>From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com
TOM (in Shatner-esque voice): Coooooooooom!
>Newsgroups: alt.pagan,alt.dreams,alt.mythology,alt.fan.john-winston
CROW: With a _-_Winston, it's more like alt.nightmare.
>Subject: B. Creme. Part 4 of 4.
TOM: Hey look! It's the last one! Yoo-hoo!
MIKE: Yes!
CROW: My cynicism chip is working overtime, fellas. I'll believe it when I
see it.
>Message-ID: <114...@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Thu, 16 Jun 94 08:29:58 PDT
TOM: We've done dates!
CROW: And cherries.
MIKE: Red and black?
TOM and CROW: Yes.
MIKE: Alright, then ... Bananas!
>Organization: The Portal System (TM)
TOM: A division of ConglomCo!
>References: <84...@cup.portal.com> <84...@cup.portal.com>
> <110...@cup.portal.com> <CovBA...@cuug.ab.ca> <110...@cup.portal.com>
> <113...@cup.portal.com> <114...@cup.portal.com>
MIKE: Looks to me like somebody has a BIT too much free time on his
hands...
>Lines: 253
CROW: Wow, over 10 cases of Wisconsin's finest brew!
>Xref: news.gsfc.nasa.gov alt.pagan:35264 alt.dreams:9410 alt.mythology:4983
MIKE: Hey, wait a minute. [Mike looks up a few lines.] Looks like Goddard
doesn't have access to the alt.fan.john-winston group. Who says NASA
needs any changes?
TOM: Y'know, it's the little things like that that really give me hope for
the future of America's space program.
>Subject: Creme. Part 4 of 4.
MIKE: See, Crow? It's the last part.
CROW: Color me skeptical, Mike, color me skeptical.
> Now you can probably see why Mr. Creme is so controversial.
TOM: Yes. He's insane.
>Thus
>let it be done,
MIKE: Shoot him now.
CROW: Yes! I insist that you shoot me now! So shoot me now!
>we go into part 4 the part of the last part.
TOM: And the number of the parting shall be 4. 5 shalt thou not part, ...
>Q. It is obvious that humanity needs to change direction.
MIKE: Hey, how do ya get back on I-25?
>We need a
>radical change in every aspect of life.
CROW: Especially in dealing with net.loons...
>How can we change the system?
TOM: *We* can't change it; the system must *want* to change.
>How can we canalize the energy from Aquarius to realize that change?
MIKE: Yeah, like anyone involved with this could realize anything.
>A. According to Maitreya -- The World Teacher
CROW: I suddenly feel like skipping class today.
> -- such change needs only
>the acceptance of the principle of
TOM: Evil!
>sharing. This alone would transform
>the world.
MIKE: Well, so would a nuclear war...
>He has said:
CROW (singing): "Hey babe; take a walk on the wild side."
>"Take your brother's need
TOM: And your sister's desire, mix them with your cousin's fear, ...
MIKE: And you have an ABC Movie of the Week.
>as the measure for
>your action and solve the problems of the world.
CROW: For a "small fee", of course.
>There is no other
>course."
TOM: ... that compares with St. Andrew's.
>"Take your place by My side and together shall we
MIKE: Rule the world!
CROW: Oh, lame, Mike.
MIKE: What?
TOM: Yeah, pretty bad. Everybody could see that coming.
>make all
>things new."
CROW: Kinda tough when the earth's atoms are *already* a few billion years
old, isn't it?
>
>Q. Do you think that the United Nations will be replaced by another
>organization for peace?
TOM: Not if they lower their prices.
>
>A. No, I do not, nor do I believe it necessary.
MIKE: Let's face it, the UN is basically a way to reward one's political
bedfellows at the public's expense.
>The United Nations is
>slowly coming into its own
CROW: It has a mortgage, a good job, drives a Lexus, ...
>as the maintainer of peace in the world.
TOM: It's not having much success, to be honest.
>At
>present, it is reluctant to accept the role of world policeman
MIKE (French accent): "Oui, zhoost let ze Amerikans police ze world and
fhoot ze beell. Zat way, if ze situa-shon ees 'ope-less, zey weell
get ze blame, not oos."
>and
>governments everywhere baulk
CROW: Advancing runners like crazy
>at the cost involved. But until world peace
>is assured
MIKE: There will be a lucrative market in armaments.
