CROW: Hey, Michael Ovitz's got his own domain!
MIKE: Disney gave it to him so he'd go away
MIKE: [James Garner] Hi, this is Jim Rockford. I can't come to the phone,
but leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you. *Beep*
SERVO: [Falsetto] Jim?!? It's me, Mariette Hartley. Why haven't you been
returning any of my calls, you beef-eatin' sunnuva -
>Subject: ***WHO IS AGENT ACTION!?***
SERVO: Merritt Stone?
MIKE: Christopher Chance?
CROW: Penry, the mild-mannered janitor?
>Date: Wed, 2 Apr 1997 08:51:27
>Organization: Concentric Internet Services
SERVO: [singing] Spinning wheels, got to go 'round...
CROW: Suddenly, I kinda miss that ol' B&D Collar
MIKE: [Singing] Singular sensation, every little move you make...
> ** "CLONING" MOVIE MAY PROVOKE THEATER RIOTS! **
MIKE: Ovine Liberation Front picket line turns nasty!
SERVO: Sheep threaten to eat all grass in the city!
CROW: Thousands of lambs stage sit-in: mint jelly sales skyrocket!
> Anticipation is so high for the new sci-fi action movie AGENT ACTION! that
> international theater owners are worried.
SERVO: They might actually have to screen it before rejecting it.
> Some feel their venues may be
> the magnet for riots.
MIKE: The great "We Want Our Money Back" uprising of 1997
> One of the movies main themes is human cloning.
> With cloning as a red-hot topic and the movies anticipated big budget look
> with gorgeous nude US playmates,
CROW: And wait'll you see what the guys at ILM have done with them!!!
> the number of moviegoers is predicted to
> be record breaking!
MIKE: Most number of empty theaters for one film?
CROW: Yeah, pretty much
> AGENT ACTION! is reported
SERVO: Though not yet confirmed
> to be a sci-fi flick in the secret agent "Bond"
> Style. It sports exotic locations, impressive cinematography, and the
> aforementioned naked, big-breasted actresses.
MIKE: Remember, look for naked, big-breasted actresses at finer cloning
movies near you!
> (Including Erika Olsen /
> Playboy Mar 97) The movie stars and is directed by charismatic and multi
> talented new leading man William Blair. It features celebrity guest
CROW: The return of Milton Berle as Lavender Louie
SERVO: Zsa-Zsa Gabor as Minerva
MIKE: Julie Newmar as Catwoman
CROW: Oh, and thanks for everything
> and co-stars the talented Jerry Lee Kmiec.
MIKE: Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of - um - Kmiec?
> AGENT ACTION! is currently in the middle of a heated bidding war by
> international distributors.
SERVO: Yeah, they're hoping for a "friendly fire" incident!
> The winner may have more than just an ordinary
> hit on its hands.
SERVO: It may have a debacle that proves to be the next "Waterworld"
MIKE: Actually, "Waterworld" did a respectable overseas business
SERVO: Yeah, and Mickey Rourke is hot in France, what's your point?!?
> It may have the milestone catalyst of an international event.
CROW: Agent Action! - almost as much fun as a border incursion!
SERVO: [Roger Rabbit] Look - stars! I'm ready for my scene, Raoul!
> OSCAR PICK FAVE FOR 97 ? AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: And the award for nakedest, biggest-breasted actresses in a cloning
motion picture goes to - "AGENT ACTION!"
> Talk for the next Oscars has already started. And the news is overwhelming
> for one film:
CROW: "Leprechaun IV: Runt of Death"?
MIKE: "Ma and Pa Kettle Meet Frankenstein's Accountant"?
> AGENT ACTION!
CROW: Oh, that was my next choice.
> What "ACTION" seems to have is what the current Oscar picks lacked:
MIKE: The potential to go direct-to-video
> great directing, great acting, and great writing all in one.
CROW: You mean it's got both those three?
> And the lions
> credit is
> aimed at one man; multi -talented star and director William
CROW: Blair.l, son of Jor.l, you *will* bow down before me!
