MSTied: Last Night...and something for Duvivier I think...
sl...@cc.usu.edu
<SOL>
MIKE: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love, right now Tom, Crow, and I
are just reading a little something about different people who played the same
character in TV shows.
CROW: Yeah, I mean, there was Joe Friday's sidekick on Dragnet...
TOM: And of course the great and ever-so popular Darrengate on Bewitched.
MIKE: Just goes to show you that nothing can be safe...
CROW: Hey, Mike, you're in here! "Mike Nelson replaced Joe--!"
<Mike clamps Crow's beak shut>
MIKE: We'll be right back!
<Commercial Sign>
MIKE: What is this!?!? Do you think I wanted to be sent up here??? I get
shocks to the shammies, no respect, no women, no earnings from this show,
and you expect me to be HAPPY I'm here! Oh, why? WHY???
TOM: Oh, buck up Mike, what'd you expect from a book sent to us by the Mads?
CROW: Yeah, at least your arms work.
TOM: See, that's a good point, and...hey!
MIKE: Thanks guys, and whoops, Barnes and Noble are calling.
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Well, if you're all through angsting booby, I'd like to show you our
invention exchange, a brilliantly twisted idea by tv's Frank.
FRANK: Oh, gosh, Steve, it was really YOUR idea...
DR.F: Nope, I think you get the credit for this one...
FRANK: But we all know that you are the main man...
DR.F: But you did most of the work...
<SOL>
CROW: Forget it! I won't get baited this time!
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Oh, what a panty-waist! Anyway, OUR invention is a grim foretelling of
your film future...Frank?
FRANK: Well, after a hard day at work, isn't it just a pain to have to fend off
evil Highlanders, like Christopher Lambert? That's why you should DO WHAT I DO!
Just wear your state-of-the-art Highlander neck brace!
DR.F: That's right, made of the finest tungsten steel that will keep those
swords at bay and allow you to get ready to go out on the town with Virginia
Madsen...back up to you Mick Dundee!
<SOL>
MIKE: Ok, well, our invention follows a similar movie theme...after being
forced to watch "Francis Ford Coppola's" Dracula, the bots became so nervous
that I made for them these Swiss Army Crosses.
CROW: That's right, in addition to being a cross, they have a nice fresh
garlic-scent, and if you unsnap them, you get...
TOM: TWO wooden stakes! What'd ya think sirs?
<Deep 13>
DR.F: I think you're going to need that with today's experiment, it's a first
for you, a little something we pulled off of alt.vampyres...watch out for
bite marks!
<SOL>
ALL: Augh, we got article sign!!!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
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> Path:
MIKE: Stay on the path!
> cc.usu.edu!hellgate.utah.edu!dog.ee.lbl.gov!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.
> utexas.edu!rutgers!noao!math.arizona.edu!organpipe.uug.arizona.edu!helium!
> corleyj
> Newsgroups: alt.vampyres
> Subject: Last Night...and something for DuVivier, I think.
TOM: His clothes!
> Message-ID: <2hhngl$9...@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu>
> From: cor...@helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu (Jason D Corley )
> Date: 18 Jan 94 22:23:17 GMT
> Organization: University of Arizona UNIX Users Group
> NNTP-Posting-Host: helium.gas.uug.arizona.edu
MIKE: Y'know that helium is really a gas...
> Lines: 100
CROW: At the beginning of the Hundred Lines Post France and England...
MIKE: That's 100-years War Crow.
CROW: Oh, nevermind!
> Well, I haven't been paying much attention in my classes today.
TOM: The teacher keeps giving me a look I can feel in my pocket protector.
> The reason I mention this is because I've been debating about
MIKE: Tastes great or less filling?
CROW: Tastes great!
TOM: Less filling!
> what to do about last night. I guess the best thing to do is
TOM: Post an inane article on the news-nets!
> to just write out what happened and let you folks decide whether
> I'm actually contributing anything to the story
TOM: Or am I living a lie?
