19 (Drum Set) MS: same
Skits: The reporters of Rocketship X-M
Selective gravity class
What are your dreams?
Song Lyrics - space vixen
Post: "You Wouldn't Show Marooned, Would You?"
Credits: Valeria: Michael J. Nelson
Jerry: Brent Peterson
Slyvia: Alex Carr
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Cheap attempt to cash
in on George Pal's Destination Moon, Rocketship X-M is something
of a classic in its low-life caliber. A rocket miscalculates its
fuel supply and winds up stranded on Mars with no way to get back.
Talk about poetic justice. First appearance of TV's Frank,
Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo, and the "By this time, my lungs were
aching for air" catchphrase.
Field}
202 9/29/90 The Side Hackers
Pre: Cleanup the ship
Inventions: J: Gretchen the Slinky MS: Personal Slinky Train
Skits: Side hacking song
Side hacking jargon
The Life of Rommel & visit by J.C.
Post: "Love Pads the Film"
Credits: Gooch: Frank Conniff, J.C.: Michael J. Nelson
Jerry: Nathan Molstead, Slyvia: Amy Kane
"Sidehackin'" Written and Performed by: The Brains
Additional Music by: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: Cambot adds commentary during Sidehacking race. This was
the first of two Ross Hagen biker epics.
203 10/6/90 Jungle Goddess (Phantom Creeps part 1)
Pre: Hide and Seek with the Elusive & Inexplicable
Forces that Control the Universe
Inventions: J: Radio Arm Saw MS: Doctor Sax
Skits: Bela's OK discoveries
Magic Binoculars & Scopes
Colonists arrive
Post: "My White Goddess"
Credits: Imperialistic Alien 1: Michael J. Nelson
Imperialistic Alien 2: Jim Mallon
Jerry: Jim Smith
"My White Goddess" Lyrics: Jim Mallon, Frank Conniff
Music: Michael J. Nelson
Sung by: "The Kevins" (Kevin Murphy)
204 10/13/90 Catalina Caper
Pre: God Bless Tweekie
Inventions: J: Tickle Bazooka MS: Tank Tops
Skits: The Sixties
Creepy Girl
Gun Tupperware Party
Post: What the Sam Hill was going on?
Credits: Jerry: James Smith Sylvia: Robert Czech
"My Creepy Girl" Lyrics: The Brains, Music: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Special Thanks: Eli Mallon (Koochy-koochy-koo)
205 10/27/90 Rocket Attack USA (Phantom Creeps part 2)
Pre: Servo gets robot haircut
Inventions: J: Button Candy Adding Machine MS: Water Foosball
Skits: The Cold War--Charlie McCarthy Hearings
Civil Defense Quiz Bowl
Visit from Cosmonaut
Post: Review of the plot. Letter: Issac Asimov rabbit
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Joel Hodgson
Sorri Andropoli: Michael J. Nelson
206 11/3/90 Ring of Terror (Phantom Creeps part 3)
Pre; Fake Movie Sign
Inventions: J: Pin-bolus MS: Lifesize Operation Game
Skits: The Old School
Vacuum Autopsy
Name a Good Thing about This Movie for a RAM Chip
Post: "If Chauffeurs Ruled the World"
(NOTE - Phantom appears after the movie)
Credits: Special Guest Writers: Jann L. Johnson, Alexandra B. Carr
This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Trace Beaulieu
On-line Post Production Facility: Fuller Productions
"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World" Lyrics: Frank Conniff
Music: Michael J. Nelson
207 11/17/90 Wild Rebels
Pre: Crow & TS take over ship functions / Joel has a nice
chat with Gypsy
Inventions: MS: 3D Pizza J: Hobby Hog
Skits: Famous Motorcycle Riders
Wild Rebels Cereal Song
Gypsy and Joel together
Post: Distract yourself from the pain & weird hats
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Jim Mallon
208 11/24/90 Lost Continent
Pre: Team Rally
Inventions: J: <none> MS: Mobile Stationary Walker, etc.
Skits: Visit from Hugh Beaumont, Horseman of the Apocalypse)
"The Explorers" - A Quinn Martin Production
Hey, Look at That Cool Thing!
Post: Padding--A Film Style
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Kevin Murphy
Cryptodad: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Average film with
predictable plot. A group of scientists, looking for a lost rocket,
crashlands on a prehistoric land mass and stumbles across countless
dinosaurs of various shapes and sizes.
This show introduced "Rock Climbing".
Notes: Average film with predictable plot. A group of scientists,
looking for a lost rocket, crashlands on a prehistoric land mass
and stumbles across countless dinosaurs of various shapes and sizes.
209 12/8/90 Hellcats
Pre: Everyone's sick with a cold.
Inventions: J: Sign Language Translator: MS: <none>
Skits: Dear Diary (Tom Servo)
Dear Kitty (Crow)
Dear Sandy (Joel)
Post: Dear Richard (Gypsy)
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Joel Hodgson
Additional Music: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: Tom Servo's "Dear Diary" segment is recycled from the first
season's "Crawling Hand." This gives newcomers a chance to hear
Josh Weinstein doing Servo, however briefly.
210 12/22/90 King Dinosaur (X Marks The Spot)
Pre: Joel reads poetry/Dr. F fixing elevator
Inventions: J: The Incredibly Stinky Sweatsocks MS: The Pocket Scientist
Skits: Am I Qualified? (Crow gets activized)
Joey the Lemur
Emotional Scientist
Post: Yet another Lippert Film
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Trace Beaulieu
Jerry: Nathan Molstad
Additional Music: Kevin Murphy, Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Inane little premiere
film by Bert I. Gordon about life on the planet Nova where dinosaurs
(lizards) terrorize visiting explorers. The star of the show was
a gila monster.
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Inane little premiere
film by Bert I. Gordon about life on the planet Nova where dinosaurs
(lizards) terrorize visiting explorers. The star of the show was
a gila monster.
211 12/29/90 First Spaceship On Venus
Pre: Joel raises Servos' sarcastic sequencer
Inventions: J: Junk Drawer Helper MS: none
Skits: Foam Robot
Visit from a gorilla
Klack recipes ideas
Post: Sarcastic Servo, Servo's head blows up
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Michael J. Nelson
The Gorilla: Crist Ballas
Abe Vigoda's Back: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Music: "Klack Holiday Serenade":
Michael J. Nelson "O Sweet Mother O Mine": Kevin Murphy
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Foreign-made sci-fi with
accent on brotherhood-- and boredom. A group of international
astronauts investigate technicolor space scenery. The "Klack recipe
Ideas" is one of the better host segments. Dr. Forrester missnames
movie as "First Spaceship *to* Venus."
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Foreign-made sci-fi with
accent on brotherhood-- and boredom. A group of international
astronauts investigate technicolor space scenery.
212 1/19/91 Godzilla vs. Megalon
Pre: All these stories and more--not!
Inventions: Household Halloween costumes MS: Foosball goalie costumes
Skits: My monster is better than your monster!
Rex Dart - Eskimo Spy
Orville Redenbacher skit
Post: Jet Jaguar Fight Song / New Limbs / Letter
Credits: This Week's Creative Pit Boss: Joel Hodgson
Additional Music: "Rex Dart Action Theme": Michael J. Nelson
213 2/2/91 Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster
Pre: The Velveteen Rabbit
Inventions: J: Mind-Control Guitar MS: Squeeze Toy Guitar
Skits: The Godzilla Geneaology Bop
Jeol has been in space too long...
Models Made from Household Items
Crow and Tom contact Mothra
Post: Film Fallacies and Truths
Winners of "Cool Thing" Contest
Credits: Additional Writer: Faye Burkholder
Mothera: Michael J. Nelson
Roadies: Sylvia: Robert Czech, Jerry: Nathan Molstad
Additional Music: "Geneology Bop": Faye Burkholder,
Kevin Murphy Music: Kevin Murphy
Squeeky Toy Orchestra: Michael J. Nelson, Jef Maynard,
Alex Carr
Third Season (Comedy Central) (1991-92)
---------------------------------------
Credits for this season:
Head Writer: Michael J. Nelson
Writers: Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Joel Hodgson, Jim Mallon (301-306),
Kevin Murphy, Colleen Henjum (306-308), Paul Chaplin (313-324)
Contributing Writers: Bridget Jones, Lisa Sheretz (302-305), Colleen Henjum
(302-305, 309-324), Jim Mallon (307-324), Paul Chaplin (307-312)
Host Segments Directed by (starting 303): Jim Mallon, Michael J. Nelson (234)
Associate Producer: Kevin Murphy
Production Manager: Alexandria B. Carr
Technical Supervisor: Timothy Scott
Production Coordinator: Jann Johnson
Toolmaster (starting 303): Jef Maynard
Manager of Business Affairs: Heide LeClerc
Post Production Facilty: IVL Post, Minneapolis
Video Provided by: Fournelle Video Production Services
Audio: Fred Street (301, 310, 318, 320, 322), John Calder (302-303), Bob King
(305), Brian Wright (306-310, 312-317, 319, 321, 323-324), Timothy Scott (319)
Editor: Tim Paulson (301-303)
On-line editor: Timothy Scott (305), Tim Paulson (306-307, 309-310, 313-316,
319, 323), Karen Lindsay (308, 311-312, 317-318, 320-322, 324)
Audio editor: Timothy Scott (beginning 305)
Post Production Supervision: Kevin Murphy (301-303), Timothy Scott
Post Production Coordination (beginning 303): Alexandra B. Carr, Jann L.
Johnson
Art Direction: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson (not listed in 303)
Set Design: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson, Jef Maynard
Gizmonic Devices Designed by: Joel Hodgson
Lighting: Ken Fournelle, Kevin Murphy
Hair and Make-up: Faye Burkholder (301-310), Clayton James (311-312, 315-
316, 318-324), Mary Flaa (313-314), Andrea J. DuCane (317)
Prop Assistant: Barb Oswald (303, 320), Lori Schackmann (308), Carolyn Sloat
(312)
Interns: Thomas Alphonso (301-312), Cyn Eells, Tom Henderson (301-312),
Christopher Wurst, Cindy Hansen (313-319)
Additional Music Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson (305-306, 310-311,
313-318, 322-324), Kevin Murphy (314, 316, 323-324), Frank Conniff (322)
Special thanks: Bryan Beaulieu, Skyline Displays (Inc), (The) Teachers of
America, Bill W.
Executive Producers: Jim Mallon, Joel Hodgson
301 Cave Dwellers
Pre: Favorite New Name
Inventions: J: Smoking Jacket MS: Robotic Arm Wrestling
Skits: Opening "Credits"
Fancy Prop Names (extraordinary names for ordinary objects)
Sound Effects - Foley
Post: Continuity Problems
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: Christopher Wurst
Gerry: Christopher Wurst
Additional Music: "Jupiter" written and arranged
by Michael J. Nelson
Notes: Real title of this film is either "Blade Master" or "Ator the
Blademaster." It's a sequel to the immortal "Ator the Fighting
Eagle." Joel Hodgson claims that Miles O'Keeffe, star of this
clunker, saw the show and called him up to tell him how much he
enjoyed watching it. O'Keeffe apparently said that making the film
was such a surreal experience, that watching it get skewed was lots
of fun.
302 Gamera
Pre: Warming up, "Commercial siiiign"
Inventions: J: Portable Salad Bar MS: Bird Cage Vacuum Cleaner
Skits: Love song to Tibby
Why we hate Kenny
Visit by Gamera
Credits: Gamera: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Music: "Tibby, Oh Tibby"
Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson
Notes: "From the Gamera Filmography" GAMERA aka GAMERA, THE INVINCIBLE
(1965), the first genre film to feature a child in a leading role,
and the last one to be shot in black and white, was released in
theatres in the United States, unlike all of the subsequent movies
in the series, which were shown only on American television, with new
footage featuring Brian Donlevy and Albert Dekker added to it.
There is a war on, and an aircraft armed with nuclear weapons
is shot down in the Arctic. As the plane crashes, a nuclear blast
occurs. A giant prehistoric turtle emerges from the crash site
shortly afterward, and attacks a nearby ship. It then makes its way
to Japan, and destroys a geo-thermal power plant. A plan to
temporarily freeze the creature and turn it onto its back with
explosives proves unable to stop it, and the monster then heads for
Tokyo, where it wreaks havoc. A new plan to use a trail of fire to
lure the giant turtle into a rocket that will be shot off into
space is put into effect, but just as the creature begins to follow
the trail, rain begins to fall, and the fire goes out.
