MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 16 [ 1 / 1 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

>
>
> XVI

CROW: X versus I, the final confrontation!

>
> GUARDING THE CORNCRIB

TOM: The ...
JOEL: This adventure's going to be a struggle.

>
> Grumpy Weasel never seemed to have anything but bad
> luck whenever he went near the farmyard.

CROW: Hey, you know what's good luck? A rabbit's foot --- oh.

> Perhaps that was the
> reason why he kept going back there, for he was nothing if
> not determined.

TOM: I'm starting to think he looks for things to be grumpy about.

> Anyhow, he had found the hunting poor along
> his stone wall in the woods.

JOEL: Nobody hunts there anymore, it's too popular.

> And there was so much "game," as
> he called it,

CROW: Game, but not in so many words.
JOEL: It's some big game, like Huge Monopoly and Giant Uno and Nine Tall Men's Morris.

> about the farm buildings that he thought it was
> silly to leave it for such scamps as Peter Mink and Tommy Fox

TOM: Scampy Squirrel ...
CROW: Swindler Skunk ...
JOEL: Slick Stork ...

> and Fatty Raccoon.

[ ALL gasp! ]
TOM: Are we --- is this a legit crossover?

>
> So he took to loitering near Farmer Green's corncrib.

CROW: Don't go too near, you'll have to change the corn-nappies.

> And he was not at all pleased to find Fatty Raccoon there one
> evening.

JOEL: Ladies! And Gentlemen! The hardest-eating raccoon in the business! Two tons of ringtail in a four-ton bag, the one, the only, Fatty Raccoon!
TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Who, little ol' me?'

> He wouldn't have spoken to Fatty at all had not that
> plump young chap hurled a cutting remark directly at him:

TOM: Scissors slice incisor vorpal blade weasel.

> "There are no chickens in this building. This is a corncrib."

CROW: Thank you, Torgo.

>
> "Don't you suppose I know that?" Grumpy retorted.

JOEL: I make no assumptions about what weasels know about what chickens know about what corncribs can be used for.

> "I've come here to guard the corn from mice and squirrels."

TOM: And, uh, the space aliens who are stealing our cribs.

>
> "There's no need of your doing that," Fatty Raccoon
> told him.

CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'Oh, is there no need of my doing that? What if I say no, there isn't there no need of my doing that? What then, varlet?'

> "Have you never noticed those tin pans, upside
> down, on top of the posts on which the corncrib rests?

TOM: Tin Pan Alley was smaller than I thought!

> How
> could a mouse or a squirrel ever climb past one of those?"

CROW: Maybe something peppy in 3/4 time that'll sell in Brooklyn *and* Peoria?

>
> "There are ways," Grumpy Weasel said wisely.

TOM: He's bluffing! Get him!

>
> "I doubt it," Fatty replied. "I don't believe the
> trick can be done."

JOEL: We've had to watch six thousand short films about how to have good posture while dating a Chevy salesman on the phone and not one word about what the heck a corncrib is or why you'd have tin pans on them.

>
> Then, not to oblige Fatty, but to show him he was
> mistaken,

TOM: Anyone can do any amount of work as long as it's part of showing someone else is wrong.

> Grumpy climbed a tree near-by, dropped from one of
> its branches to the roof of the corncrib,

CROW: Oh but what squirrel could have mastered climbing a tree *and* jumping from it to get food?

> and quickly found a
> crack in the side of the building through which he slipped
> with no trouble at all.

JOEL: Um ... bye?

>
> Suddenly there was a great scurrying and scrambling
> inside.

CROW: Eh, I've seen greater.

> And soon Fatty Raccoon saw Frisky Squirrel

TOM: Snrrk!
JOEL: Wait, really?

> and
> several of his friends

TOM: Randy Chipmunk, Lusty Woodchuck, and Arthur the Anhedonic Pocket Gopher.

> ---not to mention three frightened
> mice---

JOEL: Good job not mentioning them!
CROW: Arthur Scott Bailey slapping his forehead, saying he swore he wasn't going to do that again.

> come tumbling out and tear off in every direction.

TOM: Including thorbwards.

>
> Presently Grumpy Weasel stuck his head through a
> crack between two boards.

CROW: [ As the Wizard of Oz doorkeeper ] 'Who rang that bell?'

>
> "Did you catch the robbers?" he called to Fatty
> Raccoon.

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'What are you, a cop?'

>
> "They were too spry for me," Fatty told him.

CROW: Also I don't eat named cast, I'm not a *monster*.

> He
> wouldn't have stopped one anyhow, for Grumpy Weasel.

JOEL: The screen energy of this pair, it's like Paul Newman and Robert Redford together.

>
> "Which way did they go, old Slow Poke?"

TOM: Old Slow Poke? Nah, they went by the South Buttons Shunpike.

> Grumpy cried
> as he jumped down in great haste.

CROW: Even gravity wants Grumpy Weasel to go.

>
> "Everywhere!" Fatty told him.

JOEL: All at once?!

>
> "Can't you be a little more exact?

TOM: [ As Fatty ] 'Everywhere but *here*.'
CROW: [ As Grumpy ] 'OK, that does help, though.'

> You don't
> think---do you?---that I can run more than one way at a
> time?"

CROW: What if you saunter? Maybe you can saunter in up to three directions at once?

>
> "Why don't you run round and round in a circle?"

JOEL: Like a record baby, right round, round, round.

> Fatty suggested. "In that way you might catch at least half
> those youngsters---and perhaps all of them."

TOM: Merry-go-weasel.
CROW: Grumpy-go-weasel.
JOEL: It's just nice to see a weasel getting out of the whole pop-goes-ing box.

>
> "That's the first real idea you ever had in your
> life!"

JOEL: Hey, he had that great 'cheese pie au gratin' plan.

> Grumpy exclaimed---which was as near to thanking a
> person as he was ever known to come.

CROW: What if he has to thank a person a second time?

[ the end ... for this week ]


--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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