> Insiders are predicting Blair may receive the most multiple Oscar wins
> ever: As best actor, best director, and best writer.
SERVO: But not Best Brains.
MIKE: *Definitely* not Best brains
CROW: ABSOLUTELY not Best Brains
> What's more: as
> producer and special effects director of photography consultant: he might
> also nab the best picture Oscar and cinematography Oscars, too!
SERVO: He's also in line for best screenplay, best original song, best
costume design, the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award, and a special
Lifetime Achievement award - all for AGENT ACTION!
> Can Blair
> AGENT ACTION! pull off this unprecedented feat?
CROW: Is the Pope Methodist?
MIKE: Does a wild bear perform Beethoven in the woods?
> It would certainly be a day for the all time record books.
CROW: The day the most Academy members simultaneously went bonkers!
> Of course this
> is just speculation at this point. One thing is certain, though,
CROW: What about death?
SERVO: That all depends on one's metaphysical condition, not to mention
the individual's belief system, and -
MIKE: Save it for Philosophy 101, guys
> 1997 is
> the year for moviegoers to enjoy AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Using big bonfires!
MIKE: [singing] Is a magic number. Yes it is, it's a magic number.
> CAN AGENT ACTION! CRUSH SCHWARZENEGGER?
CROW: Are we talking about the "Predator"/"T2"/"Twins" Arnie or the "Last
Action Hero"/"Junior"/"Jingle All The Way" Arnie?
> One fact seems clear:
SERVO: The square of the hypotenuse *is* equal to the sum of the squares of
the opposite sides
> William Blair is the world's hot new action star!
> Not only that, he appears to be a
CROW: Figment of our imagination?
SERVO: We can wish
> World-Class director as well. It is
> this multi-talent capability- and freshness-
MIKE: Agent Action! - the Freshmaker!
> that has Schwarzeneger and
> Stallone scared - yes, the world seems to be saying, replace these old
> fogies with new talent!
CROW: We've replaced Sylvester Stallone with a golem made of Folger's
Crystals - let's see if the audience notices.
> William Blair, and AGENT ACTION! seem to be the cure for the movie goers
> case of tired old action star Blues!
SERVO: Isn't that what Bruce Willis wears in those "Die Hard" movies?
> Arnold / Sly - next stop is the old
> folks rest home for you!
MIKE: This just in: William Blair will soon be marrying both Maria Shriver
and Bridgite Nielson!
> We're William Blair fans now! Long live # 1 action star William Blair! -
> AGENT ACTION!
CROW: Murray! The lawn needs mowing!
> SEX, NUDITY, AND AGENT ACTION!
CROW: One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just
> For the many curious to see big breasted naked actresses in AGENT ACTION!,
MIKE: Just cut to the chase and rent "Playboy's Sexy Lingerie" instead
SERVO: I bet you've rented that several times yourself, huh, Mike?
MIKE: Just a couple, actua- hey, that's noneya!
> - there is good news.
MIKE: The buzzards have returned to Hinkley!
> A preview/trailer is now reportedly in the cutting
SERVO: If any of it survives, it wasn't cut enough
> This minute and a half of selected scenes should wet the palate
> of the curious.
> AGENT ACTION!, a "Bond" type thriller set in the near future,
CROW: Next Sunday, AD?
SERVO: If my arms worked, I'd whap you!
> is highly
> anticipated. It reportedly features the aforementioned Big breasted
> actresses ( including Erika Olsen/ Playboy Mar 97 ) among several other
> ravishing beauties.
MIKE: How many wanna bet the nekkid wimmin is the only selling point this
cinematic dustbin has going for it?
SERVO: I bet it's the sole reason it got made!
CROW: Like another film I remember with horror
SERVO: Let's just hope there's no nightie wrestling
MIKE: [Torgo] I dOn'T tHiNk I rEmEmBeR sEeInG tHaT oNe!
> The movie is said to star and be directed by multi talented new leading
> man William Blair.