303 Pod People
Pre: "Robot on the Run" - a work in progress
Inventions: J: New Guitar Chord MS: Public Domain Karaoke
Skits: New Lyrics for Unintelligible Song (Ave Maria) (It Stinks!)
"I'm a Virgin" T-shirt
Music from Some Guys in Space (wall of keyboards)
"You Are Magic, Aren't You Trumpy?" - Great Facial Expressions
Post: "Where Does All the Magic Go?"
Credits: Additional Music: "A Clown in the Sky" Written
and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy
304 Gamera vs Barugon
Pre: User interface war
Inventions: J: Audio-animitronic pop can MS: Disco Cumber-Bubble-Bund
Skits: 5,000 Fighting Men and Monsters Set
T.G.I. Tokyo
Hollywood stars in Gamera movies
Post: Read more about it
Notes: From the "Gamera Filmography" GAMERA VS. BARUGON aka WAR OF
THE MONSTERS (1966), the only Gamera film without a child in it,
played in Japan at the same time as MAJIN, MONSTER OF TERROR,
the first of three movies, also produced by Daiei, featuring
a giant samurai warrior made of stone. Three Japanese treasure
hunters travel by ship to a remote island in the South Pacific,
and there find an object which they believe to be a large opal.
The object is accidentally exposed to infra-red light during the
voyage back to Japan, and shortly afterward, a prehistoric creature
hatches from it and quickly grows to enormous proportions. When the
ship reaches port, the creature causes widespread destruction,
in part by giving off an energy ray similar in appearance to
a rainbow. Gamera soon appears, having been attracted by the ray,
and the Japanese military finds itself having to fend off not one,
but two, giant monsters. --- David Milner
305 3/28/92 Stranded in Space
Pre: shooting gallery
Inventions: J: "Bang" Uzi, knife, dynamite MS: "Bang" harpoons, nunchuks
Skits: Toddlers TV Trading cards
What "Ward E" is to me
Kill Hooker! And Silence Magnum Poimanently!
Post: Tom Servo -- Executive Producer
Credits: Additional Contributing Writers: Jann L. Johnson,
Alexandra B. Carr
On-line Editor: Timothy Scott
Audio Editor: Timothy Scott
306 Time of the Apes
Pre: Tee Ball, Baseball season
Inventions: J: Cellulite Phone MS: Miracle Baby Wonder Growth Formula
Skits: Why Johnny doesn't care
Scopes monkey trial
Crow T. Robot's Fashion Minute
Post: Sandy Frank song
Credits: Additional Contributing Writers: Lynn-Anne Freise,
Craig Tollifson, Tom Wedor, Jann L. Johnson,
Alexandra B. Carr
Miracle Growth Baby (before): Eli Kenneth Mallon
Miracle Grwoth Baby (after): Timothy Scott
307 Daddy-O (Alphabet Antics)
Pre: Hanging round the water cooler
Inventions: J: Air Freshener Mobile MS: "Alien" Teething Nook
Skits: "Hike Your Pants Up" song
The Drag Race
Spit-Takes/Visit from Near-Sighted Guy
Post: Fruit Slapping
Button Problem
Credits: Bruce: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Music: "The Pants Up Song" arranged with lyrics
by Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy; "Baby Music" written
and arranged by Michael J. Nelson
308 Gamera vs Gaos
Pre: Lucille Ball Meets Harvey Firestein
Inventions: J: Kleenex Phone MS: Self-Image Printers
Skits: How to Make Gaos
Gameradamnerung
The Amazing Gaos (spinning Gameras)
Post: Ways to Snuff Gaos
Credits: Additional Music: "Opus 4, Number 23, Plate Spinning Song"
Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From the "Gamera Filmography" GAMERA VS. GAOS aka RETURN
OF THE GIANT MONSTERS (1967) proved to be the most popular series
entry in Japan. A volcanic eruption arouses a huge vampire bat that
has a special affinity for human blood. Gamera appears and twice
does battle with the creature, but is forced to withdraw each time
after being injured by a supersonic sound beam emitted by it.
It is soon discovered that sunlight is harmful to the giant bat,
explaining why it appears only at night, and a plan to disorient
the creature so it will be unable to retreat to its underground lair
when the sun comes up by luring it with a substance similar to blood
onto a rotating restaurant located on top of a hotel is then put
into effect. At first it appears that the plan is going to work, but
when the mechanism which keeps the restaurant turning breaks down,
the creature escapes.
--- David Milner
309 12/7/91 The Amazing Colossal Man
Pre: Hiding from Joel
Inventions: J: Non-Permanent Tattoos MS: Music-Reviewing Plant Guy
Skits: Sensitivity Training (Things not to say around the
wife of a nuclear accident victim)
Joel gets HUGE!
Arrival of the Amazing Colossal Man
Post: Things the Colossal Man could have done
Credits: Robert Plant: Kevin Murphy
Glen: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Music: "Beethoven's Waldstein Sonata"
Performed by Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From "Horrors From Screen to Scream": ...stands as being
an imaginative film that holds up under the strain of low-budget
blues. Col. Glen Manning (Glenn Langan) is the victim of a freak
accident during the detonation of the first plutonium bomb.
When a plane crashes near the site of the blast, Manning dashes
to the wreckage only to receive the full force of the deadly blast
head on. His skin burned from his body, Manning surprises military
doctors by growing new skin and then growing to new heights.
With radiation affecting his growth rate, the colonel's burgeoning
body at first startles him, then enrages him as he realizes how
freakish his condition is. Manning is troubled even more by a
weak heart that cannot keep up with the antic of his ever-growing
bulk. Langan offers a sensitive portrayal of the army freak, but
the script gives him little to work from. Limited in scope and
budget, the film ends on the usual monster-on-the-loose note.
(War of the Colossal Beast is a sequel.)
310 Fugitive Alien
Pre: Joel is a farmer, Gypsy is a cow
Inventions: J: Musical Chair MS: Auto-Rhino-Laryngilogical Dropper
Skits: Hat Party
Ship Captain Joel
Screenplay model
Post: Buttons on the suit, Jack Perkins gets genetically altered
Credits: Jack Perkins: Michael J. Nelson
Special Make-up: Crist Ballas, Glen Griffin
311 It Conquered The World (Snow Thrills)
Pre: Ventriloquism with Crow as the Woozle who's name is Peanut
Inventions: J: Sony Seaman MS: Halloween Costume Nooses
Skits: Winter Sports Cavalcade
Coffee Clash (Dinner with the Lockhorns)
Famous Hollywood Siblings
Post: Peter Graves' Ending Speech
Credits: Additional Contributing Writers: Jef Maynard,
Jann Johnson, Alexandra Carr, Timothy Scott
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Roger Corman cranked
out this cute little quickie recounting the adventures of a cucumber
creature from outer space who invades the earth via a pseudometeor
and then proceeds to attempt to take it over. Aided by eight winged
things (sort of vampire bats from beyond the sky types) who bite
their victims and turn them into space zombies, the creature
terrifies a number of Earthlings.
From Future Tense: "The Cinema of Science Fiction": Lee Van Cleef
stars as a scientist who is seduced with promises of fame and fortune
by a Venusian who needs some assistance in conquering the Earth.
The Venusian needs all the help it can get as it resembles
Humpty Dumpty and is just about as maneuvarable. Living in a cave,
it sends out little flying-bat creatures which fasten on people's
necks and plant electrons in their spines, making them puppets
of the alien's will. Eventually the scientist has a change of
heart after his wife falls victim to the thing, and he decides
to destroy it. In the film's hilarious climax we first see the
creature ignoring a fusillade of army bullets and bazooka shells
and then being overcome by the scientist, who wields a simple blowtorch.
312 Gamera vs. Guiron
Pre: School lunches
Inventions: MS: Psychology Today Centerfolds J: Collapsible Garbage Can
Skits: Bouncy Gamera Song
World of Amusement and Child-like Wonder
Richard Burton--One of the Good, Dead ones
Post: Gamera marching song / Michael Feinstein's "Gamera" at
piano bar
Credits: Michael Feinstein: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Music: "Gamera (in its many forms)"
Performed by Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From the "Gamera Filmography" GAMERA VS. GUIRON aka ATTACK
OF THE MONSTERS (1969), the only Gamera movie in which a monster,
other than Gamera, first seen in a previous series entry again
appears in new, rather than stock, footage, had a few of its
more graphic monster scenes edited out of it before it was released
in the United States. Two curious children enter an alien space ship
which has landed in Japan, and travel to the planet Tera in it.
There, after witnessing a battle between a giant creature with
a sharp, pointed head and one similar to monster Gaos,
the children meet two alien women who lead them to believe that
they will be well cared for when, in fact, the women plan to
kill them. --- David Milner
313 Earth vs. The Spider (Speech: Using Your Voice)
Pre: Inside the robot mind
Inventions: MS: Cheese Phone J: CD-Player Blow Dryer
Skits: Earth vs. Soup
Visit from the Custodian of the 7th Galaxy
Creepy Crawlers (sic transit)
Post: Homework essays
314 Mighty Jack
Pre: Joel's dead--not!
Inventions: MS: Formal Flipper J: "Ear" ear-muffs
Skits: Mighty Jack Dog Food
Boy, is he smart!
Aquarium Camerawork
Post: "Slow the Plot Down" shanty
315 Teenage Caveman (Aquatic Wizards/Catching Trouble)
Pre: BORED - Poker game
Inventions: J: Rainy Day Epicacs MS: Frank Threatens Dr. F
Skits: Catching the Great White Ross
Fight in Deep 13 (with Star Trek fight music)
Arguments against Change
Post: "We are the result of a a mad movie-watching experiment ..."
Note: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": An intellectual caveboy
crosses into the forbidden zone and finds out exactly why the
elders choose to hide the origins of their species.
316 Gamera vs. Zigra
Pre: Orbiting Root-Beer Kegger
Inventions: MS: Three Stooges Guns J: Crow-shish-ka-bob
Skits: Tour of Gamera
Gamera Diaramas
Visit from Kenny and Helen
Post: Interpretations of the Gamera Theme Song
Credits: Kenny: Michael J. Nelson
Helen: Bridget Jones
Roadies: Kevin Murphy, Jef Maynard
Additional special thanks: St. Paul Harley Davidson
Notes: GAMERA VS. ZIGRA (1971), which has been shown only on cable
television in the United States, was released in Japan just a few
months before Daiei went out of business for seven years because of
insolvency. After destroying a base on the moon, an alien spaceship
makes its way to Earth and settles at the bottom of the ocean. An
announcement then comes from it that the planet going to be taken
over, and that people are going to be used for food. The military
proves ineffective against the ship, but Gamera soon appears and
destroys it. A creature somewhat similar in appearance to a shark
emerges, and it quickly grows to enormous proportions because of
the difference between the water pressure of its home planet of
Zigra and that of the Earth. The two monsters do battle, and
although the alien creature seems at first to be outmatched, the
Zigran, even more intent on taking over the Earth now that its
means of returning home has been destroyed, soon manages to
immobilize Gamera with a light ray that stops all cellular activity.
--- David Milner
317 Viking Women and The Sea Serpent (The Home Economics Story)
Pre: Wonderful World of Waffles
Inventions: MS: Reanimate Meat J: Waffle Iron
Skits: Naming New Uses for Waffles
Waffles!
Willie the Wisecracking Waffle
Post: Waffles the Song
318 12/28/91 Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
Pre: The Nature of Puppets and Their Symbiotic Relation with Man
Inventions: J: Big Head MS: Big Noses (Super Schnoz)
Skits: Emergency 911: Tom Servo is Dying
Captain Joe Action Figure
"Fugitive Alien" Song Medley
Post: The Ultimate Bad Guy
Credits: Additional Music: Lyrics: Kevin Murphy
319 War of The Colossal Beast (Mr. B Natural)
Pre: Create-Your-Own Mexican Junk Food
Inventions: J: Between Meal Mortar MS: Breakfast Bazooka
Skits: Mr. B Natural - Woman or Man?
Who's That Guy with the Big Head
James Ungateen (?) KTLA Predicts
Post: Bad movie/bread made from home perm
Credits: Glen: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Bert Gordon's sequel
to his successful Amazing Colossal Man has gigantic Col. Manning
coming back, but this time as an enraged and slightly battered
(as a result of his bazooka-induced dive from Boulder Dam in the
last film's finale) titan bent on destruction. Great goings-on
as the giant wrecks everything in sight before being electrocuted
on high-voltage wires. "Mr. B. Natural" is one of those instances
where everything works. Great intro for your friends. The
"KTLA Predicts" host segment sneaks in a nifty reference to
Dr. Bronner's Pure Castile Soaps ("Dilute! Dilute! OK! OK!").