>through sharing and the implementation of justice,
TOM (singing): He was born on the fourth day of July, ...
>such a
>responsibility must be accepted. Its future role is to become,
CROW: Live, then die.
>not a
>world government, but the world parliament, where problems can be
>discussed and resolved peacefully.
TOM: "Peacefully"? I think this character needs to check out the English
Parliament on C-Span
>
>
>Q. Can you please give the rays and point in evolution of Eugene
>Ionesco, the Romanian playwright who has just died?
>
>A. Soul 2; personality 4, sub-ray 6; mental body 3, sub-ray 7; astral
>body 4, sub-ray 6; physical body 3, sub-ray 7. He was 1.6 degrees
>initiate.
MIKE: What is this with rays and points? The stats for some lame new role-
playing game from TSR?
CROW: Wouldn't that be pretty much ANY role-playing game, period?
MIKE: What about Dangerous Journeys?
>
>
>Q. Can you give the ray structure and point in evolution of Giulietta
>Masina, the Italian film actress who has just died only four months after
>the death of her husband, film director Federico Fellini?
>
>A. Soul 2; personality 4, sub-ray 6; mental body 3, sub-ray 7; astral
>body 4, sub-ray 6; physical body 3, sub-ray 7. She was 1.5 degrees
>initiate.
TOM: He's got a point, Crow; you can actually learn a little history,
politics, linguistics, and so on from that game.
CROW: Okay, I will grant you that Dangerous Journeys has merit, but it's
still just a role-playing game, and I was speaking in global terms.
MIKE: In global terms, I'd agree, but blanket statements like that are
generally wrong, Crow.
>
>
>Q. What is your view of the ordination of women in the Anglican Church?
>
CROW: Hey, if it happens, sign me up!
>A. Personally, I don't know what all the fuss and resistance to women
>priests is about.
TOM: Maybe it's the pastel vestments?
MIKE: Or the shoulder pads on the pallium?
>Of course, I can see how many male priests would
>consider it
CROW: A dream come true.
>an unwelcome invasion of their private domain.
TOM: "Hey, would ya knock first? I'm on the can!"
>That is
>predictable.
MIKE: Did Maitreya predict it?
TOM: Probably after it was announced...
>I find it more difficult to understand the reaction of many
>women,
CROW: Oh, like any man COULD.
>some of whom have left the Anglican Church for the Roman Catholic
>as a result. Why on earth should there not be women priests
TOM: Well, the church doesn't offer clerical maternity leave, for one thing.
>-- the
>priestesses of ancient times were held in great respect;
MIKE: Not by The Church, though; ever heard of burning witches at the
stake?
>far greater,
>indeed, than the average male priest of today commands (or probably
>deserves).
CROW: Oh, is the great Benjamin Creme going to tell us how men of the cloth
are so much more lowly than his own magnificent presence?
>
>
>Q. I believe you have said that comets
TOM (singing): Make you vomit.
So get some Comets
And vomits ... today!
>deposit their energies within the
>magnetic fields of the planets they pass.
MIKE: Um, I'd just like to say that the author of this MSTing has a
Master's in Astrophysics, and the people in this interview OBVIOUSLY
are speaking from an orifice which is rarely used for communication.
Ions from the coma and tail of the comet may be deposited into the
magnetic fields, but this relatively small amount of excess energy
is quickly lost through radiation.
CROW: So, basically, John_-_ and his buddies are spreading lies and false
information?
TOM: Shocking.
>Does each comet have an
>ensouling Logos?
CROW: No, only those who hire good ad agencies.
>
>A. No. Only Solar Systems and planets have logoi.
>
TOM: And just WHAT is the physical menifestation of such an object to
prove or disprove the existence of a logos?
>
>Q. Will the Masters who were once
MIKE: Sam Snead
>Sri Krishna,
CROW: Jack Nicklaus
>Moses
TOM: Malone? He played basketball, not GOLF!
>and Mohammed, after
>Declaration Day,
MIKE: Sounds like a song by The Alarm.
>rouse people to reform Hinduism, Judaism and Islam?
CROW: Forget religion, that's easy; how about reforming the civil service?
>
>A. No, not personally.
TOM: However, they've contracted assassins...
>A Master is already at work in the Islamic world
>to try to reform Islam.
MIKE: But it's Larry Hagman, so don't get your hopes up...