SERVO: Of course this may just be a rumor, since William Blair doesn't
> Celebrity guest villains round out the colorful cast.
SERVO: Mark Hamil as The Trickster
MIKE: Howie Mandel as Mr. Mxyzptlk
CROW: David Warner as The Lobe!
> The movie apparently also features lush exotic locations from around the
CROW: Meaning he didn't mow his back yard before breaking out his Super-8
> Excellent cinematography and a tight nit
> thriller story
MIKE: Thingy Deal
> round out
> this highly anticipated production.
> This is probably the most anticipated movie on the planet today. And the
> thought of a trailer -
MIKE: Like the double-wide William Blair lives in
> possibly soon downloadable on the net - is
> fantastic. But hurry please! The wait is almost more than curious movie
> buffs can bear!
SERVO: PLZ SEND N00D BUFF AJENT AKSHUN TRALER P1X THANKX!!
CROW: That was a pretty good "B1FF"
SERVO: Bleah! Got any Listerine?
>*************** ////////////////////// ******************** ///////////////
CROW: Y'know, variety is one thing, but this is just starting to get down-
> JAPANESE "ABREAST" OF AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: [Dully] Ha ha. Stop. Please. I can't take the wackiness.
> If there's one group of moviegoers clamoring to see AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: Somebody let us know! Please! We're desperate!
> - It's the Japanese. They certainly have a yen
SERVO: See, they have a "yen", 'cause they're Japanese, and - and - it's
just funny! *Laugh!* LAUGH!!!!!!
> for big breasted naked
> blondes - and AGENT ACTION! will supply that - and more!
CROW: For example, racial stereotyping!
> Nippon theater owners apparently are in a rare fight to obtain the first
> prints of AGENT ACTION! It is said to be the most anticipated movie in
> the Orient.
MIKE: So in addition to Sly & Arnie, William Blair is going to try and send
Jackie Chan and Chow Yun Fat to the "old folks rest home"
SERVO: Which will lead to William Blair going to the "Every Bone In His Body
Broken In Twelve Places rest home"!
SERVO: [Does flying saucer fx]
CROW: Aah! It's 1/111 of the beast!
> WHY DOES AGENT ACTION FEATURE NUDE BREASTS?
MIKE: It was that secret trip to Denmark
> 'Cause Secret Agents love them! How could Sean Connery, Roger Moore, or
> Pierce Brosnan battle villains without a little jiggle?
SERVO: [Connery] Do you expect me to talk?!?
CROW: [Goldfinger] No, Mr.Bond, I expect you to JIGGLE!!
> And the same
> goes for new Agent extraordinaire William Blair - AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: Yeah, and so's your old man!
CROW: That's it: think positive!
MIKE: Now *that* wasn't a bad movie
CROW: But did it feature naked big breasted actresses and William Blair?
MIKE: Well, no, but -
CROW: Then don't even bring it up!
> RUSH -
SERVO: Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot
CROW: Al Franken is a Pretentious Little Twit
MIKE: The "fence-straddling" sketch, ladies and gentlemen!
> FOR WORLD WIDE RELEASE
> IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE?
> Film fans, critics, and cinephiles the world over are engaged in a heated
MIKE: Pauly Shore: Threat - or Menace?!?
> Is the new Sci-fi action film AGENT ACTION! the greatest movie
> ever made?
SERVO: Sure, if you don't count any of the others!
> Opposition is fierce. Names such as Welles, Kubrick, Scorsese, Spielberg,
CROW: Bah! I bet they've never even done *one* cloning movie!
> and Oliver Stone are of course getting huge support.
SERVO: Support Oliver Stone! Send your lithium donation today!
> Movies such as Citizen Kane, 2001, Goodfellas, ET, and Platoon are being
> heralded as the all time champs.
MIKE: What, no votes for "Gone With the Wind"?
SERVO: "Battleship Potemkin"?
CROW: "The Wizard of Oz"?
MIKE: "Star Wars"?
CROW: "Police Academy IV: Citizens on Patrol"?