320 12/14/91 The Unearthly (Posture Pals, Appreciating Our Parents)
Pre: 'Bots tape funny (dangerous!) home video
Inventions: J: Celebrity Home Appliances MS: Hard Pills to Swallow
Skits: Appreciating Gypsy
The Many Faces of Tor Johnson
"The Unearthly" Home Game
Post: Dead End Kids' Lingo
Credits: Paint Box Artistry: Jef Maynard
321 Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Pre: Christmas catalogues
Inventions: J: Misfit Toys MS: Wish Squisher
Skits: "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"
Christmas Specials
Christmas Essays
Post: Joel and Bots' Stockings
Mads' "Gift of the Magi"
Credits: Additional Contributing Writers: Lynn-Anne Freise,
Tom Wedor, Craig Tollifson, Bob Schrad, Christopher Whiting
"A Patrick Swayze Christmas" Music and Lyrics: Michael J. Nelson
322 Master Ninja I
Pre: American muscle cars
Invention Exchange: J: Pop-up classics MS: Gourmet IV bags
Skits: The Van Patten Project
Ninja Tom Servo
Nun-chuks: "Chuks" Brainstorm
Post: Funk Fusion TV-Action Band: Master Ninja Theme Song
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: Mike Gandolfi
323 Castle of Fu Manchu
Pre: Satellite of Love Marching Band
Invention Exchange: Servo: Telephone Chip J: Big Head MS: Stinky Bomb
Skits: Miss Saigon Syndrome
Magic Carpet Trouble
What's the Deal with Fu Manchu?--breakdown
Post: You haven't won--you/ve lost!
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Tired of remaining
dormant, Fu Manchu (Christopher Lee) and demonic daughter once
again decide to take over the earth. Once again they are stopped.
This film nearly broke'em-- skits performed with much sobbing and
weak bravery. The film is, ya gotta admit it, pretty damn boring.
324 Master Ninja II
Pre: Improv Theatre
Inventions: J: Gerbil Sphere II MS: Conveyor Belt Buffet
Skits: Dream 70's Van
Col. Timothy Van Patten
Pets for Fictional Detectives
Post: Lee Van Cleef Foam Core Doll, Favorite Movies
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: Mike Gandolfi
Additional special thanks: St. Paul Harley Davidson
Rich Kulawiec
Version: $Header: mst3k-part4,v 1.2 93/12/06 21:29:35 rsk Exp $
Fourth Season (Comedy Central) (24 episodes, 1992-93)
-----------------------------------------------------
Credits for this season:
Head Writer: Michael J. Nelson
Writers: Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Frank Conniff, Joel Hodgson, Paul
Chaplin, Bridget Jones (402-424), Mary Jo Pehl (404-424)
Contributing Writers: Colleen Henjum, Jim Mallon
Host Segments Directed by: Jim Mallon (402-403, 405-413), Kevin Murphy (404,
414, 417, 420, 423), Joel Hodgson (415, 418, 421), Trace Beaulieu (416, 419,
422)
Associate Producer: Kevin Murphy
Production Manager: Alexandria B. Carr (401-414), Jann L. Johnson (415-424)
Technical Supervisor: Timothy Scott
Production Coordinator: Jann L. Johnson (401-414), Ellen McDonough (415-424)
Toolmaster: Jef Maynard
Manager of Business Affairs: Heide A. LeClerc
Production Assistant: Ellie/Ellen McDonough (403-414), Sarah E. Wisner (417-
424)
Video Provided by: Fournelle Video Production Services, St. Paul (MN)
Audio: Brian Wright (402-414), Timothy Scott (414-424)
Editor: Timothy Scott
Associate Editor: Bradley J. Keely
Post Production Coordination: Alexandra B. Carr (401-414), Jann L. Johnson,
Ellen McDonough (415-424)
Art Direction: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson, Jef Maynard
Set Design: Trace Beaulieu, Joel Hodgson
Lighting: Ken Fournelle, Timothy Scott (403-408, 416-417, 420-424)
Engineering: Rob "the engineer" Burkhardt
Hair and Make-up: Clayton James (402, 404-408, 410, 412-413, 415-424), Andrea
J. DuCane (403, 409, 414), Crist Ballas (411)
Prop Assistant: Barb Oswald (402), Patrick Brantsey (417-424)
Toolmaster Jr.: Barb Oswald (403-405, 410)
Interns: Patrick Brantsey, Nathan Devery (402-412), Brendan Glynn (402-403),
Suzette Jamison (402-409), Steven Sande (402-405), Curtis Anderson (413-424),
Kelly Ann Nathe (413-417)
Additional Music Written and Performed by: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy
(418)
Special thanks: Skyline Displays Inc., Teachers of America, Mark Gilbertson,
all MSTies coast-to-coast, the authors of the 1st Amendment
Executive Producers: Jim Mallon, Joel Hodgson
401 6/6/92 Space Travelers
Pre: The Great Crowdini
Inventions: J: Dollaroid MS: Facial Tissue (with faces)
Skits: American space race advancements
Astronaut and CB lingo
Problems we may have to face
Post: Find the finder of lost loves
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: Bridget Jones
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": A good idea is a bit
overworked in this John Sturges remake of his own Jeopardy (1952).
While the world watches, a team of astronauts are lost in space.
Maintaining voice communication, the spacemen calmly talk to the
earth below of their helplessness and the population of the world
screams for a rescue attempt.
402 6/13/92 Giant Gila Monster
Pre: The thing with two heads/odd couple 1999/Forrester's dead
Inventions: J: Prop Old Sitcom/Movie Radio
MS: Renaissance Festival Punching Bags
Skits: Stupid/soda jerk
Favorite funny drunk
Servo on cinema (blocking)
Post: Hee-la rock group
Credits: Additional Writer: John Carney
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Before the era of
cheap sex and gore in the film industry there was such a thing
as banality for banality's sake. Herein lies such fantastic stuff.
A giant gila monster makes the rounds in tinker-toy towns and
terrorizes local teens who are always pictured driving around
in their hotrods or having sock hops. (This is the type of film,
by the way, where the actors all use their _real_ first names
in the script.) The lizard is eventually beaten by a brave lad
who drives his hotrod full of nitro into the belly of the beast.
Some fun, eh kids?
403 City Limits
Pre: Ping pong balls/Servo has Crow's eyes
Inventions: J: Fun Friend from Stake
MS: Tupperware Container to Lock in Pop Star Freshness/Tupperware Coffin
Skits: "Ode to Kim Cattrel"
New comic superheros (Fantastic 85)
Fantastic 85/185 continued
Post: City Limits trivia game
Credits: Additional Writer: John Carney
Morrisey: Michael J. Nelson
404 6/27/92 Teenagers from Outer Space
Pre: NBC mystery movie electro-shock (*zap!*)
Inventions: J: Scratch-and-sniff Report Cards
MS: Resusci Annie Ventriloquism
Skits: Reel to real, Snacks in waste receptacle, Skelton visit
Post: Duct tape fashions
Credits: Resusci-Anne Provided by: Nancy Mason
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream":
A young man from out of this world is sent to do the Earth in.
Complications arise when he falls in love with a local teen queen.
To make matters even worse, a monster from his spaceship is loose
and, from what the audience can see of its shadowy form, it appears
to be a lobster. With love showing the way, the homo sap from space
guides his invading comrades' fleet into the side of a large hill.
Destroying himself, the big lobster, and the thousands of ships in
one large splat (unseen), the unearthly adolescent makes the
supreme sacrifice in saving Earth.
An excerpt from "The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped
Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies," by Lester Bangs. (Collected in
Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung):
"I recall reading an item on the entertainment page of the
daily paper after Teenagers from Outer Space came out to the effect
that responsible people all over were so turned off by this pic
that the financial angels and bureaucratic bosses of the studio
that sponsored and released it ganged up on the poor guy that made
the film, and gave him a good talking-to about devoting his talents
to such a piece of trash, and even if it was his first film he
should think of the public interest, etc. The item ended by saying
that the guy had actually apologized, and promised to do better
with the money that was given him for his second film."
(For those of you who haven't heard of Lester Bangs, he was a rock
critic for various 60's and 70's era magazines such as Crawdaddy
and Creem. "Psychotic Reactions..." collects some of the best of
his work, and should be required reading for anyone attempting to
understand rock and roll. Just ignore what he says about Lou Reed
[he's far too enthusiastic] and Yes [he doesn't understand them].---Rsk)
"Tom Graeff" Profile from Re/Search: Incredibly Strange Films:
"Some directors make dozens of movies, but never anything
memorable. In 1959 Tom Graeff made only one movie, Teenagers From
Outer Space, but it's enough to earn him a place in this book. It
featured giant lobster shadows and 'alien" teenagers in silver
jumpsuits and motorcycle helmets."
405 7/4/92 Being from Another Planet
Pre: Twenty questions
Inventions: MS: Tragic Moments Figurines
J: Jack Palance Impersonator Kit
Skits: Lost in Space fan
Haunted boiler room
Joel's rainy day fun sketch and hexascreen holo-clowns
Post: TV's Frank Shopping Network
Credits: Holo-clowns: Michael J. Nelson, Paul Chaplin
406 7/18/92 Attack of the Giant Leeches (Undersea Kingdom 1)
Pre: Holo-clown sequencer
Inventions: MS: Leech Nicotine Patch J: SOL Insty Adolescent Kit
Skits: Dress to take over the world
Coffee and dreams
"I'm a Danger to Myself and Others"
Post: Problems with film
Credits: Holo-clowns: Michael J. Nelson, Paul Chaplin
Giant Leech: Kevin Murphy
Additional Music: "A Danger to Ourselves and Others",
Michael J. Nelson, Joel Hodgson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": A small town situated
in the Florida everglades is terrroized by a bad script, inept
direction and several man-sized leeches. A bloody bore.
407 7/25/92 The Killer Shrews (Junior Rodeo Daredevils)
Pre: Present time
Inventions: MS: Revenge on people from the past (destroy the Earth)
J: Jim Henson's Edgar Winter Babies
Skits: Will Rodgers thing, Killer Shrew board game, Killer Shrew drink
Post: 'Bots are killer shrews/Frank had too much Killer Shrew drink
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: Steve Hollenhorst
408 8/1/92 Hercules Unchained
Pre: Annual wash and wax day
Inventions: MS: Decorator roaches J: Steve-a-meter
Skits: Gypsy's Olympiad set
mythic foods (The Waters of Forgetfulness)
'Bots try to get Joel to explain birds and bees
Post: Why these movies?
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: Don Jurek
Steve Reeves: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Hercules comes to the
attention of a queen who picks her lovers and then disposes of them
by having them stuffed and mounted, in that order. Engagement notices
are posted and Hercules begins to sweat.
409 8/15/92 Indestructible Man (Undersea Kingdom part 2)
Pre: Joel is crazy?/party in Deep 13
Inventions: MS: For men (but women like it, too) J: Cereal Novels
Skits: Any excuse for a parade
What would you do if you were indestructible?
Lon Chaney eye thing
Post: Affidavit to stop cop donut jokes/MS get noise ticket
Credits: Additional Contributing Writer: David Sussman
Officer Kevin: Kevin Murphy
Officer Mike: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": As a killer brought
back to life after his electrocution, Lon Chaney, Jr. stumbles
through a role which apparently has been patterned after his
first monster thriller, _Man Made Monster_. As soon as he is
released from his confines, the monster begins killing all those
who sent him up the river way back when. Dreadful gangster story
is heightened in sheer futility by a ludicrous "you are there"
type narration describing the killer's moves as he makes them.
410 8/22/92 Hercules Against the Moon Men
Pre: Crow and Servo run away from home/sand storm/DEEP HURTING!
Inventions: J: Freak out MS: <none> (woven into tapestry of the movie)
Skits: Boobie trap, 'Bots get implants/new tough-guy name, "Pants!"
Post: Changing actors
Credits: Additional Music: "Ode to Pants" Written and
Arranged by Michael J. Nelson, Frank Conniff
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Hercules battles
creatures from outer space while his audience battles nausea.
When a country enslaved by moonmen and forced to undergo strange
sacrificial rituals for the brigade of baddies from beyond cry
out for help, Hercules gets miffed.