>
>
>
>
CROW: The ascii representation of the mountains crumbling to the sea...
>BACKGROUND INFORMATION
TOM: Uh, wouldn't it have been better to put this at the BEGINNING?
>
>All the great religions posit the idea of
MIKE: Tithes.
>a further revelation to be given
>by a future Teacher.
CROW: And thus, Beakman's World was formed...
>Christians hope for the return of the Christ,
TOM: And the burning of the witches
>the
>Buddhists look for the coming of another Buddha (the Lord Maitreya),
MIKE: Played by Richard Gere.
>while
>Muslims await the Imam Mahdi,
CROW: Until then, they content themselves with ogling babes at Wet Veil
Contests.
>the Hindus a reincarnation of Krishna,
TOM: And the destruction of all McDonald's.
MIKE: Finally, some sensible dogma...
>and
>the Jews the Messiah.
TOM: Featuring her Unplugged hit, "I'll Be There".
>
> Students of the esoteric tradition know
CROW: all the tricks to sneaking beer into the dorms.
>all these as different
>names for the same individual
MIKE (dreamily): Nuveena!
>-- the Lord Maitreya, the World Teacher,
CROW: Denture wearer.
>the
>head of the Spiritual Hierarchy of Masters, and they look for His imminent
>return now.
TOM: The savior should have been here by now, but there was fog at O'Hare.
>
> In July 1977,
MIKE: A giant rabbit attacked ...
>Maitreya emerged from His centre in the Himalayas,
CROW: Saw his shadow, and said "Six more weeks of winter."
>when least expected, "like a thief in the night".
TOM (singing): Like sweet soul music, like sunlight,
I need your love...
>Since then, He has
>lived in London as an ordinary man concerned with modern problems --
MIKE: "I wonder if RoGain is right for me..."
>political, economic and social. Since March 1978, He has been emerging
CROW: Mom, Dad, I'm tired of living this lie ...
>as
>a spokesman in the Pakistani-Indian community.
TOM: He's a bachelor who likes kayaking, Chinese food, and saving the
world; let's hear it for Bachelor #1, Maitreya World-Teacher!
>He is not a religious
>leader,
MIKE: But he plays one on tv.
>but an educator in the broadest sense
TOM: Sounds like Richard Simmons.
>-- pointing the way out of
>the present world crisis.
CROW: Natural disasters, and deep personal stupidity.
MIKE: Good, maybe he'll strike down Winston ...
>According to esoteric teaching,
CROW: Oh, I wish I could use that Kama Sutra reference, but somebody would
get fired in a heartbeat.
>Maitreya
>manifested Himself 2,000 years ago in Palestine
TOM: He was seen running naked in a high school, babbling about missing a
chemistry test.
>by overshadowing His
>disciple Jesus -- now the Master Jesus.
MIKE: Man, those Alou brothers are everywhere.
>This time Maitreya has come
>Himself.
[Crow begins shaking his head.]
TOM: Not easy, huh, Crow?
CROW: Somebody is trying very hard not to get fired right now...
MIKE: Lead us not unto temptation, for we are sure to follow.
>
> Maitreya's spiritual teaching:
TOM: To make a Tom Collins, take ...
>Maitreya does not intend to build
>a new religion around Himself,
MIKE: He's content to work behind the scenes and rake in the cash.
>nor to create followers,
CROW: Good idea; cheaper to rent.
>but to teach
>humanity "the art of Self-realization".
TOM: Oh, great, a bunch of morons and slackards will be going around
saying "Hey, I never knew I existed before."
>The first steps are "honesty of
>mind, sincerity of spirit and detachment."
MIKE: After that comes deceit, politics, and The Maitreya Channel.
>
> Maitreya's social concern is
CROW: The inner cities.
>reflected in His list of priorities:
TOM: Nice house in the burbs, settling down with a nice girl named Cindy
or Meg, ...
>an adequate supply of the right food,
MIKE: OUR kind of "right food".
>adequate housing and shelter for
>all,
CROW: Sure. Wait till he's the landlord and those darn students trash the
place. Their butts will be on the street in no time.
>healthcare and education as a universal right.
TOM: You *will* learn, even if we have to *force* you to learn.
MIKE: Now get your flabby butt into this clinic and let the taxpayers foot
the bill!
