MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 5.
Amanda Van Rhyn
> She got the last apples off the tree, and then remembered her dress.
> Luckily, Herc was still snoozing. She slipped it on, looked at her
> reflection a few times in the nearby stream, and went to go wake Herc up.
> She tried shaking him, but it didn’t work.
> “Gods, I’ve heard of sleeping like a log, but this is ridiculous!”
> muttered Kat, as she attempted to wake up Herc. Exasperated, she finally
> decided to give him a good hard kick to get him moving.
CROW: <Katira> Ow! Note to self... kicking logs hurts.
> It worked, but Katira got an aching foot for several hours.
> “Huh? Oh, hi, Katira,” he began, sitting up.
> “It’s about time. Hurry up, or no breakfast for you,” said Katira.
> She tossed him his apple, and casually kissed his cheek in greeting.
> Surprised, he looked up at Katira, and for the first time that morning,
> Herc got a good look at her, and was completely stunned. For once, her
> hair was brushed, and hung in shimmering dark ringlets to her waist, with
> a single white narcissus tucked over her ear.
MIKE: <Narcissus> Hey, easy, lady! I don’t come in for another 3
myths!
> She was wearing her new dress, made of white satin.
ALL: <singing> Nerds in white satin...
> A belt of gold-braid rope circled her hips, and she played a little with
> the attached cape.
CROW: <Katira> See, my cape has the Bat-Signal, the emblem of my
undying fight against evil!
> There were splits on both sides of the long skirt up to her knees, and a
> low, flattering neckline trimmed in gold braid. Katira was even wearing
> a slight bit of make-up,
TOM: She's poor but she can still afford makeup.
MIKE: Continuity problem again?
TOM: No, just lack of common sense.
MIKE: Speaking of that, how much makeup did they sell in
ancient Greece, anyway?
> which made her look even more lovely than ever before. Altogether, the
> effect was breathtaking, and Herc blinked a few times to make sure he
> wasn’t dreaming.
TOM: Hercules pinches himself, and he accidentally hits a
pressure point. He dies quickly. The End!
> “Katira, you look...wonderful!” her said. Katira just smiled and
> shrugged one shoulder, flattered.
> “Thanks,” she said, “Now, are you going to eat or not?” She sat down
> beside him, and bit into her apple.
> “Oh, yeah, right. I forgot,” he apologized. He couldn’t seem to get
> over Katira’s beauty that morning. Even though he knew he shouldn’t think
> it, he thought it was too bad he had met Meg before he’d met Katira. After
> all, Katira was a lot like Meg, and yet so much more.
MIKE: More scuzzy, more morally questionable, more just plain
*wrong*...
> Katira was by far lovelier than Meg, as sweet and charming, better skilled,
> part Olympic god, and just so much, well, better, that he scolded himself
> for almost falling in love with Katira.
TOM: <Hercules> Bad me! Almost falling in love with a perfect
character and a thinly-veiled author avatar!
> He couldn’t help the strange feelings he was getting for Katira,
CROW: Nausea?
MIKE: Ennui?
TOM: Deep hurting?
> and swore never to show any trace of them. Katira, at that same moment,
> was also resolving not to reveal any love like this to her friend.
CROW: Ah, that sacred friendship shared by those who have been
together just over a day!
> Both finished their apples, and Katira retrieved her purse and flute,
> but not her cloak. Together, they headed off to the marketplace. No
> teenagers swarmed over them, and they enjoyed the peace. When they
> reached an open street corner, Katira took up her flute, and started
> playing. Many people stopped to listen, and she received handsome tips
MIKE: As opposed to repulsive tips oozing pus?
> from her audiences. The gold fairly piled up at her feet, and Katira’s
> purse was overflowing by the end of the concert. For once, she wasn’t
> penniless and poor.
CROW: Gee, I could swear just a little while ago Hercules gave her
large amounts of gold, therefore allowing her to buy the ridiculously
expensive fabric for her new dress!
TOM: Take it from the master: thinking too much about continuity kills.
> She went about the agora, buying whatever caught her fancy, and she was
> so happy that she could afford it all. Even after her shopping spree,
> her pouch was almost bursting with the money.
> “I don’t believe it!” she exclaimed when they got back to her camp.
> “You did wonderfully out there,” agreed Herc, smiling proudly at her.