411 8/29/92 The Magic Sword
Pre: Joel is caricaturist
Inventions: J: Big Gulperets MS: Bio-hazard Clean-up Pillow
Skits: Basil Rathbones (for dogs)
Life in the Middle Ages
"Ode on Estelle"
Post: Curses on TV
Credits: Additional Music: "Ode on Estelle" Written
and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson, Paul Chaplin
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream":
Fantasy filmmaker Bert Gordon's finest achievement. George, a
lowly subject and the stepson of an elderly witch named Sybil, has
long been the admirer of the kingdom's beautiful princess. When
evil sorcerer Lodac kidnaps the girl to feed his pet dragon, George
tricks his stepmother into revealing what magical treats she has
cooked up for his twenty-first birthday. Locking mother dear in the
basement, George collects his wondrous assortment of gifts (a magic
sword, six of the bravest warriors in the history of the earth and
a magic horse) and sets out to save the princess. Along the way he
meets vampire hags, giant ghouls, deadly swamps and the ever-
popular dragon. Confronting Lodac in his castle, George is
surrounded by misshapen pinheads, dwarfs and a race of tiny people
no more than six inches tall. Masterful fairy tale.
412 9/12/92 Hercules and the Captive Women
Pre: Gypsy joins the experiment.
Inventions: MS: Lawn-baby J: The Womb-mate
Skits: Good natured brawling
A History of Hercules
Hercules Action Figure
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Hercules visits the
lost city of Atlantis and gets lost among the Amazons currently
inhabiting the struggling, sinking city. Matching wits with the
evil queen, battling live-giving rocks, Hercules escapes. Don't
you wish you were that lucky? (Also known as _Hercules and the
Conquest of Atlantis_.)
413 9/19/92 Manhunt in Space (General Hospital #1)
Pre: Servo is color blind
Inventions: MS: "Utne Reade" Neo-Salon Bean Bag Pants
J: Paper recyled clothes
Skits: Soap opera
"Space" modifier
Winky visits
Calls from home
Post: Crow is guitar, Servo is amp/Mads can't get up
Credits: Winky: Michael J. Nelson
414 9/26/92 Tormented
re: Crow, Servo and Gypsy in ventilation shaft
Inventions: J: Aunt C/Katherine Wheel MS: Drinking Jacket
Skits: Joel's fallen from shaft
Pop singers to drop from a lighthouse
'Bots are bodiless
Post: Happy thoughts and good things
415 11/25/92 The Beatniks (General Hospital #2)
Pre: Rock, Scissors, Paper
Inventions: MS: Good luck Troll Costumes J: Pocket Pool
Skits: These people aren't beatniks!
Tont Travis: Teen-bot idol
I'm Going to Make You a Star!
Post: Is "dickweed" a swear word? Crow in moon mode.
416 11/25/92 Fire Maidens of Outer Space
Pre: Proper Posture--Crow's New Friend Timmy
Inventions: MS: The Big Checkbook J: Nike Airchilada
Skits: Double Entendre
The Twin-Screw Universal Controller
Timmy - He's got to go
Post: They're still sitting around!--letter--Timmy finds a new home
Credits: Timmy: Jef Maynard
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream":
More film flop. Fantastically abysmal production values
equalled, if not surpassed, by totally outrageous plot. Space
explorers meet a tribe of lost women and a few robots who menace
everything in sight while classical music drones on in the
background. Talk about cultural commitment.
417 11/28/92 Crash of the Moons (General Hospital #3)
Pre: GRIT Salescrow
Inventions: MS: Deep 13 Toothpaste J: Rock 'n Wreck Guitar
Skits: "The Gypsy Moons"
Banner Grams
Another Teleplay by Crow T. Robot
Post: Visit from John Banner
Credits: John Banner: Michael J. Nelson
Additional Music: "The Gypsy Moons" Written and Arranged
by Michael J. Nelson, lyrics by Bridget Jones
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": Another bunch of
Rocky Jones television rejects spliced into a stew of space sap.
418 12/5/92 Attack of the Eye Creatures
Pre: Tom and Crow are *friends*
Inventions: MS: Router Ouiji Board J: Funny Gag Fax
Skits: Tom Servo analyzes "making out"
Earl Holliman!
The Rip Taylor Trio (Because it's FUNNY!)
Post: They just didn't care.
Credits: Larry Buchanan: Michael J. Nelson
Notes: "Larry Buchanan" Profile from Re/Search: Incredibly Strange
Films: "...During the latter half of the sixties, Buchanan was
hired by AIP to make eight made-for-television movies-- for which
he is best remembered. The first, The Eye Creatures, is a remake of
the Ed L. Cahn sci-fi comedy, The Invasion of the Saucer Men. Most
of ths subsequent AIP-television films were also remakes of
previous AIP films, among them: Creature of Destruction, Year 2889,
and the unforgettable Mars Needs Women.
"These films were made on the lowest budgets imaginable. Some
of them used the same rubber monster costume. The most meorable is
Zontar, The Thing from Venus, a remake of Roger Corman's 1956
classic It Conquered the World...
"Buchanan is noteworthy for his paranoia. A firm believer in
almost any conspiracy theory, he's made several movies purporting
to tell the "truth" about subjects that the government (or
Hollywood) have hushed up... [Down On Us], manages to ties the
deaths of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison into a weird
anti-rock conspiracy plot."
419 12/12/92 The Rebel Set (Johnny at the Fair)
Pre: Joel reads scarey bedtime stories
Inventions: MS: TV's Frank's Quick Primp Kit
J: Paint-by-number Mark Rathko
Skits: Crow's acting lessons
What would you do in Chicago?
Merritt Stone
Post: Who is Merritt Stone?
Notes: Edward Platt ("The Chief" from "Get Smart" plays a
beatnik criminal mastermind.
420 12/26/92 The Human Duplicators
Pre: Redesigning the 'bots/Mads have the sillies
Inventions: J: Beanie-Chopper (should have gone through the roof)
MS: William Conrad Fridge Alert
Skits: Spaceship craft project
Servo duplicates himself
Hugh Beaumont attacks
Post: 'Bots admit to being robots
Credits: Hugh Beaumont: Michael J. Nelson
William Conrad: Kevin Murphy
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": A scientist sets up a
mad lab to create a race of androids. Enter a giant from space to
lend a not-so-helpful hand in the project and things get
interesting (hopefully).
421 1/9/93 Monster A-Go-Go (Circus on Ice)
Pre: Blessed are the Cheesemakers
Inventions: MS: Johnny Long Torso J: Non-violent Action Figures
Skits: Gypsy doesn't "get" Crow.
Keep-away.
That Pina Colada Song
Post: Tom, the Hap-py King!
Notes: "Monster A-Go-Go" is credited to Bill Rebane, but the truth is
far more EVIL!!!!
Herschell Gordon Lewis made his mark by inventing the Gore film in
the early 60's with "Blood Feast", "2000 Maniacs", and "Color Me
Blood Red". But he made lots of films for Southern drive-ins,
and one of these was a little hillbilly action flick called
"Moonshine Mountain". He needed to get the film out fairly quickly,
but he also needed a second feature for it. He searched around and
found that Bill Rebane had been making a film called "Terror At
Half Bay", and had run out of money. Lewis bought it, and
discovered he had 100,000 feet of nothing. Some sequences were done
but there was very little connecting footage. He shot closeups of
hands, feet, people walking down halls, ANYTHING to get this one to
hang together. He redid the dialogue <such as it was> and added the
crummy narration. Using the name "Sheldon Seymour", Lewis did the
new dialogue, narration, and editing. Dubbing it "Monster-A-Go-Go",
he foisted this puswad onto the public, and it actually did quite
well down south, with "Moonshine Mountain".
422 1/16/93 The Day the Earth Froze (Here Comes the Circus)
Pre: Family Portrait
Inventions: J: Snaction MS: Unhappy meals
Skits: Ideas for a Clown Act
What, I implore you, is a sampo?
Gypsy: A One-Woman Show
Post: Delicately wafting scents borne by the wind--letter
Credits: "Gypsy Rose Me" Written and Arranged by
Michael J. Nelson, lyrics by Mary Jo Pehl
Notes: From "Horrors from Screen to Scream": A Swedish fantasy
with some fine photographic wonders but a mixed bag of a plot.
Hampered by a low budget and wooden characters, the film should
appeal to the kids. A witch orders the sun not to rise and earth
is turned into a ball of ice. Valiant heroes and a machine known
as the "sampo" combat this Wizard of Oz reject.
--- Michael Grubb
423 Bride of the Monster (Hired!)
Pre: Watching Crow's dream
Inventions: MS: Tough Love Seat J: Microwave Faith Popcorn
Skits: "Hired!" by the SOL Community Players
Monsters of the Sea
A World Without Advertising
Post: Re-edit of the final scene--letter
Credits: Camera: John Finley
"Hired! Song" written and arranged by Micheal J. Nelson,
Kevin Murphy
This episode dedicated to the spirit of
William A. Murphy. Thanks, Dad.
424 Manos: Hands of Fate (Hired!)
Pre: Wonderful Joel
Inventions: MS: Chocolate Bunny Guillotine J: The Cartuner
Skits: The scenic tour
Frank apologizes
Scary exaggerated features
Joel: the Master of Darkness
Forrester apologizes
Post: Lady wrestling game/Torgo's pizza delivery
Fifth Season (Comedy Central) (24 episodes, 1993-94)
----------------------------------------------------
<under construction>
The Brain That Wouldn't Die
I Accuse My Parents
The Girl in Lover's Lane
Teenage Strangler
Beginning of the End
Human Duplicators
Mitchell
Wild Wild World of Bat Women
Alien From L.A.
Rich Kulawiec
Version: "$Header: mst3k-part5,v 1.7 93/12/06 21:29:39 rsk Exp $"
This list was compiled by Lisa Jenkins (jen...@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu),
with help from various folks as noted below. I've done a sort-and-merge
on it to produce this version.
The following is a list of songs in the experiments, listed by season,
production number and experiment name. Note that the production numbers used
in the Comedy Channel 1989/90 season are from Best Brains' Experiment Guide
and do not reflect the actual order the episodes were aired.
All songs were originally found in the Satellite of Love Newsletter (SOLN)
or on the USENET newsgroup alt.tv.mst3k.
Theme songs
-----------
"Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000"
from opening of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on KTMA TV23.
Lyrics: Joel Hodgson and Josh Weinstein
Music: Charles Erickson and Joel Hodgson
[Sung by "Joel and the Joels."]
In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday, A.D.--
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way;
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst ever made.
Joel says when you got lemons,
You make lemonade.
Now keep in mind he can't control
When the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot roll-call--
Cambot
Servo
Gypsy
Crow!
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000.
-----------
"Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic]"
from opening of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on The Comedy Channel and
Comedy Central.
Lyrics: Joel Hodgson and Josh Weinstein
Music: Charles Erickson and Joel Hodgson
[Sung by "Joel and the Joels."]
In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call: (Let's go!)
Cambot! (Pan left!)
Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
Croooow! (What a wisecracker!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"
KTMA TV23 1988/1989 season
--------------------------
January 1989 SST Death Flight
"Death Flight Song" (before show)
"Banana Boat Song"
May 7, 1989 The Million Eyes of Su-Muru
"Love Theme"
Comedy Channel 1989/90 season
-----------------------------
103 Mad Monster (Commando Cody part 2)
"Beverly Hillbillies Parody" (in movie)
[In theater:]
SERVO: Come'n listen to a story about a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed,
Then one day he was shootin' at some fooooooood--
JOEL: And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.
SERVO: Wolfman, that is.
Black teeth.
[] face.
Well, the next thing you know, old Jed's really scared.
The kin folks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
Said, "My cabin is the place you outta be,"
So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family.
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
104 Women of the Prehistoric Planet
"Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Hey, sirs. Uh, wha--what's up?
[In Deep 13:]
LARRY: Our income if this new gig works out.
DR. FORRESTER: Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food
restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
LARRY: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out a lot of the neutrients.
DR. FORRESTER: Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try
one of our burgers a la natrale? It's, uh, ripped from the bone to your plate
in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Ha, ha. Uh, make with the
lyrics, Larry. [picks up model of Flesh Barn]
LARRY: [brings out guitar]
If you're tired of the same old fare,
You've got a friend named Clay and Lar.
All our meat is guaranteed rare
Because we don't cook it!
DR. FORRESTER: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
LARRY: If you're tired of cookin' at home,
Try our meat right off the bone.
If you listen, you can hear it moan
Because we don't cook it!
DR. FORRESTER: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
LARRY: Now, there's no need for you to drive through,
Our fresh meat will walk out to you.