> And yet, the new found furor won't subside. AGENT ACTION! now has its own
> legions of rising vocal fans.
SERVO: How many people in a "legion", anyway?
MIKE: I think, in this case, "one"
> And its star/ director William Blair is
> receiving the lion's share of the credit.
CROW: [Bert Lahr] C'mon, put 'em up! I'll fight ya wit' Agent Action tied
behind my back!
> Can this new group of fans, of a movie not yet even released be right? Can
> the few purportedly bootlegged copies of an advance rough cut be enough
> proof? Is AGENT ACTION! such a highly commendable piece of celluloid?
SERVO: Gentlemen, this shard of glass from the construction site has
convinced me that the new Ramada Inn North will be the GREATEST
BUILDING IN THE HISTORY OF ARCHITECTURE!!!
> History be damned these new fans seem to be saying.
CROW: Henry Ford said 'History is bunk'!
MIKE: Yeah, but have you driven a Ford lately?
> Forget the work of
> the "old fogies", William Blair Is the brilliant purveyor of cinema's
CROW: Billy Bob Thornton? Kenneth Branagh? Forget those punks - get me the
great William Blair!
> And AGENT ACTION! is proof - at 24 frames per living color second!
MIKE: "Agent Action!" - the movie that gets Jim Carrey drunk!
> SEX, ROMANCE, AND AGENT ACTION - WILLIAM BLAIR!
SERVO: And if that doesn't kill all romantic desire, nothing will
> Girls, Good News -
CROW: [Twin Peaks dwarf] thaT guM yoU likE iS goinG tO comE bacK iN stylE
MIKE: Geez, I wish you'd quit doing that
CROW: i'lL stoP iF yoU wilL
MIKE: [Torgo] I dOn'T hAvE aNy IdEa WhAt YoU'rE tAlKiNg AbOuT!
CROW: oH, buT I thinK yoU dO!
> William Blair is single!
CROW: There's only one of him - thank heavens!
> Yes the 6 ft, 185 lb leading
> man is available!
SERVO: For weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and VFW dances
> And if his blue eyes don't get you - his charming and
> suave manner will! Check him out in AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: But remember, there's a late fee of 20 cents a day!
> Then in his exciting
> new upcoming feature THE RIDE!
CROW: The next film in his ENDS! WITH! EXCLAMATION! POINTS! series
SERVO: Number nine... number nine...
> WAR! -
SERVO: What is good for?
CROW: Absolutely nothin'
MIKE: Say it again!
> BIDDING BATTLE BREWING
MIKE: Boffo Battling Bids Break Barometric Barriers!
SERVO: Bronco-Bustin' Bidder Brews Bloody Big Brouhaha!
CROW: Big Brucie Boxleitner Battles Barbara "Biddin' Betty" Babcock!
> Major movie distributors are sharpening their pens. Agents and Lawyers
> are taking sides. Telephone faxes are arming for duty.
ALL: [Hum "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again"]
> Why? For the bloody battle over the international distribution rights to
> AGENT ACTION!
SERVO: Loser takes all
> The movie world landscape is now upside down. How?
MIKE: The HAB Theory!
> Witness ancient
> releases like Star Wars now doing first run BlockBuster business. Plus
> expensive new releases are bombing.
SERVO: Mainly because most of those "expensive new releases" are almost
as silly as this!
CROW: And they don't have them naked big-breasted actresses!
> With this confusion its a new war out
CROW: [British] It's a bloody war, lads, but it's the only war we've got!
> And formerly defended movie turf is up for grabs!
MIKE: Yeah, the Crips have taken over Dreamworks, while the Sharks and the
18th Street Ninjas are dukin' it out on the Disney main lot!
> Which studio army can capture the anticipated blockbuster AGENT ACTION!?
SERVO: And could they ignore the Geneva Convention after doing so?
> Will it be a major battaliion force like UNIVERSAL? Of can a rising
> guierrila army
CROW: [Heston] You damn *dirty* APES!!!!
> like Miramax or Gramercy capture the goods?