> as you are interested
> in it, or whether I've suddenly become trapped in an uninteresting
> subplot.
<Everyone clears their throats>
> I was sitting at the terminal at about midnight last night, composing
> another essay for talk.bizarre,
MIKE: That's a big surprise!
> when a knock came at the window.
CROW(James Earl Jones): Suddenly there came a tapping, tapping at my
chamber door.
> I opened it. Someone was hanging on the ledge. Oh, yeah, I'm on
> the second story.
TOM: But what was the first story?
> "Hello." I said.
ALL: Hello!
> "Hi," a male voice said.
> "Need some help?" I said.
MIKE: Uh, now that you mention it...
> "No." he said.
> "Okay." I said, and sat down again. A few minutes later,
CROW: The man at my window fell screaming to his doom.
> after a few moans grunts and curses, a spindly arm flung itself over
TOM: my shoulder.
> the sill, attatched to a knobby shoulder, and finally to a thin,
> unshaven face contorted with effort.
MIKE: My God, what happened to his neck???
> "Not as young as you used to be?" I said.
> "Actually, just as young." he said.
TOM: I use Oil of Olay.
> "Okay." I said.
> "I'm a vampire." he said.
MIKE: Then why didn't he just fly in as a bat?
> "Oh." I said.
TOM: Actually, I'm an Amway representative.
CROW: Same thing!
> He stopped coming in the window, freezing in an extremely
> awkward position. "Want to be one?"
ALL: Conform...conform...conform...
> "No." I said.
MIKE: I need to work on my tan.
> "Okay." he said, and fell inside.
CROW: Wow, kind of a klutz vampire isn't he?
> He got up. He was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt that said
> VIENNA 10K FUN RUN, and some dress pants far too large.
TOM: And a lampshade on his head.
> "I'm Herman." he said.
MIKE: Have you seen my show on Fox?
> "I'm Jason." I said.
> "Actually, I'm Hermann." he said.
CROW: And I'm Jasonn!
> "I'm still Jason." I said.
CROW: D'oh!
> "Are you sure?" he said.
> "Nope." I said.
TOM: This guy doesn't even know his own name?
> "Okay," he said. "Maybe-Jason, you will help me."
> "Why?" I said.
MIKE: Does it involve Winona Ryder?
> "Because I know the words of power which no mortal can resist." he
> said.
TOM: He IS an Amway representative!
> "Gosh." I said. "Really?"
MIKE(dark): No, I just thought I'd rip your lips off if you didn't help me...
> "No, not really," he said. "But I will say please."
> "Okay." I said.
> "Please." he said.
CROW: Say "pretty please with sugar on top!"
> "Okay." I said.
> "Can you reach Duvian for me?" he said.
TOM: He owes me five bucks!
> "Nope." I said.
> "Okay," he said. "Got any Twinkies?"
MIKE: Vampires everywhere like to suck the filling out of Hostess Twinkies.
> "Nope." I said.
> "Okay," he said. "Maybe you know him as Duvier or Duvivier."
CROW: Or Dinky, Dufus, or Dickweed?
> "Yep." I said.
> "Okay." he said. "How do we do it?"
TOM: I'm guessing you bite him on the neck, then inhale?
> "On the computer." I said. "He usually reads alt.vampyres."
> "With an 'i' or a 'y'?" he said.
> "Y." I said.
MIKE: And that's what we ask, "Y?"
> "Figures." he said.
> "So what do you want me to say?" I said.
CROW: Say, "Hi stickypants, where's my five bucks!"
> "Just put this letter in for him. He'll know what it means." he
> said.
> "Okay." I said.
TOM: Gosh, he's really easy-going with burglars too, y'know.
> "Okay." he said. "Bye."
> "Bye." I said.
MIKE(Old Minn. Lady): Oh, these vampyres are just so reasonable...
TOM&CROW: Oh, yeah, they are just so neat.
> He jumped out the window and broke his arm when he hit the ground.
CROW: Hey, watch that first step pal!