> Katira smiled back, but soon looked away. She was losing it for him
> again, but was getting so exasperated with her own protectiveness
(M&TB start humming the song “If You Love Them, Set Them Free”)
> that she didn’t care. After all, she did love him. To defeat her
> defensive instincts, she took his hand in hers, and held it firmly.
MIKE: <Katira> So put your hero hand in mine! There ain’t no hill or
mountain we can’t climb! Babe...
> “Thanks, but without a little support from you, I might not have been
> able to do it,” she said, looking right into his blue eyes. His gaze
> softened into hers,
CROW: <Hercules> Aaahhh! My eyes are melting!!
> and despite their minds screaming “No!”, their hearts said “Yes!”, and
> they kissed. Not the pretended, rescue type of kiss, but the real kind,
> filled with real, mutual love.
TOM: Thrill as they consummate their... uh, at least an hour of
unbridled yearning!
> It was a perfect moment, as though they were made for each other,
MIKE: Not made. *Written*. Semantic difference.
> until Katira’s past and Herc’s conscience made them pull away.
TOM: ... each other’s clothing...
MIKE: Crow! No, wait, sorry, reflex. Tom!
> Both overcome with guilt, they looked opposite directions. Katira bit
> her lip, her mind saying “I told you so!” Herc could only picture Meg,
> her heart breaking when she found out about Katira.
CROW: That’s what you get if you don’t insist on having a 100%
shatterproof Rubbermaid heart!
> Yet, even though they had other things to make them hide it, they didn’t
> deny that they were in love. All the same, they finished out the day in
> a forced, uncomfortable casualness, barely able to look each other in the
> eye. Katira still knew it was inevitable, and decided to make use of it.
> She would tell the world if she had to. Herc was asleep, and Katira felt
> so strange.
TOM: Hmm... “Katira doesn’t look like himself anymore”?
MIKE: And the dweeb references just keep coming!
> SONG CUE:
ALL: AAAAAAAHHH! HIT THE DECK!!!
> Love Isn’t Easy (original melody)
> Katira:
> Daughter of Erato, son of Zeus
CROW: o/~ Together in flagrant myth abuse... o/~
> There’s something between us
> And that’s the truth
TOM: o/~ It’s a badly done plot, cheesy and uncouth o/~
> I never knew it could happen
> Again to me
MIKE: o/~ A gods-awful fanfic for all to see o/~
> But here I am for all of Greece to see
CROW: o/~ Say, what’s behind Door #3 o/~
TOM: o/~ Crow stretches his riffs for all to see o/~
CROW: o/~ C’mon, buddy, be nice to me o/~
TOM: o/~ Make your riffs better and then we’ll see o/~
MIKE: o/~ Be nice or those RAMchips you’ll never see o/~
BOTS o/~ OK, we’ve killed the joke anyway, and we don’t care if this
line rhymes o/~
> Oh
TOM: <Stan from South Park> ... my God, you killed Kenny!
> No one said love was easy
> And no one called it hard
MIKE: o/~ Love is a many-mediocritied thing... o/~
> I’m just being played with by Fate
> Another broken heart
> Another bad dream
CROW: o/~ Maybe I should stop eating all those anchovies pizzas
before bedtime o/~
TOM: That didn’t rhyme.
CROW: Bite me.
> Why were we brought together?
MIKE: I dunno, did it have anything to do with covalent bonds?
> Could luck be so unkind?
> It never turns out right
TOM: o/~ And when it does turn right, it never turns on its
turn signal o/~
CROW: *Now* who’s not rhyming?
MIKE: Remember what I said about the RAMchips, guys?
BOTS: Yes, Human.
MIKE: That’s better.
> Nor any other time
CROW: o/~ Um, Erato, ‘kind’ and ‘time’ don’t rhyme o/~
> No
MIKE: Just say NO to bastardized mythology!
> Love isn’t easy
> But love isn’t hard
> For some it’s soft and breezy
TOM: *New* from RonCo: Love with Air-Cushion Padding!
> For me, it’s just another pain
> Another rain
CROW: o/~ This story is circling the drain o/~
MIKE: o/~ It’s hard finding comments that aren’t profane o/~
TOM: o/~ This song is worse than being run over by a train o/~
> It’s coming again all over
> I’m losing common sense
MIKE: <Katira> Oh, wait, I had no common sense in the first place!
Oopsie!
> Why would he want a poor girl?
CROW: <Katira, singing to the tune from _Bohemian Rhapsody>
I’m just a poor girl; nobody loves me!