MIKE: After "Barb Wire", I wouldn't be a bit surprised!
> No one can predict the battle's outcome yet. But one victor is certain:
> the Audience. The World Audience -
CROW: You - the audience at home: what do *you* think?
> millions of popcorn and action loving
> troops who will be the happy victors as they embrace viewing AGENT ACTION!
MIKE: They've cloned dozens of tiny Paramounts!
SERVO: This is a job for -
ALL: AGENT ACTION!!
> WILLIAM BLAIR - TRUE INDEPENDENT - NOT SUNDANCE ASS- KISSER
CROW: So, to sum up - "William Blair"
SERVO: Just in case you missed it the first 20,000 times
> While most Independent filmmakers nowadays are just shameless ass kissers
> - of Sundance "god" Robert Redford, William Blair stands alone.
CROW: [singing] Heigh-Ho, the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone!
> The so called Independent movie movement is sickening. Independent -
> Independent of what?
MIKE: The Redcoats?
SERVO: [singing] I say vote yes - vote yes - vote for independency!
CROW: Sit down, John!
> Most of these films are undisguised "auditions" for studio jobs. And the
> cast lists of these movies look exactly like their Studio cousins: Tori
> Spelling for godsakes!
SERVO: Well, sure, I can - der hey?
CROW: Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling, and Tori
Spelling, starring in "Valley of the Dolls"
MIKE: Now *there's* a cloning movie we could do without!
> And most of these butt-kiss directors need to start living a life -
SERVO: Or at least start using mouthwash regularly!
> than patterning these grotesque homages to angst populated by the ever
> tiring Steve Buscemi
CROW: Oh, his artwork on X-Men wasn't that bad!
SERVO: You're thinking of John *Buscema*!
> ( Whoever said this guy could act? )
CROW: That's 3-1 for Stevie B.
> The real barfola however, is how the "intelligensia" and "psuedo hip" are
> pronouncing Oscar kudos on these lightweight nothing movies.
CROW: The fact that he misspelled "intelligentsia" should tell you he
probably doesn't qualify as one
MIKE: Still, it's not often you get to see the words "intelligensia" and
"barfola" in the same sentence
> Lets face if folks: Ransom was a much better film than Fargo. Wake up
> you morons.
CROW: [Marge] There's no cause to get snippy here, Mr. Blair.
> Can anyone even sit through Fargo twice without falling into
> a deep coma.
SERVO: Can anyone sit this post *once* without the urge to toss it into a
MIKE: [Fargo Deputy] You readin' morea' that Action Agent thing, down
SERVO: [Marge] No, I just think I'm gonna barf!
> And last years Spitfire Grill - what a joke that was!
CROW: [Brak] Hey, why did the Spitfire Grill cross the road? *It didn't,
it's a grill, ya' dummy!* Ho, boy! Hey, thanks, a lot!
> It had all the
> thrills and technique of a bad TV movie of the week!
SERVO: In other word, a TV movie of the week.
> Is there hope? Damn tootin!
MIKE: "Tootin"? C'mon.
CROW: I want my mummy!
SERVO: Egypt ya real good there!
> And my vote for movie of the year is AGENT ACTION! It cuts the sprocket
> holes off
CROW: And we all know how painful that can
> those "independent" lemming-ized ass-kisser movies .
SERVO: I don't remember any movies about kissing lemmings' asses last year
MIKE: But I have a horrible feeling we just gave David Lynch the idea!
CROW: Murray! The Lawn still needs mowing!
MIKE: And the whole thing just kinda dissolves!
CROW: Better it than us!
SERVO: Let's us dissolve on outta here!
[o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6]
[SOL - Mike & Tom are standing at the console]
MIKE: "The Flood"?
SERVO: Without a doubt
MIKE: "Face Off"?
MIKE: "Trial and Error"?
SERVO: Michael Richards's fake lawyer movie? Sure
SERVO: Hmmm - is that the one with Rene Russo and the gorilla?