> He then stumbled away into the night, whistling the organ solo from
> Inna-gatta-da-vita, over and over.
TOM: Until Van Helsing caught up with him and put him out of our misery.
MIKE: You mean "his", don't you?
TOM: I meant what I said!
> So here's the letter, Duvivier, and if Herman
MIKE(creepy): Excuse me, that's HermanN!
> comes back,
> I'll see what I can do about getting him to post directly.
CROW: I'll dab some A-positive on the keyboard...
> ====letter begins here====
> Dear Fudgy the Whale (aka Cookie-Puss):
TOM: Scary vampires call people "Fudgy the Whale"?
MIKE: I guess it's one of the fringe benifits of being immortal.
> Me casa es su taco stand.
CROW: So he wants to get a bloody mary at the nearest Taco Bell?
> Somewhere over the quadratic C,
TOM: You use Pythagorean's Theorum to get a-squared plus b-squared equals
ab-positive-squared!
> I shoo-fly by night. King Bishop 3, Death Wish 2
MIKE: Bad Post Zero!
> (RatedRunderseventeen notadmittedwithoutparent).
CROW: Oh, like they check!
> Dont slam the Doors on your way out.
TOM: Vampires are Jim Morrison fans too, I guess.
> N? And the number 3.
MIKE: Thou shalt not count to two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
> Your time is up, put down your pencil, lets show the audience at home
> how you did.
CROW: Oh, no, now it's alt.fans.jeopardy!
> Bet it all? Ooooh, that's gonna hurt. LooKs likE you
> get the liFETime supply of Riiiiiiceronithesanfranciscotreat (DING DING).
TOM: And YOU get a lifetime supply of goof-balls, oh...too late!
> Rama lamma ding dong,
MIKE(sings): Shave and a haircut, two bits!
> Hermanos, the hands of Herman.
CROW: He's Manos' younger brother I guess.
> Herr Man? Her man? Herman
MIKE: Or "d", none of the above.
> PS Help me please
> PS Help me PLIZ TO KEEL YOU
TOM: Well, sure, I...hey wait a minute!
> PS
CROW: What? WHAT???
> ====letter ends here====
> So what do you guys think?
TOM: It stinks!
> --
> ****************************************************************************
> "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
> exhausted all other alternatives." -----Abba Eban
> Jason "cor...@gas.uug.arizona.edu" Corley can't come to the phone right now
MIKE: He's busy interviewing Varney the Vampyre at the moment, but if you
leave a message....
CROW: Would that be Jim Varney?
TOM: C'mon, let's get out of here!
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
<SOL; Tom and Crow are huddling by Rocket Number 9, wielding their Swiss Army
Crosses>
TOM: No way those vampires are getting me!
CROW: Me neither!
MIKE: Oh, c'mon guys, there's no such thing as vampires...
<Gypsy storms in, wearing a black cape and plastic fangs>
GYPSY: Blah-blah blah-blah, I want to drink your blood!
<Mike, Tom, and Crow scream and run out>
GYPSY: Neat costume you think guys...hey guys? Oh, well, what do you
think sirs?
<Deep 13, Chris Lambert is standing over the heads of Dr.F and Frank, which
are on the counter>
CHRIS: It's not like I don't have to work too you know! What about James Earl
Jones in City Limits?
DR.F: Ok, ok, we're sorry!
FRANK: I'm not!!!
DR.F: Frank! Just push the button!
<Frank's head rolls over and falls on the button, pwhoosh!>
Keith N.l. sl...@cc.usu.edu
"He's just her type, AB negative!"
- Tom, "Gamera v. Baragon"
Mystery Science Theatre 3000, it's characters, situations, and blood types, are
copyright 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. This spoof is not meant to infringe on
any copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, Francis Ford Coppola,
and Christopher Lambert, as well as their employees and severed head collection.
The information herein is not subject to being, even if mistaken. Distribute
all you want, but you have to chop off his head in a month. You like it, you
know you do.