MIKE and TOM: <as above> She’s just a poor girl without any family!
> Why pick me?
> Love isn’t easy
> Love isn’t hard
> It comes out of nowhere
> Sweeps you into its arms
> So warm and sweet and strong
> Beauty has its curses
MIKE: Yeah? Name *one*.
> I know it’s true
> I’ll be wanted until my wedding day
> The day I say “I do”
TOM: Ah, those refreshing Judeo-Christian wedding ceremonies in
ancient Greece!
> But would love do it to me again?
(M&TB start humming “Do It to Me One More Time” by the Captain &
Tennille)
> Love isn’t easy
> Love can be hard
CROW: The moral of the story? Love sucks! Be a bitter recluse!
> Love’s tales are told
> By every single bard
MIKE: o/~ This is more nauseating than unrefined lard o/~
> And it sounds so wonderful
> Unless you know the difference
> No, no
TOM: No!! No!! My exact reaction to this song!
> Love isn’t easy
> Love never was
> I know I can’t conceal it
> It’s so obvious I feel it
> No
> When flowers start arriving
CROW: <Katira> Black flowers? Let me guess, Hercules, you swiped them
from that funeral down the street.
MIKE: <Hercules> Well, hey, who’s gonna notice?
> My mind begins the striving
> To keep me safe and naive
> Ha, but do I listen?
> No, of course I don’t!
> I’m such a fool
TOM: If you’re a fool, you probably have the whole naive thing down.
> Love isn’t easy
> Love’s just too hard
> But I just can’t still the frenzy
> Of my wildly beating heart
MIKE: Ha ! Those Greeks and their wacky cardiovascular diseases!
CROW: <Katira> Hmm... there’s that thumping again... maybe I
shouldn’t have killed that old man and buried him under the floor...
> I love him!
> I love him!
ALL: <Katira, falsetto, singing> And where he goes I’ll follow!
I’ll follow!
> Yes, I know it’s true
TOM: <Katira> You really *can’t* believe it’s not butter!
> I love him!
> I love him!
> But what am I to do?
CROW: <falsetto, Puerto Rican accent> Whatever you do, don’t tell
Chico! If he hears that you are carrying on with a Jet...
> Honey, if you’re list’nin’
MIKE: <Katira> He misses you! And he’s being goooooood!
> Don’t think me bad
> The future’s startin’ to glisten
> Like a sparkling wishing star
> And it makes me feel so sad
TOM: <Katira, singing> Baaaad fanfic... always makes me cry...
> Love isn’t easy
> I know it’s true
> And even if I know it’s wrong
> I think I’ll follow it
> Through
> ***
CROW: o/~ And I am the walrus, koo koo chichoo o/~
TOM: Let’s go, Mike.
[They leave the Theater.]
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[SoL. Giant busheled stacks of bills are all over the bridge.
Tom and Crow are sitting in their usual places, counting the piles and
piles of money. Mike enters.]
TOM: Hi, Mike! Wanna celebrate?
MIKE: Celebrate what?
CROW: Well... it’s official! We have all the money the Nanites
want to do the engine tuneups! Nanites, are you there?
[The Nanite Monitor. Nanites Wade and Ted are there.]
WADE: Sure. First, the payment?
[SoL]
MIKE: Go ahead, guys, take it away!
[All the money disappears from the bridge instantly.]
MIKE: Wow... a little pricy, eh?
TOM: Yeah, but that’s after two days of the psychic hotline biz.
The poor saps who call in won’t wise up for months!
[Nanite Monitor]
WADE: So’s, whatcha want us to do now?
[SoL]
MIKE: Just soup up the engine so we can break Brain Guy’s tractor
beam. Don’t like blow up the planet or anything. That doesn’t work
all that well.
[Nanite Monitor]
TED: We hear ya! (turns around) Hey, guys, just the engine this time!
Cancel the planet detonation! (turns back to Mike) Ah, well, you’re
lucky. We don’t charge for system calibrations. You’ll see your money
refunded soon. We just need a security charge for planetary detonation,
not to mention the cost of all that explosive.
[SoL]
CROW and TOM: Woohoo!
[Nanite Monitor. We hear a small ‘pop’.]
WADE: There, done. Blast off when ready!
[SoL]
MIKE: Thanks, guys! Will do. Just dump the money in the load pan bay.
[We hear another small popping noise as the Nanites replace the cash.]