You'll say hi, you'll say moo,
It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
DR. FORRESTER: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
109 Project Moonbase (Commando Cody parts 7 & 8)
"Commando Cody Song"
[In theater:]
SERVO: You are watching Commando Cody
And it's a new character from Republic.
He gets in trouble every week
But he's saved by editing.
Just a tweak of the nipple sends him on his way
A pumpkin head and a rocket-pack, he'll save the day.
JOEL: His laboratory is a boxing ring.
When bad guys come to mix it up,
Somebody always gets kidnapped,
And Cody has to fix it up.
He drinks his tea at Al's cafe'
And flies along on wires.
He beats up crooks and flies with hooks
And puts out forest fires.
CROW: Bad guys beware, Cody is there.
You'll like his hair, it's under his helmet 'cause we couldn't
think of a good rhyme
And that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song,
So sit right back (and) with a will of granite
And watch chapter 8 "The Enemy Planet."
Transcribed by Lynn-Anne Friese.
110 Robot Holocaust (Commando Cody part 9)
"Human"
Comedy Channel/Central 1990/91 season
-------------------------------------
202 The Sidehackers
"Sidehackin'"
Music: The Brains
[On the satellite:]
[Crow is on guitar, Servo has drums]
JOEL: [carries in Ultamate blue screen] All right, well. We've gotta really
neat treat for you guys. We worked on some heavy charts about sidehackin'.
Cambot, I want you to run that race footage in there? On the, uh, Chromakey.
Okay, you guys--vamp.
[music starts]
JOEL: Yeah, I'm trapped up in outer space. Sometimes my life feels like a big
pile of nothin'. So what? Word. I live with it. Dig it. But anyway, we
[sic] and my bloods would like to wail out a song about our friends, the
sidehackers. Goes like this:
SERVO: 1, 2. 1, 2, 3, 4.
JOEL: [sings]
Sidehackin' is the thing to do
When it doesn't hurt to have a low IQ.
Take a life you like and a little love.
The big band prize is twenty-five bucks.
Sidehackin'll quench your danger thirst
The stupid ones always seem to come in first, yeah.
Sidehackin' is one big bash;
The favorite sport of cheap white trash.
When you're on your sidehack, make sure you don't slip;
You'll end up with five metal pins in your hip.
Lean way back 'til you scrape your butt;
Make it look like a quarter-pound of ground chuck, yeah.
Oh, sidehack it, Crow!
[music breakdown]
SERVO: Whoo! Oh, go, Crow!
JOEL: It's a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools.
A lot of people get hurt 'cause there are no rules.
All you need is a toxic landfill,
A cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill.
Better get with the sport 'cause it won't last long;
The founders of this sport are at Forest Lawn.
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins, with help from Mitch Gelly and Dave Harris.
"Love Pads the Film"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: [carries in keyboard] Oh, brother!
SERVO: Boy! What a depressing film!
CROW: Yeah! Talk about nihilism. That's the second film in a row that had the
hero die in the end.
SERVO: Boy, we're never gonna snap outa this existential dilemma.
JOEL: [begins to to play keyboard] Oh, I was afriad this would happen, so I
brought this thing along.
SERVO: Joel, why was the movie so *BAD*?!
CROW: Yeah! It was cool in the beginning with the sidehacking, then it went
right down the drain and they had to pad out the rest of the film with all
that killing.
JOEL: Oh, no, Crow. It wasn't killing that padded out the film.
CROW: Huh?
JOEL: Only love pads the film.
[sings]
When stories were young
And dreams were not done
A sorrow was so far away.
A storybook scene
With songs to be sung
And life--life was just for today.
SERVO: Oh, Joel!
JOEL: But nothing lasts forever.
Only love pads the film.
Of all the dreams you'll treasure
Only love--love pads the film.
SERVO: Joel, may I?
JOEL: Please.
SERVO: [sings]
The love that you made
Were two hearts in one.
Our flowers still blow in the wind.
Crow.
CROW: You give all you take--
A day in the sun--
But even the sun must descend.
JOEL: Everybody, now. Come on.
CROW: Ta-da!
ALL: But nothing lasts forever.
GYPSY: Forever.
ALL: Only love--
GYPSY: Only love--
ALL: --pads the film.
GYPSY: --pads the film.
ALL: Of all the dreams you've treasured--
GYPSY: Treasured--
ALL: Only love--
GYPSY: Only love--
ALL: --love pads the film.
GYPSY: --pads the film.
SERVO: Oh, Gyps--
JOEL: We may--the scientists are calling
And now we'd better get going.
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
204 Catalina Caper
"Creepy Girl"
Lyrics: The Brains
Music: Michael J. Nelson
[On the satellite:]
[Servo watches a picture of Creepy Girl on the TV as Joel and Crow enter]
SERVO: [sobs] Creepy Girl. [sniff] Oh, Creepy Girl, little--Creepy Girl.
Boo hoo hoo hoo.
JOEL: Geez. What's wrong, Tom Servo? You look as upset and downtrodden as a
little robot with inarticulate limbs *CAN* look.
SERVO: Oh, it's Creepy Girl, Joel. I just met a girl named Creepy Girl. And
suddenly, I find--
[music starts, lights dim]
CROW: I smell a song comin' on!
SERVO: Boo hoo hoo! Oh, Creepy Girl.
[sings]
Lyle Waggoner's a total jerk,
second only to Tommy Kirk.
Could you find it in your heart
to love a 'bot like me-hee-heee?
That fishy story you tell
always makes me slee-hee-pyy,
but that's just what I get
for dating a girl that's cree-hee-pyyy!
My Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!
[spoken]
Oh, "C" is for that feeling of uncertainty for not quite knowing what ethnic
group you're from. "R" is for the gifts you give me every time you smile.
The first "E" is for--uh, well, I don't really know. But the second "E" is
really a grammatical thing 'cause otherwise it would be "Crepy Girl," and
where would that leave us? The "P" is definitely not for "platonic." And
"Y?" Because I love you!
[sings]
My-hyyyyy--!
Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!
[spoken]
Oh, what are you Creepy Girl? Are you French, Italian, or one of those
swarthy Gypsy-types? Haha. Well, you're accent suggests a romance language,
but I can't be sure. Oh, we can definitely rule out a Germanic language. But
it's okay! I am a 'bot without a country. All I know is that I love you! I
want to shout it from the mountain tops! Uh, but, I'd have to get back down
to Earth and actually *CLIMB* a mountain. Or they could just drop me off on a
mountain. I don't care! That would be okay, because I just--need--*YOU*!
[sings]
My-yyyy. . . Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!
Won't you be mi-hee-hiiine?!
I'll give you scrolls and fish
and tinker-toys and wi-hee-hiiine!
I'll ditch these guys
if you'll be myyy Cree-hee-py Gir-HIRL!
Be-hee mi-hine before
moo-hoo-vie si-i-i-i-i--hi-i-i-i-i-ign!
Whooo hoo yoooo hooo!
Transcribed by J.D. Shull and Lisa Jenkins.
206 Ring of Terror (Phantom Creeps part 3--appears *after* movie)
"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World"
Lyrics: Frank Conniff
Music: Michael J. Nelson
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Man, that was such an ordeal. What a cruel trick, making us watch a
whole other movie again.
CROW: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more
*RIDICULOUS*!
SERVO: Yeah, I know. Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking he could
rule the world?
CROW: Yeah!
[In Deep 13:]
FRANK: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at the end.
Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here. If you ask me, that chauffeur
had the right idea. As a matter of fact, I prepared a little number:
[Spotlight on Frank who gets out of cardboard limo and dons chauffeur hat and
white gloves. Dr. Forrester "sits" in back of limo reading paper.]
FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
it's what I'd like to see
'cause everyone in the world
would take a back seat to me.
I wouldn't have to drive--
I wouldn't have to steer--
'cause all would bow down before me
in total abject fear.
All the gorgeous dames
would worship at my feet!
Why--I could have any one of them I want!
Even Meryl Steep!
I'd have complete respect
of everyone on the planet
including intellectuals,
even Daved Mamet.
[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester who gets angry at this.]
FRANK: Tell me, why do I have to take
orders from this guy?
I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease
and watch him slowly die.
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.
FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank! *FRANK!* [Picks up cardboard limo and
dumps it over Frank's head.]
FRANK: --is what I'd like to see--
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough!
FRANK: --'cause everyone in the world
would take a back seat to me--Mommy!
[Dr. Forrester dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]
DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: We think your song is--
ALL: --*FABULOUS!*
[In Deep 13:]
FRANK: [choked with tears]
If chauffeurs ruled the world,
it's what I'd like to see,
but I guess some other palooka will rule the world
[snorts with tears]
No, not me.
DR. FORRESTER: Push the button, Judy Garland. [Frank sobs with tears.] Push
the button, Frank.
FRANK: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?
DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for crying out loud! [pushes button]
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins, with more stuff from Dave Harris.
207 Wild Rebels
"Wild Rebels Cereal"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: We'll be back after this important message. Let's go!
SERVO: Get the box, you ready? Cue!
JOEL: *HEY KIDS!*
[music starts]
SERVO: Yeehoo!
CROW: Whoo!
SERVO: 1, 2. 1, 2, 3.
ALL: We're Wild Rebels!
Crunchy, fruity, rebels!
Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun.
JOEL: It's Wild Rebels cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like getting hit
in the back of the head with a surf board of flavor.
SERVO: Look! Marshmallow Fatties!
CROW: Sugary Lindas!
JOEL: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!
SERVO: Crunchy Oat Rods!
CROW: And cheaters too-- Die cheater *DIE*!!
[music stops]
MOM: Kids? What are you doing in there?
ALL: Having a good breakfast, Mom!
[music starts]
SERVO: Pour on the milk! 1, 2. 1, 2, 3, 4.
ALL: Wild Rebels!
Punchy, crunchy rebels!
Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!
JOEL: Wild Rebels cereal part of this complete breakfast.
CROW: Hey! There's a cheap surprise inside!
JOEL: I got a gun!
SERVO: I got a sawed off pool cue with a leather strap!
CROW: I got a chunck of hose filled with lead shot!
SERVO: Awright! Let's take it home!
ALL: They won't get soft or squishy.
Better eat 'em or you're a sissy.
Just pound 'em down you stupid clown--
THEY'RE WILD....!!!!
JOEL: Wild Rebels cereal, just eat 'em.
ALL: Oh! We got movie sign!
[In theater:]
JOEL: Wow, fruity, kookie rebels
SERVO: Umm hmmm, nutty.
Transcribed by Johnny Klonaris and Lisa Jenkins.
210 King Dinosaur (X Marks The Spot)
"Joey the Lemur"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: I wrote a song and sketch about the lemur.
SERVO: All right. [clears throat]
It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to mankind,
Our furry sort of monkey friend who really does shine. Hey!
JOEL: Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have around to huggle and talk to
and fun fun fun!
CROW: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere.
Joey the Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he anyway?
Umh uh...Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the
bathroom anywhere.
Joey--
JOEL: Wait a minute, hold it!
CROW: Huh?
JOEL: Just hold it.
CROW: But there's more!
SERVO: Hey!
JOEL: That's okay.
CROW: Oh.
JOEL: This is the lemur. Native to the Philippines and Madagascar, uh...and
fictional planets like Nova. Uh...he is a clean, gregarious, and good pet.
JOEL: [as lemur] You said it, pal! Oh boy, pal of mine, you're the one for
me!
SERVO: Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine!
JOEL: [as lemur] Hey! Can it, fireplug! I've had enough out of you!
SERVO: Joey--
JOEL: [as lemur] I've got a story to tell.
SERVO: --the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks
JOEL: [as lemur] Oh boy, will I ever, I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried
of the animal world, I don't mind telling you. You know, I'm the clown prince
of the primate world who's often uh, who's often mistaken for our friend the
chimpanzee. But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about
our chimpanzee brethren, only that I wish--here's wishing they'd throw a
little more work our way, all right?
CROW: Lemur, the lemur, L-E-M-U-R. Uh, I--hey!
JOEL: [as lemur] Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like him!
SERVO: L is for LEMUR!
JOEL: [as lemur] L is for lemur, 'nuff said!
CROW: E is for EAT!
JOEL: [as lemur] E is for eat. I eat four times my own weight in nuts and
berries, which has its consequences, but go figure!
CROW: M is for MONKEY!
JOEL: [as lemur] Monkey. I'm often mistaken for a monkey. It goes with the
turf. Let's go!
SERVO: U is for UNUSUAL!
CROW: And UNPREDICTABLE!
JOEL: [as lemur] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny
Carson's sportcoat--I don't panel well. Okay, on with the show!