>His social message
>can be summarized in a few words:
CROW: "Don't worry, be sappy"
>"Share and save the world."
TOM: And redeem the Earth for valuable prizes!
>Maitreya
>knows we will accept His advice
MIKE: "And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work."
>and that we are on the threshold of an era
>of peace and goodwill.
CROW: "I thought *you* had the key..."
>
>Since late 1991, Maitreya has been carrying out a series of appearances
>like the one in Nairobi, Kenya.
TOM: Oh, I saw that on HBO. Ladysmith Black Mambazo was the opening act.
>There, on 11 June 1988, He appeared
>miraculously, "out of the blue",
MIKE: "and into the black"
>at an open-air prayer/healing meeting.
CROW: It's Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show!
>He was photographed addressing
TOM: Like Mr. B Natural.
>(in their own language)
MIKE: Hey, how can you photograph the language someone's speaking?
>thousands of people
>who instantly recognized Him as the Christ.
CROW: Hundreds mistook him for Ted Nugent.
>Similar events have now been
>witnessed by large numbers in different countries.
TOM: Mostly they were at Dead concerts, so these don't carry much weight.
>In this way, more and
>more people will receive proof
MIKE: "Sounds lahk our shahn runnin' op'rashun's a success, Vern."
>of His presence and, hopefully, in due
>course will demand
CROW: Their MTV
>media response.
TOM: Oh, sure, like the media would need to be encouraged to jump on a
sensationalistic story like this...
>Maitreya expects this approach to lead
MIKE: From the rear
>to the Day of Declaration,
CROW: October 8th.
>when He will leave no doubt that He is the
>World Teacher.
TOM (singing): We don't need no education...
>Maitreya will mentally 'overshadow' all of humanity
>simultaneously.
MIKE: Except Alec Baldwin.
>Each of us will hear His words inwardly, telepathically,
CROW: And pathetically
>in our own language, and all will know that the World Teacher is now
>among us.
TOM: Like a fungus.
>
>The information about Maitreya's emergence has been presented to
MIKE: The Gay Men's Quarterly in the issue with Christian Laettner on the
cover.
>the
>public since 1974 by Benjamin Creme, chief editor of the magazine _Share
>International_.
CROW: And love slave to Cher.
TOM: Hey, who isn't?
>His training for this work, under a Master of Wisdom,
>began in 1959.
MIKE: He still hasn't passed comps, though. Sad, really.
>
>
>To summarize the historical perspective:
TOM: Oh, *this* should be good...
>
>1982, 14 May: Creme reveals during a press conference in Los Angeles
>that
CROW: He is wearing a pushup bra, and he's *still* not pleasing.
>Maitreya lives in the Asian community in London, and challenges the media
>to invite Maitreya to come forward. Unfortunately, the media do not
>react.
TOM: Outside of rolling on the floor in gales of laughter, of course.
>
>1985, 31 July: Twenty-two journalists representing the media of East and
>West gather in the East End of London,
MIKE: A topless Wendy Richards had been sighted...
>hoping for contact with Maitreya or
>His representative.
CROW: "Look, I've never seen that girl before, and anyway I was out of
town that night. Now leave me alone, you jackals!"
>
>1987, August: Benjamin Creme announces:
TOM: "They're coming to take me away, ha ha, ..."
>"In the coming three or four
>months, Maitreya will be working intensively to bring about a
>breakthrough in
MIKE: Hair replacement technology.
>international relationships in the world."
TOM (nasally, whiny voice): What about our relationship?
CROW: What?
TOM: What about our relationship?
CROW: <beep> that!
>Less than a month later,
MIKE: In a shantytown outside of Johannesburg.
>the breakthrough comes,
CROW: But we all hid in the basement till it went away.
>in the political meetings between the Americans
>and the Soviets, followed by the armaments agreement in December that no
>one had thought possible.
TOM: Well, no one without a brain, anyway.
>
>1988: Maitreya appears,
MIKE: At the RenFest!
TOM: Huzzah, everyone! I'm the Messiah! Please buy my leather mug!
>both in person and in dreams,
CROW: Freddy Krueger!
>to well-known
>leaders in various countries, and to many ordinary citizens.
TOM: Oh, man, I gotta quit chowing on Domino's before I go to bed ...
>World
>detente and the release of tension which ensues
MIKE: Thanks to Extra Strength Exceedrin
>allows more open signs of
>His presence.