TOM: All right! Gypsy, warp 6!
MIKE: <whispering to Tom> Wait, this isn’t a Star Trek crossover,
is it?
TOM: <whispering back to Mike> Nope, I just love saying that phrase.
GYPSY: <offstage> Here we go!
[We cut to Rocket #9. We can see the Satellite blasting away from
Earth.]
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Brain Guy...
BRAIN GUY: Yes?
PEARL: Did your almighty mental tractor beam just get broken?
BRAIN GUY: <nervously> Umm... I guess so.
PEARL: You IDIOTS! Sheesh, what an evil conquerer of worlds gets for
help these days... all right, you little losers! Pack up! We’re going
back to the Widowmaker!
BRAIN GUY and BOBO: Awww...
PEARL: No ifs, ands, or buts! To the van right now!
[SoL Bridge. A celebration seems to be well underway, with party
hats, streamers, and confetti.]
CROW: We’re free! Freee!!
TOM: Yeah! Woohoo! Pearl’ll never find us now!
MIKE: Sorry to put a damper on the festivities, guys, but with Pearl
you never know... and we got DISNEY SIGN!!
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[The Theater.]
> Katira cast a long look at the sleeping hero, and felt herself smile.
> Love wasn’t easy, but it sure was sweet. She did love him, no doubt about
> that!
CROW: You know, I might be missing the point, but I believe Erato is
trying to infer that there’s some kind of love thing going on.
> Still, she’d have to control and cool herself; be aloof, superior, and
> detached. And she did. Even the next morning, they tried to make it
> ordinary and casual, doing what they had done every morning for the past
> few days. But today, both lives would change forever in the Athenian
> agora.
> It was a nice day in Athens, and no fans attempted to smother the
> couple. Apparently, Katira has been very convincing. Then an old woman
> tapped Katira’s arm.
> “Come, young lovers,” she said, “Come, for there is much for you to
> learn.”
MIKE: <old woman> The first lesson you must learn...
Bastardized-mythology fanfiction just doesn’t work.
> “Hold it. Who are you?” asked Katira warily.
CROW: <old woman> Some call me... Tim!
> “Just one of the sybils here in Athens, but one of the finest as well,”
> answered the old woman. With a shrug each, Herc and Katira followed her.
> “What is it we have to know?” asked Herc, once they were inside the
> oracle’s working place.
TOM: <old woman> Well, for starters, you have a piece of toilet paper
stuck to your sandals.
> “Listen,” she said, beginning to enter a trance,
ALL: <chanting> Nom Ho Renge Kyo. Nom Ho Renge Kyo. Nom Ho Renge Kyo.
> “Son of Zeus and Hera,
MIKE: ... all-time king of the mosh pit!
CROW: ... Lord of the Dance!
> daughter of Erato and Aeneas,
TOM: Aeneas? God of the Aenal-retentive?
(Mike and crow groan)
> born same day, intended to become same flesh, sealed in love by
> Lachesis. Two must be divided, and one chosen. Heart- breaker waits,
> beware! Young eternal, but never to Olympus must one be, forever in
> garden of love.” Here the oracle stopped, and she opened her eyes.
CROW: <sibyl oracle person> Reply hazy. Ask again later.
> “Weird,” said Herc, “But what do you suppose it means?”
MIKE: It means... 42.
> “Son of Zeus and Hera, that must be you Herc, and daughter of Erato
> and Aeneas, that must be me.
> Born same day, that’s pretty clear, we were born the same day.
TOM: <Hercules> Whoa, slow down, Einstein!
> Intended to become same flesh, and sealed in love by Lachesis.
> Hmm. That must mean we were meant to be together! All this time, we
> were intended to fall in love forever.
CROW: I believe if I see this feeble fated-love thing substituted for
an actual plot one more time, I’m going to puke.
MIKE: You have a stomach?
CROW: Nope, but let’s just not go there.
> Two must be divided,
MIKE: By 0, therefore causing a universe-ending paradox that gets us
out of the theater?
> I don’t think that means us, and one chosen, I don’t get that either,”
> said Katira thoughtfully.
> “Meg. It means Meg,” said Herc, not too happy about the idea that he
> would have to choose between Katira and Meg. The other part seemed to
> make sense the way Katira told it, but this part was clear only to him.
> “Heart-breaker waits, beware! Oh no,” said
TOM: Mr. Bill!