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MST3Kd ARTICLE: Sexy Psychic Plants

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Mr. Duality

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Dec 1, 1993, 3:49:02 PM12/1/93
to
In honor of the new MST3K Hour (would that be MST1.5K?) I have here
a small 'edited' version of an article I found a while back. It's so edited,
I didn't put an Invention Exchange on it (lazy! lazy! lazy!) but it's so
short no one's gonna know. It's "classic" MST, which means Joel's in it.
Enjoy!

- spat -

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. F: Here's your experiment for this week. It was posted on
alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine...

JOEL AND THE BOTS: NooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

DR. F: ... but it's not a Robert McElwaine post.

JOEL & BOTS: Phew!

DR. F: It's a repost of an original McElwaine post.

JOEL & BOTS: NOooooOOOOOOOoooOOOooOOOOooo!!!

DR. F: But it's not really McElwaine's words. It's an quote from a book.

JOEL & BOTS: Phew!

DR. F: But McElwaine comments on it.

JOEL & BOTS: NOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOO!!!

DR. F: This is getting to be fun! But enough. Send them the article, Frank.
And have a soda for yourself.

FRANK: No. I'm not thirsty.

DR. F: Just send them the article, then. (FRANK sends article.)

JOEL: Oh no, we got article sign!!!!! (lights flash, they run around like
weirdos.)


G ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

CROW: Whew! I'm exhausted from all those "NooO!"s.

JOEL: I hate it when he does that to us.

> The following quote illustrates the NATURALNESS of Psychic Phenomena,

SERVO: and the stupidity that is McElwaine!

>etc., which orthodox science and religion IGNORE or DENY.

CROW: We'd like to ignore you, McElwaine. I've already denied your existence
but it's not working.

> SEXY PSYCHIC PLANTS

(SERVO sings the 70's-porn-flick-disco-music stuff.)

CROW: You sure the mads didn't get this out of alt.sex.stories?

JOEL: Of course not, it's from alt.fan.robert.mcelwaine.

CROW: What a scary concept!

> A humorous quote from "THE SECRET LIFE OF PLANTS",

JOEL: Wasn't that a Stevie Wonder album?!

> [See Footnote.], by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird, 1973,
> page 38:

SERVO: I'm scared to see what McElwaine thinks is humourous.

> ....."As Sauvin's main problem remained that of

CROW: Ugly, embarassing warts,

> getting his plants to be sharply attuned to his person rather than
> to their immediate environment,

JOEL: Huh?! What is he talking about?!

> when he was away for several
> days,

CROW: See, his plants just miss him.

SERVO: Or he misses his plants.

JOEL: Wasn't this in Doonesbury in the 70's?!

> he had to devise some means of attracting his plants'
> attention even more effectively than addressing them over the
> long-distance phone.

CROW: What a freak this guy is. Calling his plants over the phone.

JOEL: How'd they pick up the phone?!

> As his plants reacted most strongly to
> any damage done to himself or to any part of his own energy
> field,

SERVO: He would beat himself up regularly for the plants' enjoyment!

JOEL: Sexy _sadistic_ psychic plants.

> he experimented with remotely killing a few cells of
> his body in the presence of the plants.

CROW: He had way too much free time on his hands.

> The system worked
> admirably.

SERVO: And stupidly!

> The problem was to obtain cells that would remain
> alive for protracted periods.

JOEL: There were also problems with grasping the English language, but they
were soon ironed out.

> Blood worked well enough,

SERVO (sings): Feed me, Seymour! Feed me alll night long!

> hair
> was difficult to kill,

CROW: Uh, reality check, hair cells are _already_ dead.

> but sperm worked best of all,

JOEL: Oh, no...

> because,
> as Sauvin explained, it was easier to obtain than bleeding,
> and much less painful.

CROW: And a lot more fun, too!

SERVO: You're right. He had way too much free time on his hands.

CROW: He had something else on his hands, too, if you ask me.

JOEL: Crow!!

>
> "These experiments led Sauvin to wonder

SERVO: 'Gee, do I really enjoy my job?'

> if plants might
> not react just as well to emotions of pleasure and joy as to
> pain and shock.

CROW: So, after whispering "President Butt-Head!" to the plants, he proceeded
to kick back with the lastest issue of Playb - (JOEL covers CROW's beak)

JOEL: I said STOP IT.

CROW (muffled): Swwy.