CROW: Oh, Maitreya threw a birthday bash!
>Manifestations of crosses of light are reported in the US
>media and are seen by many thousands.
TOM: Well, that happens when you drive by Catholic churches at night.
>
>1990, 21 and 22 April: In London, Maitreya initiates a large conference
>attended by dignitaries from around the world.
MIKE: Everyone was embarrassed when Bush ralphed on the Japanese
ambassador, though.
>Maitreya appeared (and
>disappeared) several times,
CROW: Oh, now *that's* being a considerate hose.
>and spoke of His mission, teachings and plans.
TOM: "I want to travel, live in Paris, and start a women's magazine."
>
>1991/1994: Maitreya appears miraculously before large groups of people
>all over the world.
MIKE: Miraculously?
CROW: Yes, miraculously, he wasn't bludgeoned and laughed at.
>In Tlacote (Mexico), Nordenau (Germany) and Nadana
>(India) healing wells charged by Maitreya attract growing numbers of
>visitors.
TOM: Would you look at this? $20 dollars for a t-shirt, and I bet it
shrinks the first time you wash it!
>
>Since April 1988, through one of Maitreya's closest associates in the
>Asian community of London,
MIKE: His "lifelong companion", Tommy Tune
>_Share International_ has received a series of
>articles.
CROW: They have at least given lots of lower paid workers a good laugh.
>These outline Maitreya's teachings and draw attention to
>developments and happenings which He expects to take place in the world,
TOM: And Canada.
>both in the short and the long term.
MIKE: Of course, we won't provide you with any sort of statistics so you
can judge the validity of these predictions, but take our word for
it, you can trust us.
>
> Outer events have demonstrated Maitreya's insight.
CROW: Maitreya's insights have forced the insides of many to the outside.
>As early as
>1988, He foresaw the release of Nelson Mandela and the process of detente
>in South Africa.
TOM: Of course, some people saw it in '84 or '85 ...
>Again in 1988, when Mrs Thatcher stood at the very peak
>of her powers, Maitreya said that "her wheel of fortune" had turned
>against her and that she would resign.
MIKE: Well, given that there was a large, vocal anti-Thatcher feeling even
in the early '80s, ...
>In the same year He stated that
>governments everywhere would have to give way to the "voice of the
>people",
CROW: Mr. Maitreya, are you now, or have you ever been, ...
>a statement which found its most impressive proof in Eastern
>Europe.
TOM: Yeah, that Russian vodka will really curl your nose hair.
>Furthermore, weeks or months ahead of time,
MIKE: We can't remember which, but it's only a vital detail, so who cares?
>Maitreya forecast the
>cease-fire between Iran and Iraq;
CROW: Oh, big prediction there; how long had they been fighting?
>the withdrawal of foreign troops from
>Angola;
TOM: An unsatisfied and bitter Angola could not be reached for comment.
>the global rapprochement between guerrilla forces and national
>governments;
MIKE: Well, Mr. Kong, if you cease your hostilities, we shall release
Grape Ape from prison.
CROW: What about Bonzo?
MIKE: He will be given two years probation.
>the Armenian earthquake in 1988, and those in California and
>China in 1989;
TOM: Of course, the earthquake along the New Madrid fault didn't pan out,
but just ignore that.
>the internal problems of the Soviet Union;
MIKE: Wait, you mean that the complete dismantling of the Orwellian
Communist Rule in Russia led to internal problems? Boy, who would
have thought that?
TOM: Certainly not Bush...
>the
>establishment of peace in the Lebanon.
CROW: Oh, I'm sure that the permanence of peace in Lebanon is established
beyond all shadow of a doubt.
>He also forecast the election of a
>Democrat as President of the United States
TOM: Based on the World Series and the sunspot cycle
>and the positive developments
>in the relation between Israel and the Palestinians.
MIKE: Oh, dare we mention the violence that happened today?
> A major event which, Maitreya says, we may expect to see in the
>near future and which he announced as early as 1988: an international
>stock market crash, beginning in Japan.
CROW: I think this article was posted past its freshness date.
TOM: Smells pretty stale to me.
>
>
>
>
MIKE: Boy, the geese are heading south early this year...
>SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION
CROW: Maitreya and his follower are known to be heavy users of lithium,
prozac, barbituates, ...
TOM: *Sub*scription, Crow; you're thinking of Kurt Cobain.