SERVO: Uhhhhhhhh - yes
MIKE: So you don't think there's any movie that can't outperform this
so-called "Agent Action"?
SERVO: Let's put it this way: if someone were to do a sequel to "Barb Wire",
let Joe Esterhaus write it, Roger Corman direct it, and recast
Pamela Lee's part with Roseanne, "Agent Action!" *might* beat it!
MIKE: But how can we tell if we don't know get a chance to see it?
CROW: I think I can help you there, Mikey.
CROW: Oh, I was just out cruisin' the old information superhighway, not
doin' anything in particular, y'know -
SERVO: Got your butt kicked at "Boogers" again, huh?
CROW: *No-o-o-o-o!!!* Anyway, I ran across a clip from the much-vaunted
trailer to William Blair's little trip into movieland
MIKE: Really?!!? How is it?
CROW: Haven't seen it yet - I thought I'd share the experience
MIKE: Oh, OK - Cambot roll that
[Cut to a really jumpy scene of Agent Action (Paul Chaplin), wearing a blue
shirt, standing in what is obviously someone's yard.]
AA!: Hey, *I'm* Agent Action!
[Same scene, with Paul now wearing a green shirt and facing the other way]
AA!: No, *I'm Agent Action!
AA!: Why, you! [thrusts his fist forward]
[Second scene - someone's fist in a plaid shirt taps Paul's chin)
AA!: Ooof! [falls down]
AA!: Well, I guess I showed him!
WOMAN: [offscreen] Oh, Agent Action! - I'm naked and my breasts are big!
AA!: In a minute, doll - I gotta save the world! [runs off]
[SOL - everyone looks horribly taken aback]
MIKE: Well - that was wretched!
SERVO: I take back everything I ever said about "Monster-a-go-go"!
CROW: I hope we don't wind up watching this
MIKE & SERVO: CROW!!
SERVO: Don't give Dr. Feelbad any ideas!
MIKE: For certain! Just give us the info!
CROW: Yeah, sure. To sign up on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the
message "subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body.
Read the FAQ, don't work blue, yaddayaddayadda. [lights flash]
MIKE: So what about you guys?
[D13 - Dr.F & Pearl are hiding behind a barricade. On the other side is
what looks like a lump of plastic with red & orange lights inside. It's
hissing and steaming as it slowly advances]
DR. F: Well, you survived again. I'll have to take care of that later, but
at the moment, we have an eensy bit of a problem down here!
PEARL: Clayton, it's hot in here
DR. F: Well, take another hit of Evian, mother! As you can see, our little
tar pit has turned into a full-fledged geological event, and unless
we can find some way to stop it...
PEARL: Clayton - look!
[Kevin Murphy strolls on, dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt]
PEARL: *Tommy Lee Jones!!!*
DR. F: Oh, big deal, mother, what can he -
TLJ: [pointing at lava flow] Cut it out!! [Instantly, the hissing and
steaming stop, and the lava starts to flow backward]
DR. F: What?!? But - but how?
TLJ: Professional courtesy, fella - one force of nature to another [nods
and walks off]
PEARL: [staring raptly] Wow!
DR. F: Ahhh, nature, shmature!
PEARL: Oh, Tommy - I have a costume like Debi Mazar wore, wanna see? [runs
off after him]
DR. F: Ah, well, at least he got Ma out of my hair for a little bit. Until
next time, my little lava bombs! [pushes button and...]
NEW OPEN DEBATE FOUNDATION: by Brian D. Collar
***WHO IS AGENT ACTION!?***: by "ag...@agent.com"
MiSTING: by Bill Livingston
BILL LIVINGSTON: by Mr. & Mrs. Livingston
LUNCH: by Pizza Hut
SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS: by the Sea Shore
AUSTIN POWERS: International Man of Mystery
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Siegel & Shuster,
"Freakazoid!", and creamy peanut butter.
All characters used here are copyright their respective creators and/or
owners. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. But you knew that already, right?
Remember, use only genuine "Interociter"® parts
Keep circulating the posts.
> Wake up
> you morons.
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