SERVO: R is for RADICAL!
CROW: And RAMBUNCTIOUS!
JOEL: [as lemur] Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright! Whoooooo!
SERVO: Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur....
CROW: ...friend to all mankind!
JOEL: [as lemur] Please consider me as a possible corporate symbol or mascot
suitable and fine for any professional or semi-professional sport team.
CROW and SERVO: It's the (CROW: magnificent/SERVO: splendiferous) *LEEEMURRR*!
JOEL: [as lemur] I, the lemur, beg you to consider me. I am willing to travel
and would make an excellent companion to any elderly or unelderly...elderly
person. Gentlemen, please consider me. Thank you. Won't you? Thank you.
Transcribed by Ryan Franklin, Jason Corley and Lisa Jenkins.
212 Godzilla vs. Megalon
"Jet Jaguar Fight"
213 Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
"Godzilla Geneaology Bop"
[In the satellite:]
CROW: Joel?
JOEL: Yeah.
CROW: Joel! Jo--
JOEL: Uh, over here, yeah.
CROW: Oh, there you are. Uh, I'm confused. Uh, Just who is this Godzilla
guy?
SERVO: Yes, wise one. Please, teach us.
JOEL: I don't know if you're ready for this.
SERVO: [at same time as Crow] Oh, please Mr. Joel. Please! Come on. Please!
Please! Please! Please! Please!
CROW: [at same time as Servo] Oh, please! Please! Pleeeeease!
JOEL: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is
called the "Godzilla Geneaology Bop." Would you hit it, Professor Cambot?
[music starts]
In order to know Godzilla, we've got to look into his past.
CROW: You know studying geneaology is gonna be a blast.
JOEL: Ah, you've got it little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
SERVO: Come on, let's cut to the chase you couple of geeks, and get to the
family tree!
CROW: Huh?
JOEL: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
SERVO: Oh, like--
SERVO and CROW: --baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
JOEL: Right. The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their
size.
SERVO: Oh.
CROW: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
JOEL: Right.
SERVO: Ah!
JOEL: Now you're getting it little buddy--
CROW: Ah!
JOEL: --but now we must move on.
SERVO: Uh hu.
JOEL: Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-bomb.
SERVO: Yeah. Look, there's Aunty Ness from Scotland's Loch, they married in
the spring. And their first-born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing!
[in background]
Bop be du-bop! Be du-bidie du be du bop....
[you got the picture....]
CROW: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair
with Lorna Lufts and smoked a big cigar.
SERVO: And outa the lust of the love affair Rob Pearlman resulted.
CROW: Hu!
JOEL: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted! Oh,
I did it again.
CROW: Then Ron met Yoko Ono, and they began to spawn a couple of hundred
horrible things as green as [forest lawn].
SERVO: There they are: there's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk, and
Earnest Borgnine too!
CROW: But Earnest Borgnine isn't green!
SERVO: Well put him on a boat and he is!
JOEL and CROW: *WHAT?!*
SERVO: Hey! Who's that at the bottom, a-wallowin' in his shame?
CROW: Oh, that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
SERVO: Hu.
JOEL: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
CROW: No, you don't suppose?!
SERVO: Oh yes it is, the horror of horrors--
ALL: --Karl Baldwin's nose!
SERVO and CROW: Ohhhh nooooo!
JOEL: We got movie--commercial sign on top.
CROW: Dig it.
Transcribed by (j...@math.ufl.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.
Comedy Central 1991/92 season
-----------------------------
302 Gamera
"Tibby, Oh Tibby"
Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson
[On the satellite:]
[Servo talks to a toy turtle in a fishbowl. The bowl spins on a record player
on the SOL desk.]
SERVO: More fish flakes, sweet friend?
[lights dim, Servo sings]
Oh, Tibby. My Tibby,
my heart is a mess.
I don't have a protective shell
over my chest.
So people can *HURT* me
with the cruel things they dooo!
Yet somehow, sweet Tibby,
I know you hurt, too.
Oh, Tibby. My Tibby,
reality's hard.
So Tibby,
let's play in the yaaaaaaard!
Oooooooh, Tibby! Oh, Tibby!
[Crow enters]
He runs like the wind.
A couple of inches--aha!--
and then back again!
Oooh-doh-doooh.
CROW: Uh, may I take a verse?
SERVO: Oooo-doo-doooo. Well, if you feel it, Crow.
CROW: Oh, I--do. Ahem!
SERVO: Well, Crow. Then by all means. Join me, won't you?
CROW: 5, 6, 7, 8.
Tippyyyy--!
SERVO: It's *TIBBY*! *TIBBY!*
CROW: Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I love you my fine lit-tle fellaaa!
Even though you gave the whole fam-i-ly salmonellaaa!
[lights rise, music stops, Joel enters]
SERVO: No! No! It's not their fault!
CROW: Hee hee hee hee!
SERVO: It isn't their fault! Crow, you take everything good and--! You rip
my heart out!!! [sobs]
CROW: Geez, I'm--I'm sorry.
JOEL: C'mon, Crow, let'm finish his song.
CROW: Oh, okay.
JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.
CROW: It's just a stupid ol' turtle.
JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.
[Servo stops crying, lights dim, spotlight on Tibby]
SERVO: Thank you, Cambot.
[music begins]
Tibby. My Tibby,
your blood may be cold,
but I know that your heart
burns as hot as a coal!
It burns with the love
only turtles can feel!
Tibby--!
[spoken]
Is our love real?
My Tibby, I'll never let the dog nose around your bowl, but you know that
don't you? I can see it in your beady, little eyes! If you high-center on
your rock, Tibby, I'll be there to help you down!
[sings]
The toilet's not your fate, friend!
You'll always run freeeeeee!
Tibby--!
Long as you have meeeeeeeeeeee!
[music ends]
CROW: D'you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?
JOEL: That was really good, Tom.
SERVO: [sob] Thank you.
JOEL: We got Commercial Sign.
Transcribed by J.D. Shull and Lisa Jenkins.
303 Pod People
"Burning Rubber Tires"
[In the satellite:]
['bots are all dressed as women, Joel wears headphones and stands next to a
mic]
JOEL: All right! All right, let's do it again! You come in late girls, again,
you're out. All right?
['bots moan]
All right, from the top.
[music starts]
With a pickled mind,
We kicked enough of beer.
Steady as a goat,
We're flying over trout.
Getto down the highway
At the speed of light.
All I want to feel is like
The wind in my eyes.
Sack of monkeys in my pocket,
My sister's ready to go.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hear the engines roll now.
GYPSY: Hear the engines roll now.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Idiot control now.
GYPSY: Idiot control now.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hideous control now.
GYPSY: Hideous control now.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy on the road now.
GYPSY: Needy on the road now.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy in control,
Wheels on fire,
Burning rubber tires!
GYPSY: Tires!
[In Deep 13:]
DR. FORRESTER: He's pretty good.
FRANK: Good? He's the *BEST*!
[In the satellite:]
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Near each other rolls now.
GYPSY: Near--now.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: He really likes to go now.
GYPSY: He--like--go.
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy inches bow down.
GYPSY: Bow down!
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Pity and a poor boy.
GYPSY: Poor boy!
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hear the X's roll,
Peas on a pod,
Burning rubber tires.
GYPSY: Tires!
[In Deep 13:]
DR. FORRESTER: Oh great.
FRANK: Say!
DR. FORRESTER: Pretty good.
FRANK: Yeah!
DR. FORRESTER: Whadda think?
[In the satellite:]
JOEL: It stinks!
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
"Clown in the Sky"
[On the satellite:]
[music plays in background, Servo whistles]
JOEL: Well, guys, looks like it's time to pack it all in again.
CROW: Yeah. We are the stuff dreams are made of.
SERVO: Oh, that's beautiful, Crow! Shakespeare?
CROW: Uh, no. Burmashave, act--
SERVO: Oh, well I--huh?
JOEL: [as he takes Crow apart] You know, guys, it always hurts--
CROW: Ow!
JOEL: --to close it all up--
SERVO: Yeah.
JOEL: --strike the set--
CROW: Ow! Geez!
JOEL: --wipe off the grease paint--
SERVO: Yeah.
JOEL: --uh, napkin up the blood and entrails--
CROW: Ouch!
JOEL: --and move on to another town.
CROW: Uh, oh. I smell a song.
SERVO: Mmmm hmmm.
JOEL: [sings]
Tell me where does all the magic go--
SERVO: [in background] Ooooo!
JOEL: When the curtain falls to end the show?
Do the clowns always cry
When they pack up the paper sky,
And the champaign is being poured,
[Servo provides harmony]
And the lock is on the old stage door?
[Servo ends harmony]
Will there still be a clown in the sky for me?
SERVO: Oh, Joel! Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo! Joel!
JOEL: Don't worry, buddy, there'll be other experiments.
SERVO: You really think so, Mister?
JOEL: Yeah. Take a verse. It'll cheer you up.
SERVO: Okay.
[sings in Anthony Newly voice]
When the harliquen is on the bed
And the whiskey haze surrounds his head,
William Holden's coming over and he's got a [] or two--
JOEL: Uh, Servo, if you don't stop doing your Anthony Newly, I'm gonna throw
you against the wall.
CROW: He'll do it, too.
JOEL: [sings]
Will there still be a clown in the sky--
SERVO: Help us out, Crow!
JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Still be a clown in the sky--
SERVO: Take it home, Joel!
JOEL: Tell me, where is that clown in the sky for me?
[spoken]
I love you, Tom Servo.
SERVO: I love you, Joel.
JOEL: I love you, Crow.
CROW: You're not my real father!
JOEL: Wadda think, sirs?
[In Deep 13:]
DR FORRESTER and FRANK: It stinks!
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
306 Time of the Apes
"The Sandy Frank Song"
Arranged: Michael J. Nelson
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: C'mon, everybody! Let's do the Sandy Frank Song!
ALL: Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank!
SERVO: He's the source of all our pain!
ALL: Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank!
CROW: Gads [gets?] about the house all day!
ALL: Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank!
JOEL: Thinks that people come from trees!
ALL: Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank!
SERVO: Gets horrid movies from Japan!
ALL: Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank!
CROW: Films are always poorly dubbed!
ALL: Sandy Fraaank! Sandy Fraaank!
JOEL: Spielberg won't return his calls!
Transcribed by Ed Hughes, M.M. Marmel and Lisa Jenkins.
307 Daddy-O (Alphabet Antics)
"Hike Up Your Pants"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Hey everybody, do the pants up song!
SERVO: Now!
JOEL: Dad 'n Lad, Farrahs, Levis, Bugle Boys
Sans-a-Belt, Chinos, Haggar, Ban-Rol,
Arnold Palmer, Wrangler, Johnny Carson, Huskies
No pants are higher than mine.
Hah! Oh! Look out! Don't touch this!
SERVO: Hah!
JOEL: Hike up your britches, super high now.
Cut off the circulation, to your thighs now.
Yank your trousers higher than Corey Haim's, oh wow.
SERVO: Hu hoo! Hah!
JOEL: 'Cause it ain't hip 'til you're in total pain.
SERVO: Whooo!
JOEL: Hike up your pants till you see your shins,
Wear an Izod shirt like a second skin.
Make sure you wear your belt buckle to the side.
Hike up your pants, take your butt cheeks for a ride.
SERVO: Hey!
JOEL: Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Chinos
Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Farrahs
Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Haggars
Hike up your britches like mine.... Take it Frank!
SERVO: Whoooo!
[In Deep 13:]
FRANK: Hike, Hike, Hike, Hike your pants up
Hike Hike Hike...with the thing, and, uh...
Hike Hike Hike...with the football...
Hike Hike...
Take it, Doctor!
[continues singing in background]
DR. FORRESTER: I'm not taking anything, Frank! Here, I'll take these. [Pulls
pants over Frank's head, Frank keeps "hiking" through fly.] And you! Pants
Weasel! Get on with it! Zip it, Frank.
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Ban-Rols
Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Roebucks
Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Toughskins
Hike up your britches like mine! Hah!
Hike up your britches like mine! Hah!
Hike up your britches like mine! Hah! Oh yeah, look out!
Hike up my britches like mine! Jump back, kiss myself!
[continues singing]
SERVO: Uh, Joel, take the commercial sign. Joel!
JOEL: Hike up your britches like mine! I can't come back--I don't know how it
works!
CROW: Joel! Joel! Commercial sign! Snap out of it, buddy!
SERVO: Oh no! He's vapor locked! Hit the button, Crow! Hit the button!
CROW: I'll get it! Ungh!