> Not only was he tired of shocking himself,

JOEL: So he wasn't a masochist after all.

> he was afraid that repeated shocks to his plants, even
> indirect ones,

SERVO: Could cause the fuse to blow and then nobody would have any fun.

> might be UNPLEASANTLY LOADING HIS KARMA.

CROW: Uh-oh. I sense McElwainization here.


> [DITTO for vivisections, animal experiments, etc..]

JOEL: So apart from shocking plants and cutting himself, this Sauvin guy was
experimenting on animals and giving vivisections as well? THE FIEND!!

> Sauvin soon found that his plants did react to joy and
> pleasure,

CROW: They laughed, they cried. It was better than Cats.

> but with wave patterns that were not sharp enough
> to trigger a switch reliably.

JOEL: So he just wanted his plants to turn a switch on and off when they
were happy?

SERVO: Maybe that's how they got the phrase "You really turn me on." Heh heh!

> Undaunted, Sauvin decided on a
> more daring experiment.

CROW: Cold fusion?

SERVO: Throwing them at Regis Philbin?

JOEL: Trapping them in a satellite and forcing them to watch bad movies and
McElwaine posts?

CROW: Gee, that sounds familiar!

> DURING A HOLIDAY WITH A GIRL FRIEND

JOEL (laughing): This guy had a GIRLFRIEND?! Come on!!

CROW: Maybe that's the humourous bit of the quote McElwaine told us about.

> AT HIS LAKESIDE COTTAGE HE ESTABLISHED THAT HIS PLANTS,
> EIGHTY MILES AWAY,

SERVO: Would call him on the phone and ruin everything!

> WOULD REACT WITH VERY HIGH PEAKS

CROW: Twin Peaks!?

> ON THE
> TONE OSCILLATOR TO THE ACUTE PLEASURE OF [his] SEXUAL CLIMAX,

SERVO: Oh, thanks for clarifying that for us, McElwaine.

> GOING RIGHT OFF THE TOP AT THE MOMENT OF ORGASM.

CROW: "going off"... interesting choice of words there.

> All of
> which was very

SERVO: Stupid, but it kept McElwaine's interest.

> interesting and could be turned into a

JOEL: Really weird post for McElwaine to capitalize.

> COMMERCIALLY MARKETABLE DEVICE FOR JEALOUS WIVES TO MONITOR
> THEIR PHILANDERING HUSBANDS, BY MEANS OF A POTTED
> BEGONIA."....

SERVO: Next, on Amazing Discoveries, is your hubby having an affair or not?
Find out with Sauvin's Begon-O-Meter!

> (EMPHASIS, and comment, added.)

CROW: Gee, thanks, McElwaine, like we really NEEDED TO SEE WHICH PARTS YOU
LIKED TO READ PUT IN ALL CAPS!!

JOEL: Crow! Take your caps lock key off.

CROW: sorry.

> Footnote: Chapter 17 is about BIOLOGICAL TRANSMUTATIONS.

SERVO: The entire McElwaine family!

> Chapters 19 and 20 are about RADIONICS/PSIONICS.

CROW: Chapter 21 has a really good sex scene in it between a crysanthemum
and a petunia!

> Entire book is FASCINATING!

JOEL: Says you.
>
>
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this

SERVO: Pointless piece of garbage.

> INTERESTING Quote, WITH my comments,

ALL: And ours!

> is ENCOURAGED.

CROW: I thought we weren't supposed to encourage him any further.

SERVO: Trust me, we're not.

>
> Robert E. McElwaine
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC

CROW: But not an agent thereof!

JOEL: Come on, I think it's over. (picks up SERVO, they leave)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
___________ - spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu -
| _______ |
]]]]]]]=======| _______ | "Wait, he's got a Spatula Tonight t-shirt on,
|___________| he can scream all he wants!"

Petrea Mitchell

unread,
Dec 4, 1993, 4:48:24 PM12/4/93
to
No references to "Passion Flower"? <sigh> Oh, well...
I'm not going to suggest all-out censorship, but I think an
ASCII umbrella might have come in handy a couple times. Fun reading
though.

>> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No comment here, eh?

--
/ <|> <|>
Petrea Mitchell <mvp!pr...@tessi.com>/<pr...@agora.rain.com>
"Would you quit being evil over my shoulder?" ---MST3K
"May God call the tune, and may your enemies play the music." --Jewish curse

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