MIKE: Or Elvis.
CROW: Or Judy Garland.
MIKE: Or Jimi Hendrix.
CROW: Or Keith Richards.
>
>Annual subscriptions (10 issues per year):
>US & Canada: 27.50 US dollars.
>UK residents: 17.50 pounds.
>Australia: 30 US dollars.
>All others: Dfl 60 (Dutch guilders).
>Developing countries: 20 US dollars or Dfl.45
TOM: And if you call now, you get a free sneaker phone!
>
>
>Order from:
MIKE: The Franklin Mint.
>
>For North/South America: Share International, PO Box 971, North
>Hollywood, CA 91603, USA.
>
>For UK: Share International, 59 Dartmouth Park Road, NW5 1SL, London,
>UK.
TOM: I'll just repeat that address: The Inago Jones Fish Restaurant, ...
>
>Rest of the world:
CROW: Can kis mah Amer-kun butt!
>Share International, PO Box 41877, 1009 DB Amsterdam,
>Holland.
>
>
>***Bank cheques (for payments within your own country only) and
>International Money Orders (for all payments being sent abroad; IMO's are
>available from any Post Office) should be made payable to _Share
>International_ and made out in the currency of the country to which you
>are sending your subscription. Within Europe also Eurocheques (please
>write your passnumber on the back and do not exceed Dfl.300 per
>cheque).***
MIKE: This is in severe violation of net rules, isn't it?
CROW: Hey, let's see if we can use this to get Winston's access pulled!
>
>
>
>
TOM: Hey, look, they're standing four abreast!
>SHARE INTERNATIONAL TRANSLATIONS
MIKE: The short version: we're all loonies!
>
>Abridged versions are available in Dutch, French, German, Japanese and
>Spanish. For information on how to subscribe, please contact:
CROW: My pharmacist.
>
>For the Dutch magazine _Share Nederland_: Share Nederland, PO Box 41877,
>1009 DB Amsterdam, Holland.
>
>For the French publication _Partage International_: Partage
>International, PO Box 6254, 35062 Rennes Cedex, France.
>
>For the German publication _Share International_ (Auszuge in deutscher
>Sprache): Edition Tetraeder, Postfach 200701, 8007 Munchen, Germany.
>
>For the Japanese magazine: Share Japan, 4-33-4 Tsukushino, Machida-shi,
>Tokyo, Japan 194.
>
>For the Spanish publication _Share Internacional_: Share Ediciones, PO
>Box 149, 08190 Sant Cugat Valles (Barcelona), Spain.
TOM: You know, not that I'm encouraging this or anything, ...
MIKE: Yeeeeeees ...
TOM: But wouldn't it be great if everyone sent junk mail to these addresses?
CROW: Yeah, and then the Swedish bikini team would show up.
MIKE: And they'd bring beer!
>
>*********************************END OF FILE******************************
ALL: Woo-hoo! yea! etc.
MIKE: Our long national nightmare is at an end.
>
>Part 4 of 4.
TOM: So long, so long, ... Let's get outta here.
>
>JW That is all she wrote, dear John, I brought your saddle home.
CROW: Come on, squeal like Ned Beatty.
>
>John Winston
[...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Mike enters carrying a huge bowl of RAMchips; the 'bots have their essays
at the ready.]
MIKE: Okay, this is it, the BIG essays. Are you guys ready?
GYPSY: You bet.
TOM: Mike, we got together and decided that, to make this more interesting,
we would all chose dieties from the same pantheon.
CROW: Yeah, we figured that less time could be spent on background and more
on the things that really make the diety tick.
MIKE: Oh, good idea, guys.
GYPSY: So we decided to do Norse gods.
MIKE: Okay. Any reason?
TOM: What do you mean?
MIKE: Is there any reason you chose the Norse gods over, say, the Roman or
Sumerian?
TOM: Oh.
[The bots just stare at each other.]
CROW: No, not really.
[Mike stares at the bots, they stare back.]
MIKE: Okay, just askin'. So, who wants to go first?
TOM: Oh! Oh! OhOhOh!
MIKE: Okay, Horshack, you can go first.
TOM: Thanks. >ahem< My essay is on Thor. Thor was the Viking god of thunder.
In many ways, Thor embodied the spirit of the Norse in those time. He
was strong, quick to anger, violent, and occaisionally sadistic.