Transcribed by Bryan Lambert, Ed Hughes, Donna K. Lang and Lisa Jenkins.
310 Fugitive Alien
"Forklift Song" (in movie)
312 Gamera vs. Guiron
"Bouncy Gamera Song"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Let's go, Gamera!
[music starts]
ALL: Gamera! Gamera!
Gamera is really neat.
Gamera is filled with meat.
We've been eating Gamera!
Shell
Teeth
Eyes
Flames
Claws
Breath
Scales
Fun!
SERVO: Dr. Forrester is kind of a jerk,
and Frank is really dumb, too.
CROW: We have to take part in these lame experiments.
JOEL: But do we complain?
SERVO: No!
JOEL: No!
CROW: Yes!
SERVO: Huh?
So we hi-keeba all over the place--
JOEL: --and talk of a thousand wonderful days.
SERVO: Everybody now!
ALL: Gamera is really sweet,
he is filled with turtle meat.
Now we have Commercial Sign!
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
"Gamera Marching Song"
"Michael Feinstein's Gamera"
from "Gamera vs. Guiron"
[In Deep 13:]
[Closeup of sign announcing:
Appearing tonite in Deep 13
Michael Feinstein
"Just Cole Porter
...and Me"
Piano plays as camera pans away from sign.]
FEINSTEIN: Anyway, he got his start getting cigarettes to Agnus Demille, if
you can believe that.
FRANK: Oh, ho, ho!
FEINSTEIN: But, anyway, back to my original story which was that I think Oscar
Hammerstein spent *TWO WEEKS* up at his Bucks County farm writing the lyrics to
"Oh, What a Beautiful Morning." And he labored over it and he turns it over
to Dick Rogers who sits down and promptly--in ten minutes, mind you--writes
the melody. And I don't have to tell you two gentlemen that American musical
theater was never quite the same thing.
FRANK: What a *WONDERFUL* story!
DR. FORRESTER: Uh, tell us that story about Cole Porter again.
FRANK: Oh, please do!
FEINSTEIN: Should I? Really? Okay. Well, Cole Porter, in, during his horse-
riding accident, well, he was laying in the middle of the woods with his legs
crushed, yelling for help, he decided to write "The Long Last Love."
FRANK: Oh, no!
FEINSTEIN: That's a true story, but what a lot of people don't know is that
the lyrics were altered for its Broadway opening, yes. And the original
lyrics went something like this:
[Plays a haunting tune.]
Very tender.
[Pounds on piano.]
Oh my God! I'm in so much pain! Somebody please help me! Somebody come and
save me!
FRANK: What an *ENCHANTING* anecdote!
DR. FORRESTER: They don't write them like that anymore, do they?
FEINSTEIN: They certainly do not.
DR. FORRESTER: How does the Gamera theme songs stack up against songs from
yesteryear?
FEINSTEIN: Oh, it's interesting you should ask that because the opening lyric
of the Gamera theme song has sort of a Rogers and Hart feel to it. Let me
show you what I mean.
[plays piano and sings]
Gamera--
[plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk]
Gamera--
[tra la la la, tra la la la]
Gamera is really neat.
Gamera is filled with meat.
We all love you, Gamera.
[speaks]
But then the second part is a little more fun. It has a sort of George and
Ira Gershwin feel to it.
[sings]
Shell,
Teeth,
Eyes,
Claws,
Scales,
Breath,
Fun.
[speaks]
It sort of sneaks up on you. "Boo," it says.
[plays piano and sings]
Gamera's enchantment still grows.
He fills our hearts with love.
Gamera's the latest thing.
He fills our hearts with spring, spring, spring!
Anytime you want some moonbeams,
[whispered]
Gamera is the thing.
[plays piano and sings]
Gamera is really neat,
He is filled with turtle meat.
We all love you, *GAMERA*!!!
DR. FORRESTER: Ah! Kill him. Better yet, I'll kill him. You push the
button. [Picks up large mallet as Frank goes to push the button.]
Transcribed by Amanda (ecam...@groucho.mrc.unm.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.
314 Mighty Jack
"Slow the Plot Down"
[On the satellite:]
SERVO: [in background] Arr! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
JOEL: Well, me blimey buckos, the movie's over, the paint is past and I feel
like singing a plot shanty. Be lively now, me Bonnie Raitts. Ah!
ALL: [sing]
Oh! Slow the plot down, laddie,
Slow the plot down.
Way-hey! Slow the plot down.
We'll scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.
JOEL: Okay, now. Who can tell me their favorite scene from the movie so far?
SERVO: Oh, sure!
JOEL: Tom? Go ahead.
SERVO: There was a--there was a, um, da, uh...argh!
CROW: Ah!
ALL: Oh! Slow the plot down, laddie,
Slow the plot down.
Way-hey! Slow the plot down
With German, Italian and Japanese clowns.
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.
JOEL: Okay. Well, how 'bout you--how 'bout you, Crow? You must be full to
bursting--
CROW: Huh?
JOEL: --with some fond memories of today's movie. Come on--think hard!
CROW: Oh, ah, uh, um.
SERVO: Brother.
CROW: Uh, ah, geez, Joel. I'm drawing a blank!
SERVO: Yeah, me too.
CROW: I, ah, um. Oh! I remember vaguely a guy locked--locked in a room with
another guy and someone...running....
SERVO: Oh!
CROW: Arr! Arr! Arr!
ALL: Oh! We'll make you a movie
that's long and immense.
Way-hey! Slow the plot down.
Just give us a script that makes
no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
JOEL: Well, come on, you guys. I can remember--I for one--in vivid detail--a
frog man who, uh. Just who is--who's Mighty Jack, anyway?
SERVO: Oh! Wow! It just hit me! I remember! The scene where Quiquack sits
motionless on the deck meditating for telling the death of the crew--
CROW: Oh! Yeah! Yeah! And the scout sees Adicka shoot the mad dog in the
street and Alex goes to the comes--
JOEL: I--I remember. And then Patrick Swayze walks in and says--
ALL: "It's my way or the highway."
CROW: Ha, ha!
JOEL: Ha, ha!
SERVO: Arr!
JOEL: Come on, guys.
CROW: Oh! My brain hurts!
SERVO: Joel, I'm so confused!
JOEL: It's really not that bad, you guys. I for one actually feel like I just
got done listening to two hours of Lou Reed's metal machine music.
SERVO: Hey!
JOEL: You know, my brain feels clean as a whistle!
CROW: And that's pretty good!
JOEL: Yeah! It is!
SERVO: That's not bad! Let's take it home, boys!
JOEL: Okay!
ALL: Slow the plot down, laddie,
Slow the plot down.
Way-hey! Slow the plot down.
Just scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
SERVO: Arr!
JOEL: Arr! Me blimy overlords, what-a think-y? Arr!
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
316 Gamera vs. Zigra
"The Many Tunes of Gamera"
317 Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent (The Home Economics Story)
"Waffles, We Love You"
[On the satellite:]
CROW and SERVO: Waffles! Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!
JOEL: Join us, everybody! Come on, Cambot, give me trippleberry!
[music starts]
W is for the many ways that you're served
CROW: A is for the admiration you deserve
GYPSY: F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!
SERVO: And F is for the flavor that is second ta none!
JOEL: L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!
ALL: E is for eggs--Oh Baby!
SERVO: Triple time!
ALL: Put 'em all together with a how do-ya-do
Lovely waffles we love--
GYPSY: Send me up another please!
ALL: Oh, waffles we love--
SERVO: Top mine off with runny cheese!
ALL: Waffles we love--
CROW: Chili waffles suit me fine!
ALL: Waffles we love--
JOEL: Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?
ALL: Waaaaaaaffffles, wee love youuuu!
JOEL: Whadda think, sirs?
[In Deep 13:]
DR. FORRESTER: Let's face it, sticky fingers, waffles are nothing more than a
vehicle for butter and syrup. Heh heh heh heh!
[On the satellite:]
ALL: *WHAT?!*
JOEL: They are not!
CROW: Hey! You watch your mouth about waffles!
Transcribed by Ed Hughes and Lisa Jenkins.
318 Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
"Fugitive Alien Medley"
[On the satellite:]
SERVO: All right, I'm feeling really good.
JOEL: Yeah.
SERVO: Yes!
GYPSY: Oh boy!
["Fugitive Alien theme" plays]
ALL: This is the song
starting off our medley--
Our favorite Fugitive
Alien song
Don't try to kill us
with a forklift
Won't take very long--
relax and sing along.
SERVO: Thank you, thank you.
CROW: You know, Tommy-- a movie like Fugitive Alien can make you cry, and it
can make you cry.
SERVO: Ah, oui, yes.
CROW: But thing I treasure most, and I'm speaking from the heart, here--
SERVO: Mmm hmmm.
CROW: --this is totally off script--
SERVO: Mmm hmmm.
CROW: --is the music.
SERVO: [with French accent] Oh, this is so true, mon Crow--songs of love and
adventure, and if I may, whimsy, no? Heh, heh, heh. But you know, my
favorite was the heartrending ballad in which the whistful Tammy pledges her
love to Ken.
CROW: It goes ... a little something like this:
SERVO: 3 4
["I Love Ken," reminiscent of "Frere Jacques," plays]
CROW: I love Ken
He is my sweet friend
and I love him...
SERVO: I love Ken
He is my sweet friend
and I love him...
CROW: I'm so blue
'cause I don't think
Ken loves me...
SERVO: I'm so blue
'cause I don't think
Ken loves me...
CROW: I'm all messed up inside
I might have to
off him...
SERVO: I'm all messed up inside
I might have to
off him...
CROW: I'll frame Rocky and
get away
scott free...
SERVO: I'll frame Rocky and
get away
scott free...
CROW: I love Ken
he is my sweet friend
and I love him....
SERVO: Frere Jacque,
Frere Jacque,
[continues over Crow]
CROW: I'm so blue
'cause I don't think
Ken loves me...
I'm all messed up inside
I might have to
off him...
SERVO: I saw three ships come
sailing in on
Christmas day,
on Christmas day
[continues over Crow]
CROW: I'll frame Rocky and
get away
scott free...
SERVO: I love Ken...
I love Ken...
JOEL: All right, this band is marvelous, aren't they ladies and gentlemen?
Cambot Brown and his band renouned--give it up for 'em!
CROW: Yeah!
SERVO: Smokin'!
JOEL: Yeah!
SERVO: 2 3
(tune of a jazzy boogie)
JOEL: Its got a real cool feel
flying high with the Starwolf
we're firing up the ship
and we're hitting the town
with groovy Ken and Tammy,
swingin' Rockin' Joe,
and those two other guys
who we don't really know
forget 'em!
Lay down the boogie
and head for the stars, man!
GYPSY: Thanks Joel, well that was fun. But if I could get a little serious
for a moment, well I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in
shiny red leather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there
somewhere.
["Superman March" plays]
Look and you'll see
Flying so fancy free
Fighting for you and me,
Captain Joe and the gang.
When they pass by
[] pumpkin pie
top of the []
wearing the blue.
SERVO: Tempo! Tempo! Tempo!
JOEL: That's really good. Gypsy, you wanna do one with me?
GYPSY: Huh?
JOEL: You want to do one with me?
GYPSY: Well, Joel, I--
SERVO: Let's all do it.
GYPSY: Okay
ALL: We are gonna find
Sandy Frank.
We just want to
ask him why.
We want to stick it to
Sandy Frank
and sit on his chest
and gob on his face
and make him cry!
CROW: Yeah!
JOEL: All right, now--lets take it home!
CROW: I'm feeling really good
SERVO: Feels so good it shows!
CROW: Yeah!
["Fugitive Alien theme" plays]
ALL: And that's our song,
we hope that you enjoyed it
and if you thought it
was stupid and trite
come on and
kill us with a forklift.
All we wanna do
with love from us to you
is sing
the Fugitive Alien song!
Transcribed by Charles Mcgrew and Lisa Jenkins.
321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
"A Patrick Swayze X-mas"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: I think it's kind of, uh, hot to be wearing these scarves in here.
SERVO: Oh, yeah.
CROW: Well, scarves are a must. You can't go caroling without a scarf. Catch
your death!
JOEL: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in, uh, high school that
used to sell the most candybars for the marching band.
SERVO: Yeah, and you'd be president of the swing choir, too.
CROW: Ha ha! Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson. Thanks, Tom Servo.
SERVO: What a kiss-up, this guy.
CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my
new song.
JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?
CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha!
SERVO: Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"
CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, _Roadhouse_.
SERVO: C'mon, what the heck does *PATRICK SWAYZE* have to do with
*CHRISTMAS*?!
CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, okay?
SERVO: Oh, jeeesss.
JOEL: Hey, cmon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can
give it a shot. C'mon.
CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--
SERVO: Good.
CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with
me, everybody, okay? Uh, your part's written out. Let's have a Patrick
Swayze Christmas, by Crow T. Robot.
JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?
CROW: Right. Hit it, Cambot!
SERVO: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm.
CROW: I'm sorry.
SERVO: Pick it up. "Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas
in."
CROW: "We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin."
SERVO: Not bad!
JOEL: "And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing."
'BOTS: "We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing."
SERVO: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!"
CROW: "Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!"
JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I
think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.
CROW: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas?
JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a
Christmas carol before.
SERVO: Well, yeah!
CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!
SERVO: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. Lovely intro, though. Very
tasteful.
CROW: Thank you.
SERVO: I like that. "It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-
haar."
CROW: "I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!"
JOEL: "I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till."
'BOTS: "I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,"
ALL: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all. And this can be
the haziest . . . this can be the laziest. . . this can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them *AAALLLLLLLLLL*!"
SERVO: "La la la laa ha HAAA!"
CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?
JOEL: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon.
CROW: Waaaaah!
SERVO: We'll be right back. Oooh. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh.
Transcribed by Paul Ashley and Lisa Jenkins.
322 Master Ninja I
"Master Ninja Theme Song"
323 Castle of Fu Manchu
"Satellite of Love Marching Song"
Comedy Central 1992/93 season
-----------------------------
403 City Limits
"Ode to Kim Cattrel"
406 Attack of the Giant Leaches (Undersea Kingdom)
"Danger to Ourselves and Others"
Music: Michael J. Nelson
Joel Hodgson
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Bring it down there, Gypsy. Ya know, Silas, it's not easy being a
social misfit and then getting the added responsibility of dragnetting the
swamp for missing townsfolk. And I can't even button my own shirt.
SERVO: Yeah, I hear ya, Gunther. Now isn't it amazing how we inferior types
keep getting asked to do the dangerous work which should go to men more stable
than us? Really is a miracle! He huu! Hooter?
CROW: Uh, duh, yep! Uh wagnets. Hahaha.
JOEL: Whadda he say, Cilus?
SERVO: Well, I think what our bright young friend's trying to say here is the
reason we three goofuses are asked to do these hazardous tasks outside the
perimeter of normal society's rationale is, we're a danger to ourselves and
others.
[music starts]
JOEL: Hu da! Kinda reminds me of Darwin's theory of Natural Selection.
CROW: Yeah! If you're dumb--ya DIE!
[all laugh]
SERVO: That's, I say, that's a rich one there, Hooter!
[sings]
Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others.
My cousins are as close as brothers.
I stay out in the rain all the time!
CROW: He's a danger to himself and others.
Only likes shows with Sally Struthers.
I can't even think of a word that rhymes.
SERVO: Ya just did!
JOEL: How dumb are you Uncle-Dad?
SERVO: Well pretty dumb, that's for sure!
CROW: How dumb are you Uncle-Dad?
SERVO: Well this pipe's filled with manure!
ALL: We're a danger to ourselves and others.
Screw the earth and steal our mothers.
Leave us in the woods and we're just fine.
We're a danger to ourselves and others.
Good livestock with better lovers.
Hunting leeches is what we call a good time!
[Joel throws dynamite.]
BOOM! BOOM!
SERVO: Oh Boy! I'd like to shake hands with any Giant Leeches after that.
CROW: What? The dynamite or that crappy song?
SERVO: He he huee.
Transcribed by Brian O'Connor and Christopher Schumann.
410 Hercules Against the Moon Men
"Ode to Pants"
411 The Magic Sword
"Ode on Estelle"
417 Crash of the Moons
"Gypsy Moon"
[On the satellite:]
JOEL: Oh! I hope you're enjoying today's film, and I certainly hope those
gypsy moons don't crash. Did you know that the gypsy moons is actually a
reference to a popular song title from the 1920s? Mmm hmm. Don't remember?
Well, here's our own Tom Servo, Gypsy and Crow to help you out doing their
rendition of the Gypsy Moons. Hit it, kids!
SERVO: No, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you!
GYSPY: Really?
SERVO: And I know I've love you, too, if only we could--
CROW: You haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for!
Isn't that right, Gypsy?
GYPSY: I can't decide.
CROW: Can't decide? Maybe this will help--
[music starts, Servo whistles]
SERVO: Ba boom ba boom.
CROW: I can't sleep, or clean my room,
since you and I first had our swooney swoon--
GYPSY: Oh!
CROW: --in early June under the clear blue gypsy moon.
GYPSY: Oh, that's nice.
CROW: Thank you.
SERVO: No, no, no. Don't listen to him, honey! Listen to me!
GYPSY: I should?
SERVO: Lovers have their tune, I know that I was meant for you.
[Crow groans]
GYSPY: Ah!
SERVO: Yes, one and one makes two and that would be just me and you, honey!
GYPSY: Oh!
SERVO: Strollin' arm and arm under a gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.
GYPSY: Oh, very good.
SERVO: Take my hand! Oh, you can't.
GYPSY: Oh.
CROW: In Tom's that are macaroons, his family are all baboons--
[Gypsy laughs]
CROW: --but my love is a typhoon, and, besides, my dad's a...tycoon!
GYPSY: Daddy's got money.
CROW: So come with me under the gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.
SERVO: Don't listen to that thin beak over there, listen to me!
I'm a starter for the Bruins, so don't ya leave my heart in ruins--
GYPSY: A hockey player!
SERVO: --I've been in a coccoon, but now I sing just like a loon!
GYPSY: Oh!
SERVO: Since you and I sang tunes under the gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.
GYPSY: I have something to say.
CROW: Yeah?
SERVO: Tell me! Tell me!
GYPSY: Although I'd just as soon take Nyquil with a spoon
then listen to you two drone on about the gypsy moon,
if the choice between you too goons, I'd rather date Stacey Coon!
CROW and SERVO: [whisper] Stacey Coon?
CROW: I think you judge too soon in this matter of the moon--
GYPSY: I did?
[music changes]
CROW: --'cause when the lights go out--
SERVO: Whoo!
CROW: --and we're sitting on the couch--
GYPSY: Whoo!
[Joel rushes in]
CROW: I'm gonna give ya everything--!
[Joel clamps Crow's mouth down]
JOEL: Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.
And now here's our own Al Jazzbow Collins with a message. Never again you
guys. That's it.
Transcribed by Greg Simon and Lisa Jenkins.
422 The Day the Earth Froze (Here Comes the Circus)
"Gypsy Rose Me"
423 Bride of the Monster (Hired! pt 1)
"Hired!"
[On the satellite:]
[A sign appears with the words:
The SOL Community Theater
Sings hits from
"HIRED!"
featuring
Mort Cambot
and his
orchestra ]
['Bots sing in a whisper]
SERVO: He's hired.
SERVO and CROW: He's hired.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired. He's hired.
JOEL: I'm hired.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.
JOEL: I hope I don't get fired.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.
JOEL: In forty years I'll be retired.
But for now, I'm simply hired.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired, he's hired, he's hired, he's hired.
JOEL: I got a job today.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.
JOEL: I'm selling Chevrolets.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.
JOEL: I'm bringing home good pay.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.
JOEL: I just got hired.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired, he's hired, he's hired, he's hired.
['Bots sing in regular voice]
He got a job today.
JOEL: Yeah, me!
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's selling Chevrolets.
JOEL: We're gonna get awnings.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's bringing home good pay.
JOEL: Maybe even dessert.
[At same time with 'bots next line]
I just got hired.
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He just got hired.
ALL: HIRED!
[Music changes]
[Knock, knock, knock]
JOEL: I was wondering if you'd like to see my--
GYPSY: No!
JOEL: But I really think you should see my--
SERVO: No!
JOEL: It's got a lovely--
GYPSY: No!
JOEL: And if only you would--
CROW: No!
SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: Can't you see we're trying to tell you no!
[Music changes]
SERVO: Ahh. Zeros, zeros. None of my salesmen has ever sold a car. Ohh!
Sometimes I think I might be pushing them too far.
I think I'll hit the bar
and try to get my mind off zeros.
GYPSY: Zeros.
SERVO: Zeros.
GYPSY: Zeros.
SERVO: All of my salesmen a-r-e zeros. Aah.
[Music changes]
[Servo provides chirping noise]
CROW: Good evening, sonny.
SERVO: Hi, Dad.
CROW: You look depressed.
SERVO: I am.
GYPSY: Come on and have some lemonade.
SERVO: Thanks, Mom, but that won't help.
CROW: Just get it off your chest.
SERVO: Okay.
[Music speeds up]
I suck at my job.
CROW: No, you don't.
SERVO: Yes, I do.
GYPSY: Oh, my.
SERVO: My salesmen are slobs.
CROW: No, they aren't.
SERVO: Yes, they do.
GYPSY: Huh?
SERVO: I'd like to make a sell, but what can I do?
I'm gonna be a failure just like you, Dad.
CROW: Like me?
SERVO: That's right, I'll be a failure just like y-o-u!
CROW: Now, frikl...so--
JOEL: Extry, extry, read all about it!
Pearl Harbor bombed!
Roosevelt declares war!
SERVO: Well, that's it!
CROW: What's it?
SERVO: Uncle Sam's gonna need cars. Why, selling Chevrolets is gonna help the
war effort. Don't ya see, Dad? Come on everybody!
ALL: S-e-e the U.S.A. in the--
JOEL: Stop! We got Commercial Sign.
[Random oh's and uh's from the 'bots]
SERVO: For crying out loud!
CROW: What's the point?
JOEL: Commercial Sign.
Transcribed by Amanda (ecam...@groucho.mrc.unm.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.
Other
-----
"Satellite of Love"
from IT'S ALIVE! an Experiment "World Without End"
originally from Lou Reed's "Satellite of Love"
[On stage:]
JOEL: Satellite's gone--up to the stars.
Things like that drive me out of my mind.
SERVO: [in background] Oooooo!
JOEL: We're only here a little while.
[spoken]
Are you like us?
SERVO: [in background] Ahh!
JOEL: [spoken] Do you like to watch things on TV?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
SERVO: Ah, ah, ah, ah. Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
Satellite of--
SERVO: Love.
JOEL: Satellite's gone--way up to Mars.
SERVO: [in background] Ooo! Ahh!
JOEL: [spoken]
Hey, Frank. Take this one.
FRANK: Uh, it seems like we're all gonna be parking cars.
Jack?
JACK PERKINS: I watched it for a little while,
And for me--that is good TV!
JOEL and SERVO: Ah, ah, ah, ah.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
Satellite of--
JOEL: [spoken]
I've been told
That you feel bold
About Gypsy--
GYPSY: Yeah!
JOEL: --Crow and Tom.
SERVO: Ye-ho!
JOEL: Monday, Tuesday,
JOEL and SERVO: Wenesday, Thursday.
JOEL: Gypsy--
GYPSY: Yeah!
JOEL: --Crow and Tom.
SERVO: Tom! Ye-ho! Ah!
DR. FORRESTER: Finally, satellite's gone--up to the sky.
SERVO: Du, du, du, du, du, du.
DR. FORRESTER: This time it'll blow you're little mind.
SERVO: Ah, ha.
GYPSY: Ah!
DR. FORRESTER: I watched you for a little while,
And then I changed to Charles in Charge.
FRANK: Hey! That doesn't rhyme!
JOEL and SERVO: Ah, ah, ah.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.
SERVO: Bop.
CROW: Bop.
GYPSY: Bop.
JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.
Satellite of--
SERVO: [spoken] Okay, people, I want you to twink your fingers for those of us
who can't! Twink! Come on now! I want you to sing with us, now. Sing with
feeling; sing with heart; sing "Satellite of Love." Here we go.
JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite--of love.
GYPSY: Love!
SERVO: Sing along now.
JOEL, Frank and Servo: Satellite--
GYPSY: Satellite!
JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: --of love.
JOEL, FRANK, SERVO and CROW: Satellite--
GYPSY: Satellite!
JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: --of love.
JOEL: [spoken] Thanks for coming! I--we hope you had fun in outer space.
SERVO: Satellite--
JOEL: Thank you.
SERVO: --of love.
JOEL: Good night.
[They reprised the last section two more times.]
Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.
And finally, from Lisa:
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright
1993 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime or its
employees. The information herein is subject to being wrong. The lyrics are
free to distribute as long as this notice remains intact.