However, he valued his friendships, kept his word whenever possible,
and was the god that most commoners felt to be their protector. Thor's
weapon was a short-handled hammer fashioned by the dwarves and known
as Mjollnir, which means "a short-handled hammer fashioned by the
dwarves".
MIKE: Really?
TOM: Uh, no, not really, I was just ... >ahem<
With it he slew many giants and enemies of men and gods alike, and in
the final battle of Ragnarok, used his hammer to slay the World
Serpent. Though his most famous symbol was his hammer, he was also
known for his chariot, his arm ring, and, thanks to twisted nazis, the
swastika. Thor was a kind god, doing many great deeds for men, and I
think the world is a better place for it. I thank you.
MIKE (clapping): Pretty good, Tom.
GYPSY: Yay!
MIKE: Not bad. Gypsy?
GYPSY: My essay is on Freya.
CROW (sotto voce): Big surprise.
MIKE: Crow! Go on, Gyspy.
GYPSY: My essay is on Freya. Oh, I said that. Freya was the Norse goddess of
love and fertility, typical spheres of influence of the Vanir. Freya
was called upon by maidens to help them find worthy husbands and also
recieved the spirits of dead maidens. Her animal symbols were cats and
hawks, and she had the power to see into the future. She had a husband
named Od, about whom little is known. He probably left her for some
cheap tramp with a dye job and a perfect figure. Those men are all
alike! [Mike, Tom, and Crow are starting to look very uncomfortable.]
Why couldn't he see that the tramp was just using him, but Freya loved
him for what he was?!
MIKE: Gypsy!
GYPSY: She deserves so much better ...
MIKE: GYPSY!! Easy, girl, this is just a legend of an ancient goddess.
GYPSY: I'm sorry, I was watching "Designing Women" earlier.
MIKE: That's okay, you did fine. Crow?
CROW: Well, I did *my* essay on Odin. Odin was the All-Father, the leader of
a loose confederation of Norse gods known as the Aesir. Unlike some
head dieties, Odin was very fickle and would do whatever he wanted
whenever he wanted to whoever he wanted. He wanted sacrifices and he
wanted 'em now. Odin even sacrificed himself to learn the secrets of
magic. Some have mistaken his hanging on Yggdrasil, The World Tree, to
be parallel to Christ's crucifixion. Odin, however, did not die for
our sins, he died to expand his own personal power and glory. He was
in this for himself, to become more powerful and more dangerous. Odin
was the chieftan of the Aesir, but he acted like the chieftan's
spoiled son. Who can forget the time he and his brothers, Vili and Ve,
had the mead kegger with Loki when his parents were out of town at
the Svensen's boar hunt? Or the time he got trashed on Thrym Ice Beer
over at Bragi's and wrapped Sleipner around The World Tree. There was
also his cavorting and diddling with the Valkyries, after which Frigg
made him sleep on the sofa for three months.
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Uh, yes, Mike?
MIKE: You just made that last part up, didn't you?
CROW: No...
MIKE: Yes, you did.
CROW: Okay, I did, but I just wanted to put a more modern twist to it.
TOM: Nice one, Crow...
GYPSY: No RAMchips...
CROW: I'm sorry.
MIKE: Tell you what, since it was at least interesting, and since you made
it through a Winston, RAMchips for everybody!
[The bots begin running around and cheering.]
MIKE: Whatcha think, sirs?
[Back in Deep 13; Frank is puttering in the background while Dr. Forrester
is turning a crank on the Music Machine.]
DR F: I don't understand it, this Winston post should have hurt them more.
Frank, get over here and push the button.
FRANK: Don't you need me to turn that second crank for you?
DR F: No, this is a song for Def Leppard.
\ | /
\|/
---O---
/|\
/ | \
Credits:
MSTed by Richard Burton
Disclaimer: MST3K and related situations/characters/settings/scenarios are
the property of Best Brains; they had nothing to do with my writing this up.
This MSTing was done for the express purpose of entertainment and is not
meant to be a personal attack on anyone mentioned in these posts or the
original author in any way, though I do recommend that John learn more about
physics, logic, and statistics before he continues to post. Also, I intended
no flames on any organizations, characters, products, people, or ideas which
I referenced in my MSTing; it was all done in the spirit of fun.
>we go into part 4 the part of the last part.